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Everybody Loves Raymond (season 1)

season of television series
Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 | Main

Everybody Loves Raymond (1996 – 2005) was a long-running CBS sitcom about a successful sports writer Ray Barone, whose oddball family life consists of a fed up wife, overbearing parents (who live across the street), and an older brother with lifelong jealousy of Ray.

Season 1

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Pilot [1.01]

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Ray: Okay, alright, I'm gonna ask you quickly and quietly to move to your nearest exit.
Debra: How did he ever become a police sergeant?
Ray: Cause he's a good cop, and they didn't make him count. Or eat.
Ray: Listen, Ma, I want to talk about Debra's birthday...
Marie: My god, talk about birthdays. Your birthday gift to me finally came this morning. Did you know they sent me a box of pears?
Ray: Yeah.
Marie: From a place called "Fruit Of The Month"?
Ray: That's right, how are they?
Marie: They're very nice pears. But, there are so many of them. There are over a dozen pears. What am I supposed to do with all those pears?
Ray: I think you're supposed to eat them.
Marie: Myself?
Ray: You and Dad and Robert.
Marie: How many pears can Robert eat? I appreciate the thought, but please, don't ever send us any more fruit again. Thanks.
Ray: Another box is coming next month.
Marie: What??!! More pears??!!
Ray: No, it's a different fruit every month.
Marie: Every month??!!
Ray: Yes, that's why it's called "Fruit Of The Month" Club.
Marie: It's a club??!! Oh, my god! What do I do with all this fruit?
Ray: Most people like it, Ma, they share it with their friends.
Marie: Which friends?
Ray: I don't know. Lee and Stan?
Marie: Lee and Stan buy their own fruit. Why did you do this to me? I can't talk, there's too much fruit in the house.
[Frank walks in.]
Marie: [to Frank] Do you know the fruit keeps coming, month after month? [pointing at Ray] He's got us in some kind of a cult.
Ray: It's not a cult, it's a club.
Frank: What do you mean, month after month? For how long?
Ray: A year.
Frank: My god, are you out of your mind? What do you think we are? Invalids? We can't go out and get our own fruit?
Marie: I tried to tell him.
Ray: Alright, I'll cancel the Fruit Club.
Frank: Marie--
Marie: I can't talk! There's too much fruit in the house!
Ray: Let's see, when I proposed you were 23. You said no.
Debra: Right.
Ray: Then I proposed; you were 24
Ray & Debra: No again.
Ray: Right, then I took a year off to regroup then I came back with a job; BOOM, married. That would make you 32----ish.
Robert: When did he get this?
Marie: Oh, that's an award your brother got for his sports-column.
Robert: Never ends for Raymond...
Marie: Oh, poor Robbie.
Robert: Everybody loves Raymond. I go to work people shoot at me, Ray goes to work and people do the wave. Then he sits down, has a hotdog, doodles on a piece of paper and they give him a trophy.
Marie: I've got baking soda! I smelled something questionable in the fridge.
Ray: From across the street?
Marie: No, when I was here yesterday. Oh, It's worse!
Ray: Time to leave, Dad. Buckle up... What're you doing?
Frank: [sniffing the twins' heads] I'm sucking the youth!
[Later]
Debra: The twins' heads smell like Old Spice. Your dad was here. Sucking the youth.
Ray: Why don't you go out with Linda tomorrow?
Debra: And leave the kids with your parents?
Ray: No, I'll do the kids.
Debra: Pffff...
Ray: I can do it. What about the time when you went to your aunt's for three days?
Debra: I took the kids with me!
Ray: Yeah, but I fed myself.
Marie: But where is Debra?
Ray: She went to the movies with Linda.
Marie: The movies? Some people get to live it up.
Ray: Hey, look at this, Cal Ripken signed my hat!
Debra: Oh that's great, look at this, Gregory spit up on my shirt.
Ray: I'm not trading.

I Love You [1.02]

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Ray: Are you ok?
Debra: I'm fine.
Ray: Uh oh, fine is bad. What is it? What's the matter?
Debra: Nothing.
Ray: Nothing...nothing is worse!
Debra: I love you
Ray: ...And I you
[Debra walks off]
Ray: Debra! DEBRA!
Ally: STELLA!
Frank: [to Marie and Robert] This love stuff....we never mention it again.
Ray: Oh, now I don't love you?
Debra: You don't say it.
Ray: I do.
Debra: No, you don't.
Ray: I do!
Debra: When do you say it?
Ray: WITH MY EYES!
Ray: Listen dad, when was the last time you said I love you to someone?
Frank: What? Do you live in a freaking fairyland?
Marie: When we first got married, I said "I love you" all the time.
Frank: When? When did you say it?
Marie: I said it all the time!
Ray: Were you in my office, mom?
Marie: Yeah I was trying to get a pen to do the crossword puzzles. You know, your desk drawer is locked.
Debra and Ray: Yeah, we lock it now. It keeps the kids out.
Marie: Oh, that's a good idea! I broke a knife in it.
Robert: You know that shampoo that says "no more tears" on the bottle? There's tears.
Waitress: Extra sauce!
Bernie: She's the saucy one.
Waitress: And the assorted fried cheeses plate.
Ray: He's the fat one!
Ray: Hey, that's tongue. I thought you were a vegetarian.
Ray: [on the phone] Yea, I miss you too. Okay, yea, I'll see you tomorrow. And honey, I love you. Good, well, get used to it because I'm gonna say it all the time. Okay. Now give the phone to mommy.

I Wish I Were Gus [1.03]

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Frank: Ray, I've got some news. I don't know the best way to break this... Your great-uncle Gus, dead!
Ray: Oh, no I liked him.
Robert: Yeah me too... Hey nuts!(referring to a bowl of nuts on the table)
Frank: He wants you to deliver his eulogy
Ray: Why? I hardly knew the guy.
Frank: It was his dying wish.
Robert: Even dead people love Raymond.
Alda: What's your problem Marie? I can't even say a word without you topping me.
Marie: I can't help it, you're easily topped!
Marie: You never even sent a gift.
Alda: My gift was that I came at all.
Marie: What kind of a horse's ass gift is that?
Alda: You'd be lucky to have a horse's ass!
[Ally drew a mustache on Jeffrey]
Frank: Can Hitler have a juice-box?
Debra: Hey, do you know what I think is really sexy?
Ray: What?
Debra: A man who does the dishes.
Ray: No, does nothing for me... Do you know what does it for me? A woman who does the dishes... with another woman!
Ray: Some funeral, huh?
Debra: Yeah.
Ray: Wanna do it?
Ray: Hi, I'm Ray. I'm here to talk about... Gus Barone.
Robert: Haaaaarrrr!!!
Ray: Thank you.

Standard Deviation [1.04]

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Ray: You know I read somewhere where the happiest marriages are the ones where the man is smarter.
Debra: Oh, guess who wrote that...
[Ray puts away tax papers and sits next to Debra]
Debra: You promised you'd get this done!
Ray: That's not the point. The point is that... I will rub your feet!
Debra: You gotta, you gotta get this done.
[Ray pulls off Debra's socks and starts rubbing her bare feet]
Ray: Don't worry, in fact the whole idea of rubbing feet makes me sick.
Debra: Just shut up and rub.
[Ray continues to massage her feet, but starts tickling them as well]
Debra: That's not rubbing, that's tickling!
[Robert walks in]
Robert: Glad to see you're not busy.
[Ray is still caressing Debra's bare feet]
Ray: What makes you think we're not busy, Rob?
Debra: There's more than one kind of intelligence Ray.
Frank: That's right. There's STREET SMARTS!
[Debra smashes a bowl of ice cream into Ray's lap]
Ray: Mmm, fudgey.

Look Don't Touch [1.05]

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[Andy is staring at Angelina, the attractive waitress.]
Andy: So, Angelina, how are you?
Angelina: Did you want something?
Andy: No, thanks. I just thought we could talk.
Bernie: [Angelina walks away] Ahh, did you smell her?
Ray: No, I read the sign Bernie, "Thank You for not smelling the help."
Bernie: Oh, man look at her. If I wasn't married, do you know what I'd do?
Ray: You'd wear the same underwear every day.
Frank: Hello, ladies!
Ray: What are you doing here?
Frank: Hehehe, I came to check out the new waitress.
Ray: Oh god.
Angelina: Hello, will you be staying for lunch?
Frank: Holy Crap! Uh....yes, I will, thank you.
[Marie thinks Ray might have an affair with Angelina, the attractive waitress]
Debra: Marie, I'm not worried. I trust Ray.
Marie: Oh, I'm not worried about Raymond either, dear. I'm worried about that pizza parlor putana!
Ray: [to Angelina] I'm sorry that was rude of me. This is Debra, the little lady. I don't mean little in a size way, or that she doesn't matter. She's my lady. She's my great big lady.

Frank, the Writer [1.06]

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Robert: Michael threw his milk at me!
Frank: Isn't that great? That could be my second story! The digest loves a naughty baby.
Debra: Ray, Robert is still here.
Ray: Hey, Robert! What are you doing here?
Robert: I had a suspicion I needed to confirm.
Debra: Robert, what's wrong?
Robert: I don't think Michael loves me anymore.
Debra: What are you talking about?
Robert: He's not like Geoffrey, he seems standoffish.
Ray: You do know Michael is a baby, right?
Robert: Just a feeling. Cop's instinct. He wants nothing to do with me.

Your Place or Mine? [1.07]

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[Ray and Debra are going over their bills.]
Debra: According to this, we can afford a car phone.
Ray: No. No car phone.
Debra: Why? Why do you fight technology?
Ray: I'm against technology?
Debra: Yeah.
Ray: Who introduced you to Wonderbra?
Ray: All three kids asleep. You thought I couldn't get Ally to take a nap.
Debra: Good job, honey.
Ray: Yeah. By the way, tomorrow we have to buy a pony.
Debra: Would you look at this great big stain here? The carpet guy swore up and down that he could get it out.
Ray: I don't want to hear about stains. The kids are asleep, the house is quiet. Now it's quality time. Just me and you.
[Ray starts reading the newspaper.]
Debra: You better be looking at jewelry ads.
[Marie barges into the house.]
Marie: Your father has finally done it.
Ray: What's that, learned to buckle his pants?
Frank: I've got the complete works of Arnold Schwarzenegger, except the one where he gets pregnant.
Debra: Where's Frank?
Ray: By now he's probably taping the toilet seat so he never has to flush.
Debra: Ray! She's in there chiseling my head stone!
Debra: [To Ray, about Marie] Anything she cooks for me you're tasting first.
Ray: You hear that?
Debra: No, I don't hear anything.
Ray: That’s the sound of all our clothes being refolded.
Frank: It's the celery that makes "tuna salad" tuna salad. What you gave me was tuna slop!
Frank: I can be sweet....it takes people time to discover that.
Debra: Robert, just do what I do; tell him you're tired and he'll climb off.

In-Laws [1.08]

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Lois: So, how are things going with you, Robert?
Robert: Well, you know, one day you're rescuing a puppy, the next you're fishing a skull out of a toilet.
Ray: These people shouldn't be at the same table together. They shouldn't be in the same state!

Win, Lose or Draw [1.09]

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Debra: You lost $2300 to your father?!?!
Ray: Relax, alright? We're gonna get the money back.
Debra: How?
Ray: When he dies.
[Robert interrogates Ray and Frank for illegally gambling]
Ray: What the hell are you doing?
Robert: "Good Cop/Bad Cop". It's just taking a little longer because there's only one of me.
Marie: You're giving him back that money!
Frank: Like hell, I am! I want to teach him a lesson. You up the stakes, you lose a lot. Play with fire, you're going to get burned.
[Waves check in front of Raymond]
Frank: AND ALWAYS, THANK YOU, COME AGAIN!
Frank: You're not talking to me?
Marie: Nope.
Frank: [smiling] I just keep winning.
Marie: This is for you.
Debra: Ahh. But I thought Frank said...
Marie: No, he doesn't know anything about that. This is my money.
Debra: You have money?
Marie: Oh... My father, oh, such a wise man. On my wedding day, he took me aside, gave me $200, and said, "Here". This is if you come to your senses and leave Frank.
Debra: Wow. My dad only gave me fifty.
Ray: For the last time I'm not taking the money. I lost it, that's all. I'm a big boy alright? If I take the money what kind of message does that send to my kids? That no matter what happened you can go to your father and he'll make everything ok?
Frank: You're right. You're right.
Ray: What, what am I right about?
Frank: You should be able to go to your father, and he should be able to make it ok. [Gives Ray his money back]
Frank: So Ray, you feel like a winner?
Ray: Not really.

Turkey or Fish [1.10]

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Ally: My teacher says they had fish at the first Thanksgiving.
Ray: Yeah, well, people were stupid then, sweetie!
Debra: Look, Ray, we want to start our own tradition, and Ally wants it to be like the first Thanksgiving.
Ray: Well, why don't we have some smallpox then, too?
Ray: You want me to convince my parents to come here, and my sales pitch is, "mmm, mmm, fish!"
Ray: I got the last of the baking powder. I had to fight two old ladies to get it.
Debra: What did you do?
Ray: Nothing I'm proud of.
Ray: Debra, calm down. You're reacting to missing squash like the time we left Ally at the mall!
Debra: I can't compete with your mother's turkey Ray, the woman has giblets in her blood!
Ray: My mom is such a great cook. Thanksgiving, that's kinda what makes my mom...worth it.
Frank: [Looking at the TV] What the hell is this crap?
Warren: That's soccer. Frank, only in America is football the game that you're familiar with. In many countries, when people refer to football, they actually mean soccer!
Frank: In many countries people eat cats.
Uncle Mel: My god! That fish smell is like a....a punch in the face.
Marie: Where do you want me to put this turkey?
Debra: I'll tell you where you can put it...
Debra's Mother: You want some yams?
Uncle Mel: No, I hate yams.
Ally: [dressed up as a yam] You hate yams?
Debra: Aw, honey, he doesn't hate ALL yams.
Uncle Mel: Yes, I do, I hate them, they're very binding!

Captain Nemo [1.11]

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Ally: Mommy, that man over there is smoking!
Dave: Narc!
Ally: Good morning, Mommy.
Debra: Hi, honey. Where's Daddy?
Ally: In the shower singing. He's terrible!
Debra: You know I gave up some stuff when we had kids.
Ray: I know...did it have to be sex?

The Ball [1.12]

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Marie: Why do you insist on making this car wreck our Christmas tree every year? I want a real tree.
Frank: An artificial tree saves water, saves the forest, and saves the planet. I'm a conservationist.
Marie: You're cheap.
Frank: Alright, I'm saving money.
Debra: Mommy is just wrestling daddy.
Ray: Wait, Mickey Mantle didn't sign this ball? It isn't real?
Frank: It's a real ball.
Marie: What's the matter?
Ray: Nothing, nothing's the matter.
Debra: Oh nothing at all, except Ray was just about to tell Ally the truth about Santa Claus.
Marie: You what?!?!
Ray: NO, I didn't tell her.
Marie: My own son, an atheist?!?!
[Robert enters dressed as Santa Claus]
Robert: Merry Christmas! Is Ally here? I understand there are doubts about me in this house! [to Ray] Ho, Ho, Ma told me what you did... nice.
Ray: There are now. Come on, Robert--
Robert: No, you have me mistaken for some other party for I am jolly old Saint Nick.
[Ally walks in]
Debra: Look, Ally, it's Santa Claus.
Ally: Santa?
Robert: Yes, it is really I, and I came to see you Ally because I heard you were a very good girl this year and you're going to get everything you want. [to Ray] Unlike some other people. [in disgust] Ho ho ho ho ho.
Ray: Hold the ho's, I want to talk to you for a minute.
Robert: I'm sorry, I'm with a client. And you may call me Mr. Claus.
[Frank enters, dressed as Santa]
Frank: Where's Ally?
[Frank notices Robert]
Frank: Ho-ho-holy crap. What are you doing here?
Robert: I'm Santa Claus.
Frank: You're Santa?
Ray: Okay, will you guys cut it out already. She's confused enough as it is.
Frank: What's there to be confused about? I'm the real Santa! Who is this impostor?
Debra: Well, you couldn't both be Santa. You must be Santa's helpers.
Frank: Right! He's my helper. Helper, why don't you warm up the reindeer and bring the sled around?
Robert: I bet you can't even name the reindeer.
Frank: Rudolph! Donner, Blitzen... those are the main ones. We rotate them so they wear evenly. Cupid! Ajax! And... Lefty!
Robert: Now we know the truth.
[Ally pulls off Robert's Santa beard]
Ally: It's Uncle Robert!
Robert: [in Santa voice] No, no. I have merely assumed the body of a life form suitable to you.
Ray: Robert, you're Santa, not a Klingon.
Frank: You mean that even though you know that ball's a fake it still means something to you?
Ray: Yeah, yeah dad.
Frank: Then this Christmas you're gonna love the Rolex I got you.

Debra's Sick [1.13]

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Who's Handsome? [1.14]

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The Car [1.15]

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Diamonds [1.16]

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The Game [1.17]

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Marie: Oooh, all of a sudden you have scruples.
Frank: I have scruples Marie. I've got scruples the size of basketballs.

Recovering Pessimist [1.18]

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The Dog [1.19]

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Neighbors [1.20]

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(Frank is showing off the birdhouse he built when he sees the video playing on the TV. He doesn't realize it's a video one of the neighbors shot of him on the porch naked)
Frank: (chuckling salaciously) Hey, whoops...Porno party!
Raymond: (grabbing the birdhouse and trying to distract Frank) Show me where this goes, put it up in the tree--
Frank: (amused) Who's the fat-ass? (Marie knows)
Marie: (mortified) Frank!
Frank: (equally mortified) Holy crap...
Priest: ...There was a man on our church council a few years ago. A decent enough fellow but a little abrasive. Oblivious to anyone else's feelings. I used to fantasize about him converting to Judaism. I wanted to get him out of my hair. One day I said Frank...
Ray: Wait, the man's name was Frank?
Priest: That's not important. What's important is...
Ray: Frank Barone?
Priest: You know Frank Barone?!
Ray: He's my father!
Priest: Your parents are Frank and Marie Barone?!
Ray: Yes!!!
Priest: You're absolved.
Ray: What?
Priest: Our Lord forgives your thoughts.
Ray: Really?
Priest: Well, I could look it up but I'm almost positive.

Fascinatin' Debra [1.21]

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Why Are We Here? [1.22]

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Ray: So God made us smart enough to know there's an answer, but not smart enough to figure it out?
Robert: (frustrated) "COME ON!!!"
Frank: You want to know the meaning of life? You're born, you go to school, you go to work, you die. Canole....Marie
 
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