The Mentalist (season 1)

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The Mentalist (2008–2015) is an American crime procedural television series, airing on CBS, about a private investigator who uses his skills of observation to help the police solve crimes.

Pilot [1.01] edit

[Talking about Partridge]

Patrick: He irks me. He's irksome.

[Lisbon on the phone with Jane]

Lisbon: Hey. So, you might be right about this case, might be. Thanks for the insight. No, did I say that? I'm acknowledging the fact that you might be right, that's all. I mean, if you wanted to come back, I couldn't stop you. Yeah, fine, I'm asking you to come back. Because... because you're useful to the team. No! No, I won't say 'please', go screw yourself! Jackass.

Grace: Okay do you want this desk or that one over there? I mean that one gets more light so...

Patrick: More light, definately!

Theresa: (looks up and says sarcastically) Oh Hi. When did you get here?

Theresa: You okay? (as Patrick smiles weakly) Get some sleep, Okay? (Patrick ignores this order and works through the night and is still working when Rigsby and Grace walk in the door, Theresa folling after) You didn't sleep did you? (Patrick slurps his soda in reply then stares as Theresa makes a call) Hi, I'd like to make an appointment with Dr. Wagner please! It's urgent! (istens to what is said) Jane, Patrick Jane. (istens to what is said) Yeah, I'll hold! (smiles evilly at Patricks mournful face)

Theresa: Don't even start! I'm still angry!

Patrick: I'm sorry!

Theresa: No you're not! (Patrick places an origami frog on her desk and walks away) A frog? This makes everything better doesn't it?! (gasps as the frog jumps at her and turns to smile at Patrick but turns away when he smiles at her)

Dr. Linus Wagner: Why is it you can't sleep?

Jane: Because I can't get the good pills without talking to a doctor.

Dr. Linus Wagner: You don't like talking to a doctor?

Jane: They always want to be the smartest person in the room, don't they? When in fact, that's me, obviously.

Jane: Be reasonable. This is my case.

Lisbon: Your case?

Jane: Red John's mine.

Lisbon: Red John doesn't belong to anyone.

[Long pause, everybody except Lisbon and Jane go into the house]

Jane: He belongs to me.

[Reading note slid under Jane's hotel room door]

Red John's Note: Greetings old friend, it's been a while. I hope you are keeping well. I am thriving and happy. I have 12 wives now and will soon begin courting number 13. Why can't you catch me? You must feel so powerless and stupid and sad. Oh well. All the best. Red John.

Grace: Mr. Jane, I have a question regarding your previous career path.

Jane: Fire away.

Grace: When you met with other psychics, real psychics, could they tell you were just pretending?

Jane: There's no such thing as real psychics.

Grace: I beg to differ. My cousin Yolanda is a psychic.

Jane: Your cousin is deluded or dishonest or both.

Rigsby: Hey, steady.

Grace: No, no, he's entitled to his opinion. He's wrong, though. She has power. She can communicate with the other side. I've seen her do it myself.

Jane: She let you speak with someone that's gone, someone that you love and still miss very much. You wanted her power to be real so it was.

Rigsby: You're so sure you're right. Science doesn't know everything.

Grace: Five hundred years ago, radio would have seemed like magic. Five hundred years in the future, it could be totally normal to communicate with the other side.

Jane: The other side?...There is no other side…

[Jane discusses Red John on a television show and returns home that evening, five years ago, and finds a note]

Red John's Note: Dear mister Jane, I don't like to be slandered in the media, especially by a dirty money-grubbing fraud. If you were a real psychic, instead of a dishonest little worm, you wouldn't need to open the door to see what I've done to your lovely wife and child.

[Jane opens the door to find a red smiling face painted on the wall....]

Mrs. Tolliver: I don't understand. You're psychic?

Jane: No, just paying attention. I used to make a good living pretending to be a psychic. I tell you this because I want you to understand there's no point hiding things from me.

[Jane moves a straw across the table without touching it]

Grace: How do you do that?

Jane: Telekinesis.

Cho: He blew on it.

Jane: That is another way to do it.

[To Price Randolph about his brother, Tag]

Cho: Mister Randolph - rest assured, there is no reason to persecute you. We scumbags are holding your brother because we have physical evidence linking him to the crime and potential motive in that he states that whenever you weren't around, he was banging your wife like a big bass drum.

[Lisbon walks in just after a wife shoots her husband for murdering their daughter while Jane was alone with them]

Jane: Honestly, it's not as bad as it looks.

[Accusing a father of murdering his daughter]

Jane: An innocent man would've punched me by now.

Red Hair and Silver Tape [1.02] edit

Lisbon: If it wasn't him, then who was it? And if you say a man who likes red hair and silver duct tape, I'll scream.

Patrick: I don't want you to scream.

Jane: I made a booking for two for this afternoon. Could you put us on the terrace? It's more romantic. Thanks... Yeah, Patrick... Lovely. See you then. [To Lisbon] Don't fret, I wouldn't seduce you over a meal. That'd be very sophomoric.

Lisbon: I didn't think you were trying to seduce me.

Jane: Come on, how could that thought not have entered your head?

[Lisbon stares speechlessly at Jane]

Jane: Your denial that it did intrigues me.

Lisbon: Bite me.

[Talking about Raquel]

Lisbon: That was funny, the way she gave him up so easily like that?

Jane: Yeah, it was. But you were right, huh? Secret lover. Guess I was wrong about the whole red-hair-and-duct-tape thing.

Lisbon: You hypnotized her, didn't you?

Jane: I certainly did not. [Lisbon just stares at him] Okay, no. Yes, I did hypnotize her, but--

Lisbon: But nothing. It's unprofessional and it's illegal. It's totally out of bounds.

Cho:That's what I told him.

Jane: I was gonna say you had nothing to do with it, but hey.

Lisbon: [Cho]if you allow him to pull that stuff again, and you'll be showing visitors around the statehouse in a stupid hat.

[staring into Raquel's eyes]

Jane: Raquel, look at me. Before you fall asleep tonight while you're lying in your bed relaxing and slowly drifting off into sleep... I want you to think of me. Think of me and imagine that you can fly. Imagine that you're weightless. You can float gently into the air if you want to. Safe, and calm, and serene. You can fly away and leave all your burdens and worries and fears behind you. [pauses] Imagine that. What a nice feeling it is. Next time you see me, [taps Raquel gently on the knee] when I say hello you'll remember that good feeling and you will want to tell me the truth. Because when you do tell the truth, you feel that a heavy weight has been lifted from your shoulders. I'll say hello and you will feel as light as a feather... as if you are floating on air. [leans back with a smile on face] Why don't you sit here a moment and think about that before you go back to work?

Raquel: Whatever. [turns to Cho] Your friend's crazy. Can I go now?

Cho: Yes.

Jane: [looking at Cho] It worked on the chicken.

[After Jane's plan to lure in the suspect has gone awry]

Lisbon: Everything's funny.

Jane: Well, if you try. I mean, come on. That was pretty funny. Strange though. I was sure the Chef would bite. I mean, there's still a chance he could show up.

Lisbon: The chef? Malcolm? Why do you think it's him?

Jane: He uses way too much butter.

Lisbon: Say--?

Jane: He's a gluttonous baby. He's self indulgent. He wants what he wants and takes it.

Lisbon: Too much butter.

Jane: Yeah.

Lisbon: It's fascinating, the way your mind works.

Jane: I've a daughter that would be about your age if I hadn't caused her death... her and her mother.

Frankie O'Keefe: How?

Jane: Out of arrogance... stupidity. I made an evil man very angry and he killed them to teach me a lesson. To make me sorry for what I've done... and I am sorry. Being sorry is far worse punishment than being dead, everybody dies... very few people ever feel truly sorry for the bad things they've done.

Jane: No such thing as psychic powers.

Sheriff McAllister: So what is it you do exactly?

Jane: You know rock paper scissors?

Sheriff McAllister: I do.

Jane: Play me. On three; one, two, three.

[Jane wins six consecutive games]

Grace: I don't get it. She actually enjoyed helping him kill. One crazy, evil person I understand, but two? Husband and wife? Marriage is suppose to be a sacred, loving thing.

Jane: Yeah, they were soulmates in their own strange way.

[talking about the relationship between Melanie and Hector]

Hector Ramirez: What we had... was special.

Jane: You made her feel like a captured princess instead of a small town choir nerd. And she made you feel like a dashing pirate instead of what you are... sort of a bad-tempered pharmacist.

Red Tide [1.3] edit

Grace: It's gotta be tough.

Lisbon: What?

Grace: I mean, a drunk driver. Isn't that what happened to your mother? [Lisbon stares at her] Sorry. It's not my business.

Lisbon: We don't discuss our personal lives in this unit. It's not useful and it's not professional.

Jane: You want symbolic? You're a hawk and Christine was a rabbit.

Hope: What does that even mean?

Jane: Bird of prey, rabbit. You tell me.

[Talking about Dane Kurtik]

Jane: He's not gonna confess.

Lisbon: What'd you think, he'd break under the bad lighting conditions?

Lisbon: You have good kids.

Jack Tanner: Yeah, I do.

Lisbon: You're all they have.

Jack Tanner: Yeah, I know.

Lisbon: Be good to them.

Jack Tanner: I am good to them.

Lisbon: My father was a good man, just like you are. And after my mother died... he was a self-pitying drunk, just like you are. He killed himself. Damn near killed me and my brothers too. Get some help. Your kids deserve it. So do you.

Philip Handler: I guess, uh, you must be bad cop.

Lisbon: I try.

[After Jane was hit by Dane Kurtik]

Minelli: You couldn't just give Kurtik a stern talking to instead?

Lisbon: What about Christine Tanner, sir? If Kurtik was having sex with her, that gives him motive to kill.

Minelli: If! And that's a hunch. Based on rockabilly.

Lisbon: It's a Jane hunch, you keep him around for a reason.

Dane Kurtik: I never touched Christine Tanner.

Jane: Liar.

Dane Kurtik: Believe me, when I tell you that you just now made the worst mistake of your miserable little life.

Jane: Believe me, no matter how this turns out, I've made worse mistakes.

[Lisbon and Jane are interviewing a suspect]

Jane: See, the thing is, Flip, Lisbon here is looking at you like you're a pork chop, because you fit the profile. Your life is in chaos, you're lonely, you're depressed, you're addicted to drugs and pornography and a little nuts, to be honest. You're exactly the kind of man that does terrible things to women. But I don't think you did this.

Ladies in Red [1.4] edit

Rigsby: I look around, I don't see anyone here who could torture a man to death with pliers and a lit cigar.

Patrick: Picture them naked and ravenously hungry.

Grace: Ew!

Minelli: What were you thinking? Leaving this man alone at an event like that?

Lisbon: No excuses, I mistakenly treated him like a responsible adult.

[Talking about seduction]

Rigsby: Okay, I'll bite. What's the basic principle?

Jane: Cost you a dollar.

Rigsby: For what?

Jane: So you'll pay attention.

[Rigsby gives Jane a dollar]

Jane: Love and affection.

Rigsby: What?

Jane: Love and affection.

Rigsby: Give me my dollar back.

Jane: When you're seducing someone, what are you offering them? Love and affection. Who doesn't want love and affection. It's simple.

Rigsby: Seriously, give me my dollar back.

Rigsby: Seduction's not my strong point.

Jane: Seduction's easy once you know the basic principles. There's nothing to it.

Rigsby: Oh, really? Well, I don't see a crowd of women following you around.

Jane: Why would I want a crowd of women following me around?

[Talking about Jennifer Sands]

Lisbon: (joking around with Jane for once) You're not soft on her, are you?

Jane: No...maybe a little. We need to talk to the lawyer--

Lisbon: Bennett. We need to talk to him. You need to stay well away. (realises what he said and looks a little hurt) Did you say maybe a little?

Jane: She's a gorgeous grieving widow. Of course maybe a little. [Lisbon stares at him with a look of pure horror] Don't worry, it's not gonna affect my work. I'm a law-enforcement professional. Jeez.

[Talking about Grace]

Rigsby: I sent out the vibes. I got nothing back, okay? So I'm leaving her alone.

Jane: Vibes. Really? Vibes?

Cho: That's where he stares at the back of her neck for several hours. Women love that.

Rigsby: Oh, shut up, Cho!

Patrick Jane: You gotta go get her, man. You gotta seduce her.

[Investigating the crime scene]

Jane: [talking about Jason Sands] He's still here.

Det. Carla Mulvey: Not unless he's invisible. He's not, Agent Jane.

Lisbon: He's not an agent. He's a consultant.

Jane: No badge. No gun. [Whispering] They don't even give me dental.

Det. Carla Mulvey: Oh, yeah. You're the one they were telling me about, the psychic. Sorry, Gandalf. In our own bumbling way, we did look around pretty good. He's not here.

[Jane sits to join interview of Jason Sands's mistress]

Adrianna Jonovich: Ah, the handsome one.

[Jane smiles and nods]

Adrianna Jonovich: Gay, yes?

Redwood [1.5] edit

Lisbon: Hey, can you believe he fell for that old cell-phone gag?

Patrick: Old cell-phone gag? I invented that right there and then. Rather brilliantly, I thought.

Lisbon: Oh, please. I've seen that done a dozen times.

Jane: What do you mean? Where?

Lisbon: On TV.

Jane: Oh, on TV. Well, anything can happen on TV. The question is, where have you seen that done in real life?

[Lisbon is on the phone with Jane and she has just realized that she's alone in a cabin with the killer]

Lisbon: Okay. Good. Listen, tell Rigsby, Teresa needs his help. [Jane gets her message and looks worried] Me? I'm at the Eagle Pine Lodge off Route 6.

Jane: Okay.

[Lisbon puts her phone in her pocket but doesn't hang up so Jane can still hear everything. She turns to face the killer and starts to reach for her weapon]

Lisbon: Kyle, let's stay calm and think this through.

Kyle: Think what through?

Lisbon: I really don't wanna shoot you, but I do have to take you into custody for killing Kara Palmer. What are we gonna do about that?

Lisbon: [Answering her phone] Where the hell are you?

Jane: Nicole remembered everything. She can describe the suspect. We're looking for a tall, well-built man with brown hair and glasses. Mid-thirties.

Lisbon: That's it? That describes half the men in California.

Jane: Yeah, that's it. But at least we know it wasn't her that killed Kara. And it wasn't Rulon Farnes.

Lisbon: Nice work. For this you illegally abducted her from the sheriff's custody?

Jane: Yeah, I was gonna tell you about it, but seeing that it's illegal, best to keep you out of it so you have deniability.

Lisbon: How considerate of you.

[Talking about a suspect]

Jane: Oh, let him go.

Lisbon: Let him go?

Cho: What for?

Rigsby: We had to fight to catch him.

Jane: Oh, you're such policemen. Yes, let him go.

Rulon Farnes: So I gotta pay for a little human contact now and then. Shoot me. It's not my fault I look like this.

Cho: It is actually. With a low-carb diet and exercise you could look very different.

[A girl has gone missing and Jane is addressing the people in the search party]

Jane: I want you to look at me, all of you. And listen closely. I'd like you to raise your hand above you heads like this. [He raises his hands and the others do the same] Both hands. You too, sheriff. And you, agent Lisbon. Please. [The sheriff and Lisbon both raise their hands, too] Good. Very good. One of you-- One of you here killed Kara Palmer and abducted Nicole Gilbert. I want that person to lower their right hand now. [Jane lowers his right hand but no one else does] Okay, okay. It usually gets a hit. Forget I even spoke.

Jane: Tell me, of the men on this search party, which one would you guess is a violent sexual predator?

Sheriff Nelson: What kind of question is--

Jane: [Interrupting] Who's name just popped into your head? Someone's did. There's always someone.

Sheriff Nelson: This is your method? Asking people to guess who done it? Strange kind of detective work you guys do.

Lisbon: Bad karma doesn't have an expiration date.

Jane: Uh, actually it does. According to traditional Buddhist teachings. I'm counting on it.

Lisbon: [To the local Sheriff] We don't help, we take over.

Red Handed [1.6] edit

Grace: I don't think it's right to bet on such things. That's a human being that just died!

Rigsby: No, it's okay. We're in Nevada. Here in California, yeah it'd be wrong. [Crosses over to Nevada side.] But here, Nevada. It's okay to gamble on body parts.

Jane: Let's go. I got us a table booked at the best restaurant in town. Apparently they tell you the name of the cow your steak came from.

Grace: That's horrible.

Jane: You guys are gonna be going over a punch of boring files now, I expect. So I think I'll work here, play a little, get the lay of the land. Give me a hundred bucks?

Lisbon: I don't think that's such a good idea.

Jane: Sure you do. I'll give it back to you double.

Lisbon: Look, here's a hundred, but you'll pay me back double, right?

Jane: Triple.

Matt Etienne: The Casino's on the Nevada side of the resort and offers full-service gaming. We recently spent ten million upgrading the facilities to improve the experience.

Jane: They use the same techniques in state-of-the-art animal husbandry to make cows and sheep feel more comfortable.

Matt Etienne: Really?

Jane: Dim lights, soft music, a maze of passages that lead you back to the pens, or in this case the slots.

Matt Etienne: Don't hold back. Speak your mind.

Jane: There's no clocks or windows anywhere, so there's no passage of time. Low priced alcohol is poured down you by attractive young women. Oxygen is pumped into the place to make you stay awake and the constant symphony of bells and sirens that make it seem like someone's winning all the time.

Matt Etienne: But someone is always winning. You see, our machines are carefully designed to let every gambler have a taste of victory. Just enough to keep them pumping their money into the machines and on to the table. So what's your point?

Jane: Oh, no point. I love it.

[A severed hand has been found on a road]

Rigsby: No. We're gonna be talking to the hand for a long while.

Jane: Why so glum? A case is a case.

Rigsby: We're in the middle of nowhere. Windy as all hell. I haven't eaten anything. Dismemberments are a bitch. Spend months assembling the victim, there's always a piece missing.

Jane: There's already plenty to work with right here.

Grace: It's a right hand with the number 43 on it.

Jane: [To Jessica Meier] Your father died protecting you. So in the end he-- he was there for you.

Daniel: That last hand. How did you do that?

Jane: Oh, I cheated.

Daniel: But how?

Jane: Next time we play, I'll show you.

[Daniel has confessed to killing his father-in-law]

Lisbon: Did your wife have anything to do with this?

Daniel: No. No. She had nothing to do with this. And the idiot never suspected it was me. How's that for denial? How did you know it was me?

Jane: Well, when we first met, you were more concerned about the college football scores than you were your father-in-law's murder.

Daniel: So?

Jane: So when you're searching for a killer, the degenerate gambler in the room is a good person to look at.

Daniel: I'm not degenerate. I'm a professional. I'm just having a streak of bad luck.

Lisbon: Yes, you are.

[Lisbon asked why he did not tell her about his hunch]

Jane: If I told you about every hunch, you would get very irritated.

Lisbon: [To Patrick] Your people are carnie folk, it's finally making sense to me.

Jane: [To Lisbon] Why do we get so hung up on every little law everyone breaks?

Seeing Red [1.7] edit

Jane: Okay. Got it. Uh, by her own admission, she's either, uh, a channel for the energy of the departed souls or she's involved in this murder. So you got a choice. You can call ghostbusters or we can take this lady downtown.

Rigsby: All I'm saying, you can't say there's no such thing as a psychic just because you've never met one.

Cho: You're right. I've never seen a zebra, doesn't mean they don't exist.

Rigsby: Never seen a zebra?

Cho: Nah.

Rigsby: Never been to a zoo?

Cho: Yeah I don't get zoos. You pay money to look at animals, why?

Lisbon: Play nice, Van Pelt's entitled to her opinion.

Jane: Not if it's wrong. This is like believing in the Easter Bunny.

Rigsby: Who said there's no Easter Bunny?

Jane: You're good.

Kristina: I like to think so.

Jane: Yes, you do.

Kristina: I think it's important to love one's self. How do you feel about yourself?

Jane: Oh, you tell me. And forget about the $500 an hour. I'm on civil service pay.

Kristina: Okay, for free then. I think you act assured and arrogant, but inside you are troubled with deep guilt and self-loathing. A recent trauma in your past perhaps? But you're more than a little unstable. [To Lisbon] You have your work cut out for you.

Jane: Calling? Is that what this is?

Kristina Frye: Yeah. Calling. Gift if you like, there's no doubt you have it. Why'd you give it up?

Jane: It was the suits. Chaffing. Horrible.

Jane: Nice cradling.

Travis: Play lacrosse?

Jane: No. Fast moving sticks scare me.

Kristina: I talked to your wife...[Patrick begins to stop her] ah, ah... [Kristina pauses] Ever since your wife and daughter were killed, there's a question about that night's events that's been tormenting you, yes? Yes?

Jane: Yes.

Kristina: Your wife wants me to tell you that your daughter never woke up. She didn't know what happened. She wasn't scared, not even for a second.

Jane: Are you done channelling? That's it?

Kristina: That's it.

[Jane looks away]

Jane: [Curtly] Thanks.

Kristina: Goodbye, Mr. Jane.

Grace: I don't like it.

Rigsby: Me neither. What's the alternative?

Grace: It's immoral.

Rigsby: I don't know about that. Say your brain gets cooked if you use 'em a lot. Make you infertile, too.

Grace: What are you talking about?

Rigsby: Microwaves. What are you talking about?

Grace: The séance this evening!

Rigsby: We were looking at the microwave!

Jane: And, can you have Rosemary appear at the reading of the will?

Kristina: She's a departed soul, not a wedding singer. You can't book her in advance.

Jane: Ah, yeah. I guess time doesn't mean much when you're dead forever.

Kristina: No schedule to keep.

Jane: What's the rush?

Kristina: Right.

Jane: Hum.

[Entering the psychic's home]

Jane: [Sniff, sniff] Uhm, I smell dead people.

Cho: They think you killed their mother.

Jeremy: Well, they don't know anything about me. I loved her.

Lisbon: Of course you did. That's why you gave Rosemary's necklace to your hot new girlfriend.

Jeremy: Well, it's no good to Rosemary, is it? So shoot me, I'm a pragmatist.

Lisbon: That's a good word.

Grace: [Talking about Kristina] Excuse me, but you might consider the possibility that she's actually honestly in touch with something beyond your understanding.

Jane: That would be golf and musical theatre of the 30s and 40s.

Jane: So you have done some research on me.

Kristina: I have now. Red John murdered your family. I'm very sorry for your loss. Is that why you gave up your calling?

Jane: Calling? Is that what this is?

Kristina: Yeah. Calling, gift, as you like. There's no doubt that you have it. Why did you give it up?

Jane: It's the suits. Chafing. Horrible.

Jane: If anyone needs arresting, it's Kristina Frye. She knew that Rosemary was in danger. She knew where to find the car, the murder weapon, which means that she either does have supernatural powers or she was involved in the crime.

Lisbon: Come on. She simply did what you do so well. With an air of confidence, she made an educated guess. Where else would you dump a car around here? She's a good guesser.

Jane: Well, I guess that's a possibility, too.

Lisbon: Yes, and that's what you object to, isn't it? Not that she's a con artist but that she's so good at it. Maybe even better than you.

Jane: Not at all. I... All right, yes. Not better than me, mind you, but she is good, and it's the good ones that are the most dangerous.

The Thin Red Line [1.8] edit

[Jane has stated that he can always tell when Lisbon is lying]

Jane: Where're we going?

Lisbon: To the zoo. They have new tiger cubs.

Jane: Oh. Liar.

Lisbon: Oh, very good.

Cho: Let's do this right. Go in too quickly, someone will get hurt.

Presiado: This is real police work, sonny, people get hurt. Go push some paper.

Van Pelt: But I don't make a fuss.

Jane: Oh, you don't, do you? Why is that?

Van Pelt: Sometimes you have to go along to get along.

Jane: Well, it's nice to be nice, but if you want to get ahead in life, sometimes you have to be a bitch. I know you know how.

Van Pelt: Gee, thanks.

Jane: It's all about the balance Grace, yin-yang, nice-bitch. A little bit of bitch inside the nice, a little bit of nice inside the bitch.

Van Pelt: Yeah, I'll work on that.

Jane: Keep 'em guessing.

Cho: She's confident about the time frame because they were having sex with the TV on. And it was the Scottish guy talking to that actress who married the country singer.

[Dale Blakely punches Jane in the face]

Lisbon: You okay?

Jane: Assault, assault!

Lisbon: I would rethink this new technique of yours.

Jane: [Holding his nose] Yeah. Yeah, I can't disagree.

Jane: It's funny what bad liars cops are. I guess they're not used to concealing themselves under questioning.

Lisbon: I'm a cop and I lie to you all the time, you never catch it.

Jane: I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but you're translucent, my dear. I always know when you're lying. Sometimes I let you think you've fooled me just so you don't feel bad.

Lisbon: Name one time.

Jane: Last thanksgiving you said you were going back East to your brother's house, but I knew you actually planned to have three days at home alone to watch old movies and eat ice cream.

Lisbon: Okay, so that's one time.

[Talking about Dale Blakely]

Jane: He's not gonna talk. Poor soul.

Lisbon: He made his bed. He can lie in it.

Jane: You know, I never understood that one. Just because someone makes their bed, why do they have to lie in it? What's to stop them from lying in another bed? Or on the floor for that matter.

Lisbon: When are you gonna learn to cool it without being told?

Jane: Oh, come on. They pissed you off, too, the sexist pigs.

Lisbon: They were.

Jane: I just said they were.

Lisbon: You were saying it ironically.

Presiado: [to Rigsby] Are you guys gonna help or are you gonna stand there and pick your nose?

Lisbon: Is this the only .38 in your possession?

[Jane grabs Presiado's wrist]

Presiado: Yes it is. [To Jane] And if you try to hold my hand again I'm gonna tear your arm off and beat you unconscious with it. Get me?

Jane: Got you.

Flame Red [1.9] edit

Jane: We've never discussed this because I thought it went without saying, but when I catch Red John, I'm gonna cut him open and watch him die slowly like he did with my wife and child. [Lisbon just stares at him quietly] If you have a problem with that, we should talk.

Lisbon: Then let's talk. Because when we catch Red John, we are gonna take him into custody and he's gonna be tried in a court of law.

Jane: Not if I'm still breathing.

Lisbon: If you try and do violence to him, I will try and stop you. If you succeed in doing violence to him, I will arrest you.

Jane: I understand.

Lisbon: I hope so.

Jane: Well, I'm glad we talked. I had no idea you were so bourgeois and conventional on the issue.

[Talking about releasing Ben Machado from custody]

Jane: If he's here, how is the killer gonna get to him?

Lisbon: He could be the killer. Even if he's not, we don't want the killer to get him.

Jane: Yes, we do. Machado is our bait. He's our tethered goat.

Lisbon: And too bad if the bait gets killed?

Jane: Well, yes. That's why you use goats and not babies or virgins for that matter.

Lisbon: Machado's not a goat.

Jane: You're right, he's not actually a goat. He's goatish. He deserves to suffer.

Lisbon: Nobody deserves murder.

Jane: Machado helped burn Dave Martin alive out of greed.

Lisbon: Jane, we're officers of the law.

Jane: You are. I don't care about the law. I care about justice, and justice says Machado deserves to suffer.

Lisbon: That's not justice, it's vengeance.

Jane: What's the difference?

[Jane barely gets out of a burning barn]

Jane: That was close. Where were you guys?

Rigsby: We called in to check out a lead.

Cho: Yeah, Lisbon didn't know you were about to pull an idiotic stunt, sorry.

Jane: No hard feelings.

Lisbon: Seems like this whole thing has changed your mind about vengeance.

Jane: Has it?

Lisbon: "Revenge is for fools and madmen"?

Jane: Yeah, that was rather good, I thought. Total nonsense, but quite good nonetheless.

Lisbon: Where do you get off giving orders in the first place? I say who goes and who stays, not you.

Jane: Well, that's, uh, fiery but calm. Very good. Why don't you try it with a more forceful hand gesture, like... [he demonstrates...] I say who goes and who stays, not you.

Lisbon: I'm serious.

Tommy: I was at the hospital, 'cause my appendix busted. You want to see my scar?

Lisbon: No. No, but I'm sure Mr. Jane would love to.

Maddy: What are you, a moron? My dad just died.

Jane: Yes. My condolences. It happens. You'll learn to live with it. Not for, uh, a while, but in the end, you will.

Maddy: Who are you?

Jane: My name's Patrick Jane. I'm the man that will find out who it was that killed your father and have him or her or them put in a prison cell if you'll talk to me.

Jane: Now I have access to all your innermost thoughts.

Lisbon: Yeah, right.

Jane: I'm serious.

Lisbon: Okay. So what am I thinking right now?

Jane: You're thinking, I'm so glad Jane is joking around and he can't actually read my mind.

Lisbon: No. Well, actually, yes, but not for the reason you think.

Jane: What reason do I think?

Lisbon: Never you mind.

Rigsby: You're blushing.

Jane: You are blushing.

Ben: Someone's framing me.

Cho: Somebody framed you for shooting at us, Mr. Machado? Because from where I stood, sure looked like it.

Ben: That was a misunderstanding. I didn't know who you guys were. I was defending myself.

Cho: Really? From whom?

Ben: From someone trying to kill me. Just like they killed Rich and tried to kill Trey.

Cho: And why would you be next on someone's "To Burn"-list?

Cho: Hey, do you wanna go to work or do you wanna play nurse with King Tut?

Grace: Work. Definitely work.

Trey: Ben's our go-to guy in Marquesa.

Ben: He just means I'm the only real estate agent around here who takes his commission in fertilizer and chickens.

Ben: I didn't know you guys were cops.

Cho: You thought we were selling magazine subscriptions?

Maddy's mom: That's Tommy. He's...challenged!

Maddy: (listening in) Challenged? He's retarded Mom! (starts getting upset) Why can't you tell the truth about anything? Why is everything always a lie?!

Maddy: (after they give her Tommy's message) He's sorry? He's sorry! You tell him from me that if he ever gets out of prison I'm gonna set him on fire and see how he likes it!

Maddy's Mon: Maddy...

Maddy: I am!

Maddy's Mom: Maddy, your father...

Maddy: (interrupting) Don't you talk about him! You have no right! (slowly enunciating every word) No Right!

Maddy: I don't care!

Patrick: Yes you do. I think you care very much!

Red Brick and Ivy [1.10] edit

[Talking about Sophie Miller]

Lisbon: What if we take this case and it turns out she's guilty?

Jane: She didn't do it.

Lisbon: How do you know?

Jane: Because she told me she didn't. She wouldn't lie to me.

Lisbon: Why not?

Jane: Because she wouldn't.

Lisbon: Suppose she did.

Jane: Well, if shes is guilty, then we need to catch her and punish her, but she's not.

Lisbon: Jane, I know I said I wouldn't ask, but I'm asking. Who is this woman? What's the connection?

Jane: You don't wanna know.

Jane: Yeah, I went through a rough patch. Did a little time in a hospital. Sophie helped me through that time.

Lisbon: It's not on your record.

Jane: No. Believe me, I...it's not easy to do. I know there's nothing shameful about having a breakdown, but I gotta confess, I am ashamed of it.

Lisbon: Thank you for being so honest with me.

Jane: Sorry I kept it from you.

Lisbon: Seriously, I've stuck my stupid neck out for you for the umpteenth time. I think I deserve the truth. Why is Sophie Miller so important to you?

Jane: She was my doctor.

Lisbon: She's a psychiatrist.

Jane: Yes. She was my psychiatrist.

Lisbon: But you hate psychiatrists. So you always say.

Jane: She was a good psychiatrist.

Lisbon: She must have been, if she managed to keep you in the room.

Jane: It was a locked room.

Lisbon: [pauses] Oh.

Jane: You don't like the way I drive, you despise it.

Lisbon: You drive way too fast.

Jane: I drive just fast enough. You hate not being the one in control and yet you're willing to overcome your irrational fears to cheer me up. That's a beautiful thing, Lisbon. Thank you, I'd love to drive.

Lisbon: Never mind.

Lisbon: Aw. Jane kissed a girl.

Jane: What? Yeah on the cheek.

Lisbon: Still counts.

Jane: Counts as what?

Lisbon: Nothing. Just saying.

Lisbon: We have agents at your house right now with a search warrant.

Chancellor Stern: Inadmissible.

Lisbon: Yes. I'd hate to be a State's Attorney. Jane's always pulling crap like this on them but they always win.

Jane: Let's keep it casual to start with Sophie. Let her relax. If she gets her guard up, we'll get nothing from her.

Lisbon: You're very combative all of a sudden.

Jane: Yeah, if she is guilty, she lied to me and I believed it. She fooled me.

Lisbon: The ultimate sin.

Jane: Yes it is.

Jane: The widow's not a true blonde. She's naturally dark.

Lisbon: And what?

Jane: And her hair's colored and styled to look like Sophie, only younger. She was a brunette when I knew her.

Lisbon: So Nelson was a control freak like you said.

Jane: A control freak with a serious thing for getting his women to dye their hair blonde.

Lisbon: Kerry Sheenan has roots.

Jane: Yes, she does.

Lisbon: Sheenan and Alex Nelson were having an affair.

Jane: Bravo!

Lisbon: That's funny. "Don't listen to control freaks." "Whatever you say, sir."

Cho: How did you kill Nelson?

Howie: Poison.

Cho: What kind of poison did you use?

Howie: Wouldn't you like to know.

Cho: I do know, I'm wondering if you do.

Howie: Do you realize that the real rulers of this planet are insects?

Grace: [talking about Howie] He's crazy.

Rigsby: Yeah, crazy don't make him innocent. Crazy is what makes people kill other people.

Stutzer: You are skeptical. Nevertheless, it's true we are plumbing the depths of the human soul. Do you know what's down there? Do you know what your soul is made of?

Jane: Frogs and snails and puppy dogs' tails?

Stutzer: Ah. Humor. Good.

Jane: Hey, thanks for not telling I made you take the case. Lisbon? Hello?

Lisbon: Tell me the truth.

Jane: Truth. Darth Vader? Luke's father.

Red John's Friends [1.11] edit

Minelli: Please do not dig the hole that you are standing in any deeper than you have already dug it.

Lisbon: No, sir.

Minelli: That hole is the grave of your very promising career.

Lisbon: You should put a flashlight underneath your chin just to complete the effect.

Minelli: I'm not kidding.

Lisbon: I know.

Jane: Eighteen years of secret anger. How did you stand it?

Muriel Renfrew: Nobody's life is perfect.

Minelli: I'm giving you all formal notice. Any further infractions will result in immediate suspension.

Lisbon: Sir, you might as well suspend me now because there will be further infractions.

Minelli: I gave this unit a direct written order and they have flagrantly disobeyed that order. Did they do that with your knowledge?

Lisbon: I ordered them to do it. I told them you countermanded your earlier order. They had no knowledge whatsoever that they were doing anything irregular.

Minelli: Nice try, Mother Teresa. But they already gave themselves up.

Rigsby: We never said a word-

Grace: Why do people say "Eureka!" when they do something good?

Cho: It's Greek for bingo.

Grace: Well, Eureka.

Minelli: Gardner Renfrew is a player in this town. You can't go to his house and screw around with him.

Jane: Why not? It's a free country.

Muriel Renfrew: [to Jane] Poor George dropped dead after the murder. Broke his heart, people said. George didn't really have a heart, in that sense. He died of embarrassment. A Renfrew in the pokey for murder. Quelle horreur.

Lisbon: Minelli wants me to keep a watch on you.

Jane: What are you going to do?

Lisbon: I'm not going to follow you around. Let's compromise. When you get into trouble, call me first so I can try and minimize the damage.

Lisbon: [to Jane] Just do me the favor of listening to me for a minute, so I can say "I told you so" later.

Jane: The law's the law. My desire for revenge doesn't outweigh the rules. I have to accept that.

Minelli: I'm glad you understand.

Jane: Thanks for your time.

[Jane exits]

Minelli: He's lying through his teeth, isn't he?

Lisbon: Yes.

Jared Renfrew: [to Jane] Your wife...Red John painted her toenails. Yes. Painted them with her own blood...the police didn't make that public, did they? She's the only instance he did that, huh? A touch of elegance for you alone.

Jared Renfrew: Red John is the friend of a friend of mine.

Jane: What is this friend's name?

Jared Renfrew: His name is get me out of here and I'll tell you that and much more. I'll sing like a bird.

Red Rum [1.12] edit

Cho: Man, I thought you were going to have her cast a spell, find the murder weapon.

Jane: Oh, spell's already cast.

Cho: When did she cast it?

Jane: She didn't. I did.

Cho: You can cast spells?

Jane: Cho, there's no such thing as spells.

Cho: I know that.

Jane: Witches have the power of telekinesis. She says that she has a spell, which will raise the weapon from wherever it's been concealed, and reveal itself to us.

Michael: And you believe this evil crap?

Jane: Well, you never can tell. We're going to give it a whirl.

Jane: Tamzin, the goddess may give you solace and hope and meaning in your life. But she can't protect you from those policemen out there.

Grace: Witchcraft creeps me out.

Rigsby: It doesn't bother me. Nerds in cloaks.

Grace: There's more to it than that.

Rigsby: It's just a silly alternative lifestyle, like Star Trek or yoga.

Grace: I do yoga.

Jane: They should wait 10 minutes, then go in.

Lisbon: Why wait?

Jane: Let the plot develop, let the fruit ripen, let the yeast rise, etcetera.

Michael: You don't speak to my son, without my permission.

Jane: Oh, well that's a little weird and controlling, but okay. Do you mind if I speak to your son, Mr. Elkins?

Jane: Must be tough being Cody Elkins' little brother.

Brad: No. Well, yeah, sometimes.

Jane: Me? I'd hate it. He gets all the attention, the glory, the girls flocking around, for what? For running and jumping and catching a thing?

Brad: Yeah, monkeys could do that.

Jane: Yeah.

Brad: Monkeys could do it better.

Jane: You know, if monkeys played football, they would kick some serious jock butt.

Brad: Go away.

Jane: I can't. I wish I could. It's my job to hound people until I get the truth.

Jane: Relax. No such thing as witches.

Cho: [to himself] Yeah, it's easy for you to say. Weird witch-lady didn't burn you an effigy and bind you to her power.

Cho: Why did you give her my name? She said I was going to kneel before the Lord of Beasts. What does that even mean?

Jane: Oh, come on, you're not telling me you believe she's an actual witch?

Cho: No, of course not. But, I mean if dark forces did exist, stands to reason that there could be people who control them for their own ends.

Jane: They're called investment bankers.

Lisbon: [to Tamzin] Unfortunately it seems that one of your friends helped your magic along with a blunt instrument. In which case, you're as unmagically guilty as they are.

Coach Dieter: I chose to resign.

Rigsby: With a promise to take anger management class.

Coach Dieter: Forty-six hours worth. Bored the rage right out of me.

Rigsby: [holding a bag of carrots] What is this?

Grace: That is healthy and nutritious snacking.

Rigsby: I'm gonna die.

Grace: Well, I'm tired of the car smelling like fast food!

Rigsby: Seriously. I'm allergic to carrots! I just...(pretends to go into anephalactic shock)

Grace: Rigsby? Rigsby? Rig...Hey isn't that Cody's little brother?

Rigsby: (forgets his lie about being allergic to carrots and shoves a couple in his mouth)

Jane: [while talking to Cody's parents] I have a question. It's always bothered me. Why do they call it football? People don't really use their feet much, do they?

Cho: Look, a goat. Goats are signs of Satan.

Lisbon: So petting zoos are, like, gateways to hell?

Cho: Pretty much.

Tamzin Dove: If a friend of mine had done this, they wouldn't have pointed the police right to me with a pentacle and flame. No, Cody's murder was staged to look like wicca. Any fool in this town would think of it. It's obvious misdirection. There's a witch in town. Duh.

Jane: A witch that put a killing spell on the boy in question.

Tamzin Dove: Exactly. It's perfect.

Mrs. Elkins: How can you be so cold?

Jane: Practice.

Lisbon: [To Grace on the phone] Things are getting weird, we're off to see a witch.

Paint it Red [1.13] edit

Jane: Hmm. That's interesting. Let's van Pelt and I go up and take a look-see.

Lisbon: You and van Pelt?

Jane: Well, she's from a small farming town, aren't you?

van Pelt: Yes, I am.

Jane: Right. Well that's what you guys call, uhh, cover.

Lisbon: What do you need cover for? You're a CBI operative.

Jane: Oh, I thought I was a "consultant"?

Lisbon: Just follow procedure. Have fun!

Jane: Where is the fun in that? Shall we?

Jane: Horrible job you found for yourself, Kathryn. Helping a greedy egotist snatch up beautiful things he has no ability to appreciate.

Jane: [to Arlov] Most successful criminal bosses show a similar profile. Sadistic, violent, but also highly methodical, they're psychologically astute.

Arlov: Are you mad?

Jane: No, just kidding. It's just a prop to get me into the room. I am aware that you have the real painting.

Arlov: Really? You are aware, and how are you aware of this?

Jane: I guessed. Confirmed by the predatory smile on your face when you asked me about it just then. You enjoy trapping people in nets of their own making, don't you?

Jane: Is that an M-16 or a Kalashnikov?

AP: [to Kathryn] Son of a bitch. There's a machine gun in my painting. How in the hell could you not notice that?

AP: [talking about the painting] $50,000,000, right there.

Jane: It's about $10,000 right there. It's a fake.

AP: The hell it is.

Jane: Fake as a $6 bill.

Jane: [talking about the painting] May I borrow it for a while?

Rob: I don't know about that. How do I know I'm going to get it back?

Jane: Let me put it another way. Lend it to me, or Agent Van Pelt here will take you and the painting back to Sacramento and keep you there and ask you mind-numbing questions for hours on end.

Lisbon: [talking about Harry] What was his previous employment?

Jane: He was a musician. Jazz guitarist.

Stevie: Yes. How did you know that?

Jane: I looked at his fingers. Guitarist fingers. Jazz with a flamenco edge, judging by the ridge on his thumb.

Frank: [about Jane] Who is this guy?

Lisbon: He's a pain in the ass, but he's making sense.

Jane: If we're lucky, we'll find a murder weapon. It was obviously a well-planned robbery.

Cho: Why is that obvious?

Jane: Nobody finds themselves in a locked room full of old masters in the middle of the night by accident, do they? So, well-planned.

Rigsby: You better call Lisbon, give her an update.

Jane: You call her.

Rigsby: I can't. I'm driving. Cho?

Cho: No way.

Jane: Oh, come on, guys. I just robbed a Russian mobster. You can't call Lisbon?

Lisbon: Where's everyone?

Grace: Weird. They all called in to sign out. Jane wasn't feeling well, Rigsby's got a hot date, and Cho got Kings tickets.

Lisbon: Son of a...

Grace: What?

Lisbon: Jane doesn't get sick, Rigsby's not on a date because he's in love with you, and the Kings aren't playing tonight.

Grace: You know about that?

Lisbon: Yeah, they're on an East Coast road trip. They're playing the Knicks tomorrow night.

Grace: No, I mean about Rigsby. How do you know about that?

Lisbon: Everybody knows about that. The attorney general knows that.

Lisbon: Just follow procedure. Have fun!

Jane: Where is the fun in that?

Jane: You and Miss Duane came up here to have sex in the boss's office.

Frank: That is absurd. Why would I do such a stupid thing?

Jane: Because it's forbidden and thus very sexy, of course, especially if you have father issues. And who doesn't? It's furtive but powerful challenge to the paternal authority.

Crimson Casanova [1.14] edit

Lisbon: What's your normal procedure?

Fricke: After lovemaking? Depends on the type of woman.

Lisbon: So you've got it down to a science?

Fricke: I'm good at what I do.

Lisbon: Okay, Mr. Fricke, and what is it that you do?

Fricke: I'm a pickup artist. A woman whisperer, if you will.

Lisbon: A pickup artist? That's your profession?

Fricke: You sound like my mom. Um, it's more of a total lifestyle kind of thing, you know. I practice my art, of course. That's my passion. But I teach and I blog, also. Conduct seminars, workshops, that sort of thing.

[Lisbon nudges Jane, who is lying on the CBI couch, hard]

Jane: What?

Lisbon: You know damn well what. You assaulted a man.

Jane: I just tweaked him on the nose.

Lisbon: Technically, that's assault.

Jane: Technically, he's an ass. He deserved it.

Jane: [observing Cho] Kid's a natural. Look at him. The Cho. No business like Cho business.

Jane: Can't sleep alone, huh?

Fricke: Some people use cocoa and a good book. I use beautiful women.

Cho: When did you first meet Paul Fricke?

Woman: At a wine tasting event a friend was throwing.

Cho: And how long were you and he romantically involved?

Woman: Um, three, maybe four hours.

Grace: [about Mr. Wolcutt] He's also the type that would hire other people to do his dirty work.

Cho: Yes, he is. Hitmen aren't cheap and they don't take credit cards.

Cho: You didn't steal jewelery from her?

Natalie: Please. She dresses like a Mormon call girl. I wouldn't wear her jewelery if you paid me.

Jane: There's something on this side of the room you don't want us to find. What is that?

Natalie: Nothing. There's nothing.

Jane: Look me in the eye and say that.

Natalie: Whatever. Search all you want.

Jane: Nah. Too much stuff. Not very tidy. Good in bed, I expect, yeah? Messy women make good lovers.

Grace: What was she thinking? She was so beautiful and he's so creepy.

Rigsby: Yeah, Dr. Rubenstein was hot, too. How does he do it?

Jane: All you need is a basic understanding of the evolutionary psychology of women. Rigorously and fearlessly applied. You get to know what buttons to press.

Lisbon: Like we're toasters?

Grace: Like men don't have buttons, too?

Jane: Men are like toasters. Women...little more like accordions.

Grace: I say we bring him in anyway for creepiness.

Lisbon: Which should be a criminal offense but it isn't.

Lisbon: Do you keep a list of your pick-ups?

Fricke: Yeah, of course. I have it here. Names, numbers and a one to 10 grading system.

Lisbon: Nice. Something to show your grandkids.

Lisbon: Jill Rubenstein, what's your connection with her?

Fricke: The doctor lady? I met her in the parking lot and asked her for help.

Lisbon: A complete stranger takes you to her room, treats your wound and then has sexual intercourse with you?

Fricke: What can I say? The Hippocratic oath is a beautiful thing.

Mr. Wolcutt: I can make one phone call and your career is toast.

Cho: [decidedly unimpressed] That's impressive. The best I can get with one call is a pizza.

Jane: [He looks Fricke straight in the eyes] Do you know who killed Claire?

Fricke: [Emphatically] No.

Jane: Interesting. He is either a habitual liar telling the truth, or he's an honest man lying.

Scarlett Fever [1.15] edit

Victor: I wanna thank you and your team. Although, I must admit that whole scene in front of the house--

Oscar: It was make-believe, dad.

Victor: Sorry. The make-believe was a bit unorthodox and unpleasant, but I'm sure you all know what you're doing.

Lisbon: Most of the time.

Jane: I do hate when people say thank you.

Rigsby: Why?

Lisbon: He likes to play the Lone Ranger. Who was that masked man? I never got the chance to thank him.

Jane: Exactly.

Rigsby: You think about older women?

Cho: Where's this coming from? I don't think about older women. My mother's an older woman.

Rigsby: Not old, old. Just older, you know, older than you.

Cho: Why are you asking? You're not trying to set me up with somebody, are you?

[Rigsby is looking at a lipstick which is part of the evidence]

Cho: If you're thinking of trying that on, don't. Not your shade.

Rigsby: Poison and a message in lipstick says this murder was done by a woman. Women have no secrets from other women.

Jane: Well, unless it was a cunning man posing as a woman.

Rigsby: What you think?

Jane: No.

Cho: Judge's clerk says we won't get a search warrant for Scarlett's safe until tomorrow morning, then we'll go in and tear the place apart. [Rigsby gives him a look to remind him that Asra is present] Oh, sorry.

Rigsby: You didn't hear that, it's confidential.

Mandy: Confidential? Oh, of course.

Rigsby: Now seriously, don't tell anyone. Okay?

Mandy: I understand. May I leave now?

Rigsby: Yeah, 'course.

[Asra leaves]

Rigsby: [walks over to Cho] Not bad. Delivery's a little wooden.

Cho: Wooden? Me? Yeah, and you're Marlon Brando.

[After receiving paninis from a suspect]

Cho: What's in the sandwiches?

Rigsby: It's a panini, if you don't mind. It's, er, ham and cheese.

Cho: [as Rigsby takes a bite] And who knows what else?

Grace: Boss?

Lisbon: Hmm?

Grace: I've been here nearly six months now, half a year.

Lisbon: What do you want? Half a cake?

Grace: I want to take the lead on this interview.

Lisbon: [she pauses] Okay.

Grace: Okay?

Lisbon: Yeah, sure.

Grace: Thanks, boss.

Bloodshot [1.16] edit

Jane: This blind thing really works. Without my vision, I can tune into my other senses much more clearly.

Lisbon: That's great. Let me go make you a superhero costume. What do you want to be called?

[Jane puts his hand on her shoulder, and feels up the side of her neck]

Lisbon: What are you doing?

Jane: I wanna know what your face feels like when you’re smiling.

Jane: I’m still convinced there’s a connection between Medina and me, so before you make me that superhero costume I’m looking forward to, could you take me to visit with his widow?

Lisbon: Maybe.

Jane: Thank you. And incidentally, you’re smelling particularly good today. [Lisbon rolls her eyes and walks away] Is that cinnamon in the mix there somewhere? Lisbon? [He reaches out to see if she’s still there]

Jane: But first, could someone please make me a cup of tea?

[Lisbon, Cho and Van Pelt all get up and walk away]

Jane: Is that a yes? [Sniffs a few times] Rigsby.

Dan Hollenbeck: I didn't know you were from Iowa. Famous potatoes, right?

Grace: That's Idaho you ignorant jerk.

Dan Hollenbeck: Oh, yeah? What's Iowa famous for?

Jane: Gullible women.

Grace: That's not fair.

[Talking about Jane]

Lisbon: He needs to go to a hospital. He has to go if you order him to.

Minelli: I could, but someone did try to kill him, remember? We can protect him better here. At less expense.

Jane: Thanks, Virgil.

Minelli: Okay. But this is a favor. If you die in this department, I'm responsible. I do all the paperwork. In fact if he does die for whatever reason, move him to a public area, would you? I'd be very grateful.

Jane: I hope he's smiling.

Jane: Holding something of James' would help me pick up a feel for him. Get a sense of his being.

Mrs. Medina: Okay. Excuse me. [She leaves the room]

Jane: Thank you.

Lisbon: "Sense of his being"? What are you playing at?

Jane: Just go with it. I have to practice this touchy-feely stuff. It's been a while.

Lisbon: You're not gonna be blind forever.

Jane: No, right. Because bad stuff like this doesn't happen nearly as often as people think it does.

[Lisbon and Rigsby are looking for a suspect at a nightclub]

Club Doorman: You, little miss fierce, can come in. Lose the backup dancer. He's too, too butch.

[Lisbon shows him her badge]

Lisbon: Get lost, fluffy.

Lisbon: How long will his vision be affected?

Dr. Fuller: It's hard to say, really. The body's healing powers are unpredictable. But 48 to 72 hours is the norm. We must wait and see, so to speak.

Jane: Ha, humor. Great. Everybody loves a witty doctor in times of trouble.

Minelli: Another bomb threat. Third this year.

Jane: Not on my phone it isn't.

Minelli: Well, granted they don't usually come through the CBI, but that's what the drills are for.

Jane: The text read, "Are you smart enough to find it?" I think this was directed at me.

Lisbon: Of course you think this is about you.

[Talking about Grace]

Rigsby: Who kissed her?

Jane: Didn't catch his name.

Rigsby: It's probably that knucklehead from payroll. He's been stalking her like a chicken. What did this man look like?

[Jane get a text on his phone and he leaves in a hurry]

Cho: How do you stalk a chicken?

Rigsby: You know what I'm talking about.

Grace: Hey. Aren't you supposed to be in the hospital?

Jane: No.

Grace: Yes, you are.

Jane: They've had enough of me. Officer Powell here was kind enough to give me a ride back.

Grace: Well. Thank you...I guess.

Rigsby: Jane, I need to ask you a favor. I need you to, uh...I need you to find out from Van Pelt about this guy she's dating. You know, what's the score?

Jane: The score?

Rigsby: Is it serious? Are they, uh, you know?

Jane: Ask her yourself.

Rigsby: Yeah, right. No. Come on. You know the situation. It's against the rules, relationships between coworkers.

Jane: What are you, a man or a mouse?

Rigsby: A man, obviously.

Jane: Could've fooled me.

Rigsby: If it's that guy from payroll, I will kill him.

Jane: Well, that would be a strong, romantic statement. Women like a man that would kill for them. Hey, Van Pelt!

Rigsby: Don't!

Jane: Grace, personal question. Rigsby and I were wondering, uh...who is this man you were kissing by the coffee cart?

Grace: That's...that's none of your business.

Jane: Not from payroll?

Grace: Payroll? No, he doesn't even work here. It's none of your business.

Jane: Well, thank heavens for that, at least. No killing needed.

Rigsby: Don't be so sure.

Jane: You'll see. Honesty's best.

Rigsby: Yeah, honestly, I'd like to kick your butt right now.

Lisbon: What the hell?

Jane: Oh, doctor's orders. She said it was the best thing for me to do, get back to work.

Lisbon: She did not. She said you insulted the entire ward and were a complete pain in the ass.

Jane: Nah. So?

Lisbon: So, you can't do that.

Jane: What was I supposed to do, just sit there and listen to television? Besides, the food was terrible.

Lisbon: You need the rest.

Jane: I need to work.

Lisbon: You're blind.

Jane: It's no problem, honestly. My other senses are heightened. They're super heightened. I'm like Daredevil. Now, if you'll excuse me.

Lisbon: Okay.

[Jane walks off and almost hits a column]

Jane: Ah, heightened.

Jane: Oh, please don't look at each other like that.

Lisbon: Like what? You can't see.

Jane: I can feel. I can feel your pity.

[Lisbon pinches Jane]

Jane: Ow !

Lisbon: I'll do worse if you don't stop mouthing off to people who are trying to help you.

Jane: You pinched me.

[Cho enters]

Cho: How is he?

Lisbon: Guess what, he's a bad patient.

Cho: Who would've thought.

Jane: I'm not a bad patient. She's a bad visitor.

Carnelian, Inc. [1.17] edit

Jane: You're very confident of his innocence. How can you be so sure?

Jessie Skelling: Because I asked him if he did it and he said no, he didn't do it.

Jane: You suspected he might indeed have done it. But he denied it. You believe him.

Jessie Skelling: Lee don't lie to me. He'll cause me trouble a hundred which ways, but he don't lie to me.

Jane: Wives often say that about their husbands. Easy to fool yourself that the people you love are honest.

Lisbon: I know. I can read your mind.

Jane: Oh, you can?

Lisbon: You're thinking Mr. Skelling is innocent and we should release him. [Calls out to Cho] Cho.

Jane: That's amazing. That's exactly what I was thinking. How do you do that? Let me try. You're thinking, Jane is right, the man is innocent, we should let him go.

Lisbon: No. I think you want him to be innocent because his guilt would be too simple. He has a motive, opportunity and no alibi.

Jane: Yeah.

Lisbon: Any word on Skelling?

Rigsby: Couple potential sightings in the Mount Whitney area. Locals and park services are all over it. We'll get him

Jane: I doubt it. Skelling's in his element up there. His survivalist fantasy come true. He's gone aground like a grizzly bear.

Lisbon: There is an explosive device of some kind under your bed.

Mr. Faulk: Oh my god. [He starts to get up from his bed]

Lisbon: Wait.

Mr. Faulk: Wait?

Lisbon: Just let me get a better look. [Looks under the bed] No, I don't think there's a pressure trigger. You can get up now.

Mr. Faulk: You don't think?

Lisbon: I'm sure it doesn't. Timer's set to go off in 10 minutes, so we have plenty of time. If you'll just get out of the bed slowly. We don't wanna jar the device in anyway.

Jane: Boom!

[Both Lisbon and Faulk look at him startled]

Lisbon: For God's sakes!

Jane: Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Mr. Faulk: You have no legal proof whatsoever.

Jane: Meh. Legal proof will be found, no doubt, but personally I don't need it. I just like to know that I'm right.

[It's dark outside, Jane is driving and Lisbon is sitting next to him with her eyes closed]

Jane: Talk to me.

Lisbon: Do I have to?

Jane: No, I can just fall asleep and we can drift into oncoming traffic. Your call.

Lisbon: [She opens her eyes and sighs] Have you seen any good movies lately?

Jane: No. You?

Lisbon: No.

Jane: Interesting.

Lisbon: You threw a cat, all right. What valuable insight did you glean as a result?

Jane: Nothing. It's a little disappointing.

Lisbon: Well, maybe, just maybe, this case is exactly what it looks like. Bitter unsubs with a grudge against the fat cats.

Jane: Nice drive though.

Lisbon: Nice three hour drive.

Jane: We should talk to the Carnelian executives again. Throw a cat among the pigeons.

Lisbon: You think? Why?

Jane: What if this is not what it looks like it's about. What if it's something else entirely.

Lisbon: Like?

Jane: I don't know.

Lisbon: So you're suggesting we throw a blind cat among the pigeons?

Jane: Yeah.

Lisbon: No.

[Jane laughs and leaves her office]

Jessie Skelling: I can't even look at you people, you make me so mad. Lee's done nothing. Nothing.

Jane: Jessie, if your husband is innocent then we're your best friends. We'll prove he's innocent. Will you help us?

Lisbon: Jessie Skelling?

Jessie Skelling: No, I'm Cindy Crawford. Jessie's on vacation in Mexico.

Mr. Faulk: David would want us to continue.

Mr. Breamer: Yes, he would. Yes, he would. David would never back down.

Jane: David wouldn't want you to respectfully acknowledge his tragic and untimely death? Oh, well, okay. He wouldn't want it to interfere with your kayaking schedule.

Jane: Wait. I think we should wait.

Lisbon: What for? What could possibly happen?

Jane: I have no idea, but it's a pleasant spot, and I have sandwiches.

Jane: Where is it?

Lisbon: Mojave Desert. Middle of nowhere. Quarter of a mile from the highway.

Jane: Interesting.

Lisbon: Boring. Three hours away.

Jane: Desert's beautiful this time of year. Let's all go. We can bring a picnic lunch.

Lisbon: Someone has to stay and answer the phones.

[Grace sits down at her desk, disappointed as everyone else leaves the room]

[A guy is walking around the CBI office with a paper in his hand]

Cho: He's from the A.G's office. We're catching a hot one.

Jane: Hooray. I was about to go mad with boredom.

Grace: Don't say hooray. Someone's died.

Jane: Well, if they have, my happiness makes no difference to them.

Grace: Nor does catching their killer for that matter.

Jane: True, but it makes a difference to the killer.

[In the Mojave Desert]

Jane: Look what I found.

Lisbon: What is it?

Jane: It's a worm, fossilized worm.

Lisbon: I'm happy for you.

Cho: Alright, this is it. This is the spot.

Rigsby: 11:04 and change. Right on time.

Lisbon: For what?

Cho: There's still 15 seconds to go.

Jane: You know, when this worm was alive, this whole desert was the floor of a great sea. There were dinosaurs swimming above us.

Rigsby: That is kind of awesome.

Jane: Yeah.

[Jane throws the worm to Cho]

Jane: Sharks the size of buses, brilliantly colored sea monsters. Those mountains, they would have been volcanoes.

[Cho examines the worm]

Cho: This is a goat turd about six months old.

Jane: Really, you don't trust me?

Lisbon: Of course not. How many times have you lied to me, misled me, tricked me? Is that trust? No.

Jane: Well, we have to remedy this. Let's do a trust fall.

Lisbon: A trust fall?

Jane: Yeah. I'm sure you did one on your CBI retreat. It's when you turn around and fall backward, and I catch you.

Lisbon: Oh, yes, we did do that.

Jane: Mm-hmmm.

Lisbon: No.

Jane: You won't?

Lisbon: We have a long drive still.

Jane: Ah. Here we have two co-workers recognizing the boundaries of their professional relationship. See, you want to trust me, but there's something holding you back.

Lisbon: Yes. You're untrustworthy. It's my job not to trust you.

Jane: Lisbon, I want you to know that you can trust me. No matter what happens, I will be there for you. I will. I need you to know that.

Lisbon: What's in the bag?

Jane: Oh. A picnic lunch.

Lisbon: What's in the bag?

Jane: A bomb.

Lisbon: Ha ha ha. What's in the bag? Seriously.

Jane: Seriously. A bomb.

Russet Potatoes [1.18] edit

Rigsby: He's lying.

Jane: Is he?

Rigsby: Given that the girl he dragged in is not actually a bag of spuds like he says, then yeah.

Jane: It's not lying if he believes it.

Rigsby: True.

Cho: Yeah, you took down a 100-pound woman. Put in that context, you did good.

Rigsby: What do you mean, in that context?

Lisbon: In the context of someone letting himself get hypnotized, nearly throwing his colleague off a building and then finally being able to overpower a small, crazy woman to retrieve the situation, you did good.

Lisbon: We better go pick up Daniel.

Jane: If we walk, you can burn some case-closed pizza calories.

Lisbon: Ha, ha. Cute.

Rigsby: Oh, I've been hypnotized, have I? You gonna make me do embarrassing things? Pretend I'm Tina Turner or something?

Jane: You wanna be like Tina Turner?

Lisbon: Carl is still our prime suspect in this. We can't use him a bait.

Jane: Well, as long as we don't lose him or break him, then what's the problem?

Lisbon: This case is closed. You're just seeing suggestion everywhere, Jane. You're too suggestible.

Jane: Hmm.

Lisbon: Oh, right. Too much of a control freak for that?

Rigsby: Pot, meet kettle. Kettle, pot. [Lisbon gives him a look]

[Jane is trying to convince everyone else that Rigsby is hypnotized]

Jane: Deeply hypnotized subjects are very suggestible and have very little inhibition. Rigsby, do me a favor. Close your eyes. Please. [Rigsby closes his eyes] Now, relax. Don't tell me, but think about it. Think about what you most wanna be doing right now. You can do anything you like in the whole world. What are you gonna do? I want you to open your eyes and do it.

[Rigsby opens his eyes, gets up and kisses Grace]

Jane: Oh, yeah. That's what I'm talking about.

Cho: Huh.

Lisbon: Okay, he's hypnotized.

Jane: Hypnosis is just a way to connect to the imagination rather than the conscious mind. The mind will accept whatever the imagination creates, however bizarre.

Lisbon: Hypnotism is what you use against my explicit orders to get witnesses to tell the truth. It's a little different than convincing somebody that a dead girl is a sack of vegetables.

Jane: Different in scale.

[Talking about Carl Resnik who's been hypnotized]

Jane: He's all soft and squishy and malleable.

Lisbon: Well, can you fix him? Lift the trance, make him remember what happened?

Jane: I could try but without knowing the trigger it would be like you and me playing Marco Polo in the Atlantic. Take forever and you get all pruny. Easier just to find the hypnotist and ask him.

Lisbon: What's NLP?

Lindsay Hendricks: Neurolinguistic programming.

Jane: Well, sneaky ways to influence people doesn't sound quite as catchy.

[Rigsby pretends that he doesn't remember kissing Grace when he was hypnotized]

Jane: Coward.

Rigsby: What?

Jane: You honestly don't remember it?

Rigsby: Don't remember what?

Cho: He remembers.

Lisbon: He so remembers.

Rigsby: What?

Jane: It'll come to you.

Dr. Daniel: You're ambitious, more than you let anyone see. A girl from nowheresville, desperate to make it big, but you're worried that you'll always be smalltown, smalltime, you haven't got what it takes, and that's why you're so shut down to everything but this job.

Grace: Dr. Daniel, no offense, but I've been working with Patrick Jane for nine months now. You wanna get under my skin, you're gonna have to up your game.

A Dozen Red Roses [1.19] edit

Felicia Scott: I hope that she finds happiness. Because happiness is so hard to find. Once you find it, you've gotta hang on tight, or you will lose it.

Jane: That's true.

Jane: You know what I predict?

Lisbon: Nope.

Jane: Guess.

Lisbon: Just tell me.

Jane: No, I think you should guess, it's good for you. (Lisbon gives him a look.) I predict that Brandon Fulton will pay a visit to the Hanson residence this evening.

Lisbon: You think? Wouldn't be too clever.

Jane: Love is not blind, but it's often pretty stupid.

[Talking about Felicia Scott]

Jane: Whoo. She was some woman. Make the mighty agent Lisbon blush like a school girl.

Lisbon: Please, I did not.

Jane: Oh, Mitch, I thought we'd worked through your doormat issues. [To Lisbon] Tell Cho to squeeze him a little, he knows things.

Mitch: No, I don't.

Jane: Sure you do, Mitch.

Lisbon: You're not gonna like getting squeezed by Cho.

Jane: What is it that first attracted you to your husband? Not his looks.

Felicia Scott: Oh, really?

Jane: Yeah, really. He's not your type.

Felicia Scott: And what is my type?

Jane: Oh, ah, sporty bad boys with a hidden masochistic streak.

Felicia Scott: Aha.

Jane: Not too bright.

Felicia Scott: Not even close.

Jane: No, that was a bull's eye.

Lisbon: What do you think?

Jane: Oh, he's lying. They had an argument. You go out to celebrate with the man that financed your movie and only pay half the dinner bill?

Lisbon: Do you own a gun, Gabriel?

Gabriel Fanning: No. I like guns, but I'm afraid of blowing my own head off.

[After Jane lets go of two street performers without Cho's authorizatio])

Cho: Nice. I could arrest you for that.

Jane: You'll never take me alive, copper.

Cho: Seriously.

Jane: Seriously, it's Marilyn and Charlie. What, do you want to make a comedy arrest, see your name written in the weird news section?

Red Sauce [1.20] edit

Jane: Yeah, you guys go find out. I'll find the couch. [Stands up and turns around] Oh, there it is.

Jane: I'm not saying you knew about the affair, I'm just saying that if you did, you'd be our prime suspect. Funny when your best defense is your apparent lack of the most basic detective skills.

Marshal Exley: You little son of a bitch.

Cho: Easy.

Jane: I'm sorry. I'm just thinking aloud. No offense.

Marshal Exley: Yeah, right. No offense.

Jane: None taken.

[Talking about the whereabouts of a mafioso Sonny Battaglia]

Jane: Palm Desert right here in California?

Lisbon: No.

Jane: Palm Desert's not in California?

Lisbon: No, you can't sneak off and talk to Sonny Battaglia.

Jane: Oh, I thought you meant Palm Desert wasn't in California. It is in California, right?

Jane: Thanks for your time, Mr. Battaglia. See you later.

Sonny Battaglia: Hey, wait a minute. I'm not finished talking with you yet.

Jane: I'm finished talking with you.

Sonny Battaglia: What are you, Al Pacino all of a sudden? People don't act that way with me.

Jane: I do when there's witnesses around.

Sonny Battaglia: What are we gonna do with this guy? He's got a screw loose.

Jane: You think you have a certain charm about you, and you do, but you live by oppression. In reality you're just a greedy, twisted little sadist.

Sonny Battaglia: Hey, screw you blondie. You're lucky you helped me beat Arnold Palmer here or I'd plug you right now. To hell with the witnesses.

[Jane just waves at him]

Lisbon: What did you learn?

Jane: She's scared. She's of Italian descent. She bites her nails. She doesn't like pets or pineapple.

Lisbon: Useful stuff.

Kid: Yeah, screw the cops.

Jane: Even for a midget villain like yourself, that's an untenable position. Every modern society has some kind of police force. It's like saying, screw the public transport system.

Rigsby: Teenagers. I hate questioning teenagers. It's like talking to mud.

Jane: You need some love in your heart.

Rigsby: Oh, is that my problem.

Jane: Yeah, it is.

Lisbon: Any money go missing lately?

Playland owner: Nope. And I keep tabs, trust me.

Jane: And why should we trust you?

Playland owner: It's just a phrase, like "you know".

Jane: What do I know?

Playland owner: No. You don't know anything I'm saying it's just a thing to say.

Jane: Oh, it's a figure of speech.

Playland owner: Right.

Jane: So we shouldn't trust you, really.

Playland owner: Yeah. No, you should.

[Jane has guessed what Rigsby and Van Pelt got Lisbon for her birthday]

Cho: Okay, two for two. How about mine?

Jane: Cho. [Cho hands Lisbon a present and Jane covers his eyes]

Lisbon: That's sweet, thank you.

Jane: I got it.

Lisbon: Okay. [Opens the present] Okay, what is it?

Jane: It's a mid- to high- end bottle of... wine-- aah, no, no, no. Champagne.

Lisbon: Yes.

Jane: Yup, there I go. [whispering to Cho] Re-gift?

Cho: It's a really good bottle. I don't drink it.

Jane: Do I detect a slight residue of grumpiness in you demeanor?

Lisbon: No.

Jane: I swear to you, Lisbon, your gift is on its way.

Lisbon: I am not grumpy and I don't give a damn about your supposed gift.

Jane: [To Rigsby] She's still grumpy with me, isn't she?

Rigsby: Not touching that.

[It's Lisbon's birthday and everyone else has given her a gift except Jane]

Grace: Where's your gift?

Jane: Oh, it's on its way. [Rigsby laughs]

Lisbon: Typical.

Jane: You really think that I would forget your birthday present? [Lisbon nods] It's on its way.

Lisbon: Yeah, right.

Jane: Little grumpy because daddy didn't buy you a pony?

Jane: Look at it this way. We've closed yet another case.

Lisbon: Toying with mafia bosses is no way to close cases, it's stupid.

Jane: Meh. You just trying to find fault. And I know why.

Lisbon: Oh, really?

Jane: You're still a little grumpy about the birthday present thing.

Lisbon: Will you leave that alone?

Jane: Unbelievable. You've got no reason to be grumpy anymore. [He puts a red bow on Lisbon's office door. She opens the door and finds a pony standing in her office. Lisbon smiles and is lost for words]

Miss Red [1.21] edit

Jane: Oh, and thank you.

Lisbon: For what?

Jane: For just letting us play it out like this.

Lisbon: Nah. We would have had to let her go on the murder charge anyway. Nothing to keep her on until we get proof. Besides, this is a simple plan. It's when you start getting costumes and props that I get nervous.

[Jane and Cho are arresting Brooke Harper]

Jane: My friend Cho here will now take you by the wrist so as not to let you escape us again.

Cho: [Grasps her wrist, gently] Hi.

Brooke Harper: Warm hands.

Jane: I bet you say that to all your arresting officers.

[Brooke Harper is trying to open a locker when Jane and Cho come up from behind her]

Jane: Hello, gorgeous.

Brooke Harper: Beat it, creep.

Jane: I'd call you by your real name, but I don't know what it is.

Brooke Harper: [Turns around and sees Jane] Hello, Mr. Jane.

Jane: Hi.

Brooke Harper: I'm impressed.

Jane: Oh, for finding you? Wasn't that difficult.

Brooke Harper: Would you have a cigar?

Jane: Thank you, no. I hear they're not so good for your health.

Brooke Harper: Well, who wants to live forever?

Jane: It'd be horrible, wouldn't it? Immortality. Imagine the boredom.

Jane: Yes, this is also the key to a locker that holds ten million dollars.

Brooke Harper: Really? I thought it was for cigars. I love a good cigar.

Jane: Nope. Ten million dollars.

Brooke Harper: But that's just silly. Why would Jim keep ten million dollars in a locker?

Jane: [To Cho] She's good.

Cho: Yeah, she is.

Brooke Harper: How did you find me?

Jane: Well, let's make a deal. I'll tell you how we found you if you tell us who you are.

Brooke Harper: Okay. [With a British accent] My name is Angela Dalibar and I'm from Birmingham, England by way of Hong Kong. How did you find me?

Jane: I planted a GPS tracking device on you. Outstanding technology. No bigger than a stick of gum.

Cho: Tell us more about yourself Angela. How long have you been a professional con woman?

Brooke Harper: All my life, I suppose. [She drops the British accent] And I confess, my name's not really Angela.

Jane: And I didn't plant a GPS tracking device on you.

Rick Bregman: Six months of living in that chair. Six months and no one ever questioned me about it. Why did you?

Jane: Whenever I meet someone in a wheelchair I check the bottoms of their shoes. The bottoms of your shoes were scuffed. I've been checking shoes for years. This is the first time it's ever paid off. First time. That's gratifying, man. Very, very gratifying.

Lisbon: Ah, he's a pistol, isn't he?

Brooke Harper: See you around, Patrick.

Agent Hayes: I'll doubt you'll be seeing much of anybody for a few years.

Jane: Uh, I don't know about that, agent Hayes. She's very good at what she does.

Jane: That urge you have to get one over on people, the need to be smarter than the next guy? It'll keep biting you on the ass.

Brooke Harper: So my butt'll hurt occasionally. I'll still be smarter than the next guy.

Lisbon: Chewing-gum plays. I can already see my hair with a big chunk out of it.

Jane: You'd look good with short hair. Choppy, all kind of Peter Pan. Good for the eyes.

Lisbon: Train station. It had to be a train station.

Jane: What's wrong with a train station?

Lisbon: People, noise, tunnels, trains. More people.

Jane: Make much money, playing the keyboards?

Keith Gulbrand: No, but I'm not in it for the money. You know, music is a...it's a spiritual thing.

Jane: Yeah, it is. So is money. Everything that exists has a spiritual essence. Or not at all.

Jane: When was the last time you saw a doctor's handwriting you could read?

Lisbon: So she's precise. Is that what you're implying?

Jane: Yes, and the possibility that Dr. Brooke Harper is not a doctor.

Lisbon: Because she has penmanship skills?

Jane: And she doesn't have that cold, creepy, doctor-y vibe they all have.

Rigsby: Be fair. Not all the Doctors are cold and creepy.

Jane: First day in Medical School they get a stack of books and a dead human being. That, I'm afraid, would change you. Brooke Harper was warm and emotional.

Lisbon: You like her so she can't be a Doctor.

Jane: Pretty much.

Blood Brothers [1.22] edit

Marshall Winston: CBI! CBI! Like that's supposed to mean something!

Cho: Yeah, we do need better brand awareness.

Rigsby: I hate the woods.

Cho: Would you rather be playing desk jockey with Van Pelt right now?

Rigsby: Who sends their kids to a place like this? It's not cheap either.

Cho: A little deprivation and discipline is good for the soul.

Rigsby: Yeah, but this is like a juvie prison camp.

Cho: No. This is like spring break in Cancun compared to juvie.

Rigsby: Wait, you were in juvenile hall? Seriously?

Cho: Yeah, didn't you read my file?

Rigsby: No. Wait, did you read mine?

Cho: Of course.

Lisbon: I hope you got something useful for all the trouble you caused.

Jane: Yes, I did. The story of the mad axeman Zachariah, who lives in these here woods.

Lisbon: Ah, Z.

Jane: Yes, Z. I would have gotten more, but you came back too quickly.

Lisbon: Reality check. I'm your supervising agent. I'm not your decoy.

Chief Brody: Do you have any actual facts?

Jane: Well, it's an actual fact that you dislike Mr. MacLean here because he's a tree-hugging, liberal wacko who's probably running some kind of a cult. And he dislikes you because you're a small-minded, provincial hayseed. Not that you are necessarily. That's just what he thinks.

[One of the students has gone missing]

Lisbon: We should start looking in the woods around the school.

Jane: Oh, that sounds horribly tedious. Shout if you need me.

Lisbon: Go ahead, relax. Enjoy yourself. God forbid you should do anything tedious.

Jane: Who's Zachariah?

Mr. Maclean: Who?

Jane: Zachariah?

Mr. Maclean: Never heard of him. Who is he?

Jane: Liar.

Mr. Maclean: Liar?

Jane: Pants on fire. They're ablaze.

Mr. Maclean: I wanna cooperate with you people, but this man is trying to...I don't know what he's trying to do, but I resent it.

Jane: Excuse me, what kind of tree is this?

Chief Brody: Couldn't say.

Jane: Smells good. So you're not a local?

Chief Brody: Born five miles down the road, just don't give a crap about trees.

Mr. MacLean: I think you might show a little more respect.

Jane: Respect for...?

Chief Brody: There's a dead child here.

Jane: Yes, yes, he's dead. He doesn't care how I talk to you.

Red John's Footsteps [1.23] edit

Lisbon: Why so cruel?

Jane: Statistically, it's dad that did it.

Lisbon: Since when do you care about statistics?

Jane: Just wanted to raise his pulse a little.

Jane: Do you always follow your husband's lead? Do you never struggle against his desire to control?

Mr. Plaskett: Excuse me?

Jane: Just because you drink too much doesn't mean you don't have a say. I should think he's at least half the reason you drink in the first place. Yeah? A good man, but cold, pious.

Mr. Plaskett: You know, possession of that badge does not excuse you from acting with human decency.

[Jane is interrogating a suspect]

Jane: Please understand something. I have a very personal interest in this case. I'll do whatever it takes. I will have you framed for murder. I will torture you, I will kill you myself if I have to.

[Lisbon and Minelli are listening on the other side of the glass]

Minelli: Geez, Lisbon. Come on, this is on tape. Control your man there.

Lisbon: Cut him some slack. Look, he's just playing the guy. He doesn't mean it.

Minelli: Doesn't he? You know what Red John does to him. He can't think straight. He would do all that he said and more if you let him.

Lisbon: I won't let him.

Jane: If we catch Red John, he's not walking anywhere. He's mine.

Lisbon: Don't talk like that. I can't let you anywhere near this case if you start talking crazy like that.

Jane: Crazy? You're crazy if you think you're gonna stop me. Red John is mine. You try to stand in my way and you will regret it.

Lisbon: Are you threatening me?

Jane: No, I'm just saying that if you stand in my way you--

Lisbon: [interrupting] I've had it with your egotistical crap. This isn't about justice or the law. This is about you and your wounded pride. I'm done with it. Judge Tahoe, 288 Wispering lane? (goes to walk away) If he JayWalks...shoot him!

Lisbon: We still have Hardy, okay? He's gonna tell us what we need to know.

Jane: Oh, you think so? You should have waited. We agreed on that.

Lisbon: What if Hardy had killed you right here?

Jane: He would have led you straight to Red John.

Lisbon: You'd be dead.

Jane: But you would have Red John.

Lisbon: I don't think you mean what you say. I think you'd choose life.

Jane: Well, you think wrong.

Lisbon: No. No, you think wrong. Can't you see there's people who care about you? Who need you? You're being selfish and childish and I want you to stop it.

Jane: I wish that I could, but, you know, some things you just can't fix.