Veronica Mars

Veronica Mars (2004–2007, stylized as veronica MARS) is a television program on The CW Television Network, created by Rob Thomas. The series premiered on September 22, 2004, during UPN's last two years, and ended on May 22, 2007 after a season on The CW. After her best friend is murdered, and her father is removed as county sheriff, Veronica Mars dedicates her life to cracking the toughest mysteries in the affluent town of Neptune.

Please read Veronica Mars/Format for notes on how to use and edit this article.

Season 1	Season 2	Season 3	Season 4 (Kickstartr-funded)
Pilot	Normal Is the Watchword	Welcome Wagon	[[#\|]]
Credit Where Credit's Due	Driver Ed	My Big Fat Greek Rush Week	[[#\|]]
Meet John Smith	Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang	Witchita Linebacker	[[#\|]]
The Wrath of Con	Green-Eyed Monster	Charlie Don't Surf	Watching Harlots
You Think You Know Somebody	Blast from the Past	President Evil	[[#\|]]
Return of the Kane	Rat Saw God	Hi, Infidelity	[[#\|]]
The Girl Next Door	Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner	Of Vice and Men	[[#\|]]
Like a Virgin	Ahoy, Mateys!	Lord of the Pi's	[[#\|]]
Drinking the Kool-Aid	My Mother, the Fiend	Spit & Eggs	[[#\|]]
An Echolls Family Christmas	One Angry Veronica	Show Me the Monkey	[[#\|]]
Silence of the Lamb	Donut Run	Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves	[[#\|]]
Clash of the Tritons	Rashard and Wallace Go to White Castle	There's Got to Be a Morning After Pill	[[#\|]]
Lord of the Bling	Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough	Postgame Mortem	[[#\|]]
Mars vs. Mars	Versatile Toppings	Mars, Bars	[[#\|]]
Ruskie Business	The Quick and the Wed	Papa's Cabin	[[#\|]]
Betty and Veronica	The Rapes of Graff	Un-American Graffiti	[[#\|]]
Kanes and Abel’s	Plan B	Debasement Tapes	[[#\|]]
Weapons of Class Destruction	I Am God	I Know What You'll Do Next Summer	[[#\|]]
Hot Dogs	Nevermind the Buttocks	Weevils Wobble But They Don't Go Down	[[#\|]]
M.A.D.	Look Who’s Stalking	The Bitch Is Back	[[#\|]]
A Trip to the Dentist	Happy Go Lucky	[[#\|]]	Cast
Leave It to Beaver	Not Pictured	[[#\|]]	External links

Season 1

Pilot

Veronica: "Hope springs eternal in the human breast; Man never Is, but always to be blest: the soul, uneasy and confined from home, rests and expatiates in a life to come."

Mrs. Murphy: And what do you suppose Pope meant by that?

Veronica: Life's a bitch until you die.

Weevil: Sister. The only time I care what a woman has to say is when she's riding my big old hog. Even then, it's not so much words, just a bunch of "oohs" and "ahs" you know?

Veronica: So it's big, huh?

Weevil: Legendary.

Veronica: Well , let's see it. I mean if it's as big as you say, I'll be your girlfriend. [bats eyes and gasps] We could go to prom together. What? What seems to be the problem? I'm on a schedule here, vato.

Felix Toombs: Weevil, don't let blondie talk to you like that.

Veronica: Sounds like your buddy here wants to see it too.

Felix: Oh, hell, I'll show you mine!

Vice Principal Clemmons: Felix Toombs. What on God's green Earth is going on here? All right, gentleman, move along. [Weevil, Felix and others leave] Veronica, why does trouble follow you around? [Clemmons leaves]

Fire Chief: [about Veronica] Well, if it isn't Smokey the Barely Legal.

Logan: Hey, Veronica Mars. Do you know what your little joke cost me?

Veronica: Well, I'm pretty sure you won't be getting your bong back.

Logan: [smashes a headlight] Wrong answer. Would you care to guess again?

Veronica: Clearly your sense of humor.

Logan: [smashes other headlight] Nope. And you're usually so good at pop quizzes. No, the correct answer is: my car. That's right, my Daddy took my T-bird away. And you know what I won't be having? Fun, fun, fun.

Wallace: I suddenly feel like I'm in a scene from The Outsiders.

Veronica: Be cool, Sodapop.

Credit Where Credit's Due

Wallace: Another big Friday night. You got plans?

Veronica: I don't know. I might take Backup for a run or rent a movie, maybe.

Wallace: Hey, congratulations. You are officially Neptune High's most boring person.

Veronica: Did I mention the movie might be PG-13?

Wallace: Oh, jump back, wild child!

Veronica: What about you, Wallace? Your life still a non-stop Nelly video?

Wallace: Hey, at least I want my life to be a non-stop Nelly video.

Veronica: I gotta run. The counselor wants to see me before class.

Keith: About what?

Veronica: Uh, my schedule and my attitude, not necessarily in that order. Her words.

Veronica: I printed out the entire browser history from Logan Echolls's computer in his fourth period computer lab class.

Wallace: So is he guilty?

Veronica: Well, of wanting desperately to see pictures of Alyssa Milano naked, yes.

Troy: Flat?

Veronica: Just as God made me.

Troy: Are you always this persnickety?

Veronica: Sometimes I'm even persnicketier.

Veronica: [voiceover] They gave me a choice. I could stand by my dad, or stand by Duncan and my dead best friend's family. I chose Dad. It's a decision I live with every day. And you want to know the kicker? I don't even know what's true anymore. Maybe everyone else is right. Maybe Dad screwed up the investigation. Maybe I gave up my circle of friends - my life - over an error in Dad's judgment.

Meet John Smith

Troy: Guess what I'm doing this weekend.

Veronica: I'm guessing it involves autoeroticism.

Keith: Have you been playing nice with the other children?

Veronica: You know Dad, I'm old school, an eye for an eye.

Keith: I think that's actually Old Testament.

Keith: So how did she rope you into this?

Wallace: She promised me all the answer keys to… Just promised to be my friend.

Keith: I'd have held out for a better offer.

Keith: It's just that I never want you to think your mom's the villain in all this.

Veronica: Isn't she?

Keith: No, it's not that simple.

Veronica: Yeah, it is. The hero is the one that stays and the villain is the one that splits.

Keith: I don't think that's a healthy perspective.

Veronica: It's healthier than me pining away every day, praying she'll come home.

Veronica: [voiceover] Tragedy blows through your life like a tornado, uprooting everything, creating chaos. You wait for the dust to settle, and then you choose. You can live in the wreckage and pretend it's still the mansion you remember. Or you can crawl from the rubble and slowly rebuild. Because after disaster strikes, the important thing is that you move on. But if you're like me, you just keep chasing the storm. (pause) The problem with chasing the storm is that it wears you down, breaks your spirit. Even the experts agree, a girl needs closure.

The Wrath of Con

[Veronica arrives home from a date.]

Veronica: So, what did you think of him?

Keith: Oh, hey, you're home early.

Veronica: Oh, hey, did you run his license plate or did you get fingerprints?

Keith: I'm sorry, honey, what?

Veronica: You know you're not fooling me.

Keith: Okay. Veronica, I have no idea what you're talking about. [Veronica scoffs and starts to go to her room] Oh, hey, I forgot to tell you. If he's gonna be kissing my daughter on my porch for eight-and-a-half minutes, I'll need to meet him. Sweet dreams, honey.

Veronica: Is that really necessary?

Keith: He's taking up a lot of daddy/daughter time.

Wallace: It's not going to work. You can't take the cool out of me. Look, pocket protector and I'm still full of pimp juice.

[Playing "I Never"]

Logan: I've never taken matters into my own hand in the boys' locker room after watching the cheerleader tryouts.

[Veronica and Lilly gasp]

Duncan: Dude, you are so dead.

Lilly: Very pervy, Duncan. I'm a little impressed though.

Logan: You must drink, comrade.

Veronica: Please tell me that was before we started dating.

Duncan: [drinking] Of course. I've never, um, I've never seen my parents having sex. [Lilly drinks, everyone gasps] No way, no way.

Lilly: Yeah, I went into their room to borrow Mom's black sweater.

Duncan: No, just shut up.

Lilly: Mom was on top of Dad.

Duncan: Oh my God, I don't wanna see this!

Lilly: Hold on a second! She was like this. Watch. She was like this. [moaning] Ohh. Ohh. [yawning] Ohh.

Duncan: Lilly, that is so wrong.

Lilly: I think Dad probably thought so too.

Keith: So, Veronica tells me, um, well, actually she hasn't told me anything about you.

Troy: Well, I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Keith: Neither do I. [both laugh]

Troy: Well, if you have any questions or you know, you want a list of references or anything...

Keith: So, you going to the homecoming dance?

Troy: Oh yes, sir, if that's okay with you.

Keith: Oh, of course. And after the dance?

Troy: Well I think that Veronica said that she had to be right home after.

Keith: Yeah, good. And you're gonna stay for the whole dance. I mean, you're not gonna leave early and go to a party or a hotel, and still make it back by curfew?

Troy: No, uh, I mean, the whole point of going to the dance... is to go to the dance.

Keith: Good. Good. So you won't mind then, that I canceled your reservation at the Four Seasons?

Duncan: Oh, my God. They called the cops.

Veronica: They called my dad.

Lilly: This is like, the best dance EVER.

You Think You Know Somebody

Veronica: [to Troy, about Logan] Uh, your monkey's gonna have to ride in the back.

Logan: Ha ha. Nice car. God, it must've been a huge cereal box.

Veronica: [voiceover] You know those people who can predict when change is coming in their life? I'm not one of them. Change has a way of just walking up and punching me in the face.

Veronica: So far it's been a whole lot of brick walls, but I talked to my buddy Earl yesterday at the impound yard.

Troy: What do I love more? That you have a buddy named Earl or that he works at the impound yard?

Veronica: I'm guessing both. No sign of the Beamer. But he can get you a great deal on a Good Times van.

Troy: I'll pass that on to my dad when he gets back. Maybe it'll take his mind off of loading his gun.

Veronica: Here's a thought: If Tijuana was Logan's idea, then stealing the car could have been the master plan.

Troy: It was more of a meeting of the minds, if you will.

Veronica: Ah, so what was on the menu for this night of grand debauchery?

Troy: Let's see, uh, from eight to nine, we brainstormed on how to overthrow Kim Jong Il. From nine to ten, we deleted the records of the black voters of Florida. After that, it was, uh, yeah, it was all donkey shows.

Veronica: Ah, so the usual?

Troy: Pretty much.

Veronica: I obviously know nothing about relationships.

Keith: But you can bake, and that's important.

Return of the Kane

Duncan: Thanks, Dad. You know, I polled the rest of the soccer team. None of them want to see my junk.

Jake: Well, now you're covered.

Veronica: Tough day?

Keith: [imitating Phillip Marlowe] That ain't the half of it. See, this dame walks in, and you should've seen the getaway sticks on her. Says something's hinky with her old man.

Veronica: [imitating Marlowe] Did ya put the screws to him?

Keith: You ain't kiddin', he sang like a canary.

Veronica: [normal voice] You're in luck, Phillip Marlowe, because it's dessert for dinner night, and I've got a sundae thing set up here.

Keith: [normal voice] If child services finds out about this, they will take you away.

Veronica: Well, that's a risk I'm willing to take.

Keith: Honey, shouldn't we try something at the base of the food pyramid? You know - fruits and vegetables.

Veronica: [gasps] What is that? A maraschino cherry?

Lilly: Check you out, Veronica Mars. You're like a rocker chick now. You and I, we'd have a lot of fun together. Yeah, if, um, if I wasn't dead and stuff.

Veronica: Why are you here?

Lilly: Don't you watch any horror movies? My soul is doomed to walk the earth until justice has been served.

Veronica: Really?

Lilly: Yeah, that, and as kinda a side project, I dispense fashion advice.

Ms. Dent: Good morning, Veronica. I was thinking maybe you'd be interested in covering the election for the student newspaper.

Veronica: Sure, I'll write it up this afternoon.

Ms. Dent: The election's tomorrow.

Veronica: And I can already see the headline: "Brown-Nosing Resumé Packer Wins in a Landslide."

The Girl Next Door

Clemmons: Mr. Echolls, I was wondering if I could have a word?

Logan: "Anthropomorphic." All yours, big guy.

Clemmons: Oh. [fake laugh] Your father has generously offered to donate a pair of boots for our school fundraising auction.

Logan: Not the ones made for walking? God, I love those boots.

Logan: They teach you manners in ESL?

Weevil: If I was gonna cheat, don't you think I'd pick somebody smart?

Logan: If you "was gonna"?

Mr. Daniels: Ah, alas, you both get zeroes. No talking during tests.

Logan: I guess Mrs. Daniels ain't giving it up at home, huh?

Mr. Daniels: You know, the glow of your father's wealth and celebrity may be enough to sustain you through high school, Mr. Echolls, but do you know what it will get you in the real world?

Logan: [sarcastically] Please say "high school English teacher." Please...say "high school English teacher." [Weevil snickers]

Mr. Daniels: Mr. Navarro. I wonder if you'll find Mr. Echolls so amusing ten years from now - when you're pumping his gas.

Mr Daniels: This is punishment, gentlemen, not party time.

Logan: Well, that would explain the absence of balloon animals.

Veronica: Did you hear something last night?

Keith: What kind of something?

Veronica: Like a loud thump from upstairs.

Keith: I don't know. But you know me, I can sleep through an earthquake. Why?

Veronica: I don't know. It sounded like a falling body. It really freaked me out.

Keith: A falling body?

Veronica: Yes, a falling body.

Keith: Would you describe the sound as "Hitchcockian"?

Veronica: I'm glad you're able to entertain yourself.

Keith: Oh, sweetie, don't sell yourself short. I find you completely entertaining.

Veronica: Think I've got a future in the biz?

Keith: I think you've got a future as a highly paid Ivy League-educated executive of some sort who never thinks about private investigation again in her perfect life. Now... let's do something normal fathers and daughters do.

Veronica: Buy me a pony?

Keith: I was thinking I'd watch TV and you'd rub my feet.

Veronica: Hmm. Yeah, that's normal.

Like a Virgin

Meg: Veronica? Did you find your clothes? [looks down at the toilet to see Veronica's clothes almost flushed]

Veronica: Well, does this towel make me look fat?

Meg: You need something to wear? [they walk out of school with Veronica wearing a cheerleading uniform] I usually have sweats in my locker. Sorry.

Veronica: No, this is perfect. I just have to resist the urge to do a cartwheel.

Keith: Wallace's mom had a plan, and I didn't want to overstep.

Veronica: Overstepping is your main form of transportation.

Veronica: Oh, God.

Mac: What?

Veronica: My outbox. There's an e-mail from me to my ex-boyfriend.

Mac: Duncan Kane? [Veronica looks at Mac] You used to be all anyone gossiped about. You still are. Just... a different way. So, what does it say?

Veronica: "Dear Duncan, I want you to know that I still love you very much, and I think about you constantly. Every time I see you, my heart breaks. I need to tell you that when we were dating, I had VD. I hope you didn't catch anything from me." Am I naked? Because in my nightmares, I'm usually naked.

Veronica: Funny. No one's come running up to me.

Meg: It's because people are afraid of you.

Veronica: Then something's working.

Meg: Getting tough? Yeah, that was good advice. And I needed that. The getting even part? You might want to rethink that one. You do have friends, Veronica.

'Meg: You believe me?

Veronica: Meg, you're the last good person at this school. I'd believe cartoon birds braided your hair this morning. If you want, I can find who posted that test for you. We'll clear your name and make somebody pay.

Meg: Really?

Veronica: Unless there is a Fairy godmother already on it.

Drinking the Kool-Aid

Keith: It's a waterbed.

Veronica: Alright.

Keith: Come on, you've wanted one of these things since, like, you were 5 years old.

Veronica: I also wanted to marry Vanilla Ice and build the world's largest collection of Zbots.

Wallace: Hacky Sack? The final arena of unquestioned white domination.

Veronica: Dad, you're an ex-cop. You know gangland-enforcer types. Can't you find someone to intimidate the maintenance supe into fixing the hot water problem?

Veronica: [voiceover] Forbidden barn? Check. Implied polygamy? Check. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a cult.

Veronica: [voiceover] I can't get it out of my mind. Somewhere in Pennsylvania a lab tech is determining if I'm heir to a billion-dollar fortune. It's not about the money. It's about making Jake Kane pay. But if I am an heiress, [Southern accent] as God is my witness, I'll never take cold showers again!

An Echolls Family Christmas

Veronica: Someone stole your laptop?

Duncan: There was this poker game at Logan's last night. Weevil won five grand and someone stole the money. This is his way of collecting.

Veronica: You lie down with dogs, you're gonna get fleas.

Duncan: I didn't invite him.

Veronica: I wasn't talking about Weevil.

Veronica: [tilts head] Hey.

Weevil: See, there you go with that head tilt thing. You know, you think you're all bad-ass, but whenever you need something, it's all [mimics Veronica's head tilt] "Hey."

Veronica: Just be glad I don't flip my hair. I'd own you.

Veronica: [voiceover] What was I thinking? Christmas in Neptune is, was, and always will be, about the trappings: the lights and the tinsel they use to cover up the sordidness, the corruption. No, Veronica, there is no Santa Claus.

Veronica: Oh, I am so sick of not having money. I'd be the best rich person. Seriously. I'd be the perfect combination of frivolous and sensible. Money is so wasted on the wealthy.

Veronica: You know.. there are some people who think Christmas is about the birth of Christ, not baseball.

Keith: Well.. we're all entitled to our own religions Veronica.

Silence of the Lamb

Keith: You don't go to the Oceanside bars that the college kids hang out at, do you?

Veronica: I prefer the biker bar by the train station. I get more attention there.

Jackson: I hear you do detective stuff for people.

Veronica: I do favors for friends.

Jackson: I can pay.

Veronica: Sit down, friend.

Lamb: Veronica Mars. Is your daddy here or is he busy peeking in people's windows?

Veronica: You stop dressing up like Little Bo Peep, he'll stop peeking.

Mac: [to Veronica] With your sleuth prowess and my programming skills, I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that we would rule the entire known universe.

Lamb: Strapping on a guitar... does it get rid of feelings of inadequacy?

Gabe: Does strapping on a gun?

Clash of the Tritons

Veronica: [in jail] Know any good lawyers?

Cliff: Very cute. I know an adequate one that just posted your $500 bail.

Veronica: They take Diner's Club here?

Wallace: This mission better involve me seducing the head cheerleader.

Veronica: I need you to poke around and see if you can get me a fake ID. If you must seduce the head cheerleader in order to accomplish your mission, so be it.

Wallace: No sweat! How do I do it?

Veronica: Play on her insecurity.

Wallace: I meant the fake ID.

Wallace sits on the couch next to veronica." Hey veronica" he says In a hushed tone. "What?" "I need you to get me a fake ID so I can get some fake action from a fake cheerleader." "I need you to find out who else at school is making them."

Miss James: You know what, it sounds like you blame Veronica.

Logan: You know, Veronica was my friend too. And if she hadn't ratted me out, then Lilly and I would have stayed together. And Lilly wouldn't have been alone that day. I would have been there. So, yeah, I blame Veronica. And I blame myself for being stupid. And I blame Lilly for being a bitch that week.

Miss James: You know, there is another way of looking at this, Logan. If you'd still been together, you might be dead too.

Logan: And what is so great about living?

[Veronica]: [In Lamb's office] And I'll be over here chillin' like a villain.

Lamb: [reading off of a $50 bill] Veronica Mars is... smarter than me.

Veronica: [slaps Lamb playfully] Oh, you stop it!

Lord of the Bling

Veronica: Next time remember: Lift drunk combative bail-jumpers with your legs, not your back.

Keith: Hey honey, what's cooking?

Veronica: Not sure myself. Something that ends in -aroni.

Aaron: Have you heard from your sister?

Logan: She sent a telegram. Heartbroken. Stop. Can't make it back from Sydney. Stop. Underwater shoot starts tomorrow. Stop. Entire crew said prayer for Mom. Stop. Love you. Stop.

Aaron: Logan...

Logan: Stop?

Lilly: I'm ditching his party this weekend 'cause I don't want him getting all crazy violent every time a boy undresses me with his eyes, which happens all the time. It's not my fault. I can't help it--God made me fabulous.

Logan: You know what Mom would have wanted? She would have wanted you to not sleep with all her friends. She would have wanted you to care as much about her as your career. So okay, Dad, let's be honest. Maybe we both wished we'd been better. But she's only gone because of you.

Mars vs. Mars

Logan: There's a woman who saw my mom get out of her car and get in a van with a "mysterious stranger."

Veronica: There's also a jungle tribe that worships Donald Trump's hair. It's a tabloid.

Logan: So the girl with a pig arm can't really bowl?

Veronica: I just don't want you to get your hopes up.

Logan: I'm not paying you to worry about my hopes; I'm paying you to follow leads.

Veronica: I wasn't aware you were paying me.

Logan: This isn't a favor. It's a job, you know. I mean, we're not exchanging friendship bracelets.

Veronica: I'll stop braiding.

[Trying to filch info on her father's case, Veronica sets off a blue-dye packet in a trap he set for her.]

Keith: Hey, honey. What have you been up to?

Veronica: Tell me where to put your Father of the Year trophy, 'cause there's some place I'd like to put it!

Keith: Wow. Good thing I didn't go with the bear trap.

Veronica: This is not funny! I need to see that diary! She's lying. I know it. I can feel it with every fiber of my being.

Keith: Honey, you don't have to get all blue in the face.

Veronica: You're patronizing me?

Keith: To be fair, I am your patron.

[Veronica is looking at a trophy case.]

Weevil: If you're looking for my trophy, it's back by auto shop.

Veronica: Lube job? Or, can you medal in stealing hub caps?

Weevil: Is this 1970? Rims, baby.

Veronica: So you got a trophy for a rim job?

Weevil: Forget it. Look, I got some information for you.

Veronica: Finally! A Deep Throat to call my own.

Weevil: I'm not going to touch that one.

Ruskie Business

Veronica: How hard can it be to find an actor named Tom Cruz?

Wallace: Tom Cruise? Not as good a private eye as I thought.

Wallace: Damn. This dog is a freak show. He oughta be in show biz.

Veronica: D'you think that's some kind of rare breed or something?

Wallace: That or a drunk dingo had a three-way with an ocelot and a porcupine.

Wallace: Mexican hairless. What's the point of having a dog if it's bald? What are you gonna pet? Skin?

Keith: Don't forget. You're a high school girl. Do some high school girl things now and then.

Veronica: Relax, Dad. I'm cutting pictures of Ashton out of Teen People as we speak.

Meg: [about Leo] Wow, Veronica, he totally wants to protect and serve you.

Betty and Veronica

Duncan: Great game the other night man. Eighteen points, eight assists.

Wallace: On the streets we call those dimes.

Veronica: Streets? You live on the corner of Pleasant Valley and Marigold.

Veronica: [as "Betty"] At my old school I was Horny! [receives odd looks] We were the Rhinos. I was the mascot.

Richie: And what school was that?

Veronica: Riverdale.

Richie: Never heard of it.

Weevil: Wait a minute. You went to a pet store and took a picture of yourself with a parrot so people would think you were cool?

Wilson: Yeah. All right?

Weevil: That's this close [uses thumb and finger to illustrate] to taking a hot cousin to your prom. Go home.

Leo: I hate to bribe you, but... I'm fairly certain that aiding and abetting qualifies me for a dinner date.

Veronica: Actually, it qualifies you for dinner and a movie, but you undershot, so...

Leo: Damn!

Veronica: Can you do me a weird favor without asking any questions?

Wallace: Isn't that the bedrock upon which our friendship was founded?

Kanes and Abel's

Veronica: Caz, I'm kind of busy so let's play this at fast forward. I ask you to stop harassing Sabrina Fuller. You deny it. I eventually catch you. You're suspended, dropped from basketball and made the subject of a news blurb that everyone chuckles at in the papers. So stop harassing Sabrina, okay?

Caz: Look, I'm not harassing Sabrina.

Veronica: Caz, did you listen?

Keith: Look, I don't know if you were looking for "Pimp" in the phone book and just stopped at P.I....

Veronica: Hello? Yes, this is 'Miss Sabrina'. A bad boy? Well...Nestor Greely of Encinitas, twenty grand on credit cards, two divorces, and a repo'd Sebring. You have been a bad boy! Miss Sabrina commands you: put your pants back on and get a job!

Jake: You are having sex with my daughter?

Weevil: Not right now.

Keith: Guess who stopped by today?

Veronica: If you say Josh Hartnett, I'm gonna be so bummed.

Weapons of Class Destruction

[Veronica enters the house after kissing deputy Leo goodnight.]

Keith: Veronica, we need to talk.

Veronica: [in Southern accent] He's a fine gentleman, Pa. He'll come up with the dowry to marry me, just you wait.

Veronica: Dear Seventeen, how can I tell if the really cute boy in my class has a crush on me? No, strike that. Dear Seventeen, how can I tell if the really cute boy in my class murdered his sister?

Wallace: He's not gropin' her, is he?

Veronica: No, but earlier I saw him cutting a hole in the bottom of the popcorn bucket.

Ben: [talking to Veronica] Is it okay if he goes outside? [referring to Logan] I would like to talk to you.

Logan: Dream on, Jump Street, I'm not leaving you alone with her.

[Veronica calls Mac for yet another computer-tech favor.]

Mac: What did you ever do before you met me?

Veronica: Ever see the first 10 minutes of 2001: A Space Odyssey? It was a lot like that.

Hot Dogs

Logan: So, what do you think?

Veronica: Like, in general? Or is there a specific area on which you'd like my opinion?

Trina: Pop Tart?

Logan: Hmmm, a Tart from a tart.

Trina: Ye of the sickle wit. Can I ask you something?

Logan: Hmm, would you look at that? [mimics pulling something from his mouth] There was a string attached to my Pop Tart. [tosses away imaginary string]

Trina: Yeah. Well, I'm in a little bit of a jam, and I could use a loan.

Logan: [stops his stopwatch] Twelve hours to hit me up for my dead mother's money. Hmmm, I wonder who had that in the pool.

Trina: You know I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important.

Logan: Oh, I do. I do.

Trina: Could I just borrow ten grand? Just for a little while.

Logan: Ten grand?!

Trina: Will you just hear me out, please? My boyfriend Dylan spotted me some cash a few months ago, and now he's bugging me about it. I — I can't get him off my back.

Logan: Did you try standing up?

Trina: Is Dad still at dinner?

Logan: Yeah, but he's not far. I'm sure if you really tried, you could blow smoke up his ass from here. [pauses] Hey, Trin — if you take your top off before you get on the mechanical bull, you won't fall off.

Logan: Hey, I need your help.

Veronica: Would it be weird for me to start my own drinking game? Like, I have to do a shot every time someone asks for my help?

Logan: Do you think Lilly loved Weevil?

Veronica: I don't know. Um, Lilly never mentioned anything to me about Weevil. I was wondering when you were going to ask me about that.

Logan: Yeah, well… I don't know. When he's caught in her bedroom, you know, I guess you gotta think.

Veronica: You're handling it a lot better than I thought you would.

Logan: I loved Lilly. And Lilly loved guys.

Veronica: Logan, you know that —

Logan: You know, she used to say that her… her parents worshiped Duncan and tolerated her. And if she couldn't please 'em, she was going to go out of her way to piss 'em off. Weevil must have been perfect for that.

Veronica: I know Lilly loved you.

Logan: Just not like I loved her. [pauses] It's okay. No, you know, it kinda lets me off the hook. You know, I… You know, I don't have to feel guilty anymore.

Veronica: Feel guilty about what?

Logan: Movin' on. [he kisses her]

Veronica: What are we doing? [they giggle]

Logan: No idea. [resume kissing]

Veronica: We need to talk about this.

Logan: I know.

Veronica: Maybe we should just keep it to ourselves for awhile and see what happens.

Logan: Meet in mop closets? Pass each other secret notes in the hallway? [pauses] Come on, I'll drive you home on the back streets.

M.A.D.

Logan: I am beyond tardy for my physics class. If I remember right, time travel is not yet possible.

Veronica: So try petty corruption. Tardy excuse slips, date-stamped, untraceable. [pauses] I know people.

Veronica: No offense, but you look... odd.

Wallace: I just watched our parents cuddle on the couch last night. My eyes - they burn.

Veronica: Any idea what our parents do Mondays and Wednesdays from 6:00 to 10:00 that requires an overnight bag?

Wallace: As far as I'm concerned, they play bingo at the V.F.W. That's my story. I'm sticking with it.

Keith: How was school?

Veronica: You know - mean kids, indifferent teachers, crumbling infrastructure.

Logan: So, the place is ours. Dad's at class. Trina's at an extremely important purse-store opening in Beverly Hills.

Veronica: Your Dad is taking classes?

Logan: Exploring the world outside himself. All part of the new Aaron Echolls. Spanish, ceramics, tae kwon do and today, glassblowing with Silvio Pirelli, master of Old World crystal. [points to glass piece] Nice, huh? Just two lessons.

Veronica: And he made a bong?

Logan: An urn for my mom. You know, since there was no body and thus no ashes, he filled it with seawater. Because she jumped into the ocean. Get it? At least it gets him out of the house. [they kiss]

Veronica: Hey. Do you think this thing... will ever get more normal?

Logan: What, like, will we ever hang at the mall and hold hands and buy each other teddy bears with hearts that say "I wuv you beary much?"

Veronica: Yes. Exactly that. Except I want my bear won through some sort of demonstration of ring-tossing ability.

Logan: Secrets are kinda hot, too. [they kiss]

Logan: Ah, mass transit. But why take the bus when you can drive your very own rust bucket? I had my dad's driver pick it up. Full of fresh stolen parts, ready to go.

Veronica: Wow. I'll just try to keep this little gesture in mind this weekend when you and Dick and the Beaver are off getting blasted and scamming cheerleaders.

Logan: Yeah. Yeah, actually I had to tell Dick I'm not available. Because I have other plans.

Veronica: There are cheerleaders with low self-esteem available domestically?

A Trip to the Dentist

Logan: You do not want to start today with me, Paco.

Weevil: Are you sure? It was in my day planner under "Goals."

Dick: Look at that. Beaver's getting all the love, and Dick's flapping out in the breeze.

Luke: Please. You have like, the hottest girlfriend ever.

Dick: Much like fake boobs - great to look at, but they don't do as much as you'd like them to.

Veronica: You can keep asking, but you're not the fairest. Trust me.

Madison: Well, I can tell you who the pastiest is. What's the deal - can't buy bronzer with food stamps?

Veronica: You wrote "slut" on my car last year at Shelly's party. Why?

Madison: Because "whore" had too many letters.

Dick: [upon seeing Veronica] Dude, what the hell are you doing? Please tell me this is like, some new reality show called My Skank.

Logan: Goodbye, Dick.

Dick: What?

Logan: Get out of my house. You have a problem with Veronica, you leave. Actually, you have a problem with Veronica, you're pretty much dead to me, so just, like, evaporate or something, I dunno. That's pretty much a general invitation. If you don't like my girlfriend, then start heading towards the big rectangle with the knob.

Logan: Hey, I have to tell you something.

Veronica: I'm sorry, we're past the confessional portion of this program. We're on to the make out.

Leave It to Beaver

Cliff: Tell me this is a joke. You want to sue the Kane family?

Keith: Yes.

Cliff: Please tell me there's another Kane family in town. Maybe a Boris and Gilda Kane?

Duncan: So, anyone read the paper today? Garfield - I mean, will he ever learn? Oh yeah, and there was this other thing: I guess Abel Koontz didn't kill Lilly. Let's open the floor for discussion on that one.

Lamb: [tapping finger on table] You said you were in Mexico the day of Lilly's murder. Why?

Logan: How many episodes of NYPD Blue did you have to watch to get that finger tapping down?

Lamb: I asked you a question.

Logan: And I ignored it and moved on. Keep up. [snapping fingers]

Logan: So I guess we broke up, huh?

Veronica: What do you want me to say, Logan?

Logan: "Logan, I'm gonna go home and put my head in the oven because I can't go on living knowing what a heartless bitch I am!" Something like that.

Veronica: So you're saying you want me dead?

Logan: Yes.

Veronica: One word from me and Backup goes for your throat.

Logan: [scoffs] Is that what you'd do, boy? You'd tear out my throat? [kneels down to dog] Who's a man killer, huh? [Backup kisses Logan] Who's a man killer?

Veronica: Isn't it better like this?

Lilly: So much better.

Veronica: This is how it's supposed to be.

Lilly: Totally.

Veronica: This is how it's going to be from now on. Right? Lilly?

Lilly: [sighs] You know how things are going to be now, don't you? You have to know.

Veronica: Just like this. Just like this.

Lilly: Don't forget about me, Veronica.

Veronica: I could never.

Season 2

Normal Is the Watchword

Veronica: Got any enemies you know about?

Wallace: Well, there's the Klan.

Veronica: This isn't really their M.O.

Wallace: Well, then I guess that leaves everybody that hates you.

Keith: So, senior year. How was your first day at school honey?

Veronica: Great! I beat up a freshman, stole his lunch money and then skipped out after lunch.

Keith: What, no pre-marital sex?

Veronica: Oh, yea... yes. But don't worry dad, I swear you're gonna like these guys.

Keith: That's my girl.

Veronica: I missed you.

Keith: [While they hug] I missed you too. Now, where is my turkey pot-pie, woman?

Wallace: [after failing a drug test] Yeah, mon. Maybe I smoked so much ganja, I don't even remember doing it.

Veronica: What if you did ingest an illegal substance, but it was such a mild dose that you weren't even aware of it? Eat any mystery brownies lately?

Wallace: Spirit boxes! The day of the back to school athletic banquet, there were spirit boxes in our lockers. There weren't any brownies in there, but there were cookies.

Veronica: Did you eat one?

Wallace: I ate six.

Veronica: That's my Wallace.

Veronica: [making out with Logan] My dad is probably watching us through a telescope.

Logan: He's probably impressed with your virtue.

Veronica: [laughs] And the telescope is mounted on a rifle.

Logan: [Pauses, then looks up to where Keith is supposedly watching, with rifle, and holds up his hand, fingers spread] Five more minutes. [Veronica giggles] He should feel lucky. I mean, you could be out here with some pretty boy jerk just looking to get laid.

Veronica: Wait, what are you saying? You aren't pretty?

Logan: What I'm trying to say is that I'm in love with you.

Veronica: The things guys'll say to get past second base.

Keith: What's up, honey?

Veronica: Wallace is having a little trouble giving me a urine sample.

Keith: Can't you talk on the phone and paint your nails like other girls?

Veronica: This is a health class project. Come on, you're a man -- can you give him some pointers?

Keith: [sighs, walks over to bathroom door] Wallace?

Wallace: Yup?

Keith: You try turning the water on?

Wallace: Mmmm-hmmm.

Keith: Also, pinching your own nipples can sometimes work.

Veronica: [pushes her dad out of the room] Eww that's disgusting. I can't even look at you. [giggles]

Driver Ed

[interrupting a conversation between Duncan and Veronica]

Jackie: [clears throat] When you guys are done breaking up, can I get a macchiatto?

Veronica: I'm actually just the hostess, but I ca-

Jackie: Look! I don't care if you're the house magician, can you just make me a macchiatto?

Veronica: [waves hands as a magician would do] Your macchiatto.

Logan: Afternoon delight? Ooh, considerably better than fifth period English.

Kendall Casablancas: Ugh, you need to not remind me you're in high school. There's an 'ick' factor.

Logan: Is that so?

Kendall: Yeah. School in general? Not very hot. Unless I'm wearing a naughty school girl uniform. Then it's very hot.

Logan: I'm sure it would be, for the ten seconds you had it on.

Duncan: Veronica, it's not your fault.

Veronica: I'm afraid that line only works in Good Will Hunting.

Duane: Let me tell you something. If I was gonna do a kamikaze, you know, off a bridge with a bus full of kids and stuff, a convenience store would not be the site of my last meal. I'd want to eat something on the brink of extinction, you know, like the last emu. Or a meerkat. I bet they'd go down smooth.

Deputy Sacks: Hey Sheriff...you'll never believe who's in the interrogation room filling out an application.

Lamb: You're right. Who?

Sacks: Veronica Mars.

Lamb: You left her alone in there?![barges into the interrogation room] What are you up to, Veronica?

Veronica: Last question, actually. "Why do you want this position?" Honestly - and really tell me the truth - how much of an ass-kiss would I be if I admit it's to be close to you? [Lamb pulls out her chair] Seriously, why do birds suddenly appear every time you're near?

Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang

Lamb: So, I guess you know why you're here. You want to tell me about it?

Veronica:: Okay. [exhales deeply] I confess. [pounds fist] God, you're good! I have no idea why I'm here. But I'm sure my Dad was interested to know why you hauled his daughter in and subjected her to the crime-busting stare for no apparent reason.

Lamb: He didn't need to know that you were here. You're eighteen now, kiddo. You're an adult.

Veronica: Well, that makes one of us. So are you gonna tell me why I'm here, or should I just sit back and enjoy your impression of a mildly-constipated David Caruso?

Lamb: What can you tell me about your relationship with this man? [slides a folder of photos to her]

Veronica: Ah, yes. I remember that summer. He was a roadie for Whitesnake. I was singing backup for Boyz II Men. They said it would never work, but -

Lamb: I'm glad that you find this amusing.

Veronica: Another thing girls love are Jimmy Choos, Dolce & Gabbana, and convertibles that cost more than the gross national product of Sri Lanka.

Veronica: [voiceover] Tailing young Miss Kendall was about as hard as following Malibu Barbie to the beach house.

Duncan: Careful, Logan. You're exposing your soft underbelly.

Logan: My underbelly is rock hard. It can go all night.

Keith: I'd love to have underlings and deputies other than my daughter. She's really no good at wrestling the hopped-up meth heads into the back of the car.

Green-Eyed Monster

Veronica: [voiceover] The only way I'd ever make two grand in a week working at the Hut is if they installed a pole.

Keith: [to Alicia] You just fulfilled one of the Top 10 male fantasies...Oh yeah, a guy dreams his whole life of a beautiful woman bringing him a sandwich.

Veronica: My Dad spend the night at your place?

Wallace: Yep.

Veronica: He do the A.M. doughnut fake-out run?

Wallace: [pulls out paper bag] Want one?

Weevil: Yo, Martha. I heard you took a ride downtown behind the 187. So did you flop for the cops or did the local Wapner hook you up with some ankle bling?

Veronica: You know the deal, cuz. Every time some kitty cries in this town, one-time tries to put a call on me. Speaking of bling, what's up with the hoops? If I rub your head, do I get three wishes?

Weevil: You rub my head, and you might want to make seeing tomorrow your first wish.

Weevil: Look, should I be expecting a visit from Lamb? If I know I'm being brought in, I'll put on my good underwear, you know?

Veronica: You should really do that anyway.

Blast from the Past

Mr. Wu: Homecoming season is upon us...

Veronica: Much like the plague.

Veronica: It sounds like you don't need a photographer from the "Neptune Navigator" who knows how to shoot your good side.

Keith: I got nothing but good sides, baby.

Veronica: It's weird that you live here. I don't want you going all 'Howard Hughes-y' on me.

Duncan: I am not a shut-in. These nails? Neatly trimmed. Though, now that you mention it, I have started bottling my own urine.

Veronica: Ew.

Veronica: [to Duncan] You're here for your looks. Why don't you leave the heavy thinking to me, sugarpants? Now go make yourself pretty.

Veronica: [answers phone] Chesty LaRue. Hey, Duncan. I'm fine. I'm slathering up my boobs as we speak.

Rat Saw God

Dick: Dude. My stepmom?

Logan: I am a total piece of crap.

Dick: Better you than the cable guy, I guess. And I'd be lying to say if I've never perved on your mom while she was prancin' around the pool in that hardly there bikini of hers.

Logan: Great. So...no hard feelings?

Dick: No, she gave me a few.

Sacks: Sheriff would like to have a word with you.

Logan: And I'd like to be the cream filling of an Olsen twins sandwich, but...

Sacks: Will you come with me, please?

Logan: If I'm under arrest, then do me the courtesy of making it all official like. [Sacks cuffs Logan.] Now that's more like it.

Sacks: You're under arrest for the murder of Felix Toombs.

Logan: Ooh, I am having the weirdest déjà vu.

[Logan is picked out of a police lineup.]

Officer: Number four, step forward.

Logan: Oh wow, I'm stunned. You like me! You really like me! Well first, I'd just like to say the other, uh, nominees are all such wonderfully gifted criminals. And I wanna thank my agent and my publicist for always shooting me from the left side.

Logan: So, my tax dollars at work. Where were you? Getting thirds at the Crazy Girls lunch buffet?

Cliff: Actually, they discontinued the buffet. Some health code thing. Okay, my name is Cliff, I'll be your 'if-you-cannot-afford-an-attorney' attorney. So. What are you trying to prove?

Logan: Um...my innocence?

Cliff: No. I mean with this 'poor little rich boy' stunt. Having me represent you doesn't make you look innocent. It makes you look like an arrogant jackass. If the witness' story holds, you are going to trial.

Logan: Hmm. The guy's lying.

Cliff: June 27th: you gave testimony saying that you couldn't remember a thing. Now, he comes forward saying he saw you, bloody knife in hand, ranting like a maniac over a dead body.

Logan: And what exactly did I say, huh?

Cliff: "The [expletive] [racial expletive] had it [maternal expletive] coming."

Logan: [explaining the benefits of an ankle monitor] ...And the other sweet thing is that I'm in constant video contact with Martha Stewart, right?

Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner

Veronica: [reciting The Big Lebowski] I'm not Mr. Lebowski, you're Mr. Lebowski. I'm the dude...so that's what you call me...either that or uh dudeness, duder, El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing.

Duncan: Veronica, you need to stop being The Dude.

Veronica: Stoner Bowler doesn't do it for you?

Duncan: A little. Only because I like the way your lips pout when you do guy voice.

Veronica: These lips? I've had them for years, I can't do a thing with them.

Logan: Seriously, though. I was reading 'The Third Wheel: A Beginner's Guide,' and we should come up with, like, some kind of codeword for when you guys are feeling frisky and don't want to be disturbed.

Veronica: Like "scram"?

Logan: I was thinking..."awkward." But scram is good. Or "amscray." [Opens the door to see Kendall] You're not my grilled cheese.

Kendall: No. [Notices Veronica and Duncan sitting on the couch] iPod girl. With the waxy-eared boyfriend. Small world.

Veronica: Like this big. [gestures with her thumb and finger]

Logan: My codeword will be..."endurance."

[Later]

Duncan: [kisses Veronica's neck] Weren't we doing something?

Veronica: We were making out on the couch and then that happened. [points to the room Logan and Kendall just entered]

Keith: Look who got an invite to the Sheriff Department's Fundraiser/Bachelor Auction.

Veronica: Please say "Veronica Mars."

Keith: Sorry, sweetheart. You can't buy love. Bored wives of the wealthy, however, can. I'm wondering if they'll sell Sheriff Lamb by the pound.

Mrs. Hauser: All right, people, pair up. You each have a piece of paper with an STD on it. You have to inform your partner that you have said STD.

Veronica: All right, Gia, we can be partners, but no glove, no love.

Dick: Yeah, let's get the dried-up divorcée to teach us about sex.

Gia: I heard her husband left her for a man.

Dick: And now we get bitchy and bitter for a year.

Gia: Mrs. Hauser, mine's wrong. Isn't this a flower?

Mrs. Hauser: No, Gia. Chlamydia is not a flower.

Gia: Well, we have it on, like, a trellis at our beach house.

Veronica: Your trellis is a whore.

Keith: When you leave a sleepover early, I'm supposed to put a trench coat over my pajamas and come pick you up.

Veronica: Sorry. I drive now. And I'm not 9.

Keith: You'll always be 9 to me. Going on 30. [notices smell and starts sniffing Veronica's jacket]

Veronica: Whoa, you two need to be alone?

Keith: I know we had the smoking talking somewhere between the birds and the bees and the drinking and driving.

Veronica: Actually I think it was more of a sentence - "Don't smoke" - and it was between "The Adventures of Pooh" and "Good Night, Moon."

Keith: [holds out jacket] 'Splain.

Ahoy, Mateys!

Logan: Didn't your dad say that the cigar store's a front for drug dealers? I mean, that's gotta be something.

Veronica: Or not. Sometimes a cigar store is just a cigar store.

Logan: Well, I'll remember to be quippy when you're looking at 20 to life.

Veronica: Oh, you're being a jackass. It must be an even-numbered day. I do so prefer the odd-numbered days when you're kissing my ass for a favor.

Logan: Well, you find out why this plastic surgeon is trying to get me sent away for killing Felix and I will make sure that all even-numbered days are removed from the calendar.

Clemmons: Look, I'm just the vice-principal. Anything I say on the subject has to be cleared by the principal, so -

Veronica: So you're just a powerless factotum and I should talk to Principal Moorehead?

Clemmons: Yes... Exactly.

Veronica: What's this four-week gap here?

Mac: Oh, they went on a little sabbatical.

Veronica: Do you know why?

Mac: I suspect to torture me. Then they came back, and Cap'n Krunk wasn't on anymore and it blew, so I stopped listening.

Veronica: The show's still on?

Mac: A bastardized subpar version of the show is still on.

Veronica: Any way to find out where they're broadcasting from?

Mac: Yes. [she doesn't continue and Veronica gives a look] Sorry, I was just seeing how long we could have a conversation with your side only being questions. [Veronica scoffs] We can track the signal.

Veronica: I'd be interested to know if you have the capabilities to track said signal. [both laugh]

Mac: Look, I'm happy to be the "Q" to your Bond, but crime pays. Technologically assisted mystery solving costs. If you wanna play "Find the Crappy Radio Broadcast," Mama's gonna need a few things from Radio Shack.

Marcos: [as "Cap'n Krunk"] The winner of this week's "Cock of the Walk" Countdown -

Butters: [as "Imitation Crab"] Don't leave 'em hangin' Cap'n.

Marcos: It's Logan Echolls.

Butters: That's 40 weeks running.

Marcos: Rosemary's Baby: The Teen Years. If I was his mother, I'd kill myself, too. [splash sound effect]

Butters: Seriously, Cap'n, you name your daughter Roxie, and it's guaranteed at some point she'll be showing her cans for cash.

Marcos: I'm saving up for that very day.

Butters: Or get a varsity jacket and four liters of wine cooler and you can see 'em for free! Yeah, Becker's a date rapist, but in his defense, he's hideous and stupid, so meeting girls is hard.

Logan: Any news on Nip/Schmuck?

Veronica: It's pretty clear, isn't it? Our favorite plastic surgeon, for whatever reason, seems to be owned by the Fighting Fitzpatricks.

Logan: Well, as far as I know, I've done nothing to get their Irish up.

Veronica: And I'm working on the connections, okay?

Logan: If you could exonerate me sometime soon, that'd be great. I really don't want bottom bunk in Fisty McRapesalot's cell.

Veronica: If you want a top, I'm sure it's negotiable.

Logan: Help me, Mars-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.

My Mother, the Fiend

Mrs. Hauser: Since you all had such a raucous good time with venereal diseases, I'm sure you'll be thrilled with phase two of Sex Ed. Ladies and gentlemen... [takes animatronic baby out of box] Welcome to Parenthood.

Veronica: So that's where babies come from.

Kendall: Hi, baby. What took you so long? [she kisses Logan]

Logan: Well, if I had known you were throwing yourself at my roommate, [wipes lips] I'd have raced home.

Kendall: I brought a surprise for you. I figured you and Duncan could try it. Maybe if you boys play nice, you could share or... take turns or something.

Logan: Duncan's not into that sort of thing, pumpkin.

Kendall: No, I'm talking about Dick's Maserati.

Trina: Wait a minute. Are you like, sleeping with my little brother? What is he - 13?

Kendall: Thirteen? He wishes. So, is this your much older sister I've heard nothing about?

Logan: Oh, yes, where are my manners? Kendall Casablancas, Trina Echolls. Rode Hard, meet Put Away Wet.

Trina: Hmm. I'm guessing she's the wet one. Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got places to be.

Kendall: Where? Is there a club where you, Dedee Pfeiffer, Joey Travolta, and Melissa Rivers all meet for drinks?

Trina: There is. I don't think you'd like it. It's 21 and over. We're hitting an after party at Chuck E. Cheese though, if you're free. Okay, well, I need him in bed by ten p.m. sharp, he's got school tomorrow. [squeezes Logan's cheeks] Night, all. [exits]

Logan: Well, the joke's on her - she came over to borrow my video camera. The girl does love a good exit line.

Logan: I hope that tape didn't burn too much when they ripped it off. I hear that can leave some chafing.

Weevil: You made the wrong play, dawg. I shouldn't let you live for what you pulled.

Logan: What I pulled? Hang on, compadre, let's recap. You blasted a shotgun through my car with me inside.

Weevil: That wasn't me.

Logan: You torched my house. Then your masked bandidos played Russian roulette with my hand. Okay, my math says that you still owe me.

Weevil: I thought you killed Felix.

Logan: Well, I didn't.

Weevil: Yeah, I pretty much know that now.

Logan: Oh, are you waiting for the music to swell before you start the apology?

Weevil: We have something in common now. We both need to find out who killed Felix.

Logan: So what, we team up? Get matching capes? I ride shotgun in the sidecar?

Weevil: Something like that, but not yet. See, I can't let you leave here looking the way you did when you walked in. Not if I don't want to end up some bald guy with tattoos who rides the school bus.

Logan: Well, I hope you don't just expect me to stand here and take it.

Weevil: Wouldn't be much fun if you did.

Logan: So who's going to throw the first - [bell rings, Weevil punches first and they all-out fight]

Mac: Pay me in cash, I ask no questions. Just tip me off when you're going public.

Beaver: You know, I think that might be illegal.

Mac: Still... you're admiring my moxie, aren't you?

Beaver: Something like that.

Veronica: The truth is, as a baby, you were left in a Neptune High girl's bathroom on prom night twenty-five years ago.

Trina: No way. Ashton Kutcher is hiding somewhere, right? Ashton, come out! You can't get me that easy.

Veronica: Trina, I'm dead serious.

Trina: Okay. If you're joking, you really can act. You're a natural.

Veronica: You were found in a girls' bathroom on prom night.

Trina: What? So you mean my mother was like, one of those trashy sluts that dumped me in a garbage can?

Veronica: I'm... pretty sure Celeste Kane is your mom.

Trina: Well, there's worse news you could've given me. They've got billions!

Veronica: I suppose they do. Um... I was going to use this audition tape to smoke her out, shame her. I was gonna send this video to all the tabloids.

Trina: Oh, you're a rascal, Veronica Mars.

Veronica: Am I? I was thinking I was something else... less flattering.

Trina: You know, if we hurry, that tape can make tonight's Entertainment News. Oh, it's the least big Pat can do for me after leaving all those pervy messages on my voicemail.

One Angry Veronica

Duncan: Last spring... before we broke up...

Veronica: Okay, stop, I was shown a diagram once. I know how it works. But you knew, and you didn't tell me?

Duncan: This has nothing to do with us.

Veronica: Oh, no. Nothing? Your secret illegitimate child gestating in the womb of your comatose ex-girlfriend affects neither you nor me.

Lamb: [admiring himself in the mirror after bench pressing] You know, Keith, you really should've done more to push fitness when you were here.

Keith: Yeah, I was going to get to that, but the crime-fighting kept getting in the way.

Veronica: Oh, hello. Which one are you? Blinky? Humpty? Zorro?

Thumper: My name is Thumper. Not that you really care.

Veronica: Oh, I care... deeply. I guess you heard about our new cranberry walnut crumb cake. It's true: it's cran-tastic.

Keith: [to Veronica] I'm sorry, I was looking for my apartment, but I seem to have stumbled upon some sort of magical winter wonderland instead. Why, perhaps this elf can help me.

Veronica: I'm so impressed you fit a pony into my room. Presents, presents, presents!

Donut Run

Logan: Hi-ho.

Veronica: What did you say?

Logan: Oh, your uniform. Hi-ho. It's off to work you go.

Veronica: Guess that makes me Snow White.

Logan: You must be on your way up to see Mopey.

Veronica: How is he doing, Sleazy?

Vinnie Van Lowe: Hey, Veronica! What's the haps?

Veronica: Oh, you know. I didn't think there'd be air conditioning, but, other than that, this is pretty much how I pictured Hell.

Veronica: I have no idea where he is, and if I did, you would be the... [counting fingers] last person I'd tell.

Vinnie: Am I hearing you right? Because you'd tell Osama bin Laden before you tell me? Because back in my day, we had a little thing called patriotism.

Logan: What's the word?

Dick: The one they call Bootsy told me "no" and went on to suggest I perform sexual intercourse upon my own person.

Logan: Doesn't he understand? If you could do that, you'd never come to school.

Dick: Boy, that's the truth.

Lamb: So... The F-B-I. I've thought about it, you know. But big fish, small town has its perks. Still, who knows? I still might apply.

Morris: You go to college?

Lamb: For a year. Blew out a knee at Southwest Texas playing ball.

Morris: Speak a foreign language?

Lamb: A little Mexican. Enough to get by. I tell 'em to turn their music down.

Morris: Any expertise in computer science, law, physics, chemistry, forensics, mathematics?

Lamb: Expertise...?

Morris: Small town, big fish: You know, I'd ride with that.

Rashard and Wallace Go to White Castle

Veronica: So, the manager's boyfriend just dumped her, and she says this helps with the stress.

Wallace: What is it?

Veronica: A German chocolate nut-gasm.

Wallace: I don't think that's going to help.

Weevil: Where did you guys even meet?

Molly: At church. St. Mary's.

Weevil: Of course. The only place the micks and the spics ever get together without someone getting punched.

Cliff: It's called self-surrender. At the negotiated time - five days hence - Wallace Fennel will turn himself into the Neptune sheriff's department, who will oversee his transfer to the Chicago police.

Wallace: What if I'm not there?

Cliff: Then they'll issue a warrant, you'll be arrested, probably found guilty, and end up "married" to some enormous murderer named Tiny. My advice? Be punctual.

Veronica: Or prove your innocence.

Cliff: Or that. Suit yourself.

Veronica: And how can I help you, sir?

Weevil: I need a favor.

Veronica: Ah, a favor - one of our specialties.

Weevil: I need you to bug the confessional at St. Mary's church.

Veronica: Um... I'm sorry. That's not on our menu. Maybe you should try "You're crazy" down the street?

Logan: [from the next table over] It's not just for him.

Veronica: Isn't this a very odd coincidence? Or, wait - are you guys, like, roomies now and he ate your peanut butter and now you're not speaking?

Logan: Funny you should bring up roomies, as I just lost one. I don't suppose you could help me find where Duncan disappeared?

Veronica: Ooh, sorry, one favor per customer.

Weevil: Uh, yeah, can we stay focused here? 'Cause if we're seen together by the wrong people, that would be bad.

Veronica: So, this is sneaking? I've got a pantomine-horse disguise you could use. Do either of you have any experience being a horse's ass?

Logan: Yeah, I'm glad my misfortunes amuse you.

Logan: Look, Veronica, can you just once save my ass without comment?

Veronica: No. Because saving your ass with comment, it just... it works better for me.

Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough

Veronica: Slushies! Get your ice-cold, frozen... sugar water...

Logan: You had me at "ice cold."

Veronica: What's your poison?

Logan: Oh, emotionally unavailable women. [Veronica glares] Let's see, uh... I want something that suits my mood.

Veronica: Ooh, I'm sorry, we're all out of liquid evil.

Logan: I'll take two of whatever will turn my tongue blue.

Veronica: Hot date?

Logan: Rain check? A night with the fellas. You know how it is.

Weevil: Is it your undying love for me, or just good old-fashioned lust?

Veronica: Que?

Weevil: That kept you from turning me in?

Veronica: [pauses] Love...of roller coasters. And hatred of anything that requires me to tie a sweater over my shoulders and be at sea with my classmates... Nothing to do with you. [they both give a small smile to each other]

Logan: Oh the rich, how they mock you. [hands Veronica a $50 bill]

Veronica: There's a $50 bill?

Logan: Had them made special.

Dick: I am so good at this game, bro.

Logan: Shooting in a clown's mouth. Your future's bright, Dick.

Mrs. Hauser: In less than three minutes, Veronica Mars has lost all the senior trip money.

Veronica: Is that a record?

Versatile Toppings

Veronica: Why can't the evil just get jobs like the rest of us?

Veronica: Jackie and I aren't exactly the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. She's not what you'd call huggable.

Keith: Whereas you warm right up to people? Hmm.

Veronica: Hmm

Keith: Hmm.

Dick: Dude, why are lesbians, like, so pissed off all the time? Let your freak flag fly, ladies!

Veronica: How progressive of you, Dick.

Dick: Damn, what is it with you? Do you follow me around for fun, or what?

Veronica: Would it help if I started making out with my girlfriend in the hall?

Dick: Yeah! Obviously. But look, I'll fix your car, whatever. You gotta learn to leave me alone.

Veronica: And here I thought we were getting to be pals.

Dick: Please. You date Logan, he's nailed for murder. You date Duncan, he's wanted for kidnapping. You get put on Robbie and Hunter's jury, they get sent to Chino. You're like rich-dude Kryptonite, Veronica. This rich dude wants no part of it.

Veronica: I need you to get me into a restricted website.

Mac: Sure, what's the address?

Veronica: I don't know.

Mac: What's it for?

Veronica: It's a Neptune High gay chat room.

Mac: Veronica, you're not...

Veronica: No, I'm just curious. [chuckles] Curious as to what's posted on the website, more accurately. Here we go. Work your funky magic. [beat] And... nothing. What's the problem? [Mac stares at Veronica without speaking] ...You set it up, didn't you?

Jackie: You can ride with me if you want. I realize it's no bus filled with rowdy towel-snapping jocks, but it'll smell better.

Veronica: I don't know. Um... do you have room for my giant foam finger?

Jackie: I do, and I can even drop you off around the block if you're worried about being seen together.

Veronica: Yes. Please, by all means, protect my reputation.

The Quick and the Wed

Jane: Veronica!

Veronica: Hey, party girl.

Jane: I need your help.

Veronica: Let me guess: the "Pin the Penis on the Fireman" game ended in tears?

Logan: So, you want me to come over after school?

Hannah: The words out of your mouth are, "come over," but all I hear you saying is, "Let's have sex."

Logan: Excuse me? All I heard you say was, "Let's have sex."

Cliff: They've set a trial date sixty days from today.

Logan: Whatever will I wear?

Cliff: The D.A. is offering a one-time deal, a plea bargain.

Logan: I'm not interested.

Cliff: You should be. They're talking involuntary manslaughter. That brings your maximum sentence down from eleven years to four. With good behavior - if you could muster some - you'd be out in half that.

Logan: [incredulous] Two years?

Cliff: Logan, [sighs] let me remind you the prosecution has witnesses. The good kind - eyewitnesses.

Logan: Cholo lowlives and a lying cokehead plastic surgeon.

Cliff: A prominent, well-respected cokehead doctor. And how many jurors you think we can find in Neptune who haven't been exposed to your winning charm in the "Tinseltown Diaries"? Jurors love convicting smug, rich boys - it's a fact. I've asked around - and I hope this isn't news to you, but no one likes you.

Logan: Even if I had stabbed Felix, which I didn't, it would've been self defense. I got jumped by a gang. Argue that.

Cliff: I plan to, but the doctor didn't see a gang. He saw three bikers, one of them bleeding to death, a knife in your hand. He'll testify that you weren't in peril when you stabbed Felix.

Logan: No deal.

Cliff: Well, if it helps you decide on your wardrobe, I'll be wearing an "I'm with Stupid" T-shirt.

Aaron: [in jail] So...to what do I owe the pleasure?

Kendall: I'm here to tempt you, Aaron.

Aaron: Well, mission accomplished. Or should I say...with what?

Kendall: Huge tracts of land...more action than I can handle. I'm here to offer you a piece.

Aaron: So I guess Big Dick still has his fingers in a few pies, huh?

Kendall: My husband's got quite a reach. Some are saying that he might be working abroad. [winks] Aaron, how would you like to walk out of here a richer man?

Aaron: Ahh! You're cash-strapped. No I get it. I can help. But... [imitating Hannibal Lecter] quid pro quo, Mrs. C. Quid pro quo. F-f-f-f-f-f-f.

Kendall: Impressive Hannibal. Well, they told me the glass is bulletproof, but I'm betting I could talk you through it. [unbuttons her top]

Kendall: And that is why the Phoenix Land Trust is where you should put your money.

Logan: I'm confused. You're talking and your clothes are on. I'm starting to think you really came over here to try and sell me real estate.

The Rapes of Graff

Dean: Okay, so we're gonna play a game called "Two Truths and a Lie." Does everyone have a buddy? [Veronica raises her hand] All alone?

Veronica: It's all right. I prefer it.

Dean: Lie. See, that's how the game works. [to group] You have to tell your partner two facts and one lie and they have to guess which one is the lie, all right? [to Veronica] Okay, so go ahead.

Veronica: Okay, I'm Veronica. I'm from Neptune. And I once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

Dean: Oh, how'd that go?

Veronica: It was a bit of a letdown.

Dean: Hmm. Well, uh, I don't believe that you're from Neptune.

Veronica: Wrong. Is that the end?

Dean: Um, okay. Well, my name is Dean, I'm from Wheaton, Illinois. My father owns a Ford dealership, and I also shot a man in Reno, but it wasn't to watch him die, it was for, other issues.

Veronica: Your father doesn't sell Fords.

Dean: That's right, Toyotas. How did you know?

Veronica: It's all in the eyes.

Dean: All right, well, I guess I'll have to watch out for you next year.

Veronica: Oh, I won't be attending.

Dean: All right, enough lies.

Dick: Dude! So we hanging this weekend or that chick still have your sack locked up in her Easy-Bake Oven?

Logan: Actually, I am now a free man.

Dick: The way we should be, man.

Logan: "We"? What happened to Madison?

Dick: [scoffs] Bailed. According to her friend, she met someone more mature.

Logan: Where, Legoland?

Dick: Pfft. Whatever, man. Maturity is like one of the two most overrated things on the planet.

Logan: The other being?

Dick: Chicks.

Logan: Oh, so this worked out great for you.

Dick: Dude, why do you think I'm in such a great mood? Screw it. This weekend, you and me are partying like Ozzy.

Cliff: I want to emphasize this should not be construed as coercion. We're just showing you a picture. [shows Lamb a photo of him and Madison]

Keith: That's Madison Sinclair, who I believe takes World History with my daughter.

Lamb: [looks around, lowers his voice] So, what? This is blackmail? She's 18. That's legal.

Keith: Sounds like a swell campaign slogan for the next election. [shows him a "campaign flyer": 18 - It's Legal! Re-Elect Don Lamb]

Wallace: That's Veronica Mars - making friends and influencing people wherever she goes. See, if you come here next year, you've already got enemies. Just feel right at home.

Keith: You´re back early.

Veronica: Yeah, I ditched the goodbye hugging, can you believe it?

Keith: You? Miss Hug. So you must be tired. Why don´t you lie in your...[interrupted by knocking]

Prostitute: Is Keith here?

Veronica: Dad... your hooker's here.

Keith: Escort, honey... So why don´t you go to your room and do your... blog or whatever you kids do.

Plan B

Weevil: I need your help.

Veronica: Ah, if I had fifty bucks every time someone said that.

Weevil: Look, I know it's a drag being you, and...

Veronica: No, seriously. I'm gonna need fifty bucks if you expect me to keep listening.

Weevil: Well, I'm banking on curiosity getting the better of you..

[Veronica hesitates a long time, then stamps her foot.]

Veronica: Alright tell me! Damn my curiosity!

Logan: So this is staking out, huh? It looks sexier in the movies.

Veronica: Did you hear anything from Hannah?

Logan: Does deafening silence count?

Veronica: You know, I'm not sure, but I think when they start shipping your girlfriends off, you are officially a bad boy. [they high-five each other]

Logan: Her dad and your dad should get together and go bowling.

Mac: This serves as a preemptive apology for the conversation that's about to take place. Okay, and... Beaver and I occasionally, you know, make out.

Veronica: I made out once, back in the day. I think he had me pinned up against a woolly mammoth.

Mac: So, not that I'm an expert in this stuff, but four months, typical high school boy - there should be some... under-the-bra action, no?

Veronica: Let me consult my 'Idiot's Guide to Wanton Behavior': basically, you're asking me because I'm the sluttiest person you know?

Mac: Um, "slutty" is your word choice. Mine was "worldly."

Veronica: So four months and nada?

Mac: Hand holding, kissing.

Veronica: Tongue?

Mac: Some tongue.

Veronica: Ass grabbing?

Mac: Helped me brush the dog hair off my pants once.

Lamb: Still picking winners, huh, Veronica?

Veronica: I told you, when I start picking losers, it's all you.

Weevil: You know, an 09er could come in here with tea leaves and a Ouija board and they'd send out a SWAT team. It's time for plan B.

Veronica: Not just yet, Dirty Harry.

Weevil: In case you haven't noticed, I ain't no mick cop.

Veronica: Uh, okay. Dirty Sanchez?

I Am God

Keith: Did you watch House of Wax again? You know that Hilton girl gives you nightmares.

[Veronica walks up behind Logan and knees him in the back of his leg.]

Veronica: Yep, I have no idea what compelled me to do that.

Logan: Is it because you're five?

Veronica: I'm a little punchy. I haven't been sleeping.

Logan: Thoughts of me? Hey, I get it. Sometimes I'm up all night, just thinkin' about myself.

Veronica: Remind me: why did we break up?

Logan: Well, you thought the other guy had greener grass. Or was it something about me being too much man? No, wait. It was you - you were too much man.

Logan: Mr. Wu must really like his egg-drop soup.

Dick: Uh, does this assignment come with [Chinese accent] pot stickah?

Mr. Wu: Students! This experiment is a major test grade. For some of you, [looking at Dick] it means passing this class or not.

Dick: [to Logan] Dude, is Mr. Wu hitting on me?

Mr. Wu: Okay, people, that does it. I'm assigning your partners alphabetically. Dick, I think it's a bad idea for you and Mr. Echolls to be working together.

Dick: So bad, it's good?

Mr. Wu: No.

Dick: [to Logan] God, I don't know how I'm gonna quit you. Shh! It's not me, it's Wu.

Veronica: Peter was gearing up for what he called the "outing of all outings." I was wondering if he was pulling his favorite teacher out of the closet.

Mr. Wu: [sighs] Veronica, I think when you get out in the world a little more, you'll discover that not all well-dressed, articulate, detail-oriented men are gay. Many of them are just... Asian.

Nevermind the Buttocks

Veronica: Mac Attack, what's the haps?

Mac: I got mugged. By my own principal. They took my cell-phone interceptor and apparently plan on keeping it until the end of the year. What happened to "end of the day"? Why wasn't that working?

Veronica: Everyone still kept bringing in their cell-phone interceptors?

Mac: Is there any chance you can get it back for me? I borrowed it from a buddy at Radio Shack because, apparently, I've become a psycho ex-girlfriend and I wanted to listen to Beaver's cell phone calls. [Veronica is silent] You're judging me.

Veronica: Nope. I'm judging myself. Why don't I have a cell phone interceptor?

Mac: Please, respect the business model, Veronica. I do the gadgets. You do the actual espionage.

[Veronica knocks three times, each punctuated by a brief silence.]

Butters: That was your secret knock?

Veronica: The genius is its simplicity.

Butters: We have exactly eleven minutes before my dad gets back. The box is under there.

Mac: Wow, Butters, this is - this is way cool of you.

Butters: Just so you know, I'm an excellent dancer, so, don't worry about that.

Mac: [confused] Oh... okay. I'll try not to...

Butters: Well, I don't have to dance, though. I enjoy it, but I also enjoy a good conversation.

Veronica: Look! Fake vomit - courtesy of locker 213. And whoever is in locker 792 is sans one "Smell it, Bitch" T-shirt.

Butters: So, Mac, what color dress are you wearing?

Mac: I'm actually wearing pants.

Butters: [laughs] I just don't want the corsage to be, like, blue, and your dress is red and you think I'm an idiot.

Mac: Veronica?

Veronica: [holds up a book with a tag attached that reads '#333'] Do you mind if I give this Anarchist Cookbook back to Weevil?

Butters: You know his locker number?

Veronica: Who else would brag about meeting Satan halfway?

Keith: Can you think of any reason Logan would have got three calls from Kendall on the day of the crash?

Veronica: [sighs] Well, let's see...I believe the Latin term is coitus sordidus.

Keith: They were sleeping together? [Veronica nods] That was weeks before Kendall's husband fled the country.

Veronica: Logan may be a little fuzzy on the commandments.

Veronica: You here to confess? Is that your tail I see between your legs?

Weevil: No. But I can see how you might get confused.

Look Who's Stalking

[Veronica sees Wallace and Jackie kissing against her locker. She pushes them aside.]

Veronica: Please, get a room. In Australia.

Wallace: Hey, we're practicing for the prom.

Veronica: What debutante bit you and turned you into prom zombie?

Jackie: [waves] We just gave in, the whole nine yards - the ridiculous dress, the tux, lobster dinner, and limo. I mean, it happens once. Why not go all out?

Mac: Because no one sold you as an indentured servant to Butters.

Veronica: Mac, I didn't think he'd actually -

Mac: He's picking me up in a Hummer limousine, we're having dinner on a replica pirate ship, and I suspect he's hired a zeppelin for the ride home. I'm going to fill my pockets with rocks, get a good grip on your ankle, and I'm going to jump off the top of -

Clemmons: [over loudspeaker] Attention students: due to a significant number of alcohol related violations on the senior trip, this year's prom has been cancelled. That is all.

Mac: Yes! Prayer works!

Veronica: Cameras are on the roof, so if this guy followed you here, we should be able to spot him.

Gia: Wow, how Mission Impossible! I feel like at any moment, Tom Cruise is going to dangle from the ceiling on cables.

Veronica: Great. Now I won't be able to sleep. I hope he doesn't try to marry me.

Veronica: Okay, I have news. The senior memories once thought lost forever can, in fact, be generated after all, albeit in a slightly degraded form. The rich kids are throwing a private replacement prom.

Wallace: Damn, they just privatizing everything these days.

Jackie: [looking at invitation] Alterna-Prom? Hmm, formal attire.

Wallace: That's what I'm talking about.

Veronica: Please don't give us the tux speech again.

Wallace: What? You mean how, when I put on a tux, I make James Bond look like Cletus, the slack-jawed yokel?

Logan: Who are you taking to the Alterna-Prom?

Dick: Well, I considered a lot of chicks, but finally, I figured I'd just go stag. I mean, it's not the prom. It's the Alterna-Prom. Why narrow my options?

Logan: Shot down, huh?

Dick: It's like a conspiracy.

Logan: It's a good thing we're graduating. Sounds like you've hit that point where every girl in school knows you.

Dick: Bring on the sorority girls!

Logan: I thought our story was epic, you know, you and me.

Veronica: Epic how?

Logan: Spanning years and continents. Lives ruined, blood shed. Epic. But summer's almost here, and we won't see each other at all. And then you leave town... and then it's over.

Veronica: Logan...

Logan: I'm sorry about last summer. You know, if I could do it over...

Veronica: Come on. Ruined lives? Blood shed? You really think a relationship should be that hard?

Logan: No one writes songs about the ones that come easy.

Happy Go Lucky

Keith: When you get your chance to testify, it's important you keep yourself in check, okay? Aaron's lawyer is gonna use everything in his bag of tricks to rile you.

Veronica: Ah, but here's the thing - I'm "unrileable." Easygoing Veronica Mars: that's what the kids at school call me.

Keith: You sure you don't want to go over your testimony with the lawyers again?

Veronica: You know what I want, more than anything in the world? I want to be there, in court, watching Aaron at the moment the jury reads the verdict. I want to see that smirk wiped from his face. I want to see his expression at the exact moment he realizes he'll never be a free man again.

Keith: "Easygoing Veronica Mars," huh? [kisses her forehead] You know how fat men are sometimes called "Tiny"?

Veronica: Do you know how long I've wanted to go to Stanford?

Wallace: Since middle school.

Veronica: Elementary, my dear Wallace.

[Wallace and Jackie chuckle.]

Veronica: Do you have any idea how long I've waited to say that?

Keith: I'm thinking about getting you some sort of... giant hamster ball, so you can roll everywhere in this protective sphere.

Veronica: It'd just draw attention to me. Nobody likes a blonde in a hamster ball.

Wallace: You better enjoy this, 'cause this is as nostalgic as I get. I just wanted to say, it was worth getting taped to a pole. I'm gonna miss you.

Veronica: And my stupid ass face?

...

Wallace: [walking away] This conversation never happened.

Veronica: Sure it did.

Weevil: This is pointless.

Beaver: [sighs] Okay, look, so you know quadratic equations, right?

Weevil: Do I look like someone who knows quadratic equations, huh?

Beaver: I'm just trying to see what you already know.

Weevil: Zero! You want your car fixed? Teach me.

Beaver: Okay, okay. All right, look, so this equation right here, what do you think we should do first?

Weevil: Am I a five-year-old girl, huh? Lay it out for me, dawg, c'mon! Make me understand.

Beaver: Okay, okay! Okay, so let's say that you and your buddy wanna buy a 12-pack of a certain item, say, like, uh, spark plugs for "X" dollars, and you wanna find out how many of another item, like, um, I dunno, like oil, that you can get for the same amount. Except oil is "Y" times as much -

Weevil: If this is your idea of terms I'll understand, I'm going to kill you. Or myself. It's a toss-up. Screw it, man. I'll just cheat.

Beaver: No, look... but what about my car?

Weevil: You know power buffers, right? Well, let's say your door panel is a summer home, right, and you need to clear out the south lawn to make a tennis court, so -

Mac: [from next table over] F-O-I-L. That's all it is. First, Outside, Inside, Last. All algebra - it's just the formula.

Weevil: Now can you teach me that?

Mac: You'll still fix his car?

Weevil: That's the deal.

Mac: Okay, say you and your buddy buy a 12-pack of spark plugs... [Weevil glares] I'm just kidding.

Not Pictured

Veronica: [voiceover] So this is how it is. The innocent suffer, the guilty go free, and truth and fiction are pretty much interchangeable. ...There is neither a Santa Claus, nor an Easter Bunny, and there no angels watching over us. Things just happen for no reason, and nothing makes any sense.

Keith: I'm on a flight to Reno leaving an hour after graduation.

Veronica: I don't know if I like the idea of you running around a place full of armed, drunk businessmen.

Keith: That's why I rarely go to Texas.

Clemmons: I can't decide if my life is going to be easier or more difficult with you gone. Anything I should know in case I get another one like you someday?

Veronica: Don't keep all your passwords taped on the bottom of your stapler. And stay cool, Mr. C.

Veronica: Where's your brother?

Dick: I think he took Ghost World up to his room. They're probably up there makin' love. Or playing Dungeons and Dragons. Or both, at the same time. They're both, like, 12th-level dorks. Just sayin'.

Beaver: [after blowing up the plane] I know this might be a [snickers] bad time to ask for a favor... How would you feel, now that you have nothing left to live for, about just rolling yourself off? It's just, I really don't want your DNA all over my shirt.

Season 3

Welcome Wagon

Veronica: [imitating Clint Eastwood] You a bounty hunter, boy?

Logan: I really shouldn't have pushed for the Clint Eastwood marathon. Now I've ruined you. I didn't think it was possible to make you more butch. Stupid, stupid Logan. Well, wanna feel like a man, walk me to class?

Veronica: [normal voice] Carry your books?

Logan: Why not? [they start walking to class] Guess who I saw on campus today?

Veronica: Some girl going wild? As I understand it, it happens all the time in college. I'm on the verge of it right now.

Logan: No, Dick, my BFF.

Veronica: I thought he was crashing with his dad in the Caymans.

Logan: Well, he's back.

Veronica: Did you guys talk?

Logan: Yeah, but it was brief - shouted his name, flipped me off: the bonds of friendship.

Keith: Vinnie. What brings you to the good part of the wrong side of the tracks?

Vinnie: Dollar signs, mi amigo. The almighty buck. I got a case that requires a little double-detective duty. Lucky Pierre owns a jewelry store and suspects that he's got an embezzler. What do you say, huh? [holds out fist] Wonder Twin powers, activate.

Wallace: Took this side. Hope that's cool.

Piz: Yeah, no sweat. I rarely wear clothes indoors. Hope that's cool.

Wallace: [chuckles, then stops abruptly] That's not cool at all.

Veronica: [to Logan after sex] Woof! You should seriously consider going pro in that.

Rat boy: We saw you get ripped off.

Veronica: You're twelve. What were you doing up at Hearst?

Ferret boy: Checking out the college girls laying out. Some of them go topless.

Wallace: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up right there, son. Tell us exactly where this sunbathing goes on.

Ferret boy: South quad, where that statue is.

Veronica: What are you saying you saw?

Piz: Is it the Randolph Hearst statue, or the amorphous blobby thing?

My Big Fat Greek Rush Week

Mac: [sighs] I have "There's Got to Be a Morning After" stuck in my head. If I start singing, kill me.

Veronica: [reading invitation] "Tasteful" floral dresses? All my florals are trampy. Seriously, I don't have a thing with a flower that's not in the tube top or hot pant family.

Veronica: [voiceover] I guess "dress to impress" meant "dress like your favorite Pussycat Doll."

Veronica: [voiceover] The best way to keep a guy at least ten feet away? Dry heave. Vomit is the new mace.

Keith: 'Sup?

Veronica: I'm not acknowledging that.

Witchita Linebacker

Veronica: [about two girls] New friends?

Logan: Yeah, from weightlifting class.

Veronica: Right! The only class you never miss. So, what - you guys, like, spot each other doing squat thrusts and stuff?

Logan: And have group sex in the showers. [Veronica scoffs] What is this, jealous?

Veronica: Oh, jealous would involve piano wire.

Logan: Oh. So what was that?

Veronica: That was mild annoyance at the fact that two gym buddies invite you to a party and you're there already, but whenever I want to do something interesting, you're busy.

Logan: You mean "interesting" like some fossil wheezing through a novel?

Veronica: First, Martin Amis isn't a fossil, and second, yes, it's college. We're supposed to expand our horizons past video games and binge drinking.

Logan: My horizons go slightly beyond that.

Veronica: Great. So, how about tonight we check out the art-major group show?

Logan: I'm busy? [she sighs] No, really, I have a class till ten, but if you come by afterwards, we could write on ourselves. Get real, uh... political.

Veronica: That's what a girl wants to hear: "Darling, do all the weird crap you like, just don't be late for the booty call."

Weevil: [to boss] Guess I'll wash some spoiled bitch's graduation gift from daddy, huh?

Veronica: I'm not spoiled, and uh, technically, it wasn't for graduation.

Weevil: What about the bitch part?

Veronica: That depends on who you ask. How are you, Weevil? I haven't seen you...

Weevil: Since that awkward arrested-for-murder incident? Yeah! I remember.

Veronica: You plea bargained down to assault?

Weevil: And now I'm working at the car wash. Which, as it turns out, is not as fun as the song might sound.

Veronica: I bet you'd be pretty psyched if I found someone who could help.

Keith: My level of psyched would depend on the someone.

Veronica: Eli Navarro. Remember?

Keith: You mean Weevil? Oh, Veronica, please.

Veronica: Dad, I'm serious.

Keith: Oh, I don't know, all those times I arrested him, he never struck me as great secretary material. Didn't he get busted for murder?

Veronica: Assault.

Keith: See, so he's not even a very good murderer.

Logan: While I appreciate the interest, Big Brother, I hope -

Veronica: Wow, a 1984 reference. Did you read that in weightlifting?

Logan: You know, your dad was half right. You have a thing for bad boys, but you don't want to reform them. You just get off on judging them.

Veronica: Which reminds me: can I borrow your copy of 101 Brooding Comments?

Logan: I only have the Cliff Notes. Look, I've got to run, so to save you the trouble, I'm surfing in Mexico with Dick and Mercer this weekend. I'll fax you the coordinates so you don't incur any more cell-tracking charges, and I'll keep a journal of my bad thoughts in case you want to stick my face in a cage of rats when we get back. Sorry, 1984 is the only book I read.

Logan: Is this the help desk? 'Cause I need a little help.

Veronica: Let me guess: you have this pathologically suspicious girlfriend and you hope maybe there's a guidebook?

Logan: No, it's more like, uh... what's beyond pathological?

Charlie Don't Surf

Veronica: This is a bad idea.

Keith: No, it's not.

Veronica: You only think it's not because you came up with it.

Keith: Ergo, how could it be bad? Math, sweetie. Me + idea = good.

Logan: You were expecting Sidney Poitier?

Veronica: No jokes. No innuendos, no quips. Don't even think of alluding to having seen me naked or having touched any part of my body that does not have fingers.

Logan: Can I mention that my eyes adored you? I got it. No calling you Bobcat, no talk of milky thighs.

Veronica: Go home.

Logan: Veronica... I wont say anything bad.

Veronica: Dick, why are you here?

Dick: You saw that article about the Pi Sig house, right? That girl Claire gets raped after one of our parties, and suddenly, school's all in a bunch. There's like this hearing scheduled to try to get us kicked off campus, and that's where you come in.

Veronica: I get to do the kickin'?

Dick: You get to be the spy who loves me. The guys were really impressed with how you cleared the frat of the rape last year.

Veronica: Were they? That means so little.

Dick: They knew we had, like, this connection. So, they sent me here to hire you. We need you to do your Veronica thing and prove it's a pack of lies.

Veronica: Is it? A pack of lies?

Dick: We're a frat. Why rape the cow when you're swimming in free milk?

Veronica: [voiceover] When entering a frat house full of accused rapists, the pant suit is a solid wardrobe choice. It's fashion's way of saying, "Move along. Nothing to see here."

[Veronica encounters the Pi Sig frat approaching in a group.]

Veronica: Hello, Chip… Dick… faceless Star Trek crew members…

President Evil

Weevil: Any big Halloween plans?

Veronica: Oh, you know, the usual: slapping on my sexy nurse duds and rolling tweeners for their chocolate.

Lamb: Well, well, what do we have here? An illegal gambling establishment. Underaged drinking. [sees Logan and Veronica hugging] Public displays of affection. [shivers] It's like Sodom and Gomorrah in here.

Veronica: Where's Lilly's necklace?

Weevil: Someone left a bracelet in my bed last week. Or wait, was it a hoop earring...

Veronica: I'm not playing with you.

Weevil: Don't you get it? I have no idea what you're talking about.

Veronica: Oh, you don't, huh? Let me spell it out: I tell you about a working on-campus casino. Six hours later, it's held up by a guy, your size, wearing a mask, who happens to be covered in a thin film of drywall dust and the stench of Drakkar cologne.

Weevil: My cologne stinks? So, all this play I've been getting is from pure sex appeal?

Veronica: You just told my classmates that your old life of crime was calling. You just asked me about Lilly's necklace.

Weevil: I can't believe you'd think I'd do that - to you - after all we've been through.

Veronica: After all we've been through, can you really blame me?

Lamb: [to Logan] Hey, good-looking, we'll be back to pick you up later!

Veronica: [voice over] Hello, square one, nice to see you again.

Hi, Infidelity

Veronica: Did you just make a Jane Austen reference? It's official, the end of days are upon us.

Veronica: [knocks] Wallace?

Wallace: Not here.

Veronica: And you would be?

Wallace: Evil Wallace. And I know Veronica Mars doesn't hang with the evil and morally bankrupt.

Tim Foyle: You think it's me? You think I'm trying to get you out of Landry's class because I don't like you?

Veronica: Wait, you don't like me?

Logan: It's Mercer. Lamb just arrested him for the rapes on campus. He didn't do it. You have to help.

Veronica: How do you know he didn't do it?

Logan: Cause I was with him the night of the rape this summer.

Veronica: Where? Doing what?

Logan: I can't tell you OK? But you have to trust me. He's innocent.

Veronica: You're going on a date with a married woman.

Keith: It's not a date. We saw a movie, had a drink, and talked.

Veronica: Which is a date.

Of Vice and Men

Veronica: [voiceover] The man who would be my mentor. Mr. Popular. Just another on the list of men who disappoint.

Veronica: Maybe I don't want to know what you were up to.

Logan: When have you ever not wanted to know anything?

Veronica: Care to share what you two free-spirited lads were up to? I'll give you a hint: it was squalid.

Mercer: Logan has good reason to keep that to himself. But you shouldn't worry; he's a solid guy. I mean, I'd want him to be my boyfriend, if I swung that way.

Veronica: Give it time, you just got here.

Veronica: Look Dad, do what you gotta do, okay? I've seen too much working here to ever be surprised again.

Keith: I know you, Veronica. You're not that jaded.

Veronica: I didn't used to be. I had this one shining example that gave me some faith.

Veronica: [voiceover] So what would Stan Marsh say in a situation like this? I think we all learned a valuable lesson about faith. You give it to the people you love. But the people who really deserve it are the ones who come through, even when you don't love them enough.

Lord of the Pi's

Veronica: I'm off to steal the souls of the rich with my evil image capturing device.

Keith: Have fun.

Logan: Why can't you for once just leave things alone?

Veronica: Okay, now you're starting to piss me off.

Logan: [yelling] Frankly, Veronica, so what? You're not invincible, and you're not always right.

Keith: Hey! You might want to stop yelling at my daughter.

Logan: Yeah? You might want to start.

Dick: So, not only did Chip get Kojak'd, someone put a Roman numeral on one of those little plastic Easter eggs, and stuck it in his… where-the-sun-don't-shine place. And you know where that is.

Veronica: Worst. Easter Egg Hunt. Ever.

Veronica: Side question: what do you know about Patrice Petrelli?

Hallie: God! What's with all the questions? What's next — do you wanna know where I buried Jimmy Hoffman?

Veronica: Dustin's brother?

Veronica: That's all sweet and great, but it doesn't really work that way. It's not like this is all some new facet of my personality. You know who I am. You know what I do.

Logan: And?

Veronica: And this isn't gonna change. And if you can't accept that, this isn't gonna work.

Logan: And you know who I am. And you're constantly expecting me to change. [she looks at him dumbfounded] And even right now as you're thinking, "Crap, he's got a point," you still think you're ultimately right. I love you Veronica. I love you. [after no response] Do you love me?

Veronica: Yeah.

Logan: Then can we try to go a little easier on each other?

Veronica: Yeah. I think that's a good idea.

Logan: [hugs her] So are we okay?

Veronica: Yeah, we're okay.

Spit & Eggs

[Dick moons the women activists' float as they celebrate the fall of the Greek system.]

Veronica: Great job, Dick. I'm sure you won that debate.

Logan: Well, he's a master debater.

Veronica: Something wrong?

Logan: I can't do this anymore, Veronica. [Veronica looks at him in confusion] You know, I've been thinking... this isn't working. And I don't think I quite measure up to the person you want me to be and... I just can't take feeling like a disappointment anymore.

Veronica: Logan, I don't...

Logan: [interrupts her] Wait, let me get this out okay? The other thing... you told me you weren't built to let people help you.

Veronica: That's not exactly what I said...

Logan: It's close. And you know what? I'm not built to stand on the sidelines. [Veronica nods] And I think we have a choice. I think we can take a tough, but survivable amount of pain now...or stay together and deal with unbearable pain later. So I vote for the pain now. [They both start to tear up] But I'm always here... if you need anything. [kisses her on the forehead] But you never need anything.

Veronica: Howdy, boys. Anyone up for going to a Pi Sig blowout? [Wallace and Piz look unimpressed] Beer and ladies and music...and other stuff guys like, I'm sure? Fast cars, loose slots, electronic gadgetry? Televised sports? Pornography? Nothing? None of this grabs you?

Piz: We were already planning on going.

Wallace: I think everybody at Hearst is gonna be there.

Veronica: Awesome. Then you can help me out.

Wallace: Suddenly, it sounds like a lot less fun.

Mac: Are you freaking kidding me? The Pi Sig mega apocalypse? Hump the furniture, party back to the stone age, fifty keg bacchanalia?

Veronica: Sounds like fun, right?

Mac: Will they let me in? I think all the glitter has come off my porn star tube top.

Veronica: Please, Mac. I could really use the help. [goes down on her knees, begging]

Mac: ...Resistance is futile.

Mercer: Unicorns? Really? Well, we'll definitely be needing some mood music. You know, techno has a bad reputation, but I think it's undeserved. Groan if you disagree. Good. We're on the same page. It's unfortunate that when you wake up, all you'll know is that your hair is gone...because it's gonna be good. I'd wager your best ever. And it's a me thing, I'm sorry to say. I...have no patience. I mean, if I'd met you in a bar or at a party, I would have had you back here and on your back in an hour. But that's an hour of my life I would have never had back, an hour of listening to you talk about unicorns and your high-school boyfriend and how you hate the taste of beer. I'm just taking what you would have happily given. I mean, that's hardly a crime.

Show Me the Monkey

[Mac arrives with two people in white lab coats.]

Veronica: Mac! And the people coming to take me away.

[The trio mentions the missing monkey and lab rats.]

Veronica: Monkey?

Mac: As in "touch my".

[Talking about relationships]

Veronica: Like why bother with something that's not good, cause if it's not good -

Piz: It's bad. Exactly. But these guys were like, 'as long as she's got a pair of-' [makes a motion for breasts and Veronica gives him a look] You know, it was indelicate.

Veronica: What's indelicate about shoes?

Piz: [laughs] But I figure, you know I know what I like. Why waste my time?

Veronica: Like why bother with something that's not good, just because it's something?

Piz: Especially when you know the difference. Which not many people do. I mean, do you?

Veronica: I - I think I do.

Piz: You see I think it's like 90% of life, just knowing the difference.

Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves

Lamb: Always looking for a crime where there isn't one. Think you need a new hobby, Keith.

Keith: Oh, I don't know. I find solving an investigation very relaxing. You should give it a try some time.

Veronica: Brian and Fred, as demented as this sounds, thought you'd have more confidence with girls if you... lost your virginity.

Max: I'm gonna go kill my friends now, so, if you could just leave me a bill.

Max: Can you still find her?

Veronica: Um... yes. But she'll still be a prostitute.

Max: I'm not stupid, Veronica, okay? We had something, I know it. There are some things you can't fake.

Veronica: And there are some things women are universally known for faking, and this girl is a professional.

Max: When I dropped her off at the airport, she had tears in her eyes.

Veronica: Are you sure she wasn't thinking of the cab fare back?

[Veronica does an online search for Max's hooker based on his nerdy friends' description.]

Veronica: It's like a Zagat guide for hookers. How did people find sex before there was an Internet?

Veronica: I just want to get to a place with you where we can be really... intimate.

Logan: That's what the female praying mantis says before she bites the male's head off.

There's Got to Be a Morning After Pill

Logan: Jeans, bold choice. Hope the maitre'd is fashion forward.

Veronica: Did you and Madison have sex over winter break?

[Logan looks at Veronica and doesn't respond]

Veronica: I asked you point blank--

Logan: And I lied. Point blank. It wasn't information that you had a right to know. I knew you wouldn't be able to deal with the Madison thing.

Veronica: Which 'thing' are you talking about? The 'she roofied me thing' or the thing 'when I stumbled to my car in the morning wondering where my virginity was and she had written slut on my windshield'? Was that what you thought I couldn't deal with? I am so genuinely sick right now. If I could've eaten anything today I'd be throwing up all over your floor.

Logan: We were broken up at the time.

Veronica: You know how I feel about her! There is no way that at some point while it was happening you weren't thinking about how much I'd hate you being with her.

Logan: It wasn't like that.

Veronica: No? Do you want another variation cause I have a million sickening scenarios running on a loop right now.

Logan: I wasn't trying to hurt you.

Veronica: Oh no. Really? Imagine if you tried.

Logan: What do you want me to do? What can I do?

Veronica: Make it not true. Get it out of my head and never let me think about it again. Cause unless you can do that, this is something I'm never getting past.

Veronica: I can't believe these people. They sit up in a building with their telephoto lens and take pictures of people in their most private, personal moments. That's disgusting.

Keith: Ah, honey, that's how we pay the rent.

Rev. Capistrano: Try to be forgiving. It’s the only way. Anger will tear you down. It'll make you less of the person that you want to be. And it will tear apart your soul. The Bible teaches us that he who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit can capture a city. He who is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who is quick-tempered exalts folly.

Postgame Mortem

Note from Keith: "If you've eaten any of this breakfast, you now owe me. Invoices have to go out today. See you at the office."

Veronica: And I always fall for it.

Dick: So, in other news, I met this girl a couple weeks ago at a party. Hot! Like, volcanic hot. Like, I might have to use an oven mitt to feel her up. Blink if you understand. She's coming here tonight, and she's bringing her sister, who, I might add, she described as practically her twin. By the way, I did a little research on pathetic sad sackery, and "hot sister" is the recommended treatment.

Logan: No, thanks.

Dick: You sure? We're thinking about going to the swim team's beach blanket blow-out. You can wear your t-shirt that says, "I'd rather be home crying."

Dick: Dude, you're not helping.

Logan: I'm aware of that.

Dick: I live here, too, you know. This is my home. People walk in, they don't think, "this little clean area is Dick's, and the hidden bottles of urine are Logan's." They think "Silence of the Lambs basement," and their desire to get naked near me takes a nose dive. You're lucky you're rich. This would be completely disgusting.

Veronica: Hey, Weevil, I'm trying to have a word with whoever's running the PCHers these days, and I was hoping you might be able to hook me up.

Weevil: Sure thing. Let me just call my parole officer and give him a heads-up I'll be cavorting with known criminals.

Weevil: I don't know what to say. Gang kids are usually quite punctual.

Veronica: It's all right. Part of me actually hopes they don't show.

Weevil: Veronica Mars, scared of a few bikers? Not even a quarter college-educated and already you're square as—

Veronica: It's not the bikers, per se. It's more what they represent.

Weevil: I rest my case.

Veronica: If they show, they probably didn't do it, which would look not so good for Josh. If they don't show, there's a good chance they did it.

Weevil: Maybe they're here to confess.

Mars, Bars

Keith: I need to see the sheriff.

Deputy Sachs: I don't know, Keith. He looks kind of busy.

Keith: Well, that's something I gotta see.

Veronica: Actually, that’s just why I’m in jail: To avoid Valentines Day.

Cliff: Who wants out of jail?

Veronica: I do! I do!

Sheriff Lamb: I know you from somewhere.

Wallace: Yeah, you told me to go see the Wizard and ask him for some guts.

Sheriff Lamb: Well, did you?

Wallace: Yeah. [smirks] He said to let you know that you're the only sheriff in America that he considers a true Friend of Dorothy.

Keith: Honey...why is there a pistol in the freezer?

Veronica: Because there's this guy, see, and I want to put him on ice. Because revenge is a dish best served cold. Because I want to commit murder in the 28th degree?

Keith: Stop.

Papa's Cabin

[In the cafeteria, Veronica looks bemused as Wallace reports on Logan and Parker's lunchtime tête-à-tête.]

Wallace: What?

Veronica: I'm just trying to figure out which Gilmore girl you are.

Veronica: If you're wondering where I am, I'm hanging out outside a convenience store, eating corn nuts and watching strippers.

Keith: Are you doing drugs?

Veronica: No.

Keith: Good.

[Veronica finds Tim checking a computer with gloved hands.]

Veronica: Nice gloves. You heading to the parlor to strangle Colonel Mustard after this?

Tim:: We're breaking and entering. I can't leave prints.

Veronica: Use your sleeve! It's less creepy.

Logan: Mars!

Veronica: We're on a last name basis now? We've skipped right over androgynous nicknames.

Logan: I tried calling you "Chuckles", but it didn't stick.

Veronica: Man, you get everyone to confess.

Keith: I think it's the uniform. Do you have anything to confess?

Veronica: Yes. You embarrass me.

Un-American Graffiti

Veronica: 8 a.m. - shouldn’t you be in a wet suit somewhere?

Logan: Early Poli. Sci.

Veronica: And you’re actually going?

Logan: Yeah, I even bought this amazing pen that accents text in neon colors.

Veronica: Ah, a highlighter.

Logan: Lots of advancements since the last time I buckled down.

Logan: What about you?

Veronica: "Violence in early adolescence."

Logan: Need me to autograph your textbook?

Veronica: Thanks, but...

Logan: Hey, by the way, I am throwing I birthday party for Parker this weekend. I’ve been studying up too. I watched My Super Sweet Sixteen. That reminds me, do you know where I can get about a dozen eunuchs?

Veronica: Not offhand, but I could make some calls.

Keith: Hello, Stosh. What do you say we head out, have a few beers?

Piz: That's one of those trick questions, isn't it?

Keith: I got some new IDs for you. Wallace. [hands Wallace and Piz their new IDs]

Piz: This picture is Jon Bon Jovi.

Keith: Yes. It is.

Wallace: Biggie Smalls? We don't really all look alike, Mr. Mars.

Keith: I know that, Wallace. Now, let's go out and get our drink on.

Veronica: Nothing says "I'm over you" like dating down.

[Max and Mac are laughing and hitting it off]

Max: Okay, seriously, did my friends hire you?

Debasement Tapes

Veronica: So...Piz didn't say anything about the whole party...thing?

Wallace: Like how you two made out in the hall and then you took off? Why? Is he calling you all the time?

Veronica: He called once. The day after. But...how would you interpret his mood?

Wallace: You want me to have this talk? Am I a twelve year old girl?

Veronica: No...but you're drinking Fresca and watching Joan Crawford movies.

Mac: Is the eggplant good?

Spaghetti Server: It's okay.

Mac: How about that stuff?

Spaghetti Server: It's good.

Mac: It's probably horrible for you, right? I'll stay with the eggplant. No, wait - what do you think? [pause] I need to see a psychiatrist.

Veronica: I was thinking more an English professor. What we're dealing with her is an absurd level of symbolism. [to server] Two lasagnas.

Spaghetti Server: Okay.

Mac: Symbolism?

Veronica: I mean, the Bronson Parmigiana is good for me, but, ooh! The Maxuccine looks awfully tempting.

Mac: It's not my fault Max won't stop calling. Like you should talk.

Veronica: Me? I'm not ordering good boy while wishing I ordered bad boy.

Mac: No, you gave up bad boy, but keep asking for samples of good boy.

Veronica: No, I - wait, what?

Mac: Okay, if Logan is the fettucine... [cellphone rings]

Veronica: It's the eggplant.

Mac: And his role in this enterprise?

Dick: Consultant. I'm an ass expert.

Logan: Yes, except for the expert part.

Dick: I'm an ass? Who would you ask for advice about lions, a lion or a gerbil? Gerbil, you say? No, you would ask a lion, because by virtue of being a lion, a lion is an expert on lions. So... Okay. I don't see how you hope to launch a website about hot asses without me, but fine. It's Friday night. If I walk long enough in a straight line, I'll hit a party.

Wallace: So, are you surviving?

Veronica: Surviving what?

Wallace: Helping Piz. You know, his puppy dog eyes on you all the time.

Veronica: It's weird. Like you said, normal Piz. Like nothing ever happened.

Wallace: [amused] Which bothers you, because making out with you is supposed to be some life-changing experience.

Veronica: I don't know. I just... Why are we talking about this?

Wallace: I thought you liked these kind of conversations.

Veronica: No.

Wallace: I was hoping we could follow it up with a cuteness countdown of the Baldwin brothers.

Veronica: I hope we're still friends after I Taser you.

Max: [showing Mac how his term-paper website works.] For the dumb, billable links at the top, disguised as functions.

Mac: So they link without realizing.

Max: And I make a dollar. See, the point of the Internet is to make money off of stupid people.

Logan: I like how you think, Max.

Mac: That sound you hear is my idealism quietly shattering.

Max: That other sound you hear is my cynicism laughing at your idealism shattering.

Mac: Well, it won't be laughing when I crash your greedy little evil website.

Max: I'll be laughing when you try.

Mac: Will you? Maybe I'm in your trusted-host table already.

Logan: Should I get a camera? There's gotta be someone out there that'd pay to see this hot nerd-on-nerd action.

I Know What You'll Do Next Summer

Veronica: You realize you're the radio-host version of a rock star, right? I don't know what the groupie procedure is for this scenario, but I might have to throw my panties at you.

Piz: Or I could autograph you. I believe we have some Sharpies lying around.

Veronica: Tell your roommate I came by hoping to kill time between classes getting to second base with someone, and then left unsatisfied.

Wallace: He's a good guy, Veronica. Try not to rip out his heart.

Mac: [sighs] I have to, have to, have to go to my morning classes tomorrow. I'm getting lost in the "sex-nap-eat-repeat" loop. I'm in the porn version of Groundhog Day.

Max: "Poundhog Day"?

[In an evening walk, Mac confides to Veronica her dismay about her relationship with Max.]

Mac: Love makes me lazy. It's a dangerous drug. Kills more brain cells than crystal meth. How's your cell count these days?

Veronica: Mmmm, I can still do long division, but I can't quite remember all the continents.

Mac: So, Pizneyland is the happiest place on Earth?

Veronica: Happy enough. There's no rollercoaster, but I think I can do without the adrenaline and nausea.

Kizza: I'm looking for detective Mars.

Veronica: I'm detective Mars.

Kizza: But you're just a girl. You're a teenager.

Veronica: A girl, a teenager, and a private detective - I'm a triple threat. Barely fits on my business card.

Weevils Wobble But They Don't Go Down

Veronica: I just hope Piz isn't planning on moping his way through the remainder of freshman year. It's not like I'm taking an internship at a Mister Softee in Wachoota. It's the FBI. The F. B. I.

Mac: At the very least, Piz should think it's hot.

Veronica: Actually, he does think it's pretty hot. He'd just think it was hotter if I were doing it in Neptune.

Mac: He wants to date you and be near you? Greedy little bugger.

Veronica: And if he didn't care, I'd probably be complaining about that...to my girlfriend...while waiting to pay for frozen yogurt. I'm a girl!

Veronica: What?

Mac: Miss Mars uses Venus razor.

Veronica: Because if she doesn't, her legs look like Pluto's.

Mac: And she's down-to-earth to boot.

Veronica: I think I read in Teen People that a clean leg shave will make that special boy sit up and take notice.

Mac: I read in FHM that boys like bare breasts.

Veronica: Interesting. I did not know that. Bare breasts, you say? Hm.

Veronica: Hey, you never told me what happened with your whole man crush thing.

Mac: Wallace has a man crush?

Piz: The man crush isn't me, is it?

Veronica: Some guy following him around campus. Is it Piz?

Piz: So, what's the protocol for a plane christening? I mean, does someone get to, like, smash the, uh, Sea Monkey with a miniature bottle of champagne?

Wallace: The protocol? Pray to whatever god you believe in she flies. Otherwise, my ass is grass.

Veronica: Orville Wright's exact words, if I recall.

Piz: I'm so nervous. This is totally knotting up my inner nerd.

Mac: Wait, you have an inner one?

Veronica: I guess you're all asking yourself why I called this meeting. [pause] What? That's comedy gold

Patrick: She knows about my dad's company.

Veronica: And I know that Leon's cryptography research wasn't really stolen. Let's see one guy to steal the machine one guy to program it and everyone to point the finger at the ex-con maintenance guy and the injustice league strikes again

Patrick: Who are you calling?

Veronica: The surgeon general.

Jenny: She's calling her dad, the sheriff.

Veronica: Good call Jenny, see you're not just here for your looks.

Patrick: Hang up please we can work this out you can be one of us.

Veronica: Is this where you turn me into a vampire?

Patrick: We can make it worth your while.

Veronica: All right I'm listening.

Patrick: So what is that maintenance guy paying you anyway?

Veronica: Cash.

Patrick: Don't turn us in can give you your very own Hearst ID.

Veronica: Oh I have one, thanks.

Patrick: This one is the everlasting gobstopper of spending money ,you'll never have to pay for another textbook, another ticket to a campus performance, another meal.

Veronica: Assuming that I want to eat meals in the food court for the rest of my life, besides you're lying, you don't have the machine you left it in the locker next to Mr. Navarro's

Jenny: There's a third one.

Leon: I've already programmed it.

Patrick: The only reason we got busted is cause we used stupid aliases we get new cards, generic names and we don't get caught again.

Jenny: You're a scholarship kid right.

Patrick: Yeah its gotta be really tough paying for all those meals and textbooks.

Veronica: It is which is why a bunch of kids who can afford to ski in Aspen getting their kicks by ripping off my school and blaming it on the nearest kid from the wrong side of the tracks pisses me off so much.

Patrick: You think that ski picture is proof, that doesn't prove anything.

Veronica: But this conversation does.

[begins to play a recording of the conversation on her phone]

Veronica: I wont bore you with the rest but I'll bet it means jail time, or if you'd prefer you can go throw yourselves at the mercy of the campus police I'm sure they'll be more merciful than my dad, especially after he finds that third machine in one of your dorm rooms.

Jenny: Like we keep it in a dorm room.

Veronica: If I don't hear by tomorrow that the charges against my client have been dropped by tomorrow afternoon I'm taking everything I've got to the finest sheriff's department in Balboa county. And try to keep it down in here, okay, it's a library.

The Bitch Is Back

Veronica: Dick? Get out here.

Dick: What's up, V?

Veronica: If you had to bet?

Dick: Look, from a guy's perspective, the video just made your stock go up. You looked great. Enthusiasm — always a plus—

Veronica: It's like you're this giant jackass piñata begging for someone to beat the candy out of you. Where'd you get the video?

Dick: Someone e-mailed it to me.

Veronica: Who? Get your computer.

Dick: I probably deleted—

Veronica: After all these years, do you not instinctively fear me? Maybe you should write yourself a note. You forwarded it to your whole address book?

Dick: It was instinct. I always forward porn when it's good.

Veronica: You are going to be so popular in Hell.

Veronica: Chip, a moment of your time.

Chip: I'm kinda in the middle of something.

Veronica: It's a cluster of morons, don't worry they'll let you back in.

Chip: You know what I like about you, you got spirit.

Veronica: I want to talk to you.

Chip: That's what you're doing.

Veronica: Could you put your head up your ass before they stuck the egg in there or is this new?

Chip: What do you want.

Veronica: Who sent you the video.

Chip: Don't know, don't care.

Veronica: You don't care now, but holy crap are you gonna care when I start to get my revenge on, you'll be doin' all sorts of caring.

Mac: Let me explain something, Veronica. I own the most powerful personal computer on campus. There is no personal computer faster or better than mine at Hearst. And using this incredible computer of mine, it will take twenty years to crack Jake Kane's password on this hard drive.

Veronica: So how do we do it?

Mac: You're like Kirk in Wrath of Khan. You refuse to believe in the no-win scenario.

Veronica: You're like one of the nerds from Revenge of the Nerds with your Star Trek references.

Gory: If you have proof that I'm involved in some way, maybe you should get a lawyer. If you don't, maybe you should just stay and have a drink.

Veronica: Yeah. I'm definitely gonna need a drink. Perhaps twelve. I don't know, how many does it usually take for a girl to find you not gross?

Veronica: Hey, Nish. I've got a present for you.

Nish: You're transferring?

Veronica: A list. The names of every member of the Castle. All men. You think this will help with that lawsuit?

Nish: Oh, my God. Politicians. Tycoons. Celebrities. This is gold. You're gonna make some very powerful men very unhappy.

Veronica: Won't be the first time.

Cast

Season 4

Watching Harlots

Veronica: There it is: that vintage Logan Echolls jealousy. Oh, I'm gonna main-line it.

Veronica:

External links

Wikipedia

Wikipedia has an article about:

Veronica Mars

Veronica Mars quotes at the Internet Movie Database