Harley Quinn (TV series)/Season 3

Season 1 2 3 Special 4 Main

Harley Quinn is an American adult animated web television series based on the Harley Quinn character created by Paul Dini and Bruce Timm.

Harlivy [3.01]

Clayface: Harlivy! You look radiant!

Harley Quinn: Ah, thanks. We've been doing a ton of fucking.

Commisioner Gordon I'll bring Harley and Ivy to justice and you'll change that tune! Everyone's gonna be whistlin' Jim Gordon, baby!

Audience member: Fuck you!

Commisioner Gordon: No, FUCK you! [throws the microphones and storms off]

Harley Quinn: I'm getting nervous about Kylie's and Brittney's improv skills with Gordon.

Poison Ivy: They're trained professionals. I'm sure they can buy us at least another five minutes.

[At the top of Arkham Asylum, where Gordon has mistaken Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy for two adult film actresses who look like them.]

Kylie Kyriptonite: Oooh, no. We've been bad.

Brittney Bionic: Oooh, we need someone to punish us.

Kylie Kyriptonite: Not Commissioner Gordon!

Brittney Bionic: We're respect and fear him so much.

Two-Face: Something about this doesn't seem right.

Commissioner Gordon: Hold on. Let's hear 'em out. [Two-Face switches the lights on to see their faces.] What the...? Adult film actresses Kylie Kyriptonite and Brittney Bionic?

Cop#1: I'm a huge fan.

Cop#2: Loved you in The Drilling Joke.

Cop#3: Please, sign my gun.

Cheryl: Can I get an autograph? I-it's for my husband.

James Gunn: Well, Mister Face, what would you say to a job on set as the director's chair? God, you look like a pile of shit, but you feel like a pile of clouds.

There's No Ivy in Team [3.02]

Dick Grayson: Hello, Alfred! Looks like the prodigal son has returned.

Harley Quinn: What up, Gotham City? You ready to lick up my toe? Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy are back! [to Dick] Now, that's how you make an entrance, you fucking dork.

Batman: What's with your voice?

Nightwing: What are you talking about?

Batman: It's a bit... overly serious.

Nightwing: I think it's an appropriate amount of... serious.

Nightwing: [after meeting with Damian] I thought you were four.

Damian: It's been eight years. That's how time works, dickhead.

The 83rd Annual Villy Awards [3.03]

[After seeing the Joker dancing on the stage with two backup dancers, dressing up in Harley Quinn's old costume.]

Poison Ivy: This is beyond messed up.

Harley Quinn: You know, I should hate 'em, but damn it, the girls got moves.

Clayface: Screw Clayface. I choose Thornton.

The Joker: [After Man-Bat's acceptance speech in bat language] I hope we won't have to censor any of that. [Laughing] I'm kidding, I'm kidding. It was a very touching speech about your mother's leukemia.

Kite Man: So, uh... this is awkward turtle.

Poison Ivy: No... why, why would that be?

Harley Quinn: Because we had an affair while you were dating, and you left him at the altar for me, and now we're all seated at an award show where you and I are run for "Best Couple"...

Kite Man: Bingo-bango.

Poison Ivy: Okay, bitch... Wait, what happened to you? You know what? I can guess. Let's win this Villy, crush the acceptance speech, and make that trophy a cuck.

Harley Quinn: Totally. How?

Poison Ivy: By making it watch us have crazy sex until dawn. Duh.

Harley Quinn: Okay, I absolutely love that image, but Ive, I'm so sorry. You had real anxiety all night and... I should have helped. I was so fixated on that award when I was with Joker 'cause it was the only validation I've ever got. But that was a bad relationship and I've grown beyond that. So who cares about a dumb trophy? [gently touches Ivy's face] I got the real award right here.

Poison Ivy: Aaw. That is so sweet. But I should have been more excited. I mean, this is important to you, so it is important to me.

A Thief, A Mole, An Orgy [3.04]

Harley Quinn: [Singing in heavy metal style]: Ivy is so smart. She's no science wuzzy. And in celebration, I'm gonna eat her puss... [Ivy shows up.] Oh, hey, Ive!

Poison Ivy: When Catwoman and I hooked up, I wanted more, even though it was so obvious that she didn't. So, I waited around, hoping that she'll change her mind and while I waited I was just wrapped around her little fingers. Anyway, after it finally ended, I felt so pathetic. I never wanted to think about it again, so when you brought it up I just got defensive and I said something I shouldn't. Harley, it wasn't even a real relationship and I know that, because when we got together, I knew I finally found what I've been pining for all those years. [tears up] Catwoman didn't mean a thing to me. But you... you Harley, you mean everything.

It's a Swamp Thing [3.05]

John Constantine: Might I be your service? I tell you where Swamp Thing is, if you can outdrink me.

Harley Quinn: Let's make some shit disappear, Chris Angel!

Bruce Wayne: I purchased these two cats for you.

Selina Kyle: Is the only thing you know about me that I like cats?

Bruce Wayne: These cats are special. They're Persian. I named them Martha and Thomas.

Selina Kyle: After your death parents?

Bruce Wayne: I... I didn't realize. I just considered them to be strong Christian names.

Selina Kyle: I don't take those Anglo-Saxon pseudo parents cats, Bruce.

Alfred Pennyworth: Master Bruce, are you alright?

Bruce Wayne: I'm fine. I don't need Selina. I'm not looking for love. I just want to focus on my career right now. [He looks at Frank who is tied up in his lab.] Poison Ivy did something to him. And I'm gonna figure out what.

Joker: The Killing Vote [3.06]

[Seeing a flying figure rising from the dark while they are trapped in an unstopable rollercoaster train.]

Benicio: Superman! Dad, we're saved!

[Suddenly Commissioner Gordon falls onto their train.]

The Joker: Oh no, it's just Gordon. Keep screaming, son.

Barbara Gordon: That's it, I'm crossing the line. Dad, fire Two-Face as your campaign manager. If you're not, I can't support you anymore.

Commissioner Gordon: Damn, what is with women in this family and ultimatums?

The Joker: You think I made a hard choice? Wrong. I'm only running for mayor for my family. And I'll quit for my family just as easily.

Commissioner Gordon: [to the Joker] Wow. You really are changed. You're the kind of stepdad I wish I can be for my biological daughter.

Another Sharkley Adventure [3.07]

Catwoman: We broke up. Bruce is so clingy. Even for an eccentric billionaire he's got baggage. Workaholic, obsessed with clean eating, and of course, those major abandonment issues from seeing his parents murdered as a child.

Harley Quinn: Well, congrats for freeing yourself from the chains of hetero hell.

Harley Quinn: Why are you smiling?! You were seconds away from being puppeted by a leprechaun in a funky hat.

Batgirl: I knew you'd come back, Harley. You may not be a BONA FIED hero, but you're not as ruthless as you think.

Harley Quinn: [Immediately beats the Mad Hatter to death with her baseball bat] You were saying?

Batgirl: Yeesh! Did you really just kill him to contradict me?

Harley Quinn: I like killing assholes. Don't read into it.

Batgirl: Whatever you say... friend.

Harley Quinn: [Sighs] We are in the AREA of friendship. We're not making bracelets yet. [Brief silence] We're NOT! Oh, and FYI, when someone texts "LOL period", the conversation is over!

Batgirl: Got it. Where you goin'? Off to do another good deed?

Harley Quinn: LOL PERIOD! [Leaves]

Brother Prince Shark: What are you gonna do, huh? Eat me like you did our other brothers?!

King Shark: Oh, you KNOW that was a mistake! I suffer from hypoglycemic-induced blackouts!

Brother Prince Shark: ALL THIRTEEN TIMES?!?

Harley Quinn: [After throwing Bruce Wayne's unconscious body to the floor] Who has two thumbs to break and a full set of teeth to yank out? THIS GUY!

Batman Begins Forever [3.08]

Bruce Wayne: [in one of his memories] As a man, I'm flesh and blood. I can be ignored. I can be destroyed. But as a symbol, as a really cool, super serious symbol, I can be incorruptible. I can be everlasting.

Harley Quinn: [to Bruce's child self] You grow up to have a real savior-complex. Who do you think you are? You don't sound like Bruce Wayne there. You sound like... [gasps] Holy shit! You're...

Kid Bruce Wayne: I'm Batman. [lightning strikes]

Harley Quinn: How could Bruce be Batman? I mean, sure, he's the richest man in Gotham, so that explains all the vehicles, and he always goes missing at big galas when villains show up... Okay, if you come to think of it, it's very obvious.

Kid Bruce Wayne: Wait 'til you hear who Superman is.

Kid Bruce Wayne: I don't trust clowns with secrets.

Harley Quinn: I'm barley clown-themed anymore. I just dress like this because it's hot. I mean, check out how good this booty-shorts make my ass look. [Kid Bruce looks confused.] Nevermind, you're eight.

Harley Quinn: You're disgusthing. All this destruction and mayhem for what? Do you really like this?

Past Harley Quinn: Mistah J likes it. Whatever he likes, I like.

Harley Quinn: Oh, and that accent. Oh, my God! So heavy, girl. Ease it down.

Past Harley Quinn: Who do you think you are?

Harley Quinn: Not you. Not anymore. Someday you'll get with the love of your life and realize how foolish you've been all those years.

The Joker: Too bad, you'll miss the wedding.

Harley Quinn: We haven't talked about marriage YET.

Harley Quinn: Hey, you never told me stopping baddies is this much fun. Being a hero is supposed to be lame.

Batman: It has its moments. Costume looks good on you, Quinn.

Harley Quinn: You don't think the shorts are too short? I like to show off a lil' something, but come on. This is a thong.

Climax at Jazzapajizza [3.09]

Poison Ivy: Maybe if I just go to the Green, I can find a way to control them.

Harley Quinn: No, absolutely not! The last time you went there, you almost died.

Nightwing: What other choice do we have?

Poison Ivy: I hate to say this, but the Bludhaven boner's right. Plus, I know what to expect now. [to Harley] I've got this, peanut.

Harley Quinn: Who knew confidence was my kink?

Poison Ivy: Okay, while I'm in there, you and the Bat Freaks try to stall them off.

Harley Quinn: And you're delegating. Oh, I'm gonna need to change my shorts. [Ivy pulls her closer and passionately kisses her.] Oh God, I love you.

Poison Ivy: I know. Now, go!

Harley Quinn: Okay, so which way is the Batcave?

Nightwing: What? What is this Batcave you speak of?

Batgirl: Yeah, it sounds, um, scary. Not some place I'd like to go.

Harley Quinn: Guys, I know Bruce is Batman.

Nightwing: Bruce Vilanch is Batman? Wow! Jokes and crime-fighting?

Batgirl: What a guy!

Bruce Wayne: [Introducing his resurrected zombie parents to Damian] Mother, Father, this is your grandson. Damian, say hello to your soon to be completely alive grandmama and grandpapa.

[Damian looks up, uninterested. He then walks away while playing with his video games]

Bruce Wayne: [To his zombie parents] Teens, am I right? [realizing] Oh, right. You died when I was eight. Well, they're a handful.

Poison Ivy: [After she had to sacrifice her life-long plan to save Harley's life] FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

The Horse and The Sparrow [3.10]

Poison Ivy: Harley, face it. You... [inhales] you've evolved. You want to help people. You're not a villain anymore.

Harley Quinn: That is not true.

Poison Ivy: Why won't you just admit it?

Harley Quinn: Because I don't wanna lose you.

Poison Ivy: [Genuinely surprised] Do you really think that you would lose me?

Harley Quinn: If we don't want the same thing, what is that mean for us?

Poison Ivy: Look, if running the Legion of Doom with me isn't for you, it's okay. I don't want you to compramise yourself. We're equals in this relationship and that's why it's so great. We can fully have different passions. I mean, if I didn't leave you during your craft beer phase, I'm not leaving you now.

Harley Quinn: Yeah, I know, I could not pull off those cargo shorts.

Poison Ivy: Look, as long as you're honest with me, I will support whatever you want to do.

Harley Quinn: But what if I don't know exactly what that is? Look, I know I don't want to kill Joker and I don't want to do big evil plans, but... do I wanna help people? Maybe. I don't know. I haven't really let myself think about it. People are saying I'm not a villain anymore which is fine, like, whatever, labels are lame, but... I'm not ready to identify as... the other thing.

Poison Ivy: You know what? Then we're gonna figure this out together. Right? BFFGFFs. That's us, right?

Poison Ivy: So, okay. That's what you've decided.

Harley Quinn: It is. I was alone for so long carrying around this trauma. Then I met you and I fell in love which helped me get past it. I'm finally in a place where I can actually think about what I want. It's exciting. And scary.

Poison Ivy: I'm so proud of you.

Harley Quinn: So, is Lex gonna be pissed you didn't killed Joker?

Poison Ivy: Oh, he probably wants me even more right now...

Harley Quinn: Hmm. God knows I do. [kisses Ivy]

Harley Quinn: Hey, assholes!

Batgirl: [Excitedly] Ooooh!

Nightwing: Harley? What are you doing here?

Harley Quinn: Yeah, with Baty in the clink, I thought you silly rodents might need a little help. Hm? Don't worry, Nightwing. You still got the best looking ass out of all of us.

Nightwing: Mmm, let's give her a chance.

Batgirl: Are you ready?

Harley Quinn: Like in general or is there some specific we need to do?

Batgirl: Welcome to the fam, Harley!

[Nightwing, Robin, and Batgirl jump off the top of the Wayne Tower, using their grappling hooks to fly away into the night]

Harley Quinn: Thanks for waiting me, you fucking dildos! [Smiles] I'll take the stairs.

A Very Problematic Valentine's Day Special

Harley Quinn: Who is pumped for the best VD ever? I mean, ugh, look, you know what I meant.

Poison Ivy: Oh, wait a second. Is this the one that you got from Halloween when you tried to go as Wonder Wolf-man and no one got it?

Harley Quinn: I was a wolf wearing a Wonder Woman suit. It made perfect fucking sense.

Harley Quinn: Holy shit. Do I love Valentine's Day? Not only is it the gushiest, mushiest, most romantic day of the year, but for 24 hours, you have a bulletproof excuse for doing super cheesy shit for your partner. You can eat as much chocolate as you want, no judgment. And it's super fucking cold in February, so it's the perfect excuse to snuggle.

Harley Quinn: I promise, if you let me have this one, I will never bring it up again.

Poison Ivy: You will absolutely bring it up every year.

Harley Quinn: Yeah, but with less gusto.

Bane: I'm on all the dating apps, but haven't swiped right once. I can't get past the profiles. Does no one understand correct grammar, dangling modifiers, sentence fragments, using the word "anyways" as a transition... It's "anyway"! There's no "S"! And as you know, nothing turns me off more than reckless disregard for language.

The Riddler: Does anyone know that?

Bane: You do now.

Harley Quinn: Oh, you can't possibly be mad at me for getting you off too good. That is not a thing.

Bane: You have to help me. It's an emergency, okay?

Etrigan The Demon: [Doing a limerick] Men are from Mars. Women, Venus. Let me guess. You want to have a bigger penis, right?

Brett Goldstein: [As a nude Bane arrives] Everyone, calmly head for the nearest exit. Do not gawk at the large testicles swinging like wrecking balls.

Brett Goldstein: The event promoters have informed me that refunds do not apply to massive homicidal bellends.