(Angrily) Blast this Christmas music! It's joyful AND triumphant.
One man's toxic sludge is another man's potpourri.
I am the Grinch that stole Christmas... and I'm sorry.
Oh, no. The sleigh. The presents, they'll be destroyed. And I care! What is the deal?! Wait!
(Frustrated) Ugh. Bleeding hearts of the world UNITE!
[After Martha say that her gifts are dazzling and The Grinch angrily ruined her new car] Of course they are. That's what it's all about, isn't it? That's what it's always been about! Gifts... gifts. Gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts! Do you know what happens to your gifts? They all come to me... in your garbage. You see what I'm saying? In your GARBAGE! I could hang myself with all the bad Christmas neckties I found at the dump! And the avarice... THE AVARICE NEVER ENDS! "I want golf clubs! I want diamonds! I want a pony so I can ride it twice, get bored, and sell it to make GLUE!" Look, I don't wanna make waves, but this whole Christmas season is... stupid! Stupid, stupid! (looks up to and advances towards Martha May Whovier) There is, however, 1... teeny-tiny Christmas tradition I find quite meaningful. (snatches up a sprig of mistletoe) Mistletoe. Now, pucker up and kiss it, Whoville! Boi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-inggggg! (Angrily puts a bit of mistletoe over his backside, and then waggles it)
[smashes a glass bottle and stuffs it into his mouth] Am I just eating because I am bored?
[singing] Tiiick tock, tiiiick tock. Counting down the Christmas clock. Old, young, big, small-- [Realizes he's singing] AAAAAAHHH!!!
And then all the noise. All the noise, noise, noise, NOISE! They'll bang on tong-tinglers, blow their foo-flounders, they'll crash on jang-jinglers, and bounce on boing-bounders!
Narrator: Then Who's young and old will sit down to a feast, and they'll feast and they'll feast.
(Grinch while jumping angrily) And they'll feast, feast, feast, feast! They'll eat their Who pudding and rare Who roast beast! It is something I cannot stand in the least. (realizing what he's said) Oh, noǃ I'M SPEAKING IN RHYYYYYYMES! AAHHHH! BLAST YOU WHOS!
[The Grinch is causing chaos all over Whoville. He tries to signal a cab.] Taxi! [The taxi drives right by him] It's because I'm green, isn't it?!
Cindy Lou. WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP THERE?!
[After the Grinch starts up his sleigh outside his cave] THIS IS NUTS!! (Max barks) ON CRASHER, ON THRASHER, ON VOMIT AND BLITZKRIEG!!
[On the sleigh he made; freaking out]WE'RE GONNA DIE, WE'RE GONNA DIE!! I'M GONNA THROW UP, AND THEN I'M GONNA DIE!! MOMMY, TELL IT TO STOP!!!
Grinch: [after Max scared off some teen Whos] Well done, Max! Serves them right, those yuletide-loving... sickly-sweet, nog-sucking cheer mongers! I really don't like 'em. Mm-mm. No, I don't. Max! Get my cloak. [Max runs back inside] I've been much too tolerant of these Who-venile delinquents... and their innocent, victimless pranks. So, they wanna get to know me, do they? They want to spend a little quality time with the Grinch. [turns to the camera] I guess I could use a little... social interaction. [shows off a sinister-looking smile]
Cindy Lou Who: You're the-the-the...
Grinch: [mockingly] "The-the-the..." THE GRINCH!
Cindy Lou Who: Aah! (falls down a mail shaft) Help!
Grinch: Well... that worked out nicely.
Cindy Lou: Thanks for saving me.
Grinch: (screeches to a stop, fingers scrape against glass, turns around angrily) Saving you? Is that what you think I was doing?
Cindy Lou: [nods] Uh-huh.
Grinch: Wrong-o. (grabs wrapping paper) I merely noticed that you were improperly packaged, my dear! (begins wrapping Cindy Lou wildly in wrapping paper) DRAT! Hold still! (stops wrapping) Max, pick out a bow! (Max barks, Grinch resumes wrapping Cindy Lou in wrapping paper, stops) Can I use your finger for a second?
Grinch: [to Max, shaking hand quickly] Get the stick, Max. Get the stick. [throws his hand towards Max's direction; Max barks and runs in that direction, while the Grinch laughs to himself) There's no stick! I'm smarter. [takes a running leap onto his bed] Any calls? [turns his answering machine on]
Answering Machine: You have no messages.
Grinch: Odd. Better check the outgoing. [presses another button]
Grinch on answering machine: If you utter so much as one syllable, I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN AND GUT YOU LIKE A FISH! If you like to fax me, press the star key. (answering machine beeps)
Grinch: Hmm. Hmm. [turns his machine off] Oh, well.
Grinch: (the Grinch is trying to drown out the Whos' singing; he turns on a mechanical monkey that plays cymbals) Play, monkey! Play! Play, play, play, playǃ (rides a jackhammer while vocalizing; he soon wipes out) OWWIEE!!
Cindy Lou: (knocks the door) Mr. Grinch! Mr. Grinch? Hello? (she comes into the Grinch's cave; she finds him standing with his head in the path of the monkey's cymbals, yelling gibberish each time they hit his head) (taps his shoulder) Excuse me?
Grinch: Hmm? (sticks his head out and grabs the monkey's cymbals; the monkey short-circuits and it powers down; the Grinch turns slowly to Cindy with a furious look) Hello... little girl. (Angrily) How dare you enter the Grinch's Lair?! The impudence! The audacity! The unmitigated gall! You've called down the thunder. Now, get ready FOR THE BOOOOOOM!(echoes) Gaze into the face of fear. BOOGA-BOOGA!
Cindy Lou: (calmly) Mr. Grinch, my name is Cindy Lou Who.
Grinch: You see? Even now the terror is welling up inside you.
Cindy Lou: I'm not scared.
Grinch: Denial is to be expected in the face of pure evil. (makes psychotic growling noises)
Cindy Lou: I don't think so!
Grinch: Doubt?! Another unmistakable sign... (jumping around wildly) ...Of the heebie-jeebies! Now, you're DOOMED! (jumps out of frame, then jumps back in wearing a white t-shirt and making animistic noises, ripping the shirt apart) Run for your life before I... kill again! (howls) I'm a psycho! (growls, puts shirt in his mouth, spits it out, jumps around Cindy Lou frantically) Danger, danger! (suddenly stops as he is out of breath)
Cindy Lou: Um, maybe you need a time-out. (Grinch looks dumbfound; giggles)
Grinch: [aside] Kids today. So desensitized by movies and television. (to Cindy Lou Who)WHAT DO YA WANT!?!(echoes)
Narrator: So, whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes, he stood outside his cave, hating the Whos.
Grinch: (brings out Whoville phone book) Alphabetically. (raises finger, hits against name in book) Aadvarkian Abakenezer-Who, I... (yells) HATE YOOOOOOOOOOU...!! (stops) Aarabee Benson Who, I hate you. (pointing at various names) Hate, hate, hate. Hate, hate, hate. Double hate. (pause, widens eyes, says sinisterly) LOATHE ENTIRELY!
Cindy Lou: Santa, what's Christmas really about?
Grinch: [pops out of the Christmas tree) Vengeance! Uh, I mean... presents, I suppose.
Narrator: The Whos, young and old, would sit down to a feast, and they'd feast, and they'd feast.
Grinch: And they'll feast, feast, feast, feast! They'll eat their Who-Pudding and rare Who-Roast Beast! But there's something I just cannot stand in least. Oh, no. (bawling) I'M SPEAKING IN RHY-Y-Y-Y-YME! AAH! BLAST YOU WHOS! (bawls lying in snow)
Narrator: And the more the Grinch thought of this Christmas bring, The more the Grinch thought.
Grinch: (rises from snow) I must stop this whole thing! (stands up) Why, for year after year, I've been put up with it now. (marches to door) I must stop Christmas from coming! But how? (gasps) I mean, in what way. (gags, disgusted)
Grinch: I tell ya, Max. I don't know why I ever leave this place. I've got all the company I need right here. Hello!
Echo: Hello, hello, hello!
Grinch: How are you?!
Echo: How are you?! How are you, you, you?!
Grinch: I asked you first!
Echo: I asked you first, first, first!
Grinch: [Sarcastically] Oh right, that's really mature, saying exactly what I say!
Echo: ...Really mature, mature, exactly what I say, I say, I say!
Grinch: (thinks for a second) I'm an idiot!
Echo: You're an idiot, idiot, idiot!
Grinch: (whispering) All right, fine! I'm not talking to you anymore. In fact, I'm going to whisper, so that by the time my voice reverberates off the walls and it gets back to me... I won't be able to hear it! (covers his ears)
Echo: (after a brief silence)You're an idiot, idiot, idiot!
Grinch: Nerve of those Whos. Inviting me down there, on such short notice. Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn't allow it! (flips his datebook open) 4:00 - Wallow in self-pity. 4:30 - Stare into the abyss. 5:00 - Solve world hunger; tell no one. 5:30 - Jazzercise. 6:30 - Dinner with me; I can't cancel that again! 7:00 - Wrestle with my self-loathing. I'm booked! Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9:00, I could still be done in time to lay in the bed, stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness, but what would I wear?!
Grinch: (trying to find something to wear) Stupid, ugly, out of date! This is ridiculous! If I can't find something nice to wear, I'm not going! (hears a yodeler and mugs him for his lederhosen) Ooh. Ahh. Hmmm. That's it, I'm not going.
(Cut to a while later)
Grinch: (after standing grumpily with his arms crossed) All right. I'll swing by for a minute, allow them to envy me, grab a handful of popcorn shrimp and blow outta there. (heads for the door, then stops abruptly and returns nervously) But what if it's a cruel prank? What if it's a cash bar?! How dare they! (scowls, then calms down) All right, I'll go, but I will be fashionably late. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes! (groans in frustration) Definitely not. (firmly, heading for the door with his hand behind his back) All right, I've made my decision! I'm going and that's that! (shows his hand) Ah! Had my fingers crossed. (Max pulls a lever, sending the Grinch falling through the rubbish chute towards Whoville) MAYBE I SHOULD FLIP A COIN!
Narrator: The Grinch laughed in his throat.
Narrator: As he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat!
He chuckled and clucked at this great Grinchy trick...
Grinch: With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick!
Ho, ho, ho!
(Max brings the Grinch a spanner)
Grinch: I asked for 3-quarters, not 5-8ths. Stay focused!
(The Grinch dresses Max with reindeer antlers and red nose ball. He claps his hands, makes a gleeful noise and puts on a director's cap.)
Grinch: (to Max) Alright, you're a reindeer, here's your motivation: your name's Rudolph, you're the freak with the red nose and nobody likes you. Then one day Santa picks you and you save Christmas. (Max stares at him blankly.) No, forget that part. We'll improvise, just keep kind of loosy-goosy. You HATE Christmas, you're gonna steal it! Saving Christmas is a lousy ending - way too commercial. (sits down on director's chair and holds up megaphone) ACTION!
(Max knocks off the nose.) (jumping out of seat, ecstatic) BRILLIANT! You reject your own nose, because it represents the glitter of Commercialism! Why didn't I think of it?! Cut, print, check the gate, moving on.