Drawn Together

American adult animated series

Drawn Together (2004 – 2007) is an adult animated Comedy Central television show that spoofs reality TV shows, especially The Real World and The Surreal Life.

Season 1


Hot Tub (1.01)

[First lines]
Jew Producer: (offscreen) This is the Drawn Together house, where eight different cartoon characters from all over the animated universe will live together in front of a million cameras. Introducing: Princess Clara, a musical and bigoted fairy tale princess. Wooldoor Sockbat, a fucking annoying, wacky whatchamacallit. Foxxy Love, a mystery-solving musician with a sweet ass. Toot, a black-and-white heartthrob from '20s. Plus, she's fat. Ling-Ling, a sociopathic Asian trading-card battle monster. Xandir, a totally gay video game adventurer. Spanky Ham, a crass internet download who farts on retards. Captain Hero, another person in the house. This is Drawn Together, the first ever animated reality television show, ever.

Toot: I'm Toot. I'm a sex-symbol.
Xandir: I'm Xandir. I'm on a never-ending quest to save my girlfriend!
Toot: Girlfriend? You have a girlfriend?! When were you gonna tell me about this girlfriend?!
Xandir: But we just met, like, two seconds ago?
Toot: Oh yeah? Well, can your stupid girlfriend do this?
[Toot dances the Charleston, shaking the house due to her weight]
Captain Hero: Save yourselves! [Flies out of the house]

[Lyrics to Some Black Chick's Tongue]
Clara: What is this thing in my mouth?
It's slippery and its slimy
Traveling down my slender virgin pink esophagus
Some black chick's tongue,
It's such a new sensation.
Foxxy: I got a mayonnaise momma on my licking hole, oh yeah, Foxxy's gettin' some.
Clara: It's really quite thrilling.
Foxxy: That's right now, you know.
Clara: I think I taste a filling.
Foxxy: And it's solid gold.
Clara: Never dreamed I'd be so willing to let myself go.
Foxxy: Tell me about it, I'm totally frenchin' a racist ho!
Clara: This black chick's tongue. What a wonderful feeling.
Foxxy: Damn, where'd this bitch get her earrings?
Clara: I've never had so much fun.
Both: As with this black chick's tongue.
Captain Hero: How cool is this? We've only been here a day and I already find myself in a three way

Clara's Dirty Little Secret (1.02)

Toot: What happens in fairy tales after the princess has her first kiss? Hmm?
Clara: She runs away with a sexy one-eyed pirate who loves as fiercely as he lives.
Toot: Not that fairy tale, food-for-brains! The other one!
Clara: Let's see. They live happily ever after in a castle with a couple of...kids! Oh my God, I am pregnant!
Ling-Ling: [in Japanese gibberish] Oh my God, the sink's full of dirty dishes again.

Foxxy: So you see, Clara. You can't get pregnant from a kiss.
Clara: But...[She stands up and runs off into upstairs] But...Oh no! [crying]
Foxxy: Well, what's wrong now? You should be happy you ain't pregnant.
Clara: No man will ever want to put his pee-pee in my giggy!

[Clara is doing an interpretive dance, humming]
Foxxy: Really, when you was but a child. Your evil stepfather put a curse on your vagina?
Clara: What? Weren't you paying attention? My evil stepmother. Mother placed a curse on me.
Toot: Uh, DUUUUUH!
Clara: I never understood why she did it...until now. No man will ever want to enjoy the special hug with me. She did it so I'd never find my true love. [crying] Oh, but please, please don't tell anybody about my secret, and I'm afraid I must ask you guys to keep my secret with a pinky swear.
Foxxy: I pinky swear.
[they look at Toot]
Toot: Ugh! Fine, I swear too.
Octopussoir: [gravelly voice] I pinky swear.
Captain Hero: [knocks on door] Hey, Clara, Toot told us you have a monster for a vagina and we want to have a house meeting about it.
Clara: How is that even possible? [stares at Toot]
Toot: Oopsey-Tootsey. I couldn't help myself.

[Lyrics to La-la-la-la Labia]
Foxxy: La la la la labia baby you got something for me.
Spanky and Captain Hero: In your wizard's sleeve.
Foxxy: La la la la labia baby you got something for me.
Spanky and Captain Hero: Some sweet PT.
Foxxy: Hoochie coochie, gitchy gitchy, yeah, yeah, yeah, Gotta snatcha, gonna catcha, yatcha, yeah yeah yeah, Binja minja, bearded clam. Furry burger, smiley sam. La la la la labia baby you got something for me.
Octopussoir: Oh, yes siree!
Foxxy: Fluffy muffy stuffy in the yeah, yeah, yeah. I gotta fever for the beaver weaver, yeah yeah yeah, Honey pot peachie pie.
Octopussoir: Take it to the Y-clef.
Foxxy: La la la la labia baby you got something for me.
Spanky and Captain Hero: In your wizard's sleeve.
Foxxy: La la la la labia baby you got something for me.
Spanky and Captain Hero: Some sweet PT.
Foxxy: Bushy bushy, fishy squishy, yeah, yeah, yeah. Smelly jelly underbelly yeah yeah yeah. La la la la labia, baby you got something for me
Spanky and Captain Hero: In your wizard's sleeve.
Foxxy: La la la la labia baby you got something for me.
Spanky and Captain Hero: Some sweet PT.
Foxxy: Cookie nookie, slitty kitty, yeah, yeah, yeah, I diggy giggy, murky wiggy, yeah, yeah, yeah. La la la la labia baby you got something for me
Spanky and Captain Hero: In your wizard's sleeve.
Foxxy: La la la la labia, baby you got something for me
Spanky and Captain Hero: Some sweet PT.
Foxxy: La la la la labia, baby you got something for me
Spanky and Captain Hero: in your wizard's sleeve.
Foxxy: La la la la labia, baby you got something for me
Spanky and Captain Hero: Some sweet PT.

Foxxy: There's got to be a way a break this curse.
Clara: The only person who knows how is my evil stepmother. And I can't ask her. We're in a fight. Fine. I'll call her on my mirror. Call evil step-mom.
Evil Stepmother: Ah, well, well, well, look who's finally calling to apologize.
Clara: I'm not apologizing! You should apologize!
Evil Stepmother: For what, trying to make you happy?
Clara: You thought marrying my father would make me happy?!
Evil Stepmother: You never gave me a chance!
Clara: Why should I? You're not my mother!
Evil Stepmother: I never said I was!
Evil Stepmother: Clara, your mother's dead! [gasps in shock] The good lord and your father's drunken carriage driving took her away from us, and there is nothing anyone can do about it.
Clara: I miss her. I miss her so much, it hurts. I'm sorry.
Evil Stepmother: Me too, dear. Me too. OK, now that we got that cleared up, I should probably tell you how to break the pesky little curse.
Clara: Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Do tell me how to break the curse...Mom.
Evil Stepmother: Oh, Clara, thank you.

Gay Bash (1.03)

Clara: [confessional] There's only one person who knows where the genie's lamp is, and he has sworn to never reveal its sacred location, but luckily, I know his only weakness. [Smells muffins] Ahhh.. [Smacks Wooldoor with a muffin pan] Tell us where the lamp is, you lousy lying piece of shit!
Wooldoor: Lamp? [Gets smacked with time some more] I don't know what you're talking about?!
Clara: Listen, bitch! Tell us where the lamp is and maybe I'll talk to the D.A. about extenuating circumstances!
Wooldoor: Guys, guys! Seriously, I don't even know what the lamp is!?
Xandir: Fuck this shit! I'm gonna off this glue-sniffing cocksucker right fucking now!
Clara: I've seen him do it, man!
Wooldoor: I'll talk! I'll talk!

[Xandir has locked himself in the bathroom having found out that he is gay, whilst Foxxy, Clara and Spanky try to coax him out].
Foxxy: [knocking on door] Xandir, please come on out. It's totally cool that you're gay, stop beatin' yourself up.
Clara: Seriously, Xandir, it's not your place to punish yourself, it's God's!
Xandir: [in the bathroom] Leave me alone! I'm taking another gay test!
Foxxy: What? The only test in there is a pregnancy test!
Xandir: Oh, great, now I've got two problems.

Requiem for a Reality Show (1.04)

[Lyrics to Bully Song]
Clara: Bullies are people who hate themselves.
Abused at age six or molested at twelve, so they pick on others. Isn't it odd?
Because their real quarrel is with God. Who's afraid of a bully?
Wooldoor: Me.
Clara: [giggles] Not me. For there are much
better things to be frightened of
like people of color and gay homo love.
So stand up to the bully stand tall and true, just like Jesus stood up to those misguided Jews.
Wooldoor: You're right!
Clara: Now, who's afraid of a bully?
Wooldoor: Not me. No, not me.
Clara: When you stand up to the bully.
Wooldoor: He'll flee.
Clara: Oh yes, he'll flee like the pathetic, insecure, cowardly loser he be.

Clara: (cries) My dear little friends! They're dead! DEAD! BECAUSE OF YOU!
Wooldoor: Oh, God, I am so sorry!
Clara: You said you were my friend!
Wooldoor: I am your friend!
Wooldoor: [hugging Clara] I know! I know! Are you as turned on as I am?
Clara: What? What the hell did you say?!
Wooldoor: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. When I get upset, I just say the craziest things. [pause] Can I borrow five bucks?
Clara: Just go, Wooldoor! Just go! To my bedroom, my purse is in the top drawer. There should be like, five, maybe ten dollars in there!
[Wooldoor leaves, cries]

Foxxy: The considerable alternative is anorexia. All the benefits of bulimia with none of the mess.
Toot: Does it really work?
Xandir: Of course it works! All you have to do is make sure to look in the mirror every day and see yourself as ugly and obese, no matter how much weight you lose.
Ling-Ling: Then everyone's happy.

Wooldoor: And Spanky tried to take him, but I sang your song and stood up to him!
Clara: [gasped] Oh! [kisses a chipmunk]
Wooldoor: I'm so sorry, Clara, for everything I did. Oh, please, please, forgive me?
Clara: Oh, Wooldoor, I...I forgive you.
Wooldoor: You do? Ohh! (He and Clara hugged) Hug.
Clara: [Confessional] Wooldoor took responsibility for what he did. And besides, to forgive is a mitzvah. [Confessional off] Oh, chipmunk. I didn't know I was leading you all into a trap. Can you ever forgive me?
Chipmunk: I forgive you, my princess. And don't worry, I won't tell the others.
Clara: So, uh...you won't tell anyone that I'm indirectly responsible for the genocide of your people?
Chipmunk: Uh...no. Of course not.
Clara: [sighs] I wish I could believe you. [casually kills the chipmunk]

The Other Cousin (1.05)

Ling-Ling: [In confessional] Ling-Ling so want visit from father. He great warrior/dry cleaner. He coined classic phrase, "No ticky, no washy."

Xandir: It just didn't make sense. When we licked Ling-Ling last time we got all fucked up, but this time nothing happened. Well, we got a little aroused...but not fucked up!

Clara: [Confessional] I found it a bit odd that Captain Hero wanted to take Bleh out on a date, and it was my responsibility to make sure his intentions were pure. [Confessional off] So, Captain Hero, is it?
Captain Hero: Oh! (chuckles) Yeah.
Clara: Coming to take my little Bleh out for a night on the town, eh? You know, I don't know what'd I do if anything happened to my little Bleh.
Captain Hero: Yes, ma'am. I mean, no, ma'am.
Clara: Son, do you know what it's like to kill a man with your bare hands? [cocks a shotgun] I do.
Captain Hero: I...Oh! Here's Bleh now! Wow! You look...stunning!
Bleh: I am Sam's Dakota Fanning is worth the price of admission.
Captain Hero: [getting shot with a dart by Clara] Ow! What the hell?
Clara: A little added protection. You'll get the antidote when I get my Bleh back.

[Lyrics to You're My Hero]
Captain Hero: Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be.
I could fly higher and a hero.
Won't you come along and fly with me? Oh fly!
So high against the sky!
So high I almost touched the sky.
So high I'll fly with you.
You're my hero.

Clara: Captain Hero!
Captain Hero: Clara, it's not what you think!
[Bleh gibbering]
Clara: Get up! Get up right now!
Bleh: I am Sam reduces Penn to a mugging embarrassment. Raves Milk Clark of USA today.
Clara: I don't care. Let's go!
Bleh: Yeeeh...
Clara: Go back to your cage right now!
Spanky: Well, look who's doing the limp of shame!

Spanky: Well, nice work, Captain Hero. Here's the $50 I bet you have sex with Bleh.
Clara: (shocked) Oh!
Captain Hero: Yeeeeeh!
Spanky: Oh, um, I mean, uh...here is the $50 Captain Hero won off me, because I bet him he would not have sex with your special cousin Bleh. But he did, in fact, have sex with her. Oh, yes, he did. For $50. Oh, man. Saved it.
[Captain Hero facepalm]
Clara: Captain Hero, I forbid you to see my cousin ever again!

Dirty Pranking Number 2 (1.06)

King: I'm doing this for your own good. You need to stay away from a.) this house...
Clara: Well then, I guess this is goodbye. [the doorbell rings] Well then, I guess that's the doorbell. [the pizza man shows up at the door] Well then, I guess that's the pizza man.
King: What the hell do you want?!
Pizza Man: Someone ordered the pizza.
Spanky: That would be me. No one puts baby in the corner.

Foxxy: OK, here's how it's gonna go down. I'm going to finish my hair. Spanky, you order the pizza. And Clara, you go into the confessional and tell the camera how you never felt so alive.
Clara: [In confessional] My first naughty prank! I have never felt so alive!

Clara: Lately I feel like there's something missing.
King: Did you check the colored girl's room?
Clara: No, I mean there's something missing in my life
King: You are a princess, uh-duuuuh!
Clara: I know that, father, but I long for so much more.
King: Of course you do, that's because you're a princess, and that's what princesses do, they long for more. Or die in a car crash in France.

The One Wherein There Is A Big Twist (1.07)

Toot: Ugh! You were just gonna leave that there? Bitch, pick it up!
Captain Hero: Fuck you, fatty foopah!
Toot: Pick it up or I'm sending you back to hell! [pulls a gun at Captain Hero]
Clara: All right, Toot, drop your weapon! [pulls a gun at Toot]
Xandir: No, you drop it! [pulls a gun on Clara]
Spanky: Nobody holds a gun to my girl but me! [also pulls a gun on Clara]
Wooldoor: All right, let's fucking do this! [has a lot of mulitiple arms with guns, knife, etc. pointed at everyone but himself] I'm not afraid to DIE!! [sprouts yet another arm with a gun pointed at himself]

Bucky Bucks: Xandir, I can't help but think this is all your fault.
Xandir: What?! But I'm a certified air traffic controller with ten years of experience!
Spanky: I heard Gay Traffic Controller, with Gay Years of experience! [high-fives Captain Hero]
Bucky Bucks: Spanky brings up a good point.

Season 2


The One Wherein There Is A Big Twist, Part II (2.01)

[Lyrics to Shit Sandwich]
Clara: You now found the treasure firmly in your hand, but then you woke up.
Captain Hero: And it had turned to sand and now you have to face the facts.
Spanky: It's a huge shit sandwich.
Xandir: And you have to take a bite.
Ling-Ling: It's a huge shit sandwich.
Foxxy: And you got to take a big old steamin' bite.
Wooldoor: Of the shit sandwich.
Xandir: You dreamed of A-list parties.
Foxxy: A talk show on late night.
Clara: But those dreams burned up like a concert with Great White.
Xandir: And you're like a club owner without insurance.
Captain Hero: It's a huge shit sandwich.
Ling-Ling: And you have to take a bite.
Entire Cast: It's a huge shit sandwich.
Clara: And you have to take a
Foxxy: Big old steamin' bite
Entire Cast: Of the shit sandwich.

[Scorpion appears]
Xandir: You're from Mortal Kombat? I'm from a video game too! Tell me, what's your special move?
Scorpion: [performs his Spear move on Xandir] GET OVER HERE! [performs a Head Rip Fatality]
Announcer: Fatality!
Xandir: [comes back] Impressive! My special move is the reach-around!
Scorpion: Oy vey.

Clara: Can we talk about how great our new roommate is? She's, like, so great!
Xandir: To Sweetcake, for making us prove that we're all replacable.
Captain Hero: And to the teeniest ass you can tap without setting off an AMBER Alert.

Foxxy vs. The Board Of Education (2.02)

Spanky: Hey Xandir, do you know what job you'd be perfect for?
Xandir: Basket weaver?
Spanky: No, Director of Homo-land security. [laughs as Captain Hero walks in] Hey Cap, guess what I told Xandir?
Captain Hero: That he should be Director of Homo-land security?
Spanky: How'd you know?
Captain Hero: You told me like five times now, plus I've always said he's the right man for the job. [In confessional] If you fat cats up in Washington had the guts to appoint someone who thinks outside the box!
Announcer: Paid for by the committee to elect homos.

Clara: [screams] What is this unholy abomination?!
Wooldoor: Hi, Clara. You're just in time to witness a fake gay marriage for the health insurance.
Clara: What? If gays get married, the institution of marriage will be destroyed! Societies will crumble! Rivers will run with blood! Nazis will once again ride on dinosaurs!
Spanky: I'll take care of this. [to Clara] Hey Clara, there's a Jew outside trying to poison a well!
Clara: [screams] Oh my God! [runs to well] Get away from that well, Hebrew!
Jewish Man: What? I'm putting in water purification tablets!
Clara: Spanky tricked me. As God as my witness, I'll put an end to this gay marriage, I swear!
[Thunder crashes; raining]
Jewish Man: Nice tits.
[Clara gasps]

Clara: This is Princess Clara calling for the King of Insurance. Yes, I'd like to report a fake gay marriage.
Jewish Man: And I'd like to report a great set of tits.

Little Orphan Hero (2.03)

Clara: [In confessional] The producers told us that we must start a business of our choosing. I wanted to have a bake sale, but the stereotypes had other ideas.
Xandir: Let's open a hair salon!
Foxxy: Ooh, we could shine shoes!
Ling Ling: I say full-release massage parlor that serves wok-fried puppies!
Clara: [In confessional] Finally we all agreed...
Housemates: A suicide hotline!

Foxxy: Goddamned white producers with their goddamned white flashes. They can edit us to make us say whatever they want. My taint is made out of bacon. STOP IT! Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, my taint. 100% pure bacon.

Captain Hero's Mother: Captain Leslie Hero! You thought this would prove you're not a lame superhero?!
Captain Hero: Mom, don't call me Leslie in front of Two-Hands!
Captain Hero's Mother: The doctor was right! You are SO lame!
Captain Hero: I'm not lame!
Captain Hero's Mother: Yes! Yes you are! [rips his posters off the wall]
Captain Hero: Please, Mom! Please don't do that! Don't be mean to me!
Captain Hero's Mother: I'm not being mean to you. You're just too lame to say it!
Captain Hero: You don't know what I can do, what I'm gonna do and you don't know! You don't know who I'm gonna be! You don't know how good I am! I have good things and you don't know it! Like I'm gonna be somebody, and don't tell me I'm not! [runs off crying]

Xandir: Oh, come on, Captain Hero. You're not the lamest superhero ever. Come out of the dumpster.
Captain Hero: No. This is where my mommy wanted me to be anyways.

Foxxy: Those goddamned cunt shit dumbass piss fuck meatball dick cock motherfuckers!

Captain Hero: I'm cured! Oh, I'm cured! My therapist made me realize that it's not my fault my parents are dead. I couldn't have stopped Zebulon from crashing into the sun.
Foxxy: You mean the planet Zebulon? Zebulon didn't crash into no sun, Captain Tardo.
Captain Hero: What'choo talkin' 'bout, Foxxy?
Foxxy: Zebulon is a triving planet with a booming economy.
Captain Hero: Huh, yeah right. [snort] As if.
Toot: We order Zebulonese takeout food all the time. You love the deep fried Zebulonads.
Captain Hero: I never put the two together.
Spanky: Don't you remember? We went to Zebulon for spring break.
Captain Hero: Dude, I was so wasted the whole time!
Xandir: Plus, we're stealing out cable from Zebulon.
(Cut to a giant cable protruding from the Drawn Together house and into the sky)
Captain Hero: Okay, okay! I get it!
Spanky: How else could we watch Everybody Loves Zorgleblat? Man, I hate that Patricia Hetenglab, what a clexblunt.
Captain Hero: Well then, if Zebulon didn't blow up, that would mean...my parents are still alive...oh my God. Oh my God! OH MY GOD!

Foxxy: And I don't want to be responsible for no stupid-ass suicide hotline.
Toot: Oh, come on, Foxxy, this time it'll be different. We'll stick with it!
(Everyone starts talking, trying to convince her, when someone suddenly says something horrible)
Unknown Voice:: I lit a homeless girl on fire!
(Everyone stops talking in shock)
Foxxy: What the? That's horrible! Who said that?
(Everyone mutters and talks among themselves, trying to figure out who said that and the voice talks again)
Unknown Voice: Fire's happy now.
(Everyone freezes in shock and looks around the room at each other in confusion)

(The gang tries to pull the plug on Jeffery's life support as his last dying wish)
Jeffery: Freeze, douchebags!
(Jeffery reveals himself to be an undercover cop)
Foxxy: Jeff! What you doing?
Jeffery: My name isn't Jeff. My real name is Jeffery and I'm part of an undercover sting unit called the Special Tactical Operations Unit to Catch People Who Set Up Suicide Hotlines Because of a Reality Show Challenge and Then Didn't Follow Through on Them So They Caused the People Who Needed Them to Take Their Own Lives and Then They Changed their Minds When They Realized Not All People Should Be Forced to Live So They Try to Assist Someone in Euthanasia, or as we call it for short, the STOUTCPWSUSHBOARSCATDFTOTSTCTPWNTTTTMWTRNAPSBFTLSTTTASIE Team.
Foxxy: Goddamn hotline!
Clara: I can't go back to jail! I won't go back! [She jumps and through the window, screaming as she falling to her death]

Spanky: This so stupid, it's like a retarded third grader wrote this.

Captain Hero's Marriage Pact (2.04)

[All talking at a rapid pace]
Foxxy Phat: He ain't lookin' at you, Love.
Foxxy Dark: He wasn't lookin' at yo fat ass.
Foxxy Yella: What did you call me?
Lil' Foxxy: Step off!
Foxxy Love: Bring it!
Foxxy Phat: Girrrrrl!
Foxxy Dark: Drop it like it's hot!
Foxxy Yella: Can I get a witness?!
Lil' Foxxy: Holla!
Foxxy Phat: Hey hey hey!

Unusually Flexible Girl: Why!? Why doesn't Captain Hero want to marry me!? [cries] Why doesn't anyone love me? I'M SO ALONE!!
Wooldoor: You're not alone. You've got me.
Unusually Flexible Girl: I don't want to end up like Nana. She spent her final years alone in a dank, smelly nursing home with nobody around to say "I love you"! [cries] By the time I got back from Spring Break 2003 Daytona Beach MTV Monster Party Jam Week...SHE WAS DEAD!!! [crying]
Wooldoor: That's horrible!
Unusually Flexible Girl: I don't want to die alone!
Wooldoor: I don't want to die alone either!
Unusually Flexible Girl: We have no choice!
Wooldoor: We have to do something!
Unusually Flexible Girl: Like what?
Wooldoor: Like get married!
Unusually Flexible Girl: (hugged Wooldoor) I do! You hear that, everyone? I'm marrying...what was your name again?
[Wooldoor whispering]
Unusually Flexible Girl: I'm marrying Wooldoor!

[Foxxy finds that she has accidentally run over the rest of the Foxxy 5 after a night of drinking]
Foxxy Dark: Foxxy...
Foxxy Yella: Why you do this to us, Foxxy?
Li'l Foxxy: Why yo run us over?
Foxxy Phat: Hey hey hey.
Foxxy: [picking up the phone] I need to call an ambulance! Oh girls, I am so sorry. I never should have been drinking and driving. That is the last time I mix liquor and beer and cough syrup and Kool-Aid and Grape Kool-Aid and Lemon Pledge! [In confessional] And this time I mean it!

[Lyrics to Crashy Smashy Die Die Die]
Foxxy: Splattered 'cross the hood, bloody guts and pain! (Crashy Smashy my oh my.) Compound fracture, puncture lung, bashed in brains! (Crashy Smashy Die Die Die!) Crunchy, cracky, smacky, wacky! All that's left...Is best friend puddin' topped with asphault death! Hey crashy smashy! (Another statistic!) Crash and Die! (Crashy smashy my oh my) Crash and Die! (Crashy smashy die die die) Crash and Die! (Crashy smashy my oh my) Crash and Diiiiiiiie! (Crashy smashy die die die)

Clum Babies (2.05)

Captain Hero: [In confessional] The club was jumpin', and Ling-Ling was surrounded by babes. But somehow we got stuck hanging out with Ling-Ling's lame friend, Steve from Long Island.

[Lyrics to God is Watching Everything You Do]
Veggie Fables: God is watching everything you do.
Bob the Cucumber: When you get undressed or take a shower.
Larry the Tomato: When you touch yourself for hour after hour.
Veggie Fables: God is watching everything you do. And he thinks you're a nasty naughty nympho slut. You sinful filthy whore, you're going to hell. Your flesh will burn. Your bones will churn. Your soul will be torn asunder.
(Clara screams)
Veggie Fables: You wretched heathen heretic. Burn in Hell!
Larry the Tomato: For eternity!
Bob the Cucumber: So you'd better remember.
Veggie Fables: God is watching everything you do.

Larry the Tomato: I'm sorry for thinking impure thoughts. [whips himself]
Bob the Cucumber: I'm sorry for being so phallic. [whips himself]
Clara: I'm sorry for buying child slaves from third world countries. [whips herself]
Chinese Boy: Free! [drops his feather duster]
Clara: [to the Chinese boy] I said "I'm sorry", not "stop dusting!"
Wooldoor: I'm sorry I masturbated! [whips himself] And I'm sorry I helped people! [whips himself again] And I'm sorry I spied on Clara going potty every morning!
Clara: What? That's disgusting!
Wooldoor: You're one to talk, Princess Smell-Your-Wipes. [Clara whips him]

Bob the Cucumber: Clara, stop! You mustn't use one of those. God forbids it!
Foxxy: Goddamn it, what's the point of having a secret deep programming room if everybody know where it is?
Bob the Cucumber: Clara, please put the clum baby down.
Spanky: But she's dying! She needs it!
Clara: I don't know what to do. I have the consumption.
Larry the Tomato: Then god wants you to have the consumption.
Foxxy: That's just retarded. What if God created clum babies because he wants Clara to live?
Larry the Tomato: But the bible says...
Spanky: Yeah, yeah, the bible says a lot of things...and not very clearly.
Foxxy: We ain't sayin' your interpretation is wrong, but perhaps the bible isn't a set of strict rules, but rather a guide to help each of us to find our personal relationship with the Lord.
Clara: I never thought of it that way.
Larry the Tomato: I guess that is possible.
Clara: But, but...
Bob the Cucumber: Eh! But... but...but!
[Bob the Cucumber shoots Clara]
Foxxy: Jesus!
[Bob the Cucumber shoots Foxxy]
Larry the Tomato: This wasn't part of the plan! We agreed nobody would get hurt!
[Bob the Cucumber shoots Larry the Tomato]
Spanky: Holy shit! Bob the Cucumber has gone crazy!
Bob the Cucumber: Is this crazy?
Spanky: No, please!
[Bob the Cucumber shoots Spanky]

Ghostesses in the Slot Machine (2.06)

Captain Colonicus: Captain Hero, you are in direct violation of code 24601, gambling on your own battles.
Captain Hero: What? Since when has that been illegal?
Captain Colonicus: For as long as stealing, sexual assault and murder have been.
Captain Hero: Those are illegal too? Wow, I really am a terrible superhero!

Captain Hero: Folks, the League of Heroes and I tried to take a dive here today, and I think we all learnt an important lesson.
Voice: Yeah, you suck!
Captain Hero: No, it's that even though we slaughtered the Indians and took their land, we shouldn't let them have casinos because gambling brings out the worst in weak-minded white people. In conclusion...USA! USA! USA!

Super Nanny (2.07)

Captain Hero: At last we meet, Super Nanny! So whatcha got? A little X-ray vision, heat vision or, like our president, no vision at all? [Laughs] [In confessional] That's Super Satire.

Super Nanny: What's going on in here?
Toot: Oh, nothing, Captain Shero is just trying to take my barrette!
Captain Hero: It's pronounced Captain "Hero", the 'S' is silent, you hit-head!

Terms of Endearment (2.08)

[Wooldoor, dressed as a doctor scans Foxxy until he finds a problem.]
Xandir: What is it, doc?
Wooldoor: My dear house mates, I'm afraid Foxxy Love does not have a brain tumor. [the other housemates breathe a sigh of relief] I, too, would be relieved, if it didn't happen to be...OPPOSITE DAY!
[dramatic music string]
Clara: Wait a minute, I'm confused. Does Foxxy have a brain tumor?
Wooldoor: No.
[dramatic music string]
Toot: What the hell? Is it opposite day or dramatic music string day?!
Wooldoor: Neither!
[dramatic music string]

Wooldoor: Boys and girls...the brain! [the other housemates get out notepads] This is the part of the brain that controls your reflexes. [touches the brain and the patient's leg lifts up] This is the part of the brain that controls your bladder. [touches the brain again and blood squirts up from the patient] Man, that guy needs to see a doctor.
Spanky: Why? Is red pee bad?
Toot: What the hell does this have to do with Foxxy?!
Wooldoor: I'm getting to that! This is the part of the brain that controls negative stereotype behavior.
[He touches the brain once and the patient lifts up]
Male Patient: [As a Jewish stereotype] Oy! I'll sue you for every penny! And then I'll invest it wisely!

[banjo playing]
Foxxy: Ooh! The ghostes! They's after me! Feets don't fail me now! (she runs onto a door and falls) Ooh!
Xandir: What the fuck was that?

Captain Girl (2.09)

Captain Hero: By the time I arrived, the Mad-Libber was gone and Captain Girl had been poisoned to death.
Xandir: Poisoned? Then why is there blood on her uniform?
Captain Hero: It was that time of the month.
Xandir: That doesn't really--
Captain Hero: WHAT ARE YOU, TWELVE?! Once a month, in the most beautiful and natural process known possible, blood comes flowing out of a woman's butthole. But now, blood will never flow out of Captain Girl's butthole ever again!

Clara: A baby, from Nicaragua.
Toot: A baby! A baby from Nicaragua! (kisses the baby's face 8 times) Come on, baby from nicaragua, let's go fix mommy's life.

Xandir: Toot, where the hell you think you're going?
Toot: [carries her vodka bottle] The store. Mommy's completely run out of medicine.
Foxxy: Toot, if you don't start takin' care of your child, she gonna be real messed up!
Xandir: She's right, Toot. I mean, Ling-Ling was about to kill your baby.
Toot: Don't tell how to raise my baby! I know how to keep it safe! [puts herself and her baby inside a ring of fire] Who would dare to enter the Circle of Fire? Toodles! [exits the ring of fire and her coat is caught on fire]

A Tale of Two Cows (2.10)

Spanky: Ooh, live-action poo!
Foxxy: Wooldoor, have you been going into the live-action forest again?
Wooldoor: I, um, well, um, brought it home because I thought they'd make nice slippers.
[He steps in the manure as if they were shoes]
Captain Hero: It's an honest mistake.
[Camera pans down to show that Hero has done the same]

Wooldoor: I shot Live-Action Cow and now she's dead! [Cries]
Captain Hero: So tell me, bro, did you... [Whisper's into Wooldoor's ear]
Wooldoor: What? Why would I do that? She was my friend!
Captain Hero: So she's out there dead in the woods, her milky, white, supple udder just lying there in a remote forest clearing? Dibs! [kicks Clara in the leg and runs off]

Xandir and Tim, Sitting in a Tree (2.11)

Xandir: Oh Tim! [Jumps into Captain Hero/Tim's arms] Last night was so special! I mean, I've had a lot of gay sex in my life, uhm, a lot of gay se- I mean a lot, a lot a lot a lot of gay se- I've had LOO-LOOOTS of gay sex, HUGE huuge amounts of [Tries to find words] LOOTS! [In confessional] Right, Craig?

Spanky: Put the gun down.
Pluto: He's the only fucking dog who's good enough to wear fucking pants? Well, I wanna wear the fucking pants at once.

Xandir: Oh Tim, you're such a stitch. You're so much more fun than Captain Hero.
"Tim": [impersonating Captain Hero] Oh! Look at me! I'm a big, dumb superhero who's big and dumb! Now I'm fondling a girl. Oopsie! She's dead!
[Xandir and "Tim" laugh; "Tim" falls into the lake]
Xandir: You did not just do that! ["Tim" throws him into the lake; they kiss and the camera pans away from them] It unsnaps in the front.

Foxxy: [whispered] Sensors indicate that the T.V. reviewer is at the end of the hall.
Spanky: Ok, guys, show no mercy. Remember, these people work in cubicles. So they're already dead inside. Let's move!

The Lemon-AIDS Walk (2.12)

Captain Hero: Oh Lord, if there is a sport that I can master, please give me a sign!
Foxxy: Hey, y'all, who wants to sponsor me? I'm goin' in the AIDS Walk next week. It's per mile.
Captain Hero: Walk? I can walk! [Looks at the folder Foxxy is holding]
Foxxy: So you are going to sponsor me? You know it's per mile, right?
Captain Hero: Hell's no, I'll be sponsoring you! I'll be sponsoring me, to win the AIDS Walk!
Foxxy: The Aid's Walk isn't a competition, asshole, it's a charity! Like "Not Spitting on Ugly People". [spits at Toot in the face] I gave at the office.
Captain Hero: I'll practice night and day, and before you know it, I'll do more walking and have more AIDS than you can possibly imagine!

Captain Hero: Popeye, are you alright?
Popeye: It's time ya knew. I've contracted the deadly AIDS virus from sharing steroid needles. [Shows his hand covered in bloody syringes]
Captain Hero: AIDS? How come I've never heard of this AIDS? They should have a walk or something to raise awareness.
Popeye: [coughs and wheezes] Get clean for me Cap'n. [Sings] Oh, I'm weak at the finish, 'cause AIDS beats out Spinach, I'm Popeye the dyin' man. [Toots] Of AIDS!

A Very Special Drawn Together Afterschool Special (2.13)

Clara: [as "Mary Lou Slutsky"] Hey, Xandir. My mama finally got her settlement check and bought herself a double-wide.
Captain Hero: [as Xandir's father] Yes, and she deserved it. She gave up ten years of her life and six of her fingers for that chicken plant.
Clara: [as "Mary Lou Slutsky"] You know, I've been practicing this trick where I drink 10 beers and let you do whatever you want to me, I'm getting REAL good at it.

Toot: [as Xandir's father] Mary Lou?
Clara: [as "Mary Lou Slutsky"] Hey, Xandir's dad. What happened to your eye?
Toot: [as Xandir's father] Nothing, nothing. What are you doing in this hour? It's getting dark.
Clara: [as "Mary Lou Slutsky"] Play practice went a little late.
Toot: [as Xandir's father] Hop in, I'll give you a ride home. You like Starship?
Clara: [as "Mary Lou Slutsky"] Who doesn't?
[Toot turns on the radio and "We Built This City" by Starship plays]
Toot: [as Xandir's father] Heater's broke, but it's warm over here. You can slide over nice and close. Mary Lou, I don't know why my boy ever broke up with you. You sure are a pretty little thing.
Clara: [as "Mary Lou Slutsky"] Why, thank you, Xandir's Dad.
Toot: [as Xandir's father] Now I know you've been with lots of boys, but have you ever been with a man?
Clara: [as "Mary Lou Slutsky"] (She sucks Toot's thumb and moans)
Toot: [as Xandir's father] Ohhh, yeah...you like my thumb, don't you, bitch? Well, let me show you something almost as big.

Alzheimer's That Ends Well (2.14)

Captain Hero: Hey, Xandir, I just got this new wind-up duckie! Its feet actually paddle through the water!
Xandir: Let's try it out in the bathtub! [they run up to the bathroom to find Toot about to put a toaster in the water] Why are you killing yourself this time, Toot?
Toot: It's my birthday and no one remembered. I'm fat, old, ugly, and everyone hates me!
Captain Hero: Hmmm...maybe people hate you because you won't get out their bathtubs when they want to play with their duckies!
[Captain Hero uses his heat vision to make Toot run out, and Hero and Xandir are next seen in the bathtub watching the duckie waddle in the water]
Xandir: Hey, Hero, I was thinking, we should throw Toot a surprise birthday.
Captain Hero: If we're all gonna shout out what we're thinking, I'VE been thinking about paying a prostitute to shove bowling pins up my ass!

Octopussoir: Two pieces of advice, princess: one, you won't wanna change your body if you learn to love it. And two, when you wipe, it's front to back.
Narrator: An important lesson was learned that day on Wisteria Lane: even the slimiest cunt can get a job in real estate.

The Drawn Together Clip Show (2.15)

Jew Producer: So cast, what'cha doin'?
Spanky: Same old, same old. What's with you?
Jew Producer: Just hosting the season finale.
Spanky: How's that going?
Jew Producer: Not too well. I shot someone.

Jew Producer: Captain Hero, fan rumor has it that your relationship with Xandir has continued since the show ended.
Captain Hero: Oh, you got it all wrong, habibe. Xandir had an affair with Tim Tommerson, not me. [everyone laughs] Fine, I'll prove it. Tim!
[Tim Tommerson walks out onto the stage. The audience and Xandir are shocked]
Xandir: Oh my God, Tim! I thought you loved me!
Captain Hero: Why would he love you when he could have all this? [Rips off his shirt and flexes his muscles]
Jew Producer: You have something to say?
Foxxy Love: Those ain't real! Check these out! [flashes her breasts]

Season 3


Freaks & Greeks (3.01)

Ling-Ling: Father, why? You have so much to live for.
Jun-Jee: Oh, nothing bling me joy. I too old to battle, and my cataract make karaoke impossible.
[Cut to Jun-Jee in a karaoke bar as "Tequila" plays. When the one lyric comes up on the screen, he struggles to say it]

Captain Hero: We're not going to let them destroy us, are we, pledges?
Wooldoor & Xandir: Sir, never, sir!
Captain Hero: And to prove it, Xandir, lock yourself in a trunk of a car with this bottle of whiskey and don't come out until it's empty! [Hands Xandir a bottle of "Jack Daniels"]
Xandir: Sir, yes, sir!
Captain Hero: And Wooldoor, you tie one end of this rope to your penis and the other around this brick, and then throw it over the balcony!
Wooldoor: Sir! Thank you for making my wish come true, sir!
Captain Hero: [Puts on a "Make-a-Wish" cap] There goes one brave kid.

Wooldoor Sockbat's Giggle-Wiggle Funny Tickle Non Traditional Progressive MultiCultural Roundtable! (3.02)

[Lyrics to The Happy Stupid Kid Show Theme Song]
All: Welcome to Wooldoor's World, where every boy and girl lives with sisters and brothers every race and breed, every personality with tolerance and love. We're all free to be WHEE!!!
Wooldoor: So cleanse your teeth and not ethnicity.

Captain Hero: Hey bro, what do you think about...bagina?
Terminator Guy: Dude, I love the bagina.
Captain Hero: Dude! I love the bagina! What do you like to do to the bagina?
Terminator Guy: What do you think I like to do to the bagina?
Captain Hero: I think you like to fuck it!
Terminator Guy: Damn straight, I totally like to to fuck the bagina.
Both: Sweet!

Wooldoor: I was deader than a racist walrus lost in the Detroit projects after dark.
[cut to a walrus surrounded by some black people]
Walrus: Don't any of you shwoogies have jobs?
Black man 1: The hell did you say?!
Black man 2: Let's get him!

Spelling Applebee's (3.03)

Captain Hero: [In confessional] We started going out a lot and I think that Clara started to really like me. I was more excited than a passed-out college girl in my bedroom!

Clara: Hero, can we talk?
Xandir: He has nothing to say to you!
Clara: Shut up, Xandir. Can't you have one pair of lips that isn't always flapping in the wind?
[Xandir hisses]
Clara: I understand if you hate me. But I still think about you...a lot.
Captain Hero: Gah, you miss the crashes. That's what you miss.
Clara: Sure, they were fun. But people being horribly maimed and disfigured means nothing if I can't share it with you. Maybe we can give it one more shot and cause a different kind of crash...between our hearts.
Man: [offscreen] Boo!
Police Officer: [offscreen] Sir, please come with me.
Man: [offscreen] What?! I didn't do anything!
Police Officer: [offscreen] I warned you.
Man: [offscreen] I can boo if I want, it's a free country-- [getting handcuffed] Get off me!
Police Officer: [offscreen] I warned you.
Man: [offscreen] You leave me alone! [getting electrocuted by a taser, screaming]
Clara: Think about it, Hero. You know where to find me.

Clara: OH MY GOD! Sleeping Beauty? Snow White? Ariel?
Ariel: I can't feel my fin!
Snow White: That's what we get for letting Mulan drive.
Clara: Stay with me, Sleeping Beauty!
Sleeping Beauty: But I'm tired, so very tired. [she felt dead]
Clara: NOOO!!!
Captain Hero: Well, once again, Captain Hero has saved the day. And remember, kids, never mess with the emotions of a dangerous lunatic. I'm off! [imitates plane engine, running around]

Unrestrainable Trainable (3.04)

Captain She-Ro: Hello?
Captain Hero: Pardon me, sir, but did you buy some Zebulonian sperm and give birth to a giant stupidhead?
Captain She-Ro: Who wants to know?
Captain Hero: I do, for I am the donor. My name is Captain Hero.
Captain She-Ro: Captain Hero? Oh no!
Captain Hero: Oh no, what?
Captain She-Ro: I am your...sister.
Xandir: Of course she is.

Wooldoor: [offscreen] I feared Clara would keep me a cripple forever. If only I could tell someone what she was doing.
Foxxy: Hey, Clara. Hey, Wooldoor. How is your healthy patient-Nurse relationship?
Wooldoor: Clara's been poisoning--mmf!
Foxxy: What's that?
Clara: Foxxy, look behind you! It's Denzel Washington!
Foxxy: Denzel! Oh! Where did Denzel go? I guess Denzel musta have an appointment or something, Denzel very busy.
Clara: Uh, look, Foxxy! Denzel came back!
Foxxy: Denzel! Oh, I missed again! He'd moved quickly. Denzel in excellent physical condition.
[Wooldoor's eyes is blinking with some beeping noises]
Foxxy: Hey, I think Wooldoor's trying to communicate through blinkin'.
Clara: Look, Foxxy! Denzel came back for an unbelievable third time!
Foxxy: Denzel!
Denzel Washington: Hello there, Foxxy. Clara's trying keep Wooldoor...
Clara: Foxxy, look out in the hall! It's another Denzel Washington, with two penises!
Foxxy: Double-dong Denzel!
Clara: Goodbye, asshole! [she pushes Denzel Washington out to the window breaks and he falls] It's just you and me now, Wooldoor. No one's going to save you.
Foxxy: Wait a minute, Clara. There ain't nobody in that hallway but triple dong Wesley Snipes. What is going on here?

N.R.A.y RAY (3.05)

Captain Hero: Oh, Wooly Bully and I spent another fun-filled day at the Museum of Tolerance. Every time we go, it reminds us that the world's a tolerant place where nothing ever goes wrong.
[All the happiness stops when Wooldoor and Capt. Hero get home and discover the house has been robbed]
Wooldoor: OH MY GOD!
Captain Hero: We've been robbed! [redos everything he just did backwards] Erehw ecalp tnarelot a s'dlrow eht taht su sdnimer ti og ew emit yreve. Ecnarelot fo Muesum eht ta yad dellif-nuf rehtona tneps I & Yllub Yloow, ho. We've been robbed!
Museum of Tolerance worker: It was probably the blacks or the Mexicans.

Clara: What are you so happy about? Have you seen how fat you are?
Toot: Oh, Clara. You're just jealous cause all my dreams have come true.
Clara: You're never going to be happy until you have a dream that has depth and importance. Like having beautiful hair like mine.

Clara: [screams] WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO ME!?
Spanky: Clara, you don't look so good. Have you put on weight?
Clara: No, Toot stole my beautiful, beautiful hair!
Toot: I didn't steal it, I just woke up with your hair attractively stapled to my scalp.
Clara: I'm gonna have those Jew producers throw you out of this house forever!

Xandir: Hero using assault rifles and armour-piercing bullets to hunt? Don't you think that's a bit excessive?
Captain Hero: Screw you all! It's my right to use these weapons anyway I please, and nothing is going to change my mind.
[doorbell rings]
Bambi: You killed my mother!
Captain Hero: Sucks to be you!

Bambi: [cries] I'm so sad and so cute! I miss mommy!
Captain Hero: I know, broham, but I was just hunting. Ever since the prehistoric cave Jews hunted down Jesusaurses, slaughtering defenceless creatures has been our nation's pastime.
Bambi: I'm not saying you need to stop hunting…
Captain Hero: Bitchin'!
Bambi: But using assault rifles and armor-piercing bullets is just not fair.
Captain Hero: Huh?
Bambi: Just give us a fighting chance, Mr. Hero. Maybe mommy would have lived! [crying]

Bambi: Oh, friends?! Oh, friends?! Gather round! I have some stupendous news for all of us. I was able to convince Mr. Hero to rid the world of all assault rifles and armor-piercing bullets.
[deers cheering]
Bambi: That's right, loyal servants, our plan is working. And now, the war begins!

Wooldoor: Ever wonder why African-American black men are so attracted to large posteriors? Good day, I am Professor Wooldoor Sockbat, here to explain this completely racist phenomenon. [black-and-white footage is shown of an African tribesman being chased by a lion] For centuries, natives found large, roaming badonkadonks to be safe havens from the dangers of the wild. [The tribesman jumps into a large butt, stopping the lion in its tracks.] Their love of huge asses has been written into their genetic code. Even they don't know why... they just know. See you next time, when we explore why Jews have big noses! Is it because air is free?

Bambi: Guess again! It's me, Bambi!
Captain Hero: Just because I'm dating your mother it doesn't mean we have to hang out all the time.
Bambi: You humans have hunted us since the dawn of time. And now, it is our turn to hunt you! Attack!

Mexican't Buy Me Love/Captain Hero and the Cool Kids (3.06)

Toot: I thought we were going to be caged up until we died, like those stupid chickens!
Ling-Ling: The chickens! We must go back and save them!
Toot: Screw that! I'm gonna watch my OWN back from now on! If only I could watch my own feet! [Moves her boobs around, but is unable to see her feet]
Ling-Ling: We must turn back now and save the chickens, for they are Ling-Ling's brothers. But if you only care about yourself, then fine, go.
Toot: Later, asshole! Meep-meep! [takes off in "Road-Runner" style, but only gets a couple feet, falling flat on her chest and gasping and panting heavily; a vulture then flies in and lands on her butt]
Vulture: Jesus, how long has this thing been dead?!

Foxxy: [In confessional] So I was all alone at the dance. And worse, the meteor was about to smash into the Earth! And if the movie "Deep Impact" had anything to go by, the whole planet was about to become boring and unwatchable.
Foxxy: Captain Hero, you got to stop that meteor!
Captain Hero: Can't you see I'm already one knuckle deep into fifth base?
[Clara sexually moaning]
Captain Hero: Shoo! [he pushes Foxxy]
[Everyone laughing]
Foxxy: That's it! [in microphone] Hold up, everybody! Now I know y'all think Captain Hero is real cool.
[Everyone agreed-talking]
Foxxy: But he ain't.
[Everyone disagreed-talking]
Foxxy: I don't know what I was thinking. I fooled y'all into thinking Hero was cool by pretending to be his girlfriend so he would stop that meteor!
[Everyone gasps]
Captain Hero: Wait! I can explain!
Steve from Long Island: Oh, really? Then explain this now. [tears off Hero's Lando costume]
Captain Hero: Spanky? Clara? Steve from Long Island? [goes over to Xandir and Wooldoor] Oh, hey, man. You were right. The cool kids are assholes.
Xandir: You shit on my house, man.
Captain Hero: I know, I know.
Xandir: You shit on my house!
Captain Hero: Yeah, you said that already.

Lost in Parking Space, Part One (3.07)

Clara: Oh, really? How do you explain this? [phone line disconnected] The phone wasn't even plugged in. [makes ghost noises]
Foxxy: Uh, Clara, is that Kirk Cameron hiding behind that plant?
[Camera shows Kirk Cameron hiding behind a houseplant]
Clara: Kirk, you're busted! Run!
Kirk Cameron: To learn more, visit my website wayofthemaster.com. [jumps out of the window] Catch me, Jesus!
[All that's heard is a "thump!"']'

Wooldoor: Wait, I'll go get Clara.
Foxxy: Clara? I'm sick of that Bible-thumping bitch. And besides, what's the fun of a group activity when you can't exclude somebody?
Excludie: You can say that again.
Toot: Shut up, Excludie! Get back in your box!
Excludie: Aww... [walks off and goes back into his box]
Voice: Get out, Excludie! We don't want you!
Excludie: Aww... [walks off]

Lost in Parking Space, Part Two (3.08)

[Lyrics to Scumma Bumma Grubba Moochie]
Ernie and Nathan: Scumma Bumma Grubba Moochie.
Nathan: It's a doosie of a word.
Ernie and Nathan: Scumma Bumma Grubba Moochie.
Ernie: Have some booze and lay a turd in public view.
Nathan: Why the hell not?
Ernie: No need to give a flying fuck about what anyone else might say.
Nathan: My toilet is a tire teens set me on fire and you're off the grid and the tin foil hat blocks the government from accessing the chip in your brain.
Ernie and Nathan: Scumma Bumma Grubba Moochie.
Nathan: Every dumpster is a smorgasbord.
Ernie and Nathan: Scumma Bumma Grubba Moochie.
Xandir: The mean streets are your room and board.
Ernie: The world's your oyster that we know.
Xandir: When you take up the life of a derelict hobo.
Nathan: Living on the easy streets where the Free Masons can't detect you.
Ernie and Nathan: Scumma Bumma Grubba Moochie.
Xandir: Scumma Bumma Grubba Moochie.
Ernie and Nathan: Scumma Bumma Grubba Moochie.
Xandir: Scumma Bumma Grubba Moochie.
Ernie and Nathan: Scumma Bumma Grubba Moochie.
Xandir: Scumma Bumma Grubba Moochie.
Ernie and Nathan: Scumma Bumma Grubba Moochie.
Xandir: Scumma Bumma Grubba Moochie.
Ernie and Nathan: Scumma Bumma Grubba Moochie.
Xandir: Scumma Bumma Grubba Moochie.
Ernie and Nathan: Scumma Bumma Grubba Moochie.

Hot Topic Manager: [Walks into torture room] What part of "we need to evacuate" do you not understand?
Clara: Not today, mister! [Cuts off his arm]
Foxxy: Nice work, Clara! Now let's get- [Clara cuts off his other arm] Okay, I think you got him...
Clara: [Between hacks] I...MUST...GET...INTO...HEAVEN!
Foxxy: Is you done?
Clara: Not sure...how do you know when you're done killing something?
Foxxy: When your man pick you up at the clinic and take you drinking at the club.

Wooldoor: Fine, if we must, we must. But before we eat Ling-Ling, let's take a moment to remember the good times.
Toot: I’ll always remember our trip to Paris... [The housemates are all seen together in Paris] Guys, this trip has really bringed us together.
Ling-Ling: Yes, Ling-Ling comfortable enough to share greatest fear. No matter what happen, please, no eat Ling-Ling.
Wooldoor: And remember when we all got fucking wasted on the roof? [Next the housemates are sitting on the roof looking at the stars] Oh look, a shooting star!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling only wish is for roommates not to eat his body when he die.
Captain Hero: Oh, and remember that time when Ling-Ling learnt to speak English?
[Next, they are in the living room listening to Ling-Ling]
Ling-Ling: [Speaking in English] What's wrong with you people?! Why don't you listen to me? Ling-Ling religion very specific. If body even so dead, he should not be eaten!
Spanky: Well, guys, let's dig in. [Hands out chopsticks] It’s what Ling-Ling would’ve wanted.

Charlotte's Web of Lies (3.09)

Ling Ling: What was Ling Ling thinking?! Battle monster not meant to dance!
Gash: Or is he?
Ling Ling: Gash! What are you doing here?
Gash: I came to see you dance.
Ling Ling: But you said Ling Ling could never be a dancer.
Gash: I was just jealous. I, too, always wanted to be a dancer as well, also, but I didn't have the talent, so I tortured you relentlessly until you became a sociopathic killer, crushing all your dreams. My bad.

Captain Hero: DAMN YOU SCROTO! Aww...
Wooldoor: His name is Scroto?
Captain Hero: Yes.
Wooldoor: So that's what your arch-nemesis does?
Captain Hero: Yep.
Wooldoor: No bank robberies?
Captain Hero: Uh-uh.
Wooldoor: Or blowing up the planet?
Captain Hero: Nope.
Wooldoor: He just tricks superheroes into washing his balls?
Captain Hero: Not all superheroes. Just me...just me.
Wooldoor: What a strange, strange villain.

Breakfast Food Killer (3.10)

Toot: Is this where the auditions are?
Frankenberry: Don't be shy, come in. I'm Frankenberry, the president of the cereal empire. This is Tony Tiger, and of course, you know Violent Retard from Violent Retard Flakes.
Toot: There isn't any cereal called Violent Retard Flakes.
Frankenberry: You tell him.

Toot: Hey, you cereal mascot dickbag! Toot Braunstein is gonna destroy you and the entire cereal empire with these special UPC codes!
Spanky: There's nothing special about UPC Codes. Why, they're everywhere! And have been since 1971. First suggested by Wallace Flint in 1922, the Uniform Product Code or "UPC" was developed–[an annoyed Captain Hero hits him on the head] I like to pee on things!

[Lyrics to Carousel of Progress]
All: Now is the time. Now is the best time. Now is the best time of your life. There's so much to cheer for. Be glad you're here for the best time of your life!

Drawn Together Babies (3.11)

[Lyrics to Drawn Together Babies Theme Song]
All: Ooh wee ooh wee ooh ooh wee ooh. Drawn Together Babies were cute little girls and boys. We use imaginations like athletes use steroids.
Captain Hero: I like to follow the rules.
Princess Clara: I think tolerance is cool.
Toot Braunstein: Yay, friendliness!
Spanky Ham: And cleanliness!
Foxxy Love: I like my chastity.
Walter Sagget: No goofing 'round for me.
Xandir: I like cars and girls!
Sid: I like to sleep on my stomach!
Ling-Ling: And I'm also in this song.
All: Drawn Together Babies, we poopy in our beds. We are so adorable, you'll want to smash our heads in. Drawn Together Babies!

Mommy: Remember, kids, lying is wrong.
All: We're sorry, mommy.
Mommy: Kids, this is Charlotte, your babysitter.
Charlotte the Babysitter: Hi, Drawn Together Babies!
Mommy: Now, you be good little boys and girls, and one adopted homo while mommy and daddy are at court-ordered Therapy.
Daddy: Sweetie, I don't wanna be late, so could you move your fat ass?
Mommy: Shut the hell up, you drunken, unemployed bastard! You're gonna wake up Sid!
[cut to Sid's bassinet, where the buzzing of flies can be heard, indicating that he has passed away]
Xandir: Uh, Mrs. Babysitter, do you want to play with us and our imaginating...
Charlotte the Babysitter: [angrily] Listen, you little bastards! My boyfriend, Chad Huffington, heir to the Huffington Pants fortune, is coming over, so you assholes better shut the hell up and stay in your fucking rooms!
Captain Hero: Don't worry, ma'am, I'll patrol the hallway and make sure they stay put.
Charlotte the Babysitter: Spoken like a true ass-kissing adopted homo.
Walter Sagget: This babysitter's even worse than the one who liked to tickle us with her cigarette.
Clara: Aww, I'm not ready to go to bed.
Foxxy: Me neither!
Spanky: Guys, we don't have to go to bed. I got a plan.

Xandir: Captain Hero is patrolling these hallways, at precisely 9:16, when he turns down the corridor, I'll signal you by shouting like some slutty cheerleader when I give her a shocker!
Spanky: Good, Clara.
Clara: To make a babysitter come, I'll cry even louder than daddy after he found out about black daddy!

Xandir: Ooh, shocker! Ew! The pinky action is what makes it so unique!
Clara: Oh my God! Mrs. Drawn Together, you whore! And tyrone, I paid you to kill her, not fuck her!
Charlotte the Babysitter: Hey, dickwads, I thought I told you to...[trips over the babies' trap] Whoa, whoa, whooaaaa! [Last quote before presumed death]

Spanky: It must be the babysitter's boyfriend, Chad Huffington.
Toot: Heir to the Huffington Pants Fortune?
Spanky: The same.
Walter Sagget: What are we gonna do?
Girls: I got a plan!
Foxxy: I had a plan first.
Clara: No, I said I had a plan first!
Spanky: Well, both of you seem equally qualified, But I say we listen to Foxxy since black people deserve a helping hand.

Xandir: My water broke!
Rebellious Chase: Oh my God!
Chad Huffington: We have to get her to the hospital!
Rebellious Chase: Don't forget the birthing mix! Birthing mix!
Chad Huffington: Oh my! Let's go, let's go!
Xandir: Uh, guys? Did you forget something?
Chad Huffington and Rebellious Chase: Sorry.

Foxxy: Walter, what happened to your face?
Wooldoor: What the fuck happened to your face?!

Nipple Ring-Ring Goes to Foster Care (3.12)

Foxxy: We went to the Rice Museum/Holocaust Memorial, and Daddy got me this awesome T-shirt! It says, "Never forget..." [turns around]
Uncle Benny: "...to salt the water before boilin' the rice."

Captain Hero: This has gotten so good! You know that kid I've been fucking with?
Xandir: Um, yeah, you mean you?
Captain Hero: Yes. It turns out he's unstable! [suddenly enraged] WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME?!
Xandir: Because you're talking to me.
Captain Hero: [sobbing] Then why won't you listen?!? [calm again] Anyhoo...

Toot Goes Bollywood/Foxxy and the Gang Bang (3.13)

Phat Allen: Boy, Foxxy. They ought to call you a German pornstar's mouth.
Foxxy: German pornstar's mouth?
Phat Allen: 'Cause you full of shit!
[Phat Allen and his gang laugh]'

Foxxy: What the hell is wrong with you, Toot?! Can't you see I'm bangin' Astro?
Scooby-Doo: Ri rain't Rastro, ritch!
Toot: Jesus, Foxxy, you're such a whore! You've had more infected wangs in you than a Shanghai hospital!
Scooby-Doo: Roh ro you ridn't!
Foxxy: You just jealous because you couldn't get screwed at a convention of Jewish insurance salesmen!
Scooby-Doo: Rou rid rot rust ro there!

American Idol Parody Clip Show/The Elimination Special, Part II: The Elimination (3.14)

Jew Producer: Toot, you suck, yet you keep returning. How do you explain this phenomenon?
Toot: Well, how do you explain your fugly face!?
Jew Producer: I was burned in a horrible accident. It's quite sad, really.

[Lyrics to One House]
Captain Hero, Wooldoor, Xandir, and Ling-Ling: One house to hold us all.
Toot, Foxxy, Spanky, and Clara: Eight different cartoon characters.
Captain Hero, Wooldoor, Xandir, and Ling-Ling: Letting it all hang out.
Toot, Foxxy, Spanky, and Clara: In front of one million cameras.
All: We're Drawn Together!
Everyone except Clara: Yeah!
[Clara excessively holds the last note]

Jew Producer: Captain Hero, the votes are in, and you are...safe!
Captain Hero: Oh my God! I love you, America! So why shouldn't we have a fucking baby?!

[Lyrics to Labia Unplugged]
Foxxy: La la la la labia baby you've got something for me.
Clara: In your wizard sleeve.
Both: La la la la labia baby you've got something for me.
Clara: Some sweet PT.
Both: Hoochie coochie gitchy gitchy yeah yeah yeah. Gotta snatcha gunna catcha yatcha yeah yeah yeah.
Foxxy: Binja minja.
Clara: Bearded clam.
Foxxy: Furry burger.
Clara: Smiley Bam.
Both: La la la la labia baby you've got something for me.
Clara: Oh, yesiree.
Both: Fluffy muffy stuffy in the yeah yeah yeah. I've got a fever for a beaver weaver yeah yeah yeah.
Foxxy: Honey pot.
Clara: Peachy pie.
Octopussior: Take it to the Y-clef.
Both: La la la la la labia. For me.
Foxxy: Yeah!
Both: La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la labia.
Clara: Some sweet PT.
Foxxy: You got something
Both: La la la la labia la la la la la labia.
Foxxy: Baby! Baby! Labi! Labia! My Babia! Got something for me.
Both: Labia my babia got something. Labia!

Toot: (offscreen) Hey, assholes, thanks for watching!



Voice cast

Tara Strong - Princess Clara, Toot Braunstein, Child Services Woman, Wilma Flintstone, Timmy the Baby Paper, Josie McCoy, Captain Hero's Mother, Unusually Flexible Girl, Nicaraguan Baby Girl, TV Reviewer, Charlie Brown, Linus Van Pelt, Ariel, Snow White, Bambi, Gwyneth Paltrow, Mom, and EW Critic
James Arnold Taylor - Wooldoor Sockbat, The Jew Producer, Fudge Judge, Steve from Long Island, Genie, God, Jeffrey, Captain Hero's Son, Fred Flintstone, Violent Retard, Cereal Commercial Boy, and Chad Huffington
Cree Summer - Foxxy Love, Strawberry Sweetcake, Evil Stepmother, Daphne Blake, Ni-Pul, Supernanny, Old Woman #2, Sleeping Beauty, Georgina Georgiopolis, Captain She-Ro, Queen of Mexico, Old Woman #1, Fran Drescher, Letta Lame, Hindu Mother, Foxxy Dark, Foxxy Phat, Foxxy Yella, Lil Foxxy, and Barbara
Abbey DiGregorio - Ling-Ling, Sweatshop Kids Leader, and Cereal Commercial Girl
Jack Plotnick - Xandir P. Wifflebottom
Adam Carolla - Spanky Ham
Jess Harnell - Captain Leslie Hero, Octopussoir, Jun-Lee, Bizarro Captain Hero, Hindu Pizza Man, King of Insurance, Malcolm Exposition, The Terminator, Hot Topic Guy, Musical Director, Hulk, Dig'em Frog, General Mills, Dad, Megatron, Hindu Father, Bill Cosby, Cap'n Crunch, and Mickey Mouse
Alex Borstein - Lois Griffin, Jelly Donuts Leader, AIDS Walk Coordinator, and Clerk at Candy Store
Paget Brewster - Child Services Woman
Chris Edgerly - Snagglepuss, Elmer Fudd, Buckie Bucks, Board of Education, Doctor, and Captain Colonicus
Jason Huber - Gash, Scroto, Franken Berry, and Sugar Bear
Billy West - Mall Security Guard, Popeye, Stimpson "Stimpy" J. Cat, and Denzel Washington
Carlos Mencia - King of Mexico
Ian Ziering - Chase Huffington
Debi Mae West - Vajoana (Joan Rivers)
Will Forte - Kirk Cameron
Jonathan Kimmel - The King (Clara's father)
Kath Soucie - Charlotte the Babysitter
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