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The Producers (2005 film)

2005 film by Susan Stroman

The Producers is a 2005 film starring Nathan Lane, Matthew Broderick and Uma Thurman about down-on-his-luck producer Max Bialystock who, after putting together another Broadway flop, teams up with timid accountant Leo Bloom in a get-rich-quick scheme to put on the world's worst show.

Directed by Susan Stroman. Written by Mel Brooks and Thomas Meehan.

Max Bialystock

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  • [To Leo] Well, you know what they say: "smile and the world smiles with you." [to bust] This man should be in a straightjacket!
  • There's a lot more to you than there is to you! [mouthed] What the fuck?
  • Dear Lord... I want that money!
  • Please make audition - make audition allll over the office.
  • [to Ulla] Even though we're sitting down, we're giving you a standing ovation.
  • Hold me touch me, where is hold me touch me...Hold me touch me, Hold me touch me... Kiss me feel me, Lick me bite me, Yank me spank me, Suck me fu... ah! Hold me touch me!
  • [reading a play] As Gregor Samsa woke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a giant cock-a-roach. [speaking] Nah, too good.
  • [holding play] Smell it. Touch it. Kiss it. Kiss it! It's the mother lode...
  • I'll send you to the moon Thursday. I may even join you.
  • Shut up! I'm having a rhetorical conversation!
  • For once, I would love to see someone on that couch who's under eighty-five!
  • [After Ulla has painted the entire room white, he goes to the safe with the tax books] ...She painted over the numbers...
  • [after seeing Franz perform at the auditions] THAT'S OUR HITLER!
  • Let's get out of here before they kill us.
  • We got the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did we go right?
  • Leo, you are nervous, over-stimulated. GIVE ME THOSE FRIGGIN' BOOKS!
  • What are you shooting at us for, you teutonic TWIT?!
  • [with a very high Irish accent] And now I'll be on me way, before me voice gets any higher! As we say in the old country... [normal voice] TAXI!
  • [reading a postcard] Dear Max, Rio is everything you said it was and more. Ulla and i think of you every chance we get. In the morning, when we have Breakfast on our Terrace, many different Herrings. In the afternoon, we rub each other's sun-drenched bodies with Banana Cream Coconut Oil, Number 15. And then, in the evening, when we samba together in the moonlight.... Sorry, must run, Ulla's waiting. It's almost 11, wish you were here. Your pal, Leo!
  • I'm drowning here! I'm going down for the last time! I... I... I see my whole life flashing before my eyes! I see a weathered old farmhouse... With a white picket fence... I'm running through fields of alfalfa with my collie, Rex. No Rex, not on the alfalfa! And I see my mother... I see Mama, standing on the back porch, in a worn but clean gingham gown... And I hear my mama calling out to me..."Alvin, don't forget your chores! The wood needs a-cordin' and the cows need a-milkin'! Alvin! Alvin!"... Wait a minute. My name's not Alvin. That's not my life. Someone else's life is flashing before my eyes... WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT?! I'm not a hillbilly, I grew up in the Bronx! Leo's taken everything... even my past!
  • [to a prisoner in Sing Sing] What are you in for, lack of rhythm?

Leo Bloom

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  • And what a day! In the same day I have taken the Siegfried oath, I've danced with a cop, a sailor and an extremely friendly Cherokee Indian.
  • When's it gonna be Bloomsday?
  • I want everything I've ever seen in the movies!
  • [Going hysterical, and pointing at Bialystock] FAT! FAT! FAT-FAT-FATTY-FAT!!!
  • Mr. Bialystock, I'm afraid you've made a terrible error in judgement. You've mistaken me for someone with a spine.
  • Stop the world! I wanna get on!
  • I'm not going into the toilet! I'm going into show business!
  • You were right about one thing. You are a CPA - a certified public asshole!
  • MY BLUE BLANKET! GIVE ME BACK MY BLUE BLANKET!! AAAAARGH!
  • [Hysterical, as Bialystock is standing over him] You're gonna jump on me! You're gonna jump on me! I know you're gonna jump on me and squash me like a bug! PLEASE DON'T JUMP ON ME! [Max jumps in place, screaming "I'm not gonna jump on you - get a hold of yourself!]
  • I'M HYSTERICAL! I'M HYSTERICAL! (Bialystock splashes him with a glass of water) ... I'M WET! I'M WET! I'M WET AND I'M HYSTERICAL! (Bialystock then slaps him) ...I'M IN PAIN! I'M IN PAIN AND I'M WET AND I'M STILL HYSTERICAL!

Franz Liebkind

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  • Broadway! I haven't been zis happy since we crushed Poland!
  • Stop moving! How can I shoot you if you keep moving?!
  • Zis is no good! I'm not killing anyone!
  • [Finding Max and Leo under a desk] You sniveling cowards! Cringing under a desk. Clinging on for life like baby butterflies! I am going to show you how to die like a man! [points gun at self, attempts to shoot three times but is unsuccessful] Boy, when things go wrong. [throws gun on couch, shot fires]
  • Hilda, where are you going? Argentina's that way!
  • I was never a member of the Nazi Party! I only followed orders! I had nothing to do with the war! I didn't even know there was a war on! We lived at the back, near Switzerland. All we heard was yodeling... yodel le he hoo! Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo, Yodelay, Yodelay, Yodelay - WHO ARE YOU!?!
  • I must tell my birds!
  • Zis man could never play Adolf Hitler! Ze Führer wasn't a mousy little mama's boy! Ze Führer was BUTCH! And zat is not how you sing 'Haben Sie gehört das Deutsche band'! Zis is how you sing 'Haben Sie gehört das Deutsche band'!
  • AQAP! [pause] As kvick as possible!
  • Not many people know zis, but ze Führer was descended from a long line of English kveens.
  • Not many people know zis, but ze Führer was a terrific dancer.
  • Gott in Himmel!
  • That's because you were taken in by the BBC! FILTHY BRITISH LIES! But did they ever say a bad word about Winston Churchill? CHURCHILL! BLEUGH! With his cigars, and his brandy, and his ROTTEN paintings! ROTTEN! Hitler - there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! Two coats!
  • [Whispered at the end of the credits] Don't forget to buy... Mein Kampf... in paperback... available near you... at Border's Books... or Barnes & Noble... und Amazon.com... guten tag.

Roger De Bris

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  • I shall have to think about it - I'll do it.
  • [signing his name] Roger Elizabeth DeBris!
  • Quick darling, back in the closet!
  • You mean that smell is you? Oh GOD. If I could bottle you, I'd shove you under my armpits every day.
  • Of course that whole second act has to be rewritten. They're losing the war? Excuse me? It's too downbeat!
  • [singing] Keep it happy, keep it snappy, keep it gay!
  • [sung as Hitler] I was just a paper hanger
    no one more obscurer.
    Got a phone call from the Reichstag
    told me I was Führer.
    Germany was blue
    What, oh, what to do?
    Hitched up my pants
    and conquered France.
    Now Deutschland's smiling through!
    It ain't no mystery
    if it's politics or history.
    The thing you've got to know is
    everything is showbiz!
  • [singing] I see a line of beautiful girls dressed as stormtroopers each one a gem. With leather boots and whips on their hips. It's risque, dare I say, S&M! I see German soldiers dancing through France played by chorus boys in very tight pants. And wait there's more! THEY WIN THE WAR! And the dances they do will be daring and new. Turn turn kick turn, turn turn kick turn, one two three kick turn! Keep it sassy, keep it classy, keep it gay.
  • [sung] I'm the German Ethel Merman don't cha know?!
  • I'm supposed to be the Grand Duchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like the Chrysler Building!
  • Carmen,call in a singing Hitler,please.

Carmen Ghia

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  • And so the rule is, when mounting a... play. Keep it sunny, keep it funny, keep it gay.
  • Roger, We're not alone...
  • May I take your hats, your coats, and your Swastikas?
  • [When he answers the door] Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssss...ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss?
    Max: I-
    Carmen Ghia: Ssssssss?
  • Hello, the living room of renowned theatrical director Roger Debris, in an elegant eastside townhouse on a sunny Tuesday afternoon in June. Who may I say is calling?
    [Got angry] Listen, you broken down old queen, he was drunk, he was hot, you got lucky, don't ever call here again!
    [Roger in other room] Who was that!?
    Wrong number!
  • If your intention was to shoot an arrow through my heart...Bullseye!
  • Yes darling... Roger.

Ulla

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  • [sung] Violinists love to play an E-string, but audiences really love a G-string!
  • Secretary-slash-receptionist? Okie-slash-dokie!
  • Why Bloom go so far camera right?
  • Ulla wake up at five A.M. every day. From five to seven, Ulla like to exercise. From seven to eight, Ulla like to take long shower. From eight to nine, Ulla like to have big Swedish breakfast. Many different herrings. From nine to eleven, Ulla like to practice her singing and her dancing. And at eleven, Ulla like to have sex. ... What time should I get here? (Max and Leo respond synchronicity - "Eleven")

Others

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  • Brazilian Samba Performer: [Sung] You'll find your happiness in Rio! The beaches there are strewn with pearls! The latin breezes always blow there! And so, we hear, do the girls!
  • Sing Sing Prison Guard: Gentlemen, you are hereby granted a full pardon for having - through song and dance - brought joy and laughter into the hearts of every murderer, rapist, and sex maniac in Sing Sing! You're free!
  • Stormtrooper "Mel": Don't be stupid, be a smartie. Come and join the Nazi Party.
  • Mr. Marks: Do I smell the revolting stench of self-esteem?
  • Stormtrooper "Rolf": I was born in Düsseldorf, and that is why they call me Rolf.

Dialogue

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Max: I was a protege of the great Boris Tomashevsky. He taught me everything I know. I'll never forget, he turned to me on his death bed and said: "Maxella, alle menschen muss zu machen, jeden tug a gentzen kachen!"
Nun: What does that mean?
Max: Who knows, I don't speak Yiddish. Strangely enough, neither did he. But in my heart, I knew what he was saying. He was saying when you're down and out and everybody thinks you're finished, that's the time to stand up on your two feet and shout: "Who do you have to fuck to get a break in this stinking town?"
Max: Do you know who I am?
Leo: You are Max Bialystock, King of BROADWAY!
Max: No, I am Max Bialystock - that's right!
Max: Whatta ya say, Bloom?
Leo: [sung] What do I say?
Finally a chance to be a Broadway producer!
What do I say?
Finally a chance to make my dreams come true, sir!
What do I say? What do I say?
Here's what I say to you, sir... I can't do it!
Leo: I'm a fountain?
Max: [yelling] Yes, you're a fountain!
Max: The two cardinal rules of producing are one: Never put your own money in the show.
Leo: And two?
Max: [yelling] Never put your own money in the show!
Leo and Max: We can do it! We can do it!
Max: Every show I touch I doom!
Leo and Max: We were fated, To be mated, We're Bialystock and Bloom!
Carmen Ghia: He's having a stroke.
Max: What?!
Carmen Ghia: Of genius!!
Franz Liebkind: [Making Max and Leo take the Siegfried Oath] Raise Your right forefingers! I solemnly svear...
Leo and Max: [holding up their right forefingers] I solemnly svear...
Franz Liebkind: To obey ze Zacred Siegfried Oas...
Leo and Max: To obey the Sacred Siegfried Oath...
Franz Liebkind: Und!
Max: [Switching to his middle finger] Und!
Leo: [Switching to his middle finger] Und!
Franz Liebkind: [Wagging his finger] Never, Never, Never!
Leo and Max: [Flipping Franz off] Never, Never, Never.
Franz Liebkind: Dishoner ze spirit und ze memory of Adolf Elizabeth Hitler.
Leo and Max: Dishonor the spirit and the... Elizabeth?
Franz Liebkind: Jah. Dat vas his middle name. Not many people know it, but der Führer vas descended from a long line of English qveens.
[long pause]
Max: Is that right?
Leo and Max: [shrugging] Adolf ELIZABETH Hitler.
Franz Liebkind: You know, not many people know zis, but der Führer was a terrific dancer.
Max: Really? Gee, we didn't know that, did we, Leo?
Leo: No, we sure didn't.
Franz Liebkind: THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE TAKEN IN BY THE BBC! Filthy British lies! But did they ever say a bad word about Winston Churchill? CHURCHILL! With his cigars, and his brandy, and his ROTTEN paintings! ROTTEN! Hitler, there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! Two coats!
Roger De Bris: [wearing a dress] I am going to the choreographers' ball this evening. There is a prize for best costume.
Carmen Ghia: We always win.
Roger De Bris: I am not so sure about this year. I am supposed to be the Grand Dutchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like the Chrysler Building.
Carmen Ghia: Well, as far as I'm concerned, without your wig on, you're only half dressed.
Roger De Bris: Well then, why don't you go and get it, o wicked witch of the west?
Carmen Ghia: If your intention was to shoot an arrow through my heart . . . Bullseye!
Max: Listen Roger, did you get a chance yet to read "Springtime for Hitler?"
Roger De Bris: Read it? I devoured it! It's loaded with historical goodies. I for one, for instance, never realized that the Third Reich meant Germany.
Max: Yeah, how 'bout that? Then you'll do it?
Roger De Bris: Do it? Of course not.
[Music starts]
Roger De Bris: [sung] The theatre's so obsessed
With dramas so depressed
It's hard to sell a ticket on Broadway
Shows should be more pretty
Shows should be more witty
Shows should be more...
Roger De Bris: [spoken] What's the word?
Leo: Gay?
Roger De Bris: Exactly!
Donald Dinsmore: I would like to sing "The little wooden boy. "
[the song intro plays as Donald dances. Just before he is about to open his mouth...]
Roger De Bris: NEXT!
Leo: Actors aren't animals! They're human beings!
Max: Have you ever eaten with one?
Leo: What's your name?
Ulla: Ulla Inga Hansen Bensen Yansen Tallen Hallen Svadon Swanson.
Max: What's your first name?
Ulla: That was my first name. Would you like to know my last name?
Max: We don't have the time.
Ulla: Would you like Ulla make audition?
Leo: That won't be nece-
Max: Yes, it is nessa! Extremely nessa!
Leo: [to Ulla] We might have a position for you.
Max: Actually, we might have several positions for you.
Leo: So what time can you get here?
Ulla: Well, Ulla wake up every morning at five AM. From five to seven, Ulla exercise. From seven to eight Ulla like to take long shower. From eight to nine Ulla eat big Swedish breakfast. Many different herrings. From nine to eleven, Ulla practice her singing und her dancing. And at eleven, Ulla like to have sex. So, what time should Ulla get here?
Leo and Max: Eleven.
Ulla: Good! Ulla will come at eleven!
Max: [holding his head in his hands] Ulla will come at eleven...
Ulla: Gut dog me venen!
Leo and Max: God dag minen venena... ninna...
Ulla: God bless America!
[Ulla leaves]
Max: God bless Sweden!
Leo: Max, I think we're getting in too deep.
Max: Too deep? This is nothing. I'll tell you when we're getting in too deep.
Carmen Ghia: Hello, the living room of renowned theatrical director Roger De Bris' elegant Upper East Side townhouse on a sunny Tuesday afternoon in June. Whom may I say is calling? Listen, you broken down old queen. He was drunk, he was hot, you got lucky! Don't ever call here again!
Roger De Bris: Who was that?
Carmen Ghia: Wrong number!
Leo, Max, Carmen Ghia, Roger De Bris: Break a leg!
[CRASH!]
Max: Franz, what happened?
Franz Liebkind: I broke my leg!
Leo: [Screams hysterically]
[Max runs over and splashes Leo with a glass of water]
Leo: I'M WET! I'M WET! I'M HYSTERICAL AND I'M WET!
[Max slaps Leo]
Leo: [Pauses] I'M IN PAIN! I'M WET AND IN PAIN! AND I'M STILL HYSTERICAL [Babbles]
Max: What can I do? You're making me hysterical
Leo: Get away, you're too close, you frighten me!
Max: I frighten you?!
Leo: Get down over there, sit over there!
Max: I'm sitting! I'm sitting!
Leo: [Flinches] You still look angry!
Max: I'm sorry, is this better? [Grins goofily] [In a childish, patronizing voice] Who's my little accountant? Who's my little accountant? Are you my little accountant? Yes you are!
Leo: [Now calm] Thank you for smiling, that helped a great deal!
Carmen: I'll take your coats, and hats...and your swastikas.
Max: Sorry. Just came from a big rally, everyone was wearing one.
Max (to Leo): You didn't tell me we were still wearing them!
Leo: I didn't notice.
Franz Liebkind: [furiously barges in waving a gun around] You have broken ze Siegfried Oas! YOU MUST DIE! YOU ALL MUST DIE!!!
[Everyone panics and hides as Franz attempts to shoot them]
Roger De Bris: What are you doing, you neo-Nazi nitwit? Your show's a hit!
Franz Liebkind: Who cares?!? You made a fool out of Hitler!
Carmen Ghia, Roger De Bris: He didn't need our help.
Roger De Bris: This crazy Kraut is crackers! He crashed in here and crassly tried to kill us!
Carmen Ghia: Oh, Roger, what alliteration.
Roger De Bris: Thank you, darling.
[With one leg already broken Franz Liebkind falls down the stairs]
Officer O'Rourke: [Calling down the stairs] What happened?
Franz Liebkind: I broke my other leg!
Mailman: Mail call! Hey! Fatso!
Max: I'm not that fat!
Mailman: Says you.
Hold Me-Touch Me: I know, let's play the virgin milkmaid and the well-hung stable boy.
Max: Oh, I don't think I have the strength.
Hold Me-Touch Me: Don't worry, I'll be gentle. Oh dear, this milk is so heavy. I'll never reach the house. You there, well-hung stable boy, won't you please help me?
Max: Why of course my little dairy queen. First, I shall take your milk. Then, I shall take your VIRGINITY!
[The entire jury is dancing the samba, laughing]
Judge: Order! Order in the court! AND STOP THAT SAMBA!!! [forcefully slams his gavel]
Leo: I'm very sorry I caught you feeling up the old lady.
Max: "Feeling up the old lady." Thank you Mr. Tact.
Ulla: Remember when Ulla dance?
Max and Leo: Yes.
Ulla: Ulla dance again!
Max: Ulla dance again!!!
Franz: The punishment for breaking the Zigfried Oaths is dess.
Max: Dess? Is that anything like 'Death'?
Franz: Yeth!
Hold-Me Touch-Me: I made it out just like you told me to: To the title of the play. "Cash". It's a funny sort of name for a play, "Cash"...
Max: So is "The Iceman Cometh."
Judge: And who might you be, my dear?
Ulla: Ulla Inga Hansen Bensen Yonsen Tallen-Hallen Svaden-Svanson... Bloom.
Judge: You're HIS wife?
Ulla: He wouldn't do it unless we got married!
Judge: What a schmuck!
Leo: [sung] I wanna be a producer... 'Cause it's everything I'm not
Accountants: [sung] Unhappy... unhappy...
Leo: [sung] I wanna be a producer...
Accountants: [sung] Very, very... unhappy... Unhappy...
Leo: [sung] I wanna be a producer... [spoken] Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Hold everything!
Accountants: [sung] Very, very... unhappy... Unhap...
Leo: HOLD EVERYTHING! What I am I doing here? Mr. Bialystock was right! There is a lot more to me than there is to me! Stop the world, I wanna get on!
Mr. Marks: What the hell is going on here? Do I smell the revolting stench of self-esteem?!? Bloom! Where do you think you're going? You've already had your toilet break.
Leo: I'm not going in the toilet... I'm going in SHOW BUSINESS! Mr. Marks, I've got news for you. I quit! And you were right about one thing. You are a C.P.A.: a Certified Public ASSHOLE!!
Accountants:' HOORAY!!!
Leo: Here's my visor... my Dixon Ticonderoga number two pencil... and my big finish! [sung] I'm gonna be a producer!
Chorus Girls: [sung] He's gonna be a producer!
Leo and Chorus Girls: [sung] Look out, Broadway...
Leo: [sung] 'Cause here I come!
Carmen Ghia: Well as far as I'm concerned, without your wig on you're only half dressed.
Roger De Bris: Well then, why don't you go and get it, oh Wicked Witch of the Wessst?
Carmen Ghia: [after a long pause] If your intention was to shoot an arrow through my heart... BULLSEYE!
Roger:Well they all just read Springtime, what'd you think of it guys?
Bryan:[all sung] It needs glamor
Scott: And glitz
Kevin:It needs sequins
Shirley Markowitz: And tits
Leo: Mr. De Bris... Roger, Roger, actually I think your gown is very stunning.
Roger: Why thank you Mr Bloom. Leo. [sniffing] Mmm, what is that enchanting cologne your wearing?
Leo: Me? I'm not wearing any cologne.
Roger: You mean that smell is you. Oh, God. If I could bottle you I'd shove you under my armpits everyday.
Roger: [singing] I'll sign! Roger Elizabeth De Bris! [Max and Leo look up confused, after just finding out the Hitler's middle name was also Elizabeth]
Roger: So Jason, what have you been up to?
Jason Green: For ze last 16 years I have been touring in No No Nietzsche.
Roger: Ahh, you played Nietzsche?
Jason Green: No no.
Roger: [making a face] What are you going ta sing?
Jason Green: Have you ever heard ze German band?
Roger: No.
Jason Green: Zat is za name of ze song I am going to sing!
Carmen Ghia: Jaques La Peduex! [both Carmen and Roger look around, but no one steps forward] Jaques La Peduex? [Roger looks at the name card and whispers into Carmen's ear] Jack Lapidus?

Cast

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