The Raccoons

The Raccoons is a Canadian animated television series, first broadcast from 1985 to 1991. The series was created by Kevin Gillis, and produced first at Atkinson Film-Arts (1985-1986), then at newly established Hinton Animation Studios (1987-1991).

Season 1 (1985-1986)

Surprise Attack [1x1]

Cyril: All I've got is my money, this mansion, and my good looks! What would a bunch of dumb raccoons want with that? Heh, heh.....absolutely everything!

Cyril: It’s time to call out my secret service.

Cedric: What secret service?

Cyril: It’s so secret, I haven’t told anyone!

(Cyril is briefing his bears on spying on the raccoons)

Cyril: Attention! Now hear this. You are the hand picked elite. The finest secret service ever created. So secret you don't even know who each other are. Now, here's your mission.

(He starts a projector)

Cyril: These my secretive stoolpigeons are the conspirators. Study them. But don't be fooled. They are not as dumb as they look. Note the masks on their eyes. A sure sign of a thief. A robber. Or maybe even a filthy agitator! Note this one (points to a projection of Schaeffer) - No eyes. Extremely dangerous. Has a keen sense of smell - so take a bath!

(Snag is about to do his business on the bear wearing a tree costume)

Cyril: Don't you dare Snag! I've just had that tree dry cleaned!

Cyril: Try to surprise Cyril Sneer? Well I love to spoil surprises!

Cyril: You are nothing but a powerless paralytic inept ineffective bumbing bunch of deadbeat bears! Some secret service! You didn't even load the camera! You don't seem to realise that if I go, you go! Somewhere out there is an army that is out to destroy everything I've pillaged, cheated, robbed and connived to build. And because of your bumbling they not only know that I know what they know but I don't even know when they'll do what I know they'll do! Anyway, I don't like not knowing! Now get out there and dig up some dirt!

(Cedric is writing a letter to Sophia, only Cyril suddenly interrupts)

Cyril: What's this?

Cedric: My homework!

Cyril: You've been out of school for three years!

Cedric: It's... late?

Cyril: My own son, plotting to overthrow me? Very commendable! I didn't know you had it in you!

(Bert and Sophia have come to rescue Cedric, who is in the dungeon)

Cedric: I'm not supposed to have visitors!

Bert: We're not visitors. We're liberators!

Going It Alone! [1x2]

Ralph: What Melissa wants to talk about Bert is…our private time.

Bert: Our private time? But Ralph, I love our private time! Why I even love our private time when Melissa is with us too!

Bert: I'm not afraid of anything! I even go to sleep without a nightlight!

Cyril: If you can’t make it on your own, then you can’t make it! And that’s the way you’ve got to make it in this world Cedric. Alone!

(Cyril sets off a trap which causes a boulder to roll down the hill to stop Bert getting up the mountain)

Cyril: I built this stuff into the mountain twenty years ago, and it still works!

(The boulder rebounds off the curved trunk of a tree just before it reaches Bert, and is sent flying back towards Cyril and the pigs)

Pig One: Unfortunately sir, but...

Pig Two: That tree wasn't there...

Pig Three: TWENTY YEARS AGO!

Cyril: (About Bert) What? He's still coming? He must be a cat in a raccoon skin suit!

(As they discover the statue of Cyril's uncle hidden on top of the mountain)

Pig One: This is the secret we've been protecting!?

(The pigs laugh)

Cyril: You find something funny about a Sneer that gave away all his money?

Pigs: No sir! No sir!

Cyril: A Sneer who gave everything away to charity? This statue is an embarrassment to me! It could ruin my image forever!

Pig One: But sir, why don't you just destroy it?

Cyril: Destroy it?!?

Pig Two: Oh yes sir, destroy it!

Cyril: On top of by being quiet, humble, generous and kind, I also always keep my word.

Flashback of Cyril's Uncle: Promise me!

Cyril: I suggest you do the same.

Pigs: Yes sir.

Cyril: Because if one breath ever gets out about this, it'll be kicking you off of the 50 yard line at next year's Superbowl! Is that clear?

Pigs: Yes sir!

Pig One: Your secret's safe with us sir!

Pig Two: Our lips are sealed!

Cyril: So's your fate! Now get this eyesore where no one will ever find it!

A Night to Remember [1x3]

Bert: Rub your belly with linseed oil, wrap your head in aluminum foil, Clap your hands, stamp your feet, our secret hand shake can't be beat! YAHOO!

Cedric: That’s it? That’s the fort you guys have been bragging about?

Ralph: Well... I guess it does need a little work here and there.

Cedric: A little work? It needs an architectural firm!

Cyril: Hey you! Bring that umbrella back here! What are you trying to do, turn me purple?

Pig Two: Yes sir! I mean no sir!

Cyril: Of course I want you to check it out! Why do you think I pay you that fancy salary?

Pigs (in unison): But we’ve never been paid!

Cyril: The cheque's in the mail.

Ralph: Well Cedric, those beans ought to hold you till morning.

Cedric: They'll hold me for a month!

Bert: I knew we shouldn't have come out on a full moon!

(The door of the haunted house mysteriously slams shut behind them)

Bert: It was... just the wind!

Cedric: Did you bring me anything special Sophia?

Sophia: Oh yes, Cedric!

Bert: Great! what is it? Peanut Butter?

Melissa: Even better, Bert!

Cedric: Chocolate Pudding?

Sophia: No, something you boys would really enjoy...Beans!

Ralph: Beans?

(All start laughing)

Sophia: Hey Melissa, let's try that secret handshake again!

Ralph: I've got a better idea, let's all try it together!

(Melissa and Sophia giggle as the boys start to sing the secret handshake song)

The Evergreen Grand Prix [1x4]

Cyril: (about the Sneermobile) I want this thing to guzzle gas, belch smoke, and tear up the pavement, not neccesarily in that order!

Ralph: This could be the end of the forest as we know it!

Melissa: This could be the end of our way of life!

Bert: Hey! This could be the beginning of a brand new career!

Cyril: Careful you swine. Ruin this opportunity for me, and you'll all be invited to a big barbeque. Hah. As the main course!

Cyril: Wait til you see the lead we take in this lap Mammoth! There'll be enough daylight between us and them to fill an Arctic Summer!

Cyril: You porkers couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel!

Cyril: Out of my way! I've got millions to make!

The Runaways! [1x5]

Ralph: Hi, Cedric!

Schaeffer: Hey, what's in the bag?

Cedric: Oh, nothing...just a few of my personal belongings...

Melissa: Cedric, is everything all right?

Cedric: No, I've left home. Pop doesn't appreciate me. He thinks I'm just a living, breathing adding machine.

Melissa: Oh, Cedric, Cyril loves you...in his own mercenary way.

Cyril: (To Pig Two) If you were twice as smart as you think you are, you'd still be a halfwit!

Cyril: This place looks like a pig sty!

Pigs: Oh, Thank you, sir! We try sir!

Ralph: Good night Bert, Goodnight Cedric.

Cedric: Goodnight.

Bert: Goodnight.

Cedric: WAIT!

Bert: What is it?

Cedric: I can't fall asleep, until I here my lullaby!

Ralph: I don't think we know your lullaby.

Melissa: Why don't you sing it for us, and maybe we'll learn it for tomorrow night?

Cedric: It's not the same unless Pop is singing it.

Pigs: Boss! Boss!

Cyril: Well? Did you find him?

Pig One: Yes sir, we followed the girl like you said and...

Pig Two: He's with The Raccoons!

Cyril: The Raccoons? I should of known! Their the ones who put him up to this!

Pig One: But sir...

Cyril: Those meddlesome rodents are a bad influence! The've got the poor kid brain washed!

Pig One: But sir, you were the one who made him retire. You were the one who... (Cyril glares at him) ...heh, heh, em, saw through The Raccoons all along.

Cyril: And don't you ever forget it!

Cyril: (singing) A dollar for your thoughts, my son. See money while you sleep. Watch those dollars jump the fence instead of silly sheep. And as each dollar earns its wings, snatch it from the air. Do this a million times my son, and you'll be a millionaire.

Buried Treasure! [1x6]

Bert: Adventure is my middle name!

Cedric: Mine's Sydney!

Pig One: The last time I dug this deep was to pay off a stack of Parking tickets!

Cedric: Pop! It's just a harmless adventure!

Cyril: Adventure? There's no adventure in a treasure that isn't collecting 12 and a quarter percent per annum!

Cedric: Oh no! Removing the treasure's setting off the traps! I thought you said they wouldn't work!

Bert: I guess I can't be right all the time...

(As Cyril and the pigs escape down the river with the treasure, their motor breaks down)

Cyril: What in blazes is going on??

Pig Two: It appears it's given up the ghost, sir!

Cyril: You'll be ghosts if you don't get this barge moving!!!

Cyril: Why aren't you looking for worms?

Pigs: They have a treasure map!

Cyril: Who? The worms?

The Intruders! [1x7]

Pig Two: No-one can outsmart the security system!

Cyril: I can! I can outsmart anything, including myself!

Cyril: (To Pig One) You know, you would look good with an apple in your mouth!

Bert: Say, this slide is kind of fun!

Cyril: Tell it to the alligators at the bottom!

Cyril: (To his alligators) Careful boys! I pay your wages!

(Bert dangerously falls for one of Cyril's traps)

Cyril: FINALLY! One of my defences works!

(Broo has caused Cyril's security robots to destroy each other)

Cyril: They sold this garbage to me as the ultimate security system? AARGH! It's lucky you're not paid for yet!

Cyril: Help you break into my own vault? What do you think I am, a complete idiot?

(He reluctantly hands Melissa the key)

Melissa: He is our only hope, Mr. Sneer.

Cyril: If that dog leaves one hair in my ventilation shaft...

Opportunity Knocks! [1x8]

(Cedric tells Cyril that Ralph, Schaeffer and Broo are leaving the forest, and Cyril gleefully rushes back to his office and looks at a calendar)

Cyril: No, no, April Fools' Day isn't for another six months!

Cedric: I haven't seen pop this happy since he evicted Grandma!

Melissa: It's my prints!

Bert: Tell him if the glass slipper's too big, he can borrow my hockey socks!

Cyril: I am off to see the publisher of this rag!

(he remembers there are protesters outside his house)

Cyril: By the back door!

Cyril: (About the Standard) Cut the banter, bandit face! Who's responsible for this?!

Ralph: I am!

Melissa: I am!

Bert: Uh-uh-uh, they are!

Cedric: Pop! You subscribed to the Evergreen Standard?

Cyril: Of course! It's a daily pleasure I wouldn't miss!

Pig Two: Which section would you like today sir?

Cyril: Well, let's start with 'Ask Bert'! (he tears the page out, throws it on the fire and laughs)

Cry Wolf! [1x9]

Bert: What did I tell you? See, see? I bet that guy has a submachine gun!

Ralph: That's a violin case Bert.

Bert: But they always put machine guns in violin cases! Everyone knows that!

Bear: Your hot chocolate, sir.

Cyril: I've had my hot chocolate! I've had my hot bath! And I still can't sleep! I haven't slept for a week!

Cyril: I get vicious when I can't sleep! I'm not my usual loveable self!

Bert disguises himself as 'Auntie Bertha' in a bid to get information out of Cyril whilst helping him get to sleep

Cyril: I want to hear a real story! Give me King Midas. I want to hear about Midas and his wonderful golden touch!

Bert: Once upon a time there was king with a golden touch.

Cyril: Ooh, I like that. My kind of man!

Bert: Everything he touched turned to gold.

Cyril: Good, good!

Bert: His cities were gold, his streets were gold.

Cyril: Marvelous! Marvelous!

Bert: In fact, his whole kingdom was paved with gold. He even paved the forest with gold. What do you think of that?

Pig Two: Oh that's nothing! We're going to do that tomorrow - with cement!

(Cyril realises who Auntie Bertha is)

Cyril: What? What the devil? You're not Auntie Bertha! You're a raccoon. What kind of weirdo are you anyway?"

Rumours! [1x10]

(The bears are tidying up Cyril's garden)

Cyril: Can't you bears speed it up? If you were any slower you'd be unionised! I want this mansion to make the Taj Mahal look like a toolshed!

Bert: Now I'll be Sir Bert! Defender of the feeble, champion of the weak and employee of the month! The shining knight of the Evergreen Forest!

(One of Cyril's pigs snatches Bert's stuff from him)

Cyril: Make that blazing idiot, bandit face!

(Cyril accidentally crashed Melissa and Ralph's play, thinking that the real royal family were showing up)

Ralph: (whispering) What's going on?

Melissa: (whispering) I don't know Ralph. But make like it's part of the play. The show must go on. (Speaks to audience) I have the most wonderful news! The royal family is coming to our forest.

Ralph: The royal family? Coming to our forest? How soon do they arrive?

Cyril: Er, um, I don't know. They should be here in a few minutes... unless they stopped for some last minute shopping!

Ralph: What?! Er, last minute shopping?

Melissa: They're coming to bestow a special honour on one of our own! It's to be a surprise!

Cyril: You're telling me.

Ralph: Er, what brings you, fair knight, to our forest?

Cyril: I was just in the neighbourhood... I er... I just thought I'd drop by. (he slips and falls over, causing the audience to laugh)

Gold Rush! [1x11]

(Cyril is plotting to end the Raccoons' newspaper)

Cyril: Because by noon on the 13th, this deceiving Daily dupes the unwitting public for the last time!

Pig One: But sir, they only print the facts!

Cyril: Facts? I'll give you facts! The life expectancy of a loudmouth pig is shortened every time it opens it's mouth! Understand?

(Bert claims to have been able to magically make gold)

Ralph: Nobody can make gold! It's impossible!

Bert: The impossible is what I specialise in!

Cyril: You. Start counting.

Pig Three: Yes sir.

(he climbs a ladder to the top of the stacks of gold in the vault)

Pig Three: One, two, four, five, six...

Cedric: You missed three!

Pig Three: Oh, I did? (laughs nervously) I've always had problems with geometry!

Season 2 (1987)

Double Play! [2x1]

Bert: Only one person's gonna get that contract and that's me!

Cedric: Says who, big shot?

Bert: Says me, hose nose!

Bert: Me without Cedric is like peanut butter without bananas, campfires without marshmallows...

Ralph: (To Schaeffer) Bert without a messy room!

The Sweet Smell of Success! [2x2]

Cyril: (singing) You can smell him from a mile, he's a man of wealth and style, the type that always makes the "ten best dressed"! Should that odour fill your air, beware! You're smelling millionaire, it's the man who knows the sweet smell of success!

(after Bert's friends rescue him after being alerted by Broo)

Schaeffer: We got a little help from that foghorn!

Bert: WHAT?! That was ME singing!

Ralph: Gee, I thought it sounded familiar!

Cyril: Those pigs couldn't win an ant over with a picnic!

Cyril: This new cologne of mine is the greatest invention since the tax dodge!

Cyril: This success must not fail!

Pig One: You'll be in demand all across the globe! In France... (Shows a projection of an amateurish cartoon of the band)

Pig Two: Nice picture Lloyd!

Pig One: Thank you! ...In India, in Egypt...

Pig Two: ...and in Cleveland!

Bert: Cleveland? Wow! This sounds terrific!

Pig One: If you come and work for Sneer Industries we'll make you all stars, plus you'll make a lot of money!

Pig Three: (murmurs) Huh, for the boss!

Melissa: Bert, isn't it a bit unusual to be up this early?

Ralph: Nonsense Melissa, every day Bert rises at the crack of noon!

(Repeated line after one of Bert's stunts in Cyril's adverts backfires spectacularly)

Bert: (about the cologne, dazed) Now that's success!

Cyril: Cut! That's a take!

Cyril: Keep rolling! Perfect! This'll make Star Wars look like a slideshow!

Cyril: Raccoon, meet your leading lady!

(Cuts to one of the pigs is dressed in drag)

Bert: (belatedly) Oh boy... this is more dangerous than greased roller skates! Yeeuck!

Cyril: You furball! You're ruining the scene! Wait a minute... this is action! You're on a roll Raccoon! Go with it!

Ralph: That cologne could ruin a skunk's self confidence!

Bert: Wha... what do you mean? This stuff is great!

Ralph: Bert, that "stuff" could end the cockroach problem!

(The 'Success' cologne commercial is on the TV)

Bert: Hey! Where am I?

Schaeffer: That looks like you there Bert, behind that bottle

Bert: Boy, all of that work, and my best stuff doesn't even appear in the commercial! Huh! What a waste of my incredible acting ability!

(Cuts to Cyril watching the same advert on his own TV)

Cyril: No wonder my 'Sweet Smell of Success' isn't selling. My cologne's fine. But that raccoon's acting stinks!

Blast from the Past! [2x3]

Bert: Look up in the sky! It's Bert Raccoon, king of the air!

Cyril: We're under siege!

Pig Three: We're underpaid!

Cyril: Are you certain all safely precautions have been taken?

Pig One: Don't worry sir. This place is sealed up tighter than the leftovers in a tupperware.

Pig Two: Tighter even than your wallet!

Cyril: My life is in serious danger.

Cedric: Broo! Go fetch and Melissa and Ralph! Bring some ropes!

Bert: Ropes nothing! Bring the whole fire department, and hurry up!

Cyril: Fear? Fear? I'm afraid of nothing! Look at my hand (cuts to Cyril's hand, which is trembling) - steady as the economy!

Ralph: All you have to do is confront your fears. Head on.

Melissa: You heard me, Ralph. I get dizzy looking out the upstairs window.

Bert: What's the difference between Cyril Sneer and a canoe? (pauses) That's right! A canoe tips!

Bert: We've got more customers than Cyril Sneer's got bank accounts!

Power Trip! [2x4]

Pig Two: It's a bill from the Mammoth Power Company!

Pig Three: So what? (opens locker full of bills) We have hundreds of those!

Narrator: The Raccoondominium is abuzz of excitement this Sunday morning, as Ralph and Melissa prepare themselves for a long awaited vacation.

Melissa: Ralph! I think we've got everything we need for our canoe trip!

Bert: Yeah, Ralphie, uh... as an experienced explorer, I can tell you, uh... you gotta travel light.

Ralph: Oh, yeah, that reminds me. Here, Bert. Pack these. They'll come in handy.

Melissa: Oh, no.

Bert: (chuckles) Hey, listen to this! 100 Different Moose Calls... Travel by the Stars... Official History of the Can Opener! (chuckles)

Ralph: Boy, am I looking forward to this trip to the great outdoors! I just love roughing it!

Bert: Yeah! And you won't even have cable!

Ralph: Well, that's it, Melissa! Now we're ready for anything!

Melissa: Are you certain you'll be fine on your own, Bert?

Bert: Ah, don't worry about me, Melissa. Cedric and I are gonna hike, swim, fish, bike, and uh, play some ball, eh, then after lunch, eh, we'll catch a couple of movies, and uh, eh, climb Freens Peak. You know, relax and stuff.

Ralph: There. It all fits! And it's as light as a feather!

(someone knocks on the door)

Bert: Oh, that must be Cedric!

(Melissa walks to the door and opens it; revealing Aunt Gertie)

Aunt Gertie: Hi, Melissa! Ralph?

Ralph: Oh! Uh... hi, Aunt Gertie!

Aunt Gertie: It's so good to see you!

Ralph: Uh, Aunt Gertie, we were just expecting you! She's not supposed to arrive here till the 18th!

Bert: Huh? Uh... today is the 18th, Ralph.

Ralph: Oh, no!

Aunt Gertie: And this must be Bert. I've heard so much about you.

Bert: Oh yeah. Pleased to meet you. (to Aunt Gertie) Can I get you a wheelchair? I mean, a chair?

Aunt Gertie: It's okay, my legs still work, dear.

Bert: Now... did you say something about... peanut butter fudge?

Pig One: Okay, let's go over this one more time!

Aunt Gertie: Hiking is my middle name!

Cedric: Mine is Sydney!

(The Pigs are during a phase of building a hydro-electric dam for Cyril)

Pig One: When we unleash this water tomorrow, there'll be enough electricity to make the lights on Broadway look like a 10-watt bulb!

Cyril: Get the lead out! You bears are slower than the service at a French restaurant!

Melissa: Hey! I don't remember pitching the tent this close to the water! Something strange is going on here.

Ralph: Nonsense Melissa! It must have been a heavy dew!

(The Pigs have finished building the dam)

Pig One: Phew! Just in time!

Pig Two: Now we can unleash the water of Phase One.

Pig Three: But first thing's first!

All: Right! Lunch!

Bert: So what do you think of the view of the Evergreen River?

Aunt Gertie: What river?

Bert: Well you can't miss it, it's right over... What?! The river! It's gone!

(One of the Pigs accidentally trips on to the detonator and blows up the temporary dam)

Cyril: YOU IDIOT! I wanted to push that! You blundering bacon buffoon!

Aunt Gertie: Hang on Bert!

Bert: To what?!

Bert: (to Gertie who's driving the motorcycle he's sitting in) Do you have your pilot's licence for this thing?!

Cyril: This is your first and final notice Mammoth. When the Sneer name goes up in lights, Mammoth Power will be snuffed out like a birthday candle!

Cedric: Bert and I got this for you.

Aunt Gertie: Wow! A brand new pair of hiking boots!

Cedric: It's the ultra deluxe model. Good for 100,000 miles!

Bert: Yeah, we figured these should last you a few weeks anyway!

Aunt Gertie: I've got to get to the 60th annual stunt motorcycle and shuffleboard tourney.

Bert: Well, we'd better start napping. We've gotta store a LOT of energy for Aunt Gertie's next visit!

Stop the Clock! [2x5]

Cyril: The search for the fountain of youth? What's this all about?

Pig One: According to this book sir, one sip from this legendary elusive fountain can give someone eternal youth!

Cyril: Eternal youth? Preposterous! Ridiculous! Ludicrous! (A long pause while Cyril thinks the idea over in his head) Find it immediately!

Pigs: Oh, yes sir! Yes sir, immediately!

Melissa: Bert! Come on down! There's someone here to see you!

Bert: I'll be right there!

(Bert comes down to meet Bentley, but slips on the stairs and falls down)

Bert: Uh... hi! You must be Bentley?

Bentley: And you must be hurt.

Bert: (chuckles) That's er... Bert! How was your trip?

Bentley: Fine. How was yours?

Melissa: Bentley, you're gonna be sharing Bert's room.

Bentley: Mr. Bert, pleased to face your acquaintance.

Bert: Hey! Smart kid! Uh... (chuckles) He knows a foreign language! Uh, by the way, Bentley... Bentley?

Melissa: How was your run Bert? (Bert pants then faints) That's nice!

Cedric: Pop, can I borrow your old track shoes and Varsity sweater? It's for the track meet.

Cyril: These shoes and I have seen a lot of good years together. And this sweater, it went great with my old raccoon-skin coat!

Cedric: (appalled) Pop!

Cyril: (chuckles) Just a joke, son...

(Bentley is in bed, recovering from being knocked out by a baseball. Melissa and Bert are by the bedside)

Bert: Gee Bentley, I thought you had that ball for sure. Uh, you were right under it. Oh well, that's okay. Tomorrow, uh... we're gonna play football. Yeah, footballs are much easier to catch. And uh... after that, you can help me practice for the Forest Games!

Bentley: Bert, enough! I'd prefer that tomorrow weren't like today.

Bert: Huh? What does that mean?

Bentley: Today, I tried everything you wanted me to. (He takes the hot water bottle off his head, showing a large bump) And what have I got to show for it?

Melissa: Gee Bentley, Bert was just trying to show you how much fun games can be. He meant well.

Bentley: He made me feel unwell. I just wanna sleep now. Okay?

Bert: Okay, okay. Good night Bentley.

Melissa: Good night.

(Bert and Melissa close the curtains behind them. Bentley is sad.)

Bert: Hey Melissa, what am I doing wrong? What have I got to do to get through to that kid?

Cyril: If I gave out as much as my back does, I'd be broke!

(Cyril tries the "Youth Water" and spits it at Pig One)

Cyril: This stuff tastes terrible! It must be good for me! (He gulps more) Ha! Strange taste. Would go well with jelly!

Cyril: You call that a jump? Now lift that bar. I want it higher!

Pig Two: Higher sir?

Cyril: Higher! Higher than my bank's interest rates!

The Artful Dodger! [2x6]

(The Pigs have painted their own "masterpieces")

Pig Two: Oh, your colored imagery is so good!

Pig One: It's an existential statement.

Pig Three: I thought it was a tree.

Cyril: Ah, the secret to great art. Buy cheap, and sell expensive!

Pig Three: Stop the presses! I've always wanted to say that!

Cyril: (About the painting) Fifty thousand dollars! I've seen better pictures on a cereal box!

Cedric: I think it brightens up the room.

Cyril: So does a lightbulb!

(Bert has put peanut butter into Ralph's bouillabaisse)

Ralph: (livid) Bert, you've ruined it!

Bert: Well... it's only a matter of taste, Ralph.

Last Legs! [2x7]

Ralph: ...And in the end, we can truly say that Cyril Sneer was, without a doubt, truly... pink.

Cyril: When I think of all the lying and cheating I've submitted myself to. All the years I've spent amassing my fortune, all the people close to me I've had to push aside... then I think of the bad stuff!

Cyril: I'm fading faster than a pair of jeans!

Melissa: How's your tribute coming along?

Ralph: When all is said and done, Cyril Sneer was truly, truly...

Melissa: Yes?

Ralph: That's as far as I got!

Read No Evil! [2x8]

Cyril: Oil! Black gold! Texas tea! Barrels and barrels of beautiful crude! I'll be rich! I mean, richer!

Cyril: Mammoth? You know all those refineries and tankers I ordered? I wanna return it all! And I want to return all those oil rigs too! ...What do you mean I can't return it? Brand new, never been used! Did I read the small print? Of course I read the small print! Quick, read the small print!

Pig One: I think you should read it, sir! It says right here, all sales final!

Cyril: WHAT?! Oh no, Mammoth, there's nothing to worry about... none at all... AAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

Courting Disaster! [2x9]

Lady Baden-Baden: I do hope to see more of you at these functions.

Cyril: (muttering) If there was any more of you at these functions, there wouldn't be room for anybody else!

Lady Baden-Baden: Cyril, if you must insist on having pigs in the house, could you at least dress them up a bit? I have all my domestics wearing neckties. (She leaves)

Cyril: (To the Pigs) The only neckties I have in mind for you three walking sausages are made out of rope!

Cyril: I loved your mother.

Cedric: Really Pop?

Cyril: Yeah. She really knew how to make money!

Melissa: Who do you want to win?

Lady Baden-Baden: Well, Mr Knox is so, so, you know! And Mr Sneer is so, so, you know!

Melissa: We do!

Melissa: We've come to congratulate you!

Schaeffer: And wish you good luck!

Cyril: Thanks! I'll need it...

Pig One: It's a bird!

Pig Two: It's a plane!

Pig Three: No! It's Superclam!

Bert: Well, I guess I'll go see what titillating tidbits I can pick up.

Time Trap! [2x10]

Pig Two: This time machine is foolproof!

Cyril: That must be why you're using it!

(Cyril angrily throws his alarm clock out of the window)

Bert: Now that's what I call time travel!

Season 3 (1988)

The Prism of Zenda! [3x1]

(Cyril looks at a fish tank full of goldfish, which is being used as a prop to promote a movie he is financing)

Cyril: You were supposed to get piranha. Saskatchewan Smith did not wade through goldfish infested rivers!

Pig One: But boss, you only gave us ten bucks to buy props!

Cyril: Don't give me cheap excuses!

Pig Three: We've blown a fuse!

Cyril: I'M going to blow a fuse if you don't get these lights back on!

Mr Knox: Here's your credit card, Mr Sneer.

Cyril: It's worn out!

Lady Baden-Baden: Yes, I'm afraid I got a bit carried away. I had to rent a truck to get it all home!

Pig One: Don't you think you'd better tell the truth, boss?

Cyril: Don't be ridiculous! I'd better think of a better lie!

Paperback Hero! [3x2]

Sir Malcolm Havelock: I can categorically state that these are the best peanut butter sandwiches I've ever had!

Bert: Aw, it's just a talent!

Lady Baden-Baden: Ooh, what an inspiration you are to all of us Sir Malcolm! I do hope you stay and answer some questions from our audience! Oh, there's one now! Yes?

Man In Audience 1: Ever get trapped in quicksand Sir Malcolm?

Sir Malcolm: Er, not permanently! Next?

Man In Audience 2: Do you ever get lost Sir Malcolm?

Sir Malcolm: Heh heh, not permanently! Next.

Cyril: I'm here to tell you that I, Cyril Sneer, will finance Sir Malcolm's next expedition. It's just my, er, small contribution towards the expedition of this wide and mysterious world of ours. For the benefit of humanity.

Ralph: (To Melissa) Of course, the treasure has nothing to do with it!

Cedric: Do you plan to wait until the rainy season is over before you start for Lingodo Sir Malcolm?

Sir Malcolm: Oh, of course old boy, yes! Can't travel in the rainy season, oh no! That ends in May...

Cedric: I thought the rain started in May.

Sir Malcolm: Oh yes that's right! How could I have forgotten?

Cedric: I'm asking myself the same question Sir Malcolm...

Ralph: Bert's certainly gone a bit overboard on the story about Sir Malcolm. It reads like one of his books; good story, but very few facts.

Cedric: What do you mean Ralph?

Ralph: Well, I've tried supporting evidence for some of Sir Malcolm's claims, but there's just no proof.

Cedric: And some of the places he talks about aren't even on the map.

Bert: Of course they're not on the maps! They're lost cities Cedric!

The Chips Are Down! [3x3]

Cyril: Those pigs had better come up with a better way to get rid of those chips, or I'll turn them into chops!

Pig One: We'd better get that winning piece back, pronto!

Pig Two: Yeah... before the boss makes snack food... out of us!

Cyril: Alright, give me the bad news. How much did the ad campaign cost? I can take it.

Cedric: Okay Pop. $473,292,33.

Cyril: I CAN'T TAKE IT!

Cyril: About time! What's for dinner?

Pig One: Tuna and potato chip casserole!

Pig Two: Escalope, cinnamon and lima bean potato chips!

Pig Three: And imitation bacon potato chip and marshmallow pie!

Cyril: Ooh... I feel sick! (turns green and keels over)

Life in the Fast Lane! [3x4]

Cedric: What's so thrilling about tearing up the countryside and making a lot of noise?

Bert: Thrilling? Thrilling?! Huh! What's so thrilling about sitting in a boat all day and whacking mosquitoes?

Bix Wheelie: Rule five - learn to drive!

(Bix hops into Cedric's boat)

Bix Wheelie: How fast does this thing go? Hey, can I take it for a spin?

Cedric: I'm sorry but pop has a rule that only I drive the boat.

Bix Wheelie: That's cool, our club has rules too!

Cedric: Oh really?

Bix Wheelie: Rule six...

Toof and Wendo: Trust Bix!

(Cyril and the pigs are practicing meditation)

Pig Two: The Swami says "peace of mind is money in the bank".

Cyril: Money in his bank! He's making a fortune off the hat franchise alone!

Pig One: And he scorns material wealth sir!

Cyril: That's where I've got the edge! I'll meditate myself to millions! I'll buy a fleet of swamis!

Pig Two: Now remember sir, wild rages...

Pig One: ...and terrible tantrums...

Pig Two: ...waste valuable energy!

Pig One: And energy is power...

Cyril: ...and power is money...

Pig Two: ...and money in the bank...

Pig One: ...is peace of mind!

Toof: Maybe we should go after him Bix?

Bix Wheelie: Stop worrying. The golden rule - Be cool!

Bert: Bix is cool, and he thinks I'm cool too, and that's cool!

Ralph: What's this, the polar bear club?

Cyril: (To Bert) Get back here you motorcycle megalomaniacal ring-tailed tree-dwelling terrorist!

Melissa: Cedric was looking for you today.

Bert: He was?

Ralph: Mm-hmm! And it looked like he just lost his best friend.

Bert: Gee you're right, I have been ignoring Cedric. I'm gonna find him right now! Thanks Melissa! See ya Ralph!

Bert: You haven't seen Cyril Sneer's limo? It makes the Chrysler Building look like a pickup truck! It's got triple overhead cams and chrome wheel drive, and sidepipes a mile long, and...

Bix Wheelie: Well my old man's GX250 V12 ZXL has superturbo overdrive!

Bert: Well Mr Sneer's limo has double super turbo over overdrive, plus two videogames and hot and cold running water!

Bix Wheelie: Shh! Listen. You hear that?

(total silence)

Bix Wheelie: Well turn on the blaster, it's driving me nuts!

(Bix's gang are listening to the radio playing "Hold Back Tomorrow" loudly)

Bert: It's kind of late, and the Sneers' house is right over there!

Wendo: Rule eight - it's never late!

(Bix unintentionally sets fire to some spilt petrol with one of Cyril's cigars)

Bert: OH NO! We've got to put it out!

Bix Wheelie: Put it out? Let's get out!

Bert: Where's the fire alarm?

Bix Wheelie: Are you crazy? Come on!

Bert: You're... you're gonna run?!?

(Bert and Cedric have rescued Wendo from the fire)

Wendo: Hey, thanks guys.

Bert: It's my buddy you should be thanking, I just...

Cedric: It was teamwork Bert!

Bert: Thanks Cedric. Hey, where did you learn that trick about going under the smoke?

Cedric: Well, from being around pop! And his cigars!

Bert: You know Cedric, there's nothing better than sitting in a boat with a fishing line, and a friend.

Cedric: You know Bert, I'm glad you're here!

Bert: Rule ten - start again!

Monster Mania! [3x5]

Bert: I gotta hand it to you Melissa. You sure know how to pack a picnic basket.

Melissa: And you sure know how to empty one!

Cyril: Money is no object!

Pig Three: Uh, are you feeling okay boss?

Smedley Smythe: I have a theory that the creature is from the later Jurassic period.

Bert: That late huh?

(Bert snags a lasso round one of the monster's horns)

Bert: I got it! I got it!

(The monster then swims off, dragging Bert along with it)

Bert: It's got me! IT'S GOT ME! HELP!

Mom's the Word! [3x6]

Mrs Pig: I think we have a little misunderstanding.

Cyril: (Staring angrily at the pigs) You've got that right. Three little misunderstandings!

(The pigs are retrieving parts of Cyril's wrecked car)

Pig Two: Hey! I've found a fender!

Pig One: Great. Just 3,425 parts to go before the boss will speak to us again!

Picture Perfect! [3x7]

Bert: What's it gonna be? Peanut butter pancakes or peanut butter waffles?

Ralph: Pancakes, please. Oh and hold the peanut butter.

Bert: Hold the peanut butter? Sheesh! Some people have no taste!

Ralph: Wow! Melissa would love... this story.

Bert: You can clip it out and save it for. She'll be back soon. I guess.

[Melissa, the pigs, Cedric, Mr. Roykirk and Snag have rescued Cyril from the burning tree that was pinning him down. Cyril is now sitting on the ground, petting Snag as he eats a steak]

Melissa: Cyril! Are you okay?

Cyril: Fine. Fine, thank you.

[He looks at Snag]

Cyril: Cost me a fortune to feed Snag. It's ridiculous. Heh-heh.

Ralph: Melissa!

Bert: Wha-... what are you doing here?!

Melissa: I've got fired for my first assignment! Isn't that wonderful?

Ralph: Oh. I'm sorry, Melissa.

Melissa: Well, I'm not. Something happened to make me realize I'm the one who has to make my own decisions. I knew you all meant well. But you were putting all your hopes on me for getting what I might want. And I've decided I know what I want... for now.

Ralph: What's that, Melissa?

Melissa: I want... one of Bert's peanut butter sandwich specials, and a nice hot cup of tea!

Bert: (laughs) One special comin' up!

Ralph: I should've listen to you, Melissa. I'm sorry. Boy, am I glad you're back!

Bert: Yeah, me too, Melissa. You're the only one who appreciates my cooking.

Melissa: Oh, Bert!

(Bert, Melissa, and Ralph laughing)

(last lines)

Narrator: Success and happiness are two things that people sometimes spend a long time looking for. They might find it at some far off part of the world. And then again, they might find it in their own backyard.

Strictly by the Book! [3x8]

Computer: Sorry, this information is strictly confidential.

Cyril: And this machine is for the birds!

Pig One: Do you have an appointment sir?

Cyril: One more oink out of you, pig, and you're a budget cut.

Cyril: I ask Cedric to show a little drive and all of a sudden he's more meddlesome than a government accountant!

The Evergreen Express! [3x9]

Bert: Boy, this metal detector works great! It's gonna make us a fortune! Doubloons, pieces of eight, maybe even pieces of nine!

Cyril: Come on Knox! You wouldn't throw me out of my own house, would you?

Mr Knox: Heavens, no! I'd wait six hours, then throw you out of my house!

Cyril: It's a good thing I don't crack under pressure.

(Cyril notices that the train engine is losing its power until he sees that the train is starting to reverse back toward the broken bridge)

Cyril: YEAAAAGH!

(Cyril picks up a coal shovel and starts to stoke the train engine's furnace to stop it reversing off the broken bridge into the ravine)

Cyril: I thought stoking was bad for your health!

(Cyril runs out of coal and reluctantly throws the money he found on the train into the fire)

Cyril: I've heard of money to burn but this is ridiculous!

Bert: Thanks Cyril! We owe you one!

Cyril: (wails) Ten million dollars!

Bert: We don't own him that much!

Trouble Shooter! [3x10]

Ralph: Okay, Bentley. I spoke to your parents and they're really worried. They said it's okay if you wanted to stay out here a few days. I said you were fine but they'd rather hear it from you.

Bentley: They'd be better off if they never heard from me again.

Melissa: That's a terrible thing to say, Bentley.

Bentley: I think I'll go for a walk.

Bert: Want me to come with you, little buddy?

Bentley: I'd rather be alone, Bert.

Bert: Don't worry. Bentley will come around. I know kids.

Bert: Here you are Bentley, this should keep you going for a while. Hey, I even brought some books I thought you might like.

Bentley: Thanks a lot Bert, you're a real... (Looks at one of the book covers) COLLEGE MATHEMATICS?! You talked to my parents, didn't you? And they told you, didn't they? And you PROMISED!

Bert: I don't know what you're talking about Bentley!

Bentley: Oh, sure! Then how do you know about the mathematics? You're just trying to make me feel guilty!

Bert: About what?! (Something dawns on Bert.) Hey...did you fail math or something?

Bentley: As if you didn't know! Breaking into the school system was easy with my computer. So what if I gave myself a better mark? I wanted to be first! So I cheated, big deal! So now you know why I ran away. I'm a...a criminal...but I don't care!

Cedric: We could use some help with these dishes, Bentley!

Bentley: Oh lay off! I don't have to do anything I don't want to!

Bert: OK, I've had enough of this! Big tough guy huh?

Cedric: Shh, He'll hear you!

Bert: Doesn't need anybody! Makes a mistake and then can't face up to it! Runs away!

Cedric: Em, Bert, Remember, Understanding...

Bert: THIS HAS GOT TO BE SAID! So you want a life on the road eh Bentley? No home? No Family? No friends? You wanna be a...a fugitive, right?

Bentley: That's right, a fugitive!

Bert: Never knowing if the next person you see is gonna put the finger on you and say, "There! That's the kid who cheated on his math mark!" HUH! Some life! Is that what you want?

Bentley: Maybe...and maybe not...what else is there?

Bert: Well....for starters come and help us with the dishes, we'll figure out the rest later, okay?

Bentley: Okay Bert.

Cyril: Great! Held prisoner in my own home! By a computer, no less! "It'll do everything," you said! "It never makes mistakes," you said!

Pig One: Eh, Heh, Heh...Just a few bugs in the system, Sir.

Cyril: And you bug-brains programmed the system! I'll reprogram you when we get out of here!

Bert: (After avoiding the lasers) YOW! Phew, made it...but my sweater will never be the same.

Pig One: What did we ever do before we got this computer?

Pig Three: Huh! Too much!

Cyril: (to Bentley) The point is, the only thing you're running away from is yourself. And that doesn't work, because no matter where you go, there you are. I want to tell you a story about a kid I knew. He ran away once. He thought he could make it on his own without friends. Without parents. Without a home. You know what...

Bentley: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've heard it all before! He ended up poor and homeless, right?

Cyril: Wrong! He's a millionaire. But there were a lot of lost and lonely years before he made it. And nice as money is, it can't buy back those years. Am I getting through?

Bentley: I... I guess so.

Cyril: You might think you're tough and brave running away, but believe me, it takes more courage to face up to your mistakes. Turn back while there's still time. Don't be like the kid in the story, Bentley.

Bentley: Was that kid... you, Mr. Sneer?

(Cyril doesn't reply)

The Paper Chase! [3x11]

Ralph: What do you think of the Standard's new slogan? "The Standard meets the standard"!

Bert: Well, I've heard better.

Ralph: I'll work on it.

Pig One: (About Cyril's bears striking) But sir, the bears provide all the cheap menial labour around the place.

Cyril: No problem. You menials are cheaper. You can pick up the slack.

Pig One: That's what we were afraid of.

Melissa: Ralph, you're forgetting that the Standard was nominated for what it is. Not what you'd like it to be.

Melissa: Ralph Raccoon, what has gotten in to you? You can't treat your friends that way just because you want to win a newspaper award!

Ralph: Melissa, I'm a professional. I've been nominated editor of the year, and if I can't depend on my staff to turn the Standard into the best paper ever printed, then...

Melissa: If you keep this up, you won't have any staff!

Ralph: Have you got those photos yet, Melissa or do I have to do that to?

Melissa: They're in the camera, Ralph. I know you want the photos done properly, so you can develop them yourself!

Ralph: Oooh! Melissa, wait! Waah.. oof (Ralph trips on an ink puddle) All right then, I WILL do it myself and it'll be the best issue of the standard ever!

Ralph: Oh no! The paper! I must have slept right through!

Bert: Don't worry Ralphie boy, it's all under control. Care for a copy of the early edition?

Ralph: You mean you worked all night after I was such a...

Bert: Pain?

Melissa: Tyrant?

Schaeffer: Ogre?

Ralph: Yeah... I guess I was. I'm sorry gang. I wanted to win so badly I guess I let things get carried away.

Pig One: But sir, they did drive a hard bargain!

Cyril: And I'll drive you to the sausage factory!

Simon Says! [3x12]

Cyril: My brother? Huh! This guy is about as genuine as a hen's tooth! I know what he's after - my money! I may have a poor memory, but I'd never forget my own brother, and he's not my brother!

Pig One: We've hit pay dirt fellas! Simon's old trunk!

Pig Two: Now we'll expose that impostor for what he really is!

Pig Three: Yeah, an impostor! And the Boss will give us that raise!

Bert: (disguised as a detective) Well, just the bunch of guys I'm looking for. The name's Warm. Luke Warm.

Pig One: Oh yeah? Well whatever you're selling, we're not buying!

Bert: I'm looking for the dirt on your new house guest. Get the picture?

Pig One: No and we don't have time!

Bert: Look, you stooges better start yappin', 'cos I've got some info that could land you in H2O at 212! Get it?

Pig Three: We don't know what you're talking about. Have you ever considered English as a first language?

Cyril: I've been expecting this kind of unhanded chicanery! In fact, I've had a little quiz prepared just for the occasion. It should prove exactly who you are not!

Pigs: (in unison) All set sir!

Cyril: Fasten your seatbelt 'Simon', you're in for a bumpy ride! Only my real brother can answer any of these questions! Fire away!

Pig One: Um, um, what size boots did you used to wear?

Simon: Simple. Eight!

Pig Two: Uh, he's right sir!

Cyril: He is? Well that's a stupid question! Anyone could have guessed that right. Ask him another one!

Pig Two: Er, okay... what colour were your old boots?

Pig Three: No peeking!

Simon: Green.

Pig One: Right again sir.

Cyril: What? A lucky guess. Give him a tough one this time.

Pig One: Um, okay, um... did these boots have any buckles?

Cyril: Is that all you're going to ask him? Questions about boots?! Who cares! Didn't you find anything else in that trunk? ANYTHING AT ALL?

Pig One: All we got were his boots.

Cyril: And here's three more! (He proceeds to kick the pigs away)

'Cyril: (in his vault) How can this be happening? I worked hard for all of this. It's mine! And in just a few hours I'll be giving it away like glasses in a gas station!

Cyril: Cedric, I know I haven't been paying much attention to you lately.

Cedric: That's alright Pop. I know how much you hate to pay for anything!

Bert: (about Sid Leech, who was exposed after posing as Simon Sneer) An old childhood friend of Simon's! In fact, he and Simon went to school together!

Ralph: Oh, high school?

Bert: Elementary, my dear Ralph. Elementary! (laughs)

Games People Play! [3x13]

Dirk Dassie: We're going to surprise you with voices from your past. You must identify these voices. Listen to their stories about your life, and answer their questions. You ready Cyril?

Cyril: I'm ready alright! Ready to leave! This is the dumbest idea for a gameshow I've ever heard of!

Dirk Dassie: And each correct answer earns you $10,000!

Cyril: Hah! (He rushes back) What are you waiting for?

Pig One: And now our question for you boss is...

Pig Two: When are we going to get a raise?

Cyril: Never!

Dirk Dassie: From all available reports, you're absolubtely right Cyril!

Taxman: Mr Sneer, it's my great pleasure to present you this official communication from the tax department.

Cyril: No! No, I don't want it! I don't deserve it!

Taxman: You don't want it?

Cyril: Of course I don't want it! Can you think of anyone that would want it?

Taxman: Certainly I can! Might I suggest the Evergreen Orphans' fund?

Cyril: Fine, give it to them. (pauses) The Evergreen Orphans' fund?

Dirk Dassie: You saw it here ladies and gentlemen, Cyril Sneer is turning over his $50,000 tax refund to the Evergreen Orphans' fund!

Cyril: (Turns white) Did you say... refund? (keels over)

Bert: Your pop has really changed Cedric! I can remember when this sort of thing would have driven him nuts!

Cyril: (Off camera) It was just a game. That's all. Just a game. AAARGH!

Season 4 (1989)

Second Chance! [4x1]

Cyril: Like I said, it's a little silly. Just a childhood embarrassment, but I never got over it. The idea of playing in public still brings me out in a cold sweat.

Cedric: You always told me to face up to things Pop.

Pig Three: It's a benefit show!

Woodchuck Berry: Yeah? Well, I've never turned down a benefit.

Pig One: Great! Follow us!

Woodchuck Berry: Er, who's the benefit for?

Pig Three: Us!

(Pig Two elbows Pig Three)

Pig Two: Er...Us, yeah. U-S. Unemployed stone farmers! Us!

Woodchuck Berry: Unemployed stone farmers? That's a good one on me.

(After being found out by Cyril)

Pig Two: But we were gonna surprise you boss, honest!

Cyril: Surprise me? Then do something right! That'd surprise me.

Woodchuck Berry: By the way Cyril, how come you just happened to have a sax in your trunk?

Cyril: Oh that? Oh, it's my spare! Always keep a spare in the trunk!

The Sky's the Limit! [4x2]

(The Pigs are helping haul out Cyril Sneer's stunt plane)

Melissa: (To the Pigs) My, you three look dashing!

Pig One: I hope we look as dashing when we're crashing!

Cyril: There's $50,000 in prize money up for grabs in that pylon race! And you're going to win it!

Pig Three: (mumbling) Or die trying!

Cyril: Of all the rotten luck! Before that hotshot Troy Malone turned up, I had this air race in the bag! We were the only entry!

Pig One: Okay, get ready for the engine test! And let's hope it doesn't work!

Bert: If there's anything you wanna talk about, just let me know, okay?

Ralph: I will. Thanks, Bert.

Bert: Okay, Ralph. Uh, I'll see you later.

Ralph: Face it, Ralph. Some guys make the news... and some guys just write it down.

(The Pigs enter the Evergreen Standard's office, covered in bandages)

Ralph: What happened to you three?

Pig One: It's a sad and a painful story.

Pig Two: Oh yeah. We didn't even see the cement truck! No, not at all!

Pig Three: And what do you think the chances are of being hit by a meteorite?

Ralph: Zero. What can I do for you?

Pig One: We want to place an ad. For a pilot.

Ralph: A pilot? The race'll be over before the Standard comes out.

Pig Two: Well that's not our problem. But the boss can't say we didn't try!

Cedric: Gee Ralph, are you sure you're up to this? You haven't logged all that many flying hours.

Ralph: Maybe not Cedric. But I've had it up to here with Troy Malone. I'm going to give him a run for his money.

Cyril: It's not his money. It's my money. Now get out there and bring back that fifty grand. And don't wreck my plane!

Cyril: How's my ace pilot doing?

Cedric: Well, he's still in the air Pop.

Bert: You were TERRIFIC! That's the best crash I ever saw!

Ralph: Huh... thanks Bert... I think.

(last lines)

Ralph: Here's lookin' at you, kid!

Melissa: (laughs)

Troy Malone: (clears throat)

Ralph: Troy! Pull up a chair and join us!

Melissa: Yes!

Troy Malone: Oh no, I just came to say goodbye. Besides, three's a crowd. No hard feelings about the race? Eh, Ralph?

Ralph: Of course not! (pause) Well... wherever you're off to, we wish you the best of luck, Troy.

Troy Malone: Thanks Ralph, Melissa. (mumbles) Well... it's on.

Bully For You! [4x3]

Pig One: Mission accomplished sir!

Cyril: Amazing! With you three it's usually mission impossible!

Bonneville: I said, give me the car keys!

Pig Three: No way Jose. This is the boss' car.

Pig Two: He'd send us to the smokehouse if we let anyone drive it!

Bert: So that's Bonneville huh? Is he giving you a hard time Cedric?

Cedric: Well...

Bert: Come on Cedric, I can see what's happening! And you've only got two choices.

Cedric: I'll take the orange soda Bert.

Bert: No, I mean two choices in dealing with Bonneville!

(Bert wakes Cedric up from a bad dream)

Cedric: Oh Bert! Am I glad to see you! I thought you were Bonneville!

Bert: Nah! I'm much better looking.

(Bert has rushed back to Sneer Mansion to get help)

Bert: Cyril! Cyril! Open up! Let me in!

Cyril: Huh? I'll let you in for a lifetime of trouble if you don't get out of here pronto! It's the middle of the night!

Bert: Cedric and Bonneville are in trouble!

Cyril: Don't go away!

Cyril: Pigs! If anything happens to my son I'll hold you responsible!

Pig One: Us? We were sleeping boss!

Cyril: See? They admit it.

Bonneville: Look Cedric... maybe I am a stinker. Maybe... maybe I'm sorry.

Cedric: Why all of a sudden?

Bonneville: Because I've got no more time. Because I'll be... gone in the morning. Like always. Can we be... I mean... can we be friends?

Cedric: Maybe... we can try!

(The blue moon is shining on the quartz tower)

Bert: WOW!

Cyril: Cedric! What's happening here?

Cedric: Something that happens once in a blue moon Pop!

A Catered Affair! [4x4]

Lady Baden-Baden: I envy you Melissa.

Melissa: Me?

Lady Baden-Baden: You have a career. You have purpose. A direction in life. Me? I just flutter about on society business.

Cyril: I might as well play golf on the Sahara Desert, the amount of time I spend in sand traps!

Pig One: Sand Wedge again sir?

Cyril: I'll turn you into a sandwich if you don't watch your lip Pig!

Pig One: I just had a brilliant idea. I know how we can make some easy money.

Pig Three: Oh Lloyd... that's my favourite kind!

Mr Knox: Er, what's with the disguises boys? Does Mr Sneer disapprove of your catering business?

Pig One: Oh no, the boss backs us all the way!

Pig Two: Yeah usually he's on our backs.

Pig Three: Er, besides, we're not in disguise!

Pig Two: No, no, it's er, it's er, protection from the sun!

Pig One: The ozone layer, it's breaking down you know. And we're very sensitive to ultraviolet rays!

Mr Knox: I see...

Lady Baden-Baden: Knoxie and I had a terrible fight, in public no less! He demanded I resign from my job!

Bert: But why would he want you to resign?

Lady Baden-Baden: That's exactly what I asked him! He said women have no place in the working world?

Melissa: How could he say such a thing in this day and age?

Lady Baden-Baden: It's his upbringing Melissa. Old world, old values, old money. I told him to accept me as I am, or leave. He left, and tomorrow is... our anniversary! Oh Melissa, I'm so unhappy! (she sobs)

Pig Two: Oh it's a disaster! Our first catering contract just went up in smoke!

Pig Three: No, he just went up the stairs!

Bert: Don't cry Lady Baden-Baden.

Lady Baden-Baden: Oh I'm not, it's the onions. Oh, but I do miss Knoxie so.

Melissa: I'm sure you and Mr Knox can work things out.

Lady Baden-Baden: You manage a career and a marriage Melissa. How do you do it?

Melissa: Well, a little understanding, a little support and a little compromise... from both of us!

Lady Baden-Baden: Compromise... not one of Knoxie's strong points.

Cyril: (Whilst playing golf) You're crazy to break up with Lady Baden-Baden. Just because she took a job Knox! Drat.

Mr Knox: But sir, where I come from a gentlemen would never let his wife take a job. It's tradition.

Cyril: Lucky shot Knox! The heck with tradition! You can't kiss off a perfectly good marriage because of your pigheaded prime! You're living in the modern world Knox. The woman has a right to work if she wants. Rats! Besides, you shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. You're getting a second income out of it!

Lady Baden-Baden: (As the train she is riding on disappears down a tunnel) Knoxiiieeee! I looooovvvveee yooooou!

(Cyril shows up on a golf cart after catching up with his limo)

Cyril: Did I miss something here?

Pig One: Yes boss. The happy ending.

Search and Rescue! [4x5]

Pig Two: Knox uses astrology to foresee the future!

Cyril: Well you three won't have one if you don't start talking sense.

Pig One: We'll do better than that sir! We'll talk dollars and cents!

Cyril: Bananas it is then! Buy boatloads, buy plantations, buy republics! Go bananas buying bananas boys! Hehe, that's a good one. Write that down.

Lady Baden-Baden: Cedric's horoscope says to rise above his problems. And according to Bert's horoscope, he might find himself in a high place!

Cyril: You mean the mountains?

Lady Baden-Baden: Yes.

Ralph: I don't put much stalk in horoscopes Lady Baden-Baden, but I suppose it's as good place as any to start looking.

Lady Baden-Baden: The stars never lie! Just ask Knoxie.

Mr Knox Well, er...

Mr Knox: I don't think consulting the charts will do any good my sweet.

Lady Baden-Baden: But Knoxie, you've always depended on my charts to guide you.

Mr Knox: Well my dear, you see I always made my own business decisions. I couldn't hurt your feelings by telling you that.

Cyril: Hmm... how interesting. Wonderful. My son's been out there all night while we've been looking in the wrong place.

Lady Baden-Baden: Oh Cyril! I thought... I thought I was helping.

Ralph: No one's blaming you Lady Baden-Baden. The mountains were as good a place to look as any. But where do we look for Bert and Cedric now? It's a big forest out there.

Spring Fever! [4x6]

Bert: (Reading from a book) "Dating made easy in 500 easy lessons". That doesn't sound easy to me!

Bentley: (teasing Bert) Bert and Lisa sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

Bert: However, Bentley, you are not so very funny!

(Bentley and Cedric laughing)

Bentley: (looking through some comic books) Wow! You've got Fog Man #1! The Undesirables! The Caped Kid, and The Mole Lady!

Bert: (who is smartening his appearance) Hey Bentley, what do you think?

Bentley: I think you look like one of the Undesirables!

Bert: Says you!

Lisa: Hello? Anybody home? Hi, Bert. Hiya, Bentley.

Bert: Oh! Heh-heh! Uh, L-L-L-L-Lisa, w-w-what a surprise!

Lisa: Bert, what happened to your hair?

Bentley: It's the new windswept look.

Lisa: Oh. I just wanna see your clubhouse, Bert. Bentley has told me so much about it. You don't mind, do you?

Bert: No, in fact I'm honored.

Pig Three: JP and Knox are inside the athletic club Boss.

Cyril: I can't picture Knox doing pushups!

Pig Three: Oh my... they were here!

Pig One: The steam bath boss! They must be in there!

Cyril: (walking into steam room) Good work boys. You'll get a raise for this.

Pig Three: A raise!

Cyril: JP? JP Gordon? Have I got something for you!

Lady: (horrified) Oh, there's a man in here!!!

Pig Three: Oops... so much for our raise.

Bert: Ralph?

Ralph: Yeah Bert?

Bert: Ever have a girlfriend?

Ralph: Sure did pal.

Bert: What happened?

Ralph: I married her.

Cyril: Alright... I'm through pussyfooting around! We're going to tunnel into Knox's mansion!

Pig Three: Oh, Lady Baden-Baden won't like that, boss. You know how she hates muddy footprints all over the house.

Bert: Uh, Lisa, uh, did you ever see that old movie, "Love is a Very Splendid Thing"?

Lisa: Why, sure.

Bert: Well, uh... you know that scene where Rip Tide and Virginia Creeper meet on the river boat?

Lisa: And pledge their undying love? Ah, it's one of my favorites!

Bert: Good, good! Well... (clears throat) ...think of this cafe as the river boat.

Lisa: (giggles) That sounds like fun! "Oh, Rip, your eyes are like the southern nights!" (giggles)

Bert: Look, I'm trying to be serious here, Lisa!

Lisa: (giggles) Sorry, Bert, go on.

Bert: I'm just trying to tell you that... well, uh... we were... meant for each other.

Lisa: Oh, Bert...

Bert: Yeah?

Lisa: I am flattered. But we don't know each other... well enough. I... I mean... I like you, Bert. But as a... friend...

Bert: Oh. If that's the way you fill up on it!

Lisa: Oh, Bert... don't be angry with me.

Bert: ANGRY?! Who's angry?! I'm not angry! Well... gee, uh... look at the time! You better hurry or you'll, uh, miss your train!

Lisa: Bert...

Bert: (runs away from Lisa) Thank you ever so much for coming! It's been a slice!

(Bert is singing and playing 'Teach Me' on his guitar upstairs)

Ralph: Honestly, if I hear that love song one more time...

Melissa: Oh come on Ralph! Don't you remember what your first crush felt like?

Ralph: Yeah, I had a hard time getting over it. But I wrote poetry. It's quieter.

The Family Secret! [4x7]

Lady Baden-Baden: Why, I've just found out that the Sneers were one of the first to leave the old country and settle here.

Cyril: One of the Sneers' greatest tax dodges!

Pig One: How could the boss do this to us, forget the names of his own parents!?

Pig Two: Well, he always forgets our payday.

(The Pigs have hypnotised Cyril Sneer)

Pig One: ...And the key word is "please". When I snap my fingers you will remain in a trance, but will open your eyes and do only as we say.

Pig Two: Oh, oh! Ask him, ask him!

Pig One: Ahem. Boss? We would like a raise, please?

Pig Two: Mom always said the magic word works wonders!

(Cyril, under hypnosis is chauffeuring the Pigs in his limo, but loses control and crashes into a swamp)

Pig One: Oh no! We're really doomed!

Pig Two: Yeah, the boss hates a dirty car!

Cedric: I thought I'd lost you there Pop.

Cyril: We Sneers don't disappear as easily as that. And we've got hundreds of years of history to prove it son!

Cedric: I know that Pop... even if I'm not a real Sneer.

Cyril: What are you talking about?

Cedric: It's okay Pop, you don't have to keep it a secret anymore. I know I'm adopted.

Cyril: Wha... where'd you get that crazy idea? No wait. You're not adopted son. I'm the one who's adopted.

Bert: Cyril Sneer... adopted?

Pig Two: Does that make our contract invalid?

Cyril: Well son, times were different then. Being adopted was sometimes kept a secret.

Cedric: But why couldn't you tell me?

Cyril: Well I wanted to. But I kept putting it off. The longer I waited the harder it got. I guess I was afraid you'd think I wasn't a real Sneer.

Cedric: Gee Pop, as far as I'm concerned you're the greatest Sneer ever!

Cyril: Thanks son. That means a lot to me.

The Great Escape! [4x8]

Ralph: You designed this vault Cedric. What are Tromboni's chances?

Cedric: Well if I were him I'd pack a lunch!

Cyril: I invested a fortune developing this vault, and it's got as many holes as a Swiss cheese! I might as well install a turnstile in the darn thing!

(Bert finishes his magic show with Tromboni's help as the two bow together on stage.)

Knox: A truly spectacular show, wasn't it Mr. Sneer?

Cyril: Terrific!

Knox: Anyway, you'll be pleased to hear I have decided to purchase one of your vaults.

Cyril: But Tromboni got out of it!

Knox: My dear Mr Sneer, surely you are aware that magic is the art of illusion. What you see is not necessarily what happens. Can I expect delivery of the vault tomorrow?

Cyril: Sure Knox. But what you saw is not necessarily what you're going to get.

Making the Grade! [4x9]

(About Evergreen Elementary)

Bert: Hey, there it is guys! The old place never looked better to me! What a sight!

Bentley: What a dump.

(Looking around the single classroom of Evergreen Elementary)

Bentley: Wow, this is it? My locker's bigger than this place! Where's the cafeteria? Where are the science labs? Where are the computer rooms? What can anybody possibly learn in this place? Whoops! (he accidentally knocks over a globe)

Miss Primrose: Perhaps we could learn some manners young man. And we don't charge in tracking in mud and disrupting my schoolhouse, even if it is being closed down... forever.

Cedric: Closed?

Bert: Forever?

Cyril: (Reading a letter) I owe taxes on all of this? This inventory list is an invention! How can the tax department do this to a humble millionaire like me?

Pig Three: We were planning to practice our tennis serves.

Cyril: If you don't get out to that warehouse I'll serve you... with apples in your mouths!

Pig One: How could the boss fire us like that?

Pig Two: We never even got the chance to make up any excuses!

Pig Three: We never even got the chance to make any lunch!

Pigs One and Two: LUNCH?!?

(all three sob loudly)

(Cyril's holding job interviews)

Cyril: Let's see what your conditions of employment are. Hmm. Statuatory holidays off, a 40 hour work week, two weeks holidays a year? What do you think this is? An executive position?

(The client nods)

Cyril: Next!

Cyril: (In disguise) Cyril Sneer is going to be harder to find than a mechanic on a weekend!

Bentley: I guess everyone gets nervous going to a new school, don't they Miss Primrose?

Miss Primrose: (weeps) Oh Bentley, I don't want to leave this place!

(Cyril has stolen a ride on the back of a limo Cedric had been driving, and he stops at the school which throw's Cyril off)

Cedric: (About his cakes) I hope the bumping around didn't ruin something.

Cyril: I certainly hope not!

Cedric: Pop! What are you doing here?

Cyril: Oh, I had to get out of the house. I thought I'd drop by. But what are you doing at the schoolhouse?

Cedric: I tried to tell you Pop. We're holding a fundraiser to save this school from closing down!

Cyril:' Closing down! The old school hasn't changed much in all these years.

Cedric: That's the problem Pop.

(Cyril uncovers an old fleece costume)

Cyril: Why, what's this?

Ralph: Whoo hoo hoo? Poor kid who had to wear that ridiculous costume?

Cyril: I wore it. In the Easter play.

Ralph: Oh? Well, what do I know about fashion?

Bert: Gee, we're really going to miss you around here.

Ralph: Are you sure you have to go?

Miss Primrose: I'm afraid so boys. I've given it a lot of thought and I know now I was just afraid of facing something new. So I'm off to City Collegit to learn more about the new fangled technology Bentley has been showing me. I'm going to be a teacher and a student. After all, someone has to run the new Evergreen Elementary and the Cyril Sneer Wing when it's built. Right?

All: All right!

Bentley: Come on Miss Primrose! Let's get going! I want to look around our new school, 'cos we're going to be the new faces this year!

Science Friction! [4x10]

Professor Smedley-Smythe: How’s your science project coming along, young fellow?

Bert: I can’t wait to show it to you, professor! It’s gonna be dynamite!

Professor Smedley-Smythe: Oh dear! I don’t believe we can allow explosives in a museum.

(The Pigs are cleaning a fountain in Cyril's garden)

Pig Two: Do you think we'll ever move up in this business?

Pig One: I know we will. When we're done this the boss wants us to shingle the roof!

Cyril: (singing) Barley, barley, huck and rye, that's the way we aardvarks fly! Some fly east and some fly west, and some fly over the cuckoo's nest!

Stealing the Show! [4x11]

(Pigs One and Two are wearing strange plastic glasses)

Pig One: You screamed sir?

Cyril: What are you pork pies doing, trying to make spectacles of yourselves?

Pig Two: Oh no sir, they're for reading Mudman Comics!

Cyril: Reading comics on the job eh? Well read my lips. Deliver these boxes to Willow's store. N-O-W. NOW!

Melissa: (To Bert and Cedric) You two look like you just lost your best friend.

Cedric: Oh, things just aren't going so good that's all.

Ralph: Well, now I know what they mean when they say skateboarding's a downhill sport!

(Cyril is briefing two of his bears who are to ride his modified skateboard)

Cyril: Don't forget to switch at the halfway mark, don't take your eyes off the course, and don't lose!

Cedric: This looks like a pretty tough course Bert.

Bert: Don't worry Cedric! Look! I brought you my lucky sweater!

Cedric: Gee, thanks Bert. Er, how do you tell the difference?

Bert: They're all lucky! And now we’ll look like a team!

Cedric: Yeah, the B team.

The Phantom of Sneer Mansion! [4x12]

Cyril: (on the intercom) Pigs! It's time we fix that phantom's wagon. You three get over to that theatre, find the phantom and get rid of it! I'm going to be part of Knox's big deal, even if it kills me!

Pig Three: Hm! He means even if it kills us!

(Bert and the Pigs are trying to find the phantom, separately)

Bert: Okay Broo, we've got one super dooper spook sensitive tape recorder!

Pig Two: Two garlands of garlic to stave off evil spirits!

Bert: An XL 3-33 special phantom camera filter!

Pig Three: Four wooden stakes to drive through the hearts of vampires!

Bert: A five pound bag of flour for the old 'throw the flour on the ectoplasm' routine!

Pig One: And a slick vacuum to suck up ghostly apparitions - it says so in the guarantee!

Bert: I tell you Broo - we have the will, we have he technology, and soon we'll have the phantom!

Bert: Bert Raccoon, ace reporter and super sleuth is on the case! Now, what do we know?

Cedric: Nothing.

Bert: Nothing... excellent! We can start with a clean slate!

The Headline Hunter! [4x13]

Barbara LaFrum: Cyril Sneer.

Cyril: Barbara LaFrum!? What do you want?

Barbara LaFrum: I want truth, I want justice and I want fair play.

Cyril: It's just up the road!

Pig One: I don't see the boss anywhere.

Pig Two: It's Barbara Whatshername - quick, take cover guys!

Pig One: I don't think she saw us. If the boss finds out we set him up with that barracuda, he'll feed us to the sharks!

Cyril: (Bursts out of hiding in a crate) BOSS? Miserable pig slops! I oughta...

Barbara LaFrum: You'll ought to what Mr Sneer?

(Bert is bought by a young girl raccoon at the charity speed date)

Bert: (Crestfallen) Heh. A buck fifty. I raised a buck fifty.

Ralph: And it was very nice of you to lend her the money Bert!

Bert: A buck fifty! I paid more for my pet lizard!

Season 5 (1990-1991)

Cold Feet! [5x1]

Melissa: All we want are a few details.

Pig One: We can't tell you anything. This is top secret! Strictly need-to-know basis.

Pig Two: And the boss says you don't need to know anything!

Pig Three: As a matter of fact, we don't even know what you don't need to know!

Ralph: I see a career in politics for these three.

(Ralph has been chucked out of a conference building by a security guard)

Ralph: That guy has no respect for the press! Something smells in the Rotco corporation!

Melissa: Well then, we just have to get in there and sniff out the story. Let me try my feminine wiles!

(A few seconds pass before Melissa returns, evidently having been turned away also.)

Melissa: I must be getting rusty.

Ralph: Not in my books, baby!

(Bert and Cedric are on a skydiving simulator)

Bert: Wow! That was some fun, huh Cedric?

Cedric: Yeah, that wasn't so bad. But there's a big difference between ten feet and... ten thousand feet!

Bert: Ah, only a couple of zeros!

(About the skydiving)

Bert: Boy, this is one birthday present you'll never forget, huh Cedric?

Cedric: Yeah... if I live to remember.

(Whilst courting Ingrid Bellamore)

Cyril: Good work boys! Put it in the vault!

Pig Three: "Good work"? He's never said that before!

Pig One: We've never done that before!

Cedric: I did it Pop! I jumped! Did you see it?

Cyril: I sure did son! But if you don't mind, I'd rather not see it again!

Stress Test! [5x2]

Cyril: When it comes to spending my money, I'm a careful man. I've only made three mistakes in my entire life.

Milton Midas: Really? What were they?

(Cuts to the Pigs)

Cyril: That answer your question?

Cyril: I can't stay here! This is a hospital!

Nurse Peck: My, my! For someone who is so cold we are hot under the collar aren't we?

Bert: Wow! Ralph, it's here! It finally came!

Ralph: Er, what's finally here Bert?

Bert: Oh I ordered this months ago, I thought it was never going to come! A Silver Silhouette remote bomber! And with this remote control, I can make it do loops, dives, barrel rolls! Why, it can do practically anything!

Ralph: Can it make a pizza crust?

(After Bert's model plain fails to take off)

Ralph: Looks like the bomber had a change in orders Bert!

Bert: Ralph... I've been ripped off!

(Cyril is about to be X-rayed)

Cyril: Wait, couldn't I just take a written test on this one?

Nurse Peck: No, no, this is more like a screen test!

Nurse Peck: You're not hiding from me, are you Mr Sneer?

Cyril: Hiding? No! Just trying to stay out of your way!

Nurse Peck: (Preparing a syringe) Now Mr Sneer, this should help.

Danny: I get three needles a day. I don't even think about it. I just think about, you know, good stuff.

Nurse Peck: Now there's a good idea. Try that Mr Sneer.

Cyril: (As he gets the injection) Well there is money and gold and stocks. Bonds are nice too, and corporate takeovers.

Ralph: Good news Bert! I got the name of the president of the company who sells the remote bomber!

Melissa: And from everything we could find out about this guy, he's a real weasel!

Ralph: His name is Milton Midas.

Milton Midas (on the TV) Milton Midas here, your man of a million miraculous minor steals! This fabulous Midas forest has just become available and it's gotta go friends, take a look at the Midas workmanship on these Midas trees, solid Midas wood, so run, walk or crawl down here tomorrow for the auctioning off of these incredible Midas acres! Just who am I to be offering such a dynamite Midas deal? Well, I'm the man with the golden touch - Mr Milton Midas!

Bert: Milton Midas?

Ralph: I know. Isn't television great?

Pig One: Oh no! We forgot to close the land deal!

Pig Three: Madcap millionaires, the party's not over!

Pig Two: Oh, the party's over alright!

Pig One: Never mind our lives!

Pig Three: Oh golly gosh gee whiz, have I missed something?

Danny: Mr Sneer! What are you doing?

Cyril: I'm checking out.

Danny: Why?

Cyril: Because they want to operate on me, that's why.

Danny: Are you chicken?

Cyril: Listen kid, you have any idea what those doctors do to you?

Danny: Oh sure. I've had operations before.

Cyril: You have?

Danny: Yeah. And they're not all that bad. Well, the first time is always a bit scary. I guess I wasn't that brave but...

(Cyril's line out of the window comes loose but he is able to catch hold of it)

Danny: If you're brave enough to climb out there, you're brave enough to handle and operation! Trust me.

Bert: I'll be on my way as soon as I get my refund like it says in your ad - "Money cheerfully refunded if not completely satisfied".

Milton Midas: I said that?

Bert: That's right!

Cyril: Why those idiotic oinkers! If I lose this land, I'll fire them... out of a cannon!

Pig Three: Oh, do something Lloyd!

Pig One: What can I do?

Pig Two: Do what the boss would do if he were here!

Pig Three: He'd get really mad if he were here.

Pig One: My bid certainly made an impression on that big shot, didn't it?

Pig Two: Oh it certainly did! And when the boss hears about this he'll impress us!

Pig Three: Six feet into the ground.

(Cyril is livid at the Pigs)

Pig One: Careful! Think of your stress level boss!

Pig Two: Oh yeah, you don't want to end up back in the hospital!

Cyril: Hospitals don't bother me anymore but you clowns do! And when I get to the bottom of this, that's just where you'll be - in the hospital! Come back here you pork rinds! Stop!

Pig One: Run for it boys!

Moving In! [5x3]

George: Ah Nicole, what if I bomb? What if I don't get the job? I wish none of this had ever happened.

Nicole: Well it did happen, and we'll get through it. We're all going to be out there rooting for you George.

Mr. Willow: Hello boys! What can I do for you?

Pig One: I'm glad you asked Mr Willow. As a result of our recent cutbacks, we find ourselves available for gainful employment.

Pig Two: Or we could use a job.

Lisa: (on the phone) Oh, everything's fine! I guess...

Nicole: I'm heading off to the Raccoondominium. Want to come along?

Lisa: (to Nicole) No thanks, Mom, have fun! (on the phone) Sorry about that. Uh, how's the basketball team doing without me? They won? Gee, that's... that's great! You have to go? Oh, no-no, I've got lots to do. Say hi to everybody for me. Bye.

Bentley: We're off to the ball game, Lisa! Wanna come?

Lisa: No thanks, Bentley. I still have to unpack some stuff.

Bentley: You know, Bert, I think living in the forest is soon gonna be just fine.

Lisa: Yeah. Just fine.

Pig Two: More pies sir?

Cyril: Ha ha! I haven't had this much fun since my last tax refund!

Pig Two: We'd make a pretty good team, right boss?

Cyril: I've seen worse!

Pig One: Boss? About that little accident with the shredder...

Cyril: It's coming out of your salary!

Pigs (In unison): You mean... we can have our old jobs back?

Cyril: Might as well. I wouldn't wish you three messed up meatballs on anyone else!

Bert: I could introduce a new recipe. Dare-deviled eggs! (Laughs)

Ralph: That sounds about right, coming from a canned ham!

Bert: You're not saying much, Lisa! Uh, how was your day?

Lisa: Lousy, as if you care.

Melissa: What's the matter, Lisa?

Lisa: Everything! Everything's wrong! I've got no friends anymore, I miss my school, I HATE THIS HOUSE!

George: That's enough, young lady! We've all got a lot of adjusting to do!

Lisa: Oh, sure! Everyone else is happy! Nobody cares what I think! None of this would have happened if you hadn't lost your job!

Nicole: LISA!

Lisa: (runs away sobbing) It's all your fault! I hope you don't get that stupid job at the station! (slams door and continues sobbing)

End of the Line! [5x4]

Cyril: Factory 1-9-8-4 made a lot of money producing this stuff - Sneer Snake Oil!

Cedric: (Reading the bottle) "Guaranteed to prevent dandruff, aging, arthritis, hair loss and the common cold." Pop, no one would believe all this!

Cyril: That doesn't matter now! I'm shutting this place down!

Cyril: Someone shipped this garbage to us, so we ship it to someone else!

Ralph: But that's not solving the problem! That's just passing it along!

Cyril: It solves our problem!

Cyril: There's big bucks in this recycling business, so I only think it's fair that you boys get to do some profit sharing of your own!

Pig One: That's great boss!

Cyril: I want you to go through this dump and recycle everything you can.

Pig Two: But... but boss, what about the profit sharing?

Cyril: You two porkers can share the work, 50/50. And I'll take all the profits!

Easy Money! [5.5]

Cyril: (To the Pigs) Snag is gonna get the best in show, or you'll get the worst from me!

Cedric: What are you three doing here?

Pig One: Drowning! What's it look like?!

Pig Two: Another dead end!

Pig Three: Do you have to use that word?

Cedric: Hi Pop! What's up?

Cyril: Larceny! Grand theft pooch napping! That's what's up! I want this plastered all over the front page of your alleged newspaper.

Bert: "Wanted, three pigs for the theft of one blue-point ridgeback retriever. Answers to the name of Snag. Generous reward for any information"?

Bentley: Oh Lisa...

Lisa: No way!

Bentley: You didn't know what I was gonna say!

Lisa: You wanted me to lend you the money to replace Bert's car and fix the window, so no way!

Endless Summer! [5x6]

Bert: So uh, how you feeling Bentley?

Bentley: How do you think? I just got fired from my very first job!

Bert: Aww cheer up little buddy! You'll be fired from other jobs! (chuckles)

Bentley: You're not helping Bert...

Pig Two: Are you crazy? Aren't our lives miserable enough? Anything else you'd like to confess while you're at it? How about the dent we punt into the limo hmm? Oh, why don't you tell him about the time we sold his cigars!

Cyril: Well now! Do go on...

Pig Two: Ohohoho, come on! Tell all!

Pig Three: But you... you said you wanted to confess...

Pig One: ALMOST! We said we ALMOST wanted to confess, we didn't say we actually wanted to confess!

(All three giggle sheepishly)

Cyril: Of all the two-faced filthy lying twisted things I have done, I have never stooped as low as you three malicious mudwallowers!

Pigs: No boss.

Cyril: Poor little Bentley, he must feel lousy... and the things I said to him! I hope you're proud of yourselves!

Pigs: We're not boss...

(After going through some rapids)

Cyril: I haven't done that since I was a kid! Speaking of which Bentley, you are off the hook! That whole computer mess wasn't your fault at all.

Bentley: It wasn't? I can have my old job back?

Cyril: Of course not. Never should have hired you in the first place! You're supposed to enjoy the summer. You'll have plenty of time to be a grown up!

Promises Promises! [5x7]

(The Pigs are cooking something for the Fall Fair)

Pig Three: The instructions say to boil fruit in the pressure cooker at 10lbs for twenty minutes. So I figure if we make it to 200lbs for one minute it'll be twice as good!

Pig Two: You know, your math's getting better everyday Lloyd!

Cyril: (To the Pigs) If you three were buildings you'd be condemned! I want this kitchen rebuilt perfectly and it's coming out of your salary now!

Pig One: (On a PA) Attention! It seems not all of you are aware of the rules! Rule number 1 - all those with red labels on their jars... hands up!

(some animals put their hands up)

Pig Two: You're disqualified!

Pig One: Now don't get ugly!

Pig Two: We're just doing our jobs!

Pig One: We're in deep this time guys!

Pig Two: With Mom judging, she's sure to recognise her own preserves!

Pig Three: And we'll be in a pickle.

Pig One: Oh what a jam!

Bert: I did a sloppy job on the fireworks. I should have worked harder on everything!

Melissa: You just worked too hard on too many things Bert.

Bert: Yeah, and I let all my friends down.

Ralph: Bert, we are your friends, and that's what makes it alright to say no to us.

Melissa: We don't expect you to be a superman.

Ralph: We understand.

Bert: Gee, thanks guys.

Narrator: Sometimes, trying to help out our friends, we make all sorts of promises. But the best promises of all are the ones we can keep.

Black Belt Bentley! [5x8]

Computerised Cyril: (Responding to a phone call) Listen Leech, if I do not see some cold hard cash pronto, you will hear from so many lawyers that latin will become your second language!

Pig Three: There's no one here!

Cyril: I've been kept waiting for nothing! Who does this guy think he is?

Pig Three: Maybe he just stepped out to, er, freshen up before your meeting!

Cyril: I want to buy his company, not go out on a date with him!

Schaeffer: Alright class, we shall begin at the beginning; breathing.

Bert: Ha ha ha! Ah, come on Schaeffer we know how to breathe already! We've been doing it for years!

Schaeffer: You must be the advanced class, heh heh heh!

Schaeffer: I'm not teaching you boys how to fight. Martial arts teaches self-defense, and there's a big difference. Do you understand?

The Wrong Stuff! [5x9]

Bentley: You're the best, sweetest, most understanding parents in the world! That's why you should let me have a puppy!

Nicole: Bentley, for the last time you cannot have a puppy, until, you've proven you're responsible enough to take care of it!

Bentley: I just DID the dishes, didn't I? And you didn't even have to ask me! I AM responsible!

Nicole: Uh-huh. And what happened to your goldfish?

Bentley: But I was just a kid then! If I had a puppy, I'd walk him, and feed him, and be the best friend a puppy ever had!

George: You heard your mother, Bentley.

Bentley: Fine. I guess I'm just gonna be a lonely boy without a dog... for the rest of my natural life. Sheesh.

Pig One: "Where no man has broadcast before..." Boys, I've got it! This is gonna be a Mother's Day Mom will never forget!

Ralph: Okay Schaeffer, how about this? If we change the ice hockey game to the football game, that means we can watch the baseball playoff, and still catch the golf tournament!

Schaeffer: Not bad, but, what about the snooker challenge?

Ralph: Oh yeah. Wait! It's on during the baseball game! We could flip between innings!

Melissa: Ralph?

Ralph: Hi Melissa. Oh hi Nicole. Didn't hear you come in.

Melissa: Look what we've got! Tickets for the ballet for Wednesday! We stood in line for two hours but...

Ralph: Wednesday... Wednesday... Ah, here we are! Oh, gee! Not a chance, Melissa! We've got to watch the divisional synchronized swimming finals on Wednesday!

Schaeffer: And third round sumo wrestlings on right after.

Melissa: Oh well, you couldn't miss that, could you?

Bert: Okay, now you've got all Broo's stuff, but, uh... we better go over the list one more time. Let's see. Now you've got to walk him...

Bentley: Four times a day, brush him once a day, he gets two bowls of puppy munch and fresh water at all times. I've got it, Bert. Just relax!

Nicole: All set, Bentley?

Bentley: You bet!

Bert: Now you'll have a good time with Bentley, okay, little buddy?

Bentley: See ya, Bert. Come on, Broo!

Nicole: Don't worry, Bert, Broo will be fine.

Bert: Bentley, where's Broo?

Bentley: I left him outside. I told him to wait by the door.

Bert: You left him outside? Alone? You call that looking after a puppy?

Bentley: But it's only for a few minutes! And what could happen to him anyway?

Bert: That's not the point Bentley, you said you'd look after him!

Bentley: So Mom and Dad said I wasn't ready to take responsibility for a puppy.

Bert: Well...

Bentley: Yeah, yeah. You don't have to say it. They're right.

Bert: However, it seems to me that admitting you're not ready for responsibility shows a certain amount of responsibility!

(The Pigs' broadcast for their mother has been on TV for three days)

Schaeffer: It's on every channel!

Ralph: (wails) All 340! No hockey, no football, no championship darts! No divisional synchronised swimming finals!

Schaeffer: I don't think this is going to be very good for business Ralph.

Ralph: (tearful) I think I'm going to cry Schaeffer!

Join the Club! [5x10]

Cyril: Well, thanks to our late arrival, there's going to be trouble getting a table!

Knox: Might I suggest we dine at my new private club, Lock Links?

JD: Well then we could eat right away! Mmm! I can almost smell the food!

Cyril: I smell something too and it's a bit fishy.

Pig One: Good luck boss!

Cyril: Luck? I don't need luck! I'm rich!

Bert: They can't tear down our clubhouse! Why, we're not even on their land!

Cedric: You're right Bert. But we can fix it up a bit! After all they're our neighbours now, and we should try to get along.

Bert: Yeah I guess you're right. With a little work we could spruce this place up in no time. But we better be careful or those stuffed shirts at Lock Links will be over here wanting to join our club!

Bert: Hi George! Hard at work on another pecan pie?

George: Er, no, not exactly Bert.

Bert: (looking in oven) Ah, a luxurious lime mousse!

George: Bert, I'm cleaning the oven.

Bert: What's going on Lisa? You've never smoked before!

Lisa: I don't need a lecture Bert Raccoon!

Cyril: (On the phone) I know you're just the secretary at Lock Links, but if you were to shuffle things around a bit I'm sure we can find a way to get into that club of yours. (pauses) I've got a pile of paper here, tens and twenties actually! That might... hello? Hello!? (Hangs up) Hah! I don't know if want to belong to a club that won't even take a bribe!

(Lisa catches Bentley pretending to smoke a cigarette)

Lisa: Bentley Raccoon!

Bentley: Lisa!

Lisa: Take that thing out of your mouth right now buster!

Bentley: Hey, I was only fooling around!

Lisa: You don't fool around with cigarettes! You have any idea what they can do to your health? You can't breathe, they smell awful, they're expensive and once you start smoking it's almost impossible to stop! Bentley, cigarettes are NOT cool!

Bentley: I know that stuff already. And you know that I don't smoke. Brother! Sisters can be so dumb!

(Cyril hears Lisa crying round the back of Bert and Cedric's clubhouse, and sees her tearing up her cigarettes)

Cyril: Ahem! Something wrong kid?

Lisa: Oh, Mr Sneer! I guess this looks weird to you, huh?

Cyril: No, I've done this before. With cigars. You know, they don't break nearly as nicely but they're just as hard to quit.

Lisa: Oh I've already quit!

Cyril: Great! But why the tears? I'd be hilariously happy if I could quit.

Lisa: But your friends wouldn't dump you if you did! I just lost a friend. She said I wouldn't fit in with her crowd.

Cyril: Listen kid, some crowds just are not worth belonging to.

Lisa: Yeah, but I wanted to belong.

Cyril: Crowds, clubs, it's all the same deal. You do what they want, they let you join up. Pretty soon you're just like them. I was almost a Lock Links lemming! You don't want to be one of those do you?

Lisa: I guess not.

Cyril: Dare to be different. And never mind what the crowd thinks! Because as long as they're talking about you, they'll never forget about you!

Lisa: I guess you're right! Y'know Mr Sneer, you're a lot different from what people have told me. You're okay!

Cyril: What people? What did they say? Were there three of them? Short little fat guys with flat noses and squeaky voices?

(Lisa laughs)

The Evergreen Election! [5x11]

Pig One: Ladies and gentlemen, we are here to tell you to vote for Cyril Sneer!

Pig Two: Because he promises open government behind closed doors!

Pig One: Things are worse than we thought. Let's face it boys, if the boss loses, we lose. No cushy job as the mayor's assistants, no big office, no three hour lunches!

Pig Three: (sobbing) What are we gonna do?

Pig One: Get a grip on yourselves guys! There's only one honourable thing we can do...

Pigs: (in unison) Cheat like crazy!

Pig Two: The boss is gonna dump us and hire Lady Baden-Baden!

Pig Three: They always said politics was a dirty business!

Pig One: Well it's going to get a lot dirtier!

The One That Got Away! [5x12]

(Mr Knox is outlining him and Cyril's environmentally friendly intentions, but some members of the press are leaving)

Bert: Hey, where are they all going?

Ralph: That's the trouble with the press Bert. Good news is no news.

Mr Knox: I never thought I'd see the day Mr Sneer. You and me working together for a better world.

Cyril: Well as long as a better world means better profits, I'm all for it!

Bert: Somebody just dumped this... this poison! How could they do it?

Cedric: They just didn't care Bert.

(In the aftermath of the fishing hole being poisoned)

Cyril: Boys, we're going to find out who did this if it's the last thing we do.

Pig One: Uh... we did it, boss.

Cyril: YOU WHAT?

Pig One: It was just a job boss!

Pig Two: We don't even know who hired us!

Pig Three: We didn't know what was in the barrels boss.

Pig One: He wouldn't tell us.

Pig Two: He just told us to dump them!

Pig Three: He... he paid us a lot of money.

Cyril: He paid you a lot of money. You want money? Here! Here's lots of money! Take it all. Take some more! Just give me back the fishing hole! Can you do that? Can you give me a price on that?! Can you?!

(Milton Midas has been found responsible for the pollution)

Milton Midas: Gentlemen! Gentleman! I sure we can come to some accomodation here!

Mr Knox: Oh I know we can, sir!

Cyril: In fact we've arranged some accomodation for you! (Cuts to two police officers with handcuffs)

Milton Midas: No! Wait! You've got it all wrong! It was an accident! Trust me! NOOOO!

Cedric: That's my Pop. The environmental crusader!

Cyril: (about the fishing hole) It was a good place. At least we've got our memories.

Bentley: I don't. I never got the chance.

Cedric: Maybe not Bentley. But feeling sorry about it won't change anything.

Bentley: You're right Cedric. It's up to us. We've got to change things.

Go for Gold! [5x13]

Narrator: The sun has risen on another day in the Evergreen Forest. And while some folks have to struggle to get out of bed, Cyril Sneer has no such problem. He never went to bed!

Lisa: Why are you quitting?

Bert: Because!

Lisa: What kind of answer is that? Are you quitting because you might lose to me?

Bert: Of course not! I just don't feel like racing right now.

Lisa: Bert Raccoon, you're acting like a child!

Cyril: This is one million dollars we're talking about!

Cedric: No, it's you we're talking about! 'Cause if you don't slow down... well, all the money in the world wouldn't buy me another pop.

Voice cast

Len Carlson - Bert Raccoon, Pigs Two and Three, Mr. Knox, additional voices
Michael Magee - Cyril Sneer, Snag
Bob Dermer - Ralph Raccoon, Lady Baden-Baden, additional voices
Linda Feige - Melissa Raccoon (1985-1986)
Susan Roman - Melissa Raccoon (1987-1991), additional voices
Marvin Goldhar - Cedric Sneer, additional voices
Sharon Lewis - Sophia Tutu, Broo
Carl Banas - Schaeffer, Bears, Mr. Mammoth, Mr. Willow
Noam Zylberman - Tommy, Bentley Raccoon (1987-1990)
Stuart Stone - Bentley Raccoon (1990-1991), Danny
Lisa Lougheed - Lisa Raccoon
Nick Nichols - Pig One (1985-1990; 1991), Mr. Barnes (1988)
Keith Hampshire - Pig One (1990-1991)
Murray Crunchley - Dan the Forest Ranger
Vanessa Lindorres - Julie
Rick Jones - Sidekick (1985-1987)
Dan Hennessey - George Raccoon, Sidekick (1990)
Elizabeth Hanna - Nicole Raccoon
Geoffery Winter - Narrator

TV specials

External links

Wikipedia

Wikipedia has an article about:

The Raccoons