Smokey and the Bandit
Smokey and the Bandit is a 1977 film about a former thrillseeking trucker's attempt to bootleg a truckload of beer to settle a bet, and a small town Texas sheriff's attempts to stop him on behalf of his jilted son.
- Directed by Hal Needham. Written by Hal Needham, Robert L. Levy, James Lee Barrett, Charles Shyer and Alan Mandel.
Sheriff Buford T. JusticeEdit
- Now, you boys just stay here and watch the car- might vandals around, wanna steal somethin'. So you boys just stay here and keep your hands on the car until one of my associates arrive. And don't go home. And don't go to eat. And don't play with yourself. Wouldn't look nice on my highway. You can think about it, but dooon't do it.
- She insulted my town! She insulted my son! [Junior starts to say something] Shaddup! She insulted my authority! And that's nothin' but pure and simple old-fashioned communism. Happens every time one of those dancers starts poon-tangin' around with those show-folk fags! I can see her now... runnin' back up that aisle. No, she was dancin' back up the aisle. Her knockers bouncin' all over the joint. Her ass was wigglin' too!
- [On the CB radio, hailing the Bandit] You got trouble comin'. My handle is Smokey Bear, and I'm tail-grabbin' yo' ass right now!
- Apology accepted. Now, [a truck passes by, blowing its air horn and conveniently obscuring his profanity] fuck off.
- [after trying to pass Snowman and failing] What we're dealing with here... is a complete lack of respect for the law.
Bo "the Bandit" DarvilleEdit
- [to Big and Little Enos] Oh, I love your suits. It must be a bitch finding suits size 68 extra fat and a 12 dwarf.j
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- [On why he's going to make the run to Texas and back] For the good 'ol American life. For the money, for the glory, and for the fun-- mostly for the money.0
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- [In the middle of a car chase he explains to Carrie why they are being pursued] Oh, I orb oc
Ln,cforgot .to tell 'ya. I'm running blocker for 400 cases of illegal booze!
- [Carrie is hyperly saying she wants to jump somethi 9) @@:
ng in the car] Oh, jump me
- [Over radio to Sheriff Justice] I can't lie to you, Sheriff. You're too good a man.
Cletus "The Snowman" SnowEdit
- [Talking over CB radio] Hey, you got peanut butter or somethin' in your ears? Tell me what that woman's got on! (Pause) Her mind? [Laughs wildly] Ten-four!
- I'm eastbound and down.
- [Writing out note for beer] Send... bill... to... Big... Enos... Burdette. (Trans-Am drives away) Burdette.. B... B-E-R... B-U-R... B... (Throws notepad aside) Hell, I got to go.
- Junior: [Chasing after his father, who is driving after the Bandit] Who's gonna hold your hat?!
- Little Enos: [remarking to Big Enos about the Bandit's "legend" status] Well a legend and an out-of-work bum look a lot alike, Daddy!
- Bandit: Now, you want me to drive to Texarkana, pick up 400 cases of Coors and come back in 28 hours. No problem.
- Little Enos: It ain't never been done before, hot shit.
- Bandit: You watch your language, little lady. The problem here, is that Coors beer, you take that east of Texas and that's uh, that's bootlegging.
- Little Enos: You know I think you're just a little bit scared.
- Bandit: That's GREAT psychology. Why don't you say something bad about my mother?
- Little Enos: Yo' mamma is so ugly...
- Bandit: Hey wait a minute, wait a minute. Why do you want that beer so bad?
- Little Enos: Cause he's thirsty, dummy!
- [Bandit barges into Snowman's bedroom]
- Bandit: In the past, I may have done you wrong. But in the future Cledus, I will never ever do you wrong again. Right?
- Snowman: Right.
- Bandit: We have a chance. A big chance - to make a run, for some big bucks. Eighty thousand of them.
- Snowman: Oh, really? What we gonna do, kidnap the Pope or somethin?
- Bandit: How'd you guess. [Laughs]. No - we gotta go to Texas and pick up 400 cases of Coors. And bring 'em back in 28 hours.
- Snowman: Whoa. I gotta flash for you. That's called bootleggin' and that's against the law.
- Bandit and Snowman break into the warehouse holding the beer]
- Bandit: [Gestures towards the boxes] Hey, want a beer? [Laughs]
- Snowman: Well, son! Redneck heaven! How do we load all this stuff though?
- Bandit: Hey, I'll load it on with this! [Gets into a nearby forklift truck]
- Snowman: You can't drive no forklift!
- Bandit: I can drive any forkin' thing around.
- Snowman: [stands on the forks of the vehicle] Will you get serious? Can you drive this thing? [Bandit drives forward] Back it up!
- Bandit: Oh, shut up! [Bandit raises the forks]
- Snowman: Whoa, hold it! I said BACK it up, not RAISE it up! [Bandit reverses then drives the forklift at speed towards the boxes] Hold it! The beer! Watch the beer!
- [The Bandit abruptly stops the forklift; Snowman is catapulted over the cartons of beer]
- Bandit: [Laughs] Y'all right?
- Snowman: [Yelling from behind the pile of boxes] VERY funny, VERY funny!
- Bandit: I thought it was funny.
- Sheriff Justice: Nobody... Nobody makes Sheriff Buford T. Justice look like a possum's pecker!
- Junior: Except for that-
- Sheriff Justice: Shut yo' ass...
- [A funeral procession has succeeded in blocking Sheriff Justice's progress, allowing the Bandit to escape]
- Junior: Damn, he had a lot of friends, didn't he?
- Sheriff Justice: If they'd have cremated the sonofabitch, I'd have been kickin' that Mr. Bandit's ass around the moon by now!
- Sheriff Justice: [to the local Sheriff on the radio]: This is Sheriff Buford T. Justice again. I've lost that Trans Am. Set up a road block.
- Junior: Good idea!
- Sheriff Justice: What the hell would you know?!
- [shortly later, after the Bandit foils the road block and escapes]
- Deputy Sheriff: Did you see that? They went right through our road block!
- Sheriff Justice: You sumbitches couldn't close an umbrella!
- [Sheriff Justice has been calling for support on the radio and is hailed by a local sheriff]
- Sheriff Branford: Did you say that you are a sheriff?
- Sheriff Justice: That's a big ten-four! This is Sheriff Buford T. Justice, of Texas!
- Sheriff Branford: Texas? You realize of course that you are out of your jurisdiction? I suggest that you let my department handle the situation.
- Sheriff Justice: That's very comfortin'. But I'm in high speed pursuit! Don't you hear good?
- Sheriff Branford: I hear perfectly. The fact that you are a sheriff is not germane to the situation.
- Sheriff Justice: The goddamn Germans got nothin' to do with it!
- Junior: What'd he say?
- Sheriff Justice: [cutting him off] Shut up! One shit at a time!
- Junior: All right.
- [shortly later, after Branford's patrol car has been pushed over the edge of a demolished bridge into a river by Justice's vehicle]
- Sheriff Justice: Hey, boy, where's Sheriff Bradford?
- Sheriff Branford: I am Sheriff Branford!
- Sheriff Justice: Well, for some reason or another, you sounded a little taller on radio! [Turns away, with Junior standing beside him] What in the hell is the world comin' to?
- [Sheriff Branford is black, and it was historically common for Southern whites to address black males, even adults, as 'boy'.]
- [a truck driver has sheared a door off of Sheriff Justice's patrol car]
- Buford T. Justice: I saw that, you sumbitch! You did that on purpose! You're goin' away till you're gray! I got the evidence! [speaks to Junior] Put the evidence in the car.
- Junior: But Daddy...
- Buford T. Justice: Put the evidence in the car! [shouting to trucker again, who is long out of earshot] I'm gonna barbeque yo' ass in molasses!
- [Eventually, Justice turns back to his damaged car; Junior has obediently taken the broken-off door and sat in the passenger seat with the door in his lap.]
- Buford T. Justice: Put the evidence in the back. [Junior struggles to put it in the back, Buford stares at him for several moments in exasperation] There is no way, no way, that you could come from my loins. Soon as I get home, the first thing I'm gonna do is punch your momma in the mouth.
- Carrie: Actually, my heaviest relationship was with an acid-rock singer... named Robert Crumly. We were together, oh, eight-and-a-half days. God, I really thought that was it.
- Bandit: And?
- Carrie: One day, I came home and found him in the shower... with a girl... and her mother!
- Bandit: Well, at least he kept it in the family.
- Junior: Daddy, my hat blew off!
- Sheriff Justice: I hope your God damn head was in it!
- [Bandit picks up CB radio]
- Bandit: Cletus?
- Snowman: Talk to me, m'boy!
- Bandit: Goddamn it, son, we gave it our best shot. I don't like it any more than you do, but... we ain't gonna make it, son. We're gonna hang it up.
- Snowman: WHOA! Negatory, negatory, what're you, crazy or something?! We come this far, ain't we?! LOOK, WHEN WE SAY WE GONNA DO A JOB, WE GONNA DO A JOB!
- Bandit: It's me they after! They don't even know Cletus Snow exists!
- Snowman: Oh, they don't? Well, I tell you what we gonna do! (Laughs) We just gonna introduce 'em to the boy. So move over a bit, good buddy, 'cause the Snowman is coming through! [Hangs up his CB radio and looks at Fred the dog] Hold on to your ass, Fred.
- [Bandit and company arrive at the fairgrounds with the beer, after evading the police]
- Bandit: [to Big Enos] We need two things, we need a way out of here, and we need the money.
- Big Enos: Well, here's my Cadillac, that will leave me with an even dozen.
- Bandit: Cledus, get the money.
- Snowman: Yeah, how about the money?
- Little Enos: How about double or nothin?
- Snowman: How about FORGETTIN' it!
- Bandit: Wait wait, hold it! - what was that about double or nothing?
- Little Enos: You boys wanna head up to Boston, and pick up some clam chowder for me and my daddy?
- Carrie: You're on!
- Bandit: [pauses] You're on!
- Big Enos: In eighteen hours?
- Bandit: [pauses further] You're still on!
[Bandit, Snowman and Carrie get into Big Enos' Cadillac]
- Snowman: Whoa, hold it... and I'm divorced!
- Big Enos: [Smugly, as the group drives away] Twenty to one I'll break the son of a bitch this time!
- Little Enos: [Takes a stack of bills out and starts counting] Gimme five hundred on the Bandit.
- [Bandit and company encounter Sheriff Justice on their way from the fairgrounds]
- Bandit: [through CB radio] Sheriff, uh, Buford T. Justice, please.
- Sheriff Justice: Who there?
- Bandit: This is "Bandit" Darville talkin'.
- Sheriff Justice: Where are you, you sumbitch?
- Bandit: Before I tell you where I am, Sheriff, there's just one thing I wanna say. You must be part coon dog. I've been chased by the best of them, and son, you make 'em look like they're all runnin' in slow motion. I just wanna say that.
- Sheriff Justice: Well, thank you, Mr. Bandit. And as the pursuer, may I say you're the goddamnedest pursuee I've ever pursued. Now that the mutual bullshit is over, [shouting angrily] where are you, you sumbitch?!
- Bandit: Well, I'm right down at the bottom of the hill, Sheriff. I'm about six-foot-eight, in a cowboy outfit, got a little pygmy standing right beside me dressed just like me. You can't miss me. 10-4.
- [Sheriff Justice looks down the hill; Bandit has a change of heart and decides to reveal his true identity]
- Bandit: You know what? Scratch that. I can't lie to you, Sheriff; you're too good a man. Look over your left shoulder.
- Sheriff Justice: [looking over his shoulder, taking on a shocked expression upon seeing the Bandit] Oof!
- Bandit: We're on our way to Boston to pick up some clam chowder. Bye-bye!
- [The Bandit drives away in Big Enos' Cadillac; Justice begins to follow, his car now a barely-driveable wreck.]
- Sheriff Justice: [Shouting furiously] I'm not givin' up! I'm not givin' up!
- Junior: [Running after his father] Daddy, don't leave me! Who's gonna hold your hat?
- What we're dealing with here is a complete lack of respect for the law.
- Time to take to the road, for a quiet little drive in the country...or not.
- Hold up on that carwash there, gentlemen. (to boys stripping Carrie's car)