Harley Quinn (TV series)/Season 1
Harley Quinn is an American adult animated web television series based on the Harley Quinn character created by Paul Dini and Bruce Timm.
Til Death Do Us Part [1.01]
edit- Man: [Gentlemen]! My fellow whites. Let's raise a glass to this pyramid of money, the foundation of which was built upon our favorite pastime: Fucking the poor!
- Harley Quinn: [Excitedly] Is this the good kinda acid that gives you superpowers?!
- The Riddler: No!
- Harley Quinn: Awwww...
- Poison Ivy: Just stopped by to check up on ya, but I see you're doin' great, love the new look, I'm gonna pick up some Thai food, text me what you want, okay?
- Harley Quinn: Oh, no, wait! I'll have a green potato curry.
- Poison Ivy: Yeah, but I mean-I just-just text it to me.
- Harley Quinn: But you're right here.
- Poison Ivy: Yeah, but then I'm not going to remember what you want, and you won't like what I get you, and you're gonna want some of mine. Just-just fuckin' text it.
A High Bar [1.02]
edit- The Joker: I need a permit for a trap door? The whole point is no one is supposed to know about it! Especially the city.
- Harley Quinn: I know it's you Scarecrow,Two-Face,other half of Two-Face,Bane.
- [Two-Face and Scarecrow laughs at Harley's imitation of Bane]
- Bane: [Annoyedly] I'm going to blow up this Bar Mitzvah!
So You Need a Crew? [1.03]
edit- Dr. Psycho: [Fighting Wonder Woman] OW! That really hurt, you cunt! [Everything, including the Earth itself, comes to a shocked standstill]
- Poison Ivy: [Watching the fight on TV] Holy shit!
- Harley Quinn: [To Maxie Zeus] Ah, Got it. So you're just a creepy dick, I'm not fucking you.
- Clayface: The name is Clayface, thespian extraordinaire recently portraying the juicy role of country boy bartending in the big city!
- Dr. Psycho: I thought you were playing the role of literal piece of shit.
- Clayface: Not yet. [Transforms into Doctor Psycho] NOW I'm a literal piece of shit!
- Dr. Psycho: So who do you need me to mind-control to open the door?
- Harley Quinn: No, no. No one. Just squeeze into the crawlspace, get into the house, and open it from the inside.
- Dr. Psycho: Are you shitting me? I'm a genius telepath! Why're you wasting me on THIS?
- Harley Quinn: You're the only thing small enough to fit!
- Dr. Psycho: Got it. Sonofabitch!
- Harley Quinn: Then they all ran off with that loser Kite Man!
- Poison Ivy: Yeah, what a loser that guy is. Did he mention my name?
- Poison Ivy: Holy fucking shit, Harls. You did it. I would not have seen that coming.
Finding Mr. Right [1.04]
edit- Superman: Is she mad about the paywall too? $7.99 is an ambitious price point, and it doesn't include the crossword, which is ridic.
- Poison Ivy: Harley! You can't kill him.
- Harley Quinn: You don't think I can kill a 12 year old?! Oh, okay. Well, I will smash in his face with a bat like a WATERMELON!
- Lois Lane: I don't retract articles and I definitely not writing a puff piece about... what was your headline?
- Joshua Cobblepot: Kill him, Ivy!
- The Joker: Harley! What the fuck do you think you're doing? Are you trying to steal my Batman?
- Harley Quinn: Robin's lying. Why would I fight a kid? I want a nemesis with some hair on their chest!
- Poison Ivy: [Snorts in amusement] Well, that rules out Batman. Catwoman says he waxes everything.
- Dr. Psycho: Last week I was in the fucking Legion of Doom and now THIS is my life!
- Poison Ivy: You can't fuck with Lois Lane, people.
- Batman: I'm gonna say something embarrassing here. I didn't have a nemesis until... my late twenties.
- Robin: Don't patronize me, father, it's unbecoming.
- Batman: It's true. I wasn't ready for one. You want your first nemesis to be special. Someone that you can see being your nemesis for the rest of your life.
- Robin: I suppose you're right, father... When can I start having sex?
- Batman: I... think I hear the bat-signal. [Grapples the hooks away]
Being Harley Quinn [1.05]
edit- Harley Quinn: Hey, Ive, I think there's something really screwed up about me.
- Poison Ivy: I wanna say this in just the most loving way, but there's NO way that this is just occurring to you now.
- King Shark: Sorry you didn't get that mack-in-a you were talkin' about—but at least that guy showed up outta nowhere to save us for no reason!
- Dr. Psycho: Now everyone hold hands and squeeze your butt cheeks together.
You're a Damn Good Cop, Jim Gordon [1.06]
edit- Giganta: You think I care about you or your jolly green whore?
- Poison Ivy: Okay, I'm standing right here.
- Giganta: I don't have time to give some review. I'm too busy getting cunnilingus from my new boyfriend Brad, who's amazing at it!
- Dr. Psycho: [Scoffs] Only weak men do that. [Brad uses his tongue to sculpt a statue from ice cream] Oh, fucking hell!
- Poison Ivy: [Impressed] Call me.
- Poison Ivy: Quick side bar. How did this [i.e. being married to Giganta] work...sexually?
- Dr. Psycho: Not great!
- Dr. Psycho: [Rides an invisible motorcycle from a skyscraper] I am a golden god!
- Poison Ivy: I don't understand your obsession with the Legion of Doom. They are actual pieces of shit.
- Harley Quinn: Obviously! But those pieces of shit were the only people Joker respected. I'll never match up to him unless I'm in the Legion too.
- Poison Ivy: So let me get this straight: you're not over your ex, and you want to throw your success in his face.
- Harley Quinn: Exactly!
- Poison Ivy: Honestly, that might be the most relatable thing you've ever said.
- Harley Quinn: [Looking around Batman's Batcave as she dangles from the ceiling] So this must be where you fuck the bats.
- Dr. Psycho: [To Harley] Can you please fire me now so I can get some unemployment?
- Harley Quinn: We're gonna rob Bruce Wayne!
The Line [1.07]
edit- Poison Ivy: First of all, I care about the environment. Okay, I don't know what about that makes me a bad guy.
- Harley Quinn: Yeah, says the girl who dissolved the head of Ace Chemicals in a bath of his own herbicide.
- Poison Ivy: Best Earth Day ever.
- Queen of Fables: You know, no one ever talks about it, but it's almost impossible to get brain out of a cape.
- Queen of Fables: You fucked up, Harley.
- Harley Quinn: You know, I do a lot of that, so you're going to have to be more specific.
- Jason Praxis: My cousin twice removed... completely removed.
L.O.D.R.S.V.P. [1.08]
edit- King Shark: You're not my Dad!
- Aquaman: That is contrary to what she said.
- [Aquaman breaks a fish tank in a fight, causing the fish to splash all over the floor]
- Bane: Look! I am stomping on your fish!
- Aquaman: Bane, stop it!
- [Aquaman picks up as much sealife as he can]
- Harley Quinn: Hey, there's a YMCA pool down the street!
- Aquaman: Oh, yeah, yeah! "Just throw saltwater fish into a chlorinated pool! Water's water, I guess!" Come on! What are you, four?
- Poison Ivy: Hey, buddy, now that you're done kissing your own asshole...
- Lex Luthor: That's not a phrase.
- Harley Quinn: So you got a fish tank and you do improv?
- Poison Ivy: Wow, you're my shitty college boyfriend.
- Poison Ivy: Is that what it stands for? I thought it was Legion of Dildos.
- Lex Luthor: That is a sex shop down the street with whom we're currently in a protracted legal battle.
- Poison Ivy: Did someone call for... kelp?
A Seat at the Table [1.09]
edit- Bane: I wish they would make a sequel to Up.
- Lex Luthor: No, they can’t! The story ended with the first movie.
- Scarecrow: Unless... the kid is the old man in the sequel.
- Bane: Oh, that’s fun! That’s a good one!
- Harley Quinn: When my mind is set, it is set. Hell, they blew out three electricshock machines at Arkham trying to get through to me.
- The Joker: You know, everyone remembers me for the big crimes. The murders, the cripplings. But it's the little ones that keep me going.
- King Shark: Instead of a boy, it's a fish, and instead of a wolf...
- Harley Quinn: It's an orca.
- King Shark: No! It's a wolf named Orca. But it can swim, which is terrifying!
- Clayface: What did you say to Black Manta to elicit such rage?
- Dr. Psycho: Nothing racist...
- Bane: What is taking your shark friend so long to plant the bomb?
- Dr. Psycho: Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's because he's a shark and not a demolitions expert!
- Poison Ivy: You're in a pot, Frank. I'd have to carry you.
- Frank the Plant: So what? I carry you emotionally.
- Clayface: They put us in the goon pool.
- Harley Quinn: Ooh, that sounds fun.
- Dr. Psycho: Fun? It's not the fun kind of pool!
- Bane: Is your card... the three of clubs?
- Harley Quinn: No.
- Bane: Fuck.
- Harley Quinn: I know you were just trying to protect me and, listen, I'm gonna do the same thing for you. Okay, just cause I'm a card carrying member of the Legion of Doom now...
- Poison Ivy: Fuck that place in the ass!
- [Saving Harley Quinn from falling after the Joker tossed her out from his helicopter]
- Batman: [Sympathetically] Some things never change, Quinn.
- Lex Luthor: This is where we get approval for the use of Legion resources like goons and getaway cars...
- Bane: And 'splosions!
- Lex Luthor: I have no idea what the fuck "'splosions" are, Bane! But we do have EXPLOSIVES.
- Bane: The streets will run with razzy zazzy!
Bensonhust [1.10]
edit- Harley Quinn: How much of this am I hallucinating?
- Dr. Harleen Quinzel: Just me. Weirdly, the passed-out guy with the boner and the talking plant driving a car are both real.
- Bane: The credit card is for emergencies only, but your bill is all candies and vape pens and something suspiciously labelled "dolphin encounter"! When you put out a hit, you pay in cash!
- Joshua Cobblepot: Okay, fine, I'll cancel it!
- Bane: Already done, because I am this credit card's reckoning! I am cutting this card, and I am cutting it in half— [tries cutting the card in half with childproof scissors] ...These blades are dull. I will bend it!
- Joshua Cobblepot: Don't do that!
- Bane: Too late! Do you think I want to be "Credit Card Paying Man"? I have dreams, too!
- Bane: You could blow them up.
- Harley Quinn: Ehh, not really my thing.
- Bane: I could blow them up.
- Frank the Plant: People shit on the WNBA, but I'm a purist. Get those dunks the fuck out my face. Gimme a nice crisp bounce pass. That's my shit. I'm all about the fundamentals.
- Harley Quinn: He broke every promise he ever made!
- Sharon Quinzel: And he apologized for that and made a whole bunch of new ones.
Harley Quinn Highway [1.11]
edit- Scarecrow: Tsk tsk tsk. Trying to escape on surgery day. Don't worry, insurance will cover it. [beat] ...Obviously that was a joke; insurance would never cover this. I-I think we can all agree they're the real villains, yeah?
- Poison Ivy: I would agree with tha— [Gets sedated]
- Clayface: Good thinking, old chum, knowing I would clog up its gears but it wouldn't kill me.
- Dr. Psycho: Yeah, that was, uh, that was definitely a thing I knew.
- Poison Ivy: Who the fuck braided my hair?
- Sy Borgman: Eh, I was bored.
- Mook: She has no powers now, she's just a helpless woman!
- Poison Ivy: Uh, who still has hands! [Picks up a gun and shoots him] And the goddamn Second Amendment!
- [Clayface throws up clay, and reabsorbs the clay back into himself]
- King Shark: I do not know how you can live with yourself.
- Harley Quinn: Gentleman--and Psycho--begin Phase 2.
- King Shark: That was incredibly violent. I did not realize there was so much stuff inside a tree.
- Frank the Plant: Everybody feel that pucker in your asshole? That means shit is about to get real.
- Frank the Plant: [To Harley Quinn] Where'd you learn to give a speech? You put your thesis statement at the motherfuckin' top.
- [The crew discovers that Poison Ivy's biggest fear is... Harley Quinn?]
- Frank the Plant: Oh, shit!
- Clayface: Dear God. We're Empire Strikes Back-ing it!
- Frank the Plant: You're her biggest fear? I did NOT see that coming. That's some M. Night Shyamalama shit!
Devil's Snare [1.12]
edit- Poison Ivy: We didn't do it! We aren't responsible for the tree monsters! I secretly watch NASCAR! I take long showers! I think paper straws are stupid and get too soggy! I was excited for Jazz Fest! [Cries out in agony as the Lasso Of Truth glows] Fine! I was very excited for Jazz Fest!
- Clayface: I know what we need! An idea! ... Anybody got one?
- Clayface: Oy! Bubbeh, it is I, Grandfather Wolf!
- Dr. Psycho: Okay. First, that's a male wolf, dressed like an elderly human female. Second, why is your wolf Jewish?
- Clayface: ...I took a swing.
- Harley Quinn: Nice save, Jerk-Off League!
- Superman: That's not our name at all.
- [Ivy becomes a giant]
- Dr. Psycho: [Gets excited] Thirty dollars if you put me in your pocket! [Everyone stares at him] What? I got a type. You knew this.
- Poison Ivy: You know what? You're really taking the romance out of it when you just call it "my plant control thing".
- King Shark: Uh, I hate to be a downer, but we are completely and utterly screwed. Oh, I wore that well. Umm, maybe I don't hate being a downer. Ooh, maybe I shouldn't feel so much pressure to put a positive spin on things.
- Harley Quinn: All right, everybody, back in the tank. If you need to pee, now's your chance.
- King Shark: People ask me who would win between a wolf and a shark. [Spits out a bone] It's a shark.
- Queen of Fables: Word of advice: don't smell Rapunzel's hair. Ain't no shower in that tower.
The Final Joke [1.13]
edit- The Joker: [After throwing Harley Quinn into acid] Wait a minute. Did anyone hear a splash? I've fallen in acid enough times to know that there should be a splash.
- Batman: I work alone.
- Commissioner Gordon: What about me?
- Batman: Not now, Jim.
- The Joker: Now I know Batman is just some boring rich asshole with parental issues.
- Batman: That's really reductive.
- The Joker: What is wrong with me?
- Batman: You're a sociopathic narcissist!
- The Joker: It was rhetorical, asshole! And who do you think you are, a psychiatrist?
- King Shark: Harley, a few words?
- [Harley stifles back her tears]
- Clayface: Let her grieve. I've prepared a little something. [Clears his throat while Harley sobs] We have gathered today to pay respects to our beloved friend. Her death was not an empty sacrifice. And, of my friend, I will say just this. Of all the souls I have met on my journeys, hers was the most - human.
- Dr. Psycho: Wow, that, uh [sniffles] Wasn't awful.
- Clayface: As apropos a speech now as when it was originally delivered by William Shatner's Captain James Tiberius Kirk in Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan.
- The Joker: I know I should have harpooned you in the head. One in the head, one in the heart. It's Harpooning 101.
- [Joker kills Scarecrow]
- The Joker: ...Not even that was fun.
- [Joker approaches newly-unmasked Batman/Bruce Wayne]
- The Joker: WayneTech promised an electric car by this year! I put a deposit down! Where's my goddamn electric car, Bruce?