Zoey 101 (season 3)

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The following is a list of quotes from the third season Zoey 101. It was aired between September 24, 2006 to January 4, 2008.

Surprise

Michael: Did you tell Zoey yet?

Chase: Not yet.

Michael: Man, when you gonna tell her?

Chase: Soon.

Michael: You better.

Chase: I'm gonna tell her.

Logan: Tell who what?

Michael: You that you're annoying. [he pushes Logan, and the two start to fight in the hall]

Chase: We aren't even two hours in the new school year and you guys are already about to kill each other!

Logan: No!

Michael: Oh, I'm about to kill him though!

Chase: What's up with all the items?

Zoey: Quinn's gonna be our new roommate for a while.

Chase: Oh, oh! (sees that Quinn is looking at him) Oh! Heh, how nice! For all of you!

Chase: I have run all over this freakish campus with ninety pounds of stuff and I'm about to start coughing up blood!

[while Quinn is unpacking her stuff]

Zoey: Umm, Quinn? Listen, since we're gonna be living together for a while, maybe we should go over a few... you know... rules.

Lola: Yeah, like? No poison chemicals...

Zoey: No nuclear experiments...

Lola: No genetic mutations...

Zoey: No cloning us without our permission... [Quinn picks up a jar with some green goo]

Lola: And...no that!

Zoey: Whatever that is...

Quinn: Geez, are we gonna have ANY fun?

Dustin: (breaks up the boxing fight) Hey, what are you doing!

Logan: (exhausted) We've been... boxing... to see...

Michael: (also exhausted) ... Who gets... the single bed...

Dustin: Why don't you just flip a coin?

Zoey: In love with me?! Chase?!

Lola: (sarcastic) No, me. Marry me, Zoey. Please be my wife!

Lola: Ginny, come here!

Ginny: What's up?

Lola: 'Blank' is in love with Zoey, fill in the blank.

Ginny: Chase...

Lola: Thanks for playing!

Zoey: Me and Chase are just friends! Fa-riends!

Lola: And you're Fa-Crazy!

Chase: Timeout!

Logan: What?!

Chase: I'm giving you a timeout! Go sit on that rock!

Logan: I'm not going to go sit on the-

Chase: ROCK!

(Chase, Michael, and Logan are all fighting over who gets the single bed)

Chase: May I suggest something please?

Michael and Logan: What?

Chase: Look, you guys both want the single bed right? So why don't we just say that whoever gets there first gets the bed, fair enough?

Michael: I guess so.

Chase: Kay good. Now the important thing to remember here is.. (pushes them to the ground and runs to get the single bed for himself)

Chase's Girlfriend

(Chase and Rebecca are in the middle of an argument, Michael runs up)

Michael: (to Chase) Hey, did you tell Rebecca about the...

Chase: (to Rebecca) You think you can tell me who I can and can't talk to?

Rebecca: You heard what I said!

Michael: Wow, look at that tree over there. (goes away)

Quinn: She threatened you? Oh, that's all I needed to hear! (takes out a laser gun type thing) I'll be back in ten minutes!

Zoey: No, no, no! Just put that down.

Lola: Okay, what did Rebecca say exactly?

Zoey: I don't know. Something like I better leave Chase alone and stay out of her way!

Lola: That's so nervy!

Zoey: I know! What am I gonna do? (Quinn picks up the laser gun thing) Put it down!

(Logan shoots and misses the ball in the basket)

Zoey: You do know that the ball is supposed to go in the basket, right?

Quinn: (about Rebecca) I don't like her!

Lola: What's to like?

Zoey: You guys don't even know her.

Quinn: We don't have to know her.

Lola: You're our friend, we can just automatically hate her.

Rebecca: So, Lola...have you ever thought about being a model?

Lola: Um...no. I'm more into acting.

Rebecca: Oh! Well, that works too.

Lola: What do you mean?

Rebecca: Well it's just, you're so pretty. Actually, all three of you girls are. Must be something in the water at PCA. I better start drinking it!

Michael: So talk to me.

Chase: About?

Michael: Come on, man. Last year, a week before summer vacation, you sent Zoey a text massage saying you love her and now after the summer you show up at school with a girlfriend. Talk!

Chase: You know when they say that everything happens for a reason?

Michael: I've heard that saying.

Chase: Well, I think that there's a reason why Zoey didn't get that text massage. I think it was something, I don't know, karma, universe, The Lord, The Force. Something was trying to tell me that Zoey and I are meant to be really good friends. And that's all.

Michael: You sure on that?

Chase: I mean, look at it like this: a guy's gonna have a lot of girlfriends in his life, right? Well, I don't want Zoey to be just another one of those girls that I date for a few months or even a few years and then it's over. I want Zoey to be my best friend for a really long time! You know what I'm saying?

Michael: Y-y-yeah, I know what you are saying... I just thought that I was your best friend... But if I've been replaced by Zoey then...

Chase: Zoey's my girl best friend. You're still number one, man!

Michael: That's all I wanted to hear! (goes to hug Chase)

Chase: You're such a idiot.

Michael: Thanks, man!

Chase: Rebecca has a big problem with you and me being friends.

Zoey: I know.

Chase: She said... You know?

Zoey: Yeah, she came to my room and told me to stay away from you.

Chase: She sorta said the same thing to me today.

Zoey: Did you explain to her that we're just friends?

Chase: Yeah.

Zoey: And she said?

Chase: That if I wanted her to be my girlfriend I can't... Hang out with you anymore and talk to you.

Zoey: Okay, I get it. Look, the most important thing to me is that you're happy.

Chase: Me too so... I dumped her!

Zoey: Good, that little skunkbag.

Chase: ...Zoey Brooks! Such language!

Zoey: Well, she was horrible!

Chase: Yeah, I kinda figured that out. (Zoey throws a grape at Chase) What was that for?

Zoey: For making me think you weren't going to be my friend any more.

Chase: I said I dumped her, didn't I?

Michael: So, Zoey just walked right in?

Chase: Right in.

Michael: She should have knocked first.

Chase: Yeah, that would have been nice.

Michael: And you're sure Zoey saw you and Rebecca kiss?...

(Cuts scene to the girls)

Zoey: Oh, yeah. They were kissing.

Lola: Are you a thousand percent sure they were kissing?

Zoey: Either that or Chase was trying to suck the teeth out of her mouth...

(Cuts scene back to the boys)

Michael: So, you just stopped kissing, looked up and there was Zoey standing right there in the doorway?

Chase: Yep...

Michael: Harsh!

Chase: Yeah, it wasn't the most comfortable moment of my life.

Logan: So what did you say?...

(Cuts scene to the girls)

Zoey: He said, "This is Rebecca, my girlfriend".

Lola: You sure he said, "Girlfriend'?

Quinn: Maybe you misunderstood. Maybe he said... 'Grillfriend'?

Zoey: Grillfriend?

Quinn: Yeah, you know maybe they just cook things together... Outdoors...

Logan: Is that a real chicken?

Quinn: It was a real chicken.

(After Quinn forced him to wear a dress)

Logan: Then why did you make me do all that ridiculous stuff?

Quinn: 'Cause you called me a spaz. I don't like being called a spaz. Never did. Not even as a child. I hope you learned a little lesson here.

Hot Dean

Coco: You're guys... Am I... Am I unappealing?! Would you show up at my house on Valentine's Day with a pretzel from a gas station?!

Chase: We're just teenagers!

Michael: And I don't even like pretzels...

Logan: You're just a mess!

Carl: Coco!

Coco: Carl?

Carl: What are you doing with another man!

Coco: You dumped me!

Carl: And that gives you the right to date other men?!

Coco: Yeah, kinda!

Logan: Wow, this is great!

Chase: I just don't understand why they call it "a pair of pants".

Logan: Why not?

Chase: Because a pair means two, like a pair of shoes or a pair of gloves. Two shoes, two gloves. Why pair of pants?

Michael: Because, man, you would sound stupid if you were like, "Hey, man. I love my new pant. You like my new pant? Check out my new pant!"

Dustin: Oh, man! Hey, Quinn, you think you could fix our model airplane?

Quinn: I could fix a real airplane!

(Crying and screaming is heard)

Zoey: What is that?

(Zoey, Lola, and Quinn find Coco on the ground crying next to her cell phone)

Quinn: Why is our dorm adviser rolling on the ground?

Lola: Coco! Are you okay?

Coco: Do I look okay? I'm a woman on the concrete.

Zoey: Did Carl break up with you again? (Coco continues sobbing and screaming)

Lola: I think Carl broke up with her again.

Quinn: Come on, let's get her up. (Zoey, Lola, and Quinn try to pick up Coco)

Coco: No, no! Just leave me here to die. (Zoey and Quinn pick her up and drag her away) My cell phone! (Lola gets the cell phone)

Coco: I can't believe he dumped me over the phone!

Zoey: But he always dumps you over the phone.

Lola: Yeah, like every three weeks!

(Coco continues crying, blows her nose, and looks in the tissue)

Coco: Oh, God! What is that?

Quinn: We're really sorry.

Zoey: But we gotta go start our homework.

Coco: I just don't understand guys. First, they tell you that they love you. Then, they tell you that you're too clingy and needy and, man, I'm hungry. I mean, I know I can be moody and bloated and judgmental and I may not bathe as much as other girls, but I'm fun to be with, right? RIGHT?! (Coco keeps sobbing.) Oh, man, there's a hair on my honeydew. (picks up honeydew, removes hair, and puts honeydew in her mouth. Zoey drops her food that she was about to eat in disgust)

(Phone rings)

Coco: Ooh, maybe it's Carl. Oh, gross, it's my mother. (answers phone) What?! No, Mom, he hasn't called. That's right, Mom. I'm gonna grow old and die alone.

Chase: Wow, you have a horrible dorm adviser.

Zoey's Tutor

Chase: I have to say it, I'm a little bit embarrassed for you.

Michael: This is a sports related injury! That makes me cool!

Chase: Dude, tripping over a basketball on the way to the bathroom is not cool... (sees Quinn and Lola) Oh, hey, Quinn and Lola. What's up females?

Quinn: Oh, hey!

Chase: What have you guys been doing?

Lola: I've been watching Quinn's research rats for the past three hours

Quinn: Yeah, well, you'll change your tone when I catch that rat and lock him away forever.

Michael: Uh, what rat?

Lola: (to Michael) What happened to your foot?

Michael: Oh, it's a sports related injury.

Chase: He tripped over a basketball on his way to pee.

Michael: Why do you tell people?! Why don't you just put it on the news! Hey! Where's Jeremiah Trottman? Chase has a breaking story!

Zoey: Can I say something?

Chase: Sure.

Zoey: (stands up and shouts out) I hate chemistry! Hate it! I just wanna make that clear.

Chase: Have a French fry, it'll calm you right down.

Zoey: No thanks, I'm already full. And what happened to all your talking about eating healthier food?

Chase: What? The French fry, made by the potato, a vegetable! Dipped in ketchup, made from the tomato - also a vegetable! (Stifles laugh when Zoey is eating a French fry)

Zoey: What?

Chase: You chew funny.

Zoey: (Drops the fry on Chase's tray) Goodbye. (Walks Away)

Chase: I mean good funny!

Zoey: Let’s shake on it.

Logan: Or we could kiss on it? (Zoey slaps him) We'll shake on it.

[when Quinn sprays the room with nerve gas]

Lola: You know, most girls' biggest problems with their roommate is they borrow their clothes without asking. I've got one who loses rats, shoots me in the head with plasma bolts, and fills my room with homemade nerve gas.

Quinn: ...Thanks...

Lola: Which, apparently, doesn't work too well.

Quinn: Oh! Why isn't he unconscious?!

Lola: I'm gonna go get some coffee. [she leaves]

Quinn: [to the rat] Don't you feel lightheaded?! Drowsy?! ...Oh, you are smarter than I am.

Quinn: Who cares? I've gotta go prove to my rat that no rodent can outsmart Quinn Pensky. Are ya ready for me, rat? Are you ready for a piece of Quinn?!

Ms. Bromwell: Oh, Zoey, you're good friends with Chase... Is his hair naturally that way or is it a perm?

Zoey: Uhh.. It's natural.

Chase: She's not dating Logan, okay? I've known her since the first day she came here to PCA and I know she'd never date a jerk like Logan!

Lola: He's one of your best friends!!

Chase: Which is how I know he's a jerk!

Lola: Aw, don't feel so bad.

Quinn: How can I not? I've been intellectually bested by an animal with a brain the size of a raisin. He won, I lost.

Lola: I don't even think the rat knew he was in a competition.

Quinn: I thought Chase was over Zoey!

Lola: So did I.

Chase: What do you mean? There was no two year crush on Zoey! Right, Michael?

Michael: (sarcastic) Yes, there was no crush, you silly people.

Lola:(to Chase about Zoey and Logan) Why do you care so much about this?

Chase: Because I'm a caring person, see?!?! (makes caring face)

Zoey: Logan?! (about being her tutor)

Logan: Like I'm thrilled about this. (being Zoey's tutor)

Zoey: (to her chemistry teacher) Logan doesn't know anything about chemistry! Logan doesn't know anything about anything!

Chase: Let's consider the other possiblities!

Michael: Am I the ONLY normal person here? (pulls out flute and starts playing)

Ms. Bromwell: (talking to Chase) Is your hair natural?

Chase: (touches hair) Uh... yeah.

Ms. Bromwell: I don't believe it.

Logan: Listen, I told Chase about me and you.

Zoey: What? I thought we decided we should keep it a secret.

Logan: I know, but he's my friend. You mad?

Zoey: No. I hate that I have to keep lying to Lola and Quinn.

Logan: Yeah, we shouldn't have to keep secrets from our friends.

Zoey: I know, it's just Chemistry.

Logan: Yeah, chemistry, which we have together.

Chase: (comes out of bush) Alright! I've heard enough!

Zoey: Chase!

Logan: Chase! What were you doing in that bush?!

Chase: Hearing everything!

Zoey: Look, I wanted to tell you, but I was embarrassed!

Chase: You should be embarrassed! I mean, LOGAN!

Zoey: Yeah, but he's taught me so much.

Chase: Oh, God!

Zoey: It's true. I mean, he really knows the stuff.

Chase: (stomps off) Oh! Oh! Ugh! Oh, God!

The Great Vince Blake

Mr. Toplin: [as he hands students back their history tests] I'd like to congratulate you all on your tests, which I know weren't easy. Most of you did quite well.

Chase: [to Vince] Vince, listen. I want you to know I'm not gonna turn you in for cheating.

Vince: Cool.

Chase: If... You swear not to do it anymore.

Vince: I hear ya.

Chase: Good. So, no more cheating.

Vince: No, I'm just letting you know I hear ya. I'm still gonna cheat.

Logan: [whispering to Chase] Dude! Don't irritate Vince!

Mr. Toplin: [as he gives Vince back his test] And it looks like we have a new MVP of this class. Vince Blake gets 100! [everyone cheers]

Stacey: Vince can do anything!

Mr. Toplin: Nice work, Vince.

Vince: Hey, when Vince Blake does something, he always...

Chase: Vince cheated. [the whole class stares]

Mr. Toplin: What did you say?

Chase: Vince stole the answers to the test. I saw him do it.

Vince: [laughs] That's a lie.

Mr. Toplin: Chase, that's a very serious charge.

Chase: I know.

Mr. Toplin: Well, unless you have some proof, I suggest...

Chase: He snuck in here at night and took pictures of the test with his cellphone. And I bet he wasn't smart enough to delete 'em. [Vince gives him a look]

Mr. Toplin: Vince, may I see your cellphone?

Zoey: I can't believe the three of you took on the whole football team!

Logan: Four of us...

Michael: Yeah, Del Figgalo helped. Sorta.

Quinn: (yelling) Mark! My Mark!

Chase: You wanna beat me up? Then do it. It's not gonna change things.

Football player: It'll change your face!

Chase: Touché.

Chase: They hit....

Micheal: and punched....

Logan: and kicked....

Chase: It was a medley of pain.

Vince: Just keep your mouth shut, because we'd hate to see you get hurt.

Silver Hammer Society

Mark: I've been looking for you.

Quinn: Yeah, I know. You're breaking up with me.

Mark: I am?

Logan: Chase, if you want to be a member, you have to pay attention.

Chase: I don't want to be a member.

Logan: Then why are you here.

Chase: I... Live here...

Logan: (gives a gift to a "Silver Hammer") This is just to let you know I'm interested.

Silver Hammer: Thanks, but I'm seeing someone.

Logan: But wait, wait, wait.... I didn't mean...

Michael Loves Lisa

Quinn: If you need to speed up, just hit the red button.

Chase: But I'm scared of the red button.

Quinn: Stop being a baby. (starts up the go-kart)

Michael: Hey, hey, hey! There is nothing funny about a young man with a scooter caught in his pants!

Lola: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yes, there is.

Zoey: There really is.

Quinn: How'd it happen?

Michael: [to Zoey] It's her fault!

Zoey: How's it my fault?!

Michael: You went and got me all excited about Lisa, then I got nervous!

Lola: You like Lisa? Aw, how cute!

Michael: Oh, it is NOT cute! I can't even talk to the girl without something like this happening!

Lola: Awwwww.

Zoey's Balloon

Quinn: Now, tell us who's blackmailing Zoey or Princess Ablangada's gonna take a bath.

Firewire: A bath?

Quinn: In chloropeptic acid!

Firewire: You can't do that! She's in her original packaging! (Lola turns the chair he is tied in to face Quinn and her acid) NO!!!!!

Lola: If you want to save the princess, then you'd better tell us who's blackmailing Zoey.

Quinn: Help her, Firewire. You're her only hope.

Zoey: (to Rebecca) Why? What did I ever do to you?

Rebecca: You made Chase break up with me.

Lola: No, she didn’t.

Quinn: Chase broke up with you because you're a bucket of nuts.

Chase's Grandma

(When Dustin gets in trouble)

Mr. Thatcher: Is that an oatmeal raisin cookie?

Zoey: Yes?

Mr. Thatcher: Gimme the cookie, and I'll let it slide. (she does, and he takes a bite of it) You are LUCKY.

[after Mr. Thatcher warns Lola and Quinn not to tamper with the vending machine]

Lola: [imitating Thatcher] "You are not to tamper with this machine."

Quinn: "Unless you want detention."

Quinn: We're gonna get your arm out of that thing.

Lola: And finally, get my reduced fat Doodlecake out of there.

Quinn: Will you forget about the Doodlecake?!

Lola: Um, NEVER!

[Michael's alarm clock is ringing and Lola's cellphone is going off, and they get frustrated trying to shut them off]

Chase: Hey, could you guys quiet it down a little bit?

Michael: I'm trying! This thing won't... it won't stop!

[Logan enters the room gargling, and Quinn is hitting her power drill. Chase stares at them and then...]

Chase: Okay, that's it! You people .are too loud! [he takes his computer and starts to leave]

Lola: Oh, wait! Happy birthday!

Chase: BLAH! [he walks out]

Quinn: He doesn't seem too happy for a birthday boy.

Quarantine

Logan: Hello...

Michael: Hello...

Chase: Hello...

All Three Boys: HIIIIIII!

Quinn: Dustin! What happend?

Dustin: I fell down a hill.

Quinn: Not with you, with Mark!

Logan: STOP IT! Stop it right now! [everyone else turn to him] I can't take being locked in a room with a bunch of insane freaks! [they look at him, dumbfounded] Yeah, I called you freaks!

Lola: WE'RE freaks?! You're the one who's sitting there, [her voice gets quieter] staring at yourself in the mirror! [Logan looks at her] You're the one who's sitting there- [she puts her hand near her throat] ...My voice! I lost my voice! [everyone cheers except her]

Chase: All RIGHT!

Logan: YES, about time!

Lola: You're all so mean! [cries]

(After they scare him)

Chase: You people are disturbed!

Lola: Pretty much.

[as Danny is walking away from Zoey]

Zoey: It's true, my roommate's a freak! [Quinn looks at her] Lola.

Quinn: Oh.

Dance Contest

Michael: (listening to mp3 player) I'm just another kind of girl, and you wanna be my squirrel..

Lola: (in British accent) Oh, look, it's my gorgeous roommate, Zoey Brooks, with a bottle of Blix in her hand.

Zoey: ...Should I call the campus psychologist?

Lola: (talking to Gene on the phone) Hey, Gene! You wanna be in the dance contest with my friend, Zoey? She's cute and boyfriendless!

Zoey: You're such an idiot. (takes the phone out of Lola's hand)

Chase: Teach me to dance, or I'll tell everyone at PCA that you both cried at the end of last year's American Idol finale.

Favor Chain

Zoey: Why would you want a date with Logan?

Stacey: Have you seen him? He's scrumptious! AND HIS ARMS! Oh, his arms! (swoons)

Chase: Go and drink your glove!

Stacey: (squeals and picks up swabs) You hear that, my little cotton-topped friends? Soon, I'll be Mrs. Stacy Reese! (throws swabs and squeals)

Zoey's Ribs

Chase:(picks Coco's laundry) Uh...Coco? You forgot your pillowcase.

Coco: That's my underwear. (takes laundry and walks away)

Chase:(looks at hand in horror) Well...Now, I have to go boil my hand....

Chase: Aww...Now that's nice.

Michael: What's nice?

Zoey: Seeing you two cooperate.

Logan: Well, ribs do bring people together.

(police sirens heard from out of nowhere and police cars arrive)

Dean Rivers: Why are the police here?

Pierre LeMange:(recognizing one of the cops) John Jones! (drops plate of ribs and runs off)

Detective Jones: There he is!

(Detective Jones whistles as he and the police chase Pierre LeMange as he runs)

Police Officer: He's running!

(Pierre LeMange runs towards the steps, but a tenth grader blocks his way)

Police Officer: Get him!

(Pierre LeMange runs towards the other side)

Police Officer: Don't let him get away!

(The police finally catch Pierre LeMange and tackle him on the ground)

Detective Jones: Cuff him, fellas!

Zoey: What was that about?

Police Officer:(puts handcuffs on Pierre LeMange) You're under arrest. Come on, let's go.

Dean Rivers:(confused) Why is Pierre LeMange under arrest?

Detective Jones: Well, this guy's not Pierre LeMange.

Coco:(outraged) WHAT?!

Detective Jones: He's an imposter. He goes around the country pretending he's Mr. LeMange so he can get free stuff and special V.I.P. treatment.

Chase:(outraged) No way!

Logan:(outraged) For real?!

Detective Jones: Yup. We've been chasing this guy ever since the Burbank tamale festival.

Zoey:(outraged) Oh, my God!

Michael:(confused) Burbank has a tamale festival?

Detective Jones: Put him in the car.

(The police put the fake Pierre LeMange in the back of the police car)

Coco:(running after the fake Pierre LeMange) WAIT! WAIT FOR COCO!

Police Officer:(through bullhorn) Step away from the car!

Fake Pierre LeMange:(as police car drives away with him in it) Uh, you have sauce all over your face.

Logan:(sarcastic) Great! This whole rib cook-off was for nothing!

Chase: No it wasn't.

Lola: Yeah, we had some fun, had some ribs, got to see some cops tackle some fake dude.

Drippin' Episode

Michael: Are you feelin' flumpy?

[after Chase, Michael, Logan and Dustin finish watching the horror movie "Shinnyuusha"]

Logan: Oh... my God.

Chase: I'll never be the same.

Michael: Now, I know why they call 'em chopsticks.

Chase: Uh, you okay there, Dustin? [Dustin just stares at the blank TV screen]

Logan: Come on, kid, it was just a movie, not like they're gonna come and-- [Dustin gets up and runs out of the room]

Lola: How long do you plan to let Dustin keep staying here at night?

Zoey: 'Til he's not scared anymore.

Lola: What if that takes weeks? I can't handle that, Zoey! I need to be able to throw my bra on the floor without worrying if your little brother's gonna find it, take a digital picture of it, and show it to his friends.

Dean Rivers: (after the fire alarm has gone off) All right, all right, the good news is there's no fire.(They cheer) Wait, wait. The bad news, one of you obviously pulled the fire alarm for no reason. Would the person who did it like to confess? (nobody talks) I didn't think so. All right, let me be clear. Pulling a fire alarm is not funny. (laughter is heard) It's a serious offense. If it happens again, and I don't find out who it is, I'm giving this entire dorm detention. (the boys start complaining) Now, go back to bed.

Logan: OK, whoever pulled the alarm, if you do it again, you're getting your butt kicked.

Michael: Yeah, a fake fire alarm is not drippin'. (all of the boys look at Michael)

Chase: Saying drippin' is not drippin'.

Michael: Hey, hey! You can't use the term against itself. [to himself] I hate when people disrespect my term... I need some French fries.

Dean Rivers: (after the fire alarm has gone off for the second night) All right, I told you what would happen if someone pulled that fire alarm again. All of you have detention this Saturday. (all of the boys groan as they start to walk inside)

Bully: Who keeps pulling that stupid alarm?! [to a nerd] Was it you?!

Nerd: No! No, I-I-I'd never do any- [bully pushes him to the ground] Ow! Ow, ow, rupture!

Chase: Whoa, hey! We're not gonna solve this problem by shoving random nerds.

Bully: Oooooooh! Excuse me, voice of reason!

Michael: Look, I'm tired of being woken up in the middle of the night when I'm dreaming about... [the others look at him] You people don't need to know what I dream about!

Logan: Well, I don't like detention.

Bully: Neither do I!

Chase: Hey! How about we take turns, staying up, hiding, watching the fire alarm? That way, we'll catch whoever's doing it.

Bully: That's good.

Michael: Yeah! That idea's drippin!

Chase: It's not gonna catch on. [they start to walk back inside]

Michael: Yes, it will.

[Zoey, Lola and Quinn are hugging Dustin together]

Lola: You can stay here!

Quinn: You can move in with us!

Lola: You can even take a digital picture of my bra!

Dustin: Can't...breathe!

Logan: Sweet! My J-Phone just downloaded three new shows and two movie previews!

Michael: Oh, will you quit showing off your fancy Asian phone?

Logan: Ooh, what, you're not gonna say it's drippin?

Michael: Hey, hey. Don't you mock drippin'. Don't you mock my new word!

Chief Beck: 'Scuse me, is that the J-Phone, from Japan?

Logan: Yeah, but uh... [whispers] Don't say anything okay? They're not legal in America. [winks]

Chief Beck: I'm aware of that. [takes the J-Phone from Logan]

Logan: Hey!

[Chief Beck holds a scanner next to the J-Phone and after a few seconds the screen on the scanner reads "FREQUENCY 452.8 RPT"]

Chief Beck: Dean Rivers, can you come over here please?

[Dean Rivers walks over]

Chief Beck: [shows him the J-Phone] Here's what's been setting off the fire alarm every night. [points at Logan] This kid's cellphone.

Logan: Huh?

Chief Beck: It's called a J-Phone, made in Japan. They're illegal in the U.S. because they operate on restricted frequencies used by police and fire departments. [glares at Logan] Frequencies that set off fire alarms.

Bully: You're a dead man, Reese.

Nerd: Yeah!

[Logan glances nervously at the crowd of angry boys gathered behind him]

Logan: [laughs] Right, I'm sure you're all just gonna beat me up, right here in front of Dean Rivers.

Firefighter: Chief Beck, our coffee's ready!

Chief Beck: Oh! Coffee!

Dean Rivers: Let's get some.

[Chief Beck and Dean Rivers walk away]

Logan: Uh, Dean Rivers? [the boys move towards him] Dean? Sir!

Chase: Uh... [clears throat] Run. [Logan runs]

Unknown Guy: Let's get him! [the other boys form an angry mob and run after Logan, except Chase and Michael]

Logan: How could you two just let those guys beat me up last night? How could you do that?

Michael: It was easy.

Chase: We just walked back to the dorm, and went to sleep.

Son Of A Dean

Lola: (to Zoey) On a first date, a guy and a girl are just checking each other out.

Quinn: The second dates are like a compatibility test. To see whether you guys get along.

Lola: Third date is a real turning point.

Quinn: Whether to see if your gilfriend material.

Lola: Or the dreaded "just friends".

(on "The Chase and Michael Show", the two boys are bowling pins about to be hit by the ball)

Michael: Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

Chase: Calm down!

Michael: I can't calm down! We're about to be hit by a big, flat ball!

Chase: B-b-but, maybe it will miss us!

Michael: How's it gonna miss us?! We're right in front! Oh, man! He's about to roll! It's gonna roll!

Chase: Hey, I got an idea!

Michael: Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me!

Chase: When the ball rolls at us, hop up and down.

Michael: Why?!

Chase: 'Cause, maybe-maybe when the ball gets here, we'll be up! And it'll roll right under us!

Michael: Here comes the ball! Ahhhhhh!

(the two shout in fear. The ball rolls towards them slowly, until it hits them, knocking all ten pins out)

Michael: (at the table with Chase) Ah, we're cute.

Chase: Yeah. Now, we just need 25 more ideas.

Michael: Yeah. Okay, okay. How about this. Our characters are two dolphins that are afraid to be hit by a boat.

Chase: Yeah. See, that's the same thing as the bowling pins.

Michael: No, we're dolphins.

Chase: We're being sued...

Michael: (cries for a bit) I told you we should've gone with the dolphins!

Chase: Okay, you are the worst roommate ever!

Logan: But, I am goooood-looking.

Logan: All right! You want an idea? How about... your characters are bowling pins and you're terrified of being hit by the bowling ball. How's that?

Michael: That could be really funny. How did you think of that?

Logan: I'm good at everything.

Miss PCA

Michael: You know, why do they call this an "eggplant"? It doesn't look like an egg, it doesn't look like a plant.

Lola: So, what should they call it?

Michael: I don't know. Veggabush.

Zoey: This is important to me! I want to be on the cover of Buzz!

Chase: No, you don't, you're just obsessed with beating Lola because you guys are in a fight!

Zoey: Okay, I do not need a therapist, so if you're not gonna help me—

Chase: Maybe, you do need a therapist, because you're not even acting like you.

Zoey: Oh, I'm not?

Chase: You're the one who said contests like this bring out the worst in people. Well, guess what? It's bringing out the worst in you!

Zoey: That's so not true!

Chase: It's like...you? To run around, freaking out, dying for Logan to pick you as the prettiest girl at PCA?

Zoey: (brief pause) ...Topaz, pearls, or red balls?

Chase: This is so much better than a beauty pageant.

Quinn: So much better!

Michael: Girls — always fighting dirty.

Quinn: (starts to laugh) Fighting dirty, That's funny!

Michael: It is? ...Yeah, that's right, it is! It sure is! You just laugh it up, Quinn. Compliments of Michael Barrett!

Chase: It wasn't that funny.

Quinn: I know. But now, he'll stop trying to make me laugh.

Logan Gets Cut Off

Michael: Hey, is this a dolphin, or a porpoise?

Chase: ...That's a trash bag...

Chauncy: Excuse me, children, please leave this room so that Mr. Reese may speak with his son.

Chase: Hey, come on, this is my room too. [Chauncy offers him a $50 bill] You know, suddenly, I feel like standing in the hallway. Come along, Zoey. Mr. Reese. [leaves the room along with Zoey]

Zoey: You're giving me half that money.

[Chauncy closes the door after them]

Logan: [feeling concerned] What's going on?

Malcolm Reese: [holds up a piece of paper] This is the bill for my United Express credit card.

Logan: So?

Malcolm Reese: $327, 000?

Logan: Oh, I bought a car.

Malcolm Reese: Without asking me?

Logan: You said I could use the credit card at PCA whenever I wanted.

Malcolm Reese: For books, food, maybe a little entertainment.

Logan: It's a very entertaining car.

Malcolm Reese: It's going back.

Logan: What? Dad, that's cruel!

Malcolm Reese: I'm cutting you off. [Logan looks shocked] No money, no checkbook, no credit cards.

Logan: What? Dad, no! [grabs Chauncy by his suit coat] Chauncy, please talk to him!

Chauncy: Let go of my lapels, or I'll poke you in your neck.

Malcolm Reese: [as Logan faces him] The credit card. [Logan then feebly gives the credit card to him] Chauncy?

[Chauncy then takes out a pair of scissors]

Logan: [now getting frantic] What, what, what? No, no! Wait! No, no! [Malcolm takes the scissors from Chauncy and cuts the credit card in half] [screams] [Malcolm then hands the destroyed credit card back to his distressed son, and returns the scissors to Chauncy, before walking over and opening the room's door] Dad!

Malcolm Reese: Gentlemen, take the plasma screen, the laptop, the stereo, and all that stuff there.

[Two movers enter the room, head over to Logan's stereo and start to unplug it]

Logan: [realizing that his dad is not only taking away his money but also his luxury items as well] No, no! Dad, please! Why? Why the stereo? I need the stereo, I have to listen to music! [The movers pick up and carry away the stereo as Logan continues to plead] Oh, no, please! Put it down! Dad, please! Please! [Malcolm continues to stand firm, ignoring his son's pleas, as the movers return, unplug the plasma screen TV, and carry it out of the room] No! Dad, not the plasma screen! No! Noooooooooooooooooo! [collapses to his knees in distress]

Zoey: Oh my God, we actually feel bad for Logan Reese.

Lola: Unbelievable.

Zoey: Wow.

Chase: That's insane.

Zoey: He's letting kids throw tomatoes at him?

Lola: For a dollar a piece?

Chase: Can I have a dollar? (Zoey nudges him)

Chase: I miss Logan's plasma screen.

Michael: Why couldn't his dad had've taken Logan away and left all the cool stuff? (Logan walks into the room) What's up, poor boy? (Chuckles)

Logan: I hate my life.

Michael: Yeah, you've looked better.

Chase: What's wrong with your hair?

Logan: Juanita didn't fluff it. That's what's wrong with it.

Michael: Juanita?

Logan: The lunch lady. I used to pay her to blow dry and fluff my hair every morning, which is why I'd look so awesome. But now since my evil father closed my bank account, I can't pay her to do it anymore.

Michael: Yeah, life is hard.

Logan: It is now.

Lola: Why should we help him?

Chase: He wouldn't help us.

Zoey: Yeah, but we're good people.

Lola: Yeah, I am a good person.

Lola: I can't believe I'm transporting Logan Reese's underpants.

Chase: Yeah, well if you're really in the mood, try typing up this 26 page history report.

Lola: Why'd he have to buy that stupid car and lose all his money? I liked him better when he was rich and obnoxious.

Zoey: You know, it's really wrong to read another person's e-mail.

Chase: You want me to stop?

Zoey: No! Read it!

(While Michael is tied up)

Stacey: Have you heard the song I wrote? I can sing it for you.

Michael: No! Please! What'd I ever do to you?

Stacey: (singing off-key. Throughout the song, Michael is whining about the song and how horrible Stacey's singing is.) You can sip it in the morning, sip it in the evening, even at a quarter to three! 'Cause I like sassafras, you like sassafras, we like sassafras teeeeeeeeeeeeeea!

Goodbye Zoey?

Zoey: What are you guys doing here? Why didn't you tell me you were coming? Mom, what did you do to your hair? Why aren't you answering my questions?

Mr. Brooks: 'Cause you're not taking any pauses.

Zoey: Why are you here?

Mrs. Brooks: Well, we have a little news.

Zoey: Are you having a baby, Mom?

Mrs. Brooks: No.

Mr. Brooks: No babies. No babies, right?

Mrs. Brooks: No. No.

Michael: Hey, you know Chase...he was probably on his way here, then fell down some stairs. Landed on his big bush of a head.

(Quinn and Lola walk down the hallway)

Lola: I don't wanna play volleyball with Gretchen.

Quinn: How icky is she?

Lola: Well, what is Chase thinking? Why would you wanna hang out with a girl like that?

Quinn: Uh, it's pretty obvious.

Lola: What?

Quinn: She's blonde, insanely pretty. She looks like Zoey.

Lola: Well, yeah, but... Oh my god, you think that's why he wants to be friends with her?

Quinn: Totally. I mean, come on, there's nothing appealing about her personality. This is like Psychology 101. He misses Zoey, so he's trying to fill that void with a substitute.

Lola: That's so stupid. No one can replace Zoey.

(Michael and Logan find Chase in the lobby)

Logan: There he is. What are you doing?

Michael: You were supposed to meet us at Sushi Rox.

Chase: I am, but I invited Gretchen, and she's a little late.

Logan: Oh, why'd you invite Gretchen?

Chase: 'Cause she's my bud. I'll go see if I can find her in the hall.

(leaves to go look for Gretchen)

Logan: What's wrong with him? Why can't he see that Gretchen's disgusting?

Michael: Tsk. Because she looks like Zoey.

Logan: Then Chase needs a psychiatrist.

Michael: Ah, give the boy a break.

Logan: Dude. Trying to replace a girl with another girl just 'cause they look alike, that's a little sick.

Michael: So? You're sick too.

Logan: I'm not sick!

Michael: Then why do you take at least a hundred digital pictures of yourself every week?

Logan: 'Cause I have movie star good looks.

Michael: See that? You're sicker than I thought.

Lola: How can a girl that looks that much like Zoey be so--?

Quinn: (finishes) Nauseating?!

Lola: Yeah.

Michael: (sighs) I think it's time.

Lola: For what?

Michael: An intervention. We gotta talk to Chase about Gretchen.

Quinn: All of us together?

Michael: Naw. (points to Logan with his thumb) I think me and Logan should do it alone. Could get ugly.

(Logan screws the lock holder on the door)

Michael: How's it coming?

Logan: I'm getting it. Why don't you come help me?

Michael: Because if I don't send this report to Mr. Bender, I'm gonna get a 0. (tries to X-out) How do you close this webcam software?

Logan: Just click on the little box in the corner.

(opens the door)

Michael: I see no little box!

Logan: Well, just click somewhere!

(Michael tries clicking out, but the screen ends up on the monitor blinking and the red light beeps and blinks)

Michael: Click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click.

(Logan locks the door with a padlock with Chase and Michael inside)

Chase: I saw this in a prison movie.

Logan: We need to talk.

Michael: We do.

Chase: Okay, is, uh... (takes his backpack off and puts it down) everything all right?

Michael: Nope.

Logan: You gotta quit hanging around with Gretchen.

Chase: Oh, really?

Michael: Really.

Chase: Why?

Logan: She's disgusting!

Chase: Hey, well, don't hold back.

Michael: Come on, you know you wouldn't hang out with that girl in a million years if she didn't... (sighs)

Chase: If she didn't what? (Logan and Michael don't answer) If she didn't what? Just say it.

Logan: If she didn't look like Zoey.

Chase: (snorts twice) You guys are ridiculous.

Michael: I don't think we're ridiculous.

(Chase pulls on the padlock and tries to get out)

Chase: Unlock the door.

Michael: It's okay that you miss Zoey.

Chase: I don't miss Zoey. Okay, I haven't even thought about her since she left.

Logan: You're saying it's just a coincidence that Gretchen looks exactly like Zoey?

Chase: I don't even see a resemblance.

Michael: (scoffs) Everybody thinks they look alike!

Logan: And that's why you're hanging out with her! She's your little "Zoey replacement," and that's a little bit sick.

Michael: (to Logan) Uh, subtle.

Logan: He needs to hear this.

Chase: I don't need to hear anything from you guys right now. (as Zoey reads a magazine, a small beep from her computer alerts her that she has a webcam connection, and she begins to watch the conversation) If you cared about me, you wouldn't judge my friends!

Michael: So you don't think it's weird that right after she leaves PCA, you make friends with some bizarr-o girl that just happens to look exactly like Zoey?

Chase: Gretchen is a lot of fun.

Logan: Ha! Yeah, like the way she spits and picks her nose?

Michael: Oh, yeah. Don't forget the fun way she pops her pimples at lunch!

Chase: Unlock the door.

Logan: We'll unlock the door when you admit that you miss Zoey.

Chase: Well, then we better order some pizzas and a toilet, 'cause we're gonna be in here for a while.

Logan: Why is it so hard for you to just admit it's killing you that Zoey's gone?

Chase: It's hard to admit something that's not true! (Zoey looks upset)

Michael: Chase...

Chase: Enough! Alright?

(Logan walks over to Chase's bed and picks up a small giraffe stuffed animal)

Logan: Ooh! Looky here.

Chase: Put that down.

Logan: Zoey gave you this, right?

Chase: Maybe, just put it down.

Logan: Why? If you don't care about Zoey, then why would you care about a stupid little stuffed animal she gave you?

Michael: Logan...

Logan: It's cool. Chase doesn't care about it.

Chase: That's right, I don't.

Logan: Good.

Chase: Good.

Logan: Well then I guess it wouldn't bug you if I do this! (rips the head off the giraffe)

(Chase grabs Logan and slams him against the wall in anger. Michael grabs Chase and pulls him back, and Chase struggles to get free)

Chase: (calms down) I'm sorry!

Logan: It's cool.

Chase: I'm sorry!

Michael: It's okay.

Chase: You're right... Everything you guys said is true.

Michael: We know you miss Zoey, man.

Chase: I don't just miss her... I'm in love with her. I've been in love with Zoey ever since I met her. When she got out of her dad's car, and I saw her standing there, and I rode my bike into that stupid flagpole, (Zoey softly smiles) I was in love with Zoey before I hit the ground, and I don't think that feeling's ever gonna go away. (Zoey looks surprised)