Two and a Half Men (season 7)

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Two and a Half Men (2003–2015) is a TV series original centered around a hip single bachelor whose lifestyle is interrupted when his newly separated brother and his son move in.

818-jklpuzo [7.1]

[While Mia is singing incredibly badly in a recording studio, the music operator gives Charlie an incredulous look]

Charlie: I know, it's hard to believe I'm not banging her.

Operator: Then why are we here?

Charlie: She's an old friend and I'm helping her out.

Operator: You really wanna help her? Sneak up behind her with a big rock.

Whipped Unto the Third Generation [7.2]

Mmm, Fish. Yum. [7.3]

Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator [7.4]

For the Sake of the Child [7.5]

Alan: [Reading a self-help book] Okay, name three things you would change about me.

Charlie: Your personality, your wardrobe and your address.

Charlie: The way you chew your food, the hair in your ears and your address.

Alan: That stopped being funny a week ago.

Charlie: Judges?

Berta: Still funny.

[Charlie and Alan are playing a Word game in which they insult each other with letters of the alphabet]

Alan: You are a lush!

Charlie: You are a leech!

Alan: You are a misogynist!

Charlie: You are a mistake!

Alan: You are a... What are we up to?

Charlie: N.

Alan: Thank you. You are a necrophiliac!

Charlie: She was drunk, not dead, I challenge!

Alan: Okay, fine. You are a narcissist.

Charlie: Better. You are a nancy-boy.

Alan: You are old!

Charlie: You are oddly-shaped.

Alan: [Phone rings] Hang on.

Charlie: You are a parasite.

Alan: Not your turn. [Answers phone] Hello. Oh, hey, Judith. What's up? What do you mean what happened with Jake? We had a nice weekend. Well, we went driving, to the movies, um, ice cream.

Charlie: Quack, rectal, suckwad!

Alan: [To Charlie] I never got my "P".

Charlie: All you do is pee.

Alan: [To Judith] What? What? Nothing. Just a little word game. You know, exercise the brain. [To Charlie] Twit!

Charlie: Turd burglar!

Alan: [To Judith] Judith, I don't know what Jake's problem is. We had a terrific weekend. Huh. [To Charlie] Jake says he doesn't wanna come here anymore.

Charlie: Really? Why?

Alan: I don't know. [To Judith] Did he say why? Charlie and I don't bicker. I mean, no more than any other couple of guys. [To Charlie] Right?

Charlie: Right! Oh, oh, oh! You are a eunuch!

Alan: That's E, not U. Learn to spell. Useless! [to Judith] Look, I don't know what to tell you. He's a teenager. He'll get over it. Okay. Okay. Bye-bye. [hangs up] Well, I hope you're happy.

Charlie: I haven't been happy in seven years.

Alan: For your information, I will not have been here seven years until next fall.

Charlie: Oh, good to know. Circle the date on the calendar so I'll know when to hang myself.

Alan: Ha, ha. Funny. It's because of you, Jake doesn't wanna come here anymore. Great.

Charlie: Tell me what I did so I can do it to you!

Alan: God, you are such a... What are we up to?

Charlie: V.

Alan: Varmint! You are a varmint.

Charlie: Yeah, well, you are a vagina!

Alan: You're calling me a vagina?

Charlie: No, no, no. No, that's too good for you. What you are is vagina-adjacent.

Berta: You know, for some women, this could be considered a hostile work environment.

Give Me Your Thumb [7.6]

Untainted by Filth [7.7]

Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle. [7.8]

Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair [7.9]

That's Why They Call It Ball Room [7.10]

Warning, It's Dirty [7.11]

Fart Jokes, Pie, and Celeste [7.12]

Charlie: So what's the plan?

Jake: I'm gonna finish writing her this song and then I'm gonna sing it to her.

Charlie: Ok uh, is that the entire plan?

Jake: No, I'm also gonna put on a clean shirt.

Charlie: Oh, pulling out the big guns.

Alan: You can't do this, Judith, you cannot keep us apart. Herb and I will find a way to be together.

Mailman: Hi.

Alan: Hi, that must have sounded kinda strange.

Mailman: Not at all. Herb is a very handsome man.

Charlie: You know, you make it really difficult to love you sometimes.

Jake: Yeah, that's what my mom says.

Jake: I miss Celeste.

Charlie: I miss Chelsea.

Alan: I miss Herb... I mean, Sex and the City, I miss Sex And The City.

Charlie: Yeah, Alan, that's much less gay.

Yay, No Polyps [7.13]

Charlie: I need something cooling and soothing. You could roast a marshmallow on my anus.

Jake: You know what would be good for dessert? S'mores.