Scrubs (Season 2)

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Scrubs is an American medical comedy drama television series created by Bill Lawrence that aired from October 2, 2001 to March 17, 2010 on NBC and later ABC. The series follows the lives of employees at the fictional Sacred Heart teaching hospital. The title is a play on surgical scrubs and a term for a low-ranking person because at the beginning of the series, most of the main characters were medical interns.

Season 2

My Overkill [2.01]

J.D.: [narration] Call it wishful thinking, but I couldn’t shake this feeling that this was nothing more than a very, very bad dream. [J.D. wakes up, and jumps when he sees Turk next to him.]

Turk: [In a seductive voice.] Good morning, Tiger.

J.D.: [narration] Of course, I’ve been wrong before. [aloud] How could you let a woman kick you out of your own bed?

Turk: Baby, why you gotta be so cranky in the morning?

J.D.: This is unacceptable. You said we were gonna sleep head to foot.

Turk: Dude, either way the naughty bits are still in the middle.

J.D.: Yeah, but with the head to foot alignment there's no way for them to [hits fists together] lock in.

Turk: Dude, could you be more homophobic?

J.D.: I'm not.

[Turk whisks off duvet. J.D. is already dressed.]

J.D.: Ready to go?

J.D.: Okay, fine, I’m sorry I slept with your ex-wife! It was an accident.

Dr. Cox: Look, first of all, it’s not like you tripped and fell into her. And then out of her and then into her again. And second of all, you’re smart enough to know that I don’t want to talk about this. I don’t want to know where you did it. I don’t even want to know how it was.

J.D.: A little scary. Sorry, jitters.

My Nightingale [2.02]

Jordan: Hello, Perry.

J.D.: [Narration.] Oh, God, the ex-wife.

Dr. Cox: Jordan. What a coincidence. You were in my dream last night. I can’t say for certain, but I was having the flesh torn from my bones by a cross-eyed water snake. You, right?

Jordan: Yes.

Dr. Cox: Right?

Jordan: Yeah.

Dr. Cox: Right?

Jordan: Mmm hmm. [Laughs.] Say, let’s play a game. I’ll throw out an adjective describing how one of you is in bed, and you guys try to guess who it is.

J.D.: Remember, I had no idea she was your ex at the time.

Jordan: OK, clumsy.

Dr. Cox: Don’t answer that, Newbie.

J.D.: No worries. [Leans on a trolley, and falls over.]

Dr. Cox: Goodbye, Jordan. Sandy. [Kicks J.D. as he steps over him.]

J.D.: Ow.

Jordan: Good job, D.J.

J.D.: You know it's J.D.! You know, at least I remember the names of all my sexual partners!

Jordan: Well, I'm sure that girl from high school and your bunkmate from Camp Morningwood are both extremely grateful. Yeah. [Walks off.]

J.D.: [Quietly.] Camp Meadow Wood. I made a lanyard.

J.D.: Hey, so what attendings are stuck here on call tonight?

Turk: Everyone’s at that Kelso thing.

Elliot: I think Dr Cox is on.

Carla: No, he went home, but he said that Carol could cover for him.

Turk: Is Carol the one with the really firm butt?

J.D.: Well, I’m Carol, so yes.

Elliot: It’s disturbing how obsessed you are with your own butt.

J.D.: Come on, you guys are missing the point. No one is here tonight but us. We are running this hospital.

Turk: This is our house!

Elliot: We’re in charge!

J.D.: I love my butt!

My Case Study [2.03]

Turk: Dr. Kelso, how can you make love to your wife if she's at fat camp?

Dr. Kelso: The question is, how can I make love to her if she's not at fat camp?

[Dr. Cox disapproves of J.D. currying Kelso's favor]

J.D.: You know, I don't care what you think.

Dr. Cox: Yeah, you do.

J.D.: I know. Look, I wanna be like you... but a more successful you. There's nothing wrong with playing the game once in a while. Tell you what, in 10 years, when I'm your boss, I'll put in a good word for you and you won't even have to ask... sir.

My Big Mouth [2.04]

J.D.: What's up?

Janitor: I always get this way in the fall, you know? Summer’s gone, the days are shorter. It just makes me feel so... what’s the word?

J.D.: Sad?

Janitor: Yes, that’s it. I’m a janitor, so I couldn’t think of the word ‘sad.’ I was gonna say ‘it makes me feel so mop.’

J.D.: Let me explain. I...

Janitor: Go ahead. I’m mopping.

J.D.: Maybe I shouldn’t bother.

Janitor: Maybe you mopn’t.

Dr. Cox: Come on now, Barbie. You keep going down this road, you’re gonna go up to the roof of the hospital and jump the hell off. Mind you, it’s only five stories high, so that means you’ll just wind up back down here, where I, of course, will be the one who has to treat you, and then I’ll be forced to jump off the roof of this hospital, which, as I was suggesting to you, is only five stories high. And are you starting to see a pattern forming here?

My New Coat [2.05]

J.D.: A patient's blaming me for losing his sense of smell.

Ted: Oh my God, you cut off someone's nose?! Where is it? Do you have it on you? You're disgusting.

J.D.: No, I just gave him IV imipenem.

Ted: Kelso’s gonna blame me. Just get rid of the nose.

J.D.: Ted, I don't have the nose. Maybe you should just calm down—

Ted: MAYBE YOU SHOULD CALM DOWN!!

J.D.: My bad.

Dr. Cox: When you speak of this, and I know you will, can I be shirtless? I think it would be more impressive if I was shirtless.

My Big Brother [2.06]

Carla: You don't want to get on Bambi's bad side, and suffer the wrath of Bambi!

Dan: So, you slept with my little brother. If he tries hard, but there's room for improvement, take a sip.

[Elliot takes a sip]

J.D.: Elliot!

Elliot: What? I was thirsty.

J.D.: Well, ok, ask me if she could be better. [drains glass] What? Thirsty!

Elliot: [aside to Dan] I wasn't thirsty.

My First Step [2.07]

Julie Keaton: Plomox is the most effective antiarrhythmic drug on the market right now, and it has minimal side effects — only nausea, impotence, and anal leakage.

Dr. Cox: [smiling] I'm gettin' two out of three just from the conversation!

Julie Keaton: So, this is romantic... the two of us, full moon...

Dr. Cox: Homeless guy pissing on a dumpster...

My Fruit Cups [2.08]

Dr. Cox: So my girlfriend serviced most of the staff? I'm proud of her commitment to medicine.

Carla: It's not like you haven't had sex with other people. Your ex-wife, that med student, your ex-wife, the cute nurse from radiology, your ex-wife...

Dr. Cox: Would you get off my ex-wife?

Carla: I will if you will.

Dr. Cox: [laughs] Dammit, gosh, now I'm too proud of you to be mad at you.

[a doctor is being arrested]

Janitor: Yep, they got him, and he's gonna pay.

J.D.: They're actually arresting someone for stealing pudding and toilet paper?

Janitor: No, they found 20 bottles of Vicodin in his backpack. [suspiciously] Did you steal pudding and toilet paper?

J.D.: [nervously] W-what? No! I hate pudding, and I don't use toilet paper... [pauses] I have one of those French things that shoots water up your butt.

Janitor: Bidet?

J.D.: Bidet to you, sir.

My Lucky Day [2.09]

J.D.: Hey, Dr. Cox! You’ll be happy to know that I did everything for my patient, that you did for yours.

Dr. Cox: Oh, my God, I care so little, I almost passed out.

Dr. Kelso: Hey, Ace, your TTP patient coded. I pronounced him.

J.D.: He died?

Dr. Kelso: I certainly hope so. Otherwise that autopsy is gonna be a bitch!

Elliot: [to a patient who's suing her] I know what your problem is; you blame your problems on everyone else. Well, you know what? If your job isn't challenging, you should get another career. If you have trouble with relationships, maybe it's because you have problems with commitment. I know, because I'm the same way; I blame my parents for spoiling me, I blame this place for taking up all my time... Well, no more. I'm going to grow up and start holding myself accountable.

Patient: Good for you.

Elliot: You're still suing me, aren't you?

Patient: Yes, but now I feel like you can handle it.

My Monster [2.10]

Dr. Cox: You know, Jordan, I have to tell you: despite how crazy-hormonal you are, there is something about a pregnant woman that's almost spiritual.

Jordan: Really?

Dr. Cox: Honestly you—

Jordan: Mm-hmm.

Dr. Cox: —you have never looked so beautiful.

Jordan: It's the giant boobs, isn't it.

Dr. Cox: Well, have you seen them lately?

J.D.: I've seen bigger. [To Nurse Roberts] Not on you. Although, kudos!

Nurse Roberts: Mm-hmm!

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, this is not "Bring Your Problems To Work Day", this is just "Work Day".

My Sex Buddy [2.11]

J.D.: [voiceover] And then she said something every man is dying to hear...

Elliot: We can be sex buddies...

J.D. : [hears fanfare] I mean... if you want.

Dr. Cox: Oh, and by the way, Barbie: if word were to get around that Uncle Cox was doling out the feel-goods... [grins] I'll make you pay. You have no idea. Huge.

My New Old Friend [2.12]

J.D: Hey, you're black, right?

Turk: Here we go.

J.D: I hate that stereotype that black people all yell at movie screens, y'know? Like you go to see a horror flick and you'd be yelling like, "Don't go in there, girl! He behind the do'!" Y'know? It's like... it's offensive.

Turk: You wish you were allowed to yell at the screen, don't ya?

J.D: ...Why does she go in there?! I mean, he's behind the do'!

J.D.: [narration] There are a few things I've always believed in. Flowers are good for any occasion. And nothing is more important than making time for an old friend, especially if the old girl has seen better days. Because even if it breaks your heart to be "just friends," if you really care about someone, you'll take the hit.

My Philosophy [2.13]

Turk: Tonight, I'm gonna make her a nice dinner, then I'm gonna put the ring in her champagne glass.

J.D.: You might as well put it in her cham-lame glass.

Turk: Okay, Mr. Know-It-All, what would you do?

J.D.: Okay, first you gotta get, like, 50 candles, right?

Turk: Mm-hmm?

J.D.: You spread 'em all over the room with some rose petals....

Turk: That's right, because the roses are beautiful, and they make the room smell amazing.

J.D.: Like a meadow in springtime.

Turk: Mmm.

[Carla comes in]

Carla: What are you guys talking about?

Turk: Nothing; guy talk!

J.D.: Yeah, bitches and hoes.

Dr. Kelso: Ah, back when I was a resident I remember... blah, blah, blah, nostalgic story. Now get the hell out of my office!

My Brother, My Keeper [2.14]

J.D.: I still can't believe I power-walked butt-naked through the halls of the hospital last night!

Turk: My man, I know that wasn't you.

J.D.: How?

Turk: I'm not really proud of this, but I can pick your puff'n'stuff out of a lineup.

J.D.: Oh, it changed since you saw it. It got a haircut.

J.D.: You know, sir, Dr. Townshend here was telling me you have some great old stories about the hospital. I’d love to hear one sometime.

Dr. Kelso: Well, what the hell? Back in 68... I don’t like you. The end. [Walks off.]

Dr. Townshend: He tells that one a lot.

J.D.: I know.

His Story [2.15]

J.D.: Morning, Dr Cox.

Dr. Cox: [Narration.] Gladys, Ginger, Tiffany, no. Cheryl, Betsy... oooh, that’s new. [Aloud.] Betsy, good morning. Let’s make with the chop-chop.

J.D.: You know, you already used Betsy, like six months ago.

Dr. Cox: [Aloud.] I don’t care. [Narration.] Dammit!

Dr. Kelso: Perry! Hi. How are you, et cetera. The wife and I just took out a new insurance policy and I need a physical.

Dr. Cox: Bob, the day I willingly cradle your dusty old twig and berries and get a whiff of your chronic halitosis while you turn your head and cough, is the day you can look for me up on the roof singing "I Believe I Can Fly."

Dr. Kelso: Great stuff. See you about two-ish.

My Karma [2.16]

Jordan: I'm going home.

Dr. Cox: No, no you're not-

Jordan: Bye-bye!

Dr. Cox: Jordan, your water just broke.

Jordan: This kid's annoying me already.

Elliot: Of course I'm holding back, I'm insane, you idiot! Remember the other day when you told me I had pit stains? Well, I have cried every 15 minutes on the half hour since you told me that. I am racked with self-doubt, I have panic attacks, I'm claustrophobic, germaphobic, phobia phobic, I talk to myself, I talk to my cats, I talk to three separate shrinks about the fact that often my cats respond to me in my mother's voice and yesterday, when that stupid pretty surgical nurse handed you a pair of latex gloves, I almost killed the guy whose leg I was stitching up because I couldn't stop thinking about the two of you having sex on a box of steaks! Why a box of steaks? Cause my dad had an affair with a female butcher! And as I mentioned before, I am insane. There, I opened up, are you happy?

Paul: [deadpan] No. I am incredibly turned on.

My Own Private Practice Guy [2.17]

[J.D. walks up to the Janitor, dragging Elliot by her arm]

J.D.: I want you to tell her the truth, dammit, alright? Tell her that you're a surly, devious, horrible excuse for a human being.

[A small boy is standing next to the Janitor]

J.D.: Who's that?

Janitor: That's my son.

Elliot: Oh my God, J.D.! [leaves]

J.D.: I-I-I'm sorry. I-I didn't even see him there...

Janitor: No. I'm glad he heard it. I think it's important he sees how the world treats people like us.

J.D.: ...I'm so sorry. [walks away ashamed]

Janitor: [to kid] Who the hell are you? ...Go on, beat it. Scram! ...Alright, stick around.

The Todd: Oh, Miss Pacman, I would sex that bow right off your head. Oh, eat those dots, you naughty girl!

My T.C.W. [2.18]

J.D.: I decided to take Jamie out on a date.

Carla: Who?

Turk: You know, Tasty Coma Wife?

Elliot: No way!

Dr. Cox: Nice job there, Hooch. I tell you what: You give me some prep time, and I'll rig it so the husband can come with you. Honest to God, I'll have him sitting right next to you. Whaddaya say?

[In J.D.'s fantasy, Mr. Moyer appears from over his shoulder]

Mr. Moyer: I'm free, and I love Italian.

J.D.: You be quiet!

[cuts back to reality]

Carla: I can't believe you, Bambi!

Turk: She's so right, man.

Elliot: What are you thinking?

Dr. Cox: Oh, Rin Tin Tin Tin Tin...

J.D.: SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP AND SHUT UP, OK?! Who are you people to give me advice about anything?! All you do is just bitch about your relationships all day long! [to Dr. Cox] And you know what, glare all you want, big dog, okay? 'Cause I'm not afraid of you. [mimicking Cox] "Oh no! Jordan's only paying attention to the baby!" That must be so hard for "Dr. Look-At-Me", isn't it? "LOOK AT ME!" [to Turk and Carla] And you two? What, you're arguing since you got engaged? Wow, you're probably the first couple that's ever done that ever. It can't be that you're just scared, is it? [to Elliot] And you! Y-you know what, let's just — let's just forget for one second, that a month ago you told me you couldn't be in a relationship with anyone, because, for me, it's actually fun to watch you sabotage a relationship from the outside, it really is. [to everyone] Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort, you guys, is that while I'm sitting at home, staring at the ceiling, just wishing that I had someone to talk to, is knowing that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are!

[He storms out. Laverne walks in]

Laverne: Did I miss something good?

J.D.: [voiceover] I don't think people are meant to be by themselves. That's why if you actually find someone you care about, it's important to let go of the little things, even if you can't let go all the way. Because nothing sucks more than feeling all alone, no matter how many people are around.

My Kingdom [2.19]

Elliot: Dr. Cox...

Dr. Cox: [angrily, to computer] Work. I hate you. You suck.

Elliot: I know, but I've been trying harder lately—

Dr. Cox: Barbie? Talking to the computer, but nice self esteem.

Paul: Hey cowboy, how about you back off the little lady, and we'll all agree that you're really, really scary.

Dr. Cox: Look Flowers, I know your pink scrubs are balled up at the base of Barbie's bed three nights a week, and congrats on that, really. But if you're gonna go ahead and have a showdown with everyone who hassles her, you two won't have time for that sweet, Aryan sex that you love so much. Hit the bricks, towheads.

Dr. Cox: [referring to a broken computer] Why have we never fixed or replaced this monstrosity?

Laverne: You know the deal around here: if it barely works, it's not gonna get replaced.

Dr. Cox: Well, I guess that explains why your ass is still on the payroll, huh? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! Somebody stop me!

My Interpretation [2.20]

J.D.: Look... Janitor, I'm gonna be straight with you. I saw your penis and I noticed a possible melanoma that you should really have checked out.

Janitor: When did you see my penis?

J.D.: Last night when you were showering.

Janitor.: Where were you?

J.D.: Oh, I was outside in the bushes.

Janitor: [dumbfounded]

J.D.: Look, it was just a coincidence, man. If you had looked out of the window you would've seen MY penis, you know.

Janitor: What? Why?

J.D.: Because I had it out while I was looking at yours!

J.D.: [Inspecting the Janitor's penis after seeing a possible melanoma] Well, I still want to refer you to a dermatologist, but it looks benign.

Janitor: Yeah, benign, nine and a half...

My Drama Queen [2.21]

Dr. Cox: Oh gosh, Shannon! Thank you so much for clarifying my point by repeating it word for word! Now, in a reciprocal gesture, could I be included in the planning of your coming out party?

J.D.: Is that a gay joke?

Dr. Cox: No, it’s a cotillion joke. My god, newbie! It’s been two furiously frustrating years! How is it possible that you still don’t get me? I would never compare you to the gays! I like the gays! I like their music, I like their sense of style, I especially like what they’ve done with Halloween! But our thing is that you’re a little girl! That’s who you are! But maybe that's not fair...

J.D.: [narration] Nothing can stop Dr. Cox when he's on a roll like this...

Carla: My mom died.

J.D.: [narration] Except that.

Dr. Cox: You are what you eat. And you clearly went out and devoured a big fat guy, didn't ya?

My Dream Job [2.22]

Dr. Cox: Oh, hey, Bob, here's an idea: What say you stop showing up altogether? We'll just replace you with a giant time-clock. Oh, and if we ever get to missing you, we'll just have a tiny little Bob Kelso cuckoo bird pop out every couple of minutes and say "I've never satisfied a woman. I've never satisfied a woman. I've never satisfied a woman."

J.D.: I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the whole "It's your baby" thing.

Dr. Cox: You know, the funny thing is, I wasn't even mad at Jordan.

J.D.: No?

Dr. Cox: No. I was scared, because I'm quite confident that I'm going to be a terrible father.

J.D.: You? You're going to be a very scary... I mean, great father. Like last night, when you totally kicked our asses because we deserved it. Ad do you remember that time when you told me I wasn't the worst resident who ever lived?

Dr. Cox: You mean, like, eight seconds ago?

J.D.: You have no idea what that meant to me.

Dr. Cox: I said I think you might not be the worst resident of all time. But I can't be sure of that. I mean, c'mon, I haven't done the appropriate legwork.

J.D.: Dr. Cox, you're always there when we need you. I think you've got this fathering thing down. [they look over at Kelso, who is berating Elliot until she is near tears] See, if she was your daughter, you'd totally know how to handle it.

Dr. Cox: My God, you're right.

[Cox walks up to Kelso and knocks him out with one punch]

Dr. Cox: You're doing fine there, Barbie.

Elliot: [stunned] ...Thank you?

Dr. Cox: Everybody have a good one! [smiles warmly at Elliot] I'm going home to see my son. [steps over Kelso] 'Scuse me, there, Bobbo.

J.D.:[narration] That may come up tomorrow.