Everybody Loves Raymond (season 1)
season of television series
Everybody Loves Raymond (1996 – 2005) was a long-running CBS sitcom about a successful sports writer Ray Barone, whose oddball family life consists of a fed up wife, overbearing parents (who live across the street), and an older brother with lifelong jealousy of Ray.
Season 1 edit
Pilot [1.01] edit
- Ray: Okay, alright, I'm gonna ask you quickly and quietly to move to your nearest exit.
- Debra: How did he ever become a police sergeant?
- Ray: Cause he's a good cop, and they didn't make him count. Or eat.
- Ray: Listen, Ma, I want to talk about Debra's birthday...
- Marie: My god, talk about birthdays. Your birthday gift to me finally came this morning. Did you know they sent me a box of pears?
- Ray: Yeah.
- Marie: From a place called "Fruit Of The Month"?
- Ray: That's right, how are they?
- Marie: They're very nice pears. But, there are so many of them. There are over a dozen pears. What am I supposed to do with all those pears?
- Ray: I think you're supposed to eat them.
- Marie: Myself?
- Ray: You and Dad and Robert.
- Marie: How many pears can Robert eat? I appreciate the thought, but please, don't ever send us any more fruit again. Thanks.
- Ray: Another box is coming next month.
- Marie: What??!! More pears??!!
- Ray: No, it's a different fruit every month.
- Marie: Every month??!!
- Ray: Yes, that's why it's called "Fruit Of The Month" Club.
- Marie: It's a club??!! Oh, my god! What do I do with all this fruit?
- Ray: Most people like it, Ma, they share it with their friends.
- Marie: Which friends?
- Ray: I don't know. Lee and Stan?
- Marie: Lee and Stan buy their own fruit. Why did you do this to me? I can't talk, there's too much fruit in the house.
- [Frank walks in.]
- Marie: [to Frank] Do you know the fruit keeps coming, month after month? [pointing at Ray] He's got us in some kind of a cult.
- Ray: It's not a cult, it's a club.
- Frank: What do you mean, month after month? For how long?
- Ray: A year.
- Frank: My god, are you out of your mind? What do you think we are? Invalids? We can't go out and get our own fruit?
- Marie: I tried to tell him.
- Ray: Alright, I'll cancel the Fruit Club.
- Frank: Marie--
- Marie: I can't talk! There's too much fruit in the house!
- Ray: Let's see, when I proposed you were 23. You said no.
- Debra: Right.
- Ray: Then I proposed; you were 24
- Ray & Debra: No again.
- Ray: Right, then I took a year off to regroup then I came back with a job; BOOM, married. That would make you 32----ish.
- Robert: When did he get this?
- Marie: Oh, that's an award your brother got for his sports-column.
- Robert: Never ends for Raymond...
- Marie: Oh, poor Robbie.
- Robert: Everybody loves Raymond. I go to work people shoot at me, Ray goes to work and people do the wave. Then he sits down, has a hotdog, doodles on a piece of paper and they give him a trophy.
- Marie: I've got baking soda! I smelled something questionable in the fridge.
- Ray: From across the street?
- Marie: No, when I was here yesterday. Oh, It's worse!
- Ray: Time to leave, Dad. Buckle up... What're you doing?
- Frank: [sniffing the twins' heads] I'm sucking the youth!
- [Later]
- Debra: The twins' heads smell like Old Spice. Your dad was here. Sucking the youth.
- Ray: Why don't you go out with Linda tomorrow?
- Debra: And leave the kids with your parents?
- Ray: No, I'll do the kids.
- Debra: Pffff...
- Ray: I can do it. What about the time when you went to your aunt's for three days?
- Debra: I took the kids with me!
- Ray: Yeah, but I fed myself.
- Marie: But where is Debra?
- Ray: She went to the movies with Linda.
- Marie: The movies? Some people get to live it up.
- Ray: Hey, look at this, Cal Ripken signed my hat!
- Debra: Oh that's great, look at this, Gregory spit up on my shirt.
- Ray: I'm not trading.
I Love You [1.02] edit
- Ray: Are you ok?
- Debra: I'm fine.
- Ray: Uh oh, fine is bad. What is it? What's the matter?
- Debra: Nothing.
- Ray: Nothing...nothing is worse!
- Debra: I love you
- Ray: ...And I you
- [Debra walks off]
- Ray: Debra! DEBRA!
- Ally: STELLA!
- Frank: [to Marie and Robert] This love stuff....we never mention it again.
- Ray: Oh, now I don't love you?
- Debra: You don't say it.
- Ray: I do.
- Debra: No, you don't.
- Ray: I do!
- Debra: When do you say it?
- Ray: WITH MY EYES!
- Ray: Listen dad, when was the last time you said I love you to someone?
- Frank: What? Do you live in a freaking fairyland?
- Marie: When we first got married, I said "I love you" all the time.
- Frank: When? When did you say it?
- Marie: I said it all the time!
- Ray: Were you in my office, mom?
- Marie: Yeah I was trying to get a pen to do the crossword puzzles. You know, your desk drawer is locked.
- Debra and Ray: Yeah, we lock it now. It keeps the kids out.
- Marie: Oh, that's a good idea! I broke a knife in it.
- Robert: You know that shampoo that says "no more tears" on the bottle? There's tears.
- Waitress: Extra sauce!
- Bernie: She's the saucy one.
- Waitress: And the assorted fried cheeses plate.
- Ray: He's the fat one!
- Ray: Hey, that's tongue. I thought you were a vegetarian.
- Ray: [on the phone] Yea, I miss you too. Okay, yea, I'll see you tomorrow. And honey, I love you. Good, well, get used to it because I'm gonna say it all the time. Okay. Now give the phone to mommy.
I Wish I Were Gus [1.03] edit
- Frank: Ray, I've got some news. I don't know the best way to break this... Your great-uncle Gus, dead!
- Ray: Oh, no I liked him.
- Robert: Yeah me too... Hey nuts!(referring to a bowl of nuts on the table)
- Frank: He wants you to deliver his eulogy
- Ray: Why? I hardly knew the guy.
- Frank: It was his dying wish.
- Robert: Even dead people love Raymond.
- Alda: What's your problem Marie? I can't even say a word without you topping me.
- Marie: I can't help it, you're easily topped!
- Marie: You never even sent a gift.
- Alda: My gift was that I came at all.
- Marie: What kind of a horse's ass gift is that?
- Alda: You'd be lucky to have a horse's ass!
- [Ally drew a mustache on Jeffrey]
- Frank: Can Hitler have a juice-box?
- Debra: Hey, do you know what I think is really sexy?
- Ray: What?
- Debra: A man who does the dishes.
- Ray: No, does nothing for me... Do you know what does it for me? A woman who does the dishes... with another woman!
- Ray: Some funeral, huh?
- Debra: Yeah.
- Ray: Wanna do it?
- Ray: Hi, I'm Ray. I'm here to talk about... Gus Barone.
- Robert: Haaaaarrrr!!!
- Ray: Thank you.
Standard Deviation [1.04] edit
- Ray: You know I read somewhere where the happiest marriages are the ones where the man is smarter.
- Debra: Oh, guess who wrote that...
- [Ray puts away tax papers and sits next to Debra]
- Debra: You promised you'd get this done!
- Ray: That's not the point. The point is that... I will rub your feet!
- Debra: You gotta, you gotta get this done.
- [Ray pulls off Debra's socks and starts rubbing her bare feet]
- Ray: Don't worry, in fact the whole idea of rubbing feet makes me sick.
- Debra: Just shut up and rub.
- [Ray continues to massage her feet, but starts tickling them as well]
- Debra: That's not rubbing, that's tickling!
- [Robert walks in]
- Robert: Glad to see you're not busy.
- [Ray is still caressing Debra's bare feet]
- Ray: What makes you think we're not busy, Rob?
- Debra: There's more than one kind of intelligence Ray.
- Frank: That's right. There's STREET SMARTS!
- [Debra smashes a bowl of ice cream into Ray's lap]
- Ray: Mmm, fudgey.
Look Don't Touch [1.05] edit
- [Andy is staring at Angelina, the attractive waitress.]
- Andy: So, Angelina, how are you?
- Angelina: Did you want something?
- Andy: No, thanks. I just thought we could talk.
- Bernie: [Angelina walks away] Ahh, did you smell her?
- Ray: No, I read the sign Bernie, "Thank You for not smelling the help."
- Bernie: Oh, man look at her. If I wasn't married, do you know what I'd do?
- Ray: You'd wear the same underwear every day.
- Frank: Hello, ladies!
- Ray: What are you doing here?
- Frank: Hehehe, I came to check out the new waitress.
- Ray: Oh god.
- Angelina: Hello, will you be staying for lunch?
- Frank: Holy Crap! Uh....yes, I will, thank you.
- [Marie thinks Ray might have an affair with Angelina, the attractive waitress]
- Debra: Marie, I'm not worried. I trust Ray.
- Marie: Oh, I'm not worried about Raymond either, dear. I'm worried about that pizza parlor putana!
- Ray: [to Angelina] I'm sorry that was rude of me. This is Debra, the little lady. I don't mean little in a size way, or that she doesn't matter. She's my lady. She's my great big lady.
Frank, the Writer [1.06] edit
- Robert: Michael threw his milk at me!
- Frank: Isn't that great? That could be my second story! The digest loves a naughty baby.
- Debra: Ray, Robert is still here.
- Ray: Hey, Robert! What are you doing here?
- Robert: I had a suspicion I needed to confirm.
- Debra: Robert, what's wrong?
- Robert: I don't think Michael loves me anymore.
- Debra: What are you talking about?
- Robert: He's not like Geoffrey, he seems standoffish.
- Ray: You do know Michael is a baby, right?
- Robert: Just a feeling. Cop's instinct. He wants nothing to do with me.
Your Place or Mine? [1.07] edit
- [Ray and Debra are going over their bills.]
- Debra: According to this, we can afford a car phone.
- Ray: No. No car phone.
- Debra: Why? Why do you fight technology?
- Ray: I'm against technology?
- Debra: Yeah.
- Ray: Who introduced you to Wonderbra?
- Ray: All three kids asleep. You thought I couldn't get Ally to take a nap.
- Debra: Good job, honey.
- Ray: Yeah. By the way, tomorrow we have to buy a pony.
- Debra: Would you look at this great big stain here? The carpet guy swore up and down that he could get it out.
- Ray: I don't want to hear about stains. The kids are asleep, the house is quiet. Now it's quality time. Just me and you.
- [Ray starts reading the newspaper.]
- Debra: You better be looking at jewelry ads.
- [Marie barges into the house.]
- Marie: Your father has finally done it.
- Ray: What's that, learned to buckle his pants?
- Frank: I've got the complete works of Arnold Schwarzenegger, except the one where he gets pregnant.
- Debra: Ray! She's in there chiseling my head stone!
- Debra: [To Ray, about Marie] Anything she cooks for me you're tasting first.
- Ray: You hear that?
- Debra: No, I don't hear anything.
- Ray: That’s the sound of all our clothes being refolded.
- Frank: It's the celery that makes "tuna salad" tuna salad. What you gave me was tuna slop!
- Frank: I can be sweet....it takes people time to discover that.
- Debra: Robert, just do what I do; tell him you're tired and he'll climb off.
In-Laws [1.08] edit
- Lois: So, how are things going with you, Robert?
- Robert: Well, you know, one day you're rescuing a puppy, the next you're fishing a skull out of a toilet.
- Ray: These people shouldn't be at the same table together. They shouldn't be in the same state!
Win, Lose or Draw [1.09] edit
- Debra: You lost $2300 to your father?!?!
- Ray: Relax, alright? We're gonna get the money back.
- Debra: How?
- Ray: When he dies.
- [Robert interrogates Ray and Frank for illegally gambling]
- Ray: What the hell are you doing?
- Robert: "Good Cop/Bad Cop". It's just taking a little longer because there's only one of me.
- Marie: You're giving him back that money!
- Frank: Like hell, I am! I want to teach him a lesson. You up the stakes, you lose a lot. Play with fire, you're going to get burned.
- [Waves check in front of Raymond]
- Frank: AND ALWAYS, THANK YOU, COME AGAIN!
- Frank: You're not talking to me?
- Marie: Nope.
- Frank: [smiling] I just keep winning.
- Marie: This is for you.
- Debra: Ahh. But I thought Frank said...
- Marie: No, he doesn't know anything about that. This is my money.
- Debra: You have money?
- Marie: Oh... My father, oh, such a wise man. On my wedding day, he took me aside, gave me $200, and said, "Here". This is if you come to your senses and leave Frank.
- Debra: Wow. My dad only gave me fifty.
- Ray: For the last time I'm not taking the money. I lost it, that's all. I'm a big boy alright? If I take the money what kind of message does that send to my kids? That no matter what happened you can go to your father and he'll make everything ok?
- Frank: You're right. You're right.
- Ray: What, what am I right about?
- Frank: You should be able to go to your father, and he should be able to make it ok. [Gives Ray his money back]
- Frank: So Ray, you feel like a winner?
- Ray: Not really.
Turkey or Fish [1.10] edit
- Ally: My teacher says they had fish at the first Thanksgiving.
- Ray: Yeah, well, people were stupid then, sweetie!
- Debra: Look, Ray, we want to start our own tradition, and Ally wants it to be like the first Thanksgiving.
- Ray: Well, why don't we have some smallpox then, too?
- Ray: You want me to convince my parents to come here, and my sales pitch is, "mmm, mmm, fish!"
- Ray: I got the last of the baking powder. I had to fight two old ladies to get it.
- Debra: What did you do?
- Ray: Nothing I'm proud of.
- Ray: Debra, calm down. You're reacting to missing squash like the time we left Ally at the mall!
- Debra: I can't compete with your mother's turkey Ray, the woman has giblets in her blood!
- Ray: My mom is such a great cook. Thanksgiving, that's kinda what makes my mom...worth it.
- Frank: [Looking at the TV] What the hell is this crap?
- Warren: That's soccer. Frank, only in America is football the game that you're familiar with. In many countries, when people refer to football, they actually mean soccer!
- Frank: In many countries people eat cats.
- Uncle Mel: My god! That fish smell is like a....a punch in the face.
- Marie: Where do you want me to put this turkey?
- Debra: I'll tell you where you can put it...
- Debra's Mother: You want some yams?
- Uncle Mel: No, I hate yams.
- Ally: [dressed up as a yam] You hate yams?
- Debra: Aw, honey, he doesn't hate ALL yams.
- Uncle Mel: Yes, I do, I hate them, they're very binding!
Captain Nemo [1.11] edit
- Ally: Mommy, that man over there is smoking!
- Dave: Narc!
- Ally: Good morning, Mommy.
- Debra: Hi, honey. Where's Daddy?
- Ally: In the shower singing. He's terrible!
- Debra: You know I gave up some stuff when we had kids.
- Ray: I know...did it have to be sex?
The Ball [1.12] edit
- Marie: Why do you insist on making this car wreck our Christmas tree every year? I want a real tree.
- Frank: An artificial tree saves water, saves the forest, and saves the planet. I'm a conservationist.
- Marie: You're cheap.
- Frank: Alright, I'm saving money.
- Debra: Mommy is just wrestling daddy.
- Ray: Wait, Mickey Mantle didn't sign this ball? It isn't real?
- Frank: It's a real ball.
- Marie: What's the matter?
- Ray: Nothing, nothing's the matter.
- Debra: Oh nothing at all, except Ray was just about to tell Ally the truth about Santa Claus.
- Marie: You what?!?!
- Ray: NO, I didn't tell her.
- Marie: My own son, an atheist?!?!
- [Robert enters dressed as Santa Claus]
- Robert: Merry Christmas! Is Ally here? I understand there are doubts about me in this house! [to Ray] Ho, Ho, Ma told me what you did... nice.
- Ray: There are now. Come on, Robert--
- Robert: No, you have me mistaken for some other party for I am jolly old Saint Nick.
- [Ally walks in]
- Debra: Look, Ally, it's Santa Claus.
- Ally: Santa?
- Robert: Yes, it is really I, and I came to see you Ally because I heard you were a very good girl this year and you're going to get everything you want. [to Ray] Unlike some other people. [in disgust] Ho ho ho ho ho.
- Ray: Hold the ho's, I want to talk to you for a minute.
- Robert: I'm sorry, I'm with a client. And you may call me Mr. Claus.
- [Frank enters, dressed as Santa]
- Frank: Where's Ally?
- [Frank notices Robert]
- Frank: Ho-ho-holy crap. What are you doing here?
- Robert: I'm Santa Claus.
- Frank: You're Santa?
- Ray: Okay, will you guys cut it out already. She's confused enough as it is.
- Frank: What's there to be confused about? I'm the real Santa! Who is this impostor?
- Debra: Well, you couldn't both be Santa. You must be Santa's helpers.
- Frank: Right! He's my helper. Helper, why don't you warm up the reindeer and bring the sled around?
- Robert: I bet you can't even name the reindeer.
- Frank: Rudolph! Donner, Blitzen... those are the main ones. We rotate them so they wear evenly. Cupid! Ajax! And... Lefty!
- Robert: Now we know the truth.
- [Ally pulls off Robert's Santa beard]
- Ally: It's Uncle Robert!
- Robert: [in Santa voice] No, no. I have merely assumed the body of a life form suitable to you.
- Ray: Robert, you're Santa, not a Klingon.
- Frank: You mean that even though you know that ball's a fake it still means something to you?
- Ray: Yeah, yeah dad.
- Frank: Then this Christmas you're gonna love the Rolex I got you.
Debra's Sick [1.13] edit
Who's Handsome? [1.14] edit
The Car [1.15] edit
Diamonds [1.16] edit
The Game [1.17] edit
- Marie: Oooh, all of a sudden you have scruples.
- Frank: I have scruples Marie. I've got scruples the size of basketballs.
Recovering Pessimist [1.18] edit
The Dog [1.19] edit
Neighbors [1.20] edit
- (Frank is showing off the birdhouse he built when he sees the video playing on the TV. He doesn't realize it's a video one of the neighbors shot of him on the porch naked)
- Frank: (chuckling salaciously) Hey, whoops...Porno party!
- Raymond: (grabbing the birdhouse and trying to distract Frank) Show me where this goes, put it up in the tree--
- Frank: (amused) Who's the fat-ass? (Marie knows)
- Marie: (mortified) Frank!
- Frank: (equally mortified) Holy crap...
- Priest: ...There was a man on our church council a few years ago. A decent enough fellow but a little abrasive. Oblivious to anyone else's feelings. I used to fantasize about him converting to Judaism. I wanted to get him out of my hair. One day I said Frank...
- Ray: Wait, the man's name was Frank?
- Priest: That's not important. What's important is...
- Ray: Frank Barone?
- Priest: You know Frank Barone?!
- Ray: He's my father!
- Priest: Your parents are Frank and Marie Barone?!
- Ray: Yes!!!
- Priest: You're absolved.
- Ray: What?
- Priest: Our Lord forgives your thoughts.
- Ray: Really?
- Priest: Well, I could look it up but I'm almost positive.
Fascinatin' Debra [1.21] edit
Why Are We Here? [1.22] edit
- Ray: So God made us smart enough to know there's an answer, but not smart enough to figure it out?
- Robert: (frustrated) "COME ON!!!"
- Frank: You want to know the meaning of life? You're born, you go to school, you go to work, you die. Canole....Marie
