Joan Rivers
American comedian, actress, and television host (1933–2014)
Joan Alexandra Rosenberg (June 8, 1933 – September 4, 2014), known by her stage name Joan Rivers, was an American actress, comedian, writer, producer and television host, best known for her stand-up comedy, for co-hosting the E! celebrity fashion show Fashion Police, and for starring in the reality series Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best? alongside her daughter Melissa Rivers.
Quotes
edit- There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
- Quoted in L.A. Times (10 May 1974), as reported in The Yale Book of Quotations (2006), p. 638
- [Catchphrase:] Can we talk?
- Quoted in Wash. Post (24 Aug. 1982), as reported in The Yale Book of Quotations (2006), p. 638
- [Catchphrase:] Oh, grow up!
- Frequent response to an audience's groans or reactions to her remarks.
- Why do wives have to spend so much time dusting, vacuuming, mopping, making beds, washing dishes, when you just have to do it all again six months later?
- As quoted in Enjoy Your Gifted Child (1986), by C. A. Takacs, p. 55
- Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
- As quoted in R. Byrne, Third and Possibly the Best 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said (1987)
- I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me "sir."
- As quoted in R. Byrne, Third and Possibly the Best 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said (1987)
- I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
- On her plastic surgeries, quoted in The New York Times, 2008 (republished in The New York Daily News
- My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
- Joan Rivers on BBC 2 (23 February 1990), as reported in The Quotable Jewish Woman (2004), by E. Partnow, p. 179
- Never floss with a stranger.
- As quoted in Words of Wisdom (1990), ed. by W. Safire & L. Safir, p. 358
- It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.
- Reported in The Quotable Quote Book (Carol Publishing Group, 1990), p. 258
- Two is company; three is fifty bucks.
- Reported in The Quotable Quote Book (1990), p. 258
- Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly—hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.
- As quoted in Reader's Digest Quotable Quotes (1997), p. 87
- Looking fifty is great—if you're sixty.
- As quoted in Dick Enberg's Humorous Quotes for All Occasions (2000), p. 21
- I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
- As quoted in Dick Enberg's Humorous Quotes for All Occasions (2000), p. 101
- A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
- As quoted in Funny Ladies (2001), by B. Adler, p. 147
- My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
- As quoted in Funny Ladies (2001), by B. Adler, p. 213
- I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
- As quoted in Funny Ladies (2001), by B. Adler, p. 272
- I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
- As quoted in The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said (2003), by R. Byrne, 94
- Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'
- As quoted in On Being Blonde: Wit and Wisdom from the World's Most Infamous Blondes (2004), by P. Munier, p. 83
- I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
- As quoted in On Being Blonde (2004), by P. Munier, p. 84
- My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
- As quoted in On Being Blonde (2004), by P. Munier, p. 84
- You know you are getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
- Reported in The Quote Manual: Wisdom and Wit of the Ages (2005), by R. G. Moscatelli, p. 201
- People say money is not the key to happiness, but I've always figured if you have enough money you can get a key made.
- As quoted in Seriously Funny (2009), by G. Nachman, p. 606
- I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes—and six months later you have to start all over again.
- As quoted in Women Talk, edited by Michèle Brown & Ann OʼConnor (1984)
Misattributed
edit- Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
- David Seabury, as quoted in The Forbes Scrapbook of Thoughts on the Business of Life (1950), p. 248
Quotes about Rivers
edit- No one loved life, laughter and a good time more than Joan. We would have dinner and laugh and gossip and I always left the table smiling. She was a brassy, often outrageous and hilarious performer who made millions laugh. In private, she was the picture of elegance and class. I will miss her.
