Saturday Night Live/Season 3

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Saturday Night Live: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49

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Steve Martin/Jackson Browne [3.01]

Yortuk Festrunk: [Czech accent] We are... two wild and crazy guys!

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Dan Aykroyd: During the Lance Hearings, Sen. Charles Percy has been inaccurately accused of tax fraud and embezzlement. Percy later apologized, saying that anyone can make a mistake. Well this story has JUST come in: In 1946, while in the navy, Percy has sex with a polar bear.

Jane Curtin: Uh, wait a minute, Dan. We just had a report that that story is inaccurate. But we do have this, uh, from one of our sources: In 1972, Percy personally ordered the assassination of baseball player Roberto Clemente.

Dan Aykroyd: Uh, this bulletin is JUST coming in, Jane: That last story is, in fact, inaccurate, but we DO have information that in 1957, Percy ordered the assassination of a polar bear while having SEX with Roberto Clemente. More on that story, uh, when we get some of the facts. [looks offscreen] Will someone check that out?

Ray Charles [3.05]

[Beginning of Weekend Update]

Don Pardo: [voiceover] And now, Weekend Update with Chevy Chase!

Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd: [shocked] What?!

Don Pardo: [voiceover] [apologetic] Sorry, old script.

Buck Henry/Leon Redbone [3.06]

John Belushi: [as he holds a lit cigarette] I logged a lot of miles training for that day and I downed a lot of donuts, Little Chocolate Donuts, they taste good, and they've got the sugar I need to get me going in the morning. That's why Little Chocolate Donuts have been on my training table since I was a kid.

Chevy Chase/Billy Joel [3.11]

[fake NBC title card of "The Little House on The Praire Burns To The Ground"]

Don Pardo: [voiceover] The Little House on The Praire Burns To The Ground will not be seen tonight, so that NBC will air the following special program.

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[On Weekend Update, while Emily Litella is telling Chevy Chase that she missed him, Jane Curtin is not happy]

Jane Curtin: [angrily] Emily?! What are you doing here?! SCRAM!

Emily Litella: Oh, go to hell, Miss Clayton.

Michael Palin/Eugene Record [3.16]

Todd: Mr. Brighton? Did I sent you the letter?

Mr. Brighton: I don't know.

Todd: Because I forgot to stamp it!

[Todd crushed Mr. Brighton's toes with his foot]

Lisa Loopner: Your fly's open, Mr. Brighton.

Mr. Brighton: [fuming] YES, I KNOW!

[Mr. Brighton left the Loopner household abruptly]

Steve Martin/The Blues Brothers [3.18]

Dan Aykroyd: This just in, Garrett Morris is dead. A group of 8 youths has fatally shot the late Update correspondant at the kids' playground. Another paraquat-related death.

Jane Curtin: Hoping your news is good news. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.