ALF (season 4)
season of television series
ALF is an American sitcom that aired on NBC. The title character is Gordon Shumway, a sarcastic, friendly extraterrestrial nicknamed ALF (an acronym for Alien Life Form), who crash-lands in the garage of the suburban middle-class Tanner family.
Baby, Come Back [4.01] edit
- Willie: Call us crazy, ALF. We just feel that we should have a human babysitter what with Eric being human and all.
- ALF: Oh, I see. And have you thought about what happens to me, while that human babysitter rummages trough my fridge?
- Kate: What do you mean your fridge?
- ALF: Okay, it's your fridge, but the fuzz in the meat drawer is mine.
- ALF: Well, that should take care of the pesky gophers. [goes upstairs to Eric's room and he finds out that Eric is gone] Eric, I'm back! Did you have time to reload? Eric? Eric! Eric! Eric! Oh, he's gone! What have I done? Eric! Well, so much for keeping my powder dry. Eric!
Lies [4.02] edit
- Willie: [reading tabloid] "Amazon women found on Alpha Centauri." So?
- ALF: Everyone knows Alpha Centauri is just a bunch of bowling alleys and divorced guys!
- Brian: [reading from his history book] Okay, here's the last one. "What German leader was responsible for starting World War II?"
- ALF: That's a tough one. It was either Colonel Klink or Sergeant Schultz. It was probably Klink. Schultz could have never pulled it off.
Wanted: Dead or Alive [4.03] edit
- ALF: [after Willie was sent to FBI] Willie's been caught. Kate thinks I've turned him in. I'm gonna end up hung by my neck in a Chinese deli.
- ALF: [when Willie came home from FBI] Willie! Oh, Willie, I knew that you were innocent. I'm so excited I could leave a spot right here on the carpet!
We're in the Money [4.04] edit
- Willie: Kate, do you know anything about this letter?
- Kate: [reading a letter] "Dear Mr. Tanner, Enclosed please find confirmation numbers for stocks purchased this week."
- Willie: Willie, I thought we were gonna consult each other before doing anything stupid.
- Kate: Well, it's got to be a mistake.
- Willie: Probably a 3 foot furry mistake.
- Kate: Sometimes I think we should just sign everything over to him and slip away in the middle of the night.
- Willie: Some people are so blinded by the thirst for money, that it causes them to lose their values and do things they shouldn't do.
- ALF: Well, that explains Ghostbusters II.
Mind Games [4.05] edit
- [Larry comes to visit the Tanners]
- Willie: Well, what's your professional opinion?
- Larry: He's bored.
- Willie: But you don't think there's any underlying psychological reason?
- Larry: Maybe boredom.
- Kate: That's it?
- Larry: Well, he's a very intelligent being. I mean, he needs to be challenged.
- Kate: He needs to be muzzled.
- Willie: He has the computer. I've bought him dozens of books, video tapes.
- Kate: He has plenty to do. The problem is he wants to be in the middle of whatever we're doing.
- Larry: It's easy to forget, you know, that he's an adult and he wants to be treated like one.
- Kate: So, what do we do?
- Larry: Well, you could, talk to him, tell him your feelings ask for advice, his opinion, and do it at dinner. It'll work wonders.
- Kate: What if it doesn't?
- Larry: We'll have dessert.
- Willie: [while cutting the bread] And he's just gotten completely carried away with this therapy thing.
- Larry: You know ALF, he gets carried away with everything he does. What motivated you to let it go this far?
- Willie: Oh, stop it, Larry. I've had enough of this all week. Just fix it.
- Larry: Yeah, you know what they say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
- Kate: In ALF's hands, foam rubber is a dangerous thing.
- Willie: Do you think you can help?
- Larry: Trust me. I'm a professional.
- Kate: The last time someone said that to me, I ended up with purple hair.
Hooked on a Feeling [4.06] edit
- ALF: [looking at the cotton] But the cotton. Ah, the cotton! All the flavor of a fine polyester with none of the unpleasant aftertaste. [eats the cotton]
- ALF: I miss Saturday night aphid chews. I miss my friends. Especially Rhonda. I remember 1 night after harness racing she was helping me out of my bridle.
He Ain't Heavy, He's Willie's Brother [4.07] edit
- Willie: [reading a note that ALF wrote] "Dear Neal, take some advice from a guy who loves you like a brother. There's a camper leaving town at noon either be in it or under it. Love, Anonymous."
- ALF: I love when you read to me.
- Willie: I told you this was none of your concern, didn't I? [angrily] Didn't I make it perfectly clear you were to stay out of this?
- ALF: Obviously not clear enough.
- Kate: What exactly did this note say, ALF?
- ALF: Well, I seem to recall, and I'm paraphrasing now. Amscray, wearing out your welcome. Oh, and deadbeat. Sincerely yours, William Tanner.
- Willie: You signed my name?
- ALF: Well, you got mad when I signed the first one anonymous. Is there no pleasing you?
The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face [4.08] edit
- Willie: Neal is getting his own apartment now, ALF. Hopefully things will be returning to normal here. I should think that would make you happy.
- Neal: [offscreen] Willie, you up there?
- Willie: I mean, yeah. Under the bed.
- ALF: Okay, I will. And I won't let this degrade me at all, in case you're worried. [hides under the bed]
- [ALF and Neal are playing chess]
- Neal: So in other words, what you're saying is, except for having 8 stomachs you're really not special in any way.
- ALF: Oh, gee, thanks. Hey, are you gonna play, or are you gonna jabber on all night?
- Neal: Well, I thought you said this pointy guy could only move diagonally.
- ALF: Did I say that? Well, what I meant was it can only move diagonally, except when the move follows the taking of an odd number of the opponent's men from the board.
- Neal: Oh.
- ALF: You sure you've never played this game before?
- Neal: No, this is my first time.
- ALF: Good. Let's play for money. Gin. You owe me 1500 bucks.
Live and Let Die [4.09] edit
- Willie: [comes in the kitchen] Kate, I have some very bad news.
- Kate: What is it?
- Willie: I found a cat outside by a fence. He's dead?
- Kate: Lucky? Oh no.
- ALF: So, what's the bad news?
- Willie: That was the bad news. Thank you for your concern.
- Kate: Well honey, what happened?
- Willie: Well, he must've died in his sleep. Apparently he was a lot older than the vet said he was. I wrapped him in a towel and put him in the garage.
- Kate: Poor Lucky.
- ALF: [after Lucky died] The Luck-meister is dead! This is indeed a very dark day for anyone who knew him, or chased him. Is the crock pot still under the sink?
- Lynn: [praying for Lucky] Please take care of Lucky and let him be happy. Tell him we miss him. Amen.
- ALF: Lynn, that was indeed beautiful. I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite every night before bed: "And if I die before I wake, chicken fry me like a steak."
- Kate: ALF!
- ALF: Hey, they were his words!
Break Up to Make Up [4.10] edit
- [Lynn is showing ALF 2 drawings on the board]
- ALF: Okay, okay. We've got a clock and a bird. Bird watch! A bird watching. That's it! Let's eat! Are you sure? Watch bird. Watch bird. [Lynn draws an arrow] One flew over the cuckoo's nest. [Lynn grunts and points to ALF a clock and a bird] That's my final answer, make it work. Oh, come on, what else could it be? [timer dings]
- Lynn: What about time flies?
- ALF: What about a halfway decent clue?
- ALF: Oh great. My party's turning into a suicide watch.
Happy Together [4.11] edit
- ALF: [voiceover, after leaving the Tanners] Oh, Lordie, Lordie. I'm free at last!
- [Neal turns off the music that ALF is listening to as there is a knock on the door]
- Neal: Oh, no! How long have the neighbors been banging on the walls?
- ALF: Well, my guess would be all night. And frankly, I find it annoying.
- Neal: ALF, about this roommate situation, I just don't-
- ALF: I know, I know, I'm a little out of control but that's because I'm young and foolhardy. I've always depended on the kindness of strangers. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
- Neal: I don't hate you! But you do have to learn a little consideration for other people!
- [the door knocks]
- Police Officer: [voiceover] Police officers. Would you open the door please?
- ALF: And you have the nerve to lecture me.
Fever [4.12] edit
- Willie: [to ALF, after he sneezed] I think you've caught my cold!
- ALF: Impossible. I told you before, Melmackians never get sick. Only inferior, backwards species get sick. [pause] No offense.
- Kate: Just to be on the safe side, you better go upstairs and lie down.
- ALF: Okay, but I'll need the microwave, the TV, the VCR, and Police Academies 1, 2, 3, and 6. [pause] 4 and 5 lacked the pathos and emotional underpinnings of the others.
- Kate: [as she and Willie check on ALF] Here are the books you wanted ALF.
- Willie: How are you feeling?
- ALF: Like someone stuffed gerbils up my nose!
- Kate: You sound awful.
- Willie: Nice touch, ALF. Don't encourage him.
- Kate: Willie.
- ALF: But I really am feeling worse!
- Willie: My cold ran its course in a week. Isn't it interesting that yours is hanging on so long?
- ALF: Look at this nose, Willie. There's enough room in there for the viruses to start their own republic. In fact, I think I hear their vice president speaking. [he blows his nose]
It's My Party [4.13] edit
- Kate: It's happening! He's going to ruin everything!
- [Willie ties ALF outside after seeing him in the room dancing]
- ALF: Willie, it's not my fault. It was that devil music, it called to me. Suddenly, I was burning with passion, desperately looking for a carbon maranda hat. The kind of fruit?
- Willie: Uh-huh! You can't be trusted pal. This is for your own good.
- ALF: Ha! There isn't a garbage shed in the town that could hold me. [after Willie leaves, he hums conga music, and then burps] Ow!
Make 'em Laugh [4.14] edit
- ALF: [dreaming as a comedian] Anyone here have been to a fast food restaurant? On Melmac, they were the worst. You ask for extra crispy, they give you a cat with a tritest. [crowd laughs] You know about the Melmacian National Library burning down? They lost both books. [crowd laughs] And the second one wasn't even colored in yet! [everyone claps]
- ALF: [talking from his dream as he wakes up] I was funny, I was funny, I was funny.
- Willie: [he and Kate come in the attic] ALF!
- ALF: Whoa!
- Willie: You're alright?
- ALF: Oh, Willie, I had a nightmare. I was a stand up comic and I had to clean up vomit! Listen, I've decided not to be a comedian. I hope you're not too disappointed.
- Willie: Oh, we dealt with you giving up Dirty Dancing. I think we can deal with this.
- ALF: Thanks. I just realized I'm too pretty to be funny. I envy you Kate.
- Kate: Thanks, AL.
- ALF: What?
- Kate: You heard me. Breakfast will be ready in 15 minutes. [leaves the attic]
- Willie: [does do some kung fu moves] Because you must be STARVING, STRAVING! [ALF freaks out] Hurry up because Eric in Charge is on!
- ALF: No! [wakes up from his real dream] No, no! Whoa! Whew! Well at least Woody Allen liked me. I'm getting out of comedy. Think I'll be a plate spinner. Yeah.
Love on the Rocks [4.15] edit
- Lynn: [while practicing for a play] You will all be glad to see me burn, but if I go through the fire, I shall go through it to their hearts, forever and ever. And so, God be with me.
- ALF: [answers the phone] Hello. Oh, hi, Neal. What's up, dude?
- Neal: Yeah, is Willie there? Anybody? Darn, we're so excited about our news and there's nobody to tell.
- ALF: Oh, then let me find someone. Hello? You're the guy with the news, huh?
- Neal: Sorry, ALF. Margaret and I are getting married.
- ALF: What?!
- Neal: Yeah! We're driving to Vegas to tie the knot.
- ALF: But, Neal.
- Margaret: [offscreen] Honey?
- Neal: Listen, I gotta go. Tell everybody the good news for me, okay? Bye. [hangs up]
- ALF: But, Neal, wait! Don't- hang up. This had to happen on my watch. Do I sit by and do nothing or risk all and save the poor schlub? Well, it is Vegas. And there is that sock of quarters Brian's been saving.
True Colors [4.16] edit
- ALF: Lynn, a word to the wise. Forget art! Stick with plan A: Throw yourself at the first rich man to come along.
- Lynn: [comes home from school angrily] You are in big trouble, mister! You've got a lot of explaining to do!
- ALF: Oh, Willie, Willie. You're a constant disappointment to Kate and me.
- Lynn: Do you know what he did? He stuffed his painting in my portfolio thinking somehow Mr. Reuben would critique it before I could find it.
- Kate: Oh, that was an awfully stupid plan, ALF.
- Lynn: That's what I thought at first.
- ALF: It worked. I knew it! I knew watching The Brady Bunch wasn't a waste of time! What did he have to say? Huh, huh, huh?
- Lynn: Oh, great. The fun part. Now I get to tell him.
- ALF: I knew it. He hated it. Excuse me while I open a vein.
- Lynn: Wait, ALF, before you make a mess the truth is he liked it. He said it was brave, raw, and inspired.
- ALF: Oh, joy! Oh, rapture! My day and a half of suffering has paid off.
- Willie: You mean it's possible that this could truly be a work of art?
- ALF: And so the breakdown of human civilization begins.
- Lynn: This is horrible. Mr. Reuben thinks I have talent. What am I going to do?
- ALF: Oh, how do you get yourself into these things?
- Lynn: What you did was thoughtless, selfish, and egotistical! [leaves angrily]
- ALF: You spend your life raising them and this is the thanks you get.
Gimme That Old Time Religion [4.17] edit
- Willie: I don't know what to get your mother for our anniversary. After 22 years of marriage, what can I possibly get her that would really make her happy?
- Lynn: You could always drop ALF off in the desert.
- Willie: No, wouldn't want to waste that on anything less than our 25th.
- Brian [reading the first question] What's is the kindest thing that you can do for someone else?
- ALF: Burp down wind.
- Willie: He's right. It says, "He who burps down wind can party with me anytime."
Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades [4.18] edit
- ALF: I should have crashed on a planet where people live longer. I never plan ahead.
- Willie: ALF, you're driving us crazy with this death obsession. You and Woody Allen. At least it's funny when he does it.
- ALF: Oh, he's just bitter because he can't sell a sitcom.
- Lynn: ALF, I hope you realize we'd never do any of those things. And thanks for having such a high opinion of us.
- Brian: ALF, I know you're really worried, and you have every right to be, but just tell me one thing. Did I have all my hair?
- ALF: Your hair was the least of your problems.
- Kate: ALF, no matter what happens as long as you have to stay hidden we'll always make provisions for you.
- ALF: Prove it. Put the house in my name.
When I'm 64 [4.19] edit
- ALF: Oh, please, Willie? Stay home. We'll order out. It'll be my treat. By the way, can I borrow a couple of hundred till payday? I seem to have misplaced your credit card.
- Willie: For the last time, no, ALF.
- ALF: [while standing outside of a retirement home] Oh, wow! This could be Louise's window. That could be her nightstand. Those could be her teeth! Just my luck. She's not in them.
Mr. Sandman [4.20] edit
- Willie: My great grandfather, Silas Tanner was a pioneer. He was an adventurer. The last 4 years of his life, he prospected for gold.
- ALF: You know, my great uncle Louie Louie was a prospector. He started the Great Foam Rush of aught 8.
- ALF: [while digging for a treasure] Give up. He must be mad. Mad, I tell me, mad! No one's gonna cheat me out of my right to someone else's legacy. [feels something hard with a shovel] Hey, what's this? Wooden planks! Yes! Yes! I found the treasure! I'm, I'm going to be stupid! [laughs and then yells as he falls down to the water]
Stayin' Alive [4.21] edit
- Brian: And these pictures of Earth were taken from space?
- ALF: Yeah. By satellite. See that guy waving? That's your dad.
- Brian: Really? [ALF laughs] What's that? Gotcha! It took me 4 years and I finally got you.
- ALF: What can I say? You've learned well, Grasshopper. Congratulations. Ha! What a maroon!
- ALF: [reading a letter] "Dear Sendrax. You should stop making CFC's because as Gordon Shumway says there's no zone like the ozone. Much love, Marvin Hamlisch."
Hungry Like the Wolf [4.22] edit
- Kate: ALF, if you're really serious about losing weight, you're gonna have to start exercising regularly and eating less.
- ALF: Well, what if I just gave up eating your cooking?
- ALF: [acting like a wolf] Silence, suburban ones. You scare prey from hunting ground.
I Gotta Be Me [4.23] edit
- ALF: You know, I don't understand why Lynn didn't just lie.
- Willie: Well, maybe that's your way, ALF but not everybody's like that.
- ALF: Well, it's a curse. Fortunately, I have the boyish charm to pull it off.
- ALF: Lynn's probably so relaxed she'll have to be wheeled in.
Consider Me Gone [4.24] edit
- ALF: [reading his stick] 4 years and they give me a stick.
- [last scene of the series]
- Willie: Safe home, my friend.
- ALF: No problem, we'll be going against traffic.
- [a light shines on ALF]
- Willie: ALF! Someone's coming! Get back here!
- [a group of vans come]
- ALF: What! [whimpers] Uh oh! Wait! Wait! Don't leave me!
- [a group of officers come]
- Brian: ALF! Dad, do something!
- Officer: Stay right where you are!
- ALF: [last lines] Uh, hey guys. Want to grab a Burski? How about those Lakers, huh? This is my luck, I'm a sports fan among you.
- [the final episode ends with a group of officers surrounding ALF]