Zoey 101 (season 1)

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The following is a list of quotes from the first season Zoey 101. It was aired between January 9 to May 1, 2005.

Welcome To PCA

Zoey: How many of you have ever played on a basketball team before?

(A few raise their hands)

Zoey: How many of you would say you're good at basketball?

Quinn: Um, I once made a basketball explode!

Zoey: (to Chase after he throws an old sandwich out the window) My hero.

Dana: Just pass me the ball whenever you can, and stay out of my way!

Nicole: Works for me.

Nicole: Excuse me, have you noticed that she's the only girl on our team who can play this game?

Coach: I think everyone here has noticed it.

Nicole: But that's my stuff! (Dana glares at her) That I'll be moving.

Chase: Better be going. Oh, and be careful.

Zoey: Why be careful?

Chase: Well, it's the first day at school. Lots of kids like to pull pranks.

Zoey: Like hanging your bike from a tree?

Chase: Huh? Oh man. PUT THAT DOWN, YOU LITTLE FREAKS!! I gotta go. Later.

Zoey: Later.

Chase: Oh, and I forgot to say, "Welcome to PCA".

Zoey: Go save your bike.

Chase: Right.

Zoey: Ok, Logan, tell ya what. I'll round up my best five girls and you round up your best five guys. And we'll see whose better at basketball.

Logan: You serious?

Nicole: Zoey!

Zoey: I'm serious.

Logan: Good. This Friday?

Zoey: Why not?

Logan: Then, you're on!

Zoey: Good!

Michael: Plus, we heard you guys got pizza.

Chase: And cake.

Zoey: Oh, so you guys just want pizza.

Chase: And cake!

Logan: Here's a little tip: Try to make the balls go in the basket.

Zoey: And here's a tip for you: Try to make words not come out of your mouth!

Dana: Can I play?

Zoey: Um, we kind of already have a full team.

Quinn: Bye!

Zoey: I guess you're in.

Nicole: You're the only girl on our team that can play this game. The rest of us are "suckish"

Quinn: Is "Suckish" a word?

Logan: Hope you girls have learned your lesson!

Coach: I sure have. How would you two girls like to be on the basketball team?

Dustin: Psst, Zoey, psst!

Zoey: Dustin?

Dustin: Good Luck! But I can't root for you.

Zoey: Why not?

Dustin: Because the guys said if I root for the girls, they'll shave off my eyebrows!

Zoey: Don't let them scare you!

Dustin: Too late, I'm way past scared. Anyway, good luck!

Nicole: (about the urinal) Why is it here?

Zoey: Because this used to be a boy's dorm.

Nicole: Well, it creeps me out.

Zoey: You act like it's the first time you've seen one of these things.

Nicole: Oh, please, I wasn't born yesterday. I know about boy stuff. So, how do they sit on it?

Chase: (points to Jim)...Jim

Zoey: That's the gym?

Chase: Oh, no, that's my bud, Jim. Hey Jim!

Zoey: 'Sup Jim! I like Jim.

Chase: Jim's good people.

Nicole: You are a wizard with scissors. I'm going to call you the Scissor Wizard!

Zoey: No, you're not.

Nicole: Okay.

Zoey: You play sports?

Nicole: Is shopping a sport?

Zoey: No.

Nicole: Then, no.

New Roomies

Dana: It's my bed.

Nicole: It's my head.

Zoey: Stop it. You know what, Dana? You are a slob, and Nicole, it is rude of you to use a stupid hair dryer when people need quiet!

Dana':Well

'Nicole:Well

Dana':The perfect roomate has spoken

Zoey: I didn't say i was perfect

Dana: Good cause you annoy us too sometimes

Zoey: Yeah like how?

Dana: You always forget your key

Nicole': Yes

Zoey: So

Dana: So its anoying to have to let you in all the time. im zoey i forgot my key

Nicole': I'm Zoey i locked my self out please let me in

Zoey: Okay, since I'm such a horrible roomate, then maybe I should move out!

Michael: Save me!

Chase: From what?

Michael: (Points to Quinn) From that!

Zoey: Maybe you could hang out with me and my roommates sometime!

Quinn: Aren't they the ones always fighting?

Chase: Do girls like fooseball? Because if you don't like fooseball, we could knit or something . . .

Zoey: (laughs) I like fooseball.

Chase: Yeah, Fooseball's cool.

Zoey: (to Nicole and Dana) What? I can't brush my teeth for 5 minutes without you two trying to bludgeon each other?

Nicole: We have to be at class by 8!

Dana: Yeah, which is why I set my alarm clock for 7:55!!!

Quinn: It's one of my Quinnventions. You see, my name is Quinn and I invent things . . . so I call them "Quinnventions."

Zoey: Oh, that's very . . . "Quinnteresting"!

Zoey: Naw, they don't want me back. Guess I'm stuck with Quinn and her "Quinnventions."

Chase: "Quinnventions"?

Zoey (About Quinn) Yeah. She combined her name with the word "Inventions."

Chase: Ah! So she's... "Quinnsane"!

Michael: 'Sup Chase?

Chase: Oh! Hey! (attempts to hide rose he is carrying behind his back)

Michael: Whose the rose for?

Chase: Oh, this? Oh, you caught me . . . it's for you.

Michael: That's nice, man, but how about you give it to Zoey instead?

Chase: That's an idea!!

Chase: Look, don't tell Logan.

Zoey: So, you want to see if my food is happy?

Quinn: Happy, sad, angry, frightened...

Chase: I'm frightened!

Zoey: Quinn happens to be the perfect roommate!

Quinn: Zoey, I'm about to iron my underwear. Want me to do yours?

Zoey: I don't iron my underwear.

Quinn: Whatever.

Dana: Yeah, she's a good one!

Zoey: At least we don't fight all the time!

Dana: Neither do we.

Nicole: Yeah, since you moved out, we've been getting along great.

Dana: (puts arm around Nicole) Yeah, best friends!

Zoey: That's good for you. Bye!

Dana: (Zoey leaves) Don't ever touch me again!

Nicole: Slob!

Dana: Jerk!

Nicole: UGHH!!!

Zoey: Sorry. I only get 15. And I gotta live.

Dustin: What about you?

Chase: Sorry, kid. If I had money I'd lend it to myself, which I don't...So, I'm outta luck, and so are you!

Dustin: What did he say?

Zoey: No!

Webcam

Nicole: Hey, Quinn, you wanna play confess or stress with us?

Quinn: How do you play?

Zoey: Okay, so you roll the dice...

Quinn: Yeah...

Dana: And if you land on an even number, you have to confess to something really embarrassing...

Nicole: And if you roll an odd number, you have to do something stressful.

Quinn: Like eat a poisonous bug?

Zoey: Stressful... not lethal.

Logan: 'Sup ladies!

Zoey: We were just talking about you.

Logan: Can't blame you.

Zoey: You're working with Logan now?

Chase: Well, I'm working, he seems to be watching.

Logan: I'm training you, so you can learn to make deliveries on your own.

Zoey: Good. Now, that we know you're not delivering anymore, we'll order more often!

Quinn: Logan's such a jerk.

Nicole: A very cute jerk.

Zoey: (on cell phone in phony Southern accent) Excuse me, sir, I'm calling about the mustard you ordered.

Mr. Callahan: Um, I didn't order any mustard.

Zoey: Yes, you did, you ordered nine thousand jars of mustard.

Mr. Callahan: Who could eat that much mustard?

Zoey: That's none of my business! So, what time would you like me to drop off the mustard?

Mr. Callahan: But I don't even like mustard!

Zoey: Then, why'd you order so much?

Mr. Callahan: I didn't...

Zoey: Why would I spread rumors about myself?

Nicole: To trick us!

Zoey: Nicole!

Chase: Hey, Kazu!

Kazu: You're late!

Chase: I'm 10 minutes early!

Kazu: No back sass!

Chase: Okay... just put the knife down!

Quinn: (scans bear) That jerk!

Zoey: What?

Quinn: Let's go!

(Nicole, Quinn, and Zoey go back to Zoey's dorm)

Zoey: Well?

Quinn: That bear is broadcasting both audio and visual transmissions via broadband wavelengths to a remote digital receiver!

Nicole: I knew it! What does that mean?

Zoey: In English?

Quinn: There's a webcam in that bear!

Nicole: I knew it! Wait, I still don't know what that means.

Zoey: Did you have anything to do with it?

Chase: Uh, come in?

Zoey: Did you put a camera in a bear?

Chase: I don't think so, seeing as I don't have a camera... or a bear.

Zoey: Chase.

Chase: Will you just tell me what's going on here?

Zoey: That bear you and Logan gave us, it's got a webcam in it.

Chase: What?!

Zoey: Don't act like you don't know.

Chase: I'm not acting. Zoey.

Zoey: Where's Logan's computer?

Chase: Over there.

Zoey: Hey, sushi's here!

Nicole: Thanks, Chase, we love the free sushi!

Chase: Look, girls, I don't know if I can keep hooking you up with all this free sushi. I think my boss is starting to get a little suspicious.

Zoey: Kazu?

Chase: Yeah, so listen, if anybody asks, just say...

Kazu: Aha! I knew it!

Chase: Kazu!

Kazu: You've been stealing all my sushi and giving it to these girls!

Chase: Uh, no, no, that's... that's not true.

Kazu: Yes, it is! I'm going to tell the Dean. And then you will be... And then you will be...

Zoey: Quinn, next card!

Kazu: Expelled! You will be expelled!

Chase: Expelled?!

Kazu: You're going to prison!

Nicole: No!

(Zoey hits him on the head with a vase)

Zoey: I'm sorry, I panicked!

Chase: He's out cold.

Zoey: Oh, no, now, we're all gonna get expelled!

Chase: No, nobody's getting expelled!

Nicole: But he's gonna wake up eventually and tell the Dean what happened!

Chase: Yes, that's why we have to get rid of him!

Zoey: Let's tie him up and shove him in the closet!

Chase: Right! Then, late tonight, when everyone's asleep, we hot wire his car, and put Kazu in the trunk!

Zoey: We'll drive him... to Mexico!

Logan: Did she say, "Mexico"?

Michael: Si!

Nicole: But what if the Dean finds out?

Zoey: She has a point.

Chase: Hey... he didn't see who hit him!

Zoey: Right! We'll blame it all on... on... Logan!

Logan: Me?!

Chase: Okay! We'll blame the whole thing on Logan! Stealing the sushi, knocking out Kazu, everything!

Logan: They're gonna blame everything on me!

Michael: I heard.

Zoey: Okay, quick, let's tie up Kazu and shove him in the closet.

Nicole: I got the duct tape!

Logan: I gotta do something!

Michael: Ok, you go get the Dean.

Logan: I'm not gonna let Chase and those crazy girls frame me.

Michael: You go get em, man.

Logan: Kazu, I can explain.

Kazu: So can I, you're fired! (chuckles) I feel like Donald Trump.

Logan: But, you got whacked in the head with a vase.

Kazu: What?

Defending Dustin

Chase: You gotta hide Elvis.

Nicole: Who's Elvis?

Chase: Our dog!

Zoey: Doesn't PCA have a rule against pets?

Chase: Yeah, that's why we've been hiding him in our room.

Michael: But our DA smelled a dog!

Chase: DA, short for Dorm Adviser.

Zoey: I know.

Chase: OK...that's short for okay

Zoey: Stop it!

Michael: Well, anyway, our DA's getting all suspicious.

Chase: (To Zoey) Everyone gets hurt sometimes. You've never been hurt?

Zoey: No, not by a big, dumb bully.

Chase: Well, then, maybe it's time. (he starts giving her noogies) Oh, yeah, that's right. She's in trouble now, give me your lunch money.

Zoey: Quit it!

Chase: Give me your lunch money or I'll.... (Zoey bites his arm) Oww, did you bite me?

Zoey: Maybe.

Chase: Oh, it's on.

Chase: You're fast!

Zoey: Maybe you're just slow.

Chase: Harsh.

Herb: Close the door and sit down. I am very upset with you, Mr. Finch.

Keith: You're not the principal.

Herb: No back sass!

Keith: Who are you?

Herb: I happen to be the Dean of Discipline.

Keith: Dean of--

Herb: Stop speaking!

Keith: OK.

Herb: I understand you've been harassing some of the younger students. Is that correct?

Keith: Well, I--

Herb: Don't even think about lying!

Keith: Yeah, I guess I have.

Herb: You guess?!

Keith: Yes!

Herb: Yes what? Come on, say it, Finch. Tell me!

Keith: I-I-I pick on people.

Herb: You mean you used to?

Keith: Huh?

Herb: If I ever hear of you bothering any student on the PCA campus, especially younger ones, I'll expel you faster then pigtails on a giraffe! Do you understand me?!?!

Keith: Yes, sir, except for the giraffe part.

Herb: Get out!

Keith: Yes sir!"

Zoey: Herb, you were great!

Chase: Yeah, I was outside and you had me shaking!

Herb: Really, I was good!

Zoey: Are you kidding me?

Chase: That was the best acting any janitor has ever done!

Herb: Now if you'll excuse me there is a clogged toilet in the gym calling my name.

Prank Week

Chase: You know what I'm saying?

Michael: You don't even know what you're saying!

Zoey: Chase, thank you so much!

Chase: It’s okay, but, actually, it wasn’t me.

Zoey: Michael?

Michael: Not me.

Zoey: Then who was it? (Chase and Michael point to Logan) Logan? Why would you want to keep me at PCA?

Logan: If you weren't around, who else would I pick on?

Dean Rivers: I'm not going to ask you again. Who did this?

Chase: Technically, sir, you did just ask again.

Dean Rivers: Chase!

Chase: Sorry.

Nicole: (crying) But this is the best school ever! They have a pool, cute boys, a beach across the street, and cute boys!

Zoey: I bet there are cute boys back in your school in Kansas.

Nicole: No, they're all dumb and gross.

Zoey: Hey, Quinn, did you hear the news? This is our last semester here.

Quinn: Can't talk. Plotting revenge.

Nicole: I'm going to miss her freakish ways. (cries again)

Zoey: Aw, it's a bunny with a PCA shirt on!

Logan: Chase picked it out.

Chase: Why do you tell people?

Logan: Do girls know anything?

Dana: I know how to make you cry.

Logan: What are you gonna do? Kiss me?

Dana: You wish!

Logan: Yeah I do! (laughs)

Mr. Bradford: All right. Just stop my daddy from peeing and no one gets expelled.

Jet X

Mr. Savage: Do you know what this is?

Chase: Some kind of scooter?

Mr. Savage: (Buzzing noise) Wrong!

Chase: Sorry.

Quinn: Where's the off button on this?

Dana: Uh, I don´t know. You're the geek.

Quinn: True.

Zoey: (on the phone to Chase) Chase, you rock!

Chase: (to Michael) I rock!

Michael: You´re OK.

Nicole: You're just jealous because my dad owns a juice company!

Dana: What?!

Zoey: What?!

Nicole: I didn't know what to say!

Zoey: Well, tell him money doesn't give him the right to push people around.

Chase: I did.

Zoey: And?

Chase: He gave me 50 bucks to shut up.

Mr. Bender: Okay! Shut up. So, why are you guys fighting?

Chase: Uh... Uh... he said... he said I have bushy hair!

Mr. Bender: Now, Chase, your hair is unusually bushy. And Michael, the bushiness of his hair is none of your business.

Logan: Or I could give you a ride, maybe we could go to the beach and make out a little.

Zoey: You know, I would, but it's so hard for a girl to kiss a guy while she's vomiting.

Chase: It's true. It happened to me once.

The Play

Logan: (to Chase) Why do you waste your time with the drama club? Why don't you go out for football or something?

Chase: Because the drama club's loaded with hot girls. And I've seen the football team. They're not hot.

Michael: I don't know. Dave, the quarterback, is a pretty handsome dude. (Chase and Logan give him weird looks) I've said too much.

(Dustin knocks on Zoey's door)

Dustin: Hey, is Zoey here?

Dana: No.

Dustin: Well, do you know where she is?

Dana: Nope.

Dustin: 'Cuz I think I'm sick, and I was wondering if...

(Dana shuts the door in his face)

Michael: Calm down. Let me ask you this, it's your play right?

Chase: Yeah, so?

Michael: So, if it's bothering you so much, then change it.

Chase: Change it?

Michael: Write a different ending.

Chase: I can get rid of the kiss! Michael, you, my friend, are a genius in short pants! (runs off)

Michael: I have my moments.

Mr. Fletcher: Kill? Kill?!

Chase: Yeah, see, it's actually supposed to say, "Zorka leans in to kill the lifeguard." Not kiss. It was just a complete typo. I'm always mixing up my S's and L's. Like one time I tried to write "Sassafras". I wrote "Lallafral"!

Dustin: (to Quinn) Why are you taking off my shoes?

Quinn: I'm going to cure you by applying proton impulses to the soles of your feet.

Dustin: Can I please leave?

Quinn: No... Ready?

Dustin: No. (Quinn fires her proton device at Dustin's feet) Ah! That tickles. (Quinn stops the proton device)

Quinn: Do you feel better?

Dustin: No!

Quinn: I'll adjust the proton saturation.

Dustin: Huh? (Quinn fires her proton device at Dustin's feet) It's not making me better!

Nicole: He really is awesome?

Chase: (sarcastically) Yeah, Logan's fantastic, just fantastic. Isn't he fantastic?

Zoey: I don't see why you have to pick on him all the time. Logan's not such a bad guy.

Nicole: Ooh. She's starting to like him.

Dana: Ya think?

Chase: What?! That's insane! It's insane, right Zoey?

Zoey: Yeah, I mean...

Chase: You mean what?

Zoey: I don't know. Maybe, I do like him...

Chase: Okay. I got to go.

Zoey: Where are you going?

Chase: To take a bath. What difference does it make?

Quinn's Date

Chase: I wonder who invented the meatball.

Zoey: What do you mean invented?

Chase: Well, some guy back in the fifteenth century must have said, "Yes, meat is good, but it would be even better in ball form. And thus the meatball was born".

Zoey: (About Mark) Go talk to him.

Quinn: Oh, I dunno. I'm not very good at talking to guys.

Zoey: It's easy. It's just like talking to girls, but you gotta use smaller words.

Quinn: Okay, so, what do I do?

Zoey: Just pretend Chase is a guy.

Chase: Uh, thanks.

Quinn: Did you know that female spiders eat their children?

Chase: Huh?

Quinn: Spiders aren't insects! They're arachnids! Did you know that elephant urine smells like licorice?

Chase: Oh, my God.

Quinn: Tell me about your first rash.

Chase: Zoey.

Zoey: Quinn.

Quinn: I'm curious. I have an extra toe. Wanna see?

Chase: MAKE IT STOP!

Quinn: Don't you guys want to see my extra toe?

Zoey, Nicole, Dana & Chase: No!

Quinn: Hi, Mark.

Mark: Oh, hey, Clint.

Chase: Quinn.

Quinn: Did you say, "Clint"?

Chase: He said, "Quinn."

Mark I said, "Clint."

Quinn: Who's Clint?

Chase: He meant, "Quinn".

Zoey: My friend, Quinn thinks you're cute and wants to go out with you. Will ya?

Mark: No.

Zoey: Come on! She's pretty and she's right over there.

Mark: (Looks at Quinn) No.

Quinn: What did he say? Please, say he said, "Yes". I would be the happiest person in the world if he said, "Yes", tell me he said, "Yes", please.

Zoey: Ummm.. he said, "YES".

Dana: What's your problem?

Zoey: Remember when I said "Mark said yes". He said, "NO".

Nicole: NO!!!

Zoey: YES.

Nicole: YES.

Nicole: Yes, wait I'm confused.

Dana: Did he say "Yes" or "No"?

Zoey: He said, "No".

Dana: No, then why did you tell her he said, "Yes".

Zoey: Because I panicked.

Dana: You'd better go tell her the truth before she finds out.

Zoey: I can't. It'll break her heart. Her weird little heart.

Courtney: Mark! You're on a date with HER?

Mark: No! I'm... on a date with Chase!

Chase: Um, it's true. We had a picnic.

Zoey: Sparkling juices and everything, I saw it all.

Courtney: Yeah, nice try. I can't believe you did this to me, Mark! We are done! Oh-ver!

Mark: Courtney.

Quinn: Mark, I can't believe you dated me when you already have a girlfriend!

Mark: (confused) Who dated you?

Quinn: You may have movie star good looks, but I don't care about you any more! Good day, Mark!

Mark: But...

Quinn: I said "Good day"!

Spring Fling

Chase: No more "Grass"! I can't take it!!

TV: Coming up next... "Weeds".

Announcer: And now back to "Grass: Nature's Carpet!"

Nicole: Okay, why are we watching this?

Dustin: I hate this experiment!

Quinn: I heard that!

Dustin: GOOD!

Nicole: Are you sure people are going to pay money to smash a watermelon with a bat?

Zoey: Of course, boys love to smash things.

Michael: It's true!

Chase: We do enjoy the smashing!

Dana: Tell that to Mr. Bermin when he sees what we've done to his baby.

Nicole: What do you think he'll say?

Zoey: He'll probably start with, "Give me my four-thousand dollars back!"

Dustin: Is it true?

Zoey: What?

Dustin: That you're going to get Drake Bell to perform at Spring Fling?

Dana: Sorry, but Drake's not coming.

Dustin: How come?

Nicole: His manager wants 5000 bucks.

Dustin: So get it.

Dana: (sarcastically) Sure, we can just get it from the 5000 dollar store.

Chase: (to Drake) Hey, you're Drake Bell!

Drake: Yes, I am.

Chase: Hey, it's him!

Michael: You're you!

Drake: I'm me.

Manager: (to Drake) You are.

Backpack

Michael: (Talking in code) Zoey, the rabbit's in the hole!

Zoey: Huh? What rabbit?

Michael: [sighs] Stacey's at the store and the deal's goin' down! [mumbling to himself] And ya try to be cool.

Chase: Massage my shoulders.

Michael: Are you out of your mind?

Chase: Come on, I hurt! Friends don't let other friends hurt.

Michael: Well, these headphones are hurting my ears! What? You wanna massage my ear hole?

Chase: (Giving Michael a quiz from a Teen Girl magazine) Your best friend borrows your lipgloss...without asking!

Michael: (gasp)

Chase: What do you do? A, find a new best friend. B, push her down a flight of stairs, or C...

Zoey: What? It doesn't say that!

Chase: Well, yeah, but I think it should definitely be an option!

Michael: I pick B, down the stairs she goes!

Chase:(about new jukebox) Yep, that's definitely juketastic! (Zoey gives Chase weird look. A few seconds later)

Michael: (about new jukebox) Man, that's juketastic!

Disc Golf

Coach Phelps: All right. Mr. Matthews, you just bought yourself another lap.

Chase: Can I return it?

Nicole: Just give me a minute.

Coach Phelps: What's she doing?

Zoey: Making oatmeal.

Nicole: (pukes)

School Dance

Mr. Bender: [after hearing Zoey's computer IM alarm ring] Read the message.

Zoey: [reading] "Hey, Zo, do you think Mr. Bender knows his zipper's down?"

Nicole: [answering a personality quiz] "What is your favorite activity?" Meeting cute guys. Next question: "What is your number-one pet peeve?" Not meeting cute guys.

Little Beach Party

Dana: You got a signal?

Michael: No, only sand in my butt!

Zoey: (to Logan) Are you sure you gave the taxi driver the right directions?

Logan: Mystic Beach is exactly 57 miles north of PCA.

Dustin: No, Mystic Beach is south of PCA!

Zoey: Dustin, are you sure?

Dustin: Who are you going to trust: me or pretty boy?

Dustin: Will you tell me where babies come from?

Zoey: Absolutely not.