You Can't Do That on Television

You Can't Do That on Television (1979–1990) is a sketch-comedy television program for pre-teens produced at CJOH-TV in Ottawa, and aired in the United States on Nickelodeon, in Canada on CTV and YTV, and in other countries around the world.

Recurring Quotes

Kid: [After outsmarting one of the adult characters] Sometimes it's so easy, I'm ashamed of myself. [On occasion, the adult characters would also use this phrase after outsmarting the children.]
Kids at Barth's: What/Who do you think's in the burgers?

Barth: D'oh, I heard that!

Mr. Schidtler: Where does the school board find them and why do they keep sending them to me?!!!
El Capitano: That's one sneeeeeky keed!
El Capitano: [During the firing squad sketches] Ready, aim...

Kid: Wait a minute, wait a minute, stop the execution!

El Capitano: What is it this time?!

Kid: [During the dungeon sketches] But you can't do this, this is torture!

Nasti: I know!

One Kid: Either [Insert out-of-the-ordinary occurrence or unusual actions of one particular character here], or this has got to be...

All the Kids: ...just the Introduction to the Opposites!

Season 1 (1979)

Episode One [1.1]

Christine: Listen Kevin, you're not getting me to wear a skirt on TV! No way! I won't do it!

Kevin Schenk: Oh? Why, are you afraid that somebody's gonna mistake you for a girl?

Christine: Yeah. I mean... [pauses] You little rat!! [chases Kevin off the link set angrily]

Mike: How do you spell "totally ignorant"?

Tim: F-O-O-T-B-A-L-L S-C-H-O-L-A-R-S-H-I-P.

Christine: Today our hidden camera is... drum roll please... [drum roll sound effects from Kevin Somers] the snow sculptures at Dow's Lake. So get down there and see yourself on TV. Don't leave everything to us! I mean, it's not really fair! Here we are slaving away all day and not a word of thanks from you, and you sit out there and enjoy yourselves! Well, just let me tell ya, I'm not taking this anymore! I'm going home to Mother! [starts to walk away, but the sound of a spring malfunctioning is heard and Christine freezes in place. Ross comes on to investigate]

Ross: Uh-oh, uh-oh, looks like the sponge sprocket's gone. I'll have to take this to the workshop, I guess. [picks up the frozen Christine and carries her off set] I told 'em they should've hired Lindsay Wagner!

CJOH Shoestring [1.2]

Christine: Some people have asked us, "Why doesn't anyone in the studio laugh at our jokes, like on other comedy shows?" Well, the truth is, they're not really laughing on other comedy shows. What you're hearing is canned laughter, like this. [A few seconds of a canned laugh track plays.] They put that on there to try to make you laugh, in case you don't laugh at their jokes. We, however, do not do this. [Dramatic music begins to play in the background as Christine speaks.] We believe comedy should stand on its own! We have faith in the discernment, intelligence and good taste of you, our viewing audience! -- And also, canned laughter costs a lot; we can't afford it. [The dramatic music abruptly ends. Ironically, despite Christine's badmouthing of canned laughter in this sketch, canned laughter would become part of the spinoff "Whatever Turns You On" a few months later, and of "YCDTOTV" itself by 1982.]

Christine: Cyndi, were you ever in love?

Cyndi: [sighing] Yes, I was once.

Christine: Anyone I know? Tim, maybe?

Cyndi: No, not him. He was a frog.

Christine: Cyndi, that's no way to speak of our French-Canadian cousins.

Cyndi: Not one of them - a real frog! I raised him from a tadpole.

Christine: Is he still alive?

Cyndi: No... I dissected him in a fit of passion.

[While the girls are talking, Marc, a French Canadian, comes up behind them and listens]

Christine: Gross me out! How could you bring yourself to cut up a frog you've known for years?

Cyndi: Aw, come on, frogs aren't human.

Marc: Any more of this, and we will separate!

Episode Three [1.3]

Episode Four [1.4]

Episode Five [1.5]

Mike: Which is more correct to say, "Who are you kidding?" or "Whom are you kidding?"

Tim: Well, most people say, "Who are you kidding?" but it's really more correct to say "Whom are you kidding?"

[Later...]

Tim: Well, Sarah, I was wondering, um...

Sarah: Spit it out.

Tim: Well, you'll only say no.

Sarah: Not necessarily.

Tim: Yes you will. You'll say no.

Sarah: Try me.

Tim: Promise you won't say no.

Sarah: Okay, I may regret this, but I promise I won't say no.

Tim: Sarah, will you go to the dance with me?

Sarah: Uh... whom are you kidding? [giggles]

Episode Six [1.6]

Episode Seven [1.7]

Bradfield: Dad, what's the definition of "ignorance and apathy"?

Senator Prevert: I don't know, and I don't give a sh-... care.

Episode Eight [1.8]

Executive Washrooms [1.9]

[Mr. Schidtler is returning test papers]

Sarah: Hey Moose, I think he likes me!

Christine: What makes you say that?

Sarah: Well, he put all these kisses on my paper!

[Sarah shows Christine her test paper covered with red "X"'s]

Christine: She's so naive.

Jim: Sir, is is true that when we're in school, the teachers take the place of our parents?

Mr. Schidtler: That's right. You see, Stechyson, when you are in school, I am in loco parentis, exactly like your father.

Jim: GOOD! [stands up and begins yelling] I'M GOIN' OUT! AND DON'T ASK ME WHERE I'M GOIN', DON'T ASK ME WHAT TIME I'LL BE BACK, AND WHEN I DO GET BACK, HAVE SUPPER READY FOR ME ON THE TABLE! IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?!!! [storms out of the classroom]

Mr. Schidtler: [puzzled] ...Was it something I said?

Mr. Dime: [emerging from the Executive Washroom, having used it after Seth Pool unwittingly walked off with all the toilet paper] Ugh, 15 $20 bills! I'll never eat bran muffins again... ohhhh...

Mr. Dime: [on the phone] Well then, double padlock it this time! I don't want anyone using that executive washroom except the executives! ... What? ... I don't CARE how much it's going to cost! Last time someone else got in there and they took, they took all the toilet tissue! It cost me over $300! ... Never MIND how! None of your business! Just get that place locked up!

Christine: [seeing the money the "network people" left on the link set] These network people treat money as if it were toilet paper!

Episode Ten [1.10]

Episode Eleven [1.11]

Episode Twelve [1.12]

Episode Thirteen [1.13]

Season 2 (1981)

Work [2.1]

Transportation [2.2]

Strike Now [2.3]

a blooper from the original live and local version of this episode, as aired in 1981 on CJOH:

Kevin Kubusheskie: So, come on down to Camp Fortune, because... (gets blank look on his face, and turns to Moose) ...because???

Christine: (still walking around the link set carrying her "On Strike" sign) Listen, I'm not gonna tell ya they have to answer the question, all right?

Kevin K.: Oh yeah, and answer a simple question. ... What is it, Rod?

Rodney: Well, the question is, "What is the name of our floor director"?

Christine: HEY! Hey, I know that one! Yeah, I know, I know!

Ross: No, wait a minute, you can't play, because you're on strike! Heh heh!

Christine: Aw...

Kevin Schenk: Anyway, if you see our Mystery Skiier, all you have to do is come down to Camp Fortune, and find out what Ross's name is. (realizes what he has just said) Ross? ... Aww....

Christine: (smacks Kevin in the head with her sign) Youuuuuuu LUNKHEAD! Ugh! ... Well, what about the last thing?

Kevin K.: (blankly) What last thing?

Christine: The Roving Camera! JEEZ!

Kevin K.: Oh yeah, and that's where our Roving Camera will be, so come on down and tell a joke or give us your views on dating... (grins mischeviously) girls.

Christine: Oh, and boys! Don't forget boys!

Kevin S.: Shut up, Moose, you're on strike!

Dating [2.4]

Fitness [2.5]

Safety First [2.6]

Christine: On water safety - the safest thing to do on this show is not to mention water.

[Christine is drenched and shrieks]

Christine: See what I mean?

[More water is poured on Christine, and she shrieks again]

Sexual Equality [2.7]

Rodney: In my school, they have washrooms for boys, washrooms for girls, and washrooms for teachers. Now, what I want to know is, are teachers a different sex from everyone else?

Brodie: They think with all these jokes about washrooms, I'm going to be dumb enough to mention water? Well, I'm NOT! ... Oh, no... I just did!

[Christine throws a bucket of water on Brodie]

Brodie: That's not fair!

Christine: Oh, yes it is. You guys wanted to do the links just like me! Well, that's what happens to me every week - sometimes TWICE.

[Christine throws another bucket of water on Brodie]

Brodie: Now that was truly not fair!

Brodie: [Sees Christine standing above him on a ladder, holding a bucket of slime] What are you doing up there, Moose?

Christine: Well, I'm just standing here with this bucket full of coagulating green slime, waiting for you to say the magic words so I can dump it all over you.

Brodie: What magic words?

Christine: The magic words, "I don't know"! ... Oops, I didn't say that, did I? Oh no...

[Christine is slimed, and Brodie laughs hysterically]

Christine: That's not fair! I didn't - I - I - I... [looking upward] Where did that come from???

Personal Hygiene [2.8]

Smoking [2.9]

Mr. Schidtler: So there it is, kids. The proof is evident, it's beyond question that a certain substance in tobacco smoke causes mice to develop cancer. Now what does this suggest?

Kevin: Oh! Sir!

Mr. Schidtler: Schenk?

Kevin: We should encourage mice to smoke, sir.

Jami: Hey Moose, we Indians gave the white man tobacco and taught him how to smoke.

Christine: Well I'm sure your ancestors meant well, Jami, but from what we know now about smoking, I don't think it was such a good idea.

Jami: Meant well? You gotta be kidding! We wanted all the white men to die of lung cancer.

Christine: Thanks.

Jami: No sweat. [grabs Christine around the neck and starts to strangle her]

Christine: When my dad tried to give up smoking, he offered me a dollar every time I caught him with a cigarette. I've never been so rich in my life.

Mr. Schidtler: Jami! Are you smoking?

Jami: No sir, I'm Burning.

Mr. Schidtler: Oh! Oh! Oh! [grabs pail of water and dumps it over Jami's head; throws the rest of it on Kevin, who is sitting behind Jami]

Jami: I'm JAMI Burning! That's my name, stupid!

[At Barth's Burgery.]

Jami: I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse.

Kevin: So you want to eat horse eh, Burna? You've come to the right place.

Barth:[Appearing behind the kitchen] Duuuuhhhh, I heard that.

Crime & Vandalism [2.10]

Drugs [2.11]

Christine: As you may have guessed this week's show is about drugs. Except we can't really make it about drugs or we'd get taken off the air. 'You can't do that on television.' Anyway. The idea that anyone would want to push a custard pie in their own face is just about as stupid as the idea that anyone would want to harm their bodies with dangereous and additive drugs, I mean custard pies. Sure they're kinda fun, but I don't need them. I mean I'm not addicted to them or anything! Excuse me.

[Walks off stage to a table of custard pies]

Christine: You don't have to follow me with that camera. I finished the introduction. Can't a girl get any pies in privacy....any privacy for pies? I don't need them...

[In walk 3 other cast members. Their faces are covered with custard pie remnants]

Kevin: Listen man, you gotta splat pies sometime.

Christine: No, Kevin, I don't gotta do nothing.

Mike: It's good for you man, gives you a nice sticky feeling on your face.

Angie: It's not bad for you Christine. You won't get addicted or anything.

[Kevin splats a pie in his face]

Christine: I just don't understand the point. You spend all your money on pies. You mess yourself up. Your clothes...your school work suffers... You get so sticky you can't even sleep at night.

Kevin: Listen sister, don't knock it til you try it.

Christine: Well I'm not going to try it. I think you guys are all deplorable.

[Christine walks off leaving the remaing 3 with the pies on the table]

Mike: Waste not. Want not.

Kevin: Right on.

[The rest remain and continue to splat pies in their faces repeatedly]

Angie: [With pie cream remnants smeared all over her face] What I want to know is, how can my mother tell I'm a custard pie user?

[Kevin Schenk walks up to Angie and pulls her string.]

Angie: Hello, I'm Angie the Talking Doll.

Kevin: Angie, how do I stop smoking?

Angie: Where there's smoke, there's fire.

[Angie dumps a bucket of water over Kevin's head.]

Christine: Mike, pretty soon the splat you get from pies just won't be enough, and then you'll move on to bigger things - like green slime!

Mike: Don't be stupid, Christine. I won't go for that stuff. Besides, it's dangerous.

Christine: Don't lie to me, Mike! You're already splooshing slime, aren't you?

Mike: No, of course not! ... How did you know?

Christine: (examining Mike's T-shirt) Oh, I can tell the signs. Green stains don't wash out as easy as pie. HA! Get it? As "easy as pie"! ... Oh, sorry - serious show. Go ahead, be ashamed.

Mike: Oh Christine, I'm so ashamed. I gotta sploosh now. You don't have to watch if you don't want to.

Christine: Mike, DON'T!

Mike: I gotta! I gotta! Right now!

Christine: No! Mike! Ohh!

(Mike dumps a bucket of green slime over his head.)

Mike: (shivering) Oh, I can feel it running all over me... slithering down the back of my neck and slopping through my shirt... ohhhhhh...

Christine: You're disgusting!

Mike: Oh Christine, help me, please... (reaches out to hug Christine)

Christine: (recoiling) NO! UGH!!!!!!!

[Another "Angie the Talking Doll" sketch.]

Angie: Hello, I'm Angie the Talking Doll.

Kevin: Angie, do you splat pies?

Angie: I may be stuffed with sawdust, kid, but I'm not that stupid!

[Opposite sketch]

Mr. Shidtler: Michael Lyon, did I see you cheating just now?

Mike: No, sir.

Mr. Shidtler: Why not? You know the answers?

Mike: No, sir.

Mr. Shidtler: Oh. Well, wanna look at mine?

[after begin watered]

Christine: It's not fair! I don't even splat pies! I'm a pure, innocent, and honest girl.

[The crew starts laughing... enough said.]

Nutrition[2.12]

Christine: (sipping from a glass of milk) Ahh - milk. Just chock full of vitamins and minerals, and protein, which is very good for your ha- (remembering that when she mentioned earlier that eating eggs is good for your hair, an egg was dropped on her, she thinks of something else) ... uh, your skin! Good for your skin. (she is drenched with a shower of milk from above) ... Whoever writes these clever little ditties should be advised that writing may be hazardous to your health. (takes out a gun and points it at the camera)

Peer Pressure [2.13]

Season 3 (1982)

Cosmetics [3.1]

Announcer: "The Incredible Hulk Runs Out Of Deodorant" will not be seen in order that we may bring you the following hastily made-up program.

Elizabeth was sent to detention for putting on makeup in class, and has just been busted by the principal for putting on more makeup in detention.

Principal: Elizabeth, you know it's against the rules to wear makeup during school hours!

Elizabeth: But sir, it's after school hours now, isn't it?

Principal: It's still against the rules to wear makeup in school.

Elizabeth: Oh, dear. Well, I don't want to break any more rules. I guess I'd better leave right away.

Principal: I guess you'd better. And let this be a lesson to you, never to wear makeup in school again.

Elizabeth: All right, I won't. [She leaves]

Principal: [Suddenly realizing he's been tricked] Wait a minute! Just once, why can't I win just once?!

Lisa: Christine, do you ever use face cream?

Christine: Yeah, once in a while I'll put some on, just to keep my skin from drying out.

Lisa: Well, I have found a brand new one that works wonders and is very cheap!

Christine: Oh, great! Let me have some.

Lisa: Yes, it's called, "Face Cream Pie."

Christine: "Face Cream Pie"...

[Lisa shoves a pie into Christine's face]

Christine: Someday, Lisa Ruddy, pow - right in the kisser.

Lisa: (interrupting Christine's talk about beauty parlors) Don't I know it, Christine. Like, my mom goes to the beauty parlor twice a week and has this mud cake, it looks really funny, she won't--

Christine: Lisa, excuse me for interrupting, but why would she do that?

Lisa: I don't know!

[instead of slime, Lisa gets hit with mud, while Christine tries to hold in her laughter.]

Lisa: You knew about this, didn't you, Moosie?

Christine: Well, remember that typo in the script that said "Lisa Muddy" instead of "Lisa Ruddy"?

Lisa: Yes.

Christine: That was no typo!

Lisa: You, know, Moosie, this means war.

Addictions [3.2]

Christine: My mother is always complaining about the mess in my room. I mean, she even has the nerve to say that I'm addicted to making a mess. I have to tell her, "No, Mom, I'm actually addicted to tidiness, but I'm doing a very good job of overcoming that addiction."

Mr. Schidtler: Kevin, I must say I'm impressed with the way that you've changed for the better in your attitude toward your schoolwork lately. All the time you're bent over stacks of paper, scribbling away with your pencil, and I must say I am pleased.

Kevin: Excuse me, sir?

Mr. Schidtler: Hmm? Yes, yes, Kevin?

Kevin: Could you tell me a nine-letter word that starts with "D" that means "to be kept against one's will"?

Mr. Schidtler: Well... wait a minute! You mean to tell me you've been doing crossword puzzles all this time?!!

Kevin: Yes, sir. I'm sort of addicted to them, sir.

Mr. Schidtler: I see. Oh - wait a minute. Maybe I can help you with that nine-letter word - yes, and maybe I can even let you experience it. How about [writing on the blackboard] "D-E-T-I-N-S-H-O-N" - "detention"! And you can start by writing it 5,000 times!

Kevin: That way or the right way, sir?

Announcer: [after the closing credits roll, over a shot of Lisa, Christine and Kevin being gobbled up by a Pac-Man] You Can't Do That On Television has been an Eat 'Em Up Production. [The Pac-Man belches]

Christine: [holding up a video game cartridge] Now this is the ultimate video cartridge. It lets you play with your favorite TV program and do what you've always wanted to do. Like, you could shoot down all those stupid little Smurfs, or you could make The Dukes of Hazzard get into a 20-car collision, or you could sink The Love Boat; think of it - you could commit arson...

[She is cut off by a musical fanfare and yellow screen reading "THE END."]

Christine: [voiceover, over "THE END" screen] Okay, which one of you guys out there has one of these cartridges? Aw, c'mon, you guys, I didn't think they were on the market yet! Okay, a joke's a joke, but, let's get back to the show now. Okay, it was funny at first, but... [screen fades out]

Popularity [3.3]

Announcer: The most popular children's show on television will not be seen at this time in order that we might bring you another episode of You Can't Do That On Television.

[Kevin is being strapped to an electric chair.]

Kevin: When I agreed to do the Kevin Kubusheskie celebrity roast, this isn't what I had in mind!

[The kids are wearing numbered jerseys because the show is holding an audience survey to determine the most popular cast member.]

Kevin: I don't why we have to wear these stupid numbers anyway. I mean, what difference does it make who's the most popular kid on the show?

Christine: What difference does it make? It makes a lot of difference! For instance, the most popular kid on the show can demand a lot from the producers, like she can ask for her own make-up lady, she can ask for her own dressing room... (realizes something) Think of it, she can ask for her own chauffeur-driven limousine. But most important of all, she can ask for more money and probably get it, and everybody else will get less.

Kevin: Really?

Christine: Yeah, the producers take this audience survey stuff very seriously.

Kevin: Oh. [Pushes Christine off-camera] I've always said that the audience was the most important part of our show. I mean, without the audience, there wouldn't be a show, now would there? So remember, I've always said that you're the most intelligent, good-looking, and wonderful audience--

Christine: He's ever lied to. [Kevin attacks Christine.]

[Opposite sketch]

Kevin: Great news, Dad! I've just been voted the least popular kid in our school!

Mr. Prevert: Oh, good, son! Hey, listen, just keep up the good work and keep studying the maths because you'll have no trouble getting a job with the department of Internal Revenue!

Kevin: Alright! (leaves, reciting math equations to himself)

Mr. Prevert: Sounds right to me.

[Elizabeth is on the phone.]

Elizabeth: Okay then, Ed, you can pick me up by eight? Okay, bye-bye. [She hangs up.]

Mrs. Prevert: Wait a minute, did I hear that right?

Elizabeth: What?

Mrs. Prevert: You just told Ed to pick you up at eight.

Elizabeth: Yeah, so?

Mrs. Prevert: Well, half an hour ago, you told him to pick you up at six.

Elizabeth: Oh, that was a different Ed.

Mrs. Prevert: You mean to say that you're going out with two boys named Ed?

Elizabeth: Haven't you heard? "Two Eds are better than one"?

Lisa: Dad, who's the most popular person among all your friends?

Mr. Prevert: Well, I would say...

Mrs. Prevert: Whoever's buying the next round of drinks.

Christine: That last skit is very important. It helps to prove how one can not always believe how surveys say. For all we know, the people at home filling out the ballots may simply be a bunch of uneducated buffoons.

[She realizes what she just said.]

Christine: OH, NO, NO! I didn't mean to say that! Oh, who wrote the cue cards?!

[Ross, holding a card, points to himself and chuckles. Cut to The Preverts watching the show.]

Mr. Prevert: That girl just called me an uneducated buffoon. I am not voting for her.

Mrs. Prevert: I always thought she was remarkably perceptive.

Fads & Fashions [3.4]

Announcer: "Fred Sanford, The World's Best Dressed Man" will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you the following tasteless program.

[Christine enters the studio]

Kevin: Where do you think you're going?

Christine: To do the introduction to the show.

Lisa: You can't do that on television!

Christine: Yeah, that's the show, alright.

[Doug enters the living room wearing a kilt]

Mr. Prevert: Ha! When I was your age, I wouldn't have been caught dead wearing a skirt!

Doug: It's not a skirt, it's a kilt. And even when you were a boy, probably all you had to wear was dinosaur skins.

Mr. Prevert: As a matter of fact, they were saber-toothed tiger skins. Dinosaur skins went out with the caveman.

Mr. Prevert: [wearing a giant beanie] When I was your age, Dougie, we all had these hats. We called them beanies.

Doug: Is that why so many men your age are bald now, Dad? Did the propeller blow all their hair off?

Mr. Prevert: Whaddaya mean, "bald"? GO TO BED!

[Opposite Sketch. In this sketch, Christine, Lisa and Doug lean in progressively closer toward Kevin, who is wearing a leather jacket, and finally are leaning in so close that he falls out of his desk.]

Christine: Look whose Mommy didn't make him wear a sailor suit to school!

Lisa: ...Who dresses like a punk!

Doug: ...Who isn't Mommy's little darling!

Christine: ...Who's not a big sissy!

Lisa: Christine, have you ever tried the water diet?

Christine: No, what's that-- Oh, you drink all the water you want...

Lisa: No, you don't exactly drink it.

Christine: (realizing something) Oh no...

[Christine gets drenched.]

Lisa: Christine, the wet look is in. Oh, you got it this time.

Ross: Moose, I am getting out of here! This studio is haunted! I just seen three ghosts!

Christine: Ross, don't be silly. There's no ghosts in here.

Ross: Oh no? What do you call them?

[Doug, Kevin, and Lisa enter in ghost sheets.]

Christine: That's just Kevin, Lisa, and Dougie in some latest Paris fashion.

Lisa: [in a ghostly voice] Noooooooo.

Christine: What do you mean, "Noooooooo"? It is you, isn't it, Lisa?

Lisa: Well, yeah, it is, but it's not the latest fashion from Paris, it's the latest from New York. They call it the Amityville Horror look.

Christine: Isn't there any fashion too ridiculous for you guy to wear?

Doug, Kevin, Lisa: I don't know.

[All three get slimed]

Christine: Gotcha.

Lisa: When I get cleaned up, McGlade, I'm gonna come back and haunt you!

[The dungeon. Kevin is in a diving suit.]

Kevin: I don't see why you're going through all this trouble just to get me dressed up in the latest fashion.

No one ever sees me when I'm chained up down here.

Nasti: Who said anything about fashion? No, no, this is for your own good. you see, they're gonna drain the moat right into this dungeon--

[The sound of water running can be heard as Nasti quickly puts a mask on Kevin]

Nasti: Have a nice swim! See ya round! [runs off]

Vacations [3.5]

Rip-Offs [3.6]

Christine: Hi, and welcome to another episode of "You Can't Do That On Television". This shows is packed full of brand-new, super-duper, funny and zany comedy, it's all new and even better than before. (Suddenly, the credits start rolling.) Wait a second. Stop. Stop. Hold it! Stop. (The credits stop rolling and fade out.)

Ross: Well, what is it now?

Christine: What do you mean, "what is it now"? Why were the closing credits rolling? I hadn't even finished my introduction.

Ross: It's my newest idea for saving money, a little tip I picked up from the advertisers. What you do is, you call the show all-new and better than ever, and then you present the viewers with less content.

Christine: Yeah, sounds good so far, but how does that save money?

Ross: That's the beauty of it. We only do a two minute show, then we only have to pay you kids for two minutes and I get the rest!

Christine: Yeah. Forget it, Ross.

Ross: Well, it was worth a try.

Christine: The things some people will do to make a buck.

Christine: I went on that Super Loop ride at the amusement park the other day, you know, the one where it goes up and then it goes around and around and then it comes back down, except this time it stopped right at the top.

Lisa: Oh, really? Oh, how awful! You mean, you were hanging there upside down? Oh, for how long?

Christine: Until all the money that had fallen out of my pockets got swept up and taken away.

Bullying [3.7]

Culture Junk [3.8]

[An Opposite Sketch. Kevin comes in wearing a trenchcoat, hat and sunglasses, carrying a violin case]

Mr. Prevert: Hey Kevin! Come here. Where do you think you're going with that? [points to the violin case]

Kevin: I'm gonna go shoot up the neighborhood, Dad.

[Kevin opens the violin case to reveal a machine gun]

Mr Prevert: I thought you were going to some boring violin lesson or something like that. Go on. Have fun!

Christine: Our writers claim that they are true creative artists. I mean, when they start a script, they say they have no idea how it's going to end. But I think that after all these shows we can probably tell them. Everybody altogether...

Christine and the Crew: Lousy.

[Christine gets hit with water]

Christine: Now wait one second! Just wait one second! I didn't even say "water"!

[Ross is holding a cue card, which a crew member is writing the word "WATER" on and underlining.]

Ross: Oh, no. No, that's written on this cue card, and that's all it takes!

Christine: Boy, those guys sure are quick to get their revenge.

[Lance is watching television as Martin enters]

Martin: Uh, Dad?

Lance: What?

Martin: Can you write a note to my teacher explaining that our TV set is busted?

Lance: Well, our TV isn't busted. Now shut up, Martin, I'm trying to watch the fight.

Martin: Dad, if our TV set isn't busted, I have to write a homework assignment on the opera that just started on PBS.

Lance: (quickly grabbing a pad and pencil) What's your teacher's name?

[Cut to the classroom, where Martin hands the note to Mr. Schidtler.]

Martin: Here you go, sir.

Mr. Schidtler: Well, this is amazing. Must be an epidemic. All you kids come from homes where the TV set broke down last night.

Television [3.9]

[An Opposite Sketch. Kevin and Lisa are watching TV in the bedroom, and there are some near-erotic sounds coming from the TV, in Kevin and Lisa's voices: "Oh, Kevin!" "Oh, Lisa!" Suddenly there's a knock at the door]

Lisa: Uh oh...

Mrs. Prevert: Lisa, have you got that television set on in there?!

Lisa: Uh, no Mom!

Mrs. Prevert: Well then, what's going on in there? I heard voices.

Lisa: I've got a boy in here with me!

Mrs. Prevert: Well, that's okay then. Just don't let me catch you with that television set on.

Lisa: Right, Mom! [To Kevin] We've got her mad now; I guess we'd better turn it off!

Kevin: Just as it was getting interesting!

Lisa: What do we do now?

Kevin: Got any cards?

Christine: Listen, I know you're kind of new to this, so if you have any questions, just ask me.

Vanessa: Well, there is one thing I'd like to ask you.

Christine: Sure.

Vanessa: How do they make that slime they're always dumping on you?

Christine: Oh. Well, first they take some wa-- some liquid, and then they add some flour, some Jell-O powder, sometimes some soap. Then they dump it all over me.

Vanessa: (looking up) Where do they dump it from?

Christine: Actually, Vanessa, I've always wondered that too. I just don't know.

(Christine is slimed.)

Vanessa: Very interesting. Is it always green?

Christine: Well, yeah, usually it is, but I guess it could be red,

(Christine is red slimed.)

Christine: or blue,

(Christine is blue slimed.)

Christine: or yellow.

(Christine is yellow slimed.)

Christine: Yeah. All right, you think you're so smart, let's see stripes!

(Christine is striped slimed - green, red, blue and yellow all at once.)

Vanessa: (also covered in slime.) Gee, it must be tough being a TV star. By the way, how do you get this stuff out?

Christine: Well it usually washes off with water.

(Christine and Vanessa are drenched.)

Christine: Usually.

Mr. Schidtler: All right class, for homework tonight, I want you to watch Magnum P.I., Dallas, Hill Street Blues, and Fame. All right, class dismissed.

Kevin: Wow, what a lousy homework assignment.

Lisa: I think it's a terrific homework assignment.

Kevin: But you know I never do my homework. Now I'll have to miss my favorite TV programs.

Announcer: You Can't Do That On Television can now be seen in Prime Slime Viewing Hours.

Christine: Don't you mean, "Prime Time" Viewing Hours?

[Christine is slimed]

Announcer: [Laughing] Nope, I mean, "Prime Slime" Viewing Hours!

Christine: Figures. What else? ... Thanks!

Sports [3.10]

Announcer: "Howard Cosell Loses His Voice" will not be seen at this time because no one would be that lucky.

Heroes [3.11]

[Two Boy Scouts are sitting on a house's front porch with a case of bottled beer]

Boy Scouts: [Singing with drunk voices] Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer...

Scoutmaster: [Blows whistle] Empty bottles! You were supposed to collect empty bottles!

Boy Scout: [in a drunk voice] We've been emptying them.... [Belch]

[opposite skit]

Mr. Schidtler: Class, CLASS!! Can you please pay attention? Does anybody here have any idea why inte--- "Inestine" was regarded as a great scientist? Kevin?

Kevin: Oh, uh, I don't know. [braces for the green slime, but nothing happens]

Mr. Schidtler: Christine?

Christine: I don't know. [she also braces for the slime, which again fails to fall]

Mr. Schidtler: Lisa?

Lisa: [excitedly] Oh! Yes sir, I know!

[Lisa is slimed]

Lisa: Wait a second! Wait, wait wait. That's only supposed to happen when people say "I don't know."

Christine: Ah, but Lisa, you forget. This is an opposite skit.

The-Not-So-Fair Show (Justice/Injustice) [3.12]

Christine: [Takes a fingerful of icing from the chocolate cake before her on the table, then thinks better of it] Oh... no, I can't do it. It's a good thing I stopped myself in time. A little chocolate cake binge would have meant another five pounds. Oh, I wish I was thin!

[A puff of smoke, and the Unfairy Godmother appears]

Unfairy Godmother: Sorry, but I had trouble hearing that last part.

Christine: I said I wish I was thinner.

Unfairy Godmother: Thinner! And so you shall be!

[Another puff of smoke, and Christine is changed into a can of Paint Thinner]

Unfairy Godmother: The Unfairy Godmother strikes again! ... Wait a minute, I just thought of something; I was going to paint my gazebo this weekend. [Picks up the can of paint thinner and walks off]

Growing Up [3.13]

Christine: You know, when you're doing a TV show and you're trying to remember your lines like I am right now, you tend to develop a lot of really strange fears. Sometimes you'll forget some of the teapots. ... No, no, what I meant to say is sometimes you'll forget some of the whips. ... Okay, the words. Sometimes you'll forget the words, and you'll leave out an important cabbage. ... Forget it, let's just go on to the next cream pie.

Season 4 (1983)

Pets [4.1]

[Throughout the show, Lisa has told jokes referring you Christine as a dog.]

Christine: Hey, Lisa.

Lisa: Yeah, Moosie?

Christine: Lisa, do you know what I do to little costarlets who keep calling me a dog?

Lisa: (laughing nervously) Oh, I don't know! (she gets slimed)

Christine: I, uh, get my revenge.

Rules and Regulations [4.2]

[Brodie is shivering right as he's about to be executed]

El Capitan: Ready, aim-- Oh, come on! Stop your shivering and get shot like a man.

Brodie: I'm cold.

El Capitan: Oh, alright. I'll give you my coat you wimp! (places his coat on Brodie) Come on, put your hand in there. Get the other hand in there. Come on. Alright. Ready, aim... (Brodie shivers) What's the matter?

Brodie: I'm still cold.

El Capitan: Alright, I tell you what, you go over there and get warm by the fire. (El Capitan is shot) That is one sneaky kid! (collapses)

Christine: Well, that just about wraps it up for another show and---

The Cast and Crew: Oh, thank goodness!

Doctor: There you are, Lisa, make an appointment with my nurse.

[Lisa sets a small pill bottle with a childproof cap on his desk]

Doctor: What is this?

Lisa: Your fee. I put it in the same bottle you put my pills in. Bye! [leaves]

Doctor: [still trying to get bottle open] Why you...

[Blip's Arkaid. Brodie is pounding angrily on a machine]

Blip: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Don't damage the machine!

Brodie: But Blip, I just put a quarter in and it doesn't work!

Blip: Put in another quarter.

[Brodie does.]

Brodie: [kicking machine] It STILL doesn't work!

Blip: Don't kick the machine! I know it doesn't work. There's a new city bylaw that says you kids can't play video games anymore.

Brodie: But you took my fifty cents.

Blip: The bylaw doesn't say anything about taking kids' money!

Brodie: So you took my money and you did nothing in return?

Blip: What's new about that? The government does it all the time. Ask your dad. [shuffles off, laughing]

Manners or Bad Habits [4.3]

Announcer: "Laverne & Shirley Go To Finishing School" will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you the following show, which is getting to be a bad habit.

Kevin: [leaving Blip's Arkaid] Oh, uh, Blip, thanks for taking me.

Blip: Don't you mean "Thanks for having me"?

Kevin: No, I mean thanks for taking me for every cent I've got.

Blip: Oh, no trouble. Any time you've got a pocket full of loose change, drop in.

Christine: [Reading aloud from the show's producers' book of etiquette, on table manners] "It is generally considered impolite to wolf your cookies while reciting your multiplication tables."

[The classroom. Lisa is jabbering away to Christine, who is sitting in the desk behind her, and doesn't hear Mr. Schidtler call her name several times.]

Mr. Schidtler: LISA!!!!!

Lisa: What?!

Mr. Schidtler: Lisa, please, do not talk with your mouth open.

Lisa: Sir, don't you mean "Do not talk with your mouth full"?

Mr. Schidtler: No. I mean, "Don't talk with your mouth open."

Lisa: But how else am I supposed to talk?!

Mr. Schidtler: Exactly.

[The rest of the classroom erupts in applause]

[Lisa is interrupting Mrs. Prevert's story at the dinner table.]

Mrs. Prevert: Lisa, how many times do I have to tell you, dear? It is impolite to interrupt. You must wait your turn.

Lisa: But when does my turn come?

Mr. Prevert: Here. [He takes a card from a stand on the table.] Take a number.

Lisa: 3,796?!

Mr. Prevert: Yep.

Lisa: What's your number?

Mr. Prevert: [holding up his card] 2.

[Lisa throws away her card in frustration.]

Mrs. Prevert: So, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted...

[At Barth's]

Kevin: You know, Barthy runs a pretty clean place here.

Alasdair: Clean? You call this place clean? Why, even the rats wouldn't be caught dead here.

Christine: Yeah, and if they did, they'd end up in the burger mix, anyway.

Alasdair: Christine, you know that producers' books about ettiquette and manners? Well, what does it say about that green slime they're always dumping on us?

Christine: Ah, you almost caught me. You almost got me, but I'll look it up in the book.

[She looks through the pages.]

Christine: G, okay. Garbage, gobbledygook, gag-- green slime. Okay. [reads] "I don't know."

[Slime falls on Christine. She slams the book closed.]

Christine: You know, they're getting sneaky about this green slime stuff.

Medicine [4.4]

Mrs. Prevert: How many times do I have to tell you...

Lisa: Aw, Mom...

Mrs. Prevert: Don't "Aw, Mom" me! How many times do I have to tell you not to play Doctor with that Johnny!

Lisa: But Mom, there's nothing wrong in that!

Mrs. Prevert: "Nothing wrong in that"?! I've told you again and again, Johnny is a specialist! It's costing us a fortune! If you're going to play Doctor, I want you to play it with Ralph. He's a general practitioner.

Future World [4.5]

Mike: Did you see my picture in the paper yesterday, sir? I'm carrier of the week.

Mr. Prevert: I never read the newspaper, son.

Mike: That's what everyone says on my route. No one ever reads their papers anymore.

Mr. Prevert: That's right, everyone gets their news from the teletext on TV.

Mike: Then why do you all still get a newspaper?

Mr. Prevert: Cause we haven't found any way to wrap up kitty litter in a television set.

Mrs. Prevert [to Dougie, her son] So you see Dougie dear, as long as we have more and bigger bombs than the Russians, there will never have a nuclear war. So I want you to go to sleep now and tomorrow I'll tell you another fairy tale.

Media [4.6]

Inequality: Kids vs Adults [4.7]

Nature [4.8]

Announcer: "The Waltons Move To Mount St. Helens" will not be seen at this time due to a natural catastrophe. In its place, we present the following unnatural catastrophe.

(At Blip's Arkaid)

Alasdair: What's that game you're playing? I've never seen it before.

Kevin: Well, it's brand new. It's a game desgined about the great outdoors and animals and trees and stuff like that.

Alasdair: Yeah, it looks okay. What's it called?

Kevin: "Backpack-Man", of course.

Alasdair: Of course.

Alasdair: [ripping a piece of paper into small pieces and dropping them in the forest] Boy, am I ever smart. You see, I've been leaving a trail of all these little pieces of paper behind me so I can find my way back to camp and not get lost!

[Vanessa comes up behind him, having gathered up the pieces of paper]

Vanessa: Boy, Alasdair, are you ever a slob. You're ruining the beauty of this natural habitat. I've been picking up these pieces of paper for miles! By the way, where are we?

Alasdair: [grabs Vanessa by the neck and starts to strangle her] VANESSA!!!!!!

Christine: So, Lisa, tell me. Did you enjoy your trip to the Grand Canyon?

Lisa: I sure did, and Moose, the whole time I was there, I couldn't help thinking of you.

Christine: Really? That's nice. What made you think of me?

Lisa: Well, you know, you and the Grand Canyon are so much alike: Shallow and dirty, and most of all, very, very wide at the bottom.

[She stomps her feet and laughs.]

Lisa: It was funny!

[After the next sketch]

Christine: You know, Lisa, when you were talking about the Grand Canyon before?

Lisa: Yeah.

Christine: Well, you remind me of the Colorado River, that's the river that runs through the Grand Canyon.

Lisa: Oh, you mean I'm lyrical and romantic?

Christine: No, you're wet, twisted, loud, and you run on forever!

[Christine stomps her feet on Lisa's and laughs.]

Mr. Schidtler: Now class, as we are going on a field trip, I think it is most important [points to the word "BASEX" written on the blackboard] that we know the basics of nature. Can anyone tell me what are the four natural elements of the universe? ... Lisa?

Lisa: Earth.

Mr. Schidtler: Right, that's one. Kevin?

Kevin: Air.

Mr. Schidtler: Yeah, that's right, that's two. Christine?

Christine: Uh... fire!

Mr. Schidtler: Right! And now, Vanessa. Can you tell me what the fourth element is?

Vanessa: Yeah, but I'm not going to.

Mr. Schidtler: Well Vanessa, either you tell me what the fourth element is, or you tell me you don't know.

Vanessa: Well, either way I get something dumped on me. [gets a look of resignation on her face] Okay, water.

[Vanessa is drenched.]

Mr. Schidtler: [laughing] Oh, it's moments like these that make teaching worthwhile.

Cooking [4.9]

Corey: I can't stand to eat any more of this junk Barth tries to pass off as food. His cooking's disgusting!

Christine: Oh, it's not that bad. In fact, did you know that Barth is one of the most sought-after chefs in the entire country?

Corey: You've got to be kidding.

Christine: Oh, no - he's wanted in seventeen states for food poisoning.

Barth: D'oh, I heard that!

Christine: You know, I took home economics once.

The Crew: (sarcastically) YOU WOULDN'T KNOW IT!

Christine: Thanks a lot, guys.

Classical Music [4.10]

Christine: [Introducing the show] Hi, and welcome to You Can't Do That on Television, another in a series of sour notes.

Rumors [4.11]

Fame [4.12]

Priorities [4.13]

Ross: CUE!

Christine: I haven't read the script! I don't know what today's show...

[Christine is slimed]

Christine: ...is about.

Ross: [Laughing] It's about Priorities!

Christine: Priorities, huh? Yah. Well, I think that from now on, my highest priority in life is, never again to say "I don't know".

[Christine is slimed again]

Season 5 (1984)

Friends [5.1]

Announcer: [voiceover, over the show's logo] You Can't Do That On Television has been an Unfriendly production.

Christine: [voiceover] You can say that again.

Announcer: [voiceover] You Can't Do That On Television---

Christine: [voiceover] Oh, shut up!

ESP - Magic Astrology [5.2]

Hobbies [5.3]

Announcer: "Hobby Days" will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you the following collection... of garbage.

Christine: You know, the producers on this show, they collect things, too... idiots.

Mr. Schidtler: Show and tell next week, and we will feature collections. Oh, and by the way, you will each have ten minutes.

Wyatt: Alright! I collect insects!

Justin: I collect coins.

Lisa: (surprised) Oh, um, I have to collect my thoughts.

Mr. Schidtler: Your thoughts, Lisa? What are you going to do during the other nine and a half minutes?

[Justin is chained up in the dungeon.]

Justin: Must drive you crazy having to torture kids all day long.

Nasti: And you know, kid, sometimes it does get to me.

Justin: Well, why don't you take up a pastime of some sort?

Nasti: I had one. Oh, I loved it. I used to hunt wolves but I had to give it up.

Justin: Well, why? What happened?

Nasti: It was becoming addictive.

Justin: Addictive? How could hunting wolves be addictive?

Nasti: Well, I was up to two packs a day. [laughs] Hey, either you laugh or you hang here for the rest of your life.

[Justin reluctantly laughs along.]

Lisa: You know, Christine, I was thinking...

Christine: That's odd.

Lisa: Christine, say you're hobby is swimming. Well, what kind of substance would you be moving through?

Christine: Oh no you don't!

[Christine gets hit with water anyway.]

Christine: Oh, come on! That's not fair! I didn't even say that substance at all!

Lisa: Yes, you did, Moosie. You see, we have a new stagehand, and he's French, and "eau" is the French word for wa--

[Lisa gets hit with water.]

Ross: Hey, Christine, we've been talking an awful lot about hobbies. You collect anything?

Christine: Oh, yeah, sure, Ross. I collect stamps. Say, do you want to see my stamp collection?

Ross: See your stamp collection? Sure.

[Christine stamps on Ross' foot.]

Christine: That's the stamp that Lisa gave me when I told her she had a really big mouth. [She stamps on Ross' foot again.] And that's the stamp Vanessa gave me when I told her there would be no extreme close-ups of her on this week's show...

Christine: Since this show is about hobbies, I thought this would be a good time to mention that a lot of kids, whose hobby happens to be cooking, have written in asking for the recipe for green slime. For some strange reason. Well, there's sort of a problem because I don't know the recipe for green slime--

[Christine gets slimed.]

Christine: You know, they're getting sneakier and I'm getting dumber all the time.

History [5.4]

Courage [5.5]

Body Parts [5.6]

[(Lisa and Alasdair run to the front door, holding buckets filled with body parts. The ring the doorbell and Valerie answers it.)]

Valerie:: Yes?

Alasdair: Oh well, hi, we're on a spare body parts run, and we wonder whether you have anything to donate.

Valerie:: Well, yes I do. (Grabs Lance by his shoulders) A complete set. (Lance complains she Valerie shuts the door)

Marketing [5.7]

Foreign Countries [5.8]

Pauline: Hey Angie, did you know I can speak a foreign language?

Angie: Really? I didn't know that, let me hear you.

Pauline: "Hi? How are you? Nice weather we're having."

Angie: "Hi? How are you? Nice weather we're having"? That's not a foreign language!

Pauline: Yes it is, it's English.

Angie: Well, I know it's English.

Pauline: Well, England is a foreign country.

Christine: Oh Eugene, look! They put up the name of the foster child the school adopted.

Eugene: Oh yeah, he's from the Philippines.

Christine: Yeah. Do they ever have weird names there. Look at this... "AI DO KNO".

Eugene: Don't you know anything about the Philippines? The A is silent, The O is pronounced O and the K is silent. His name is "I don't know".

[Eugene is slimed]

Christine: You're new on this show, aren't you Eugene?

Literature [5.9]

Moving [5.10]

Technology [5.11]

Christine: Okay, all of you who want to hear nothing but silence coming from Lisa Ruddy...

Lisa: Oh please, oh please, I know I must have a fan out there somewhere, if you write me I'll say your name, oh please, oh...

Christine: ...Please touch the green square now!

Lisa: Oh please, oh please, oh...

[The audience "votes" for Lisa to lose her voice. Lisa immediately shuts up.]

Christine: Aww, too bad Lisa, I guess all your fans were out to lunch today!

[Lisa holds up a sign that says, "I'LL GET YOU MOOSE!"]

Christine: [Lisa is still unable to talk and can only communicate through writing notes; reading Lisa's note] "My link is the introduction to the commercials, and if we don't have any commercials, we don't get paid." ... Oh, I get it! It's time to test the audience voting device again! Okay now, everybody who wants to see Lisa get her voice back and watch some commercials so I can get paid, go ahead and touch the green square on the bottom of your screen. Touch now!

[The vote fails. Lisa writes Christine another note.]

Christine: [Reading note] "Try something more imaginative." ... Oh, I know! Eugene, come here, sit down.

[Eugene Contreras walks over and sits down]

Christine: Now, all of you who want to see something really horrible happen to Eugene here, and see Lisa get her voice back and watch some commercials so I can get paid, touch the green square on the bottom of your screen.

[The vote fails again.]

Christine: Okay, I've got it this time. Now, all of you who want to see something really horrible happen to Eugene, and see Lisa get her voice back and watch some commercials so I can get paid, and see Vanessa... where's Vanessa?

[Vanessa Lindores walks over and sits down]

Christine: And see Vanessa here get hit with water, just touch the...

[Christine is drenched.]

Christine: ...green square on your screen!

[This time the vote passes. Vanessa is hit with water, and Lisa laughs out loud.]

Christine: Wait a minute! What about the something really horrible that was supposed to happen to Eugene?!

[Eugene gets a pie in the face.]

Lisa: And now it's time for the commercials!

[Vanessa and Eugene are on the school bus and are wearing TV wristwatches.]

Vanessa: These new wristwatch televisions are great. I don't miss the soaps anymore.

Eugene: And I don't miss the football games anymore.

[Snakeeyes is also wearing one and watching it but he is not watching the road.]

Snakeeyes: And I don't miss... [looks ahead] ...THE TREES ANYMORE!! [they crash into a tree.]

Ambition [5.12]

[Mr. Prevert is watching Alasdair and Ben playing Atari Pac-Man]

Mr. Prevert: Oh! Video games, video games! That's all you kids do nowadays. Sitting in front of that stupid screen!

Ben: It's not true Dad. Sometimes we go to the arcade.

Mr. Prevert: You know what your trouble is?

Alasdair: Our trouble is you can't break 100,000.

Mr. Prevert: Oh no. Your trouble is you've got no ambition.

Ben: You have no idea what it's like being a kid today!

Alasdair: Yeah, I mean the pressures are enormous.

Ben: In your day, it was easy. You had a choice of being a doctor, lawyer.

Alasdair: Yeah, now there's space exploration, computer science, hi-tech.

Ben: Recreology, oceanography.

Mr. Prevert: Yeah well, you know I never really did think of it in exactly that way. I guess it is scary.

Alasdair: Oh it sure is.

Mr. Prevert: Well I mean there's so many choices, there's so many new fields opening up.

Alasdair: Yeah.

Mr. Prevert: By the way, are you two guys got any idea in what direction in what you're leaning profession wise?

Ben: I think I'd like to be a doctor.

Alasdair: I think I've decided to be a lawyer.

Ben: What's your ambition in life?

Doug: To grow up big and strong.

Ben: Oh, you mean like me?

Doug: No!

Ben: Better watch it, Doug, or you'll never live to fulfill your ambition!

Lisa: Ben, don't talk to Doug like he was a dog! Christine will get very jealous.

Christine: Oh, Lisa?

Lisa: Yes, Moosie?

Christine: Was it always your ambition to become an actress?

Lisa: Why, yes it was.

Christine: What went wrong?

Clubs [5.13]

Holidays [5.14]

Colleges [5.15]

Halloween [5.16]

Christine: [putting a curse on Ross] Tongue of dog, wing of bat. Toe of frog, tail of rat. Sure as kids like a video arcade, it's gonna rain on your parade.

Alasdair: Did you go out trick-or-treating?

Lisa: Actually, no, I just took my little sister around, but it's funny, I got more treats than she did!

Alasdair: Why, what were you wearing?

Lisa: Well, nothing special, just my gray pants and...

Christine: Oh, well that explains it, then.

Lisa: Explains what?

Christine: Well, you were probably the best imitation of an elephant they'd ever seen.

Lisa: Oh, Christine?

Christine: Yes, Lisa?

Lisa: Did you go out trick-or-treating?

Christine: Actually, no, I just stayed home and helped to hand out the treats.

Lisa: I thought so.

Christine: What do you mean?

Lisa: All night long I kept hearing about the "witch" on your street!

Christmas [5.17]

Announcer: "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer Joins The A-Team" will not be shown at this time. In its place, we present another Christmas turkey.

[Ross has complained about how consumerism is ruining Christmas.]

Christine: Yeah, you know, I know what you mean. I was in this one store and there was a sign: "10 Santas, No Waiting."

Alasdair: I know what you mean, Christine. I was in this store and there was an express Santa for kids that wanted less than five presents.

Ross: Oh yeah? Was he busy?

Alasdair: No. Who wants less than five presents?

[Doug is looking around the living room for something. He can't find it and leaves in frustration.]

Valerie: It's driving Dougie crazy. He can't find his Christmas presents anywhere.

Lance: Where did you hide them?

Valerie: Oh, I found a place he hasn't looked in years. Under his bed.

Alasdair: Okay, it has 11 letters, it begins with S, and when--

Mr. Schidtler: Wait a minute, Alasdair. What are you doing?

Alasdair: I'm giving my report, sir.

Mr. Schidtler: Your assignment was to give me a review of A Christmas Carol.

Alasdair: Well, that's right, and "Silent Night"'s my favorite Christmas carol.

Mr. Schidtler: Not a Christmas carol, A Christmas Carol! By Charles Dickens!

Alasdair: I've never heard of him, sir, but maybe if you sung a couple of lines, it might come back to me.

[Lance is angrily trying to assemble something.]

Lance: Every Christmas Eve, it's the same thing, I can't put these things together!

Valerie: I know, dear.

Lance: I'm a senator, I'm not an engineer.

Valerie: Well, let me see that, Lance. [Lance hands over the instruction sheet.] Well, maybe you're having trouble, dear, because you're using the Japanese instructions.

Lance: Let me see that! [He grabs the sheet back.] I know.

Valerie: Of course you did.

Lance: I just happen to like a challenge, okay?

Valerie: You bet.

Lisa: Ross, thank you very much for the Christmas bonuses.

Ross: It was nothing.

Christine: Almost!

Politics [5.18]

War [5.19]

Science [5.20]

Christine: You know, Lisa Ruddy always reminded me of a fossil.

Lisa: Well thank you very much, Christine. You mean you think I make a lasting impression?

Christine: Well, there's that, and there's the fact that your head is as hard as a rock.

Divorce [5.21]

Ross: I got some bad news. The producer and his wife are getting a divorce.

Alasdair: Oh, great! For a minute there, I thought it was something really serious.

Ross: But wait a minute, it is more serious than you guys think. You see, the producer's wife gets half of everything he owns, and that includes this show. (Suddenly, we hear someone moaning.)

Christine: What was that?

Ross: The producer. They just told him.

Lisa: I still don't get it. So she gets half of the show. What's the big deal?

Ross: The big deal is she's taking her half of this show right now.

Christine: Okay, Ross. You tell us. Which half of the show does she get?

(Suddenly, the left half of the screen goes blank, and Alasdair, Lisa and Marjorie disappear.)

Ross: That half.

Marjorie: Lisa, you weren't in school yesterday. Why? Were you sick?

Lisa: No, no, yesterday was a Jewish holiday.

Marjorie: Yeah, but you're not Jewish.

Lisa: I know that, but the man that my mom just married is, so we get all the Catholic holidays and all the Jewish holidays.

Marjorie: Hey, that's a great idea! As soon as I get home, I'm going to tell my mom to get divorced and marry someone of a different religion! That way I can have two sets of holidays!

Lisa: Yeah, and just think, if your parents both marry someone of a different religion, just think of all the holidays you'd get! No more school!

Marjorie: YEAH! [the girls both giggle hysterically]

[Lisa and Marjorie are in the living room]

Lisa: Marjorie, I thought you said that your parents were getting a separation.

Marjorie: They are, but since neither of them could afford to move out, they separated the house.

[Camera switches to a wider shot, revealing that the living room is divided straight down the middle by a solid white line, which divides the sofa and table in half. In one chair, on the same side of the house as the TV, sits Valerie, knitting, and in the other chair on the other side of the white line sits Lance, reading the paper. Lisa and Marjorie are seated on Valerie's half of the couch.]

Valerie: Marjorie dear, I'm afraid your little friend is going to have to go home now.

Marjorie: Aw Mom, she just got here!

Valerie: Marjorie dear, you know the rules - no company after eight o'clock.

Marjorie: All right. Dad?

Lance: Yeah? What is it, Marjorie?

Marjorie: Can we come over to play?

Lance: Why sure, kid! You know what I always say, my house is your house.

Marjorie: Bye Mom!

Valerie: Bye dear.

[The girls get up, cross the white line and move to the other side of the sofa.]

Marjorie: Dad, this is my friend Lisa.

[The girls sit down on the couch. Marjorie sits right on the dividing white line, Valerie cautions "Uh-uh-uh!" and Marjorie scoots back over to the other side.]

Lisa: Marjorie, I can't see the TV.

Marjorie: Oh yeah, I know that. Mom got custody.

Lance: [holding up his beer can] But I got custody of the fridge. Heh heh.

Families [5.22]

Lisa: (at Barth's) Alasdair, where's Stephanie Chow? Wasn't she supposed to meet us here?

Barth: (sets plates of food in front of Lisa and Alasdair) Here's your chow!

Lisa: Oh Barth... you didn't!

Barth: What are you talking about?

Alasdair: You, putting poor little Stephanie Chow in the burger mix! That's murder!

Barth: Oh, you mean the new kid, the little Chinese girl? I couldn't put her in the burger mixture!

Lisa: I knew even you wouldn't do something like that.

Barth: Of course not! I don't serve Chinese food! And besides, there's not enough meat on her bones to even bother with. (Stephanie then turns up beating frantically on Barth's chest, trying to free herself from his grasp)

Malls or Hangouts [5.23]

Christine: Hey, Adam?

Adam: Yes, Christine?

Christine: Have you noticed that lately Lisa's been hanging out a lot?

Adam: Yeah, I know. Lately I've seen her hanging around the shopping mall, the video arcade...

Christine: No, no, that's not what I mean. I mean she's been hanging out, like over her belt, and over the top of her shirt, and...

Lisa: Are you finished?!!

...

Christine: Hey, Lisa?

Lisa: What?!

Christine: Listen, I'm sorry about that joke about "hanging out." I didn't make it up, you know, I just recite my lines.

Lisa: ...Yeah, I know.

Christine: You know, sometimes I wish we could just stop making jokes about peoples' bodies. They're stupid, I mean, why can't we joke about something else, like, you know, personality?

Lisa: But Christine, how can we make jokes about something you don't even have?

Christine: LISA!!!

Lisa: Christine, I'm just reciting my lines.

Seasons or Weather [5.24]

Christine: [introducing the show, dressed in a heavy overcoat and hat] I would just like to show you how the weather affects our lives - for instance, the clothes we wear. In the winter, we have to bundle up because we're suffering through that freezing cold! And then... [takes off overcoat and hat to reveal that she has on a red raincoat] comes the spring... with its soft spring rains. And then... [takes off raincoat to reveal that she is wearing a one-piece bathing suit] THE SCORCHING HEAT OF SUMMER!!!

Angry Crew Member Offscreen: CUT IT OFF!

Ross: [walks up to Christine with a bathrobe, which he uses to cover her up] Christine! What are you doing?!

Christine: Well, Ross, I'm introducing the show. I thought that since it was about weather, I'd just, uh... [laughs sheepishly]

Ross: Do you realize what the Censor Board would say about this? Do you want them to take this show off the air?

Christine: [laughing and grinning wickedly] Yes.

[Blip's Arkaid]

Alasdair: All right, one more point and fifty free games!

(Blip hearing this runs over and shuts the power off momentarily)

Kids: BLIP!!

Blip: Sorry kids, a little power failure. Thunderstorm if you ask me.

Alasdair: A little power failure? My score just went down to zero and I lost fifty free games!

Blip: What can I do? It's the weather!

Alasdair: I don't know why Blip just shuts off the power and then blames it on the weather.

Lisa: But it is the weather. Weather we are about to win any free games or not.

[Snakeeyes' bus is stuck in a snowbank and he tries to push it out.]

Snakeeyes: All right kids, You're going to have to come out and help me push.

Lisa: We are always getting stuck in the snow Snakeeyes. Can't the school board buy some snow tires?

Snakeeyes: Oh they wanted to buy snow tires, but I told them, "No thank you!".

Lisa: Why?

Snakeeyes: Oh you kids are so stupid. I mean snow tires, how long do you think they'd last? Tires made out of snow. First two days of summer, they'd melt.

Lisa: Where does the school board find him? And why do they let him drive a bus?

[Christine is shoveling snow during a blizzard in the studio.]

Alasdair: (with his weather machine) Christine! I finally figured out how to stop the snow!

Christine: Well would you hurry up?! My arms are getting tired!

Alasdair: All right! You turn the dial to heat wave. There! (The blizzard stops.)

Christine: Oh it worked! Oh but Alasdair, there's only one problem. Where does all the snow go when it melts?

Alasdair: It turns into water!

[Alasdair is drenched]

Christine: Well, at least you didn't get green slimed.

Alasdair: You know, sometimes I don't know which is worse.

[Alasdair is slimed]

Christine: Well, now you know.

Lisa: You know Alasdair, Snakeeyes is an amazing driver. Through snow, sleet, wind or hail, we have never been late for school.

Alasdair: And isn't it amazing that it's only on the way home from school that his brakes fail, he runs out of gas, he loses the keys, he gets stuck in the snow, he gets pulled over by the cops...

[Alasdair's weather machine has it very hot in the studio.]

Christine: Lisa, I can't believe how hot it is today.

Lisa: Christine, it has got to be at least a hundred degrees.

Christine: You know, with my frail health, I can die in this weather.

Lisa: There has got to be a way to cool off.

Christine: (thinking) There is! Come here. (whispers to Lisa)

Lisa: Good idea! okay.

Christine and Lisa: Water! (nothing happens) Water? WATER!!

Christine: Oh. Ross, what is going on here?

Ross: It is this heat Christine. We have to conserve water. Which is more important, a cheap gag or conserving one of our most natural resources?

Lisa: I don't know, I guess you're right.

[Lisa is slimed]

Christine: Well apparently, there's no slime shortage. But you've got problems Lisa. There's no water in the showers.

[Everyone is ready to go swimming in the studio pool. However, Ross brings out a small Care Bears wading pool]

Christine: Ross, this is a pool for a little child.

Ross: This is a program for a little child.

Christine: Ross, we can't go swimming in this pool. There's no...liquid in it.

Ross: Oh. Well...then nobody's going to drown.

Jealousy [5.25]

Christine: Hi, and welcome to an episode of You Can't Do That On Television that'll really turn your head, and probably your stomach.

Wealth [5.26]

Season 6 (1985)

Romance & Dating [6.1]

Announcer: "Love Connection Short Circuits" will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you the following heartbreaking show.

Alasdair: Hi, and welcome to today's episode of You Can't Do That on Television, about a subject that's heartwarming, soul-stirring, and guaranteed to set your pulse racing.

Lisa: Oh, it's about the latest fashions, nice!

Alasdair: No, Lisa, it's about romance and dating.

Christine: Oh, no, it's going to be mushy, isn't it?

Alasdair: Christine, romance makes the world go round.

Christine: Yeah, so does centrifugal force.

Identity Crisis [6.2]

Fears, Worries, and Anxieties [6.3]

Relatives [6.4]

Pessimism/Optimism [6.5]

Vanessa: Doug, what's the matter?

Doug: I'm doomed. No one on this show has been slimed yet, and I just know I'm going to be the one to get it.

Vanessa: Cheer up, Doug, you've got to think positive. Anyway, what makes you think you're the one who's going to be slimed?

Doug: You know, you're right, Vanessa. Why should I feel so down? I don't know what came over me!

[Doug is slimed]

Vanessa: Well, I guess sometimes you've just gotta go with your feelings!

Revenge [6.6]

Announcer: "Rambo Shoots The Ayatollah" will not be seen at this time so that we can get our revenge on you by showing this special program.

Lisa: Christine, I could wring your stupid neck.

Alasdair: What are you girls fighting about, anyway?

Lisa: You'll never guess what she did at lunch yesterday.

Alasdair: She took her milk [pours a milk carton down Alasdair's shirt] and poured it down my shirt like this.

Christine: Oh, big deal! You know what she did? She took her Jell-O and [takes a handful of Jell-O and stuffs it in Alasdair's shirt pocket] first she put in my pocket [squishes the pocket] like that, and then she took some more and [takes another handful and smooshes it on Alasdair's shirt] smooshed in on my shirt like that, and then she smooshed it [takes a thid handful and smooshes it on Alasdair's shirt collar] on my neck!

Lisa: Well, I was just trying to get even! [grabs a bottle of ketchup] Then you took your ketchup [squirts it on Alasdair's shirt] and squirted it all over me like this!

Christine: Lisa... THAT WAS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON [tears a sleeve off Alasdair's shirt] TO RIP THE SLEEVE OFF MY SHIRT!

Alasdair: Now, girls, this is pointless. You have been friends much, much too long to fight. Now, truce?

[He grabs the girls' hands and moves them together.]

Alasdair: Come on, now make up. Truce? There.

Lisa: Sorry.

Christine: I'm sorry, too. It was my fault.

Majorie: [looking at a comic book]: Justin, how come the villians are always saying "Sweet Revenge! Sweet Revenge!"?

Justin: Beats me.

[Christine enters]

Christine: Justin! You ate all the pancakes!

Justin: I was hungry. Next time don't get up so late.

Christine: "Next" time? What about this time?! I was all set to come in here and pour the syrup over a big stack of hot pancakes!

Justin: Well, find something else to pour your syrup over.

Christine: [Laughing] All right, I will.

[Christine pours the syrup over Justin's head.]

Marjorie: Justin, is that what they call "Sweet Revenge"?

Justin: [Tasting the syrup] Guess so.

[The classroom. Justin is passing a note to Lisa.]

Mr. Schidtler: Justin! Lisa! [he grabs the note] Passing little notes again. How many times have I warned you? Well, I'm gonna fix you two. I'm gonna read this little love note to the entire class.

[Everyone else in the class cheers as Schidtler opens the note.]

Mr. Schidtler: "Class dismissed."

[The students cheer as they run out of the classroom and Schidtler protests against it.]

[Opposite sketch. Nasti the dungeonkeeper is chained in the dungeon.]

Nasti: Okay, Alasdair, I guess you finally got your revenge.

Alasdair: Not exactly. Maestro, if you please?

[There is a brief piano scale, then...]

Alasdair: [singing loudly and off-key] ONE MILLION BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL, A MILLION BOTTLES OF BEER...

Nasti: [as Alasdair continues to sing] What? 999,000? No, don't! Please! I can't stand it! It'll take forever! [moans]

Justin: Oh, sandwich again? Boring. What have you got?

Alasdair: I got year old bread with green meat, sour milk, and frankfurter bits in green Jell-o.

Justin: Oh, gross!

Alasdair: Justin, never tell your mother she looks good in wrinkles.

[Justin is sitting on the front porch while loud music can be heard from inside. Alasdair enters.]

Alasdair: Hey, what's up, Justin?

Justin: My stupid sister and her stupid friends are having a stupid slumber party. They've taken over the whole house, I can't even get into my own room.

Alasdair: It's pretty bad. I say you take revenge out on them, like putting itching powder in their sleeping bags.

Justin: I would never do something as juvenile and mature as that.

[Suddenly, we hear screaming and the girls run out of the house.]

Justin: [laughing] Besides, frogs work much better!

[Alasdair pulls a small frog out of his pocket and throws it at them.]

Lisa: I can't believe Majorie! She copied all her answers off me!

Christine: No!

Lisa: Yes. But I got even with her. I wrote all the wrong answers down.

[The bedroom. Christine lifts her bed sheets and screams, waking up Lisa.]

Christine: Yesterday, I put a frog in Alasdair's bed.

Lisa: So?

Christine: This morning he put a toad in mine and I put a lizard in his.

Lisa: So?

Christine: So take a look at what he did to get even!

[She lifts it partially, and we hear growling. Lisa hides behind her covers.]

Wildlife and Animals [6.7]

Announcer: "Wild Wild Kingdom" will not be seen at this time. In its place, we present a program in which people act like animals.

[In an Opposite sketch, everyone but Lisa has been replaced by an animal.]

Lisa: Just a second! Now how come everyone else is an animal except me?

Alasdair: Well, Lisa, the production department could have made a mistake because you already look kind of like an animal with those hippo hips of yours.

Lisa: Hippo hips? Alasdair, that just wasn't very nice.

Alasdair: Lisa, remember, this is the opposites. I'm not supposed to be nice, chipmunk cheeks.

Christine: Oh, Lisa?

Lisa: Yes, Moosie?

Christine: How did you learn to act? Did you take acting lessons, or did you just kind of watch other actors?

Lisa: I guess I learned by watching other actors.

Christine: That's what I thought. You know what they say, "Monkey see, monkey do."

Outer Space [6.8]

World Records [6.9]

Movies [6.10]

Announcer: "Children Of The Corn" will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you TV's corniest children.

[Christine is doing her screen test for You Can't Do That On Television - The Movie.]

Christine: [enthusiastically, with a big smile on her face] "Hi, and welcome to You Can't Do That On Television, The Movie. Don't ask me what it's about, because I..." excuse me, could we make a small line change here?

Director Frederico Panzarotti: No, no, Christine, it's gotta be done exactly as it's written.

Christine: No - it's just that...

Panzarotti: No, no, no, no - look, you wanna be in the movies?

Christine: Yes, of course I do.

Panzarotti: Then READ THE LINES!

Christine: [with much less enthusiasm] "Hi, and welcome to You Can't Do That On Television, The Movie. Don't ask me what it's about... because I don't know."

[Christine is slimed.]

Lisa: [grousing about having to go to the drive-in movie] Oh, I hate sitting in the car and getting bitten by bugs!

Alasdair: The food is terrible, and the video games at the snack bar are out of date!

Mom: Well, you'll have a nice time, children, really.

Lisa: Are we going to same old stupid drive-in on Highway 41? We're always the only car there!

Sen. Prevert: I'll tell you why we're going there - because that's where I asked your mother to marry me.

Lisa: Oh? Well, what was the movie?

Mom: Bride of Frankenstein.

Lisa: Sounds right to me.

Sen. Prevert: LIIIIISA! Don't encourage your mother!

Season 7 (1986)

Fairy Tales, Myths, and Legends [7.1]

Pop Music [7.2]

Announcer: "Bruce Springsteen Gets Laryngitis" will not be seen at this time, in order that we may bring you the following off-key program.

[In the kitchen, Mrs. Prevert is standing on a chair and screaming.]

Adam: What's the matter, Mom, why are you screaming?

Mrs. Prevert: I'm screaming because of the beatles!

Adam: I know the Beatles were a great rock group, and people used to scream at their concerts, but that was a long time ago! Besides, you're not playing any of their music.

Mrs. Prevert: No, I'm not screaming because of those Beatles, I'm screaming because of those beatles! (points at some real beetles on the floor. Adam screams and gets on the chair as well.)

Adam: Now I'm telling you, Alanis, the rolling stones really do live in there.

Alanis: The Rolling Stones? Are you sure?

Adam: Yeah. Now come on, let's get out of here, this is dangerous.

Alanis: [running up to the front door] Are you kidding? And miss a chance at getting their autographs? Oh, that Mick Jagger is such a hunk... I can't wait to see them... [rings the doorbell]

Adam: [trying to stop Alanis from ringing the bell] Wait a minute! ... I don't mean THOSE Rolling Stones, Alanis!

[Alanis opens the front door, then screams and quickly runs off to avoid a barrage of giant rocks rolling toward her.]

Adam: [getting crushed by the giant rocks] I mean THOSE rolling stones! AAAAHHH!

[The kids have just decided to form a band to back Alasdair when he goes out touring.]

Alasdair: Okay, what do we call (the band)?

Stephanie: Beats me.

Alasdair: No, I don't really like the sound of that. Adam, do you have any ideas?

Adam: I'm thinking, I'm thinking...

Alasdair: No, no, Adam, that's too intellectual. Alanis, you must have a good idea?

Alanis: I don't know.

[Alanis is slimed.]

Alanis: [angrily] Alasdair, you did that on PURPOSE! Now I will hate you.

Alasdair: No! Alanis, no, really, it didn't have anything to do with me. I just forgot to tell you that on this show you can't say "I don't know," or you'll get slimed---

[Alasdair is also slimed.]

Adam: Wait a minute, I've got a great idea! Why don't we call our group the Green Slimes? [shaking Alasdair's hand] Put 'er there, buddy!

Alasdair: Swell. [to Alanis] You okay?

[Alanis, grimacing, digs a handful of slime out of her shirt pocket and drops it on the floor.]

Know-It-Alls [7.3]

[Vanessa and Christine are lost in the woods.]

Vanessa: I'm starving! Are these berries edible?

Christine: Vanessa, those are gooseberries. Of course they're edible. They're full of Protein and Vitamin A.

Vanessa: Boy, I sure am glad I got stuck in the woods with an expert like you!

[Vanessa eats some of the berries, and then a few seconds later gasps, clutches her throat, and falls over dead.]

Christine: [Laughing] Of course, silly me! I should have noticed the deep red coloring sooner. This is obviously Deadly Nightshade! Highly poisonous. Boy, do I feel dumb.

Parties [7.4]

Alanis: If there's one thing I know, it's how to get attention at parties.

Alasdair: Alanis, if you won't go to the network party with me, I'll just have to kill myself, that's all.

Alanis: Oh Alasdair, how touching. I really want to help you... all right.

Alasdair: You'll come?

Alanis: No, I'll go.

Alasdair: Great!

Alanis: I'll go see if I can find my father's gun.

Principal: All right Adam, I want you to copy pages 7 to 9,742 in this dictionary.

Adam: Sir, you can't make me stay here! It's my birthday today! I'm having guests over, a big party, a cake, everything!

Principal: Oh. Your birthday, you say? Well, in that case, I might let you off...

Adam: Oh, thank you, sir...

Principal: I said, might let you off, if you hadn't used that excuse at least 15 times this year, and I don't remember how many times last year. Do you think I'm stupid? I'm not falling for that again.

Adam: But sir, it really IS my birthday today!

Principal: Do you think that I'm an idiot? If you'd had as many birthdays as you've claimed in the last couple of years, you'd be... 75 years of age.

Adam: ("old man" voice) Well, how clever of you to work that out, sir! I'm actually 75 today! And you wouldn't put an old man through detention, would you? (clutches his chest as though he were having a heart attack) My heart can't take it.

Principal: (rushes to help Adam out of his seat and to the door) Oh! No! Easy, sir! Come along now... oh, by the way, happy birthday.

Adam: ("old man" voice) Thank you, young lad!

Principal: And many happy returns, sir. Bye-bye!

Adam: (leaving detention room) Bye!

Principal: And have a good day.

(Alasdair, Alanis, Adam and Kai are partying in the living room and having a wonderful time, when they hear their parents' voices outside the door.)

Mrs. Prevert: Children! We're home from the convention!

Mr. Prevert: Hi kids!

Alasdair: Oh no! We weren't supposed to be having a party! Quick, clean up!

Adam: They'll kill us!

(The children frantically begin trying to clean up the messy living room, but don't get far when the door opens and Mom and Dad enter.)

Mr. Prevert: (sees mess) HEY! Whaaaat's been goin' on here?!

Adam: Well...

Alasdair: Some... some... some bunch of burglars broke in here and tied us all up, and then they went really wild and crazy and had a party!

Kai: And... and you should have seen the Pin the Tail on the Donkey game! It was terrible!

Mrs. Prevert: Oh, no! Are you kids all right?

Alasdair: Well, we're kind of in shock right now.

Mr. Prevert: Okay, listen - I am gonna call the police.

Alanis: Dad, don't be too hard on them, you know, just because they didn't clean up the place.

Mrs. Prevert: Oh, don't you worry, Alanis. Those burglars are going to get their just deserts. You see (holds up fish bone), those burglars ate some salmon that was contaminated with food poisoning, and they are all going to be very sick any minute now.

(The kids immediately get sick and begin to throw up.)

Garbage [7.5]

TV Commercials [7.6]

Mrs. Prevert: Yuck! Oh, however am I going to get rid of all this oven grease?!

[A puff of smoke, and the Jiffy Genie (Doug) appears.]

Jiffy Genie: You need the Jiffy Genie!

Mrs. Prevert: Oh, Jiffy Genie, can you get rid of all this oven grease?

Jiffy Genie: In a flash, ma'am!

[The Jiffy Genie waves his hands, there is another puff of smoke, and the oven disappears completely. Mrs. Prevert screams and wails.]

Les: [Voiceover] Yes, with Jiffy Genie, you'll never have oven grease again!

Jiffy Genie: [To camera] You'll never have an oven, period!

[Alasdair Gillis, Doug Ptolemy and Robert Enns are seated on the bench in their football uniforms, furiously scratching their itchy feet.]

Robert: This itching is driving me crazy!

Alasdair: Me too. I wish there were something we could do to get rid of it.

[Enter the Coach, carrying a can of foot powder.]

Coach: Itch no more! He-Man Foot Powder is here! It'll not only cure the itch, but your feet will smell like a rose.

Doug: Just what we've been looking for!

[The boys excitedly sprinkle the powder on their feet.]

Alasdair: OW! This kills!

Coach: But has the itching stopped?

Robert: Yes, the itching has stopped, but now our feet hurt from the thorns!

Coach: And they smell like roses! [To the camera] He-Man Foot Spray! Ya can't take it, yer not a man!

(The boys begin to cry and wail.)

[A door-to-door saleswoman (Alanis) walks up to the Preverts' front door and rings the bell. Mrs. Prevert answers, her red hair in curlers.]

Mrs. Prevert: Yes, dear?

Alanis: Ravon Calling! Good morning or afternoon, sir or madam, as the case may be. As advertised on television, we would like to offer you a beauty program that will leave you looking years younger. Try our new beauty cream absolutely free of charge.

Mrs. Prevert: Oh, I certainly will! Oh!

[Mrs. Prevert excitedly rubs some of the cream on her cheeks. A puff of smoke, and she is transformed into a little girl.]

Young Mrs. Prevert: (Stephanie) Wow, it really works! I feel years younger!

[Young Mrs. Prevert excitedly reaches for more cream.]

Alanis: No, don't take any more... I wouldn't recommend it...

[Mrs. Prevert rubs more cream on her cheeks anyway. Another puff of smoke, and she is transformed into an infant (doll).]

Alanis: (Picking up Mrs. Prevert) The manual never said anything about this!

Country [7.7]

Back To School [7.8]

Illness [7.9]

Mrs. Prevert: (entering the bedroom, where Doug and Jody are lying in their individual beds, sneezing and sniffling) Okay boys, it's time for school, you're going to be late. Up, up!

Doug: We can't, mom. These allergies are (sneezes) really getting to us!

Jody: My nose, my body aches all over!

Mrs. Prevert: Well, perhaps you boys had better stay home. There is a lot of that pollen stuff in the air. (leaves)

Doug: Can you believe that?! She bought it! (produces a pepper mill from under his bedclothes) These pepper mills are a real lifesaver.

Mrs. Prevert: (returning, holding some blankets, a pot and a humidifier) Okay! I've closed all the windows, and I'm going to steam up the room, and here's some extra blankets, and I'm going to take your temperature, Jody, open your mouth. That's it. And lots and lots of chicken soup; (to rubber chicken in the pot) Elmo, sit still. Oh, you're going to be better in no time! (leaves)

Jody: Oh, great idea, Doug. Now we've gotta stay in this torture chamber all day!

Doug: I think I'd rather go to school.

(Doug, the paperboy, walks up to the Preverts' front step to collect his fee. Mr. and Mrs. Prevert, who have spots all over their faces, are holding a sign that says "QUARANTINE.")

Mrs. Prevert: Oh, keep away, little boy! It isn't safe!

Doug: What is this?!

Mrs. Prevert: Oh, young man, we're under quarantine, can't you see? You have to stay away.

Doug: Listen lady, I don't care if you're under quarantine. I've come to get the money for the paper, and I'm gonna get it, you know.

Mr. Prevert: Hey kid, we'd love to pay ya. Can't you read, we're under quarantine! We have got "spotted faaaaaaaceatosis"! You catch it and you die! I'm sorry!

Doug: (scared) Oh, well that's okay then. Maybe I'll come back next week, and - and - and I'll get my money then, okay? (runs off quickly, leaving his bag of papers behind)

Mr./Mrs. Prevert: Bye!

Mr. Prevert: Nice boy.

Mrs. Prevert: Oh Lance, this quarantine idea of yours is sheer genius! (begins to rub some of the spots off her face, revealing the spots to be only ink) Ever since we pretended we had "spotted faceatosis," well, we've saved all kinds of money! My goodness, we haven't had to pay the milkman, the vacuum cleaner repairman, the car salesman, it's wonderful. You're a genius.

Mr. Prevert: Genius? Valerie, I really have got spotted faaaaaceatosis. I think you've got it too.

Mrs. Prevert: What?

Mr. Prevert: (pointing to a spot on Valerie's nose) That one ain't gonna come off.

Doug: (he and Jody are in their bathrobes, in the washroom) I'm not going to school today. We have a spelling bee and I didn't study.

Jody: Mom's not gonna let you stay home for that.

Doug: I know, but she's not going to let a sick kid go to school, is she? Watch. (fills a pitcher with water from the tap, walks over to the toilet, and while pouring the water into the toilet bowl, makes retching sounds)

Mrs. Prevert: Did I just hear someone being sick in the toilet?

Doug: Yes mom!

Mrs. Prevert: Oh, well, whoever it was certainly can't go to school today. So, I want you boys to finish getting dressed (walks over to the toilet and picks up the empty pitcher) while I put this poor little jug to bed. Oh, there there, little jug, yes. And Dougie, hurry up and put your clothes on, unless you want to go to school in your bathrobe.

Enemies & Paranoia [7.10]

Alanis: Ugh! Mom, this food is disgusting! I wouldn't feed this to my worst enemy.

Mrs. Prevert: Oh, neither would I, dear. I love you, Alanis; in fact, no one could be closer to me than you are, so I didn't give it to my worst enemy - I gave it to you. Now EAT IT, young lady, every forkful! There's nothing wrong with pureed rutabager! In! Two, three!

Saving Money [7.11]

Contests [7.12]

Censorship [7.13]

[Ross wants the cast to wear sailor suits for the new clean image he wants the show to represent]

Alasdair: Ross, if you think I'm going to wear this (bleep, bleep) sailor outfit, you can just (bleep, bleep)!

Vanessa: Alasdair, why did you get bleeped? And we weren't even using bad language.

Alasdair: You know, Vanessa you're right. I don't know what I said wrong.

(Alasdair is slimed. More bleeping is heard and James comes in with a remote control)

James: Hey guys, have you seen this neat gizmo? It sure makes a cool bleeping noise.

Alasdair: (bleep, bleep, bleep)!

James: What do all those words mean?

Vanessa: You're too young to know James. That is what they call real bleeping.

Mr. Schidtler: Well. Is this what you have to present for Show and Tell Alasdair?

(Alasdair is standing apparently naked with a black square over his groin)

Alasdair: Yes sir.

Jodie: Kind of a funny color isn't it?

Vanessa: I can't see anything. (to the camera) Get rid of that stupid black band!

(the black square disappears to reveal Alasdair wearing Hawaiian shorts. Vanessa screams)

Alasdair: Hey, if you think that's neat, wait till you see what else my parents brought back from Hawaii! (puts on a lei.)

Vanessa: Ohhhh. (to the camera) Put the black band back! (the black square reappears) No! I mean on his face! (the black square moves over Alasdair's face.)

[Ross is washing Doug's mouth out with soap.]

Ross: There! Five minutes. That about to be enough time for you to clean your language young man!

Doug: Oh Ross, get me something to wash the taste away!

Ross: Like what?

Doug: Water, anything, quick!

[Doug is drenched]

Doug: (Bleep, bleep, bleep)!

Ross: (Talking to the producer) I agree.

Doug: (Bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep)!

Ross: Worst (bleep) that I've ever heard.

Doug: (Bleep, bleep, bleep)!

Ross: How about five minutes more?

Doug: (Bleep, bleep, bleep).

Ross: Open up. (Shoves the soap back in Doug's mouth.)

[Alasdair and Doug are changing clothes in their bedroom.]

Doug: What's the matter Alasdair? Are you shy or something?

Alasdair: No I'm not Doug.

Doug: But Alasdair, we're brothers. We've been changing in this room for years.

Alasdair: Yeah I know Doug, but look at this.

(Alasdair has a black square over his groin)

Doug: Oh Alasdair. This censorship stuff is getting ridiculous!

Alasdair: Yeah, so is having TV CAMERAS IN YOUR BEDROOM!! Well let's get em!

Doug: (grabbing a baseball bat) Ok, I'm going for a home run!

Alasdair: Go now!

Doug: Ready? (Swings the bat at the camera)

Film announcer: (while all the kids sitting in the movie theater are cut down by a barrage of bullets) Coming soon to a theater near you, "RAMBO KILLS EVERYONE"! See Rambo shoot your friends. See him kill you! See Rambo shoot everyone in the whole world without having to reload his machine gun once. "RAMBO KILLS EVERYONE"!!!!

[Alasdair and Doug now have black squares over their groins]

Doug: Where do these things come from anyways?

Alasdair: Well afterwards they're put on as a special effect.

Doug: You mean they're not really here and the people in the studio can see whats underneath them?

Alasdair: Yep Doug, that's exactly right.

Doug: The cameraman? Everyone?

Alasdair: Yes Doug, they can all see your shorts.

(they step out of the black squares to reveal that they are wearing shorts)

[Mrs. Prevert has taken the soap out of Doug's Mouth.]

Mrs. Prevert: Young man, I certainly hope that washing your mouth off with this soap has taught you about using that kind of language.

Doug: I'm gonna be using that kind of language more from now on.

Mrs. Prevert: WHAT?! Didn't this teach you a lesson?

Doug': It sure did.

Mrs. Prevert: What's that?

Doug: I love the taste of soap, it's fabulous.

[Mrs. Prevert screams as Doug bites more of the soap.]

Poverty & Unemployment [7.14]

Coach: [in the locker room] Boys, boys, listen - I've got some bad news for ya. I was at the eye doctor's today, and he tells me I gotta quit coachin'. Yeah, my eyesight is so bad I can hardly see.

Alasdair: Coach, that's really too bad.

Doug: Yeah, I guess that means you're out of a job, right?

Coach: Are you kidding? I got a new job already. I'm a referee. [takes off his coaching jacket to reveal a referee's shirt on underneath] I'll see ya out on the field... [bumps into the door] ...if I can find the field. [to the door] Come on, buddy, outta the way!

Luck [7.15]

(Vanessa and Doug are playing cards as Valerie enters)

Vanessa: I'm in luck! Three sevens, Dougie! I won! Peel.

Valerie: (gasping) Children! I would be horrified that you would be playing like strip poker! It's immoral!

Doug: No, mom, not strip poker, food poker. See? [He peels a banana]

Valerie: Oh. I've never head of food poker. I'm sorry, Dougie. I don't know what I was thinking of.

Doug: By the way, mom, what is strip poker?

Valerie: Never you mind, young man. Just eat that banana.

Vanessa: Hey, Dougie, wanna play another hand, double or nothing?

Part-Time Jobs [7.16]

Announcer: "The A-Team Delivers Newspapers" will not be seen at this time so that we may bring you the following botched job.

[Adam enters the living room with a tire over his shoulder]

Valerie: Oh, Adam, how did the part-time job at the parking garage go today, dear?

Adam: It's not fair! You'd think they'd have promoted me!

Valerie: Oh, what happened, Adam?

Adam: Well, you see, I was driving this customer's Porsche into the garage to see how fast it would go. Only problem was, it ended up parked on top of another car. You think they'd realized I just showed them how to fit twice as many cars into the garage! But no, no... first they yell at me, then they fired me.

[Adam enters the living room]

Valerie: Adam, how did the job at the fast food place go today, dear?

Adam: It's not fair! You'd think they'd have promoted me!

Valerie: Oh, no, what happened, dear?

Adam: Well, you see, they kept yelling at me to serve the food faster, and I did. I served the food faster than anybody else did. Only trouble was it didn't get cooked first.

Valerie: Oh, dear.

Adam: You think they'd realize the money they could save by serving the hamburgers raw. But no, no... first they yell at me, then they fire me.

[Alasdair is at the firing squad.]

El Capitan: Ready... aim... [Alasdair sticks a card on El Capitan's back] Wait, wait. [To Alasdair] What'd you do? You put a sign on my back. Childish trick, you stuck a sign that probably says "Kick Me"?

Alasdair: No.

El Capitan: Alright, we'll find out. Amigos, [walks in front of Alasdair] the sign on my back, what does it say?

[He turns around, revealing the card reads "FIRE".]

Amigos: "Fire"! [El Capitan gets shot.]

Alasdair: Shot in the back by his own firing squad.

[Adam enters the living room, holding a steering wheel]

Valerie: Adam! How was the job at the car wash today, dear?

Adam: It's not fair! You'd think they'd have promoted me!

Valerie: Oh, no, what happened, dear?

Adam: You see, there was this Mercedes with an electric sunroof. I accidentally pushed the button to open the sunroof just as it was going into the car wash. You think they'd realized I'd just shown them a way to clean the inside of the car as the same time of the outside. But, no, no... first they yell at me, then they fire me.

[Alasdair and Vanessa are looking at mail.]

Vanessa: Well, this fan wants to know what green slime is made of.

Alasdair: Van, why don't you tell them?

Vanessa: Because I don't kn-- Because, Alasdair, they won't tell us.

Alasdair: Well, this fan wants to know he we got on the show.

Vanessa: Well, in my case, I did something really bad at school and being on this show was the worst punishment the teacher could think of. How about you?

Alasdair: Well, Vanessa, actually I thought about it many times, but I don't know how I got on the show.

[Alasdair gets slimed]

Vanessa: I know, Alasdair. They needed someone to keep saying those words to keep getting green slime dumped all over them.

[Adam enters the living room]

Valerie: Adam, how was the house painting job today, dear?

Adam: It's not fair! You'd think they'd have given me a bonus!

Valerie: Oh, dear, what happened, Adam?

Adam: Well, you see, I got this spray gun and I was able to spray paint faster than anybody else and more than anybody else. Well, they got upset because I accidentally spray painted the cat, the window panes, the flowers, the lady of the house, and part of the new Mercedes.

Valerie: Oh, dear.

Adam: You think they'd have given me a bonus for being fast! But no, no... first they yell at me, then they fire me.

[Adam enters the living room with a bone in his mouth]

Valerie: Well, how did the dog-walking job go today, Adam?

Adam: [takes the bone out of his mouth] It's not fair! You'd think they'd have given me a bonus!

Valerie: Oh, no, what happened, dear?

Adam: Well, you see, they ask me to walk their prize-winning pedigree dogs just before the dog show. I thought they looked, a little bit bored, so I took them on a rabbit hunt, you know, through the woods, across some ditches. So what if they got a little bit messy? You think their owners would be pleased that their precious little dogs had more fun that afternoon than they ever did in their entire lives! But no, no... first they yell at me, then they threatened to sue me!

[Adam is spraying Mrs. Prevert with a hose through an open window]

Mrs. Prevert: [screaming] ADAM! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Adam: I'm cleaning the windows...

Mrs. Prevert: NO, YOU'RE NOT!

Adam: But we agreed for ten dollars I'd clean the windows.

Mrs. Prevert: ADAM, WHEN YOU WASH THE WINDOWS, YOU SHUT THEM FIRST!

Adam: You're the one inside, you do that!

Mrs. Prevert: YOU'RE FIRED! [slams the window]

Adam: First she yells at me, then she fires me, my own mother! [Points the sprayer at the camera]

Ross: ALL RIGHT! ADAM, THAT'S IT! YOU ARE FIRED!

Sleep [7.17]

Home [7.18]

Discipline [7.19]

Matthew:(as Moses) Perhaps this would be quoted as one of the Seven Plagues of the Pharaoh, Lord!

Barth:(Appears from behind a rock.) Duuuuhhhh, I heard Thee!

Mysteries & Crime [7.20]

Season 8 (1987)

Books and Reading [8.1]

[Mrs. Prevert is washing a stack of books in the sink.]

Adam: Mom! What are you doing?

Mrs. Prevert: Oh, hello Adam. I was just washing some dirty books I found in your father's closet.

Adam: Mom, you're ruining them!

Mrs. Prevert: (faking concern) Oh, am I, dear?

Adam: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you? I'm going to go tell Dad.

Mrs. Prevert: That's a good idea, dear. While you're at it, why don't you tell him that I just finished washing the dirty books I found in your closet. Your father would probably be very pleased to know that you have similar tastes in literature.

Adam: ...Okay, maybe I won't then.

Mrs. Prevert: Wise move.

(Mrs. Prevert is coming Matthew's hair; Matthew is wearing a nice pink dress)

Matthew: Mother, you CAN'T do this to me!

Mrs. Prevert: Oh yes I can, Matthew. I read all about it in the National Scab. It said that through technological advances, mothers can now actually pick the sex of their children! And Matthew, I always wanted you to be a girl.

Matthew: But Mother, that is for mothers who are GOING to have children! Did you read all of the article?

Mrs. Prevert: Well, no, Matthew. The checkout line at the supermarket was moving so fast, I would have had to pay for the magazine if I wanted to read the whole thing.

Adoption [8.2]

Amyas: I dreamed I was adopted!

Mrs. Prevert: Oh, no, Amyas, you were just having a nightmare, dear.

Amyas: No, it wasn't a nightmare. I dreamed I was adopted by a mother who let me stay up late to watch all my favorite TV shows and never fed me liver and brussels sprouts!

Mrs. Prevert: You know, Amyas, that's a remarkable coincidence. I, too, had a nightmare.

Amyas: Really?

Mrs. Prevert: Yes, nine years ago - YOU. Good night, dear.

City Life [8.3]

Anniversaries [8.4]

Mrs. Prevert: (brings out birthday cake) Okay Dougie, make a wish and blow them out!

(Doug blows out all of the candles except one.)

Mrs. Prevert: Oh, Dougie, you missed one candle - that means you don't get your wish. However, I believe that as your mother, if I can blow out that candle, I get a wish of my very own!!! (she blows out the candle) I wish... I wish...

(A puff of smoke, and Doug is now wearing a curly blonde wig and a pink dress.)

Doug: WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?!?

Mrs. Prevert: I got my wish! Oh Dougie, I always wished you were a little girl!

Adam: (to Doug) Hey baby, wanna go out for a night on the town?

Mrs. Prevert: Matthew, I have baked a cake in honour of the most important day in a young man's life!

Doug: Hey, happy birthday, Matt! I didn't know it was your birthday!

Mrs. Prevert: Oh, no, no, today isn't Matthew's birthday. Today is the anniversary of the day a mother most looks forward to!...

Matthew: Mother, not in front of my friends!...

Mrs. Prevert: Today, is the anniversary, of the day Matthew was potty-trained!

(Matthew puts his head down in embarrassment while the other kids laugh)

Mrs. Prevert: Four years ago today! And to celebrate, I baked a cake in the shape of a potty, with little bits of... well, made out of chocolate.

Barth (in Barth's Burgery): D'oh, why use chocolate? What's wrong with the real, natural ingredients?

(cut back to the living room, where Matthew and his friends are now throwing up into the potty-shaped cake)

Mrs. Prevert: (angry) Now you see what you've done? Now they have ruined the cake!

Smells [8.5]

Season 9 (1989)

Choices [9.1]

[Halloween night. Mrs. Prevert, dressed in a witch's costume and talking in a high-pitched cackle like a witch, is handing out candy. Chris and Ted walk up to her door dressed in their normal clothes.]

Mrs. Prevert: Aren't you supposed to take a little more trouble with your costumes?

Ted: No way!

Chris: Lady, dressing up is for little kids. Now listen, we've got a lot of houses to cover, we gotta fill these things up, so why don't you just give us the candy.

Mrs. Prevert: Oh, well, at least give me a choice of trick or treat.

Chris: That's funny. Don't treat us like kids. Give me the candy and give him the candy.

Mrs. Prevert: No! Say "Trick or Treat"!

Chris and Ted: Fine! TRICK OR TREAT!

Chris: Now give us the candy.

Mrs. Prevert: No! You gave me the choice, and I choose TRICK! HA HA HA HAAA!!! Alakazoom, alakaZAM!!!

[Mrs. Prevert changes Chris into a frog.]

Ted: Chris? [picking up the frog, wearing a tiny leather jacket] Chris??? [flees in terror]

Mrs. Prevert: AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!! AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!

Chores [9.2]

Communication [9.3]

Fitness [9.4]

Malfunctions [9.5]

Cleanliness [9.6]

Security [9.7]

Pollution [9.8]

Fantasies [9.9]

Time [9.10]

(Mr. and Mrs. Prevert, Chris and Sariya are sitting around the dinner table eating.)

Mr. Prevert: Y'know, Chris, I know that when I was going to high school, none of the girls was as pretty as Sariya here.

Mrs. Prevert: Oh, but Lance, you and I were in high school together, dear.

Mr. Prevert: Yeah, that's right.

Mrs. Prevert: You know, Sariya, back in those days, all the girls talked about Chris's father. They couldn't believe any boy had so many zits or such bad breath. The only reason I went out with him is because I felt sorry for him... well, I lost a bet.

Sariya: Mrs. Prevert, I can't believe you would say such a thing.

Mrs. Prevert: Really, dear?

Sariya: That's the exact same reason why I agreed to go out with Chris! (She and Mom both stick their tongues out triumphantly at a chagrined Chris and Mr. Prevert.)

Mistakes [9.11]

Punishment [9.12]

Ross Ewich: We've decided that during each link on this show, one of you is going to say the magic words.

Carlos: What magic words, Ross?

Ross: I d-... you know what words! Now Carlos, say them!

Carlos: Me? Why should I say them? No way!

Ross: I am ordering you to!

Carlos: Ross, I don't know who you think you are, but...

[Carlos is slimed]

Carlos: ...but there is no way, I'm going to get, green slimed.

[The other kids and Ross laugh]

Mrs. Prevert: (on the phone) I'm sorry, Jennifer can't come to the telephone right now; she's tied up.

(Camera pans out to reveal that Jennifer is literally tied to the armchair.)

Mrs. Prevert: (to Jennifer) And you're going to stay tied up, young lady, until you learn to stop picking your nose!

Jennifer: Mom, as well as not being able to pick my nose, I won't be able to do my homework or my chores, either.

Mrs. Prevert: Oh. Well, then I guess I'd... Oh no you don't, young lady! I'm not falling for that! You never do any homework, and you certainly don't ever do any chores. So ha ha, one for me.

(Mrs. Prevert turns on the TV.)

TV Announcer: For the next five hours, we here at Educational Television are proud to present a performance by the Iranian String Quartet.

Mrs. Prevert: (to a horrified Jennifer) You won't be able to change the channel, either.

Beliefs [9.13]

Age [9.14]

Stephanie: Vanessa, how does it feel to be back on the show this time around?

Vanessa: Well, at first I thought it was going to be awful, but actually it's not that bad.

Ross: Oh yeah? It's all right now, but wait until we really get into this show. We found out there's a lot of stuff that you owe us.

Vanessa: Oh really? Like what?

[Vanessa is slimed]

Vanessa: What's this?!

Ross: Well Vanessa, it just so happens that that Adoption show that I mentioned, you said the magic words and the slime did not come down. So, you owe us one.

Vanessa: But Ross, that's not fair! I didn't even say "I don't know."

[Vanessa is slimed again]

Ross: We appreciate your generosity Vanessa, but you only owed us one not two slimes.

Vanessa: Ross, I wasn't being generous.

Ross: Oh, of course not. You're stupid like the old days.

Vanessa: Steph, can you please turn off that light? I can't get to sleep.

Stephanie: Well sorry if it bothers you Vanessa, but I need help to get to sleep.

Vanessa: Steph, don't you think you're just a little old to be depending on a night light?

Stephanie: It's not a night light Vanessa, it's a TV set. I'm watching old episodes of You Can't Do That On Television with you on them. It puts me in a sleeping mood.

Vanessa: Hey, that's a pretty good idea. Oh no! Doug's on them! Now I'm going to have nightmares.

[Doug Ptolemy comes out of the closet.]

Doug: Hi, Van. Did you call my name?

Vanessa: AAAAH! DOUG!! (throws her stuffed bear at him)

Mr. Schidtler: Alasdair, Christine and Kevin. Sounds like a folk song.

Excess [9.15]

[Kevin gets back in bed as we hear a toilet flush. His mother walks in.]

Mrs. Prevert: Did you just go to the bathroom again, Kevin?

Kevin: [sighing] Yes, Mom...

Mrs. Prevert: Well, you're going in the middle of the night far too often. You're waking everybody up!

Kevin: Well, fine, what do you want me to do? Get up and go to the bathroom, or stay in bed and go to the bathroom?!

Mrs. Prevert: Yes.

Kevin: Yes, what?

Mrs. Prevert: Stay in bed. I'll just put this diaper on you...

[A loud farting noise is heard.]

Kevin: Oh no, too late!

Looking Cool [9.16]

Sariya: I can hardly wait to get slimed!

Chris: Oh, and what makes you so sure you're going to get slimed?

Jill: Well, it can't be you, Chris. You just got watered.

[Jill is drenched]

Carlos: Not everyone can be cool, and I haven't been slimed in a long time! I don't know why!!!

[Carlos is slimed]

Jill: Sure, Carlos, go ahead, be greedy. "Well, I don't know!"

[Jill is slimed]

Christian and Sariya: We don't know!

[Christian and Sariya are both slimed at once]

Amyas: Guess what... I don't know!

[Amyas is slimed]

Chris: If being slimed is suddenly the cool thing to do, then I simply don't know what this could be except...

[Chris is slimed]

All the Kids: ...the Introduction to the Opposites!

Chris: I got more than you.

[The end of the opposites. The kids are all still covered in slime from earlier, but they now look horrified.]

Jill: Oh, I must look really good now!

Carlos: I can't believe we thought that being slimed was so cool! I don't know how we could have been so stupid! [he gets slimed again]

Lost [9.17]

Failure [9.18]

First Times [9.19]

Mrs. Prevert: Chris, you were our first child!

Chris: [Bumps heads with Valerie] OW!

Mrs. Prevert: And Stephanie, you were our second child. And Ted...

Ted: Third time lucky, Mom?

Mrs. Prevert: No, actually, Ted, you were another first.

Ted: All right!

Mrs. Prevert: ...Our first big mistake.

Celebrations [9.20]

Jennifer: Which do you prefer, Christmas or birthdays?

Amy: Well, I get about the same amount of presents on Christmas and on my birthday, but the great thing about my birthday is, I don't have to buy presents for anybody else.

[Opposite skit, Mr. and Mrs. Prevert come into Christian's bedroom with presents, breakfast in bed and a TV.]

Mr. Prevert: Ta da! Wakey wakey!

Mrs. Prevert: Happy Children's Day Christian.

Christian: Wow, breakfast in bed?

Mrs. Prevert: Yes, and we have some presents for you. Don't we Lance?

Christian: Wow!

Mrs. Prevert: Children's Day is our day to show our appreciation for kids.

Christian: Oh thanks mom. Thanks dad.

Mr. Prevert: Hey, what's on the TV? No work today! Nothing but fun, fun fun fun!

[The screen flips over, ending the opposites]

Mr. Prevert: Well I'm glad that's over. Let's get this out of here. (takes the TV away as Mrs. Prevert takes away the presents.) Now, you are going to clean my car. You are going to paint the house, put out the garbage, scrub the cess pool and then go to school.

Christian: What's so wrong about having a Kids Day anyway? I mean, there's a Mother's Day and a Father's Day. There's even a Groundhog's Day!

Mrs. Prevert: Christian, every day is Children's Day and you're spoiled enough as it is!

Christian: Oh, that's what you're always trying to tell--

Mrs. Prevert: (dumps the cereal on Christian's head) There.

Mr. Prevert: Dump it! (dumps the rest of the breakfast on Christian.) Now you lazy little slob, clean up that mess! (he and Mrs. Prevert leave)

Christian: Oh great!

Effort [9.21]

Sports [9.22]

[Chris is washing and waxing a car on the highway]

Karate Instructor: Wash on, wash off. Wash on, wash off.

Chris: I've seen the movie. This is going to turn me into a big karate champion right?

Karate Instructor: No! Turn you into car wash attendant!

...

Chris: Wait a minute. Can we stop this scene? That joke was stupid! It didn't have any punchline. Can we do it over?

Karate Instructor: No punchline?

Chris: No punchline. I already told you! What are you deaf?

Karate Instructor: [punches Chris in the face.] That was punchline!

Smoking [9.23]

Generosity [9.24]

Chris: Hi, and welcome to another episode of You Can't Do That On Television. And since today's show is about generosity, I thought I'd be real nice and generous and let someone introduce the show, so... Patrick, you're my friend.

Patrick: Oh, thank you, thank you, Chris! Oh, I don't know a more generous person than you-

[Patrick is slimed.]

Stephanie: Ted, get OUT of here! It's my turn in the bathroom, Ted! [hits him over the head with her mirror, which breaks] BOY, you're annoying!

Ted: Ha, look, Stephanie, you broke your mirror! That's seven years bad luck!

Announcer: No, no, no, no! You think you get seven years bad luck, but this week only, during our generous summer sale, you get NOT seven, NOT fourteen, but TWENTY-ONE years bad luck!!

Ted: YES!!!

Mrs. Prevert: You know, Jill, I think it was very nice and generous of the audience to give you all those tomatoes tonight, dear.

Jill: [hiding in the back seat] Mother, they didn't GIVE me the tomatoes, they THREW them at me! [sits up to reveal that she is covered with squashed tomatoes]

Mrs. Prevert: True.

Jill: They didn't like my solo. Mother, everyone thinks I'm a failure, don't you understand?!

Mr. Prevert: Jill, Jill, that is not true, not everybody threw somethin' at you. The Wildermeyers were there...

Mrs. Prevert: That's right.

Mr. Prevert: They never tossed nothin'.

[A car pulls up next to the Preverts'.]

Mrs. Prevert: Oh, look!

Mr. Prevert: They just pulled up to the stoplight! Hey Wildermeyer, over here! Yeah! How ya doin'? Yeah, we need a little confidence buildin'. My daughter Jill wants to know, what did ya think of her song?

[The Wildermeyers throw more tomatoes at Jill from off screen.]

Embarrassment [9.25]

Season 10 (1990)

Blame [10.1]

Mr. Schidtler: (angry) All right CLASS!! I figured out who wrote that on the blackboard! You didn't think I could did you? Well I did. Amy, you have an awful lot of nerve for a little girl. What you wrote was rude, vulgar and unacceptable! You will come up here and erase that from the blackboard! (Brings Amy to the blackboard to erase a giant "THAT") And another thing young lady, you will have a six month detention!

Christian: Carlos, what's going on?

Carlos: Someone just told the teacher that "that" is a four letter word.

Mr. Schidtler: Carlos, did I hear you using a four letter word?!

Carlos: Nope. Nope. N-O-P-E. Nope.

Jennifer: (filming the pots and pans on the stove, which are boiling over, with a video camera) And... Cue!

Mrs. Prevert: (enters the kitchen, sees the pots and pans boiling over, and shrieks) My dinner party... ruined! Jennifer, how could you?!

Jennifer: How could I what?

Mrs. Prevert: You said you would watch the pots and pans!

Jennifer: Well, yes, I was watching them. Better than that, I was videotaping them!

Mrs. Prevert: Then WHY didn't you turn them OFF?

Jennifer: Well, you said to watch the pots and pans. You said nothing about turning them off when they started to boil over. Say what you mean, Mom.

Amy: (in bed) Mom, Dad, can I have a glass of water?

(Amy is watered.)

Mrs. Prevert: (enters bedroom carrying water glass) You know, Amy, you're a big girl, you could be doing this your-... AMY! You wet the bed again! You're supposed to be a big girl, young lady! I'm going to have to put you back into diapers!

Amy: But Mom, it wasn't me, it...

Mrs. Prevert: Now, Amy, don't lie to me. If you didn't wet this bed, who did?

Amy: Well... I don't know...

(Amy is slimed.)

Mrs. Prevert: Now look what you've done, young lady. (holds out water glass to Amy) Drink?