Two and a Half Men (season 8)

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Two and a Half Men (2003–2015) is a TV series original centered around a hip single bachelor whose lifestyle is interrupted when his newly separated brother and his son move in.

Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud [8.01]

[Alan & Charlie see a girl sneak out across Charlie's deck]

Alan: ...Yours?

Charlie: Alan, she's, like, 16.

Alan: Again I ask, hoping I won't be called to testify...yours?

Charlie: No! She's coming from Jake's room.

Alan: Why would a girl be leaving Jake's room at 7 in the morning?

Charlie: Why do you think??

Alan: Oh, come on, he's 16!

Charlie: Not everybody waits until they're a junior in college, Alan.

Alan: Sophomore, and I still wasn't emotionally ready.

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Charlie: An orgy requires a minimum of six people.

Alan: What?

Charlie: It goes (counting on his fingers) masturbation, one-on-one, three-some, two couple swinging, two couple swinging with a looky-loo, (holds up six fingers) orgy's six. sin pena elo

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Charlie: I gotta pee. You mind, Judith?

Judith: Just try to hit the bowl this time.

Charlie: Don't worry, I only miss when I've been drinking. [takes a swig of beer]

Alan: [leaving through the front door] I'll wait in the car.

[Charlie spots the two girls from before now sneaking out of the house, unseen by Judith and Alan]

Charlie: Hey, Judith, is there surfing around here?

Judith: What're you talking about? We're 20 miles from the beach.

Charlie: That's what I thought...I'm so proud of that kid!

A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer [8.02]

Berta: (on how she gets people to leave) Just tell 'em you missed your period and you're out of pot.

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(Alan is moving out and Charlie has helped him pack. Alan finds a box labeled "Porn & Blow-Up Doll.")

Alan: You couldn't spell "Miscellaneous"?

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(Charlie has bribed Jake and Eldridge with five one-hundred dollar bills and told them to split it up any way they want.)

Eldridge: No matter how I figure it out there's gonna be one left over!

Springtime on a Stick [8.08]

"We're not dating. We have an arrangement. Arrangement? I let him climb on top of me a couple of times a month, and he pays my rent." "...when he touches me, I want to vomit."

Mm Mm, Don't Do It? [8.10]

Courtney: Hi, Charlie.

Charlie: Courtney? I thought you were in prison.

Courtney: I was, but I'm out now. Wanna go to Vegas?

Charlie: Are you kidding? I'm in the middle of Thanksgiving with my family. Last time we were together you kind of ripped me off.

Courtney: I haven't had sex in three years.

Charlie: Bye, everybody.

Chocolate Donuts and My Puppy's Adopted [8.12]

Harper: For every gorgeous woman out there, there's a guy who's tired of banging her.

Skunk, Dog, Crap and Ketchup [8.13]

Mackelroy: Before we go any further, I'd like to take something off the table.

Harper: What?

Mackelroy: My ass.

Looking For Japanese Subs [8.14]

[Jake is planning with Eldridge to make a 'Human Fart Rocket' for their show Dumbass]

Alan: What are you doing?

Jake: Fixing Eldridge something to eat.

Alan: Really?

Eldridge: Yes, I was feeling peckerish.

Alan: You mean "peckish".

Eldridge: Fine, if you wanna dicker. [Jake and Eldridge laugh]

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[Jake has just performed "The Human Volcano" and thrown up on Alan]

Alan: Cool stunts!?! I-in God's name, why!?!

Jake: You've heard of Jackass?

Alan: Yeah.

Eldridge: We are Dumbass.

Alan: [Sarcastically] Really? However did you come up with that name?

Eldridge: Well, we thought, what's better than Jackass?

Alan: That was kind of a rhetorical question.

Jake: It was between Dumbass and the Ass-kateers.

Alan: [Sarcastically] Really? I think you made the right call.

Jake: Think so?

Alan: Oh, yes. I respect your decision. Now get this cleaned up!

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[After Jake and Eldridge almost injure themselves in the shopping cart stunt]

Alan: Do you realize how lucky you are? You could have broken your necks.

Jake: There were precautions.

Alan: You flew off the roof! In a shopping cart! What precautions?

Eldridge: We were trying to land in the ocean.

Alan: You missed it by a hundred yards!