Ivar the Boneless: My brothers and I are leaving on a six-month loot and pillage of England, and we're looking for a ship with a savage countenance.
Chit Chatterson: Well, Boney, you've come to the right place! I've just the thing - one of our big, BIG sellers! On sale today only, we call it the terrifying King of the Jungle! [reveals a ship with a kitten figurehead]
Ivar the Boneless: It's a kitty!
Chit Chatterson: No, it's a ferocious jungle cat! ROARR!
Ivar the Boneless: It's a kitty! I can't invade England with a kitty on the front of my boat!
Chit Chatterson: Are you kidding? This thing will strike terror in their souls! It will send people running!
Ivar the Boneless: Only if they're allergic to kitties. I need something fierce!
Chit Chatterson: He's fierce!
Ivar the Boneless: He's smiling!
Chit Chatterson: No he's not!
Ivar the Boneless: That's one of those inscrutible little kitty smiles!
Chit Chatterson: No, he's thinking!
Ivar the Boneless: [sarcastically] Oh, thinking! Great! "Here come the Vikings, they're going to think us to death! Oh, my brain's filled with thoughts! Run for your lives!"
Chit Chatterson: Now now, Boneless baby, look at those eyes! They say, "I'm angry!" They say, "I'm dangerous!" They say--
Ivar the Boneless: They say, "Meow," he's a happy little kitten!
Chit Chatterson: I happen to know he's not the least bit happy. He's actually rather sad.
Ivar the Boneless: Oh, even better! "Run everyone! Here come the Sad Kitty Vikings! Look out or we'll depress you! Ooooh!"
Chit Chatterson: Okay, you want something fierce?
Ivar the Boneless: Well, that's the concept! Something that'll strike fear and make entire nations surrender and bow to us!
Chit Chatterson: I have just what you're looking for - the dreaded dragon! [reveals a figurehead of a duckling]
Ivar the Boneless: No, that's not a dragon.
Chit Chatterson: Sure it is; a fire-breathing dragon! ROARR!
Ivar the Boneless: No it's not, it's a duckie!
Chit Chatterson: Excuse me! Hello? A duckie? Earth to Boneless! That's a fire-breathing dragon!
Ivar the Boneless: With a beak and feathers?!
Chit Chatterson: Have you ever seen a real dragon?
Ivar the Boneless: No.
Chit Chatterson: They have beaks and feathers!
Ivar the Boneless: Not on my ship, they don't!
Chit Chatterson: We have a new design that just came in! We call it, Leader of the Wolfpack! [reveals a figurehead of a puppy] Whaddaya think?
Ivar the Boneless: I think you're deranged.
Chit Chatterson: Whaat?!
Ivar the Boneless: It's a puppy!
Chit Chatterson: No, it's a wol-uf! Howling at the moon! AH-OOOOOH!
Ivar the Boneless: It's a newborn puppy who's just done a naughty! Look, I don't think you're grasping the concept here. I want to soar over the waves with a ferocious figurehead on my ship!
Chit Chatterson: Soar, yes! How about a hawk, vicious, sweeping down for the kill?
Ivar the Boneless: Now you're talking!
Chit Chatterson: There ya go! [reveals a figurehead of a butterfly]
Ivar the Boneless: Hmm. Doesn't exactly resemble a hawk, does it?
Chit Chatterson: Sure that's a hawk all right, streaking through the sky! HAWWK! HAWWK!
Ivar the Boneless: Don't hawks have sharp talons, you know, CLAWS?
Chit Chatterson: Not always.
Ivar the Boneless: I think they do!
Chit Chatterson: They trim their claws!
Ivar the Boneless: What?!
Chit Chatterson: For special occasions, they trim them!
Ivar the Boneless: No they don't!
Chit Chatterson: Sure, for formal occasions!
Ivar the Boneless: Oh stop! It's not a hawk at all!
Chit Chatterson: Yes it is!
Ivar the Boneless: It's a butterfly!
Chit Chatterson: No!
Ivar the Boneless: Yes, a pretty butterfly, fluttering across the water!
Chit Chatterson: Hmm, hmm... I don't see it.
Ivar the Boneless: There's nothing scary here at all, is there?
Chit Chatterson: Well...
Ivar the Boneless: It's like all your ship's figureheads are being designed by a three-year-old!
Chit Chatterson: Oh, that's just not true!
Ivar the Boneless: No?
Chit Chatterson: No! Actually, I don't think he's over twelve months. [camera pans to reveal Big Fat Baby designing figureheads]
Bill Straitman: Hello, and greetings from the Viking Museum of Weaponry. We're here today with Hakon the Good, king of Norway during the tenth century, and one of the great Viking leaders and warriors.
Hakon the Good: Glad to be here, Bill!
Bill Straitman: Hakon's brought along some weapons to share with us.
Hakon the Good: That's right!
Bill Straitman: Now I understand that great Viking warriors such as yourself like to name their swords.
Hakon the Good: True, Bill!
Bill Straitman: Brave names like Excalibur and so on.
Hakon the Good: Yes!
Bill Straitman: Fierce names; brutal, bloody names.
Hakon the Good: That is correct!
Bill Straitman: Well, tell us, what is this one called?
Hakon the Good: Oh, this one here? This is Bob! Bob the Sword! [pronounces "sword" with a loud "w" sound]
Bill Straitman: Bob?
Hakon the Good: Right! And that's Timmy over there! And right here is Greta! Greta likes Timmy, don't you, Greta? [as Greta] "That's right! I want to marry Timmy!" [as himself] But not if Bob has anything to say about it! Right, Bob? [as Bob] "That's right! You can't marry Timmy; I want to marry you!" [as Greta] "But I love Timmy!" [as Bob] "Too bad! You're marryin' me!" [as Timmy] "Over my dead body!" says Timmy! [as Bob] "Oh yeah?!" [as Timmy] "Yeah!" [as Bob] "Well then, let's go at it!" [begins fighting with himself using the swords, falling over backwards] "Hey, get offa me!" [as Timmy] "Oh, you're askin' for it! Here comes Dicky Boy!" [grabs a nearby axe and speaks with a new voice as Dicky] "Stand aside, Greta; I'll take care of these two!"
Bill Straitman: Apparently, Hakon's helmet is a touch too tight. Thank you and so long from the Viking Museum of Weaponry. AAAAHH!
Hakon the Good: [as Bob] "Come back here, you! I'm not finished with you yet!" [as Greta] "I won't have you runnin' away from you!"
Toast: Here's your pepperoni pizza with extra barbecue sauce, hold the anchovies.
René Descartes: I didn't order any pizza!
Toast: Yeah ya did, I got the order right here.
René Descartes: That is not my address; this is for Galileo. He lives in Italy.
Toast: Well, I don't think I can get there in a half-hour or less.
Aka Pella: Like, mister, are you okay?
Toast: I think the dude's having a nervous breakdown.
René Descartes: Oh, you think so, do you?! Well, I think that -- Think? Think! That's it! "I think, therefore I am!" I did it! I did it, huhuhu! [in singsong] I found a basic axiom upon which to be acknowledged!
Toast: Spare me the details, brainy-dude. Can I get paid for the pizza now?
René Descartes: No no no, wait wait, I'm on a role! "I think, therefore I am!" Don't you see? It is so simple! If I think, then I exist. If I don't think, then I don't exist! Now I can solve any mystery known to man! Go ahead, ask me something! Something!
Toast: Who's gonna pay for this pizza?
René Descartes: I--I don't know. I have absolutely no idea. I can't think! Therefore I am-- [suddenly vanishes]
Toast: Gone, chuh! The dude stiffed me!
Loud Kiddington: What a gyp!!
Toast: Hey! Don't disappear on me, deadbeat philosopher dude! Think yourself back into existence! Somebody's gotta pay for the pie, man!
World's Oldest Woman: Sure thing, bubby. Just head southeast into Persia, cross the Zambrose Mountains, and when you hit Afghanistan, turn right at Kabul. You can't miss it.
Toast: Whoa, that's kinda far. Uh, how about Alexandria?
World's Oldest Woman: OK, y'know where Merv and Central Asia used to be?
World's Oldest Woman: Bingo!
Toast: Central Asia, huh? Well, what about Alexandria?
World's Oldest Woman: Ohboy, darlin', you just went right past it! Just turn around and make tracks about 1200 kilometers worth, and when you hit the Libyan Border, hang a right to the Mediterranean Sea. Then you row-row-row your boat, uno-dos-tres, and when you find yourself around a bunch of naked armless statues, you're there!
Toast: Uh... well, that really sounds out of the way. Do you think Alexandria would be closer?
World's Oldest Woman: Oh, you mean that Alexandria! Dreamboat, you're here!
George Washington: [narrating] And so the British Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which taxed newspapers, playing cards, and all printed material imported by the colonies. The American colonists were not happy.
Loud Kiddington: [regarding Lady Godiva riding through town naked] See it!! See it!! See it!! [swings away] Don't see it!! Don't see it!! Don't see it!! [swings back] See it!! See it!! See it!! (swings away) Don't see it!! Don't see it!! Don't see it!! ...and I don't wanna see it!!
Loud Kiddington: Lord Caesar!! Bad news!! There's a plot against your life!!
Teacher: Uh, close enough. Ok, what do you have if I take away three?
Charity Bazaar: Not so much stuff.
Teacher: Uh, close enough.
Father Time: In 1489, the plus and minus signs first came into use.
Charity Bazaar: [holding up a paper graded with an F-] You know, I wish I could go back to the good old days.
Chit Chatterson: Listen, Ive, now that you're tsar, you need to add a "the" to your name.
Ivan Vasilyevich (Froggo): Huh?
Chit Chatterson: You know, like Attila the Hun, William the Conqueror? I've got a list of suggestions for you, compiled by our oppreresive despot search department!
Ivan Vasilyevich: Go on.
Chit Chatterson: OK, how about Ivan the Icky?
Ivan Vasilyevich: WHAT?! No!
Chit Chatterson: I agree, very bad. OK, here's a good one - Ivan the Disagreeable! I like that one. It says you're mean but you can still be reasoned with.
Ivan Vasilyevich: Absolutely not!
Chit Chatterson: Ivan the Finicky?
Ivan Vasilyevich: No!
Chit Chatterson: Ivan the Colicky?
Ivan Vasilyevich: No!
Chit Chatterson: Okay let's see, what else, what else? Ah! Ooh, this is you! You're gonna love this one, Ivey baby - Ivan the Naughty!
Ivan Vasilyevich: GET OUT! GET OUT! Aaaaaaah!
Chit Chatterson: Ivan, you're terrible!
Ivan Vasilyevich: That's it!
Chit Chatterson: Faboo! I knew we could work something out, Ivan, the Terrible! Can I just call you "Bl" for short?
Ivan Vasilyevich: NO! [kicks Chit out] Guards, off with his head!
Miss Information: In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue, and to commemorate his historic journey, each year we celebrate Columbus Day with big parades and shamrocks and leprechauns and people wearin' green clothes!
Christopher Columbus: That's St. Patrick's Day! All my day is famous for is the half-off men's underwear sale.
Chistopher Columbus: Crow's nest! You see anything?
Loud Kiddington: LEMMIE CHECK, CAPTAIN! [peers through periscope] OH MY GOSH!! STRAIGHT AHEAD! YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT!
Christopher Columbus: What is it?
Loud Kiddington: GUESS!
Christopher Columbus: Land?
Loud Kiddington: [imitates buzzer] OH, I'M SO SORRY, NO! IT'S WATER!! YES, WATER! MILES AND MILES OF WATER! BUT WAIT! WHAT'S OVER THERE?! OH MY GOLLY! MORE WATER! WAIT! HOW ABOUT THAT THERE!? GUESS WHAT! MORE WATER! [tosses periscope away] YESTERDAY, WATER! THE DAY BEFORE, WATER! FOR THE PAST 70 DAYS, WATER! NOTHING BUT WATER! [face turning red] YOU STARTING TO GET THE PICTURE, CAPTAIN!?
Christopher Columbus: I think the crow's nest needs a little vacae.
Christopher Columbus: Santa Maria! Can't you take that smelly baby somewhere else?!
Edgar Allan Poe: I've just completed a rewrite we can all be proud of! Johnathan Livingston's Seagull is now a bloodthirsty vampire bat named Caroline, who is mysteriously compelled to fly into the propellor of an airplane, on the first page! [laughs evilly]
Basho: It is still too long! [screams and slices Poe's book in half]