The Brady Bunch

The Brady Bunch (1969–1974) was an American television situation comedy, airing on ABC, based around a large blended family.

Theme song

• Here's the story of a lovely lady
  Who was bringing up three very lovely girls.
  All of them had hair of gold, like their mother,
  The youngest one in curls.

  Here's the story, of a man named Brady,
  Who was busy with three boys of his own,
  They were four men, living all together,
  Yet they were all alone.

  Till the one day when the lady met this fellow,
  And they knew it was much more than a hunch,
  That this group would somehow form a family.
  That's the way we all became the Brady Bunch.

  The Brady Bunch, the Brady Bunch.
  That's the way we became the Brady Bunch.

Season 1

The Honeymoon [1.1]

Peter: [to Mike] I once saw a movie where a man was getting married. He was so nervous he forgot to put his pants on.

Bobby: [looks under the table] You’re OK, dad.

---

Desk clerk: Oh, Mr. Brady, you have signed this Mr. Brady, Mrs. Brady and family.

Mike: Hmm, I forgot. It’s force of habit. Kids aren’t with us.

Desk clerk: But you did ask for the honeymoon suite.

Carol: Oh, it’s quite alright Mr. Pringle. You see …

Mike: [interrupts her] It’s quite alright darling. No need to explain. It’s obvious that this gentleman doesn’t dig the modern generation.

Dear Libby [1.2]

Cindy: You cheated.

Bobby: I did not. And besides: You didn’t see me.

Cindy: I did too!

---

Carol: I don’t hear anything

Mike: What’s the matter with that?

Carol: Six kids and no noise. That’s what’s the matter with that… I’ve never heard such a loud silence.

Eenie, Meenie, Mommy, Daddy [1.3]

Alice: Anyone offering a trip to Europe for the right answer?

---

Cindy: [as she picks off flower petals] Eenie, Meenie, Mommy, Daddy.

Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore [1.4]

Mike: It's just not gonna be the same without Alice.

Greg: Well, we can't make her stay. Abraham Lincoln put a stop to that.

Katchoo [1.5]

Carol: I'm afraid we were going to get rid of daddy!

A Clubhouse Is Not a Home [1.6]

Mike: Well then?

Greg: We're sick of doing all these things.

Peter: Do this, do that, they're a real pain.

Bobby: Yeah, they're too bossy.

---

[Bobby and Cindy are fighting because Cindy took Bobby's Little Owl outfit and wore it.]

Bobby: You better take that off before I count to three!

[Bobby starts counting to three.]

Bobby: [counts] One...

Cindy: I bet you can't even count to three.

Bobby: [counts] Two...

Cindy: You don't scare me!

Bobby: [counts] Two and a half...

Alice: Hey, hey! What is this arithmetic about?

Bobby: If she doesn't take that off, I'm going to scalp her!

Alice: Why?

Bobby: Because she's wearing my outfit. I'm "Little Owl", not her!

---

[In the living room, Mike and Carol both have the kids in a family meeting.]

Mike: [to all the kids] When your mother and I got married, the man said it was going to be better or worse. We have had enough worse. Now we are going to have some better. Effectively immediately, we share. And we share like everyone else.

Kitty Karry-All Is Missing [1.7]

[Cindy's doll has gone missing and she blames Bobby]

Greg: Come on, Bobby, you can tell us.

Bobby: What?

Peter: Where did you hide Cindy's doll?

Bobby: I didn't hide it, like I told Mom.

Peter: Honest?

Bobby: Honest.

Greg: Would you swear to it? The sacred oath?

Bobby: Even the sacred oath.

Peter: Boy, that proves he didn't take it. No sir!

[In girls' room]

Marcia: Are you sure Bobby took her?

Cindy: Sure I am, he said he hated Kitty!

Jan: I heard him say it lots of times.

Cindy: [crying] And she doesn't even have her bottle, she'll starve to death!

Marcia: Come on. [takes Cindy's hand]

Cindy: Where are we going?

Marcia: We're gonna get that doll back.

Jan: Yeah. [They leave for boys' room]

[Back in boys' room]

Peter: If Bobby didn't take it, Cindy shouldn't say he did.

Greg: Right. Come on, she can't accuse him and get away with it. [They leave for girls' room]

[Girls enter the boys' room]

Marcia: Bobby, you give Kitty back or... [they realize room is empty]

[Boys enter the girls' room]

Greg: Now listen here, Cindy, you... [they realize room is empty, Greg turns towards the open bathroom door] Come on.

[The children meet in the bathroom]

Marcia: Bobby, you give Kitty back!

Greg: You stop picking on him!

Jan: What did you do with her?

Peter: He didn't do anything with her!

Cindy: He did too!

Bobby: I did not!

Marcia: You did so!

Greg: He did not so!

Marcia: Oh yeah?

Greg: Yeah!

[Mike and Carol enter]

Mike: Hey, hey, hey, what's going on in here?

[The kids argue]

Mike: Hold it! Will somebody fill me in?

Carol: Well, Cindy's doll is missing, and the girls think Bobby took it.

Mike: Well, Bobby?

Bobby: I didn't take it!

Marcia: He did too!

Greg: He did not!

[The kids argue]

Mike: CUT!

---

[Mike is explaining circumstantial evidence]

Bobby: Circum-special?

Mike: No, circumstantial. It means things look different than they really are.

Cindy: You mean like when a lady puts on false eyelashes?

A-Camping We Will Go [1.8]

Bobby: Well I guess women are okay for some things.

---

[The Bradys will all go on their first camping trip together]

Marcia: But mother, us on a camping trip? We've told you it's way worse than death!

Jan: Do you expect me to sleep in a tent?

Cindy: With wild animals?

Carol: Girls, we're not going to Africa. We're just going camping.

Marcia: And camping is for boys!

Carol: Camping is for boys and girls. Why, it's so much fun falling asleep on the ground.

Jan: On the ground, all those beetles are crawling around. Yuck!

Cindy: Yeah, yuck!

Carol: Why, you haven't got the faintest idea how delightful it is out there under the stars, being lulled to sleep by the sound of crickets, and then awakening in the morning to the smell of bacon frying over an open fire.

Marcia: How many times have you been camping, Mom?

Carol: Well, never, but I've heard about it.

Jan: And I've heard about it, too, and you can count me out. [collapses on the bed]

Carol: You are counted in, young lady. We have three new brothers and a new father, and if they like camping, we like camping. Now, there'll be no more discussion about it; the decision has been made.

Sorry, Right Number [1.9]

[Carol slams down a sand timer — or hourglass timer — in front of Greg who is on the phone.]

Greg: [to Harvey] Hang on a minute. [to Mike and Carol] What gives?

Carol: That is how long you are allowed on the phone. And when the sand runs out, it is "Goodbye Charlie".

Greg: I am talking to Harvey.

Mike: Then it's "Goodbye Harvey"!

---

[Mike and Carol start up the family meeting about the cell phone bill.]

Mike: [to the kids] All right! We all know that in the past, the telephone problem (cell phone bill) has been absolutely impossible!

Cindy: It has not bothered me.

Bobby: Me neither.

Mike: [turns to Bobby and Cindy] Oh yeah? Well, it has bothered me. And it has bothered our household budget. [then to the rest of the kids] Fortunately, I have the solution to the problem and here it is.

[Mike unwraps the gift and it turns out to be a payphone.]

Mike: [cheering] TA-DA!

Carol: That looks like a pay telephone.

Mike: That is a pay telephone.

Carol: Honey, that looks like a real payphone.

Mike: Precisely. Didn’t you notice the other one is gone, the other phone?

Carol: Hey, it is gone.

Greg: I don’t dig.

Marcia: What’s the point?

Mike: The point is, this payphone is for all you kids. And the household budget stops taking a beating. From now on, you are given an addition to your allowance for two calls per day. After that, those calls you make is then deducted from your allowance.

Peter: Did you say, two calls a day?

Mike: [turns to Peter] That’s right, Peter. The rest then comes out of your allowance.

Jan: Two calls?! But I average at least ten!

Mike: [turns to Jan] Well, there goes your allowance.

[Mike turns to the rest of the kids.]

Mike: This payphone should teach you kids not to monopolize the phone. And you have to be especially careful about toll calls.

[Mike turns to Carol.]

Mike: [to Carol] Did you know that every call you make to Martha is a toll call?

Carol: [laughs] Well, you don’t expect me to use that thing.

Mike: Very good, you can use my phone in the den.

Carol: [sarcastically] Oh, thanks a lot.

Mike: You’re welcome.

[The kids have a discussion over the pay phone.]

Peter: Two calls? Even when you’re arrested you get to make one call.

Jan: And that you make to your lawyer.

Greg: Come on, let’s tell them how we feel.

[The kids get up and turn back to their parents.]

Marcia: We don't want a payphone! You can't lie on the floor and talk!

Mike: That should make your calls shorter, won't it?

Greg: Suppose we promise to be more careful.

Mike: [to Greg] Sorry, son. We've tried discussion, we've tried egg timers, we've even tried threats. Nothing worked.

Carol: You're right, Greg.

Mike: Now you use the pay phone.

Marcia: But Dad...!

Mike: [to Marcia] Sorry, Marcia. But maybe this is going to solve the problem. [turns to all the rest of the kids.] DISMISSED!

Every Boy Does It Once [1.10]

Peter: I'm sorry, I won't tell anybody!

Greg: Won't tell what?

Peter: I told you, I can't tell you! I promised Bobby, the only reason he told me is, cause I'm his brother.

Greg: Well, so am I, dummy!

---

Bobby: Nobody said goodbye to me or anything, and I didn't think they cared.

Carol: Oh sweetheart, everybody cares. And I bet you your baseball cards you can't guess who cares the most.

Bobby: You? [Carol nods] Even though I'm only a step?

Carol: Listen, the only steps in this house are those... [shows Bobby the stairs] ...the ones that lead up to your bedroom. So how about marching right back up there?

Bobby: Hey Dad, Mom and me are back home again!

Mike: Good, cause that's where you both belong!

Vote for Brady [1.11]

[About the election. This involves the other kids — Peter, Bobby, Jan, and Cindy.]

Bobby: Greg might probably beat her anyway!

Cindy: You say that once more and I'm going to bop you!

The Voice of Christmas [1.12]

Alice: You're guaranteed to be cured in 24 hours.

Carol: [raspy voice] 24 hours!?

Alice: Unless you break out in a rash. Then you take it off.

---

Greg: Now, don't let the girls catch you hiding these.

Bobby: If they catch me, should I eat the present?

Peter: Eat it! [to Greg] He's been watching too many of those spy programs.

Is There a Doctor in the House? [1.13]

Cindy: Marcia! Will you please tell Bobby to stop it?

Marcia: Listen, Cindy. You promised you would stay in the boys' room with Bobby and color.

Bobby: That is what we are doing! We are coloring!

Cindy: I'm coloring a tiger, and Bobby's coloring a giraffe. And now Bobby wants to color me!

Jan: You?

Cindy: He wants to color my spots!

Bobby: I thought they would look better in green.

Greg: Go back and color your coloring books. And Bobby? Her spots would look rotten in green.

Bobby: Hey, how about blue? I am going to make her spots blue.

Cindy: I like them red, like they are!

---

[As the kids are quarantined from their measles, Mike, Carol, and Alice prepare lunches and activities for them.]

Alice: You got everything here?

Carol: Well, I think so. Six luncheon trays...!

[Carol's next line is singing. That is, to the tune of "The 12 Days of Christmas".]

Carol: [singing] ♪FIVE COMIC BOOKS!♪

♪Four jigsaw puzzles,♪

♪Three magic tricks,♪

♪Two ice cream bars,♪

Carol and Mike: [both singing --and singing the final lyric as a duet] ♪And one cow bell!♪

Greg: Sure great how some people can sing while other people are dying!

Father of the Year [1.14]

[After Marcia ignored the extra chores just to work on her essay.]

Mike: Marcia? Those chores were your punishment. Unless you can explain why you ignored them, I am going to have to be a little more severe.

Marcia: But I can't explain. Not right now.

Mike: Very well then.

[Mike starts a severe punishment. That is, but not a very severe one yet. This --on Marcia-- is a little severe.]

Mike: I am going to ground you for one week. No playground or friends's houses. And when you come home from school, you (after school) are to go straight to your room.

[Recapping what was stated, Marcia has a "little severe" punishment. She is to come straight home --when she comes home from school-- and that starts right after school. That is, according to Mike's saying.]

---

[When Marcia went outside — in the middle of the night — to mail the letter and climbed back up the trellis.]

Carol: Jan?

[Carol wakes up Jan.]

Carol: [to Jan] Where is Marcia?

Jan: I don't know.

Marcia: [at the window, from the trellis, and to Carol] Here I am, Mommy.

Carol: Marcia...!? What on earth!?

[Mike puts his hands on Marcia, drags Marcia through the window, and leads her into the house.]

Mike: [after leading Marcia inside] Where were you?

[Mike closes the window.]

Marcia: Mailing a letter.

Mike: AT THIS HOUR!? DOWN THE TRELLIS!? YOU COULD HAVE BROKEN YOUR NECK!

Marcia: I had to mail the letter.

Carol: Why?

Marcia: I can't say.

Mike: Marcia...?

[Mike sighs.]

Mike: Marcia, I have given you every chance possible. Now you leave me with no alternative.

[Finally, Mike starts up a really, very, very, severe punishment. That is, as he says...!]

Mike: We are all going skiing this weekend — all except you.

Carol: Your father is right. You are going to just have to stay at home with your grandparents.

54-40 and Fight [1.15]

[About the closure announcement of the Checker Trading Stamps store.]

Alice: WRONG!

[Mike looks at the newspaper]

Mike: Uh oh! Wrong it is!

Carol: What? What is it?

[Mike shows her the paper.]

Carol: Oh no! This family better make up its mind and quick! If they don't, it will be no longer possible to purchase premiums!

---

Cindy: Me first!

Bobby: Why you?

Cindy: 'Cause I'm a lady!

Bobby: Aaaawwhhhh.

Cindy: I am a lady, if you say I'm not, I'll bop you!

Mike's Horror-Scope [1.16]

Carol: [to Beebe after Bobby and Cindy's fight ends up in her being squirted in the face with a squirt gun] ...they didn't mean any harm...!

Beebe: Neither did Frankenstein!

The Undergraduate [1.17]

Mike: Jungle fever is going around too but not in this neighborhood.

The Big Sprain [1.19]

Mike: While Alice is grounded, you are all going to assume the job of running this house. And that is starting tomorrow and right after school.

Greg: But Dad, our team has practice work outs! So we can stay in shape for the next game!

Mike: I guarantee your coach you will be in shape.

Marcia: What about my music lessons?!

Mike: You can hum a lot while you work.

Jan: No dance class?!

Mike: That's right. No dance class.

Peter: Dad? Would you believe that I would spend every afternoon studying at the library?

Mike: [laughs] Yeah, that's a great try, Peter. And I would like to believe that. But it would boggle my mind. Anyone else?

Bobby: I give up.

Cindy: Me too.

Mike: Good. Now that we understand each other, hit the sack! Starting with breakfast tomorrow, we get to work!

---

Greg: Dad, I hate to interrupt you while you're on the phone, but...

Mike: [on the phone with Carol] No, no, honey. Listen, I mean it. I really mean it.

Greg: Peter's t-shirt got stuck in the vacuum.

Carol: What's all the commotion about?

Mike: Um, nothing. Me and the kids are just playing, that's all.

Greg: Peter's in the T-shirt!

Mike: What?

Brace Yourself [1.20]

Marcia: [about her braces] Tell me the honest truth. Do I look funny?

Cindy: Of course not, Marcia. You look beautiful.

Jan: Thanks, Cindy!

Cindy: But how do you get the toothpaste through all that barbed wire?

---

Jan: [when Cindy is about to go into the bathroom] Marcia's in there.

Cindy: Daddy said to act natural — and I always barge in on Marcia when she's in the bathroom!

The Hero [1.21]

Alice: [to the deliveryman] You keep calling me sweetie, gorgeous & beautiful, and I'll follow you anywhere!

---

Jason: Sorry, I can't make it. I have my piano lessons.

Peter: I didn't know you knew how to play the piano.

Jason: I don't. That's why I gotta take lessons.

The Possible Dream [1.22]

Marcia: [about her diary] Okay, if you hand it right over, I won't press charges

Greg: What are you talking about?

Marcia: As if you didn't know.

Peter: Bobby, do you know what she's talking about?

Bobby: No. Greg, do you know what she's talking about?

Greg: No. Marcia, do you know what you're talking about?

Marcia: I certainly do! Someone in this room took my diary.

Greg: Your diary, you mean you actually keep one of those stupid things?

Bobby: What's a diary?

Peter: It's a book, that you write things in, that you don't want anyone else to read.

Bobby: Why?

Greg: So, you could write stuff like...

Greg: [Greg then sits at his desk imitating Marcia writing in her diary] "Dear diary, at last I met him, my dream man. It was at the delicatessen and our fingers tingled as we reached for the same potato salad."

To Move or Not to Move [1.23]

Carol: [about the strange noises] It's probably just the wind against the shutters.

Alice: That would be a good guess, Mrs. Brady... if there was a wind... or we had shutters.

---

Bert Grossman: [trying to explain the strange noises] It was probably just the wind through the willow grove.

[the noises start again]

Mrs. Hunsacker: That was no wind through a willow grove.

Bert Grossman: Would you believe steeple chimes?

Lost Locket, Found Locket [1.25]

[During the re-enactment of the locket's disappearance; Bobby got back in bed]

Bobby: Can I spit out my toothpaste?

Greg: Why didn't you spit it out in the bathroom?

Bobby: You said we had to just what we did before. I didn't spit then now cause I didn't spit then. And you know somethin'?

Greg: What?

Bobby: It's hard to talk with your mouth full of toothpaste.

---

Peter: The suspense is killing me!

Bobby: So is the toothpaste!

Season 2

The Babysitters [2.2]

Mike: Gas. Did we turn the gas off?

Marcia: Dad, our stove is electric!

---

Carol: [she thinks Cindy has a cold] Cindy? Are you coming down with the sniffles?

Cindy: If I am, I do not want Greg or Marcia blowing on my nose. I can do it myself.

The Slumber Caper [2.3]

Carol: As much as we hate to do it Marcia, I’m afraid you can’t have your sleepover.

Marcia: [in between tears and before crying] MY PARTY?!

[When the writing underneath the "doodle" had the caption "MRS. DENTON? OR A HIPPOPOTAMUS?", the "doodle" --true to the caption-- was either a picture of George Washington, Mrs. Denton, or a hippopotamus.]

Mike: Honey? That drawing might have seemed funny at the time. But you just must have respect for your teachers.

Marcia: [crying] But I didn’t do it! I didn’t write Mrs. Denton’s name on it, or that stupid remark!

Carol: Your principal said you did honey. And he’s a very responsible man. He wouldn’t punish you for nothing.

Marcia: [crying] You mean, you would rather believe him than me!

Mike: Marcia? What you did, that paper was in your desk. And it had your name on it. Well, what else could Mr. Randolph think?

Marcia: [crying] You don’t believe me either! And if you don’t, I don’t want a party, or anything ever from you!

---

[While Jan, Cindy, and the other girls are upstairs washing off the itching powder the boys put in their pajamas and sleeping bags.]

Marcia: My brother (Greg) he is going to regret this!

[Marcia tries to think about some pranks to pull on Greg after the "itching powder" prank.]

Paula: It itches, Marcia. But it’s kind of funny. I like jokes. What about the one we pulled on Mrs. Denton?

[Marcia forgets about getting revenge on Greg for the itching powder prank. And she turns to Paula.]

Marcia: [to Paula] We?

Paula: Yeah, you drew the picture and I wrote the funny line. You know about the hippo?

Marcia: You did that?

Paula: Yeah, didn’t you think it was funny?

Marcia: Funny?! I got punished for that!

Paula: Punished? You did?

Marcia: I have to stay after school for a whole week now! I almost didn’t have this sleepover because of what you wrote!

The Un-Underground Movie [2.4]

Greg: Peter, snow!

The Treasure of Sierra Avenue [2.7]

[Cindy pretends to share her sweets with Bobby. She asks Bobby if he wants some of her licorice. That is, as she asks him...!]

Cindy: [in a fake-friendly tone] Want a piece of licorice?

Bobby: Yeah!

Cindy: [in mean voice] I BET YOU DO! (AND YOU GET ONLY ONE BITE!)

[Cindy takes her candy and runs away with it.]

---

Buddy Hinton: Baby talk, baby talk, it's the wonder you can walk.

Cindy: You stop that Buddy Hinton!

Buddy Hinton: Stop that! Oh witty bitty baby talk. There is no witty bitty baby talk say something. Come on, say something.

Peter: [witnesses it and intervenes] Cut that out, Buddy!

Buddy Hinton: Baby, baby, what did you say?

Peter: Quit teasing my sister!

The Tattletale [2.10]

Carol: Strain a guppy out of his fish tank?

Greg: Tattletale!

Mike: All right, that's enough.

Cindy: But I didn't do anything wrong. Peter stained the guppy.

Mike: All right what Peter did was wrong and what you did was wrong, too. You know that's none of your business. Your tattling is not right and could get other people into trouble.

---

Bobby: I'm not lending everything to a snitcher!

Cindy: I'm not a snitcher. I just tell it like it is.

Bobby: Well I'm not lending you my skate key after the way you squealed on Greg and Peter!

Cindy: Okay, I'll tell what you did yesterday.

Bobby: You little fink!

What Goes Up... [2.11]

[Carol, Alice and Cindy are looking after Bobby]

Alice: [brings another pillow to rest Bobby's leg] If you ask me, I think it's a miracle.

Carol: Yes, that he only sprained his ankle.

Alice: No, I meant that it's a miracle that you have a doctor that makes house calls.

Cindy: He didn't even ask Bobby to stick out his tongue and say "Ah".

Alice: Well, that's just when you sprain the tonsil. Come on, Florence Nightingale, you can help me in the kitchen, making hospital corners on the napkins.

---

[Mike got Bobby a parakeet]

Peter: Boy, a parakeet just for a sprained ankle. Can I get an alligator if I broke my leg?

Mike: No, so don't try it.

Confessions, Confessions [2.12]

[The boys --Greg, Peter, and Bobby-- have broken Carol's vase when they were playing football in the house.]

Greg: MOM'S FAVORITE VASE!

Bobby: She always says don't play ball in the house.

---

Mike: Well, we have five suspects and five confessions.

Carol: Correction. Six suspects. And #6 is looking forward to an overnight camping trip this Saturday.

Mike: By Jove, Holmes, you’ve deduced that young Peter Brady did it.

Carol: Elementary, my dear Watson, the five who confessed are covering up for the sixth who didn’t.

Mike: Right. And if Peter is guilty, then the other kids are accessories to the crime.

Carol: Well, what are we gonna do about it, Mike?

Mike: Why not we play along with their little game and punish everybody who confessed?

Carol: [gasps] What? And allow Peter to get away with it?

Mike: Honey, Peter is not going to get away with it. His conscience is not going to let him.

[The scene cuts to the living room]

Peter: Does anybody know why Dad called this meeting?

Marcia: I do. He's gonna tell everybody I broke the vase. I confessed.

Greg: Oh, no.

Marcia: Well, somebody had to take the blame.

Greg: I told Mom I did it.

Bobby: Me too.

Jan: Thud.

[Jan collapses on the chair.]

Bobby: You too?

[Jan nods.]

Cindy: I guess we all confessed.

Peter: I didn’t.

Greg: You didn’t.

Peter: [angry] I wanted to in the first place! But you guys drained up this whole thing!

Marcia: Peter’s right. We’re as much to blame for this as he is.

[Jan hears Mike and Carol come in.]

Jan: Shh! Here they come.

Cindy: I think we’re all gonna get it now.

[Mike and Carol enter]

Mike: One of you broke your mother's vase. But five of you claimed that you did it.

Carol: There seems to be a slight communication gap in this family.

Mike: Look! No matter who broke it, the others of you who confessed are just as guilty for hiding the truth. And I’m afraid you’re all going to have to be punished.

Where There's Smoke [2.14]

Tommy Johnson: Hey man, they're just plain cigarettes.

---

Mrs. Johnson: [furiously snaps] LOOK! YOUR FATHER, IF HE HAS TO WAIT, HE IS GOING TO BE VERY UPSET!

Tommy: I am afraid he is going to be upset anyhow. The cigarettes were mine.

[Mrs. Johnson --briefly-- holds back her anger. That is, as she says...!]

Mrs. Johnson: Cigarettes? What cigarettes?

Tommy: The ones you thought were Greg’s. See? We switched jackets by mistake.

Mrs. Johnson: Oh, I see. (Thanks for telling me the truth, Tommy.) I certainly owe Greg an apology.

[Mrs. Johnson --pausing her anger-- thanks Tommy for telling her the truth. Then she turns to Greg. And she says to him...!]

Mrs. Johnson: [to Greg --after she told Greg's family by mistake] I’m really very sorry.

Greg: Yes, ma’am.

Mike: Well, if I were waiting at a crowded airport...!

[Mrs. Johnson turns to Carol.]

Carol: [to Mrs. Johnson] Mrs. Johnson, how about next Friday?

Mrs. Johnson: Yes, next Friday.

[After Greg straightens out the cigarettes incident with Tommy...!]

Tommy: (to his mom) Mom? Can we talk about it before we pick up Dad?

[Mrs. Johnson turns back to Tommy. That is, then she says...!]

Mrs. Johnson: [furiously and snaps] I EXPECT THAT WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT IT BEFORE AND AFTER WE PICK UP YOUR FATHER! NOW COME ALONG, TOMMY!

[Mrs. Johnson resumes her anger. Then she --furiously-- grabs Tommy's hand. And they leave the Brady family's house. While Mrs. Johnson was happy that Tommy was unharmed from the "cigarette incident" and he told the truth, she is very cross. And she lets Tommy know he is in some serious trouble. That is, after she has a word about it with him both before and after they pick up Mr. Johnson from the airport.]

Greg: Good luck, Tommy.

Tommy: Yeah, I’m sure gonna need it. See you.

Will the Real Jan Brady Please Stand Up? [2.15]

Wig seller (Guest star Marcia Wallace): Ah, that’s our ‘Midnight Temptress’ wig.

Jan: ‘Midnight Temptress’, huh? Well, I don’t think I’ll be out that late.

The Drummer Boy [2.16]

[Peter, Jan and Cindy are practising "The Bonnie Banks o' Loch Lomond" for the glee club]

Cindy: By yon bonnie banks

Peter, Jan: And by yon bonnie braes

[Bobby's drum solo chimes in]

Peter, Jan, Cindy: Where the sun shines bright on Loch Lomond

Cindy: How are we supposed to practice?

Peter: You can hear these drums all the way to Loch Lomond.

Jan: Right now I wish Bobby was in the glee club.

Peter: I wish he was in Loch Lomond.

Our Son, The Man [2.18]

Greg: Remember Dad, we're talking man-to-man, not kid-to-man man-to-man, but man-to-man, man-to-man.

The Liberation of Marcia Brady [2.19]

Peter: I am a little Sunflower; sunny, brave and true. From tiny bud to blossom, I do good deeds for you.

Tell It Like It Is [2.24]

Peter: A neck tie!?

Greg: Sure Pete. When your famous you cant look like a slob.

Bobby: Does that mean you have to wear clean socks too?

Greg: [ignoring Bobby] There, now how I look?

Peter: Like a slob with a tie!

Season 3

The Wheeler Dealer [3.4]

Mike: A gentle reminder, my boy: your name is Brady, not Onassis.

---

[Greg has just received his drivers license and wants to buy a car of his own]

Carol: I don't have to be logical; I'm a mother.

Mike: Well, I think you're worrying prematurely because by the time Greg gets enough money for the kind of car he wants, the 1999 models are gonna be here.

Carol: Oh no, he wants to buy a car right now.

Mike: Look, he's only got $100, he's not gonna be satisfied with anything he can get for that.

Carol: Just $100?

Mike: Yes, and delusions of grandeur. What kind of a car could he get for $100?

[Cut to Greg's friend Eddie trying to sell him a beat-up 1956 Chevrolet Bel Air convertible, with a "FOR SALE LIKE NEW" sign on the windshield]

Eddie: She's a beauty, ain't she, Greg? I'm only selling her because I need a fast $100. You know, I got 5 or 6 guys just waiting to buy this baby, but it's such a good deal, I wanted a friend to have it first.

Greg: Thanks, Eddie. I appreciate that. There's an awful lot of chrome missing up and down here, and all these dents.

Eddie: What chrome missing? I've got it right here, you just straighten it out. As for these dents, take it to the auto shop at school, they'll pound them right out for you.

[Greg tries to open the door, it's stuck]

Eddie: So it sticks a little! When you own a convertible, you don't use doors, you just jump right in. [Jumps into the car] Sports car, right?

Greg: Right!

Eddie: But if you want to do it the regular way, it does work. [Kicks the door open with his foot] You see?

Greg: Eddie, look at this big hole in the backseat!

Eddie: What hole? A little rip. Just sew it up, only a dime for needle and thread. Listen to this horn. (Honks) The windshield wipers work, the radio...

Greg: Can I hear the engine?

Eddie: Sure, Purrs like a kitten. [Starts the engine, running at very loud noise and backfires, causing the car to vibrate] Runs a little rough until she warms up, then she's great!

Greg: Yeah, I can feel it.

Eddie: [Turns off the engine] The idle just needs to be adjusted. All this baby needs is a little bit of work.

Greg: Eddie, I don't know.

Eddie: Greg, for $100 and a little bit of work, you got yourself a car that's worth maybe $500.

Greg: Think all it will take is a little work?

Eddie: Positive. Tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna throw in a repair manual, absolutely free. With this, a 10-year old could fix her up!

Greg: I told my Dad I'd let him look at anything I bought first.

Eddie: What time is it, Greg?

Greg: [Looks at his watch] It's 3.20. Why?

Eddie: Car's gonna be gone by the time you get your dad here. I got a guy coming in 10 minutes, and with him it's a sure sale. (Puts the "FOR SALE LIKE NEW" sign back on the windshield)

Greg: Eddie, I don't know.

Eddie: Greg, it's a great deal. Or would you rather wait 5 or 6 years for a set of wheels?

My Sister, Benedict Arnold [3.5]

Greg [Describing Warren Mulaney to Marcia]: He's at the top of my crumb list! In fact, he's at the bottom of my crumb list, too. And he's every crumb in-between.

---

Peter: When are you going to grow up?

Bobby: When I get older.

The Personality Kid [3.6]

Peter [Impersonating Humphrey Bogart]: Porkchops and applesauce, that's swell!

Juliet Is The Sun [3.7]

Marcia: One line. It's different with me. I'm a star.

Jan: [to Marcia] Well lah-de-dah!

Cindy: What does that mean?

Jan: It means that Marcia's being a pain in the neck.

Cindy: Oh, [to Marcia] well lah-de-dah!

---

[Marcia is in her room combing her hair when Carol comes in to speak to her.]

Carol: Marcia?

Marcia: Yes, Mother?

Carol: I sent the final program to the printers this afternoon.

Marcia: I wish Harold’s name wasn’t in it, he was awful at rehearsal today.

Carol: Well Marcia, I’m afraid your name is not going to be in it.

Marcia: What do you mean?

Carol: I was at the rehearsal this afternoon.

Marcia: You were?

Carol: Afterwards Mrs. Goodwin and I talked. And we have decided that for the good of the play — and for your own good — she is going to have to replace you.

Marcia: Replace me?

Carol: Yes. Your understudy is going to be Juliet.

Marcia: Tina!? But I’m better than her!

Carol: Marcia? It has nothing to do with you being better. It’s your attitude.

Marcia: What do you mean my attitude?

Carol: Well, you’ve become rude to your friends and siblings! You’ve become impossible to live with!

Marcia: [flustered, in between tears, and before crying] Mom...! That is so unfair!

Carol: Marcia, I’m not blaming you. It’s not all your fault. We encouraged you. But you let it go to your head.

Marcia: [on the verge of tears] You do not understand, Mom!

Carol: Marcia, I do understand. But you brought all of this on yourself. I’m sorry.

[Carol leaves the room. Marcia bitterly breaks down and cries.]

Marcia: [crying] MOM!

The Private Ear [3.9]

Bobby: You did!

Cindy: I didn't!

Bobby: You did too!

Cindy: I did not!

Greg: Hey, what are you two arguing about?

Bobby: Well, you might wanna know, she told everyone else. I got called into the principal's office for chewing gum in class!

Her Sister's Shadow [3.10]

Jan: Well, all I hear all day long at school is how great Marcia is at this how wonderful Marcia did that. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

Getting Davy Jones [3.12]

Peter (to Marcia): I got it! Take this down. 'To Davy Jones. Dear Sir, you have just won a 10 million dollar sweepstakes. For information, contact Marcia Brady at...'

Greg: What's that got to do with singing at the prom?

Peter: Nothing, but it would sure get his attention.

The Not-So-Rose-Colored Glasses [3.13]

[In Jan's meeting with Mike and Carol.]

Jan : [reads the letter from her teacher and principal] In the past several weeks, Jan's grades have...!

Mike: [stops Jan from reading the letter] That is enough, Jan.

Carol: [to Jan] Jan? Where do you normally sit in Mrs. Denthoff's class?

Jan: In the back. Why?

Mike: Does she write lessons on the black board in the front of the class?

Jan: Usually.

Carol: Jan? I think you may need glasses.

Jan: Glasses? Oh no, Mom! Not glasses!

Mike: Certainly, you want to have your eyes checked.

Carol: Honey? Wearing glasses isn’t anything these days.

Jan: But I’m sure I don’t need glasses!

Mike: Well, listen Jan. Do you want to keep failing in school? Making mistakes like taking the wrong bicycle?

Jan: Glasses? Oh no, Mom! Not glasses! I am going to look positively goofy!

---

Mike: Jan? Sit down, honey. Jan? Is there something you must explain to me?

Jan: What Dad?

Mike: Well, when we had that picture taken, you didn’t have your glasses yet.

Jan: I didn't?

Mike: No, you didn't. That cannot be the same picture. Can it?

Jan: It isn’t, Dad. But it wasn’t the other kids’ fault. I ruined the first one because I wasn’t wearing my glasses. I ran into it on my bike in the garage.

Mike: Jan? You are very lucky you ran into the picture. You would've ran into something much worse — like a car.

Jan: I’m sorry, Dad. I’ll wear my glasses from now on whenever I’m supposed to, I promise.

Mike: Oh yeah? Well, for a little reminder, I am afraid I am going to have to ground you. For two weeks, no bicycle.

Jan: Can you make it something else? You can’t ground me from riding my bicycle!

Mike: Oh yes. I am afraid that I can.

Jan: Well, you see, I do not have a bicycle anymore. I sold it to pay for the new photograph.

Mike: Well, okay. I guess that is punishment enough.

The Teeter Totter Caper [3.14]

[Marcia and Jan are re-painting a chair. Cindy wants to help.]

Marcia: No Cindy! It is too hard for you!

Cindy: But why can't I help!? The chair, it goes in my room too!

Jan: Look Cindy! This isn't a game! If you mess up the paint, we are going to have to do it all over again!

Big Little Man [3.15]

Bobby: Mom, dad, it works! Stretching myself really works! I grew an inch and a half!

Mike: How much?

Bobby: A whole inch and a half!

Carol: Oh, honey, maybe you grew, but I don't think an inch and a half.

Mike: Not since yesterday.

Bobby: But I measured myself three times! A half inch, plus one whole inch!

Cindy: No, it's only a half an inch!

Bobby: How do you know it's only half an inch?

Cindy: Well...

Mike: Yeah, how do you know, Cindy?

Cindy: I made the mark a half inch lower, so that Bobby would think he grew!

Mike: Cindy!

Cindy: I'm sorry!

Bobby: Well, that's okay, I still grew an inch!

Jan: No, only half an inch.

Carol: You did the same thing too? [Jan nods]

Bobby: Well, a half inch isn't bad.

Marcia: Bobby.

Carol: Oh, no.

Marcia: I guess we should have checked with each other.

Bobby: That's the dirtiest trick I've ever heard of!

[Bobby runs off.]

Mike: Bobby. They weren't trying to trick you. I don't think that what they did was right —

Carol: They were only trying to help.

Bobby: They did it because they know it's true!

Carol: Now what's true?

Bobby: I'm a shrimpo, a peewee, I'll never grow another inch as long as I live! [runs up the stairs]

---

Carol: Hi, Bobby! Hey, wait a minute, your clothes!

[Bobby turns around with a black eye.]

Carol: Bobby, your eye! What in the world happened?

Bobby: I got in a fight with Tommy Huxley.

Carol: Tommy Huxley? He's twice as big as you are! Why doesn't he pick on somebody his own size?

Bobby: Well, I picked on him.

Carol: You started a fight? Why?

Bobby: Well, he was acting like a big shot.

Carol: Oh. Well, you weren't by any chance feeling like a little shot, were you?

Bobby: Well, I am a little shot, that all I'll ever be!

Carol: Oh, Bobby. Listen, you've heard about Napoleon Bonaparte, haven't you?

Bobby: Yeah, he's that funny guy that always walked around with his hand on his stomach.

Carol: Well, he was also a little guy. And he went around trying to prove how big he was by fighting everybody.

Bobby: Did he win?

Carol: Nope, just like you he got clobbered. So I really don't think that fighting is the answer. Do you, Bob?

Bobby: Not if you lose.

Dough-Re-Mi [3.16]

Peter: Cindy stuck her tongue out of me.

Carol: She's just a little girl.

Peter: She has an awfully big tongue.

The Big Bet [3.18]

Greg: [on the phone] Yeah Rachel, it’s great seeing you at school. But I still want to take you out. Well, what about a movie tomorrow night? Yeah, the drive-in. It’s a good double bill, uh, a science fiction and a western. Great, great, Rachel. Well, I’ll pick you up about 7. Bye.

[He hangs up and Bobby comes into the living room to boss Greg around again.]

Bobby: Sounds good to me.

Greg: [annoyed] What sounds good to you?!

Bobby: A double film.

Greg: Exactly what does that mean?

Bobby: I’m going with you.

[Greg gets up.]

Greg: [laughs sarcastically] HA! NO WAY!

Bobby: Remember the bet?

Greg: [gets upset] I HAVE TAKEN OUT THE TRASH FOR YOU! I HAVE HOSED OFF THE PATIO, HAVE SHINED YOUR SHOES, HAVE MADE YOUR BED, AND HAVE CLEANED YOUR BIKE! AND I EVEN LET YOU BEAT ME AT CHECKERS BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME TO! BUT THAT IS IT! THAT IS IT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND!?

---

Bobby: It’s okay with me! I don’t mind if she comes along or not!

Greg: [angry and to Bobby] LISTEN (VERY CAREFULLY) MR. CHIN-UP KING! I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING THAT YOU HAVE ASKED FAIR AND SQUARE! BUT THERE IS NO WAY! NO WAY YOU ARE GOING ON MY DATE WITH RACHEL!

[The scene cuts to the drive-in]

Bobby: [from the backseat] You're blocking my view!

[Greg and Rachel move apart.]

Bobby: And I want some more popcorn.

Greg: You've already had three bags!

Bobby: Then I want pizza.

Greg: I'll be back in a minute, Rachel.

[Greg gets out of the car to buy Bobby a slice of pizza.]

Bobby: [Jumps into the front seat] Boy, you can really see better from up here.

Rachel: [Unenthused] Uh-huh.

Bobby: Neat movie, isn't it?

Rachel: Yeah, real neat.

Bobby: Having fun, huh?

Rachel: We're having a ball.

Bobby: You see, I told Greg if I came you wouldn't mind.

Greg: [to Bobby] Here's the pizza you ordered! And that's all of the food you get!

[Greg angrily murmurs about the bet]

Greg: [muttering] Our bet had nothing to do with me going broke!

Rachel: Greg, wouldn't it be nice if Bobby got in the backseat to eat his pizza?

Greg: Yes, that would be nice.

Bobby: Okay! [Greg closes the car door, accidentally hits the horn, shushes Bobby] I didn't do that! Want some pizza?

Greg: No!

Bobby: How about you, Rachel? It's real good, pepperoni and onions.

Rachel: No, no thank you.

Bobby: You guys don't know what you're missing!

Greg: We know what we're missing! [Attempts to embrace Rachel again]

Bobby: You're blocking my view again!

Greg: Come on, Bobby, stop fooling around! You're not even watching the movie!

Bobby: Neither are you!

Rachel: I'll tell you what, why don't we all watch the movie.

[They watch the movie]

Bobby: It's warm in here, put the top down.

Greg: Put the top — ? Now look, Bobby.

Rachel: You might as well do it, Greg.

[Greg puts the top down, causing several cars behind them to honk their horns because it's blocking their view]

[Bobby opens an umbrella, holds it over their heads]

Greg: What do you think you're doing?

Bobby: It might rain. You wouldn't want sweetiepie to get wet, would you?

Greg: Now you're just being a wiseguy. Put that umbrella away!

Bobby: I told you, it might rain!

Greg: Well, if it might rain, then I'm putting the top back up! [Retracts the roof, causing cars to honk again]

[Bobby doesn't close his umbrella, causing the tip to tear a hole in the roof. He ends up sticking the umbrella through the roof, and keeps trying to pull it out. It gets stuck, he looks at Greg]

Greg: Now you've done it! Wait till Dad sees this!

The Fender Benders [3.23]

Mike: ...Smashed rear taillight, crushed fender, replace muffler, repaint left side...REALIGN THE FRAMES! HOW MUCH!

Mr. Dougan: $295.11. Of course, there are some other minor things that I don't mind taking care of myself.

Carol: What? Refurnishing your house?!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mike this just isn't true.

Mr. Dougan: Mrs. Brady, are you suggesting that I am lying?

Carol: And very badly too.

---

Mr. Dougan: I'll see you in court!

Carol: My pleasure!

Season 4

Hawaii Bound [4.1]

Peter: That's Diamond Head, dumb head.

Pass the Tabu [4.2]

Peter: Bad luck, come and get me.

Cyrano de Brady [4.5]

[Jan introduces her new friend Kerry Hathaway to Peter, who is instantly lovestruck]

Peter: Pleased to meet me.

---

Greg: How would you like to get Kerry back? Now listen, I-

Peter: I don't trust you, you stole my girl!

Greg: I did not steal your girl.

Peter: You did.

Bobby: If you guys are starting that again, I'm getting out of here.

Fright Night [4.6]

Mike: It's not your fault, Alice. [glares at the kids] Was it, kids?

Carol: Like I just said, "If you take a joke too far, someone could get hurt".

[Mike and Carol --with sad expressions-- look at the broken remains of the bust.]

Jan: Gosh, it won a prize, too.

[Carol picks up the third place ribbon.]

Carol: Well...! [sighs] So much for third place!

Mike: All right, all right! That's it! Everybody upstairs! And no allowance for two weeks! And that goes for all of you!

Jan, The Only Child [4.8]

[Jan is mad at her siblings]

Jan: If I were an only child, I wouldn't have any phony brothers and sisters! Who needs you?!

Greg: You mean that, Jan?

Jan: You're right, I sure do!

Greg: Well, if that's what you want, I'm sure it can be arranged. Right, you guys? [Marcia, Peter, Bobby and Cindy agree]

Peter: You just lost yourself five brothers and sisters!

Marcia: And you can have the whole house to yourself.

Jan: Great!

Cindy: For us, too!

Greg: As far as you're concerned, we don't even exist.

Bobby: Yeah, we're not even here!

Greg: Consider us invisible! Come on, gang, let's disappear. [Everybody but Jan leaves]

[The boys return]

Peter: What are we leaving for?

Bobby: Yeah, this is our room!

[Jan leaves, Greg slams the door after her]

---

[Jan prepares to leave for the library, Marcia stops her]

Marcia: Hey, just a minute, you!

Jan: What? [Marcia yanks her sweater back] What do you think you're doing?

Marcia: That's my sweater!

Jan: So what? I always borrow your sweater!

Marcia: Well, not any more. You no longer have a sister named Marcia, and if there's no Marcia, there's no Marcia's sweater.

Carol: Okay, kids, okay.

Marcia: Mom, we made a deal, remember?

Carol: Yes, I remember.

Marcia: And I'm sticking to it.

Carol: Jan, do you want to stick to it?

Jan: Yes!

Marcia: Fine. I'll just take my invisible sweater and [snaps fingers] vanish. [leaves]

Jan: That's not fair!

Carol: I'm afraid it is, honey, you can't have it both ways. So long. [Jan leaves]

Goodbye, Alice, Hello [4.10]

[Greg and Peter show new housekeeper Kay how Alice used to shoot the basketball]

Kay: That was Alice; I'm Kay.

Law and Disorder [4.14]

[Bobby, as the new school hall monitor, had reported Cindy for an infraction and she's angry with him]

Cindy: [Takes a slice of cheese from the fridge and throws it on Bobby's plate] Here!

Bobby: What's the cheese for?

Cindy: For you! All rats eat cheese! [leaves angrily]

---

[Cindy is explaining her predicament to Carol]

Cindy: And he wrote down the names, even mine!

Carol: But that's his job, sweetheart.

Cindy: Yes, but I'm his very own sister!

Carol: Well, that doesn't give you any special privileges. The same rules apply to you that apply to anyone else.

Cindy: [angrily] I don't see why they should.

Carol: Let me see... I'll try to explain it to you this way. Let's say that Bobby was a policeman, and I drove through a red light. Accidentally, of course. Well, I would expect him to give me a ticket.

Cindy: Your own son?

Carol: Absolutely.

Cindy: Boy, if I ever had a son who was a policeman and he gave me a ticket, I'd give him a spanking!

[Bobby comes in, Cindy leaves angrily]

Bobby: I guess she was complaining about me.

Carol: You guessed right.

Bobby: And I guess you took her side.

Carol: You guessed wrong.

Bobby: You didn't?

Carol: No. Well, Cindy didn't like it, but you were just doing your duty.

[Bobby leaves]

Carol: I wonder if he really would give me a ticket.

Greg Gets Grounded [4.15]

Mike: I think you better spend some time thinking about your driving habits while you do not use the car for a week!

Greg: A week? That's not fair!

Mike: Well, it is a lot fairer than not using it for two weeks!

Greg: But, Dad, it wasn’t a…!

Mike: You want to try for three?

---

[At the grocery store.]

Jenny: [to Carol] Greg borrowed George's car. And he bought tickets (from the stadium) so he could see some rock concert.

[The scene cuts from Carol at the store to her in Mike's den. After Jenny told Carol that Greg borrowed George's car to buy tickets from the stadium, she reports this to Mike when she gets home. Now the viewers see Carol back home in Mike's den after the incident.]

Carol: [to Mike] Jenny says he borrowed George's car. Now if he didn't, why would she say it?

Mike: Oh honey, I cannot believe Greg would deliberately disobey us!

Amateur Nite [4.16]

[Jan had signed the kids up for an amateur show to raise money for their parents' anniversary present]

Greg: [laughs] Jan, you dingaling! We got about as much chance on getting on that show, and winning first prize, and getting the money as we do of robbing a bank!

Bobby: Hey!

Greg: Forget it.

---

[Mike, Carol and Alice are watching TV and see the kids win third prize instead of the first prize of $100 they were hoping for]

Alice: THIRD PRIZE? What a gyp! [She goes over to the TV and angrily turns it off] That's the last time I ever watch THAT crooked channel!

The Subject was Noses [4.18]

Marcia: Something suddenly came up.

---

[Marcia walks out into the backyard and calls the boys — Peter and Bobby — in to wash up for dinner.]

Marcia: Hey, you guys...!

[Her nose gets hit by the football]

Marcia: OH! MY NOSE!

The Great Earring Caper [4.20]

Alice: And I found...!

[She looks in the washing machine, finds the second ear ring, and finds it broken.]

Alice: ...well, what was left of the other one.

[Carol also looks at the second ear ring. And she gasps at it when she finds it broken.]

Carol: Oh no!

Peter: At least the mystery is solved.

Mike: Well Carol? You are just going to have to go without them. Come on, honey, we better get going.

Cindy: Mom, I promise I’ll never take anything again (that doesn't belong to me) when I’m not supposed to.

Carol: All right, Cindy.

[In the spite of the fact that Carol accepts Cindy's promise about "not taking anything again that doesn't belong to her when she is not supposed to", there is one condition.]

Carol: But you and I are going to have a very long talk about this tomorrow.

[By Carol's statement, Cindy is going to have a long talking-to about this with Carol in the morning.]

You Can't Win 'Em All [4.22]

[Mike and Carol are trying to plan a dinner party, arrive home with groceries]

Mike: Well, six shopping carts full. I think that's a new record.

Carol: Yeah, but you got to admit, the smorgasbord is a pretty good idea. We have got enough food to feed all our friends, their relatives, their houseguests, plus any last minute drop-ins.

Mike: Even the drop-ins can bring their drop-ins.

Alice: [Walks in] Looks like you've got plenty of smorgas for the bord.

Mike: There's still more smorgas in the car.

Carol: Hey Alice, were there any calls while we were out?

Alice: Just one, the school called to give you the date of Cindy's television show.

Carol: Oh good.

Mike: When is it?

Alice: I'll give you a hint: we're going to be eating this stuff a long long time.

Carol: Alice, you don't mean.

Alice: I do mean.

Mike: No, no, no, no, no.

Alice: Yes, yes, yes.

Carol: No, naturally, the 10th. The night of our party.

Alice: I'll get the rest of the stuff out of the car. [leaves]

Mike: You know, I don't believe it. First, we're gonna invite a couple of friends over, barbecue steaks, then we change to a Mexican dinner so we can invite more people, so I cancel the steaks, I run all over town in search of authentic Mexican food. But then, we switch to a smorgasbord, so we can have friends and friends of friends and uncles and relatives and assorted drop-ins. But now, I have got enough Mexican food to feed every guitar player in Guadalajara, and I corner the market on herring. And now, I find out that we are having a party for 26 people on the 10th, and the only people who aren't gonna be here are us.

Carol: [Applauds] That was a wonderful soliloquy, Hamlet. Are you finished?

Mike: Yes.

Carol: Uh, maybe you better go help Alice get the rest of the things out of the car. [Mike leaves] Poor dear.

---

Carol: [to Cindy] You shouldn't put down a loser, Cindy, because you might be one yourself someday. Just remember that.

Season 5

Mail Order Hero [5.2]

Greg: Its a good composition Pete. How come you got a C-?

Peter: Read the last line.

Greg: [Reading Aloud] "If George Washington never told a lie how come he got so far in politics?"

Snow White and the Seven Bradys [5.3]

[Cindy tries to talk her siblings and Alice into appearing in a fundraiser play of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs"]

Jan: Me play one of the seven dwarfs?

Cindy: You liked Mrs. Whitfield, didn't you?

Jan: Sure, she was my favorite teacher. She was Marcia's favorite teacher too. I think she was even Mom's favorite teacher.

Cindy: Boy, she's been teaching since the older days.

Jan: You better not say that around Mom.

Cindy: Well, will you help me with the play?

Jan: Sure. If I can be Dopey.

Cindy: Well, you can't be Dopey.

Jan: Why not?

Cindy: I'm saving that part for someone special.

Jan: Who?

Cindy: Me.

[Cut to bathroom, knock on the door]

Marcia: Come in.

Cindy: Marcia, how about —

Marcia: Sure, Cindy. Anything for good old Mrs. Whitfield.

Cindy: Oh, thanks!

Marcia: Except, I want to play Dopey instead of you.

Cindy: How did you know I wanted to play Dopey?

Marcia: Thin walls.

[Cindy leaves]

[Cut to Greg's room, Cindy knocks on the door]

Greg: Come in.

Cindy: Gee, Greg, this room in the attic sure is neat. I love the way you fixed it up, and Alice —

Greg: Cindy, you don't have to butter me up. I'd be glad to help out Mrs. Whitfield.

Cindy: Thanks!

Greg: But I want to play Dopey instead of you.

Cindy: How did you know I wanted to play Dopey?

Greg: Thin floors.

[Cut to boys' room, Cindy knocks on the door]

Peter: Sure, Cindy, anything for Mrs. Whitfield. As long as I get to play Dopey.

Bobby: That goes for me too, but I want to play Dopey.

Peter: Well, you can't be Dopey.

Bobby: Yes, I can. [door closes]

Cindy: "Snow White and the Seven Dopeys"?

[Cut to kitchen]

Cindy: Alice, how would you like a nice, big, juicy part in my play?

Alice: I'd love to! Can I play Dopey?

Cindy: That part's already taken, six times.

Alice: What have you got left?

Cindy: How about the wicked queen?

Alice: You got yourself a deal. If I can't be a wacky dwarf, I'll be a wicked queen. [imitates evil laughter]

Cindy: That was good. Thanks, Alice!

---

Brady kids and Sam: [singing] Heigh ho, heigh ho, it's home from work we go! (whistle) Heigh ho, heigh ho, heigh ho, heigh ho, heigh ho, we're seven in a row [whistle, Sam stops], heigh ho.

Greg/Doc: What'd you stop for, Dopey?

Sam/Dopey: Eh, I forgot which way we live, Doc!

Jan/Happy, Cindy/Grumpy: We live that way! [point in opposite directions]

Marcia/Sleepy: [yawn] Can't we get going? It's time for my nap! I'm sleepy!

Peter/Sneezy: Well, I'm catching a cold! [sneezes]

Bobby/Bashful: I know which way we live!

Greg/Doc: Which way, Bashful?

Bobby/Bashful: I'm too bashful to tell you! [laughs]

Sam/Dopey: Hey, I remember which way! We follow the yellow brick road!

Cindy/Grumpy: That's in "The Wizard Of Oz!"

Sam/Dopey: So, don't follow the yellow brick road!

Brady kids and Sam: [singing] Heigh ho, heigh ho, it's home from work we go! [march behind the stage]

Peter and the Wolf [5.5]

Peter/"Phil Packer": What's that wild scent you're wearing?

Linda: Buttered popcorn!

Marcia Gets Creamed [5.7]

[Marcia had just fired Peter from his job at ice cream parlor; Peter and Bobby are in the bathroom]''

Peter: For no reason at all, right out of left field she fired me.

Bobby: What a rotten thing to do to your own brother.

Peter: That's what you get when you give small people power. They can't handle it.

[Marcia knocks on the door]

Marcia: Are you gonna be in there all night?

Bobby: Dictator! [leaves]

[Marcia enters the bathroom]

Marcia: You brainwashed Bobby!

Peter: No I didn't, I told him the truth. You fired me 'cause you're power-hungry.

Marcia: I fired you because you're lazy and you deserved it!

Peter: You know what you are? A company stooge!

Marcia: What's the use?

Peter: Okay, run away from the truth, you Captain Bligh Dictator!

Marcia: And you're a capital "G" goof-off!

My Brother's Keeper [5.8]

Alice: The all-American dish for the all-American hero, (everybody cheers) hot Hungarian goulash!

Cindy: Since when is Hungarian goulash American?

Alice: Since Zsa Zsa Gabor became a citizen.

---

[Bobby doesn't want to be with Peter, whom he's at odds with]

Bobby: Wanna play a game or something, Alice?

Alice: Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Bobby, not tonight. I gotta go to bed early, I didn't sleep very well last night.

Bobby: Why not?

Alice: Well, I stayed up half the night, watching one of those TV horror movies, "The Demon of Devoured Detroit", gave both of us heartburn. [leaves, Greg comes in]

Bobby: Wanna watch some TV with me, Greg?

Greg: Sorry, I got a date. I'll see you later.

[Bobby walks into the living room, seeing his sisters leaving]

Bobby: Hey, where are you going?

Marcia: We're gonna spend the night at my friend Helen's house.

Bobby: How come?

Jan: That wallpaper post made our room smell to icky.

Cindy: Have fun. [the girls leave]

Bobby: Yeah. Whoopee.

[Mike and Carol are leaving]

Mike: Good night, son.

Carol: Don't stay up past your bedtime.

Bobby: I might as well go to sleep right now, there's nobody around here to do anything with.

Carol: Oh, now, Bobby, Peter's home.

Bobby: That's the same thing as being alone.

The Elopement [5.12]

[Bobby is practicing playing "Yankee Doodle" on a portable organ, Peter and Cindy look on]

Bobby: How am I doing now?

Cindy: It still sounds awful, but you're playing a lot faster.

Peter: So it's awful for less time.

Bobby: Hardy-har-har.

Kelly's Kids [5.14]

Mrs. Payne: My husband and I have even managed to be cordial to the Shapiros down the street.

Ken: Well, congratulations, you've just received the "Neighbor of the Year" award.

Mrs. Payne: I consider that remark uncalled for!

Ken: If nobody calls for it in 30 days, it's all yours, baby!

---

Kathy Kelly: [Talking about Mrs. Payne] She makes Archie Bunker sound like a liberal!

The Driver's Seat [5.15]

[Bobby and Cindy are playing checkers on Cindy's bed, Jan walks in]

Bobby: I win.

Jan: Maybe Bobby cheated.

Cindy: Did you cheat?

Bobby: No, Jan just got a big mouth and bad eyes.

Jan: He didn't really cheat, Cindy.

Cindy: Then why did you say that?

Jan: It's a debating tactic. I force Bobby into defending himself by accusing him of something.

Bobby: I get enough accusing around here from mom and dad.

Jan: Hey, you two accuse me of something and I'll defend myself.

Bobby: Okay. I accuse you.. of being weird. [leaves the room]

Jan: I'm on the debating team at school and I really need practice. Choose a subject and pick a side.

Cindy: Okay. I pick Bobby's side, you are weird. [leaves]

Jan: Won't anybody around here debate me? [picks up Cindy's Kitty Karry-All doll] You, pick a side.

---

Bobby: Peter, will you be our judge?

Peter: For what?

Cindy: Bobby and I made a bet on who's the best bike rider.

Peter: What did you bet?

Bobby: Same thing as Greg and Marcia. The person who comes closer to the stopline without going over wins.

Cindy: And the loser has to do the winner's chores for a whole year.

Peter: Well, first you better look at something, Bobby. [points to Greg doing ironing]

Bobby: Ain't too easy to beat a dumb ol' girl anyway. [leaves]

Cindy: Chicken.

Out Of This World [5.16]

[Peter and Bobby are camping out in the backyard, waiting for their "UFO" to appear]

Cindy: Hey, did the UFO land yet?

Bobby: No, do you see one?

Jan: Oh, well we thought that maybe you hid it in your sleeping bags.

Peter: Look, if you just came out here to make jokes, you can leave.

Bobby: Yeah!

Cindy: Oh, we believe in flying objects, Peter.

Jan: It's just that flying objects don't believe in us.

Peter: [hops up] Listen, if you guys aren't out of here in three seconds, you're both gonna be flying objects!

Jan: Ooh, quiver!

Cindy: Quake, quake!

Peter: Blast off!

---

[Greg and Marcia were playing a trick on Peter and Bobby with the "UFO"]

Alice: Anybody for more flapjacks? Right off the grill and still flappin'?

Cindy: Oh yeah, Alice!

Jan: Me too.

Greg: No, I gotta get going.

Marcia: Same here.

Alice: Aren't you gonna stick around and see how Peter and Bobby's UFO pictures turned out?

Greg: No, in their case I think "UFO" means "Undoubtedly Flipped Out".

Marcia: Hey Alice, if any space creatures do show up, give them some flapjacks and tell them to stick around for a while.

Welcome Aboard [5.17]

[Carol broke the news to the kids that their cousin Oliver will come to live with them]

Bobby: Hey Cindy, now you and me won't be the youngest, we'll have somebody to push around.

---

[The boys' room, Oliver is snoring loudly]

Bobby: [annoyed] Hey, Pete! Pete, you sleeping?

Peter: Are you kidding? Who can sleep with that buzz-saw going?

Bobby: Yeah, for a little guy, he sure snores big.

Peter: Sounds like the MGM Lion.

Bobby: How are we going to get any sleep?

Peter: I've read once where you can stop people from snoring by rolling them over. Let's try it.

Bobby: All right.

[Peter and Bobby try to roll Oliver over]

Bobby: He's heavier than he looks.

[Peter and Bobby fall on the floor, breaking the lamp on nightdesk]

Oliver: Would you guys be a little bit more quiet? A guy can't get any sleep around here!

The Snooperstar [5.20]

[Marcia and Jan try to find out if Cindy is snooping in Marcia's diary]

[They enter Peter and Bobby's room]

Marcia: Passing through.

Jan: Gotta use the bathroom.

Peter: You got a door on your side!

Marcia: It's stuck! [The girls get into the bathroom]

Bobby: Now I know why hermits want to be hermits.

[The girls return from the bathroom, the same way]

Marcia: Passing through.

Bobby: What is this, a freeway?

Jan: Oh, we just couldn't stand being away from you two beautiful people.

[The girls leave, Peter blocks the door with a chair]

---

[Cindy and Oliver arrive home with a record album, Peter and Bobby are playing football in the yard]

Peter: Hey, what's in the bag?

Cindy: A record album.

Bobby: What kind?

Cindy: The round kind.

Oliver: With a hole in the middle.

Bobby: [laughs sarcastically] Very funny. Let's see it. [tries to grab the album from Cindy, but Cindy snatches it back]

Peter: What's the big secret?

Cindy: You know what the secret is.

Oliver: Yeah, and you guys better treat Cindy nice! She's gonna be rich and famous and I'm gonna help her!

Peter: What are you two gonna do, rip off a bank?

Bobby: Yeah, Bonnie and Clyde! [The older boys laugh]

Cindy: [sarcastically] Very funny.

Oliver: Yeah! [leaves inside with Cindy]

The Hair-Brained Scheme [5.22]

Greg: Bobby! Bobby, where are you?! Come on out, you can't hide forever!

Peter: [Enters the room, while Greg is looking under the bunk bed] Hey Greg, what are you doing down here?

Greg: [Emerges] Looking for Bobby, I'm gonna clobber him!

Peter: What... [Laughs] Hey, do you know your hair is orange? [Greg fumes] What happened?

Greg: Bobby's hair tonic!

Peter: You sure could be a stand-out student at graduation! [Laughs]

Greg: Very funny. [Leaves the room, goes to the girls' room] Has either of you seen Bobby?

Marcia: Greg! What happened to your hair?

Greg: Bobby's hair tonic!

Jan: Bobby's hair tonic? You mean you actually bought some of that junk?

Greg: Only because I felt kinda sorry for him. But now I really feel sorry for him, 'cause he's about to have a fatal accident!

[The girls laugh]

Marcia: [Pretends to offer Greg her orange sweater] Greg, do you want to borrow this for your graduation? It will match your hair!

---

Carol: Now wait a minute, you two, let's not have any bloodshed!

Bobby: Yeah, especially my blood! [Greg attempts to lunge at him, Carol tries to keep him apart]

Carol: Greg, stop it!

Greg: Well, what am I gonna do about my hair?!

Carol: Well, I don't know, leave your brother alone, we'll try to figure something out! [Turns to Bobby] I knew something like this was gonna happen, Bobby!

Greg: Well, why didn't you tell me?!

Carol: Well, here, let me see the bottle. [Takes the bottle] There's an address here! Now look, why don't we call the Neat & Natural Hair Tonic company, maybe this happened to some of their other customers.

Bobby: Good thinking, mom!

Carol: Yeah, good thinking. Look, I'll try information.

Bobby: I'm really sorry, I mean, I didn't know something like this was gonna happen!

Greg: Yeah, I guess you couldn't know.

Bobby: Of course, it could have been worse!

Greg: I'd like to know how!

Bobby: It could have turned green!

Greg: Thanks, you're real company!

Carol: [on the phone] I see. Yeah. Thank you, operator. [Hangs up phone] Well, the Neat & Natural Company had it's phone disconnected. Oh, Bobby, I knew it was gonna be some sort of shady outfit!

Bobby: I was really a jerk to fall for the ad in the magazine.

Greg: What am I gonna do about tomorrow, mom? It's graduation!

Carol: Well, Greg, have you tried to wash that stuff out of your hair?

Greg: No, I've been too busy looking for this... dumbhead! For your sake, it better work! [Leaves]

Carol: Oh, Bobby. Better say your prayers.

[In the attic, Greg tries washing his hair]

Greg: It didn't work. I washed it five times and it didn't work.

Peter: Well, at least you've got squeaky clean hair. I bet it grows out in 6-8 months.

Greg: Fantastic. Now what do I do in the meantime?

Peter: Well, you could shave your head and pretend you're a bowling ball. [Leaves, to Carol] He looks like Lucille Ball!

Carol: It didn't wash out, huh honey?

Greg: If anything, it got brighter orange.

Carol: Well look, I called the Better Business Bureau about that Neat and Natural Hair Tonic Company.

Greg: What did they say?

Carol: The FDA closed them down.

Greg: Oh well, now's a great time to find out.

Carol: Well, there is one consolation. I mean, outside of the color, it's not gonna hurt your hair or your scalp.

Greg: Well, what about graduation? I can't go out in public like this!

Carol: Well, I do have a solution. It might be a little embarrassing, but I think it'll work.

Greg: Mother, I couldn't possibly get any more embarrassed than I already am.

Cast

• Florence Henderson - Carol Brady
• Robert Reed - Mike Brady
• Ann B. Davis - Alice Nelson
• Barry Williams - Greg Brady
• Maureen McCormick - Marcia Brady
• Christopher Knight - Peter Brady
• Eve Plumb - Jan Brady
• Mike Lookinland - Bobby Brady
• Susan Olsen - Cindy Brady

External links

• The Brady Bunch quotes at the Internet Movie Database