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What's Up, Doc?

1972 film by Peter Bogdanovich

What's Up, Doc? is a 1972 film about four identical plaid overnight bags and the people who own them.

Story by Peter Bogdanovich. Screenplay by Buck Henry and David Newman & Robert Benton. Directed by Peter Bogdanovich.

A screwball comedy. Remember them? taglines

Judy Maxwell

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  • ...not as much as I am in the metamorphic or sedimentary rock categories. I mean I can take your igneous rocks or leave them. I relate primarily to micas, quartz, feldspar. You can keep your pyroxenes, magnetites and coarse-grained plutonics as far as I'm concerned...
  • Eunice!? This is a person named Eunice?
  • I love those old Ventegums.
  • It so happens, Mr. Simon, that Howard has had discussions with Leonard Bernstein about the possibility of conducting an avalanche ... in E flat.
  • Hi, Room Service, this is Room 1717. I would like a double-thick roast beef sandwich medium rare on rye bread with mustard on the top, mayonnaise on the bottom, and a coffee hot fudge sundae with a large bottle of diet anything. You got that? Yeah, Room 1717. Oh, and Room Service, would you put it in the hall outside the door. I mean, don’t bring it in or knock on the door because I’m just putting my little one to sleep. Thank you.
  • What do you think I am, a piece of ripe fruit you can squeeze the juice out of and cast aside?
  • Why Ms. Burns, what are you doing in Mr. Banister's bedroom? Don't you know the meaning of propriety?

Dr. Howard Bannister

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  • ...you are not Burnsy. Burnsy is Burnsy, I mean Eunice is Burnsy, I mean she isn't Burnsy. Nobody is Burnsy.
  • It's the television set, Eunice. There's a movie on—a war movie. They're getting dressed for the big battle.
  • Well, there's not much to see actually, we're inside a Chinese dragon.
  • The point is, the point is... oh god, I've forgotten my point.

Eunice Burns

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  • Why, those are Howard's. What on Earth are you doing with Howard Bannister's rocks?
  • Don't kick those rocks, you Philistine!
  • Don’t you know the meaning of propriety?

Hugh Simon

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  • There is an old Croatian saying, Bollixter, which goes...
  • I find that story as difficult to swallow as I do this potage au gelée.
  • I myself have a little announcement to make, that may be of some interest. My natural curiosity was aroused, an so I did a little research on Mr. Bankister and Miss Burns, and I think--
  • The slight mistake, Mesdames and Messieurs, is in the so-called identity of these alleged colleagues. I don't know who he is, but she is definitely not herself.
  • For God's sake, don't shoot me, I'm part Italian.

Frederick Larrabee

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  • This is inexcusable. You can't come in here uninvited.
  • Who is that dangerously unbalanced woman?
  • Don't you dare strike that brave unbalanced woman!

Fritz

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  • Snakes, as you know, live in mortal fear of tile.
  • You will tell her you are smitten with her, that you had followed her all evening, and you will make passionate love to her.
  • There is no Hans. There is only me, Fritz.

Taxi Driver

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  • I know how you feel, mister. I hate it when my igneous rocks are even touched!

Judge Maxwell

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  • You've made me smash my Life Savers.
  • Tell them to bring straight jacket! In assorted sizes!
  • Do you see this yellow pill? You know what it's for? It's to remind me to take this blue pill!
  • I will get to the bottom of this if it takes me the rest of my life, which may end at any minute!

Dialogue

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Eunice: Howard! Howard Bannister! Howard, when I ask for you to wait for me somewhere I expect you to stay there until I come back.
Howard: Yes, Eunice.
Eunice: Now, it is difficult enough for me to have to see to all these arrangements myself...
Howard: Yes, Eunice.
Eunice: It is exactly 6:15. If we reach the hotel in half an hour, we'll have just enough time to get ready for the banquet.
Howard: Yes, Eunice.
Eunice: [to the airport attendant] Put these things in a taxi.
Airport Attendant Yes, Eunice.
Judge Maxwell: You there; you in the blanket! You seem to have caused all this trouble. Exactly what have you got to say for yourself...? [The mystery figure lowers the blanket, revealing herself as...] ...JUDY!?
Judy: ...Hello, Daddy.
Judge Maxwell: [as if he might cry] Oh, Judy, not again!! This is an ELECTION YEAR!! [Judy shrugs, as her father's bench collapses]
Judy: Aw c'mon, Steve, you don't want to marry Eunice.
Howard: I'm not Steve. I'm Howard.
Judy: Well neither of you wants to marry Eunice.
Howard: Why do you say that?
Judy: Because you don't want to marry someone who's gonna get all wrinkled, lined, and flabby.
Howard: Everybody gets wrinkled, lined, and flabby!
Judy: By next week?
Fritz: Young miss, may I help you please?
Judy: Yes, I was wondering if my friends are still here. They're visiting from the um... New Hebrides and I believe they're in Room 1717.
Fritz: I'm sorry, but that room is vacant.
Judy: I don't understand. They told me they would be in Room 1717 at the Hotel Crystal.
Fritz: This is the Bristol, madam, not the Crystal.
Judy: Then one of us must be in the wrong hotel.
Fritz: Ah, Mrs. Van Hoskins. It's so nice to have you back with us.
Mrs. Van Hoskins: Thank you, Hans.
Fritz: Fritz.
Mrs. Van Hoskins: What happened to Hans?
Fritz: There is no Hans, Mrs. Van Hoskins, there is only me, Fritz.
Mrs. Van Hoskins: Oh, what a shame!
Fritz: [ringing his bell] Boy!
Mrs. Van Hoskins: Now Franz, I'm going to take this with me. There are some things I need tonight, and tomorrow I want you to put it in the hotel safe for me.
Howard: [to the bellhop] Don't touch that. Those are my pre-Paleozoic Tambulu rocks.
Fritz: Don't touch his rocks.
Eunice: Where have you been?
Howard: I had a little trouble in the drug store.
Judy: Steve, you didn't tell me you were married.
Howard: We're not married.
Judy: Congratulations.
Eunice: But we will be soon.
Judy: Condolences.
Eunice: [to Howard] Who is this person?
Howard: I haven't the vaguest idea. She was behind a rock in the drug store.
Judy: Oh come on Steve, you can tell her about us.
Eunice: Why is she calling you that name?
Howard: Don't pay any attention to her, Eunice. [turning to Judy] Look, Miss Maxwell--
Eunice: You know her name.
Howard: Eunice, I swear this is a bizarre joke.
Judy: Sure, it's easy for you, everywhere you go, another heart broken--women, women, women. You call it joking. Eunice and I, we call it lust.
Eunice: Don't you know the meaning of propriety?
Judy: Propriety? Noun. Conformity to established standards of behavior or manners, suitability, rightness, or justice. See "etiquette."
Judy: ...it's probably the excitement of meeting you for the first time. I must say, I can feel it myself.
Mr. Larrabee: Oh can you?
Judy: Can I?! My heart is going a mile a minute. Why, you can just feel it pounding. Can't you feel it?
Mr. Larrabee: Yes, I think I can. I... Yes, it's absolutely... it's certainly in there pounding... it's amazing. [to the others at the table] You should feel it gentlemen. [gentlemen rise]
Mr. Larrabee: Sit DOWN, gentlemen!
Mr. Larrabee: I must point out that "foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds."
Judy: Emerson!
Mr. Larrabee: I beg your pardon my dear?
Judy: Ralph Waldo Emerson, born 1803, died 1882.
Mr. Larrabee: You like Emerson?
Judy: I adore him!
Mr. Larrabee: I adore anyone who adores Emerson.
Judy: And I adore anyone who adores anyone who adores Emerson. Your turn.
Howard: [Somebody knocks; the doorknob falls off] Come in; it's broken - I mean, it's open. [Kaltenborn enters] Good morning.
Mr. Kaltenborn: No, I don't think so. I'm Mr. Kaltenborn, the manager of what's left of the hotel.
Howard: I'm sorry about the mess here. Usually this kind of thing doesn't happen to me.
Mr. Kaltenborn: Doctor Bannister, I have a message for you from the staff of the hotel.
Howard: What is it?
Mr. Kaltenborn: Goodbye.
Howard: That's the entire message?
Mr. Kaltenborn: We would appreciate it, if you would check out.
Howard: When?
Mr. Kaltenborn: Yesterday.
Howard: That soon?
Mr. Kaltenborn: We'll settle for immediately.
Delivery boy: I want my bike back!
Judge Maxwell: I'll give you your bike back. I'll give you a broken back!
Mr. Larrabee: They broke into my home.
Judge Maxwell: That's breaking and entering.
Mr. Larrabee: And they brought her with them forcibly.
Judge Maxwell: That's kidnapping.
Eunice: They tried to molest me.
Judge Maxwell: That's... unbelievable.
Howard: First, there was this trouble between me and Hugh.
Judge Maxwell: You and me?
Howard: No, not you, Hugh.
Hugh: I am Hugh.
Judge Maxwell: You are me?
Hugh: No, I am Hugh.
Judge Maxwell: Stop saying that. Make him stop saying that.
Hugh: Don't touch me, I'm a doctor.
Judge Maxwell: Of what?
Hugh: Music.
Judge Maxwell: Can you fix a hi-fi?
Hugh: No, sir.
Judge Maxwell: Then shut up!
[at 1:28]
Frederick Larrabee: C'est la vie.
Hugh Simon: C'est la guerre.
Judy Maxwell: C'est la dreck.
Judy Maxwell: [Talking so Howard can hear]: No, no. I'm a transfer student. No, not the University -- the Conservatory of Music. It's in Ames. You never heard of it? Well, it's a small conservatory, but there are those who love it. There's a professor there whom I hope to be studying with. A brilliant man by the name of Howard Bannister. No, Bannister. As in: sliding down the. You never heard of him? Yeah, that's right! The nut with the rocks! What's up, Doc?
Howard: Did you know that I love you?
Judy Maxwell: Yes.
Howard: You did? Do?
Judy Maxwell: Listen, kiddo. You can't fight a tidal wave.
[They kiss]
Howard: About those things. I mean, the way I acted back there. I'm sorry.
Judy Maxwell: Let me tell you something. Love means never having to say you're sorry.
Howard: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
[They kiss again]

Taglines

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  • A screwball comedy. Remember them?

Cast

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See also

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