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The Watch

2012 film directed by Akiva Schaffer

The Watch is a 2012 science fiction comedy film about four men who form a neighborhood watch group as a way to get out of their day-to-day family routines who find themselves defending the Earth from an alien invasion.

Directed by Akiva Schaffer. Written by Jared Stern, Seth Rogen, and Evan Goldberg.
Got protection?

Evan Trautwig

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  • You've been planning an alien invasion... in my Costco?

Bob McAllister

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  • Here's the best case scenario: he's a lonely old man, he wants to waltz, he wants to listen to some of the old songs from his childhood. Worst case scenario: you're getting fucked in the ass.
  • Singing was their hobby. Closing ass was their job.
  • [about his massage chair] That is the best 2300 bucks I ever spent. I got it at a place called relaxtheback.com. It's like Toys-R-Us for your ass and back.

Franklin Fawcett

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  • Pigs have uniforms, I think we should have uniforms too. Gotta match those fuckers on every level.
  • [revealing his gun collection] Welcome to candyshop, motherfuckers!
  • Lock and load, bitches! Anything from outer space, kill it!
  • Fuckin' alien came on my face.
  • You don't fuck with Bob! You show Bob respect. Bob's my special guy. That's right! That's right. That just happened. You don't tell your parents about this. You don't tell your friends about this. You write it in your dream journal. You lock it up and put it under your pillow. I will come back here and I will kill each and every one of you! Except for those two hot girls I was talking to. They have my information, please have them get in contact with me. They seam great.

Jamarcus Perkins

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  • It's OK. Touch my goo, Bob!

Manfred Salisbury

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  • Neighborhood watch. What a fucking joke!

Dialogue

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Jamarcus: I have this one scenario in my mind. I kinda hope it plays out like this: young, sexy, Asian housewife, alone at night, frightened. A noise out by the trash cans. Best call the neighborhood watch. I show up, look heroic, and then... get this - she sucks my balls.
Franklin: I'm also interested in that happening to me.
Jamarcus: [about the uniforms] Can I just say, Bob, that these are the shits?
Franklin: Just "the shit."
Jamarcus: These are just shit.
Evan: [Looking at green gunge] Wait a second. I've seen this stuff before.
Franklin: Had you just won a Kids' choice award?
Jamarcus: Nice to meet you.
Manfred: Fuck you, curly!
Bob: You know what, pal? If being overly aggressive and a little bit snippy was a crime, I'd be making a citizen's arrest right now.
Manfred: Why don't you just shut your cocksucker there, dickweed?
Bob: What the fuck is he doing here?
Evan: It's ok he saved us!
Franklin: Ya he came in here jackin' dicks left and right.
Jason: Is it true your dad ripped off your last boyfriend's dick?
Chelsea: Yep.
Bob: When are you gonna take the plunge and knock a few out?
Evan: Well, it's not that simple.
Bob: Well, it's about as simple as putting your dick in a vagina. You know what I mean? Make it happen.

Cast

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