Scrubs (Season 5)

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Scrubs is an American medical comedy drama television series created by Bill Lawrence that aired from October 2, 2001 to March 17, 2010 on NBC and later ABC. The series follows the lives of employees at the fictional Sacred Heart teaching hospital. The title is a play on surgical scrubs and a term for a low-ranking person because at the beginning of the series, most of the main characters were medical interns.

Season 5

My Intern's Eyes [5.01]

J.D.: Listen, if you're having trouble finding a vein for an IV, please don't page me. If you're desperate, we're lucky: this is a city hospital, there are plenty of heroin addicts who are quite adept at this.

J.D.: Jason, when you're filling out a female patient's exam report, her breasts can be "healthy" or "unhealthy," but never "bangin' double-Ds."

My Rite of Passage [5.02]

[J.D. enters as Turk is washing up]

J.D.: Hey Turk, I'm gonna go across the street and get some coffee. You want one?

Turk: Get me a small one-pump mocha.

J.D.: [voiceover] The perfect set-up to a joke, but no one's around to hear!

[He hefts Turk over his shoulder and carries him out, through the halls, and downstairs.]

Turk: Whoa! Dude! Noooooo! Dude!

[J.D. plunks Turk down in front of Dr. Cox]

J.D.: So what did you want me to get you?

Turk: A small one-pump mocha?

J.D.: Wasn't that your nickname in high school? Helloooooo!

Turk: Dude, there's a guy upstairs waiting to have his spleen removed!

J.D.: It was worth it!

Turk: [To Dr.Cox] Get off my back. I'm not in the mood.

[He hefts Turk over his shoulder and carries him out to Carla, who's sitting at a bar.]

J.D: Say that again.

Turk: Get off my back. I'm not in the mood.

J.D: That's what she said! [points to Carla] Zoom ZOOM zoom!

My Day at the Races [5.03]

Carla: J.D., you have to get out! This place is tiny and I'm sick of seeing your man-panties hanging all over the bathroom.

J.D.: They're called boxers, Carla.

Carla: They're satin, J.D.

J.D.: With a breathable cotton crotch panel. [voiceover] King me!

J.D.: Carla, at 6:41 tomorrow evening, I turn thirty. I have to find one thing on this list I can do by then.

Dr. Cox: Maybe you could swing by our parts department and pick up a pair of testes.

J.D.: Haven't you used that joke, like, a trillion times?

Dr. Cox: I'm okay with it.

My Jiggly Ball [5.04]

Dr. Kelso: This Friday, I am receiving an award from the A.M.A.—

Dr. Cox: Jerk-Off of the Year. No, Bastard of the Year! Uh, don't you tell me! Guy I Despise So Much, I'd Pay Someone To Kill You and Stuff You and Leave You by my Bed, So That When I Wake Up in the Morning, I Could Roll Over and Punch You in the Face...of the Year.

Dr. Kelso: And we're back.

[J.D.'s hand is moving involuntarily after being pummeled during a game of "jiggly ball"]

J.D.: I think there's something wrong with my spine, because I'm not doing that.

My New God [5.05]

J.D.: How'd you wind up with a born-again Christian for a sister?

Dr. Cox: Oh, I don't know. Could be that the TV was broken one day, so she picked up the Bible and thought it was just a darn good read. Or it could be our mother's ability to watch silently while our father drunkenly knocked us from room to room. What do you think there, Newbie?

J.D.: Uh, probably the "room to room" thing.

Carla: I can get mad, Turk, if you give me a little help.

Turk: If you had no hair, you'd look like Danny Devito.

Carla: Oh Turk, a little help.

My Missed Perception [5.06]

[J.D. rode his six-year-old neighbor's tiny scooter to work]

Elliot: Ronald's gonna be mad.

J.D.: Yeah? He's six. What he gonna do, kick my ass? [voiceover] Again.

Carla: [to the Janitor] I want you to be in the staff picture.

[Janitor picks up and hugs a clearly terrified Carla]

Carla: I thought you were going to kill me.

Janitor: I fought the urge.

My Way Home [5.07]

Carla: I just don't get what's so great about kids. I mean, "yay! you went poopie in the potty!" There's a monkey at the zoo that can do that... you know, when he's not playing with himself.

J.D.: So, don't have kids.

Carla: But I want to be a mom more than anything else in the world! I know it's crazy, but I'm a girl: it's how we roll.

Carla: Why aren't you freaking out? Look at him— your kid's, like, all green and slimy.

Dr. Cox: I suppose it's because when Jordan was pregnant, I mentally prepared myself for her giving birth to something green and slimy.

My Big Bird [5.08]

Ted: Did you hear the lottery's up to $100,000,000? If I win, it's going to be separate beds for me and my mom!

Carla: And you could spend the other $99,999,000 on therapy.

[Elliot is caught kissing a young patient's father by Carla.]

Carla: Elliot, I can't believe you would do that.

Turk: What'd you do?

J.D.: Was it naughty?

Elliot: [to J.D. and Turk] You see, yesterday I went shoe shopping, and there was this one pair of...

J.D. and Turk: [looking off into space, to themselves] Shoe shopping.

Carla: [to Elliot] Great, we can talk. What were you thinking?

Elliot: So, we kissed. I've been treating his kid for a week now and we just hit it off, you know. It started off with some innocent flirting: "Hi, I'm Dr. Reid"... "Why is there blood in my son's stool?"...

My Half-Acre [5.09]

[J.D. is set up on a blind date with a patient's niece]

J.D.: [Thinking] I gotta thank Mrs. Nichols for setting this up.

[A woman walks in, and is at least twice J.D.'s age]

J.D.: [Thinking] Oh, Mrs. Nichols, you blue-haired bitch.

[The woman walks away and a hot girl walks in]

J.D.: [Thinking] Oh, Mrs. Nichols, your new hip is on the house because this girl is amazing. And yet there is something so accessible about her, I wonder what it is?

[The girl collides with a server and flips a table over]

Julie: Oh, I'm gonna have the carrot cake.

J.D.: Morning, Elliot. By the way, Julie's here, but I'm not gonna kiss and tell.

Elliot: Oh, really, 'cause I just got your text. That said "Bone City."

J.D.: [acting surprised] Oh, really. That came through?

Her Story II [5.10]

Carla: [narrating] And now his boyfriend will comfort him.

J.D: Don't listen to her Brown Bear, your body's fierce.

Turk: Is it?

J.D: Like Taye Diggs.

Turk: [to Carla] Taye. Diggs.

Turk: Look, Julie, I'm very protective of J.D., so it's gonna take a lot for you to win me over.

Julie: J.D. wanted me to introduce you to my godfather.

[Billy Dee Williams enters]

Williams: Julie's a great girl.

Turk: [momentary pause, then begins shrieking] AH-HA-HA-HA, Lando Calrissian! Come here.

[Hugs Williams]

Williams: [Laughing] You can call me Billy Dee.

Turk: Yes, Lando. Yes.

My Buddy's Booty [5.11]

Elliot: J.D., I don't want to do this! Can't we just go home and put our PJ's on and watch Grey's Anatomy?

J.D.: Oh, I do love that show. It's like they've been watching our lives, and then just put it on TV!

[J.D. is angry that Elliot has told Keith personal things about him]

J.D. [to Elliot] You know, I am ashamed of you! Do you know how unbelievably petty it is to get that personal?

[The elevator opens, revealing the entire staff]

J.D.: Once when we were dating, Elliot asked me to urinate on her!

Elliot: [screeching] I'd been stung by a jellyfish!

My Cabbage [5.12]

Cabbage: Dr. Dorian? Should the IV be leaking like this?

J.D.: Yes and no... Mostly no... In fact, pretty much all no. First you take a little nipper for yourself... [sips from leaking IV, dribbles some on Cabbage] Ah! Got some on you! That's some of the fun that you can have. No, but really, just watch and learn, Cabbage, watch and learn.

Cabbage: It's an honor to watch you work, sir.

J.D.: [absently] Take it all in, Cabbage, take it all in...

Keith: How come I don't get a nickname?

J.D.: Not everyone's last name lends itself to a nickname, Keith.

Keith: My last name is Dudemeister.

J.D.: And what am I supposed to do with that, OK? I'm not a magician.

My Five Stages [5.13]

Dr. Cox: Listen to me, Hedrick, I find your particular brand of psycho-babblery about as effective as fairy dust. If it were up to me, we never would have called you.

J.D.: [voiceover] "We"? Oh my God, it's finally happened - he's made us a team! [out loud] That's right, Hedrick, we don't need your help! We can handle things around here just fine! In fact, we are thinking about going into private practice together!

Dr. Cox: What?

J.D.: [voiceover] Easy, now is not the time to bring up the Dorian-Cox Clinic, much less the relocation to Jacksonville.

Dr. Cox: He seems strangely impervious to my threats. That annoys me.

My Own Personal Hell [5.14]

Dr. Cox: And Gandheroo, I need you to talk to a young, pregnant black girl who will not let me call her mom.

Turk: Why would she listen to me?

Dr. Cox: I may have told her that you were Kanye West.

Turk: I'm actually alright with that.

Obnoxious Patient: Oh, breathe through your nose. You remind me of my bulldog.

Dr. Cox: You know, as a doctor, I rarely root for the disease, but with you I find myself cheering, "Go hypercalcemia with underlying MEN syndrome. Go, go, go, go!"

Obnoxious Patient: Do you drink out of the toilet? My bulldog drinks out of the toilet.

My Extra Mile [5.15]

J.D.: Mr. Barry, I misplaced your chart, I forgot, what's wrong with you again? [looks at Mr. Barry] Oh, that's right, you have a kitty cat stuck in your mouth. Or should I say you have a person stuck around you, little guy. Goochie goochie.

J.D.: I'm hiding. I really don't want to be bald. I have a sneaking suspicion it won't work for me, I think it might accentuate my spoon-chest.

Dr. Cox: [grunts an affirmative]

J.D.: Plus, the girl I'm dating is totally into my hair.

Dr. Cox: She's gotta be interested in more than just your hair. [J.D. flashes back to the previous night]

Hair Girl: [smiling] If it weren't for your hair, I don't think I'd be remotely interested in you. [flashback ends]

J.D.: I'm sure there's something else she's into. [flashback again]

Hair Girl: No, there's nothing else. [flashback ends]

J.D.: There is, even if she won't admit it.

My Bright Idea [5.16]

Carla: I just took a pregnancy test, just tell me when a minute's up.

Turk: I just put some pizza rolls on the microwave oven; the minute that bad boy dings we're good to go.

Carla: Oh, my god, I can't stand it, 30 more seconds.

Turk: OK baby, don't get too excited, they have to cool off for at least a minute.

J.D.: No. No more. Here are some of the lies you've told us over the last five years: You went to Harvard. You have a wife who only has a pointer and thumb-pinky. You have a - a brother-dad, a mother-sister. You have two kids, no wait, you have one kid, no wait, you had a baby with a Chinese local, you're a deaf-mute, oh wait, now you're telling us that you're a world class hurdler and you slept with the beautiful and irreplaceable Amy Carter?

Janitor: I - I didn't sleep with Amy Carter. We did everything but.

My Chopped Liver [5.17]

[Jordan and Elliot are in the cafeteria]

Jordan: You know, one of the reasons I divorced Perry was because of his last name.

Elliot: You don't like Cox?

Jordan: Actually, I love Cox.

The Todd: [walks up, knocks on table] Greatest conversation ever.

Jordan: See, that's the problem.

Woman: [offscreen] This sausage is huge!

The Todd: Excuse me ladies, I'm needed elsewhere.

Jordan: [to Elliot] Don't tell anyone I'm nice.

My New Suit [5.18]

Carla: I'm not sure that suit works on you.

J.D.: Thanks for your opinion, Carla, [turning to the camera] but I'm much more interested in what you all think.

Lonnie: We don't love it.

J.D.: Well who cares, Lonnie, [turning to the camera again and pointing] because all that really matters is whether or not America loves it.

Americo: For the last time, it's Americo! And of course I love it, I made it!

J.D.: He's a dynamite tailor; not sure why he's here.

Dan Dorian: Life's actually pretty good: Mom lets me live in the attic, I'm driving Dad's old Plymouth Horizon and as I'm Chief Bartender, they let me take home half the extra chicken wings, thank you very much.

Dr. Cox: Say, Dan. Do you ever have to pinch yourself to make sure it's not all some crazy dream?

His Story III [5.19]

Dr Cox: You're black? 'Cause last I checked you had a nerdy white best friend, you enjoy Neil Diamond, and you damn sure act like a black guy... and these, my friend, are all characteristics of white guys. Please understand, I'm a huge supporter of the NAACP. If you don't know what that stands for, it's the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. And quite frankly, I always thought they should change the 'colored people' to 'African Americans' but then of course it wouldn't be the NAACP, it'd be the N quad A or NAAAA. And I know this probably sounds like a digression but actually brings me back to my original point... Do I think you're black? Naaaaaaaaa!

Janitor: Knock knock. Who's there? Nurse Mophead. Nurse Mophead who? You have a mophead.

My Lunch [5.20]

Carla: I'm having a weird pregnancy craving. Hey, J.D., if you go out, would you get me a hot Italian sausage?

The Todd: I've got a hot Italian sausage for you, right here!

[blank stares, head shakes]

The Todd: People think I just walk into these situations, but it's really a lot of hard work. You know what else is hard? ...I should go.

J.D.: I think I may vomit.

Jill Tracy: I know he wasn't here yesterday. But I thought maybe he got the day wrong and he'd be here today with roses. Is that sad?

J.D.: It's not not sad.

My Fallen Idol [5.21]

Carla: Now Dr. Cox needs our help getting through this. Jordan can watch him in the morning and at night, but she's got Jack, plus... she's not that emotionally available.

Jordan: [cheerfully] I'm dead inside!

J.D.: You probably wondered why I didn't show up before, huh? I know you wanted me to, even though you'd never admit it. Normally I would kill to get into this apartment, and you'd try and keep me out... I say "try", because at your Super-Bowl party, which I was not invited to, I was lucky enough to be able to watch the second half from right over there. I was the bearded Dominoe's employee you invited in because I said I was a fan of Jerome Bettis, whoever the hell that is. Anyway, I tried to convince myself the reason I didn't come earlier was because of you coming into work drunk; but that's not it. I was scared. I guess after all this time I still think of you as like this superhero that'll help me out of any situation I'm in. I needed that. But that's my problem, you know, and I'll deal with that. I guess I came over here to tell you... how proud of you I am. Not because you did the best you could for those patients; but because after twenty years of being a doctor, when things go badly, you still take it this hard. And I gotta tell you man, I mean... that's the kind of doctor I want to be. [pours himself a drink]

J.D.: [narration] Maybe he just needed time to heal, or maybe he just needed to see how much everybody cared, but I'd like to believe it was because of me that he was finally able to say this:

Dr. Cox: [sees J.D. taking a sip] You don't drink scotch.

J.D.: [spits it back into the glass] Ugh... That's awful.

My Déjà vu, My Déjà vu [5.22]

Dr. Cox: Barbie why did you order this test? For the love of God, are you a real doctor or a doctor like Dr. Pepper is a doctor? Hmmm?

Janitor: Okay, two coins add up to 30 cents, no nickels. I could swear we've done this before. C'mon man, you went to Harvard for god's sake.

Troy: Relax! I figured it out.

Janitor: A penny, and... a button, that you wrote '29 cents' on. Think I don't recognize your handwriting?

Troy: Can't we just kill him?

Janitor: No. No, Troy, that's what he wants us to do.

My Urologist [5.23]

Carla: Remember when I first started dating Turk and I wanted to bail on him because he cried at the end of sex?

Turk: [alarmed] Baby!

J.D.: [to Turk] Relax, Brown Bear, there's no shame in cry-maxing.

Kim: Hey, dudes.

J.D.: Don't "hey, dudes" us! You know what really bothers me?

Kim: Non-threatening colloquial greetings?

My Transition [5.24]

Elliot: Okay, guess what flavor baby food this is.

Keith: Cab driver feet?

Carla: I could give you a whole list of things that suck about being pregnant. For example, I am now horny as I've ever been, and my husband is repulsed by me.

Turk: Baby, if you really need it that badly, I will suck it up, close my eyes so tight, and then do you.

Carla: Thank you for the sacrifice.

Turk: It's because I love you.