Night Court (season 3)

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Night Court (1984–1992) is an American sitcom, airing on NBC, about the night shift of a Manhattan court, presided over by the young, unorthodox Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone.

Hello, Goodbye [3.01]

[Dirk, the shy bailiff arrives]

Bull: What is it, Dirk?

Dirk: Prisoner's manifest. Oh, I took Grayson down to Women's detention.

Bull: WOMEN'S detention?

Harry: Dirk, Grayson's a man.

Dirk: No. There was a dress.

Bull: It was a man wearing a dress.

Harry: Didn't you notice the mustache, and three day's growth?

Dirk: Well, I thought she was rather...severe looking.

Bull: Where is he now?

Dirk: Right below us, room 1706.

Harry: 1706? Isn't that where they do the...

Woman: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Bull: Strip search.

The Hostage [3.02]

Mr Slotkin: Where I come from, we don't have any courts or jails. Or police, or even any laws!

Bull: Jersey. Been there.

[A French man was held hostage by a group of people on the subway]

Dan: The Plaintiff asked for change of a dollar, when these five pulled out these weapons and held him at bay until the transit police arrived.

Old Man: We thought he was crazy! We thought he was insane!

Harry: What did he do?

Old Man: He talked to us.

Christine: Sir, these are not a group of thugs. These are ordinary people, simply frightened about the increased violence on the subways.

Harry: What is that weapon?

Christine: ...Surface-to-Air missile launcher, sir.

Old Man: It wasn't loaded, sir. I was just using it for intimidation!

Harry: People, people! Don't you see that you are just contributing to the problem? You're tearing a hole in the fabric that binds us together as civilized human beings. What I'm trying to say is...

Old Man: We don't get the guns back?

Harry: [giving up] No, you don't get the guns back!

Dad's First Date [3.03]

[Jack Sullivan, the Defense's father, is accused of being with a prostitute]

Christine: Daddy, what happened?

Jack Sullivan: I got caught with a hooker.

Flo: Parents say the darnedest things, don't they?

Mac: The people from that "clothing optional" building are in your office. They're staging a protest.

Dan Fielding: All of them?

Mac: She's in there, too, Dan.

Dan Fielding: [smiles] It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

Mac and Quon Le: No Reservations [3.04]

Grampa Robinson: You're pretty sharp for a...

Quon Le: Minority?

Grampa Robinson: My boy never had a chance, did he?

[She smiles and shakes her head.]

Halloween, Too [3.05]

Dan: [on phone] No, no, I need the costume tonight! Yes, let's say something tasteful, conservative... say, the Roman Emperor Caligula... $200?! For some sandals and a sheet?! All right, all right, let's lay the cards on the table. What can I get for $19.95?

[pause]

Dan: [to Flo] What's a "Smurf"?

Florence: Imagine your cat threw up a furball that talked.

[At the restaurant's costume party after Harry dumped a witch]

Christine: [Dressed as a witch] Sir, I don't want to be nosy...

Harry: [Pulls her fake nose off] You were saying?

Christine: I know she meant a lot to you, but you've got to forget about her.

Harry: You're right, Miss Sullivan, and that costume really helps a lot.

Flo: [Arriving as a biker] Can we make this quick? I have a costume party to go to after this.

Bull: [Dressed as a kangaroo] Anybody want punch?

Harry: Sure Bull, I'll have some.

Bull: How did you know it was me?

Flo: You played Hockey before the mandatory helmet rule, didn't you? [Bull nods]

Dan: [Arriving as Humpty Dumpty] Happy?

Harry: I guess he isn't such a bad egg after all.

Quon Le: [Comes out of the kitchen as a Black Widow] Everybody ready for pumpkin pizza?

Christine: Nice costume Quon Le, but why a spider?

Quon Le: Wasn't there one in that nursery rhyme? "Along came a spider, and sat down beside her, and frightened Miss Muffet away."

Mac: [Coming out dressed like Miss Muffet] The first person to touch my tuffet DIES!

Best of Friends [3.06]

Dan: I don't understand it, Harry. Some things in this world should not be meddled with: Nature, humanity...

Harry: Coca-Cola.

Dan: Exactly.

Mac: Okay, Bull, what do Renée Richards, Christine Jorgensen, and Myra Breckinridge all have in common?

Bull: They're all people... I've never heard of.

Harry: [bangs gavel] Next.

Christine: Okay. Once upon a time, there was a mommy bird and a daddy bird. And one day, the daddy bird decided that he wanted to be a mommy bird. So he flew all the way to Sweden to a special clinic where they change things.

Bull: What things?

Harry: [bangs gavel again] Next.

Bull: [holding a paper doll of a naked man] This is anatomically correct.

Harry: For some of us, maybe.

Bull: Now, what happened to Chip? [Harry snips off the bottom half and staples it back in a higher position] Oh, my God.

Harry: Kinda reminds you of when you found out about the Easter Bunny, huh?

Bull: What about the Easter Bunny?

Dan's Boss [3.07]

Dan Fielding: Look, I am sorry you were born... that way.

Vincent Daniels: That's exactly what my father said. Just before he left.

Harry Stone: Your father left?

Vincent Daniels: I guess it was rough on him. His friends' sons played baseball. His carried the water bucket. His friends' sons played football. His carried the water bucket. To this day, I go crazy every time I go by a drinking fountain!

Dan Fielding: You mean your father walked out on you just because you were... petite?

Vincent Daniels: The night before he left, I heard him tell my mother that it was his fault. He said that I was a punishment from God. But my mother was an intelligent and caring woman. And she finally explained it to me, that it wasn't my inadequacies he couldn't deal with.

[He looks Dan square in the eye]

Vincent Daniels: It was his own.

[silence]

Dan Fielding: [guiltily] Is it true you can hang yourself with your own belt?

Harry Stone: You can do it with your own words.

Dan Fielding: [stands] Vincent, I am truly sorry for everything that I said and did. You may shoot me in the vital organ of your choice.

Vincent Daniels: Apology accepted. I'll get back to you on which organ.

Dan Fielding: You're taking me back?

Vincent Daniels: Yes. Because I think you're being sincere. Also, I've seen your conviction record. You're good.

[Dan looks gratified]

Vincent Daniels: But most of all I'm taking you back because it will give me the opportunity to make your life a LIVING HELL! You think you're a tough customer? Well, move over, Buster! Because I'm the toughest, I'm the meanest, I'm the nastiest little man God ever put on this earth! I'm going to make you run, I'm going to make you jump, I am going to make you slither on the ground like a snake!

Dan Fielding: GOD BLESS YOU!

[Dan hugs him, then leaves]

Vincent Daniels: I don't understand him.

Harry Stone: Neither do I. But together we can have some fun abusing him until we do.

Up On the Roof [3.08]

The Wheels of Justice (1) [3.09]

Dan: [to a newsman on a portable television] I want you dead! If I could get to Albany, I would kill you myself! [throws it out the window] And I hate your blazer!

[He calms down, and turns to Harry.]

Dan: I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me. Uh, Harry, I apologize about your TV.

Christine: [giggling] Let me tell him.

Dan: Tell me what?

Christine: It was Bull's.

Dan: AAH!

[Behind him, Bull rises slowly to his feet.]

Dan: [without turning around] He's getting up... he's coming over here...

[Harry and Christine nod. Dan turns and jumps when he sees Bull looming there.]

Dan: Money or revenge?

Bull: Revenge.

[Dan takes off his watch and places it on the table, then removes his shoe and uses the heel to smash the watch as hard as he can, then holds it up for inspection.]

Bull: Thank yoooooooou.

The Wheels of Justice (2) [3.10]

Walk Away, Renee [3.11]

Bull: Life may be filled with pitfalls and uncertainty, but from adversity comes strength.

(Renee steps into the courtroom wearing the red dress Bull gave her as a break-up gift)

Renee: Your Honor, may I address the court?

Judge Harold T. Stone: Listen, I don't--

Renee (interrupts him, turning to the galley): I...am a hooker.

Bull: Renee, don't.

Renee (continues): You see, I degrade myself for money because...I don't like myself very much.

Bull: Please...

Renee (continues): No, that's, that's not entirely true (voice cracking tearfully): I don't like myself at all. (pauses to keep from crying, gestures to Bull): And this man...made me feel like a princess. And do you know why? (no one answers, her pleas become more desperate and strained from trying not to cry): You know why? Well, I don't know why, either. (finally falls to the floor, sobbing): Can somebody please tell me why?!

Dan's Escort [3.12]

The Night Off [3.13]

Christine: Uh, excuse me sir, about my client...

Judge Drayton: Oh, right. Hang him.

Christine: He stole an Eskimo Pie, sir.

Judge Drayton: There was this girl. 17, beautiful girl, dark complexion, dark hair, and a welt under her eye where her husband had hit her. She was pregnant for the third time, I think. And the DA said they lived in a rat-infested place on the Lower East Side. She said she wanted her husband to stop hitting her. And as soon as I indicated that I'd send him to jail, zip! She changed her testimony, said she was lying! She didn't want her husband to go to jail! He brought home money so the family could eat! All she wanted was for him to stop hitting her! Well, Harry, I can't make him stop! IN 25 YEARS, I'VE NEVER MADE ANYBODY STOP!

Harry: I'm sorry.

Judge Drayton: God's in his heaven... but all's not quite right in the world.

Judge Drayton: Am I sick, Harry?

Harry: Maybe a little. But mostly, I'd say you're real, real tired.

Judge Drayton: [laughing softly] Ho-ho, tired... oh, I could sleep for a million years. If the bed they strap me down to is comfortable, I probably will.

Harry and Leon [3.14]

Harry: Art, Art, Art, dear, dear Art, please don't think I'm trying to pry... [seizes Art by his sterile mask] ...but what the hell are you doing?

Art: I got a work order here to fumigate the entire building. We've got a problem with termites.

Harry: How big a problem?

[Everyone looks up at a loud creaking noise from the ceiling, which collapses, dumping an entire desk onto the courtroom floor, along with its shell-shocked occupant.]

Assistant: [into his phone] I, uh... I'll have to get back to you, Mac.

Mac: [at his desk, into his own phone] I understand.

[Mac introduces Mrs. Lund from Juvenile Services.]

Christine: You work in the building? Funny, I've never seen you.

Mrs. Lund: Well... to be honest, I was told to stay away from this floor. [Bull enters, wearing a full-sized gas mask.] Mind you, I have nothing to base that on.

Mac: Art, hey! We're busy here! You wanna pick this up later?

Art: We're on red alert!

Mac: Really?

Art: [lays a commiserative hand on Mac's shoulder] I only wish we could have saved your desk.

Mac: Oh, my dear Lord! [runs out]

Nancy Hines: Nancy Hines from Records. I have some data for you.

Dan: Thanks. Toss it in there, please.

Nancy: Sorry, I was asked to toss it up here. [She hits Dan in the face with a chocolate cream pie to everyone's amusement] It's from a friend.

Dan: It was... one of you, wasn't it?

Florence: And it was worth every penny! [laughs]

Harry: Flo, that is very nice, but you don't have to cover for me. I called them, Dan!

Christine: Wait a minute, wait a minute. You two don't have to cover for me. I was the one that called them!

Mac: Uh-uh, uh-uh! It was me!

Dan: You want the truth? It was all of you.

Harry: ...It was?

Dan: [laughs] I knew you couldn't resist it. I knew you would want me. I made a deal with the guy out in the hall. I said if he took the money, just for one hit, and gave me the rest, I wouldn't sue him!

Mac: You knew we all called!

Dan: Yes, I knew! You hate me! You all hate me! Everybody hates me! [He leans into Christine, his face still covered with chocolate cream.] For the first time in my life, I'm taking advantage of being me.

Christine: [unable to look at him] You allowed yourself to be humiliated for a few hundred dollars?

Florence: Are you crazy? He'd French-kiss a buffalo for a few hundred dollars.

The Apartment [3.15]

Leon, We Hardly Knew Ye [3.16]

The Mugger [3.17]

[during a hostage standoff in the cafeteria]

Mac: [hangs up the phone] They said they might be able to get a hostage negotiator over here in... [checks watch] Two hours.

Judge Harry T. Stone: [aghast] Two hours?

Mac: They said all their people are tied up right now.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Tied up with what?

Mac: Rope. They're being held hostage by a militant splinter faction of Up with People.

Judge Harry T. Stone: [shakes head] It was only a matter of time.

[while Flo is being held "hostage" in the cafeteria]

Hector Rivera: If you don't shut up, lady, I'm gonna pull this pin...

Flo: Ah, you don't scare me. I was one of the original Angels of Bataan, served in the Philippines. I've seen combat, I've seen bloodshed, I've seen man's inhumanity to man at its best! Where was I?

Hector Rivera: [helplessly] Oh-nine-hundred hours...

Flo: Right... [leans back, remembering] The smell of damp khaki filled the air...

[Hector buries his head.]

Could This Be Magic? [3.18]

Monkey Business [3.19]

Bull: Skip, why'd you do it? You were free. [Skip, an orangutan, pets Bull under his chin] Oh, I understand.

Christine: What did he say?!

Bull: He says he gave himself up for me. He says he weighed the options and decided that my career was more important, considering the steadily increasing competition in the urban job markets in addition to the unpredictable cost-of-living fluctuations in most free-enterprise industrial nations. Of course, I'm paraphrasing.

Flo's Retirement [3.20]

[About Flo's unwillingness to retire.]

Bob Marks: I understand your feelings. It's never easy, delivering a blow like this. I suppose you think I enjoy this sort of thing... [spins around, grinning widely] I DO! I'm sorry, I gotta be honest! I live for this kind of thing! I love it! [laughs]

Harry T. Stone: [sarcastic] Well, that's a relief. I was afraid I wasn't getting through to him.

The Hurricane (1) [3.21]

[after Christine tells Harry that Mel Torme and Barry Manilow did an album together.]

Harry: That is a desperately sick lie!

Christine: That... is the truth.

Harry:: Mac, say it ain't so.

Mac: It's so.

[Harry cries on his shoulder.]

Bull: My mother used to tell me that thunder was just the sound God makes when he gets a strike in bowling.

Florence: That's cute. What happened when you found out?

Bull: When I found out what?

[crash of thunder]

Bull: Gosh, He's good.

Florence: He's got His own ball.

The Hurricane (2) [3.22]

[Dan is assisting a woman in labor.]

Dan: Tommy, get me some surgical gloves.

Officer Tommy: Uh, fr-from where?

Dan Fielding: My briefcase, top pocket. [smiles at Benet Collins] Great, now I can deduct them.

[Benet is trying to deliver her baby].

Dan: Alright, now, we need one more big push.

Benet Collins: [exhausted] I can't!

Dan: You can!

Benet: I can't!

Dan: You can!

Benet: I can't!

Dan: [thinks a moment] Think about... Hugh Hefner.

[Benet growls.]

Officer Tommy: It's coming!

Dan: Sitting there in his silk pajamas, with all these big-breasted, exploited women catering to his every whim...

[Benet growls louder.]

Officer Tommy: I can see a piece of shoulder!

Dan: Hey, wait! Who's that coming through the door? Is that... Oh, look, it is, it's Bobby Riggs!

[Benet screams in rage.]

Officer Tommy: It's out!

Dan: YES!

[Benet collapses in exhaustion and relief.]

[Harry enters the dark courtroom, looking at the crucifix-shaped basketball hoop that Art nailed over the windows.]

Harry: Can we talk? As you probably know, I-I don't subscribe to any particular organized religion. But then maybe neither do you, huh? All right, I confess. I've had more than my share of spiritual doubt. But then I've see some pretty glaring examples of man's inhumanity to man come stomping through here night after night... after night. You remember that guy...? Yeah. You remember everything, don't you? Well, I'm telling you, that one just about shook - shook my faith down to its foundation. And then... you drop a brand-new life right into my hands. Well, if I could just have the answer to a couple of questions. Like, if you've always been here, then where did you come from? And does man have the capacity to rid himself of his own evil? And why is the sky blue? Well, I can look that one up. But this baby stuff, boy... I'm telling you, that is not a cosmic accident. I mean, you gave us Mozart. Van Gogh. Confucius. Dr. Martin Luther King... [pulls a basketball out of his robe] And Larry Bird!

[He tosses the ball - SWISH!]