The Sarah Silverman Program.

The Sarah Silverman Program. (2007-2010) was a sitcom starring Sarah Silverman, airing on Comedy Central, in which she portrayed a fictionalized version of herself, an unemployed woman who leads an irresponsible life. Her most notable trait is her undiluted, childlike self-absorption, which commonly leads to awkward comedic situations in which she insults friends, family, and total strangers.

Season 1

Officer Jay [1.01]

Officer Jay: M'am do you know why I'm standing here?

Sarah: You got all C's in high school?

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Sarah: I learned so much today, Doug. I learned that orange cough syrup can make your car fly. And I learned that Laura needs a man in her life to feel good about herself. It's sad. Also I learned, whether you're gay, bisexual, it doesn't matter, you know? Because, at the end of the day they're both gross. But mostly I learned that elderly black women are wise beyond their years. But that younger black women are prostitutes. [long pause] Good night?

Humanitarian of the Year [1.02]

Fred: I don't mean to bother you, but, eh, do you think I could get some food?

Sarah: I thought this might happen…Fred if I feed you then you're just gonna learn that food is just this 'free thing' that you don't have to earn. And in a way it's gonna make you homeless-er.

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Sarah: [to her dog, Doug] I learned that gay guys love karate. But they are so unpredictable, like for when they're going to use it. And I also learned that if you open your heart and help people...they're gonna eventually try to stab you to death. Hm. And it's sad.

Positively Negative [1.03]

Nurse: Did you ever have a blood transfusion in the 80s?

Sarah: Yeah.

Nurse: [surprised] You did? You had a blood transfusion in the 80s?

Sarah: Oh! [laughs] No, I thought you said, "in Haiti"

Nurse: How long were you in Haiti?

Sarah: Uh...I don't know. That's kinda hard to say I was doing a lot of heroin at the time.

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Sarah: I learned so much today, Doug. I learned that I should look before I leap. And I learned that...that for some reason people bring tomatoes to AIDS rallies, which is weird. But most of all I learned that...prejudice is ugly. It's wrong to judge people based on whether or not they have AIDS. I mean, you don't have AIDS and I love you just are much as if you did. More even. At any rate, I did get rid of my blahs. Good night Doug.

Not Without My Daughter [1.04]

Brian: You called earlier?

Sarah: Yeah, I want you to come over and do some queer stuff to my daughter.

Brian: Excuse me?

Sarah: Ya know, I mean she needs a whole makeover. I need you guys to come over and do a whole montage on her. Maker her look fabulous and stuff.

Brian: Sarah, being gay doesn't make you genetically able to do makeovers. Besides, do Steve and I seem at all fashionable to you?

Sarah: No! You guys look horrible! I thought it was just like…ya know the shoemakers son has bare feet kinda thing.

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Sarah: Let me tell you a little story about a time when I gave up. About 10 years ago I got pregnant and everyone around me wanted me to give up and have the baby, and for about 8 1/2 months I listened to them. Until finally I worked up the courage to walk into that hospital and say get this thing out of me. And let me tell you something, having an abortion is one of the hardest things anyone could ever do. It took hours. I had to physically push the fetus out of me, and when it came out it was crying and covered in this like gucky stuff. I didn't have the money to pay so I crawled out the window and I went home and watched In Living Color, cause that's what was funny back then. Heather you have a choice, you can walk away and give birth to a failure that will haunt you for the rest of your life. Or you can go out there and have the abortion of your dreams. So what's it going to be?

Muffin' Man [1.05]

Jay: Yeah, so my partner got suspended because this Hispanic kid pulls a gun on him, Paul opens fire. Turns out it's a pellet gun. It looked really real, though.

Laura: There should be a law that those things have to come in bright colors.

Sarah: Laura, they're human beings!

---

Sarah: I don't know where to start with this one, Doug. I mean, I-I've failed at heterosexuality. I've failed at homosexuality. I guess I have to stop thinking that the right person's just going to come along, you know? I have to be the right person. I have to come along. I'm a me-mosexual. Yea, anyway. Good-night Douggie. I hope you die in your sleep tonight. Nah, I'm just kidding. But if it had to be one of us, I hope it's you.

Batteries [1.06]

Sarah: I wish every child had a mother / That's what I wish
I wish we could love one another / If I had one wish
And I wish all the nations belonged to one world / And I wish all religion was love
And I wish the retarded — were resmarted / That's what I wish.

[fade to white]

Black God: Hello, Sarah.

Sarah Are you God's black friend?

---

Steve: So, Natalie, I was really, really sorry to hear about your dad.

Sarah: What happened?

Natalie: My dad was just diagnosed with liver cancer.

Sarah: Oh my God, that's so bizarre. You guys, my remote needs batteries. Everybody be careful, these things happen in threes.

Brian: Why don't you just go to Fan-Tasti-Mart and buy new batteries?

Sarah: Why doesn't Natalie just go to Fantasta-Mart and buy her father alive again, Brian?

Natalie: He's alive, he's just sick.

Sarah: Natalie, please!

Season 2

Joan of Arf [2.02]

Sarah: Hello, my name is Sarah Silverman and I live at 227 Waverly Place Apt. 6D. And I'm here to inform you that I pose a danger to your pets.

Man: A danger? In what way?

Sarah: S-sexually.

Man: Excuse me?

[Sarah hands him a picture of herself]

Sarah: Please let your family know that if they see this woman within fifty feet of an animal to notify the authorities immediately.

Man: This is weird…and I'm gonna shut the door.

Sarah: OK.

---

Sarah: Ladies and Gentlemen, I appeal to you to think of the first man to ever drink milk from the teat of a cow. I bet he got a lot of flak too, but look at him now, he's a genius isn't he? Now I didn't drink from my dog's anus, but who's to say that I couldn't have found the next milk. The next milk could have been in my dog's anus. It turns out it wasn't. If there's an opposite of milk though, I think I may have found that. I challenge you, each and every one of you to go out there and find the next milk. Whether it be in a cat's ear or a dolphins blowhole or a monster's nose. But if you think it's wrong, if you think the curious should be condemned, well I'm afraid we'll never find the next milk, and that's sad.

Face Wars [2.03]

Sarah: I'm a victim of a hate crime!

Jay: What?

Sarah: It's true. The country club would not let me play tennis because I'm Jewish. She's like what's your name, Silverman? And she's like GET OUT - JEW.

Laura: She said that?

Sarah: Yeah, basically. With her eyes. It's like I'm a second class citizen. There's nothing harder than being Jewish in the entire world.

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Eugene: Eh, miss, I think there are harder things than being Jewish. Like being black.

Sarah: Ehm, did black people have the Holocaust?

Eugene: No, but we did have 400 years of slavery.

Sarah: Oh. I'm so sorry you guys had to like, uh, have great singing voices and really catchy songs, while we got…oh yeah! Murder Showers!

Euegene: Ok, so what you're saying is because of our singing we suffered less than the Jews?

Sarah: [pause] …Yes.

Doodie [2.04]

Brian: What are you guys talking about?

Laura: The anti-discrimination bill...for gay people.

Sarah: Yeah, so like now if someone tries to light you on fire or chop off your penis or something, they go to jail, instead of like getting a trophy. I think it's good.

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Sarah: I hate when you leave, but I love watchin' you go.

Laura: Ew, Sarah that's gross

Sarah: And then she speaks.

Ah, Men [2.05]

Laura: Sooo, God seems nice.

Sarah: He's so nice.

Laura: Ohhh...

Sarah: He's so tender. Like, earlier this afternoon I had the worst diarrhea and he acted like he didn't hear anything...

Laura: Oh...

Sarah: ... you know. No jokes, no teases. Listen to me, I'm...I sound so adult.

---

Sarah: Wow, Doug. What a crazy day. I learned that God has created great things like rainbows and baby bell cheese, but he also created some failures like the genocide in Darfur or the last season of 24. Hey, that rhymes. But one thing's for sure, I know now that God truly is omnipresent because his balls smell like they've been everywhere. Goodnight Dougy; I'm all you've got in the world.

Maid to Border aka Brian's Song [2.06]

Marie: I heard from the Robertsons that their maid has been stealing from them.

Francine: That's the problem with illegal immigrants; they come here to steal from us.

Sarah: Look here old lady. God did not create illegal immigrants for us to insult, he created them for us to enjoy. Now, my maid cleans my entire apartment for almost nothing and she does it with a smile on her face. Or something on her...well I don't know what a frown looks like in Spanish.

Francine: You're just young and uniformed. Illegal immigrants bring crime and perversion and disease into this country.

Sarah: Madame you sicken me and if there was an N-word for old women who play tennis I would use it on you but good.

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Sarah: Well, Doug, it was an unforgettable day. I mean, my maid became the Mayor of Mexico, but then she realized that politics are boring and they pay really crappy and that for her it's just more pleasant to clean the pubes out of my bathtub drain. Hmmm, I guess it's true what they say, Doug; politics do make strange bedfellows. But Dora makes my bed, fellow!

High, It's Sarah [2.07]

Brian: Fat free Nifty chips, toilet paper and diarrhea medicine, it's like isle 1b is a museum of my day.

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Sarah: Brian, your name is brain if you switch the two middle letters.

Brian: I know, I've been high before.

Mongolian Beef [2.08]

Reporter: Ms. Silverman the nation of Mongolia is demanding 100 million dollars. What are you seeking in your counter-suit?

Sarah: Well, I'm certainly not asking for 100 million freaking dollars. Uh, I really just want an apology and uh, for them to change Mongolian beef to sexual predator beef. I also wouldn't mind my face on their dollar, but that's more of, like a bargaining chip.

Reporter: What do you have to say to those people who may view your demands as weird?

Sarah: Well, there was once a people who demanded 40 acres and a mule so I guess we're all kind of weird.

Patriot Tact [2.10]

Brian: [eating cotton candy] Mmm, I love having dinner for breakfast.

Fetus Don't Fail Me Now [2.13]

Sarah: Let's go to brunch. I have a hunger only food can cure.

I Thought My Dad Was Dead, But It Turns Out He's Not [2.14]

Max Silverman: I almost stopped the first 9/11. Everything was in place, but I had diarrhea.

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Laura: I mean that's why all the best TV shows are about hospitals or cops.

Sarah: Well, um, that's funny cause Lost isn't a hospital or a cop.

Kangamangus [2.15]

Sarah: These are words we all say every single day. Squeak a Henry. Talk to the hand. Chillax. Ozay. What's that? You've never heard of "ozay"? Huh. Maybe it's because I just made it up. Congratulations everybody. You are witness to history in the making today. Because "ozay" is going to be greatest thing since saying "the greatest thing since sliced bread". She said that to you? Ozay! How much did that cost? O-zay! The waitress forgot to bring your bacon? Ozay!

[Steve adjusts his glasses while holding a pen, making a dot on the tip of his nose]

Brian: I have a new word, too. "Dotnose".

Laura: What does that mean?

Brian: Oh, you know, it's when something's super obvious. It's just dotnose.

Laura: I don't un— [notices dot on Steve's nose] oh, oh, like when something's written all over your face, it's a total dotnose situation.

Steve: That's the stupidest thing I ever heard.

Brian: Careful, Steve, you're being a real dotnose.

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Jay: Slang is destroying our society. I'm a cop, I see it on the streets everyday. Slang turns dangerous chemicals into fun words. Like rock, Mary Jane. Slang takes young innocent girls and turns them into bitches and hoes.

Season 3