Scrubs (Season 3)

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Scrubs is an American medical comedy drama television series created by Bill Lawrence that aired from October 2, 2001 to March 17, 2010 on NBC and later ABC. The series follows the lives of employees at the fictional Sacred Heart teaching hospital. The title is a play on surgical scrubs and a term for a low-ranking person because at the beginning of the series, most of the main characters were medical interns.

Season 3

My Own American Girl [3.01]

Nurse Roberts: You'll be okay, Marshmallow.

Elliot: Laverne, do you call me "Marshmallow" because I'm soft and easily flattened?

Nurse Roberts: Well, yeah... But, if it makes you feel any better, it's also because you're very white.

Dr. Moyer: I'm the head of the Radiology Department. You called me at home to do an abdominal catscan that could wait until Monday morning? Well, guess what? It's not happening.

J.D.: Dr. Moyer-

Dr. Moyer: These are my machines!

Carla: Sir—

Dr. Moyer: MY MACHINES!

Turk: Whose machines?

Dr. Moyer: MY MACHINES!

J.D.: [to Turk] How was that helpful?

Dr. Moyer: [Ranting] THEY'RE MINE- MINE- MINE- MY MACHINES! MY MACHINES! MY MACHINES! MY MACHINES!

My Journey [3.02]

Elliot: [Upon applying red lipstick in preparation for a date] Dr. Cox, does this shade of red make me look like a clown?

Dr. Cox: No... Barbie, no. It makes you look like a prostitute that caters exclusively to clowns.

Elliot: Oh! Ah... that was my mistake, I keep forgetting that you're a horrible, horrible person.

Dr. Cox: Ooh, Backbone Barbie!

Elliot: Oh, so you've never dreamed about your wedding day.

J.D.: [drifts off]

Priest: Do you, John Dorian, take Marcia Brady to be your wife?

Maureen McCormick: My name is Maureen McCormick.

J.D.: Marcia, please! Father, continue.

My White Whale [3.03]

Dr. Kelso: Well, don't worry about it, son, those things are a dime a dozen.

Bruce: Really?

Dr. Kelso: In fact, if you get bored, why don't you just hijack an ice cream truck and drive it through our brand new pathology lab? But do me a favor and spare the paper shredder, because I'll need that to turn your next twelve paychecks into a clown wig you can wear for the rest of your internship!

J.D.: Hey, Sean, you were right about me and my interns. I guess I owe you an apology.

Carla: Damn straight, you do! You know what your problem is, Bambi? You're—[Turk picks her up and carries her away] Oh! Turk! Please? Just one more second? I need the rush! Please? [to J.D.] I'm coming back for you!

My Lucky Night [3.04]

Dr. Cox: [To Dr. Steadman] You're a doctor? Here, all this time I thought that you were some kind of parasitic creature that lived shoulder-deep inside Big Bob's colon.

Dr. Steadman: [To Dr. Kelso] If only, sir.

Dr. Cox: [to J.D] I'm gonna go ahead and write you a prescription for two testicles; and you feel free to get this filled out whenever you want.

My Brother Where Art Thou? [3.05]

Dan: [Objecting to Dr. Cox's harsh treatment of a patient] Dude, these are living breathing people we're talking about here-

Dr. Cox: I'm sorry, Dan, what do you do?

Dan: I tend bar.

Dr. Cox: Well, how about you let me worry about the way we do things around here, but if I ever do need advice on how to make a top notch rum and Coke, well then by gum mister you had better be by the phone cause I just might give you a jingle. [mimes talking on a phone] "Bah-rrring! Hello, Dan? Cox-a-roonie. Regarding the rum and Coke issue. Couldn't be more confused."

J.D.: Look, Dan. I want to apologize for everything I said. For what it's worth, I really like having you around.

Dan: No, you don't.

J.D.: I know. I have dreams where I staple your fingers to your face.

My Advice To You [3.06]

[J.D. and several other residents are watching TV; Dr. Cox turns it off; they groan]

Dr. Cox: Fine. Let me just tell you how it ends. Dr. Phil says, "And how is that working out... for you?" And then the big fat lady cries, waah. Alright. I'm sure you're wondering why I accepted the position of Residency Director considering my disdain for, well... all of you. Is it the extra four dollars a week in my paycheck? Or is it the fact that I finally have a chance to make a difference in this god forsaken hellhole?

[Elliot looks pleased and impressed]

Dr. Cox: It's all about the four dollars, trust me. And since my money is contingent on you lemmings actually doing your jobs, I would say now is a pretty good time for you to scurry on back to work so I can continue to afford the antidepressants that keep me so darn jolly. [Laughs] GO!

Danni: Unrequited love sucks, you know?

J.D.: You know what we need to do, uhhh...?

Danni: Danni.

J.D.: J.D.

Danni: Hi.

J.D.: Hi. Danni, we need to move on, okay? No more thinking about our exes, no more waiting for the phone to ring, no more stealing her purse just so you can return it later in hopes that she'll be so grateful she'll use the money recovered to buy you a drink and maybe have sex with you after.

Danni: Did that work?

J.D.: I stole the wrong purse. And yes.

My Fifteen Seconds [3.07]

Jordan: I'm having second thoughts about our giant nanny. She's lovely and all, but every time the fridge is empty, she looks at our son like he's a plate of ribs.

Dr. Cox: Well, you shoulda let me hire the really skinny model. At least if she ate Jack, she'd throw him up right after.

Danni: What are you doing here?

Dr. Cox: I called him. Lookit, after shooting my mouth off the other night I've been feeling a lot of... well...

Jordan: Guilt.

Dr. Cox: No, not that.

J.D.: Guilt?

Dr. Cox: Yes, that.

[Jordan rolls her eyes]

Dr. Cox: I... I don't like her to be right.

Elliot: But Dr. Cox, Dr. Kelso said-

Dr. Cox: Ughssssh- I don't ever want to hear anything that's come out of that man's mouth unless, of course, it's "I'm dying. Now I'm moving towards the light. But wait, there's been a mistake! This is Hell! Hello, Hitler; hello, Mussolini. Captain Kanagaroo! That's weird!" Don't you see, Barbie? I would rather listen to you go on and on about the joys of... dolphin sex.

Elliot: Dolphin trainer sex. My boyfriend is a dolphin trainer.

Dr. Cox: I hear that's a shame. Because the dolphin thing used to make you so interesting. Too bad. We are moving on.

J.D.: You heard him, people- we're moving on.

Dr. Cox: [Groans] Oh, God, help me.

J.D.: God help him.

My Friend the Doctor [3.08]

Dr. Cox: Carla, I have a six-month old child, I'm gonna be one of those weird old guys who brings my son down to the park, where everybody is like, "Hmm, is he the dad, is he the grandad, is he the grandad's grandad and oh my God, why is he pushing a traffic cone on the swing while his five-year old little boy is in the mud crying? Is—is he taunting the little boy? No! He can't even see the little boy, and, now look: he's actually taking the traffic cone, putting it in the minivan and driving away while the little boy cries and the traffic cone sits quietly and watches Finding Nemo on DVD."

Dr. Cox: Do you...do you think that my son will like me?

Carla: Oh, God no.

My Dirty Secret [3.09]

Elliot: Oh my God! She has a tattoo of a teardrop on her bajingo! Is it sad?

Carla: Her vagina, Elliot. She has a tattoo on her beautiful vagina.

[Turk walks in]

Turk: This just isn't fair, not fair at all it's ridiculous! [storms off, Elliot follows him]

Carla: [looking at the picture] It does look a little sad. They always do.

Jordan: [kisses Cox] Hurry home tonight so you can ignore your son and not do your share.

Dr. Cox: [laughs weakly] You make me want to kill myself and everybody around me!

My Rule of Thumb [3.10]

Elliot: Carla, if your wedding ceremony's gonna be in Spanish, how will I know that you're officially married?

Carla: [sarcastically] Cause all my cousins will throw tortillas in the air and fire their guns.

Elliot: Really? God I wish I was ethnic.

Carla: Come on, Turk! I've got two minutes left in my break; how long is this surgery gonna take?

Dr. Cox: Carla, cut the guy some slack. Surgery is not as easy as it looks. I mean, he's gotta make an incision, cut the wrong artery, panic, collapse into a ball of tears in the corner, and after all that's he's gotta go wash up, check the board, and find out who he'll be killing after lunch. It's... a grind.

J.D.: She’s not moving in permanently, she’s just crashing for a while.

Laverne: Mmm hmmm.

Dr. Cox: About a year ago, Jordan said she wanted to crash for a while. Now my office is a nursery, my closet is my office, my clothes are in the entertainment centre and my TV is in the john, which I guess is kind of nice, I don’t even know anymore.

My Clean Break [3.11]

Turk: If Tyra Banks drove her car over my mom then offered to have sex with me, I'd have to dial 911 in the nude because my pants would already be off.

Carla: That's sweet—while your mother lays there dying!

Turk: [to J.D.] Tell her.

J.D.: His mom doesn't die. Tyra uses her connections in the supermodel world to get government scientists to put Turk's mom's brain into Heidi Klum's body. She falls in love with me, we all move in together.

Turk: It'd be awkward at first, but I'd make it work... because I love my mom.

J.D.: Mmm... and I would love her too!

Carla: New low.

Dr. Cox: As Residency Director, it is my pleasure to have both surgical and medical personnel here with us today. In fact, in this room, we have enough brainpower to light up a city! Not a real city, mind you, but definitely a tiny ant city whose government has recently passed a series of stringent energy conservation laws.

Doug: [taking notes, whispering to J.D.] Stringent what?

J.D.: [whispering to Doug] Stringent updoc. [to Turk] It's happening.

[Doug raises his hand]

Dr. Cox: Yes, nervous guy?

Doug: What's "up Doc"?

(JD and Turk laugh)

My Catalyst [3.12]

Carla: [to J.D., who is flaunting his new hair wax] Your hair smells like Elliot's.

J.D.: Well, your breath smells like chimichangas! [storms off]

Carla: [to Elliot] Was that racist?

Elliot: Well, it depends. Did you have chimichangas for breakfast?

Carla: ...Maybe.

Kevin Casey: [to Ted] Hey Hair Club, that suit does it come with the flop sweat?

My Porcelain God [3.13]

Janitor: Okay, look, attention roof-poopers! Setting aside, for a moment, the fact that I'm going to make sure that you all live to regret this day, let's keep the magic rolling. Let's not tell anyone else that there's a toilet on the roof— [the Todd walks in] There is not a toilet on the roof!

Todd: But you just said there was!

Janitor: No—yes, I did, but I was using a metaphor... ah, that means God is watching us. You've heard this... There's a "Toilet" on the "Roof". Right, people?

[Group agreement, Todd smiles, says "Cool!", does the sign of the cross and snaps his fingers before leaving]

Dr. Kevin Casey: Damn roof toilet's got my number.

Elliot: Can't lick it, huh?

Dr. Kevin Casey: Oh God, no! I can't even sit on it!

My Screw Up [3.14]

Ted: Sir, I think I know how my problem concerns a loved one.

Kelso: Go on.

Ted: It concerns me...?

Kelso: Swing and a miss.

Dr. Cox: Shower Shorts?

J.D: For the man who has nothing to hide, but still wants to.

My Tormented Mentor [3.15]

Dr. Cox: Listen, Abby, I didn't write to you for advice, so if you continue down this road you are going to be eating, breathing and relieving yourself through a tube of some kind! Signed, Dealing With It On His Own, from Kansas.

J.D.: I once wrote to Abby because I didn't have any hair like the rest of the boys. By the time an answer came back it was like a forest down there! But, you know, nothing ventured.

Dr. Cox: I'm looking for streamers and a marching band because this will be the ceremonial one millionth time I've had to shake off something you've said.

Dr. Cox: Listen to me, never stick any part of your hairless body in my life again. Trust me, there is nothing for you to gain from it, because even if you went on a cruise to the furthest parts of the ocean and rescued my salt-soaked body in time to pump the sea water out of my lungs and bring me back from the brink of death, I would still be disappointed that the first face I saw was yours.

J.D.: Well, you wouldn't see my face because it would be buried in your chest giving you the hug you've been afraid to ask for your whole life!

My Butterfly [3.16]

Elliot: I can't find that girl's little pink doggie anywhere.

Todd: I got a pink doggie for you, but it's not little!

Elliot: Todd, if you show me your penis, I'm going to take it away from you.

Dr. Kelso: Do you think I got to be chief of medicine by being late?

Dr. Cox: No. You got there by back-stabbing and ass-kissing.

Dr. Kelso: Maybe so, but I started those things promptly at eight.

My Moment of Un-Truth [3.17]

Elliot: Laverne, did you pull up Mr. Thompson's old charts?

Nurse Roberts: He was here like 8 years ago complaining of the same abdominal pain, but as soon as he was given his pain medication, he went A.M.A.

Elliot: So he just took the drugs and bolted?

Nurse Roberts: No... he took some towels too.

Elliot: You know, Dr Cox, you think that you have seen it all and done it all, but guess what? You haven’t done me. [Storms off.]

[Everyone turns to stare at Cox.]

Dr. Cox: Give her a second there, gang.

Elliot: [Coming back.] That didn’t come out right.

His Story II [3.18]

Carla: Christopher!

Turk: Christopher? You only call me that when you're mad at me... or when we're having sex. Baby, are you mad when we're having sex?

Carla: ...Sometimes.

Lonnie: Mr. Miliken just died and his family needs to be notified. And since I’m still kinda new at this, I was hoping you could do it.

J.D.: So you steal my research project and now you want me to do your dirty work?

Lonnie: Dr Cox told me if you said that to say, “That’s right, Melinda.”

My Choosiest Choice of All [3.19]

Danni: Do you even enjoy spending time with me?

J.D.: "Enjoy" is such a strong word. I... I'm used to it! Y'know, like cafeteria food, or the constant threat of terrorism.

J.D.: [narration] There comes a time when every man needs to make a choice, whether it's a professional choice or whether it's a personal choice. In the end, it's about integrity, and it's about chasing after what you really want, even if that means showing you both care a little. And sometimes... well, sometimes you just have to do what's right for your friend, even if it means sacrificing your own happiness. When it comes down to it, you just have to be proud of the decision you make.

My Fault [3.20]

Dr. Cox: Bob, I cannot believe you're going to turn this hospital into a money-making machine that coerces people into spending their hard-earned cash on expensive procedures they don't even need.

Dr. Kelso: Why not? It sounds like something I'd do.

[Turk and Carla are at a cake store, in search of one for their wedding.]

Turk: What's up with the white people on top?

Carla: Turk, they don't have tiny plastic interracial couples.

Baker: I'll just color it in with some chocolate frosting.

Turk: Oh, that's a great idea. Put 'em in blackface.

Carla: Turk!

Turk: What? [To baker] While you're at it, why don't you put a string in the back of him, so when you pull it he sings "Mammy"!

Baker: Forget it.

[The baker walks off to the back of his shop.]

Turk: Where're you going?! To the back of the bakery where you keep all the other colored cakes? I'ma call Jesse! And we gonna march on your ass!

My Self-Examination [3.21]

[Jack starts crying during a fight between Dr. Cox and Jordan]

Jordan: Great, we made him cry. If we keep this up, we are gonna scar him for life!

Dr. Cox: I don't necessarily buy into all that New Age-y crap. I once saw my mom knock my dad unconscious with a frying pan. You know what I did? Kept right on going with my birthday party!

[Dr. Cox pushes the Janitor; the Janitor laughs.]

Janitor: That was a mistake.

Dr. Cox: Why, because you're afraid you can't take me?

Janitor: No, it's because of this. Boys!

[Four janitors show up and grab Dr. Cox.]

Janitor: You know where to take 'im.

[The four men carry Dr. Cox away.]

Dr. Cox: Take me? Take me where? Maintenance? Maintenance? Oh, no- the Maintenance Brothers!

[Later]

Carla: Why is your mouth red?

Dr. Cox: Duct tape, two hours in a morgue drawer, don’t piss off the Janitor, end of story.

My Best Friend's Wedding [3.22]

[Carla's wedding has gone disastrously wrong]

Carla: Ever since I was a little girl, I had this fairytale idea about the perfect wedding. And, oh yeah, I always ended up married.

Dr. Cox: Marriage is overrated. Jordan and I aren't married, and we're getting along great.

Jordan: Per, is making out with a stranger cheating?

Dr. Cox: Technically, not if it's under 10 seconds, dear.

Jordan: Eh, not worth it!

Dr. Kelso: [Drunk] Dr. Turkleton!

Turk: Actually sir, it's just Turk.

Dr. Kelso: That's your first name.

Turk: You think my name is Turk Turkleton?

Dr. Kelso: [Carla walks up] And Mrs. Turkleton! The Turkletons! [chuckles; leaves to find bartender] Can I get another Scotch?