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Jackass Number Two

2006 film by Jeff Tremaine

Jackass Number Two is a 2006 American comedy film. It is the sequel to Jackass: The Movie (2002), both based upon the MTV series Jackass. Like its predecessor and the original TV show, the film is a compilation of stunts, pranks and skits with essentially no plot. It was followed by 2010 sequel Jackass 3D.

Directed by Jeff Tremaine and co-written with Johnny Knoxville and Bam Margera.
When is the last time a movie made you beg for mercy?(taglines)

WARNING: The stunts in this movie were performed by professionals. So neither you nor your dumb buddies should attempt anything from this movie.

Johnny Knoxville

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  • Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, welcome to Jackass!
  • Rectal bleeding... another first for Jackass.
  • If your asshole can't see the camera, the camera can't see you asshole.
  • It's gonna hurt a lot, but it's just loud.
  • [After getting shot by riot explosive] Is this okay? [Points to face] Then we're good.
  • Okay, who brought crabs to the party? [Laughs] One of the guys had crabs!
  • [After taking a fall] My head stopped my body from getting really hurt on that.
  • [Preparing Steve-O for the butt chug] I'm staring right down Main Street and it's not looking any good at all.
  • This is REALLY gonna suck!
  • [After Steve-O does the butt chug] He's peeing like a girl!
  • [While gagging after Pontius drinking horse semen] I never puke ever, and I really almost puked then.
  • [Just before the second attempt at "big red rocket"] Even if the rocket doesn't blow up on me this time, there's really not a lot of great ways for it to end, anyway.

Bam Margera

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  • Please God, don't let there be a "Jackass 3". I don't even like 2!
  • [Regarding the Riot Control Test] If Knoxville goes in there... I'll french-kiss him.
  • [After getting shot by riot explosive] I'm crying. I'm a fucking skateboarder, I don't get shot!
  • [After the Yak Charge] That couldn't have gone any better. I didn't know Knoxville could do back flips.
  • [Doing the gluteus cattle-branding skit] Here we are at some random-ass ranch and this is the Brand. And it's gonna suck!
  • Can somebody make a dick run?
  • We're here at April and Phil's house and I'm gonna present them the branded dick on my butt. No let me rephrase that, DICKS!
  • [Johnny Knoxville is about to be launched in the air] I'm scared just watching him, I want a Lance helmet!
  • It's time to play a game with a bunch of these medicine balls, and they're heavy as shit!
  • [Before plunging Steve-O] You better shit piss, asswipe!
  • You fuckers are asses! I don't trust anybody!
  • Knoxville is gonna see what the moon looks like!

Chris Pontius

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  • [After completing Medicine Ball Dodgeball] That was fun. Let's never do that again.
  • I can't believe I'm fishing for sharks with Steve-O as my bait! It's like a dream come true!
  • [After sticking a fish hook through Steve-O's mouth] Oh, man. That hurt to do that to you.
  • [While fishing for sharks, using Steve-O as bait] Dude, isn't this movie supposed to be a comedy?
  • I'm so glad I'm not the star of this movie.
  • [After drinking the horse semen] I'm ashamed of myself. I really am. I'm completely ashamed of myself.
  • Water-based lubricants, friend or foe? You be the judge.
  • [After Wee Man and Preston go bungee jumping off the bridge] That was intense, really intense. Well, not really intense, but pretty intense.
  • Hey Ehren, maybe after this movie you'll finally lose your virginity.
  • [After getting fired out of a street sewer in a devil costume in DTLA] Keep God outta California! Whoo! Tell Charlie Daniels to write a song about this! God is out! He can have the other 48... or 49... whatever...
  • [After Matt Hoffman attempts to launch over a ditch, imagined as the "English Channel" on his bicycle] He didn't even make it to Germany!
  • Get ready to be happy ladies and gentlemen, Johnny Knoxville is gonna jump the entire lake! He's amazing.

Steve-O

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  • It's times like these when you know - Johnny Knoxville is one gnarly dude.
  • [Chuckles after extracting horse semen] You just pleasured a horse.
  • Dude, Wee Man, I would never use a card throwing machine on you!
  • I just had a leech chomp my eyeball. YES!
  • [After completing the butt chug] Alright, let's go to the bar!
  • All right cast me out, goddammit!
  • I'm Steve-O, and sorry Dad, but no one's gonna miss this for the world. This is the Butt Chug.
  • [About to be buried up to his neck in a pile of manure] I'm Steve-O and this is some shit. [Screams] I'm Steve-O and this is some shit!
  • [To Dave England who has an upset stomach] Last time you shit in a damn van and now you get to shit in a limo!

Ryan Dunn

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  • Ow, my hip! I think I just gave birth!
  • Son of a–fuck you!
  • [After Johnny Knoxville falls head first off the penny farthing bicycle] You didn't land it.
  • [After the riot control test] Son of a fuck you!
  • [Riding a BMX bicycle] Why would anybody ride this shit? What's the reasoning? Why can't they just make two of the same size wheel?
  • So here I am, trying to contribute to Ehren McGhehey's new beard. I hope he knows that I skipped showering for about a week and a half to make this a little more gross. [Shaves his pubic hair]
  • [Pulling Ehren out of the tire] Jesus Christ, you got a fat fucking ass!

Dave England

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  • ['While chewing on horse feces] It's so dry!
  • Ow...! Ah...! My ass hurts so fucking bad!

Ehren McGhehey

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Wee Man

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  • What? I can't hear... kinda.
  • There's a machine in here! Where's the fucking card throwing machine?
  • [Getting shocked by an electric stool] Ah! Argh...! [Jumps of off the stool] No, [repeatedly] I don't fucking like that dude...! That fucking hurts, dude!

Manny Puig

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  • Bam just took a golden dildo up his ass at high speed. That's what happened.

Jordan "Juicy J" Houston

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  • [Holds up two dollar bills, referring to Dave England] I'm gonna pay this motherfucker right here... two hundred smackaroos... it's not counterfeit, it's real... to eat horse shit!
  • [To Dave England] Swallow, swallow it nigga!

Phil Margera

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  • [After seeing Bam's gluteus brand] He should have made it bigger and more realistic, that puny thing's embarrassing!

Crew Member

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  • [Lance is laughing hysterically] I think we broke Lance!

Jay Chandrasekhar

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  • I do not recommend putting leeches on testicles.
  • C'mon!

Dialogue

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[Knoxville tries to get Dunn to do the Riot Control Test]
Johnny Knoxville: You just have to stand there.
Ryan Dunn: Yeah, and get killed!
Johnny Knoxville: It's just gonna be loud. It's going to hurt a lot, but it's just loud.
Ryan Dunn: You're nuts!
[Bam has just been cattle branded with a penis-shaped branding iron]
Bam Margera: You gave me a hologram dick! There's three solid dicks, there's one half-assed one right here, and then you gave me a set of balls.
Johnny Knoxville: But a sweet set of balls!
Bam Margera: Rad... I'd rather rip my dick off and throw it in the river than to do that again. Goddamn!
April Margera: [After seeing the brand on Bam's ass] You're going to have that for life!
Bam Margera: No shit!
April Margera: Why would you burn him in the first place, Dunn?
Ryan Dunn: 'Cause it was funny...
Bam Margera: Ape, I got a muffed-up ass butt!
April Margera: I know, and you had the cutest butt ever and now you ruined it!
Bam Margera: No, Dick Farm Dunn ruined it.
Johnny Knoxville: [While Bam is in a livestock trailor with a cobra snake] You crying?
Bam Margera: Yeah.
Bam Margera: So the guys think they're coming here for a photo shoot, but little do they know we've got a shitload of bees we're gonna put through the sunroof and we've rigged the locks so they can't get out.
Johnny Knoxville: And when they do get out, we got some marbles waiting for them.
Bam Margera: This is the Beehive Limo.
Manny Puig: The anaconda is the largest snake in the world. It feeds on large animals and can kill grown men within minutes. Wee-Man, probably in seconds.
Johnny Knoxville: Why would you say that right before we film?
Ryan Dunn: This isn't the best idea ever.
Bam Margera: Yes, it is.
Johnny Knoxville/Irving Zisman: [At a take-out vendor truck with Knoxville maked up as senior citizen prosthesis as Irving Zisman, with Slater Davis as "his grandson" smoking a cigarette] Hey, can we get us some fries, please? Some time today. There you go. Take a sip. That'll put lead in your pencil, kid.
Slater Davis: You got a light?
Johnny Knoxville/Irving Zisman: Shit.
Man: Hey, little guy, is that a real cigarette?
Johnny Knoxville/Irving Zisman: Piss off, man.
Man: Is it?
Slater Davis: He said, "Piss off!"
Johnny Knoxville/Irving Zisman: Jesus.
Slater Davis: Here, Gramps.
Johnny Knoxville/Irving Zisman: Thank you. Don't hog it all, you little prick. Give me that.
Man: This is LA.
Johnny Knoxville/Irving Zisman: What?
Man: This is LA.
Johnny Knoxville/Irving Zisman: Yeah? Don't do what?
Man: We don't drink out in public.
Johnny Knoxville/Irving Zisman: You don't drink out in public?
Man: No.
Johnny Knoxville/Irving Zisman: Well, maybe you should start, bub.
Man: Yeah. Where are you guys from?
Johnny Knoxville/Irving Zisman: We're from your face.
Man: Yeah?
Johnny Knoxville/Irving Zisman: Mind your own business, asshole.
Man: What?
Johnny Knoxville/Irving Zisman: I said, "Mind your own business, asshole."
Man: Okay, you'd better be quiet, buddy.
Johnny Knoxville/Irving Zisman: What are you gonna do?
Man: You wanna step outside?
Johnny Knoxville/Irving Zisman: We're already outside, numb-nuts. He asked me if I wanted to step outside.
Man: You are from LA, ain't you, boy?
Johnny Knoxville/Irving Zisman: Do you want to go around the block? Yeah, we'll go around the block. We'll go around the block and see your mother. This is bullshit. We're surrounded by cocksuckers. All right, kid. It's time for Grandpa's massage. You get massages with happy endings? That's right. Say goodbye to the hippies. [They start walking away]
Slater Davis: Bye, hippies.
Johnny Knoxville/Irving Zisman: Don't get beat up out here.
Man: "Beat up out here"? [He follows them]
Johnny Knoxville/Irving Zisman: I don't have to worry about that in LA. Not with you skinny sons of bitches.
Man: Okay, Old Man River. Watch your mouth.
Johnny Knoxville/Irving Zisman: I hear a lot of talking. You're letting that bulldog mouth overload that puppy-dog ass. Look at him. Look how tough he is. You allow your nine-year-old son to drink? It's my grandson. I don't give a fuck.
Man: Wow, now you swear in front of him? What kind of role model are you?
Johnny Knoxville/Irving Zisman: "What kind of role model are you"?!
Man: Get the fuck out of here and go back to Mississippi.
Johnny Knoxville/Irving Zisman: [Draws an imaginary line on sidewalk with foot] Step over this line. Just step over that line. [Man steps over line] Oh! You stepped over the line!
Man: I didn't step over a line.
Johnny Knoxville/Irving Zisman: You stepped over the line. [Continues walking away with Slater] That long hair don't cover that red neck, boy.
Slater Davis: Piss off!
Johnny Knoxville/Irving Zisman: Let's go. Go crawl back in your mama's ass!
Johnny Knoxville: You alright?
Chris Pontius: Yeah, hold on.
Johnny Knoxville: What do you mean "hold on"? The bull's not gonna hold on!
Chris Pontius: Ah, my fucking leg. Goddamn, these bulls are strong!
Johnny Knoxville: I'm Johnny Knoxville, and I'm going to the moon!
Crew Member: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!
Bam Margera: Later! [Presses the launch button, causing Johnny Knoxville and the rocket to blast off and fall into the lake]
Dave England: [After going downhill in the Big Tire Race] Oh I hate that, I hate it so bad! Fuckin' sucky!
Ryan Dunn: Why do you hate it?
Dave England: I'm bouncing in my fuckin' head!
Dave England: [Gets knocked out by a large airbag] Ah... fuckin' shit... what was that shit? It's fuckin' in my eyes...
Johnny Knoxville: Oh! Oooo!
Dave England: Uh... what the fuck was that?
Johnny Knoxville: Oh my...
Dave England: I fuckin' don't understand... what the fuck did you do to me? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!
Johnny Knoxville: Uh... are you...
Dave England: You're fuckin' me up man!
Johnny Knoxville: Let's go inside man!
Dave England: Oh... FUCK DUDE... I... that was fuckin' CRAZY!
Manny Puig: The anaconda is the largest snake in the world. It feeds on large animals and can kill grown men within minutes. Wee-Man, probably in seconds.
Johnny Knoxville: Why would you say that right before we film?
Dimitry Elyashkevich: [Terrible Middle East accent] Father, hello, Father.
Ehren McGhehey: [Outraged] You shut up, I told you to come here earlier!
Dimitry Elyashkevich: I am sorry, Father.
Ehren McGhehey: [Terrible Middle East accent] You are late, you cannot be accepted.
Dimitry Elyashkevich: I have disgraced you.
Ehren McGhehey: Where have you been, you little bastard?
Dimitry Elyashkevich: [Apologetically] I have been making a number two.
Ehren McGhehey: Oh.
Wee Man: What are thinking about, Preston?
Preston Lacy: I wish all of that water was gravy and all those cars were giant biscuits.
Wee Man: [Laughing] Are you hungry?
Preston Lacy: I was just saying...
Wee Man: Oh, all right!
Johnny Knoxville: [At a clinic that specializes in leech therapy on eyes] Doc, can you help us?
Jay Chandrasekhar: Uh, yeah, why not?
Johnny Knoxville: This is the Toro Totter. It's me and Pontius vs. Dunn and Bam - and the last guy on the Totter is the winner.
Chris Pontius: It's gonna be a blood bath.

Cast

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Taglines

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  • Guess who just made number two?
  • The Number One Movie in America is Number Two!
  • In 2002, people were appalled by what they saw. Well, guess what, we just made number two.
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