Harley Quinn (TV series)/Season 2

Season 1 2 3 Special 4 Main

Harley Quinn is an American adult animated web television series based on the Harley Quinn character created by Paul Dini and Bruce Timm.

New Gotham [2.01]

Dr. Psycho: Are we living in a mall or a zoo?

King Shark: I like to think of it as both now.

Harley Quinn: Yuck, you worry too much, Ive.

Poison Ivy: Uhhh, you know I think I am just worrying about the perfect amount, to be honest.

The Penguin: There's got to be a hierarchy.

Two-Face: Exactly! It goes super villains, sidekicks, goons that went to Harvard, and then goons.

Poison Ivy: You know, I am trying to be less of a know-it-all, so I am just going to read a book. but I just can't, it's just killing me. I told you so! Okay, now I am going to read a book.

Harley Quinn: Listen up, goons.

Hench: Excuse me, I identify as a hench.

The Riddler: We need goons! Now they all think they're us. If everyone is a villain, then no one is.

Two-Face: And we need to get them back in line. We need structure.

Two-Face: [to Bane] Can I ask you a serious question? Why are you so stupid?

Harley Quinn: This is what I've always wanted, Ivy. Anarchy and sushi.

The Penguin: Without your bat, you're just a defrosted gymnast!

Riddle U [2.02]

King Shark: Well, that was a surprisingly easy and delightful stroll across an apocalyptic wasteland.

Commissioner Gordon: Best thing about chest hair. Chip catcher.

Harley Quinn: What? It's an ice flue. You know I can't resist alcohol being poured down an icy surface.

Poison Ivy: No, I did not know that.

Harley Quinn: Damn it! How is a girl supposed to plan her takeover of Gotham if she (raising her voice to a yell) can't see her kill board?!

Poison Ivy [long-suffering look]: It's only six people, Harls, and two of them were dead when you made the list.

Harley Quinn: Well, I wanted to give us a head start.

Trapped [2.03]

Kite Man: Turns out in a post-apocalyptic world, kites are pretty crucial.

Harley Quinn: You know, you don't have to say that every time you drop us off, okay?

Harley Quinn: And you're free to... umm, shut your trap, Trap!

Harley Quinn: Here, kitty, kitty!

Catwoman: Are you always this impetuous?

Harley Quinn: Give me a dictionary, and I'll tell you.

Harley Quinn: Ohh, now I've got smashing blue balls. [breaks a nearby bust] Ahh, now I can get on with my day.

Poison Ivy: No, no see, you don't get it. Selina's like, she's so confident and cool. And somehow, she just like, draws you in by being aloof. You know, you just see her, and you're like, "Ah, I want to be like that". And then, you see her wearing overalls, and you're like, "Oh, maybe I want overalls". And then suddenly, you have a closet full of overalls that don't look good on you.

Thawing Hearts [2.04]

Harley Quinn: Everyone into the ice vagina.

Kite Man: Hey, does uh this tie go with kite?

Poison Ivy: No tie goes with the kite.

King Shark: [about Dr. Psycho] You are a vile, pocket-sized man.

Harley Quinn: Wait! I know how we can save your wife!

Mister Freeze: You're only saying you'll save her life to save your own.

Harley Quinn: So what, you don't want me savin' your wife's life? Okay, I won't.

Mister Freeze: Hey, relax, relax. Let's not jump to conclusions. This is a negotiation. How do you propose to perform this miracle?

Harley Quinn: My friend's a doctor and the smartest person I know.

Doctor Psycho: Wow! That's the nicest thing you've ever said about me.

Harley Quinn: Not you, idiot. Ivy.

Doctor Psycho: Yeah, that makes sense.

King Shark: Well, I hope you’re proud of yourself. You've falsely accused the most woke ice-themed villain in all of new New Gotham!

Mister Freeze: My beautiful girl. Goodbye, my love. Have the life I could never give you.

Batman's Back, Man [2.05]

Ian: For the last time, dude, get the fuck out of here with this "Gandalf could just fly over Middle-Earth and drop into the regular fires of Mount Doom from atop an eagle" bullshit. I clearly laid it out on a Lord Of The Rings subreddit. [To Brian] What do you wanna watch?

Brian: We can watch Harley Quinn.

Ian: NO!

Brian: Have you seen the show?

Ian: Oh, God, no! It's just another heavy-handed female empowerment, where her true story is "quote/un-quote" patriarchy. So basic!

Brian: Yeah, I guess.

Ian: I heard Harley takes down Joker at the end of Season One! I'm sorry, dude, but "cucked" isn't a great color on the greatest villain of all time.

Brian: That's what this review says. [To Ian] Hey, you wrote this one.

Ian: I can't believe you wanna watch this show. You know, they just did a three episode arc, where Harley beats Mr. Penguin, The Riddler and Mr. Freeze by using nothing but her Mary-Sue powers!

Brian: Are you sure you didn't see the show?

Ian: Yeah! Course I'm not a 12-year old boy. Also, dude, WHY would I watch a show that's set in Gotham City, but Batman's barely in it?

Brian: You watched all five seasons of Gotham.

Ian: Because it wasn't a fuckin' tsunami of virtue-signalling. Here, smart guy, let's see what this week's episode of Harley Quinn is about. [Reads off on-video-demand episode description] "Harley Quinn and her best friend Poison Ivy aren't in this episode, which focuses on Batman waking in his coma and vowing to take back Gotham City." Fuck! Fine. But if it sucks, we're watching Family Guy!

Commissioner Gordon: Are you sitting?

Batman: Sometimes I sit.

Commissioner Gordon: Never seen it.

Batman: You don't know everything I do.

Alfred Pennyworth: Why don't you come back to bed? I've made you a cup of honey tea and pigs in a blanket.

Bruce Wayne: I don't want pigs in a blanket: I want to fight crime! I will take that honey tea.

Commissioner Gordon: Now I brought a list of things that I need you to pay for so I can take back the city. One: police officers. Two: a codpiece that I can wear that opens up and shoots a tiny missile.

Bruce Wayne: That doesn't exist.

Commissioner Gordon: Not. Yet. That's where you and your fat wallet come in.

Bruce Wayne: You can wipe that smug look off your face.

Alfred Pennyworth: That's not smug. This is smug.

Bruce Wayne: Devastating.

Alfred Pennyworth: Your ego is writing checks your broken body cannot cash, sir.

Batman: Do you still have a million followers?

Batgirl: Actually 1.3 million.

Batman: Yeah, but most of them are bots, right?

Teller: We're not afraid of you any more.

Two-Face: What? Of course you are. Look at the guns, and half my face.

Bane: I was born in Hell and I demand respect!

All the Best Inmates Have Daddy Issues [2.06]

Harleen Quinzel: Mr. Dent, You can't burn inmates.

Harvey Dent: Not yet. But Prop 17 gives an exciting new definition to prisoners' rights.

Harleen Quinzel: [spits on Harvey Dent angrily] Fuck off, Two-Face!

Poison Ivy: YOU came up with 'Two-Face'?

Harley Quinn: And I didn't get a single royalty...

The Joker: No matter how fun the crime is, eating alone is a real drag.

The Joker: You wanna know how I got these emotional scars?

Poison Ivy: I guess the acid really did change him.

Doctor Psycho: Which is why I just smoke joints. [Laughs alone] Fuck you, that was good one.

Commissioner Gordon: So... got any plans for tonight, Batman?

Batman: Uhh, stop Joker from blowing up Gotham.

Commissioner Gordon: Yeah! Huh, of course. I meant, like, after that.

There's No Place to Go but Down [2.07]

Poison Ivy: I'm going to give you a piece of advice about sex at 10,000 feet. Don't do it into the wind.

Bane: You're probably wondering, "Hey, Bane, why no door?" Because where would you escape to? You are in a pit!

Bane: You cannot run from your problems, Harley. Hate weighs you down. Only love sets us free.

Harley Quinn: [Realising what she has to do] Ivy.

Poison Ivy: [Immediately getting it] No.

Harley Quinn: It's okay.

Poison Ivy: Don't, don't do this.

Harley Quinn: Have a good life, get married, make babies. Name them Harley. The girls and boys.

Poison Ivy: Harls!

Harley Quinn: See? It totally works. You know I love you. Bye, Ive.

Two-Face: What, ya gonna write me a ticket?

Commissioner Gordon: A ticket TO HELL!

Victor Zsasz: I would watch the light leave their eyes and know that their last thought was fear. But now I imagine myself in the bubble of calm and the urge to kill goes away.

Commissioner Gordon: [to Barbara] Are you gonna lend a hand or is Batgirl too cool to help her dad in a montage where we skip past the hard parts of beating an alcohol addiction and cut to the part where I'm clean?

Bane: I am not only a judge, I am also a warden.

Man-Bat: [in bat language] God damn it! This is bullshit!

Harley Quinn: Let's not judge a lawyer by the fact he's a bat.

Inner (Para) Demons [2.08]

King Shark: I promised myself I'd never kill an old person. I'd let the American health system do that.

King Shark: There goes my New Year's resolution to not bite my nails or jump into any interdimensional portals.

Dr. Psycho: [excited] I am rock hard right now!

King Shark: That's nasty.

Dr. Psycho: Wait, who are you?

Batgirl: Um, Batgirl. Anyway…

Dr. Psycho: All right. You know what? As a community, we should really get together and start coming up with more creative names. This is bullshit.

Harley Quinn: So I am going to lie very high!

Commissioner Gordon: Citizens of Gotham! You are here today because you have answered the call. We have an opportunity to save our beloved Gotham City and get back our rightful place in the United States. That means clean water, fresh food, and overpriced Internet providers!

Harley Quinn: So I just got to beat up an old lady and I get an army? I can do that.

Poison Ivy: (to Kite Man's parents) You know what? Fuck you guys. Yeah, I said, fuck you. Because first of all, I am the one who messed up the goddamn reservation, okay. Chuck asked me several times not to forget, because for some reason he cares about you two. And then, he took the heat for it because he cares about me, and for some reason, what you two think about me. So, yeah! He's a kind, loving, supportive partner. And the only miracle here is that you two ghouls somehow raised him. And another thing, he's not lucky to have me, I'm lucky to have him! So, fuck off!

Harley Quinn: Probably be best if you turn around your merry band of meatbags.

Commissioner Gordon: And why the hell would I do that?

[Doctor Psycho laughs maniacally from another dimension]

Harley Quinn: Gordo, I have a flying army from a hell planet under my control.

Commissioner Gordon: Well, I made my decision! And I never back down from my decisions. It’s a terrible quality that has ruined most of my personal relationships, so bring it!

Bachelorette [2.09]

King Shark: Are there other part of your argument besides being able to defecate wherever you want?

Nora Fries: I know I'm just a pity invite because you killed my husband.

Poison Ivy: Uh, look, I know this isn't like a friend group so much as, like, a disparate collection of strange women I glommed on to during the most difficult stages of my life, so…

King Shark: I'm picking up some vibes that maybe you don't wanna get married to me.

Tabitha: What gave it away? The fact that I've managed to chain-smoke even though I'm underwater?

Jennifer: Murder? I don't know. I work in life insurance. … These are bottomless, right? [Amazon shakes her head] Okay, let's kill her.

Poison Ivy: This is for selling out nature and women and--

Jennifer: Not having bottomless mimosas.

King Shark: Tabitha and I worked it out. We'll stay married publicly, but we're each allowed to have secret relationships. I mean, sure, we could probably get along and have a very milquetoast marriage, but I don't want that. I wanna be with someone who excites me. Where love isn't safe, the kind of love that doesn't have limits. I want a soulmate.

Dye Hard [2.10]

The Riddler: Riddle me--

Dr. Psycho: [to Riddler] Oh, shut the fuck up! Can't you see I'm trying to elegantly end this conversation with this mechanical fossil?! Good luck getting out again, fuck head!

The Joker: The storybook is real? Where is it?

Harley Quinn: I don't know, but I think you do. Are you sure you can't just remember?

The Joker: It's like I see the book, but… everything else is cloudy.

Harley Quinn: That's disappointing because I really, really, really don't wanna have to do this.

The Joker: Do what?

Harley Quinn: I'll be seein' ya soon, Mistah J.

Dr. Psycho: The point is, I'm gonna do what you never could, because you are a pussy!

Harley Quinn: Pussies are powerful. They birthed all of humanity!

Commissioner Gordon: I was a C-Section.

A Fight Worth Fighting For [2.11]

The Joker: You know, I thought I had the perfect life before I met you. Maiming, killing, causing general chaos. I thought I had it all.

Darkseid: Who interrupts Darkseid's quest for the Anti-Life Equation?

Dr. Psycho: Uh, it is, hmm hmm, I, Dr. Psycho.

Darkseid: Ah, the dwarf who called Wonder Woman a slur that not even I dare utter.

Dr. Psycho: Gah, that was, like, two years ago. Also, "dwarf" is considered a slur, just FYI. This isn't 'Wizard of Oz'.

Bethany: That's fuckin' ridiculous.

The Joker: Is it any more ridiculous than pointing that gun at my face? The gun you think little Sofia and Benicio don't know about? The gun you've never loaded or shot in your life? [The Joker takes the gun away] Soy yo, pudding.

Bethany: Mi corazon.

The Joker: Lots of dads are serial killers. I'm not going to change who I am.

The Joker: Bethany and I used to cuddle just like that. God, we could just sit on the couch and talk about nothing for hours. We just got each other. She always had my back. … Good God! That's true love.

Dr. Psycho: All right. I'm gonna make this quick. When I was a little boy, my mother brought me to the county fair. There was a Ferris Wheel, a big, beautiful thing, and you had to be a certain height to ride it. And, of course, I was too short. But, my mother would always say, 'Patience, Eddie! I'm sure next year you're gonna be big enough!' Let me tell you right now - the next year rolled around, and I hadn't gotten any taller. Years went by. I hung upside down from my ankles for hours. I took growth hormones. Anything to ride that big wheel in the sky! I never did get there. But then, one day, somethin' very unexpected happened. All those people fell to their death! And it was a RUSH! I thought it was so satisfying to watch all those people die! And that's when I decided to hate women.

Darkseid: I'm not sure that tracks.

The Joker: I wanna give this a shot. ¿Y tú, mi amor?

Lovers' Quarrel [2.12]

Batman: [In flirty tone] Wonder Woman, you look bangin'.

Harley Quinn: What?

Wonder Woman: Batman, are those pecs real or is it just the suit? [Giggles]

Harley Quinn: Gross.

Superman: These pecs are definitely real. Give them a grab. Don't-a be shy.

Harley Quinn: Oh, gross! Did you just spray them with Ivy's love pheromones?!

Wonder Woman: [In seductive tone] Maybe we should see what's under these costumes. [Giggles seductively]

Harley Quinn: Or not! A lot of not! PLEASE, NOT!

Wonder Woman: [After lassoing a Parademon] I'll only ask once: where is Dr. Psycho?

[Parademon screeches. Confused, Wonder Woman turns to Superman]

Superman: Oh, what, because I'm an alien, I understand all alien languages? [Wonder Woman's eyes widen] OK, I know a little Parademon, but it's still a racist assumption. Be better.

[Wonder Woman rolls her eyes]

Bane: [upon seeing the projection of Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy having sex] I had a feeling. The tension was palpable.

The Joker: [upon seeing the projection of Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy having sex] Oh-ho-ho! She's still limber!

King Shark: [upon seeing the projection of Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy having sex] Oh, this is gonna affect the crew dynamic in a messy and complicated manner.

Harley Quinn: I sometimes can't get over the fact that Ivy has sex with you.

Kite Man: Oh. She does.

Superman: Poison Ivy, we know that you're under Doctor Psycho's mind-control. So I give you this warning. I, Kal-El, do say-

Wonder Woman: We don't wanna have to take you out but if you don't give us another option, we will. That's what he was getting to.

Kite Man: My kite senses are fluttering.

Darkseid: Darkseid is... leaving.

Harley Quinn: Ivy, you call me out on all my bullshit but you don't judge me for it. We have fun wether we're sitting on the couch or murdering a group of investment bankers. You showed me what the best version of myself could be and... and you held me to it. I'm in love with you. I wanna to be with you and... and yes, it might be messy, it might not work. It might even destroy our friendship forever, but love is a risk. I'd rather risk our friendship than pretend these feelings aren't real. You see, you don't give up on love, Ive. Take a risk, take leap of faith and be with me.

Dr. Psycho: Oh, I need a cigarette.

[passes out]

Something Borrowed Something Green [2.13]

Frank the Plant: [banging in a florist van] Pollen season in this bitch! POLLEN SEASON!

Harley Quinn: [driving] Where's the exit?

Poison Ivy: Oh, for the shit of shits! This is why I didn't want to get married here, the parking lot is a damn maze!

Poison Ivy: Chuck, I hate that I hurt you. You know, you deserve everything.

Harley Quinn: If I can't fuck up Ivy's wedding, no one can!

King Shark: Wedding are a joyful occasion. You know, unless you're one of the bridesmaids.

Poison Ivy: Okay, let's do this!

Kite Man: Hell, NO!

Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy: What?

Kite Man: I should have known the third time I proposed, every step in our relationship I've had to do over, and over, and OVER! And-and-and I'm not... after all of this, I am NOT redoing my wedding!

Poison Ivy: Don't... don't you want to marry me?

Kite Man: Of course I do! But you don't! I saw your face during the vows, and I knew your heart wasn't in it. I may be simple, but I'm not a fool. It is hard for me to finally admit it, but since you refused to, I will. I'm not the person for you!

Poison Ivy: No... ah, shit...

Kite Man: Like you said, Ivy, I deserve the best.

[Kite Man flies off]

Commissioner Gordon: I got into public service to shoot bad guys, allowing for the occasional accidental shooting of an innocent because no one's perfect!

Two-Face: I can run your whole campaign from behind bars, like a real campaign manager.

Harley Quinn: I'm really sorry, Ivy! Kite Man will come around, he always does!

Poison Ivy: Yeah, but you know what? I won't! I mean, he's right! I've been denying a lot of myself for a long time! I guess, I guess it seemed easier for me to just go along with it, you know? And now I realize I hurt a lot of people delaying the inevitable!

Harley Quinn: Well, people change, Ive!

Poison Ivy: Yeah! Yeah, people DO change! I mean look at you, what you did for me today! You... you showed me the Harley I always wanted to see, you know?

Harley Quinn: You... you don't think I'm chaotic, crazy and make a bunch of messes?

Poison Ivy: No, you definitely do that. But you're trying to grow, and actually doing it! And that... I mean, for me, that is what matters!

Harley Quinn: I love you, Ive!

Poison Ivy: [smiles] I love you too, Harls.

Poison Ivy: Keep your eyes on the road! I love you, but Jesus...!