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Garfield and Friends

American animated television series with characters from the Garfield and U.S. Acres comic strips

Quotes from GarfieldEdit

  • "Neither rain, nor snow, nor gloom of night--nor cat with bad disposition--will stay this clown from his appointed rounds." ~Binky
  • Binky: HEEEEEEEEYYYY, CAT!!! I'm Binky the Clown! Is this the home of Mrs. Edna Fogarty?
    Garfield: ...No.
    Binky: I'm here to wish her a happy 97th birthday!
    Garfield: If he does, Edna won't make 98.
    Binky: "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday. Whoop-de-doo, whoop-de-doo. May your day be pleasant. Open up your present just for you, just for you." [from Peace and Quiet]
  • "People who sing like that should be drugged out into the street and shot. Or worse, listen to a recording of themselves singing. - Garfield
  • Jon: Well guys, how would you like to experience something real scary?
    Garfield: Hmmm, Jon's gonna sing.
    Jon: Something so spooky you'll never get over it.
    Garfield: Hmmm, he's gonna sing and dance.
  • Jon: Don't you realize how wrong it was to try and mail Nermal to Abu Dhabi?
    Garfield: You're right. Egypt's further.
  • Garfield: Are there any questions?
    Audience member: Uh, yeah! Is wrestling fixed?
    Garfield: Excuse me. I should have asked, "Are there any intelligent questions? [from All About Odie]
  • "Anyone who sings like that should be drug out into the street and shot. Or worse, made to listen to a tape of themselves." ~Garfield [from Garfield's Moving Experience]
  • "Garfield's been a very bad dog lately. I'm gonna teach him a lesson she'll never forget." ~Jon [from Mistakes Will Happen]
  • Garfield: [to Odie] Can you imagine Pete trying to scare us?
    Odie: [actually speaking] I don't know, I'm kinda scared. [from Mistakes Will Happen]
  • Jon: Garfield! How did you get here?
    Garfield: Knowing you, it was probably economy coach.
  • "What luck. Jon finally gets a decent quantity of food in the house and it had to be yogurt." ~Garfield [from Twice Told Tale]
  • "You should never say, 'Things can't possibly get any worse.' Things'll always find a way." ~Garfield
  • Garfield's "Abu Dhabi" song to Nermal:
    Abu Dhabi, it's far away
    Abu Dhabi, that's where you'll stay
    Abu Dhabi, the place to be
    For any kitten who's annoying me, yeah!
    Abu Dhabi, it's off the track
    Abu Dhabi, now don't come back
    Abu Dhabi, it's quite a thrill
    For any kitten who can make me ill!
    Now some take a train, and some take a plane
    But I am sending you
    Not on a boat, or even by goat
    But in a box marked "Postage Due"
    Abu Dhabi, you're what they lack
    Abu Dhabi, now you're all packed
    Abu Dhabi, a far commute
    For any kitten who is too darn cute!
  • "That's the mad scientist's assistant, Igor. Mad scientists' assistants are always named Igor. It's, like, a law." ~Garfield
  • "For a while, [Binky] even hosted the wrestling matches. The wrestlers complained he was loud, they couldn't study their scripts." ~Garfield [from Binky Gets Cancelled, Again!]
  • "You know what the sad part is? This is the sixth time Jon's taken me camping, and it's still the most fun I've ever had." ~Garfield [from The Bear Facts]
  • "...Look what you've found. Do you know what this is, Odie? No, it's not a ball. It's the Klopman Diamond. A priceless gem, as well as a pointless running gag on a popular Saturday morning cartoon series." ~Garfield
  • TV announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Odie and Friends!
    Garfield: Odie and Friends? ...We are very close to the end of civilization as we know it.
    Floyd: What a disgusting, insulting, unfair TV show. Bet it's a hit, though. [from Attention Getting Garfield]
  • Garfield: Where's the ball, Odie? Stupid creatures love to fetch a ball.
    Jon: (angrily walks up with the ball) You're annoying us, Garfield.
    Garfield: Like I said.
  • Judge: "Order in the court."
    Binky: I'll have a ham on rye. Hold the mayo! (laughs)
    Garfield: That's the real Binky.
    Judge: Arrest that phony!
    Stinky Davis: Hey, you can't do this to me! I'll get you for this, cat!
    Garfield: The real Binky could never resist a very old joke. [from Binky Goes Bad]
  • "In the history of mankind, no two people have ever been able to agree on the toppings for pizza." ~Garfield [from Binky Gets Cancelled, Again!]
  • "This will scare the pants off those three or my name isn't June Arburkle!" ~Jon
  • "You! You're not Sylvia! You're one of the Kung-Fu Creatures on the Rampage!... Two!" ~Man in the movie Kung-Fu Creatures on the Rampage II [from Video Airlines]
  • "If this guy's a lawman, then I'm a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle." ~Garfield [from Speed Trap]
  • "A beautiful woman is interested in Jon and you're asking what's wrong? How long have you been on this show?" ~Garfield, to Odie
  • "I'll see your horse, and raise you... a grand piano... and the mayor of Davenport, Iowa!" ~Garfield during a game of poker [from The Lasagna Zone]
  • "Kids! Check your TV listings. Make sure this isn't the last episode!" ~Garfield
  • Floyd: Just remember this moment, Garfield, 'cause there'll eventually come the day you'll beg me to do this show. But you know what? I won't be available. I'll be working for, uh, Disney or somebody.
    Garfield: Who's he kidding? Disney's up to here with mice on their contract. [from The Floyd Story]
  • "Good morning. Sometimes, on the show, we like to teach you something a little educational. No, no! Don't change the channel! It's not that educational!" ~Garfield
  • "Let me think how to solve this. Maybe I can call the Ghostbusters! Nah... that show was cancelled." ~Garfield [from Ghost of a Chance]
  • Jon: Garfield, come back here with that! I said you could have a light snack.
    Garfield: This is a light snack! A big snack includes soup. [from Beddy Buy]
  • "This is much better than sending him to Abu Dhabi, and it saves on stamps." ~Garfield, after locking Nermal in a jail cell [from Well-Fed Feline]
  • Jon: We'll go to that new multiplex in town. They have 37 screens.
    Garfield: All of which will be showing Kung-Fu Creatures on the Rampage 2. [from Video Airlines]
  • "Odie, that is not a watch. That is a head of cabbage. There is a difference." ~Garfield [from Dirty Business]
  • Jon: I'll put a stop to this or my name is mud!
    Garfield: "Mud" should be back any minute now.
    Jon: (returns, covered with mud on his face) Hello, my name is Mud.
    Garfield: We were expecting you. [ from Dirty Business]
  • Jon: Garfield look at you! You need to get in shape!
    Garfield: Round is a shape.
  • Garfield: [to viewers] From time to time on this show, we like to bring you something a little educational. [a hand holding a remote control appears, startling Garfield] No, no! Don't change channels! It's not that educational.
  • Garfield (to Odie) Rule number 1 in being a sidekick. Never dress better than the hero. [from The Caped Avenger]
  • Jon: It is a great honor to be in your presence, Your Highness.
    Sultan: Oh, you don't have to call me Your Highness. Now, you can call me Ali. Or you can call me Wally. Or you can call me Ben. Or you can call me Benny. Or you can call me Ali Ben. Or you can call me Ali Ben, Jr. Or you can call me Junior. Or you can call me Ali, Jr. Or you can call me Sonny. Or you can call me Ali Benny, Jr. Or you can call me Junie. Or you can call Johnny. Or you can call me Benjie. Or you can call me Benjie, Jr. Or you can call me Ray. Or you can call me Jay. Or you can call me Ray Jay. Or you can call me R.J.J. [from Ally Katta and the 40 Thieves]
  • Jon: That's not a hot dog! That's a hot dog truck! I hope you feel like a complete idiot! [from the quickie Hot Dog Truck]

Quotes from U.S. AcresEdit

  • Wade: It's National Don't Mention Meat Or Someone Will Hit You With a Banana Cream Pie Day! If you mention a kind of meat, someone will hit you with a banana cream pie!
    Roy: What? You mean I'll get hit with a banana cream pie if I mention, oh say, prime rib? (a pie hits him) That's a lot of baloney! (another pie hits him) Who do I complain to? I have a real beef! (a third pie hits him) Y'know what?! There's just too much at stake! (a fourth pie hits him) I said stake. S-T-A-K-E. Not steak, S-T-E-A-K. (a fifth pie hits him)
    (After Roy has quit the show) Wade: Roy's quit for good? Oh, now we are in a stew! (Hit with a pie)
    Orson: Wade, that's what you get for being so frank. (Hit with a pie) [from Big Bad Buddy Bird]
  • Orson: ...Maybe you'll look like me.
    Sheldon: Are you trying to scare me? [from Shell Shocked Sheldon]
  • Booker: Roy, why are you playing the wake-up call now? It's nine-thirty!
    Roy: I'm on daylight savings' time. [from Return of Power Pig]
  • "Hello, I'm Big Bad Buddy Bird. I never agree with the group. I set a bad example for impressionable children everywhere." ~Roy [from Big Bad Buddy Bird]
  • Booker: Let's turn [the princess in the changed Cinderella story] into a cowgirl.
    Sheldon: No, a spacesuit. She's an astronaut.
    Booker: Even better, let's make her a race car driver and she's got an evil twin.
    Orson: No, she's a princess and there's only one of her!
    [from Bedtime Story Blues]
  • "You will lose all your feathers during a total eclipse on Arbor day while listening to The Marine Corps Band playing "Home on the range" and watching a badminton match between two guys named Ichabod." ~Roy's fortune cookie [from Fortune Kooky]
  • Wade: Roy, your favorite show is on!
    Roy: Garfield and Friends?! [from Badtime Story]
  • "And so Chicken Licken, Cocky Locky, Ducky Wucky, Piggy Wiggy, Sheepy Creepy, Lamby Wamby, Puppy Wuppy, Goosey Poosey, Horsey Worsey, Weasel Geasel, Turkey Lurkey, Hawky Tawky, Foxy Woxy, Eggy Leggy, Wooly Bully, Catty Fatty, Beaver Cleaver, Wormy Squirmy, Hoggy Woggy, Rooster Shooster, Fishy Wishy, Apey Wapey, Toady Woady, Mallard Ballard, Hippo Zippo, Mousey Wousey, and Chicky Wicky all went to see the king." ~Wade, reading Chicken Licken
    [from Badtime Story]
  • Roy: Read to the chicks? I can do that.
    Wade: As can I! I wanna read to them.
    Roy: I'm going to read to them.
    Wade: No, I'm going to read to them.
    Roy: Au contraire, ducko.
    Wade: I don't care if you can speak Spanish, I'm still gonna read to them!
    [from Badtime Story]
  • "[The CD is] stuck! That's what I get for buying a stereo from a horse." ~Roy [from Wanted: Wade]
  • Roy: At this rate, I'll be done [putting the grain back in the silo] in time for Christmas.
    Sheldon: What year?
    Roy: That I'm not sure of. [from Unidentified Flying Orson]
  • Wade: Everyone thinks I'm a coward, and I resent it.
    Orson: Wade, you are a coward.
    Wade: That's why I resent it. [from Shy Fly Guy]
  • Orson: Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
    Roy: No more than usual.
  • "You are bullies! You are nasty swines, you are. I would say that you are not fit to eat with pigs, except for the fact that you are pigs." ~Wade, confronting Orson's brothers [from Show Stoppers]
  • Orson: Now I'd like to do a little dance for you.
    Roy: Don't! My earthquake insurance isn't paid up.
    Orson: I am not fat! I have the body of a supreme athlete!
    Roy: Well, give it back! You're getting it all stretched out of shape.
    Orson: Roy, aren't you supposed to be selling tickets at the door?
    Roy: What? And miss my chance to heckle you, Pignose?
    Orson: well in that case, I won't dance."[The entire audience applauds] [from Show Stoppers]
  • Booker: What do you get when you cross a lasagna-loving cat with a bunch of zany farm animals?
    Sheldon: You get picked up for another season. [from Show Stoppers]
  • "Man, I wish I had a line in this episode." ~Bo [from Cock-a-Doodle Dandy]
  • Roy: Orson! The chickens is missing!
    Orson: Shouldn't that be the chickens are missing? You see, chickens is plural, so of course you need a plural verb--
    Roy: Oh, great! The weasel has the chickens, and you're teaching grammar! [from The Bunny Rabbits Is Coming!]
  • "What do you mean this is the only show you could get me on? Isn't Hanna-Barbera casting? What about cable? I heard they're doing a funny version of Ren and Stimpy." ~Roy, talking on phone to Bernie [from The Incredibly Stupid Swamp Monster]
  • Orson: (reading Rumpelstiltskin) After the king let the son out, the little man offered the son a deal.
    Rumpelstiltskin (Roy): You can keep your VCR if you can guess my name.
    Miller's son (Wade): Guess your name? Ha! That oughta be a cinch! Is it Fred?
    Rumpelstiltskin: No.
    Miller's son: Sam?
    Rumpelstiltskin: No.
    Miller's son: Elliot?
    Rumpelstiltskin: Nope!
    Miller's son: Jason?
    Rumpelstiltskin: No way.
    Orson: The son just kept on guessing far into the night...
    Miller's son: Irving? Floyd? Ichabod? Michael? Sidney? John? Paul? George? Ringo? Larry? Moe? Curly? Shemp? Howie? Frank?
    Rumpelstiltskin: Nope.
    Orson: ...but without success.
    Miller's son: Arbuthnot? Trallfaz? Sting? Prince? Engelburt?
    Rumpelstiltskin: Sorry, you only get one more guess.
    Pizzaman (Bo): Hey, like, hi there, Rumpelstiltskin. Qué pasa?
    Miller's son: I know it! I know your name! Your name is...
    Roy: (grabs the book from Orson) But before the duck-son could say the name, a hurricane came up!
    Orson: A hurricane!?
    Roy: Yes, a hurricane. And it blew the duck away, so he couldn't take his VCR back.
    Wade: Uno momento!
    Orson: Guys!
    Wade: Then a spaceship came by! And it rescued the handsome duck and flew him back to reclaim his VCR.
    Orson: Guys, stop this!
    Roy: But the rooster was determined to get it back with the aid of his trained dinosaurs!
    Orson: Trained dinosaurs? Where did the trained dinosaurs come from?
    Roy: Same place all those ninjas came from.
    Wade: But then the Third Marine Division landed with their Anti-Trained Dinosaur Squadron.
    Roy: But the Mole People were too smart for the Marines!
    Orson: Guys! [from The Name Game]
  • Wade: (looks at the "U.S. Acres Quickie" logo) Orson, what's a quickie?
    Orson: It's a short joke.
    Booker: (entering) I don't like jokes about being short!
    Orson: Well, it's not a joke about being short, Booker; it's a joke that is short.
    Roy: (entering with Bo) But couldn't you do a short joke about someone being short?
    Bo: You could even do a long joke about someone being short.
    Roy: Then that'd be a long short joke!
    Orson: Enough already! A quickie is a joke that's only 45 seconds, and it's--
    Sheldon: (entering) Time's up!
    Wade: (as the camera fades out) Shucks! I never found out what a quickie was.
  • Roy: (considering moving onto the Buddy Bears' show) You [the Buddy Bears] won't hit me with pies?
    Bobby Buddy Bear: Oh no!
    Billy Buddy Bear: We never hit anyone with pies!
    Bertie Buddy Bear: That's not educational and uplifting!
    All Buddy Bears: We never do anything that's not educational and uplifting! [from Big Bad Buddy Bird]
  • Maurice: I take people into fantasy sequences and show them what the world would be like if they had never lived.
    Wade: Oh yeah. Like that movie they show seven million times every Christmas. [from It's A Wonderful Wade]
  • Roy: Orson, tell me the name of the new worker in the tool shed.
    Orson: What.
    Roy: Tell me the name of the new worker in the tool shed.
    Orson: What.
    Roy: Who is the guy in the tool shed?!
    Orson: No, Who is fixing the roof.
    Roy: [grabbing the clipboard] I don't care about the roof! Where is the name of the guy in the shed?
    Orson: No, Where is the name of the guy plowing the field.
    Roy: Who's plowing the field?
    Orson: No, Who's fixing the roof.
    Wade: Orson, what is the name of the guy fixing the roof?
    Orson: No, What is the name of the guy cleaning the tool shed.
    Wade: Who's cleaning the tool shed?!
    Orson: No, Who's fixing the roof.
    Roy: Who is the guy plowing the field?!
    Orson: No, Who is fixing the roof. Where is the guy plowing the field.
    Roy: How should I know?! What is his name?!
    Orson: No, What is the name of the brother cleaning the shed.
    Wade: Whose brother?
    Orson: Of course.
    Roy: Orson, who is fixing the roof, what is the name of the guy cleaning the shed, and where is the other brother?!
    Orson: You finally got it. [from Who Done It?]
  • Judge Orson: Wade Duck, you are charged with tearing the tag off a pillow. How do you plead?
    Wade: I did it! I did it! I'm glad I did it! [Laughs maniacally] And I'd do it again.
    Judge: I sentence you to 9,999 years in prison!
    Wade: [Sighs] At least I didn't get life.[from Wanted: Wade!]
  • "Warning! Do not remove this tag under penalty of law. Penal code 7756". [The tag Wade pulled off Orson's couch, from Wanted: Wade!]
  • Aloysius: Just what do you think you're doing here, may I ask?
    Orson: Oh, we're doing our version of the book Doctor Zhivago by Boris Pasternak.
    Aloysius: This is a cartoon show, not Masterpiece Theatre. Strike the set! [From Kiddie Korner]

Garfield's Introductory LinesEdit

  • "You folks have this confused. I'm real, and you're animated." [from Episode 1]
  • "I just checked the TV listings; I'm the only thing on right now." [from Episode 2]
  • "Smart kids watch this show; other kids change the channel." [from Episode 3]
  • "Maybe not as funny as pro wrestling, but a lot more realistic." [from Episode 4]
  • "This show is K-rated - no adults unless accompanied by a kid." [from Episode 5]
  • "Pay careful attention, everyone; there'll be a quiz later." [from Episode 6]
  • "The Garfield Guarantee - no giant robots or annoying little blue people." [from Episode 7]
  • "So if someone wants you to change the channel, kids, just say no." [from Episode 8]
  • "Don't forget, kids, look both ways before crossing your teacher." [from Episode 9]
  • "Hey, Heathcliff! Eat your heart out!" [from Episode 10]
  • "Beware of imitations, accept no substitutes. Batteries not included." [from Episode 11]
  • "You notice how every week I say something different here?" [from Episodes 12, 43, 61]
  • "Hey you, the kid who missed last week's show! You'd better have a good excuse." [from Episodes 13, 46, 48, 63]
  • "I suppose you're all wondering why I asked you here today." [from Episodes 14 and 15]
  • "And just remember what you paid to get in." [from Episodes 16, 17, 40, and 69]
  • "A funny thing happened to me on my way to my cartoon show." [from Episodes 18 and 19]
  • "Hey you, chewing the gum! I hope you brought enough for everybody." [from Episodes 20 and 21]
  • "Eat and be lazy, kids, and someday you'll have your own show too." [from Episodes 22 and 23]
  • "Sell your remote control. I'm the best thing on." [from Episodes 24 and 25]
  • "I can't believe we get away with this every week." [from Episodes 26 and 27]
  • "Today featuring Binky the Clown, so turn up the volume, kids!" [from Episodes 28 and 29]
  • "Don't try any of this at home, kids. We're professionals." [from Episodes 30 and 31]
  • "Wouldn't I make a great ventriloquist? My lips never move." [from Episodes 32 and 33]
  • "This offer void where prohibited. Some restrictions may apply. Batteries not included." [from Episodes 34 and 35]
  • "We've got to stop that chicken from writing on my logo every week." [from Episodes 36 and 37]
  • "Garfield and Friends is taped in front of an animated studio audience." [from Episodes 38 and 39]
  • "And a special hello to all you wonderful Nielsen families out there." [from Episode 41]
  • "And pay attention; there'll be a test at the end." [from Episodes 42, 59]
  • "Change channels and you'll never see your dog again." [from Episode 44]
  • "Today's show is brought to you by the letter K and the number 9." [from Episode 45]
  • "It doesn't start until the fat lady screams." [from Episodes 47 and 55]
  • "My lips never move. Wouldn't I make a great ventriloquist?" [from Episodes 49. 65]
  • "I'd like to buy a vowel, please." [from Episode 50]
  • "In a moment, I'll wave my finger and the music will stop." [from Episode 51]
  • "I'll be back right after they sell you stuff." [from Episode 52]
  • "Enough of this entertainment jazz; let's have some commercials." [from Episode 53]
  • "Here are some commercials and then, more of me." [from Episode 56]
  • "Garfield and Friends will be right back. At least I'll be." [from Episode 57]
  • "The Buddy Bears are on the show today, folks, so keep that channel changer handy." [from Episode 58]
  • "Just think of me as like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Pussycat." [from Episode 60]
  • "This show is the only possible reason for getting up this early." [from Episode 62]
  • "Thank you. You know, a funny thing happened to me on the way to the cartoon show." [from Episode 64]
  • "I'm sick of those singers. Can we get some, like, Elvis impersonators for next week?" [from Episode 66]
  • "Welcome to my world. Did you bring food?" [from Episode 67]
  • "Hey, I'll return the favor. When you get your own cartoon show, I'll watch." [from Episode 68]
  • "Serving cartoon watchers the world over since 1988." [from Episode 70]
  • "This show is the most fun you can have without marinara sauce." [from Episode 71]
  • "When they invented television, this is pretty much what they had in mind." [from Episode 72]
  • "I haven't had so much fun since Nermal fell in the mud." [from Episode 73]
  • "The following is made possible by a grant from the Lasagna Manufacturers of America." [from Episode 74]
  • "Today's show is dedicated to loyal and courageous pizza delivery persons everywhere." [from Episode 75]
  • "If you can find a better show on television, watch it!" [from Episode 76]
  • "If this show were any more entertaining, we'd be on Pay-Per-View." [from Episode 77]
  • "If you like this show, tell a friend. If you don't like it, my name is Heathcliff." [from Episode 78]
  • "Where else can you get this much comedy for your viewing dollar?" [from Episode 79]
  • "The only cartoon show that comes with a double-your-money-back guarantee." [from Episode 80]
  • "And for my next trick, I will make the rest of the show magically appear!" [from Episode 81]
  • "We're environmentally sound; all of today's jokes are recycled from last week's show." [from Episode 82]
  • "Reproductions of the accounts and descriptions of this cartoon show is prohibited." [from Episode 83]
  • "And make sure you stick around after the show for the big cast party." [from Episode 84]
  • "If you could only watch one TV show this year, this is the one to watch." [from Episode 85]
  • "Hey, you could watch some other show, but why would you want to?" [from Episode 86]
  • "And don't let your dog watch this show. It's too good for him." [from Episode 87]
  • "Today's show is brought to you in color unless the artists ran out of crayons." [from Episode 88]
  • "You'll like today's show, folks. No Binky, no Nermal, no Buddy Bears - just a lot of me." [from Episode 89]
  • "Today's show is inspected for your safety by number 29." [from Episodes 90 and 95]
  • "Don't bother checking NBC, kids. They're not running cartoons anymore." [from Episode 91, although replaced with the quote above it]
  • "Everything else you watch on TV this week will just be anti-climatic." [from Episodes 91 and 94]
  • "If a tree falls while our sound effects man is at lunch, does it make a sound?" [from Episodes 92 and 93]
  • "Penelope's back today, folks. Some women just can't get enough of me." [from Episodes 96 and 97]
  • "Critics agree - of all the TV shows on today, this is probably one of them." [from Episodes 98 and 99]
  • "Think of a number between 1 and 10. The number you're thinking of is 7." [from Episodes 100 and 101]
  • "And keep watching, or we'll have to change into a shopping network and sell bad jewelry." [from Episodes 102 and 104]
  • "Today is Hit-a-Duck-in-the-Face-With-a-Lemon-Meringue-Pie Day! We'll explain later." [from Episodes 103 and 105]
  • "I was gonna do something spontaneous here, but I've been too busy to plan it." [from Episodes 106, 109, 119 and 120]
  • "The cartoon show to watch when you won't settle for just any cartoon show." [from Episodes 107, 108, and 113]
  • "The funniest show on TV that doesn't have a 1-800 number to buy cheap junk." [from Episode 110]
  • "Today, featuring the return of the Singing Ants! Boy, they have a good agent." [from Episode 111]
  • "Penelope is singing today, folks, so don't leave any expensive glassware near the TV." [From Episode 112]
  • "Today, a Saturday morning investigative report - where did all those Smurfs go?" [from Episode 114]
  • "This show is the answer. Unfortunately, no one's figured out the question yet." [From Episode 115]
  • "Today, a look into our writer's joke file! That's right, we examine both jokes." [from Episodes 116 and 119]
  • "The longest-running show on this channel, except for the news which is unfortunately funnier." [from Episode 117]
  • "Today, an encore performance of our report 'Are There Too Many Reruns on Cartoon Shows'?" [from Episode 118]
  • "After seven seasons, we've pretty much said everything you can say in this spot." [From the final episode]

List of Garfield's Annoying ThingsEdit

  1. Slippery stage floors
  2. People on TV who forget their script
  3. Anchovies on pizza (Putting anchovies on pizza is either a felony or should be.)
  4. Door-to-door alligator salesmen (We have quite all the alligators we need, thank you.)
  5. People who make you watch home movies of their goldfish. (This must come to a screeching halt.)
  6. Nermal (Need I say more?)
  7. That kid who reminds the teacher she forgot to assign homework.
  8. Those little cards that fall out of magazines.
  9. "So... what's your sign?"
  10. "Mind if I share an experience with you?"
  11. "I really need to know where my head is at." (Try looking above your shoulders on that little neck-like thing.)
  12. "Let's savor the moment."
  13. People who carry around pictures of their power tools.
  14. People who leave their Christmas decorations up until July.
  15. People who put them up in August.
  16. Nermal. (Again.)
  17. Doggie tongue. (Very dangerous.)
  18. The instruction man— Being interrupted in the middle of your show.
  19. Those instruction manuals that come with things that have to be assembled.
  20. Dogs. Dogs stink! They're stupid! They're useless! They're... They're... (Later revealed to be written by Nermal.)
  21. Guys who don't know when to get off-camera.

The Picnic PanicEdit

Jon: On a sunny Tuesday, we took a little hike...
Garfield: deep within the mountains and a lake we kinda like.
Jon: We brought along a picnic lunch we thought would last a day.
Garfield: Providing that we stop at several diners on the way.
Jon: We packed up each necessity and took it to the spot.
Garfield: Except, of course, for ketchup which Jon Arbuckle forgot.
Jon: The picnic would be perfect. You could tell that at a glance.
Garfield and Jon: Unless, of course, we ran into a colony of ants.
Ants: Oh, we're the ants who ruin your dinner
We're always here to mess up any day
When we're around, every camper gets thinner
Cause if we get the chance, we will take your food away
Jon: I told my pets we should all go for a run
The cat said he would take a nap until we both were done
We started running, but one thought had me concerned
I warned him not to touch the food until we both returned
Garfield: I made a solemn promise not to eat a single crumb
And then they both went jogging, which I frankly think is dumb
I settled down to have a sleep and practice self-control
And didn't notice our lunch was going for a stroll
Ants: Oh, we're the ants who plunder and steal
We leave each camper hungry and distraught
When we're around, you won't get a meal
Cause if we get the chance, we will eat the stuff you brought
Garfield: I dreamed of eating most everything I saw
And woke up with a craving for a sandwich and some slaw
But, when I reached, I instead got something weird
It seemed as though our picnic lunch had up and disappeared
I couldn't find it anywhere, I didn't have a hunch
Except that Jon would blame me for the absence of our lunch
I knew I was in trouble and I felt the nervous chill
And then I saw our picnic doing 90 up a hill
Ants: Oh, we're the ants who take your bologna
We're always very tedious and shrewd
We'll steal the cheese off your macaroni
Cause if we get the chance, we will run off with your food
Garfield: I hurried after our lightning-footed snack
I guess they saw me coming cause they quickly doubled back
I followed closely the smell of layer cake
And found I took a shortcut that led right into the lake
They thought that I'd surrendered just as soon as I got dry
But I caught the scent of Jon's banana pudding pie
I thought I saw them hiding right behind a bunch of trees
But found instead I dove into a hive of honeybees
Oh, we're the ants who leave you starving
We'll clean you out, no matter when or how
When we're around, don't bother carving
Cause if we get the chance, we will take away your chow
Garfield: I could just imagine what Jon was gonna say
Jon: (speaking) You promised not to eat the food while we were both away
Garfield: He wouldn't understand that I'd attempted to give chase
I tried to find their secret stolen picnic hiding place
I only found an empty basket underneath a shrub
But maybe I could make like I was someone else's grub
I did my best to sound just like a BLT on rye
And pretty soon they heard it and the ants came running by
Ants: Oh, we're the ants who leave you hollow
We're on call each day and every night
When we're around, you don't get a swallow
Cause if we get the chance, we will not leave you a bite
Garfield: I thought they'd fallen for my inventive scheme
Instead they took the basket and they threw it in the stream
I zoomed along the river like a Wabash cannonball
The river, I am sad to say, contained a waterfall
I sputtered and I struggled and I very nearly drowned
It took a lot of swimming, but I made it to the ground
I staggered for our campground which was somewhere to the east
The ants all celebrated by enjoying quite a feast
Ants: Oh, we're the ants who make you diet
You may think you can eat your lunch and split
When we're around, don't even try it
Cause if we get the chance, we will mop up every bit
Garfield: When I got back, Jon had finished up his jog
He came back to the campsite with the dumb and hungry dog
Jon: I had a real craving for some sandwiches and pie
The lack of any lunch around did not escape my eye
Garfield: He said a lot of angry things it's best I don't repeat
I tried to tell him 'bout the ants that took away our meat
Jon: I said I thought his story sounded absolutely fake
Garfield:The ants came to my rescue and they threw him in the lake
Ants: Oh, we're the ants who took your salad
We didn't even leave an I.O.U.
When we're around, your plans are invalid
Cause if we get the chance, we will gobble up your stew
Jon: (speaking) So there we were, many miles from a store
Our stomachs all were empty as we stood there by the shore
I said (still speaking) "We should head home, for whatever we could find"
The cat said we should go ahead, but he would stay behind
Garfield: I went to see the insects for a favor they could grant
And asked them to accept me as an honorary ant
I knew Jon wouldn't understand and neither would the pup
(speaking) If you can't beat an enemy, consider joining up
Garfield with Ants: Oh, we're the ants who ruin your dinner
We're always here to mess up any day
When we're around, every camper gets thinner
And if we get the chance, we will take your food away
Onlooker:(spoken) That's the second biggest ant I ever saw!

(Garfield and ants repeat last chorus)

The Ocean BlueEdit

Three weeks ago, maybe four
A man named Jon took his pets to the shore
He packed a picnic much larger than most
Which quickly vanished en route to the coast
Jon went swimming when they got to the beach
When suddenly he heard somebody screech
A man who worked on a nearby pier
Yelled that a shark had been sighted 'round here
From the water, Jon quickly fled
And he decided to go fishing instead
Jon: [chuckles] Wading is fine, but I'd really rather go fishing.
Garfield: Gee, I wonder why.
He set his tackle and his fishing gear up
And that's when the kitty turned and said to the pup
"The only thing that Jon will catch is a cold.
I have a hunger that must be controlled."
That's when the Odie dog happened to note
The harbor's pizza delivery boat
On a yacht or on a canoe
To order pizza here's what you should do
Send up a flag and they'll bring one to you
Out there on the ocean blue
(Piping hot pizza, man)
You can order a pizza with ease
Just raise up a flag for a jumbo with cheese
A red pennant brings a mushroom-sardine
For pepperoni just run up the green
Two silver flags means that garlic's a must
Just run up a yellow for extra thick crust
A man with a mustache who works on the cove
Prepares your order right on the stove
You will receive it by ship or by barge
In 30 minutes or there is no charge
Hearing this caused the cat to decide,
"I think we oughta go for a ride"
Odie: Uh-uh, uh-uh.
But despite the poor puppy dog's plea
They found a boat and they put out to sea
Though neither one of the pets could steer
Or were aware of a visitor near
The way to sail, they hadn't a clue
The cat and the puppy were quite in a stew
Without a captain or even a crew
Out there on the ocean blue
(Oh, they in big trouble, man)
They try to order a pizza by flag
But almost at once they ran into a snag
Garfield said, "I just cannot recall,
Does gray get you olives or a spicy meatball?
Sausage is orange or maybe chartreuse
No, wait. The pink was Canadian bacon
Or was that the stripes? No, the stripes were for zebra."
And all of the time they were motoring loose
Watching them sail from up on the dock
Jonathan Arbuckle went into shock
"Those are my pets!" we heard Arbuckle say.
"They're in a boat and they're floating away!"
Arbuckle ran out to yell to their ship
And that is when he embarked on a trip
Jonathan found himself soaring through air
Fortunately, they were sailing past there
That's when he noticed, with mournful regrets
That he was in the same boat as his pets
It looked as if they were all through
As they were headed for Southern Peru
The cat and the dog and Jon Arbuckle, too
Out there on the ocean blue
(Oh, they goners for sure)
Arbuckle said, "We are all in a mess"
And he attempted a call of distress
All he could raise on the boat's radio
Was what they call a talk radio show
"I said, turn your radio down"
"What? I can't hear you."
"Turn your radio down."
"Hold on.
And as they moaned at the fore of the craft
Someone was nibbling away at the aft
It was the puppy who noticed the sound
Went to investigate what could be found
He could not see 'cause the water was dark
Until a beam of sun lit on the shark
He gave a howl they heard in Quebec
They had a visitor eating the deck
Which bought the following thought from the cat
"I've never been quite as hungry as that!"
As they stood there and the shark ate the boat
They had but moments remaining afloat
There was a shark that they could not subdue
Garfield: Eating the ship without pausing to chew
Hinting the next course could maybe be you
Out there on the ocean blue
(Very little boat left, man)
Just then a diver jumped up and unmasked
"Who ordered pizza?" the visitor asked
Garfield said, "It had better be dry"
And he made Arbuckle pay for the pie
Diver: I so love swimming through shark-infested waters to earn a 10-cent tip.
Jon asked him, "How can you eat when we're doomed?"
By now, the shark had their boat half-consumed
Twenty more bites and they'd be in the ocean
That's when the cat had an obvious notion
"Maybe he'd like a more edible dish"
And so the cat gave the pie to the fish
Fish was so grateful and yearning for more
Gave them a ride safe and sound to the shore
They told the folks, "If you want a safe bay,
Feed the shark pizza three times every day"
(Dialogue break)
Man #1: The shark was just hungry?
Man #2: I guess everyone has to eat.
Man #1: We'll arrange it, so whenever he wants pizza, he'll get it.
(The shark dives back into the ocean.)
Garfield: How do I get that deal?
Oh, how do I know all that happened at sea?
Simple enough, for the sharky was me
Now when I'm starving, I know what to do
Order a pizza or maybe a few
Since I'm not hungry, it's safe in my view
Out there on the ocean blue
Garfield: Not anchovies again!
Shark: I'm a shark! I like them!
Garfield: I'd rather eat the boat.

Another Ant EpisodeEdit

Garfield: On a Tuesday morning, I got out of bed
I stumbled to the kitchen & demanded to be fed
Pancakes & sausage usually appeared
But this time, the chef was doing something kinda weird
Jon I didn't have the time to cook a meal for my cat
For something had invaded our domestic habitat
At first I wasn't sure of it but then I had to know:
Both: The ants we met last season were returning to the show!
Ants: Oh, we're the ants you met last season
We are back by popular demand
When we're around we need no reason
To take away your lunch and any food you have on hand
Garfield: Since Jon was busy, I went to help myself
I took some bread & got a jar of jelly from the shelf
Making a sandwich can be alot of fun
But boy, is it annoying when your sandwich starts to run
I chased it through the living room, I chased it through the bath
No matter where my sandwich went, I followed every path
I chased it through the neighbor's yard & right into a shed
And there I found a pit bull, so I turned & quickly fled!
Ants: Oh, we're the ants who merit a sequel
We have come to steal all your food
When we're around we have no equal
So open up your freezer & forgive if we intrude
Jon: I thought I'd get them with ant-repellent spray
The ants grabbed up the can from me & chased me far away
Garfield: I tried to stop them with traps across the floor
The ants came in & picked me up & threw me out the door
Both: We wound up on the outside & we both were very shocked
Jon: I tried to get back in but found the doors had all been locked
Both: The ants had taken over things, we had nowhere to go
Garfield: (speaking) "I think the time has come", I said, "to call a real pro"
Ants: Oh, we're the ants who got all that mail
We are here at so many requests
When we're around you can't help but fail
And that is why your home is overrun with little pests
Both: We ran to a phone booth & called around the town
Jon: I wasn't gonna take this thing just meekly lying down
Garfield: An ad for Crater Pest Control seemed guaranteed to please
It promised he could rid your home of insects, bugs, & fleas
Jon: I called up Mr. Crater & I told him of our tiff
He said he'd grab his gear up & be over in a jiff
I told the cat the good news as I hung up on the phone
Both: And all the time the ants were celebrating, home alone
Ants: Oh, we're the ants who kicked your butts out
We are here to clean out all your shelves
When we're around leave chips & nuts out
We'll open up your cabinets & doors & help ourselves
Both: We waited & waited & sat there in the road
And when we'd almost given up, the bug man finally showed
Crater: (speaking)
My name is Mr. Crater
I'm a bug eliminator
And I ain't no second-rater, let's be clear!
Each morning I am tested
When some new house is infested
And I quickly am requested to appear
When some big rat encroaches
Or a locust swarm approaches
Or your home is filled with roaches 3 feet high
From here to the equator
Everyone knows Mr. Crater
I'm the best exterminator
Pay me now or pay me later
I'm the best exterminator you can buy
Jon: So Mr. Crater was hired for the job
Garfield: He headed for the house to face a most unruly mob
Jon: He tried to spray where he thought an ant could lurk
Garfield: We told him that we tried that & it really didn't work
Jon: A special powder might get the ants in hand
Garfield: The ants all took up skating in a winter wonderland
Jon: Then he attempted to catch them in a flood
Garfield: The ants grabbed Mr. Crater & they threw him in the mud!
Ants: Oh, we're the ants who never get beaten
We came back to liven up your show
When we're around your food will get eaten
And anything around that we can't eat, we'll take to go!
Jon: Crater announced it was time for an attack
Garfield: He ran down to his truck & got a robot from the back
Crater: (speaking) Yours truly, Mr. Crater
Is the bold originator
Of a bug annihilator worlds apart
Jon: It seems a bit exotic...
Garfield: Maybe even idiotic...
Crater: (speaking) But he's truly a robotic work of art
And as I turn on the power
Watch the bugs all start to cower
He'll be done in half an hour
Smooth as pie
When they see my terminator
They will run & hop a freighter
Jon: (speaking) So if you're an insect hater
Call your local operator
Garfield: (speaking) Ask for Mr. Leo Crater
He's the best exterminator...
All: can buy!
Garfield: I couldn't wait til he made the robot go
But then I saw he had the robot's power set on "low"
Knowing exactly how tough the ants could be
I turned the power dial to the maximum degree
It started in to blinking & to do whatever else
And that is when I found my paw was caught up in its belts
The robot started for the house & hurried right inside
And guess who found himself along for quite a bumpy ride?!
Ants: Oh, we're the ants who reign undefeated
We are back 'cause people like our song...
Lead Ant: (spoken) Forget the chorus, guys! Let's scram!
Jon: (speaking) "My job is done", Crater foolishly intoned
Garfield: The ants were gone & so was almost everything we owned
Jon: (speaking) Just for a moment, I said I wouldn't pay
Garfield: But then he was reminded Crater's friend would find a way
Jon: We sat there in the rubble, feeling sad & most deprived
Garfield: I found a can of cat food that amazingly survived
Jon: I said (speaking) "Look at the rosy future that we have in store
Both: (speaking) At least we'll never see those ants again forevermore!"
Ants: Oh, we're the ants who cannot be killed here
Even if you wreck your whole abode
We'll be back after you rebuild here
'Cause by then it'll be time for a third ant episode

(Repeat to fade)

Jon and Garfield's workout songEdit

Jon: Here's my dumbbell.
Garfield: (pointing to Jon) Here's my dumbbell.
Jon: Here's my little rope.
Garfield: (pointing to Jon) Here's my little dope.
Jon: What's wrong with a little exercise?
Garfield: What's wrong with a little extra size?
Jon: Maybe there's still hope.
Garfield: Nope.
Jon: Let's turn this place into a gym.
Garfield: I think there's something seriously wrong with him.
Jon: Workout! Workout! That's what it's gonna take!
Garfield: Cookout! Cookout! How about a great big steak?
Jon: The road to health is paved with good intentions.
Garfield: The road to the kitchen can lead to new dimensions.
Jon: Garfield, we're gonna get in shape!
Garfield: Fat chance!

The Garfield RapEdit

One day I was asleep
I heard a puppy yapping
Can't stand dogs
Who interrupt my napping
So I went to have a chat with Odie
Told the puppy dog he ought to hit the road
He said, "No way"
Tried to contradict me
That was when the little puppy licked me
Oh, how I want to kick and clobber
When I get covered with doggy slobber
But I was polite as I was able
And I kicked the doggy off the table
Landed on the floor, right in a heap
Next time, he won't interrupt my sleep
The guy I lived with got real sore
I said, "Hey, what are puppies for?"
That's called being a cat
(Lie around, get fat)
That's what it takes to be a cat
That's called being a cat
(Lie around, get fat)
You'll be sitting pretty, kitty-cat
Just last night
I was having a snack
And this guy comes in
With a sackful of food
He said it was really great
Made for cats who are a little overweight
Well, he persisted with his plan
So I scoped the label out on the can
Beef by-products is how they try
To sell parts of the cow they can't identify
Well, he said it was good for my waist
And he forced me to take a little taste
I thought the stuff that he brought home
Tasted like ground up Styrofoam
He gave me a bowl,
But I couldn't complete it
I said "Hey, if it's so good,
Why don't you eat it?"
Late at night I go out on the fence
Down the street from my residence
I bring my horn and I play a little jam
Starting at 3:00, maybe 4:00 a.m.
People in the building
Right across the way
Get a special kind of treat
When I start their day
Is there any better one
To start off all their morns
Than the coolest cat
With the hottest of horns?
I play some jazz, and I play some blues
And they offer tips in the form of shoes
Come the morning,
They walk out on the street
Lots of folks in their little stocking feet
But I am pleased to make them all a deal
Pays for a heck of a breakfast meal
When I'm in the park,
People always want to pat
The furry head of a kitty cat
How many times have I heard it said
"Oh, he's cute" as they rub my head?
It was fun long ago
But the fun's been fading
I used to find the thing quite degrading
Until I came up with a solution
All I needed was
A little financial restitution
People pet me now and all is fine
Until I show them the price list on my sign
Pet the kitty on the head and neck
I accept credit cards, cash, or check
And next week our special rate begins
For folks who want to scratch me
Under my chin
When I'm around
Women make a beeline
When they catch sight of this classy feline
Saturday night I pick up my date
That's the time we must celebrate
Some guys are trouble, some guys are fun
I'm Michael Jackson all rolled into one
She has more fun than she's ever known
Still, she'll yearn for that moment alone
That's the moment that goes to the heart
Then I smell something and quickly depart
What's so important
I'll leave her with ease?
Homemade lasagna with plenty of cheese
This is the end of The Garfield Rap
Now pass me a pillow, it's time for my nap
Chorus (x2, excluding Garfield's lines)

The Garfield OperaEdit

To the tune of Dance of the Hours

Garfield: So a new day's slowly dawning.
Please forgive this cat for yawning.
I see that it's half past seven.
I think I'll go back to bed until eleven.
But the puppy (Odie) makes me cautious,
And our house guest (Nermal) makes me nauseous.
I would sleep but I'm unable.
Might as well see if my breakfast's on the table.
Where's my meal? I am starving.
Start the cooking! Start the carving!
I eat breakfast as a habit.
(referring to the lettuce) This is quite a lovely meal for a rabbit.
Make an omelette. Make a waffle,
Though your cooking's really awful.
Make me pancakes. Make me bacon.
If you think that I will eat this you're mistaken.

Jon:You're too fat! I can't keep quiet,
You're too fat, It's time to diet,
I insist.
You will not have a feast
Until you lose ten pounds at least!
No more food!
Forgive me if I'm sounding rude,
But you have got to lose some weight!
You get no more to eat,
Until, you look and see your feet!

Garfield: Hiya Odie! Whatcha doing?
How's that bone that you are chewing?
There's a rumbling in my tummy,
And that bone of yours is looking pretty yummy.

Nermal: I am Nermal. I'm a cutie!
I'm the peak of feline beauty!
Folks adore me, if they've met me!
They will line up for miles just to pet me!

Garfield: Sorry, Nermal. Not this morning.
You have had your final warning.
I have taken up a hobby:
Mailing kittens all the way to Abu Dhabi.
Un momento! Who's that person?
Why, it's Mrs Ann McPherson!
She's the chairman, undefeated,
Of a group that makes sure pets are not mistreated.

Ann McPherson: You poor cat, I heard you squeal!
You poor cat, you need a meal!
It appears
Your master doesn't give
You all the things to need to live!
(to Jon)Feed this pet!
You know this is a real threat.
If you don't, I will call the cops,
And they will send some cars
Of men to put you behind bars

Jon: Eat!
Have a bowl of shredded wheat!
Add some sugar make it sweet,
For a treat,
It's so neat
When you have fruit or berries!
Dieting is obsolete!
Have another piece of meat!
Can't be beat,
Though you cannot see your feet!
There is nothing in this world,
Like eating all that's edible!
Have some ice-cream lightly swirled,
It's really just incredible!
Eat each pie, and roll, and tart,
And do not count a calorie!
Eating is the finest art,
You should be in a gallery!
Chew! Chew! Chew!
Yes, you.
Just stuff yourself until your little tummy aches.
Bite! Bite! Bite!
All night!
Each sandwich that your
Weary kitchen master makes.
And cakes!
And steaks!
And Quakes!
And lakes of shakes!
Land sakes! (Garfield has grown into a giant)
Have another glass of punch!
Eat bananas by the bunch!
I've a hunch,
That they're planning something good for dinner.
Hear that meal going crunch!
Think your chair is gonna scrunch!
What a brunch!
This should hold you until lunch.
You know you love to dine on each fine kind
Of food you can find!
You put it all away although
As you will know it all winds up behind!
Do not let your fork stop!
Have another pork chop!

Truckin' OdieEdit

It was on a dark and stormy day,
And the pussycat was snoring.
And since no-one was around to play
The little puppy went exploring.
Odie didn't listen to our warning
That it wasn't safe to roam,
So he left the house on a rainy morning,
And he wandered far from home.
Down the avenue the puppy stumbled,
To the warehouse part of town,
And about that time the storm clouds rumbled,
And the rain came pouring down.
Now as we all know this dog is dense
And is not known for his brain,
But he had at least the common sense
To seek shelter from the rain.
Now the truck in which he chose to nap
Was the rig of Billy Bob,
An honest and hard-working chap
Who was desperate for a job.
'Til the day that rich guy came around,
And said, to Billy's glee,
"If you get this load there safe and sound,
You can come work for me."
It was quite a break for a guy who was broke,
So he loaded up the freight,
And by the time that the dog awoke,
They were on the interstate.
When he found he had a dog aboard,
Billy Bob was shocked, and said
"To take you back, I can't afford,
We will have to press ahead."
Keep on rolling, Keep on rolling,
Rolling down the road.
Keep on rolling, Keep on rolling,
With your heavy load.
Keep on trucking, Keep on trucking,
That's what truckers do.
Got to keep on trucking,
Got to get on through.
Old Trucker Bruce was a local blight,
Who was known from here to Fargo,
For running trucks off the road at night
To relieve them of their cargo.
When he saw Billy's passing rig,
He said with an evil smirk,
"That trucker's hauling something big,
Guess it's time I went to work."
So he got his truck out on the double,
T'was the biggest he could find.
And Billy knew he was in real big trouble
When he saw old Bruce behind.
Billy shook and moaned and shivered,
And he told the puppy why.
"We'll never get this load delivered
If I can't outrun this guy!"
The tire rubber almost burned,
As they zoomed on down the trail.
But no matter which why Billy turned,
He could see Bruce on his tail.
Billy Bob was hurrying,
But it was a hopeless cause.
And Odie sat there worrying
With his face buried in his paws.
He realized, with great dismay,
It was more than likely that
He never more would romp and play
With his friend, Garfield Cat.
If you're wondering what became of me,
I was nowhere near the road.
I can't rescue Odie.
I'm not in this episode.
Keep on snoring, keep on snoring.
Back home safe and sound.
Keep on snoring, keep on snoring.
Most fun I have found.
Keep on sleeping, keep on sleeping.
Peaceful here alone.
Got to keep on sleeping.
Odie's on his own.
Now, Odie tried to leave his seat,
When a spill he chanced to take,
And he tumbled down near Billy's feet
And fell onto the brake.
The truck came to a sudden stop,
Right there on the interstate.
And Bruce found himself right on top
Of an accident of first rate.
But Bruce he had both skill and luck,
And he swerved up on that ridge.
And he didn't run into Billy's truck,
But he did drive off the bridge.
He hit the lake with a mighty splash,
And it looked like there he'd stay.
So Billy Bob, like a lightning flash,
Hit the gas and sped away.
They didn't see old Bruce climb out
Of his truck all wringing wet.
They didn't hear his angry shout,
"I'll catch up with you yet!"
An hour later, Billy stopped
To get something quick to eat.
And Odie napped, while Billy shopped,
'Til a stranger took his seat.
That truck bad Bruce was gonna grab,
But his plan had but one flaw.
For Billy seen him by the cab,
And he notified the law.
The sheriff slapped the cuffs on Bruce,
Been hunting him all year.
But then they saw the truck was loose,
'Cause he'd left the thing in gear.
Stop the rolling, Stop the rolling,
Do not let it roll.
Stop the rolling, Stop the rolling,
Truck's out of control.
Stop the trucking, Stop the trucking,
Or he won't survive.
Got to stop the trucking,
Odie cannot drive.
The puppy dog was filled with fear,
His horn went "Beep beep beep".
He tried in vain the truck to steer,
It hit things in a heap.
Just when it seemed to be a loss,
The sheriff lent a hand.
And Billy Bob, he swung across
And quickly took command.
The puppy covered up his eyes,
They rolled into a shop.
And they both had a big surprise
When the truck came to a stop.
This building was, they quickly found,
The company's address.
They'd brought the cargo safe and sound,
With approximate success.
The job was Billy Bob's to claim,
As promised by the man.
Who had them paint his product's name
On the side of Billy's van.
Next morning on another run,
The pup came home for real.
But when he told me what he'd done
I said, "Big fat hairy deal."
It made no difference to this cat,
But I was thunderstruck,
When I saw the sign that revealed that
It was a lasagna truck.
There are heroes of most every kind,
But the ones this cat adores,
Are the heroes who should be enshrined,
Who bring pasta to our stores.
Keep on rolling, Keep on rolling,
Rolling down the road.
Keep on rolling, Keep on rolling,
With your heavy load.
Keep on trucking, Keep on trucking,
That's what truckers do.
Got to keep on trucking,
Got to get on through.

Ode to OdieEdit

I decided late one Sunday
I would sleep till half past Monday.
Suddenly, I felt a tap,
Which awoke me from my nap.
I awoke and found before me
Someone who was sure to bore me.
"Please leave me to sleep," I chirped.
That was when the creature slurped!
Just then, the surprise was sprung:
Seven yards of doggie tongue.
Doggie tongues'll always trick ya;
Look so harmless 'til they lick ya.
He let out a loving howl;
I went out to get a towel.
When a dog's enthusiastic,
What you want to do is drastic.
All my fur was wringing wet.
Should've had it washed and set.
"Let me sleep!" I'd often told him.
Looked like I would have to scold him.
I was in for a surprise
When I looked into his eyes;
Pleading, as they were, for mercy
Left me with a controversy.
Then I got a wondrous notion
How to sleep without commotion.
So he'd leave this cat alone,
I dug out his favorite bone.
Figured if I couldn't cure him,
Next best thing would be to lure him.
When he came back, he would find
I had locked the door behind.
Now at least his dripping yap
Wouldn't interrupt my nap.
In my world, there's no excusing
When you interrupt my snoozing.
So while I was busy snoring,
My friend Odie went exploring.
Usually, he doesn't roam
Quite this far away from home,
But he wandered to an alley
Where the tough dogs often dally.
You would be a little nuts
To go near these mangy mutts.
Odie never comprehends.
He decided to make friends.
When they saw this shy intruder,
They could scarcely have been ruder.
Odie's thoughts are always sunny.
What, he wondered, was so funny?
"This," one said, "is not a dog.
Maybe this is someone's frog!"
"It's no frog," the other said.
"It's a rat that ain't been fed!"
"Nah," the biggest one exclaimed.
"I know what this runt is named.
Not a frog and not a rat;
This is just a teensy gnat!"
And he grabbed poor Odie's bone
And he claimed it for his own.
Odie, you must understand,
Always wants to lend a hand.
Anytime or anywhere,
Odie would be glad to share.
But you have to do it right.
Taking things is not polite.
Odie wanted it returned.
His request was promptly spurned.
Odie wound up wet and soggin'
With a frog upon his noggin.
He made sure the frog was thrown back.
Now he'd go to get his bone back.
But before our friend returned,
One of them seemed most concerned.
She said she was not amused
At the way he'd been abused.
"Butch," she said, "you're very tough!
Did you have to be so rough?"
Just then, Odie reappeared.
The bulldog gave a laugh and sneered.
Picked up Odie very crass;
Threw him for a forward pass.
Now the other dog agreed
That was not a funny deed,
And she told the bulldog he
Really should let Odie be.
Butch said that he wasn't done.
Pounding Odie's too much fun.
That was when he looked and found
That his ladies weren't around.
They decided they would flee with
Someone much more nice to be with.
They led Odie to a world
Where he'd not be kicked or hurled.
Butch was left there all alone
With no friends, just Odie's bone.
So they marched the little waif
To the home where he'd be safe.
Odie had made lifelong pals
With a couple doggie gals.
Someone had not figured fully;
People never love a bully.
So our tale is adjourned
With this lesson to be learned:
Helpless folk you shouldn't flog;
People love an underdog.
The end, and that's a wrap.

Wade, You're AfraidEdit

Wade you're afraid of everything made -
I've never seen anything like it -
You're afraid of the barn,
Afraid of a tree,
Afraid of everything that you see -
You're afraid of the water,
Scared of the dark,
Afraid of the daylight too!
The sun and the shade, we're really dismayed-
Wade - what'll we do with you?

Banana NoseEdit

(Note: Italics are spoken.)
Does your nose look like a banana?
Are your toes shaped like Indiana?
Do your ears seem bigger than Montana?
Dry your tears, we understand you
Hey, everyone has something strange about them, that's what makes us special. Wouldn't it be great if you could look in the mirror and say...
Yo banana nose!
Now you know how my sailboat goes
Here's Montana ears,
I have ears so my sister can steer
Hey hey hey Indiana toes, getting me across those winter snows
Whatever the name, I'm still the same nice person.

What Harm Can It Do?Edit

It starts with just a little thing no one would miss at all.
What possible, perceivable harm can it do to break just a little law?
What harm can it do? What harm can it do? What harm can it do?
Bedtime's every night at 9:00, but out of bed you creep.
You play real quiet until you hear:
"You're supposed to go to sleep!".
What harm can it do? What harm can it do? What harm can it do?
Rules are made for a reason, always some we hate.
But they help us all get along together.
Laws are made to keep us straight!
You borrow something from a friend: a doll or maybe a truck.
They saw you take it! They want it back!
Oh, boy! No toy! Oh, yuck!
What harm can it do?! What harm can it do?!
Roy: Wade; you're a wanted duck!

Cartoons Are TerrificEdit

Cartoons are terrific, I'm sure you will agree.
You can be anyone or anyplace that you wanna be.
Anything can happen, with danger we can flirt.
Drop pianos on a friend?! Don't fret, he won't get hurt!
You can go anywhere in the Universe to the farthest galaxy, come back down, put your feet on the ground, or on the bottom of the sea.
Up, down, over, around, twisted, stretched, and flattened, fast, slo-o-ow, STOP!, and go!, thin down and then fat.
Cartoons are terrific, no matter where you roam.
But I think that I should tell you...we're trained professionals, so don't try this at home!



Regular charactersEdit

Minor charactersEdit

U.S. Acres (a.k.a. Orson's Farm)Edit

Regular charactersEdit

Minor charactersEdit

External linksEdit

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