The Red Green Show

The Red Green Show is a Canadian comedy show that ran on CBC and PBS from 1991 to 2006. It focuses on a men's lodge located in rural Ontario and the adventures of its members.

Catch Phrases

Red Green: (repeated line) ...the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape.

Red: (opening line of each Repair Shop segment) If it ain't broke, you're not trying.

Red: (closing line of each Handyman Corner segment) If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

Red: (closing line of each show) Keep your stick on the ice.

Red: (closing line of each Mid-Life Musings segment) Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

All Lodge members: (Possum Lodge oath) Quando omni flunkus, moritati. (Translation: When all else fails, play dead.)

All Lodge members: (Reciting the "Men's Prayer") I'm a man, but I can change, If I have to, I guess.

Anyone: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game!

Other

Harold Green: (reading a letter) "Dear experts --" la la la -- "I find that everything on television is a load of crap. I prefer to use the term 'a load of bad stuff'. Do you think that everything on television is a load of bad stuff?"
Red: Well, yeah. Yeah, it's all crap, as far as I'm concerned.
Harold: Except for this show.
Red: Well, yeah, if you insist.
Hap Shaugnessy: Yeah, I agree. It's all crap. And it could have been so good too, that's what bothers me. It almost makes me sorry I invented it!
Red: Invented what, Hap... crap?
Hap: No... television!

Red: I could be a great astronomer, Harold!
Harold: (to audience) He's always been good at staring off into space, so...

Red: I either have a plan, or I'm an idiot.
Harold: That's good. 'Cause usually you have a plan and you're an idiot.

Red: [Being dangerous is] what gets the juices flowing -- the adrenaline, the testosterone, the hydrogen peroxide...

Red: Isn't this great? We've got no overhead!
Harold: You've got no inhead!

Red: (as he duct tapes a spare tire to the flat tire) This is only temporary, unless it works.

Red: Things don't improve with age. Look at your truck. Look at your roof. Look in the mirror!

Red: Men who need glasses sometimes make passes at women who are already their wives.

Red: If your wife's having a good time and you're not, you're still having a better time than if you're having a good time and she's not.

Red: If you can't stay young, you can at least stay immature.

Campfire songs

Red: Oh, the mountain is high and the valley is low / It's the laws of nature that make it so / If the valley is high and the mountain is low / You're either upside-down or drunk, or both.

Red: A horse with a horn is called a unicorn / A horse with stripes is called a zebra / A horse with wings is called Pegasus / And a horse with a broken leg is called glue.

Red: Oh, your hands are connected to your arms / Your arms are connected to your shoulders / Your shoulders are connected to your body / Your body is connected to your head / Oh, your head is connected to... nothing... / Which explains a lot.

Red: Oh, hats off to my science teachers / They were absolutely right after all / 'Cause I just threw a fridge off my roof / And cold air definitely falls.

Red: Oh, you never see a vampire with a full-grown beard / Yet a vampire can't see his reflection / So a lack of facial hair is unbelievably weird / 'Cause you'd think shaving would be out of the question.

Red: Trapper Jack was hunting bear / A dangerous hobby at best / We brought him back to the doctor in town / And he was a heck of a mess / There was some assembly required / Mostly teeth and bones and hair / Jack had always been good with a knife / But unfortunately, not quite as good as the bear.

Red: Sometimes I get to thinkin' / About all the mistakes I've made / All the people I've hurt / And all the bills I haven't paid / Sometimes I get to thinkin' / I should change and get on the ball... / But then I turn on the ol' TV and I don't get to thinkin' at all.

Red: Oh, they're weighin' the fish at the fish weigh-in / Down at Mercury Creek / First prize is a boat and a thousand bucks / For the biggest fish of the week / I caught me a nice little sunfish / It's gonna make me a winner / Not from the weight of the fish itself / But from the ball bearings I fed it for dinner.

Red: Oh, it looks like there's trouble brewing / At campsite number ten / Old Man Sedgewick is grillin' a fish / And his tent's on fire again / The couple at number fifteen / Their marriage has gone kaput / I don't mind the shouting and swearing / But their trailer bounced right on my foot / There's gunfire off in the distance / At campsite number six / Which proves what we knew all along / That relatives and hunting don't mix / So I'm packing up in the morning / If I stayed I'd be a lunatic / 'Cause all this shouting, swearing and gunfire / Has made me unbelievably, incredibly homesick.

Possum Lodge Word Game

Red: What word comes to mind when you think of bone china or crystal?
Edgar Montrose: Oops!

Red: Let's say your wife is planning a fancy dinner--
Dalton Humphrey: KFC!

Red: This is what normal people drink.
Ranger Gord: Beer.
Red: Um, OK, but this has no taste to it.
Ranger Gord: American beer?

Harold: Mr. Dalton Humphrey, you have 30 seconds to get Uncle Red to say this word- [giggles nervously, too embarrassed to say the word himself, but does point to it on the card] and go!
Dalton Humphrey: [coughs and clears throat]
Red: Sex?

Red: The building you were in when you were married.
Bob Steuyvesant: Motel 6.

Mike Hammer: And today's winner will receive a new house... roof... shingle. [holds it up]

Red: Younger than 20; older than 12.
Dalton Humphrey: Shoplifter?

Red: This is a family member, Mike; the man who slept with your mother.
Mike: Could you be a little more specific?
Red: If your wife had kids, you would be...?
Mike: Long gone.
Red: Aha! Just like your...?
Mike: Father.

Red: This is something you play at parties...
Edgar: Spin the grenade!

Red: This is an animated character. Very wacky. Donald...
Dalton Humphrey: Trump?

Red: Why do you have such a negative attitude towards the festive season, Dalton?
Dalton: Gee, you should come by my house Christmas morning. Then yule see.

Monologues

Harold's Monologue to Rambling Old Men (2:01 Minutes)

Harold: I want to talk to old guys about telling stories that nobody wants to hear.

Harold: You know in Hollywood they actually have a system for telling stories.

Harold: Say for instance you have a movie idea, I got lots okay, but you know anyway.

Harold: A professional with a concise premise of one or two sentences, something like:

Harold: "A meteorologist and his ex-wife chase tornadoes around the Midwest; and a bunch of special effects happens."[He wiggles his fingers trying to help visualize the story, and then he giggles.]

Harold: Yeah, if people like that, and only if they like that, you can go on to tell the treatment.

Harold: And it's just like a little longer version with more details.

Harold: Then if they like that, you can go into the full-blown screenplay. That's it an entirely like two hours! [Harold giggles, making motions with his hands.]

Harold: See how they do that? You see, they a little bit of the story to see if people are interested.

[Harold points to the screen, then folds his hands palms down]

Harold: You older guys... you might want to try that.

[The studio audience laughs, while Harold has his usual smile showing his top teeth like a beaver.]

[Harold moves his hands leave the left hand above the desk, while his right hand is under the desk]

Harold: The next time you guys go to the mall, and you see a bunch of teenagers out there talking about something interesting like the new Alanis Morissette CD. [He gives everyone 2 thumbs up and with a high pitch voice and says] RULES!

Harold: Okay so, and you know it reminds you one of your [making quote marks with his hands to sarcastically emphasize]"Amusing stories".
Harold: Don't launch right in to the two hour version you know, see if you can get their attention like uh, you know.

[Impersonating an old man with a deep voice and sounds like a dumb person]

Harold: "Uh, you uh know one time I uh had to change a tire in the rain, on my way to a wedding."
[The audience laughs while Harold has the right eyebrow raised while he had an open mouth smile that made him look like an idiot.]

Harold: If you are met with cold stares, don't tell the story! Move on, pitch out another idea!

Harold: [He does his old man impression and says]"Duh (Did I) tell you kids about the time I stepped on a birthday cake? Duhuhuh (to emphasize a dumb old man)"

Harold: [Harold pointed his hands at the camera] If they are interested, and only if they are interested, go on with a little bit longer version. But, you know, as for the two hour version is concerned. Trust me; we're willing to wait for the video.

[Audience laughs and the angle of the camera shifts to the right]

Harold: Remember, you're on your own. Don't push it.

[Audience laughs and claps]

Red: [Voice-over during closing credits of series finale] The years that followed saw a lot of changes to the Lodge members. Mike Hamar became the police chief of Possum Lake. With Mike having a legitimate job, the crime rate dropped to zero. Winston got a job investigating government corruption. He knew the territory. Dalton and Anne-Marie took a second chance at happiness by renewing their vows. Ed Frid became the leader of the local animal rights group. Hap Shaughnessy told us he'd been appointed ambassador to Guam. We hoped it was true. Edgar K. B. Montrose attempted to make his own heated recliner using plastic explosives. Hasn't been heard from since. Harold and Bonnie were slowly taking over the community. In fact, everybody changed except me.

North of Forty Advice Segments

Red Green: You’ve probably heard them say that ‘to err is human, but to really mess up you need a computer.’ I’m actually old enough to remember the years B.C. ‘Before Computers.’ Back then, the only use for silicon we knew about was from looking at pictures of pinup girls…which was also our introduction to the concept of ‘Virtual Reality.’ Life was a lot simpler when ‘boot up’ and ‘log on’ was something you did when you wanted to warm your feet by the fire. See, computers were in their infancy then, but like all infants, they eventually grow up to be teenagers and then take over your life. In the last few decades, computers have slowly but surely taken over every aspect of our existence, and there have been a bunch of us who have fought it every step of the way from punch cards to PC’s. Well, I salute the effort. But I’m here to tell you that the battle is over…and we lost, baby! We lost big time! The Palm Pilots have landed. Lay down your arms and get Carpal Tunnel Syndrome like everybody else. The enemy is at the gates…heck, the enemy may even be named Gates. Remember, I’m pulling for you. We’re all in this together.

Red Green: Got a letter from a viewer, seemed like a nice fella. Says he's never missed an episode. He wanted me to do one of these talks about memory loss. I didn't have the heart to tell him I've done three or four of them already. So here goes another one. Apparently, doing crossword puzzles will prevent memory loss. I-I heard that somewhere, can't remember where. Anyway, I thought I'd give it a try, so last night Bernice was gonna be home a bit late, she asked me to put the potatoes on to boil before she got there. So I did that, then I went into the living room and started on a crossword puzzle. The next thing you know, I'm kinda gazing off, thinking, "Boy, I used to know that word." Then, uh...then I heard the smoke alarm go off in the kitchen. And I realized that crosswords don't prevent memory loss, they confirm it. So I say this: don't worry about your memory. As long as you have a wallet and a tackle box, anything you want, you can either buy or fish for. And the only words you need to remember are the ones to explain to your wife how you burned her best pot boiling potatoes. And those words are, "That's what you get for asking me to cook." And there's one other thing you need to remember: I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Red Green: Want to talk to you guys about something all of us are looking for as we go down the highway of life — a half-decent parking spot. I call it "The Seven Stages of Parking." Stage One, you're a kid. All you have to park is your butt. Then you hit Stage Two, you're a teenager. Now you're out parking with a girl who has a pretty good chance of being your future wife. Followed by Stage Three, you're married with kids, now you're parking at McDonald's. The one with the play area. Then we have Stage Four. Kids are grown, and they're working — coincidentally, at McDonald's. You've now gone out, got yourself a sportscar, and you're caught parking with a girl who has no chance of being your future wife. Okay, this leads immediately to Stage Five. Now you're parking in the garage, where you're also living. Now comes Stage Six. You're old. No license, no car, no parking spot. Then we have Stage Seven. You're parked. I'm talking permanently. I mean, you got your own parking spot, even has your name over it. So the lesson here is: life is short, all right? Grab your shifter, move it out of park, and throw it into gear! Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Red Green: [during the series finale] You know, my wife says I'm a person who has a hard time saying goodbye, but that depends. I know people, as soon as they walk up to me, I'm itching to say goodbye. And I don't mean au revoir, I mean adiós. But the truth is, when people are friends, they never really say goodbye. They stay in each other's minds, and every time they think about 'em, they're together again. I used to think that every good memory knocked a hair out of your head. So when you see an old bald guy, you know he's had a pretty good life. I guess the main point I'm trying to make here is, the pattern of life is such that nothing lasts forever. You're not supposed to get pregnant when you're seventy-two...uh, nobody over forty should ever take their shirt off. So as we go through life, it's important that we move from one phase to the next. And we have to say goodbye to the one so that we can say hello to the next. You know, if I say any more, I'll probably burst into that song from Titanic. Anyway, let's just leave it that it's been a great ride, and every time we hear the sweet sound of a strip being torn off a roll of duct tape... [does so] ...we'll think of each other. Might even smile. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [cuts the line on the fishing fly he has been tying, stands up, walks offstage]