Steve Martin

Comedy is not pretty.

Stephen Glenn Martin (born 14 August 1945) is an American comedian, writer, actor, musician and composer.


  • The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need. My name in print. That really makes somebody. Things are going to start happening to me now!
    • As "Navin R. Johnson" in The Jerk (1979)
  • All of a sudden I had to remember some words that Marlowe had told me over fifteen years ago: 'Dead men don't wear plaid.' Hmm... Dead men don't wear plaid. I still don't know what it means.
    • As "Rigby Reardon" in Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid (1982)
  • You kill me and I'll see that you never work in this town again.
    • As "Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr" in The Man with Two Brains (1983)
  • A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.
    • As Harris K. Telemacher in "L.A. Story" (1991)
  • Why is it we don't always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends?
    • As Harris K. Telemacher in "L.A. Story" (1991)
  • Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman — it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's out of town.
    • Hosting the 2001 Academy Awards
  • I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
    • Introducing the best adapted screenplay at the 2003 Academy Awards
  • It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it — The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.
  • I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
    • Comedy album A Wild and Crazy Guy
  • Now let's repeat the non-conformists' oath: I promise to be different! (audience repeats) I promise to be unique! (audience repeats) I promise not to repeat things other people say! (audience repeats, laughs) Good!
    • Comedy album A Wild and Crazy Guy
  • It's so hard to believe in anything anymore, you know what I mean? It's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, 'cause it seems so mythological, and seems so arbitrary; and then on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. – I guess I wouldn't believe in anything if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.
    • Comedy album A Wild and Crazy Guy
  • I used to smoke marijuana. But I'll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening - or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, midevening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early mid-afternoon, or perhaps the late-midafternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning. . . But never at dusk! Never at dusk, I would never do that.
    • Comedy album A Wild and Crazy Guy
  • You know, a lot of people come to me and they say, "Steve, how can you be so fucking funny?" There's a secret to it, it's no big deal. Before I go out, I put a slice of bologna in each of my shoes. So when I'm on stage, I feel funny.
    • Comedy album Let's Get Small
  • (Audience member): What's your mood watch say?
  • (Martin): Yeah, I remember when I had my first beer.
    • Comedy album A Wild and Crazy Guy
  • People come up to me and say "Steve, what is film editing?" And I say "How should I know? You're the director."
    • Introducing the film editing award at the Oscars.
  • Comedy is not pretty.
    • Comedy album "Comedy is Not Pretty"

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