[Examining the contents of the box that Darcy gave to find inspiration] "Nobody panic, this is supposed to be fun." Alright, I can do this, I'm a professional. [Reaches into the box and pulls out..] Lipstick, alright. Lipstick on a guy's collar? No, women will hate that. Lipstick on a guy's collar that won't rub off. No, that's much worse. Okay, I need to start thinking like a broad. [Closes his eyes] Alright, I'm a broad. I see lipstick...[Sniffs the lipstick] on a dark-haired Tahitian beauty standing under a waterfall, wearing nothing but a thong, and water cascading down her back- [His eyes shoot open] I'm a lesbian!
[Drunkedly singing along with the song Bitch ] I'm a bitch, I'm a mother, I'm a brother, it's confusing, as I volumize my hair, and I am not aware...
[After going through a painful attempt to wax his leg hair] Women are insane. Who would do that more than once? ...Why would they do the other leg?
Why do guys like to do it in front of a mirror? Because "objects appear larger than they actually are".
You know that whole deal about "penis envy"? Not true. No. Half of women don't even like it. You know who has penis envy? We do. That's why we cheat and we lie, because we're all obsessed with our own equipment!
I don't want that to be it. I don't want that to be it at all.