What can you expect when you're on top? You know? It's like Napoleon. When he was the king, you know, people were just constantly trying to conquer him, you know, in the Roman Empire. So, it's history repeating itself all over again.
You're not the boss of me, Jack. You're not the king of Dirk. I'm the boss of me. I'm the king of me. I'm Dirk Diggler. I'm the star. It's my big dick and I say when we roll. You know what? I'm the biggest star here, man. That's the way it is! I want to fuck! It's my big dick! So, everybody get ready fuckin' NOW!
[practicing his lines in a mirror] "I've been around this block twice now looking for something - a clue. Been looking for clues and something led me back here, yeah, so here I am. Could've been me who was at Ringo's place when the shit went down. Hey, I know how it is, I've been there. We've all done bad things. We've all had those guilty feelings in our hearts. You wanna take your brain out of your head and wash it and scrub it and make it clean. Well, no, but I'm gonna help you settle this. First we're gonna check for holes and see what we can find. Then, we're gonna get nice and wet, so you're gonna spread your legs. Oh, that's good, so you know me, you know my reputation. Thirteen inches is a tough load, I don't treat you gently. That's right. I'm Brock Landers. So I'm gonna be nice, and I'm gonna ask you one more time. Where the fuck is Ringo?" I'm a star. I'm a star, I'm a star, I'm a star. I am a big bright shining star. Yeah, that's right.
Jack Horner: But you gotta get the people in the theater. You know, you need the big dicks, the big tits...
Amber Waves: Uh oh, here we go.
Jack Horner: How do you keep them in the theater after they've come? The beauty and the acting. No, I understand you've got to get 'em in the theater. You know, you've got to get the seats full. But I don't want to make a film where they show up, they sit down, they jack off, and they get up and they get out before the story ends. It is my dream, it is my goal, it is my idea to make a film where the story just sucks them in. And when they spurt out that joy juice, they've got to just sit in it. They can't move until they find out how the story ends. You know, I want to make a film like that. And I understand, they have to make films...I've made them myself, you know where there's a few laughs, everyone fucks their brains out. And that's fine. But it's my dream to make a film that is true and right and dramatic.
Jack Horner: The Colonel here puts up all the money for our films. It's an important part of the process.
Eddie Adams: Great.
Colonel James: I'm looking forward to seeing you in action. Jack says you've got a great big cock.
Eddie Adams: Well, I don't know, I guess so.
Colonel James: May I see it?
Eddie Adams: Really?
Colonel James: Please! [stares as Eddie lowers his shorts]
Colonel James: Thank you, Eddie!
Eddie Adams: No problem.
[the Colonel continues to stare as Eddie walks away]
Eddie Adams: Jack, I was thinking about my name, y'know?
Jack Horner: Yeah?
Eddie Adams: I was wondering if you had any ideas.
Jack Horner: I've got a few, but you tell me.
Eddie Adams: Well, my idea was, y'know, I want a name, I want it so it can cut glass, y'know, razor sharp.
Jack Horner: Tell me.
Eddie Adams: When I close my eyes, I see this thing, a sign, I see this name in bright blue neon lights with a purple outline. And this name is so bright and so sharp that the sign - it just blows up because the name is so powerful... It says, "Dirk Diggler." What do you think?
Jack Horner: I think...that's a great name.
[in a scene from "Brock Landers: Angels Live In My Town"]
Jessie St. Vincent: I could die of starvation before I get something in my mouth.
[cut to bedroom]
Dirk Diggler: [as Brock] You still hungry?
Jessie St. Vincent: Starving.
Dirk Diggler: [unzipping his pants] Why don't you feast on that?
Floyd Gondolli: This is the future. Videotape tells the truth.
Jack Horner: Wait a minute. You come into my house, my party, to tell me about the future? That the future is tape, videotape, and not film? That it's amateurs and not professionals? I'm a filmmaker, which is why I will never make a movie on tape. I'll tell you something else. I will never, ever loan out any of the actors that I have under contract.
Floyd Gondolli: Wait, Jack. I'm not a complicated man. I like cinema. In particular, I like to see people fucking on film. But I don't want to win an Oscar and I don't want to reinvent the wheel. I like simple pleasures...like butter in my ass, lollipops in my mouth. That's just me. That's just something that I enjoy. Call me crazy, call me a pervert...but there's one little thing I want to do in this life and that is to make a dollar and a cent in this business. I'm not trying to hurt you. I'm trying to help you stay one step ahead of the game.
[Amber and Rollergirl are high on cocaine]
Amber Waves: I miss my two sons, you know. I miss my little Andrew... and I miss my Dirk. I always felt like Dirk was my baby. My new baby. Don't you miss Dirk?
Amber Waves: He's so fucking talented, the bastard. You know, I just... I love him, Rollergirl. I really love the stupid jerk. [laughs]
Rollergirl: [in tears] I love you, Mom. I want you to be my mom, Amber. Are you my mom? I'll just... I'll ask you if you're my mom, and you say yes, okay? Are you my mom?
[Colonel James is in jail after being arrested for cocaine possession and attempted statutory rape]
Jack Horner: All right, you didn't know how old she was, and you just brought her back to your place, that's all. You didn't do anything.
Colonel James: No.
Jack Horner: You didn't do anything, right?
Colonel James: No! You know me Jack.
Jack Horner: All right.
Colonel James: It's just... They found something else at the house.
Jack Horner: What?
Colonel James: Well... it's just... it's my fucking weakness, Jack. They're so cute. They're so small. They're so adorable.
Jack Horner: [disgusted] Ah, Jesus...
Colonel James: I don't touch them, Jack! Now, I love you, Jack, you know that. Now, can you, ah, can you help me, here?
Jack Horner: All right. [puts the phone down and gets up to leave]
Colonel James: Jack, wait a minute. Jack, wait a minute. Jack!
Dirk Diggler: Look, man, all we need is the tapes, all right?
Record Producer: No, you don't get the tapes until you've paid.
Dirk Diggler: In our situation, that doesn't make any fucking sense.
Reed Rothchild: Look, we cannot pay for the tapes, unless we take the tapes to the record company, and get paid.
Dirk Diggler: Hello? Exactly.
Record Producer: That's not an MP, that's a YP, your problem. Come up with the money, or forget it.
Reed Rothchild: Okay, now you're talking above my head. I don't know all of this industry jargon, YP, MP, whatever. All I know is that I can't get a record contract, we cannot get a record contract unless we take those tapes to the record company. And granted, the tapes themselves are a uh um oh, you own them, all right, but the magic that is on those tapes. That fucking heart and soul that we put onto those tapes, that is ours and you don't own that. Now I need to take that magic and get it over the record company. And they're waiting for us, we were supposed to be there a half hour ago. We look like assholes, man.
Dirk Diggler: Let me explain to him in simple arithmetic. One, two three! Because you don't fuckin' get it, Burt! You give us the tapes. We get the record contract. We come back and give you your fuckin' money. Have you heard the tapes? Have you even heard them? We're guaranteed a record deal. Our stuff is that good!
Record Producer: Now I get it. Now I understand. You want it to happen... but it's not going to happen. Because it's a Catch-22.
Dirk Diggler: What the fuck does that mean? What is a Catch-22, Burt?
Record Producer: Catch-22, gentlemen. Think about it.
Dirk Diggler: You know what I'm thinking about, man? I'm thinking about kicking some fuckin' ass!