Murder, She Wrote (season 4)

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Murder, She Wrote (1984–1996) is an American television show, airing on CBS, about mystery writer and amateur detective Jessica Fletcher.

A Fashionable Way to Die [4.1]

Eva Taylor: How was your flight across the Channel?

Jessica: You know, I am such a diplomat. I switched from tea to Perrier halfway across.

Valerie Bechet: [after Jessica exposes her as the murderer] At first, I suspected Maxim had his eye on Eva Taylor. I even encouraged him to hire Kim so that she could keep her eye on him. I long ago surrendered myself to that man, along with my dreams. But how could I give my daughter away?

When Thieves Fall Out [4.2]

Coach Kevin Cauldwell: I fell head over heels for this woman my first day at the school. But for some unfathomable reason, she wouldn't leave her husband. Then I met Frank Fletcher, and I gave up the chase. Best friends a man could hope for.

Jessica: [while saying goodbye to Andrew Durbin] I can't help but think that justice could have been served in a better way.

Andrew Durbin: Well, you give it some thought, Mrs. Fletcher. And when you figure out what could have been, you let me know.

Witness for the Defense [4.3]

Oliver Quayle: What an excellent witness you're going to make. "Mrs. Fletcher, national reputation, no notoriety, Cabot Cove, Maine." The jury is going to love that rustic ... Do you have a hat? An old straw with some violets?

Jessica: I've never owned a hat like that in my life.

Oliver Quayle: Well, never mind. Barnaby will get you one. And an umbrella. Yes, an umbrella will be a nice touch.

Jessica: Mr. Quayle, I'm sorry, but I am not going to play a countrified character for you or for anyone else.

Judith Harlan: [after being exposed as the murderer] Patricia's appointment was not with her hairdresser. It was with me. I went out there to confront her privately with what my investigator had turned up. I offered her a handsome settlement to divorce Jim quietly, without scandal. But Patricia was not only greedy, she was arrogant, and she became very abusive. She, she had the audacity to, to hit me. I grasped for whatever was near me. It was the poker in the fireplace. And I ... I struck her down.

Jessica: So you were the one who disconnected the gas line in the basement?

Judith Harlan: It wasn't difficult. I calculated I had enough time to get back to the city before the fire consumed her.

Jessica: And you couldn't bear to see your mother's brooch destroyed, so you removed it from the body.

Judith Harlan: I hope you realize that I never would have let Jim be convicted for something I had done.

Old Habits Die Hard [4.4]

Jessica: Well, Claire, I hate to remind you, but your thumb is anything but green. Do you remember that little flower patch that we started behind the Kappa Delta house?

Reverend Mother Claire: Do I remember? While you were knee-deep in marigolds, my zinnias just quit before they even started to bud.

Marian Simpson: [after Jessica exposes her as the murderer] You think you've got it all figured out. But you didn't know what it was like coming from nothing, being shoved from one foster home to another till you finally wind up here in this crummy convent.

Jessica: But marrying Albert Simpson changed all that.

Marian Simpson: It made me someone. And I wasn't about to let any stupid mistake that he made fifteen years ago take all that away.

Jessica: So you killed the only person who might have been able to expose your husband's secret.

Marian Simpson: I had to. Albert never would've done it! All he did was drive around all night trying to think things through. I didn't need to think! I knew exactly what to do. I hadn't counted on her having company during meditation hour. But once I knew that she was alone, it all seemed so easy. Everyone knew Sister Emily's been taking Metolital for years. All I had to do was ... I emptied her pills into my pocket. I even remembered to bring along an old piece of Scripture that she'd copied for me years ago to leave as a note. But by then, it was nearly 11:00, and ... So, I disguised myself in this habit. And then I took the photograph, and I left. It was nearly perfect. Until you started to interfere.

Bishop Shea: Try to impress on your dear old friend here the obligation of obedience. She is a troublemaker, you know.

Jessica: Bishop, I'm afraid that is your problem. And a delightful one you're going to have to deal with for a long, long time.

The Way to Dusty Death [4.5]

Lydia Barnett: Mr. Osborne, we've been expecting you. And Miss, uh...

Serena: Serena. Just Serena. Only one name. Like Ann-Margret.

Kate Dutton: [after Jessica exposes her as the murderer] I didn't want to kill him. Really, I didn't. I, I just went to talk to him. What he was doing was so unfair! Tom played by Duncan's rules his whole life.

Jessica: And now his reward was being taken away.

Kate Dutton: Well, God only knows how much longer Duncan could have lasted. Tom would have been too old to be chairman if Duncan stayed on until...

Jessica: Until he died?

Kate Dutton: I begged him to give Tom a chance. And all he did was ask me to adjust the horizontal hold on my way out. I'm not sorry I did it. I'm not sorry at all. He was a horrible man, and he just used people! He hired good men and just used them up.

It Runs in the Family [4.6]

Pru: Ever think about goin' back up on the stage yourself, Em?

Emma McGill: Me? Sing again? Oh, this voice isn't what it used to be. It's got more cracks than an old teapot.

Johnny Constable: Are you here, Humphrey? What happened? Somebody die?

Humphrey Defoe: Happily, John, your uncle is reasonably well today.

Pauline Constable: [after Emma and Inspector Frost expose her as the murderer] You don't know what it's like to have people laughing at you behind your back because you're a baker's daughter, and you won't be anything else. Well, I am something else! I'm the wife of the 19th Viscount Blackraven!

If It's Thursday, It Must Be Beverly [4.7]

Ideal Molloy: Oh, look, Eve! Here's a recipe for low-cal popcorn balls. And they're decorated to look like clocks.

Eve Simpson: How convenient. Next time you throw a cocktail party, your guests can gag and know what time it is.

Ideal: I must say, I feel like I'm going to get lucky today.

Eve: Oh, Ideal, you haven't gotten lucky since your husband left you.

Jessica: You know, I've never been very lucky at gambling. Once Frank and I went to Las Vegas, and I lost at roulette playing on both the black and the red at the same time.

Sheriff Tupper: What is it?

Jessica: Calamari.

Sheriff Tupper: Oh! [Chuckles] What's that? Some kind of fancy chicken?

Jessica: Something just doesn't add up though.

Sheriff Tupper: Oh, now, I've been waitin' for that, Mrs. Fletcher. You're gonna tell me there's no suicide note. But you know as well as I do, they don't always leave notes.

Jessica: I know, but what really bothers me is that women don't usually shoot themselves, Amos. I mean, they're more likely to take pills, which were certainly at Audrey's disposal.

Jessica: Look, it wasn't your fault that by the time we got back, the squid was a little rubbery.

Dr. Hazlitt: A little rubbery? We could have turned them into snow tires.

Jessica: Doesn't it seem a little strange to you that Eve also called in about her cat on Tuesday, last Tuesday and...

Sheriff Tupper: ...the Tuesday before that.

Jessica: You know, Phyllis Grant said something about Eve Simpson suddenly wanting two airline tickets yesterday, instead of one.

Sheriff Tupper: Makes you kinda wonder if it was the cat Jonathan was attending to or the canary.

Dr. Hazlitt: Where's my New Hampshire Weekly? I didn't get it this week.

George Tibbits: Should have come in yesterday.

Dr. Hazlitt: Well, yes, it should have come in yesterday, George, but it didn't.

George: Never got mine either, come to think of it. Maybe they just never got on the truck. Well, no news from New Hampshire that can't wait. [Laughing]

Dr. Hazlitt: It's a wonder anybody from this town ever got their draft notices from World War II.

Sheriff Tupper: Well, Doc, seems your nurse was one of Jonathan's regulars.

Dr. Hazlitt: Beverly?! Why, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in all my life!!

Sheriff Tupper: According to the logbook, if it's Thursday, it must be Beverly.

Steal Me a Story [4.8]

Jessica: This Mr. Stone sounds like a very dishonest person.

Gayle Yamada: He's a television producer.

Sid Sharkey: Sweetheart, listen to me. Forget features. Forget Perlman. You're a TV star making big bucks.

Brenda Blake: I'm warning you. I'll walk.

Sid Sharkey: You do, and you'll be slingin' hash at Dinty Moore's the rest of your life. We've got a contract, you and me, remember? Now it may be a trap, but it's lined with mink, so like they say, lay back and enjoy it.

Frieda Schmidt: You should see what the genius in the corner office has. His last two pictures lost thirty million bucks. His fridge is stuffed with beluga caviar. Us, they send Beer Nuts.

Trouble in Eden [4.9]

Lewis Framm: Doesn't it bother you that Charlotte probably died in this room?

Jessica: No, the only thing that bothers me is unanswered questions.

Indian Giver [4.10]

George Longbow: Donna, look, my people have been bowing and scraping to the white man for centuries, and what did it ever get us? Indignation, humiliation and reservations. Not to mention several dozen diseases imported from Europe.

Donna Crenshaw: I understand where you're coming from, but these people feel threatened. It doesn't take a whole lot of fear to turn a crowd into a mob.

Professor Harold Crenshaw: Donna, I'm sorry. You think we can go inside, sit down, have lunch? We can make it a table for three.

Donna: Come on, George. I think we're about to negotiate a peace treaty.

Doom with a View [4.11]

Jessica: The Montaigne Plaza? Oh, my goodness. That hotel has more stars than the sidewalks in Hollywood.

Mark Havlin: If I let you know all the wonderful things I do around here, you'd have to give me a raise.

Garrett Harper: (Cornelia)'s the consummate workaholic. Rumor has it that she once took out time for dinner in 1965. But it's just a rumor.

Jessica: You know, if I read one more paragraph tonight, this manuscript is gonna start looking like one big typo.

Inspector Donald Matheney: You do have a writer's imagination, Mrs. Fletcher.

Jessica: Thank you.

Inspector Matheney: I didn't quite mean that as a-

Jessica: I know what you meant, Inspector.

Grady: I really appreciate all the trouble you went to, Aunt Jess.

Jessica: Good. Then maybe in gratitude you can tell me why you did something so... so...

Grady: Dumb?

Jessica: Look, Grady, the day that you and I can't have a good old-fashioned argument, I'm gonna start wondering where I went wrong.

Jessica: Good word.

Garrett: Hey, pal, now that Havlin's confessed, how'd you like to be my best man?

Grady: Aw, gee, I'd really like to, but I'm gonna be busy that day.

Garrett: I haven't told you the day.

Grady: I know.

Who Threw the Barbitals in Mrs. Fletcher's Chowder? [4.12]

Dr. Hazlitt: Well, look, perhaps you could take some time off, have a bit of lunch.

Sheriff Tupper: If I could take time off, I'd go to the bathroom.

Winnie Tupper Banner: It's hard to love a person when you don't know what they're gonna do next.

Dr. Hazlitt: His sister? My, my, my! [Chuckle] Well, I had always thought of Amos as one of a kind. Here, let me have a look at you. No, I'm afraid I don't see any family resemblance. And that, my dear, is all to your credit.

Jessica: Seth, look, I feel sorry for Winnie.

Dr. Hazlitt: Winnie?! What about me?!!

Jessica: Look, if she'd come to me, I would've taken her in. But she didn't, Seth, she came to you for help.

Dr. Hazlitt: Because I'm closer! Closer, woman! I'm a victim of geography!

Flo Oakes: Do you mean he died without ever wakin' up?

Dr. Hazlitt: Near the end, he did open his eyes for a brief period.

Kenny Oakes: Did he say anything?

Dr. Hazlitt: Elmo uttered exactly one word.

Sheriff Tupper: Somebody's name?

Dr. Hazlitt: No. It was an obscenity.

Jessica: Mr. Bellamy, did you ever see Elmo take pills?

Ed Bellamy: All the time. Like peanuts. Sometimes he was so high the only way you could see him was on radar.

Dr. Hazlitt: One thing about Amos's in-laws: They explain a lot about Amos.

Harbinger of Death [4.13]

Fay Hewitt: If you finally find this comet...

Leonard Palmer: When, not if.

Fay: ...they'll probably name it for you, posthumously. "Here lies Leonard Palmer, asleep at last."

Dr. Thor Lundquist: I'm a pragmatist, my friend, unlike my colleague Leonard Palmer who scans the night skies trying to discover the undiscoverable. If the government is interested in financing my lifestyle, I'll gladly furnish the government with anything it wishes.

Jessica: Dr. Palmer is on the verge of finding a comet.

Sgt. Kettler: I didn't know one was missing.

Jessica: Perhaps someone moved the telescope after Dr. Palmer left. Perhaps someone else wanted to know what was going on. Perhaps someone wanted to incriminate Dr. Palmer.

Sgt. Kettler: That's an awful lot of perhapses, ma'am.

Curse of the Daanav [4.14]

Richard Hazlitt: What's the point of having money if you don't spend it? Besides, all I want is a measly thou. You can call it an advance on my inheritance.

Carolyn Hazlitt: [Sighs] Carolyn, honey, these advances are becoming an all-out major assault.

Jessica: Seth Hazlitt, you are a monument to mulishness.

Carolyn: Oh, Uncle Seth! Having fun at Daddy's little soiree?

Mark Hazlitt: Don't be absurd, Carolyn. No one has fun. One simply survives from one drink to the next.

Richard: Remember that time when we got bombed on some of Dad's best Irish whiskey and tried to join the marines?

Dr. Hazlitt: The recruiting officer took one look at our faces, said, "All right, boys. Come back when you're sober and when you're at least 17."

Dr. Hazlitt: And here we sit. Two of the biggest fools that ever drew breath. What do you say we stop wasting it?

Richard: To us.

Dr. Hazlitt: You said it, Brother.

Lt. Steven Ames: Mrs. Fletcher, just between the two of us, which one are you with?

Jessica: I beg your pardon?

Lt. Ames: Well, I first suspected after our talk in the garage, but that bit about Muslims and Hindus? Dead giveaway. So which is it? FBI, CIA, NSC?

Jessica: Lieutenant Ames, I don't know who or what you think I am, but I assure you, I'm simply a mystery writer from Cabot Cove, Maine.

Lt. Ames: Cabot Cove. Nice touch.

Mark: Lawyers. Can't live with them, can't die without them.

Lt. Ames: I'd advise you not to plan any sudden vacations, Mr. Singh.

Vikram Singh: Only a man with something to hide runs away.

Mourning Among the Wisterias [4.15]

Eugene McClenden: If they want happy endings, let 'em go to the movies. It's art, Jessica. It has to end badly.

Crystal Wendle: Oh, Uncle Eugene, you know what the doctor said.

Eugene: That man's a sadist. He only knows about needles, scalpels and disgusting intrusions into the body.

Arnold Goldman: Eugene, it sure is nice to be working with you again. You trimmed down since the last time I saw you.

Ola Mae: He doesn't eat enough to keep a bird alive.

Eugene: Wages of sin, Arnold. And the price of great art.

Eugene: You know the life I've lived. Could be my liver's pickled, kidney's turned to stone, malignant cells multiplying feverishly in my stomach...

Jessica: But surely there must be something that can be done.

Eugene: Exploratory surgery? You keep the old vegetable alive for another six months just to watch him twitch? No. John Barleycorn will see me across the River Styx.

Crystal: Jessica, I think I owe you an explanation about last night.

Jessica: Only if it'll make you feel better.

Crystal: It's very important that Todd be a success in his new position in Jonathan's firm, and apparently, Jonathan misunderstood my interest in advancing Todd's career.

Jessica: Jonathan tried to exchange one advance for another?

Arnold: Trust? That's rarely the basis of a sound business arrangement.

Murder Through the Looking Glass [4.16]

Sgt. Cooper: So, Mrs. Fletcher, sorry. Seems like you were right. Mr. Cosgrove has turned up on a cold slab in the morgue.

Jessica: He's also in a warm bed in Farmington. I met him right after he'd been shot in the head and the heart and dumped into the Connecticut River and he seemed to have taken it very well.

Father Patrick Francis: I'm being perfectly honest with you. And since you penetrated my cover, you're going to have to trust me.

Jessica: Why?

Father Francis: Well, now, that's a good question. How about because I work for the government?

Jessica: Do you trust everyone who works for the government?

Father Francis: Okay, when this is over, you remind me and whatever you don't like, I'll just pluck out of the file and it will be as if it never happened. Jessica, I want you to find out what's going on in that safe house, and I want you to share it with me.

Jessica: In other words, you want me to spy on others so that you can fill their files? My answer to that is, no, thank you.

A Very Good Year for Murder [4.17]

Jessica: Seventy-five is a milestone. It's not the end of the road.

Ben Skyler: But my real ambition is to write a novel. Are there any tips you could give me?

Jessica: Oh, read, read and read some more.

Police Chief Thaddeus Kyle: So, Mrs. Fletcher, are you enjoying the party?

Jessica: Oh, yes, although I shudder at the thought of all these calories. But they smell so wonderful.

Jessica: Stella told me that Salvatore has been under great pressure from an eastern conglomerate to sell. Kansatronics, something like that.

Chief Kyle: Well, now you're telling me that a Fortune 500 is hiring mob muscle to negotiate their contracts?

Jessica: Maybe this company isn't even in the Fortune 5,000.

Salvatore Gambini: Everybody dies. It's what you do before you die that's important.

Benedict Arnold Slipped Here [4.18]

Jessica: Poor Tillie. She was forgotten before she was gone.

Dr. Hazlitt: I've seen larger crowds at the drive-in theater waiting in line for mosquito spray.

Wilton Tibbles: Benny, whatever it is, I'm not interested.

Benny Tibbles: Well, you should be interested, little brother, because I am perfectly willing to cut you in on something very big.

Wilton: Ah. How big? About the size of a white elephant?

Jessica: How does it look?

Eve Simpson: Ah, where to start? The building is ancient and dilapidated, the plumbing needs to be ripped out and replaced, the wiring is a joke, the roof is shot, the building has dry rot and will never pass a termite inspection, the septic tank is inadequate, the trees are dying, the fence is falling down, the backyard is a dump.

Eve: The word is the new owner's in town.

Jessica: I can see that the beauty parlor for communication system is working in good order.

Benny: I wouldn't let you handle this stuff if you were the last antique dealer in the world.

Wilton: There's more than one way to skin a cat.

Benny: You know, I've heard that all my life, and I still don't know what it means.

Wilton: Be careful. You might find out.

Eve: Mr. Andrews is thinking of buying this house.

Alastair Andrews: If so, I shall have the house dismantled and shipped back to England.

Sheriff Tupper: England? What for?

Alastair: To have it reassembled, as a shrine to Benedict Arnold.

Sheriff Tupper: A shrine?!

Jessica: Uh, Amos, uh, don't you think you should get the tape out of your car to seal off the den?

Sheriff Tupper: Next thing you know we'll be celebratin' Mussolini's birthday.

Jessica: I stopped by the lawyer's office. He said that you haven't furnished him with any identification.

Liza Adams: Well, like, I burned my birth certificate and my passport in 1970 when I declared myself a citizen of the universe.

Jessica: Do you have a driver's license?

Liza: I burned that in 1972. It was an anti-pollution rally.

Jessica: Any credit cards?

Liza: Ha! You gotta be kidding. Oh, so I got no I.D. Does that make me a non-person?

Jessica: No, it doesn't. But it may make it difficult for you to establish a legal claim to your legacy.

Eve: I would get down on my knees and beg, but this is my last good pair of panty hose!

Jessica: Mr. Andrews is in the den, getting the feel of 1780.

Sheriff Tupper: Doesn't he know his side lost the war?

Just Another Fish Story [4.19]

Harry Finlay: The more you abuse the nouveau riche, the better they tip.

Harry: Mimi, I want you to meet a real writer. This is Jessica Fletcher, mystery novelist. Mimi Harcourt, gossip.

Mimi Harcourt: Not gossip, Harry. Trends.

Jessica: You're a columnist? Oh, I've always thought that must be the hardest job.

Mimi: Well, I'm afraid I haven't read you either, Jennifer. But, of course, my readers aren't into fiction, they're more into making their own scene.

Grady: (Asking Jessica her impression of his fiancée) She's, uh- She's pretty okay, isn't she?

Jessica: Mm-hmm. Donna gives new meaning to "Okay", believe me.

Mimi: The food biz is all theater. Part of the excitement is watching the changing cast of characters.

Lt. Ralph Rupp: You and your brother live together, ma'am?

Alice Brooke: This is New York. We own a restaurant, Lieutenant, not Rockefeller Center.

Lt. Rupp: My youngest wants to leave the house and go out on her own. I told her I got other plans for my pension.

Mimi: Look, this gig is about as permanent as origami tofu. They have gone through six journalists here in the last two years.

Jessica: Donna, people who love each other want to help each other.

Grady: I already met your father, and he fired me.

Donna: Oh, that's okay. I mean, he fires everybody. He probably won't even remember it.

Grady: Really? You think?

Donna: Oh, he fired me once too.

Showdown in Saskatchewan [4.20]

Jessica: Well, if (Marty)'s as good with horses as he is with visiting aunts from Maine, I'd say that (his rival) Mr. Talbot was in for a lot of trouble.

Wally Bryce: Guess we all knew that smokin' would get Doc someday, huh? Never figured it like that.

Jill Morton: I called you first thing at the motel.

Jessica:What time was that?

Jill: 8.30.

Jessica: First thing is around 7.00 for me.

Luke Purdue: You're sayin' somebody tried to kill me? That's crazy!

RCMP Inspector Roger McCabe: A man without enemies? You're a rare species, Mr. Purdue.

Jessica: Tenacity is an admirable virtue.

Carla Talbot: Until it turns into thick-headed stubbornness.

Jessica: Now, if you have any doubts about your future with Marty Reed, I suggest that you talk to him about it. Don't be afraid to ask him the hard question. If he doesn't give you the good answer, well, that's your answer. Remember one thing: You're the one who's gonna make up your mind about all this. Not me. Not your mother. But you.

Inspector McCabe: (When uncovering a clue) Strange.

Jessica: No, not strange at all.

Jill: It's Mom. She's gonna kill me when I get home.

Jessica: Well, if she does, it will be from asphyxiation due to excessive hugging.

Deadpan [4.21]

Jessica: Isn't it true that the only thing you can predict about the theater is that it is unpredictable?

Eliot Easterbrook: Bravo, Mrs. Fletcher. You must have stayed up all night thinking that one up.

Jessica: No, actually. Molière did it for me about two hundred years ago.

Barney Mapost: [after Easterbrook arrives late] Finally I get it! He likes being late!

Shayna Grant: He's only comfortable in the dark. Like all creatures who prey off the living.

Eliot Easterbrook: [after Jessica exposes him as the murderer] Even the finest works of art have their flaws. Congratulations, Mrs. Fletcher. The only thing missing is a motive.

Jessica: Yes, I wondered about that.

Eliot Easterbrook: Imagine a young and impressionable writer who has his first play produced off-off-off Broadway. It's not perfect, but he has talent, and it's a start. And imagine a critic from a second-rate newspaper trying to make a name for himself. His review of the play is devastating. So devastating the young playwright never writes another play. No, instead, he becomes a critic himself and vows to best his destroyer at his own game. But it's not enough. It's not enough to eradicate the pain. Only one thing can do that.

The Body Politic [4.22]

Kathleen Lane: Mr. Hall, I don't want to talk about rumors. It demeans both our professions.

Edmund Hall: But five years ago, when you were mayor of your home town, stories persisted that you had an affair with a married man.

Kathleen Lane: Forgive me, Mr. Hall. What should be put to bed in this campaign is gossip, not me.

Jessica: Have you considered that somebody else may have killed Mr. Johnson and framed Mrs. Lane for the express purpose of destroying her candidacy?

Lt. Gowans: It's crossed my mind.

Jessica: Next time it starts crossing, Lieutenant, please stop it halfway and give it some attention.

Jackson Lane: [after Jessica exposes him as the murderer] Bud found out that I, I wasn't in the Bahamas that weekend. Once the photographs made the news, he'd start to put it together. And then the solution came to me. Bud's suicide, it would finally put an end to Kathleen's campaign. I got ... I got Kathleen out and I slipped into her suite. I phoned Bud's room and I told him Kathleen was back and wanted to see him. I was, I was cornered. I, I had to do something. I brought the hammer from home.

Jessica: So you removed his clothes, dressed him in Kathleen's robe. And then you threw him off the balcony.

Jackson Lane: Jessica, the people that I dealt with in those days (well, the people I deal with now), I didn't get where I am by being a choirboy, and they were getting awfully nervous about those rumors. It wasn't jail. I was looking ... I was looking at much worse, and I couldn't think of what else to do.