The Hangover

The Hangover is a 2009 comedy film about four friends attempting to restore their memory about a bachelor party in Las Vegas.

Directed by Todd Phillips. Written by Jon Lucas and Scott Moore.

Some guys just can't handle Vegas. (taglines)

Dialogue

Phil: Tracy, it's Phil.

Tracy: Phil, where the hell are you guys? I'm freaking out.

Phil: Yeah, listen. Uh... we fucked up.

Tracy: What are you talking about?

Phil: The bachelor party-- The whole night-- Things got outta control, and, uh…we lost Doug.

Tracy: What?

Phil: We can't find Doug.

Tracy: What are you saying, Phil? We're getting married in five hours!

Phil: Yeah. That's not gonna happen.

---

Sid: Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Doug: Ah!

Sid: Except for herpes. That shit'll come back with ya.

---

Alan: I want you to know, Doug, I'm a steel trap. Whatever happens tonight, I will never, ever, ever speak a word of it.

Doug: Okay. I got it. Thank you. I don't think that...

Alan: Seriously. I don't care what happens. I don't care if we kill someone.

Doug: What?

Alan: You heard me. It's Sin City. I won't tell a soul.

Doug: Okay. I got it. Thank you.

Alan: No, thank you. [the two future in-laws embrace] I love you so much.

---

Doug: All good with Melissa?

Stu: Oh, yeah. Told her we're two hours outside of wine country, and she bought it.

Phil: Don't you think it's strange that you've been in a relationship for three years, and you still have to lie about going to Vegas?

Stu: Yeah, I do. But trust me, it's not worth the fight.

Phil: Oh, so you can't go to Vegas, but she can fuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?

Stu: Okay. First of all, he was a bartender. And she was wasted. And, if you must know, he didn't even cum inside her.

Phil: And you believe that?

Stu: Uh, yeah, I do believe that, because she's grossed out by semen.

---

Alan: I like to say somethin' that I prepared tonight.

Stu: All right, Alan.

Alan: [extracts a sheet of paper; presents his speech] Hello. How 'bout that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City. You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack, it grew by one. So, there were two of us in the wolf pack. I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast! [pulls out a pocket knife]

Stu: What?!

Doug: Whattaya got there?

[Alan tries to cut his palm, to the others' shock]

Phil: What the fuck?!

Doug What are you doin'?!

[Alan groans in pain]

Stu: What is that?!

Alan: Blood brothers.

---

Phil: [sees Alan with his new satchel] You're not really wearin' that, are you?

Alan: Wearin' what?

Phil: The man purse. You actually gonna wear that, or you guys just fuckin' with me?

Alan: It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it's not a man purse. It's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.

Phil: So does Joy Behar.

---

Alan: Guys. Guys. What about the tiger? What if he got out?

Phil: Oh, fuck! I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger! How the fuck did he get in there?

Stu: I don't know, because I don't remember.

Phil: Shh! Stu! Stu, keep it down.

Alan: One of the side-effects of roofies is memory loss.

Stu: You are literally too stupid to insult.

---

Phil: All right. We got the money. 80 grand cash.

Chow: Throw it over! Then I give you Doug.

Stu: I'm sorry. First of all, good morning. We didn't catch your name last night.

Chow: Mr. Chow. Leslie Chow.

Stu: Mr. Chow, it is a pleasure. My name is Stu. And we would very much appreciate an opportunity to see Doug before we give you the money, to verify that he's okay, if that's cool.

Chow: Of course, Stu. That is cool. [claps hands, and a man with a bag on his head is brought out of the car]

Stu: [relieved] Oh. Okay.

Chow: See? He fine. Now, gimme money, or I shoot him, and I shoot all you motherfuckers! And then we take it! Your choice, bitches!

---

Melissa: I called that bed and breakfast in Napa. They said they had no record of you even checking in.

Stu: That's 'cause we didn't go to Napa.

Melissa: Stu, what the fuck is going on?

Stu: We went to Las Vegas.

Melissa: Oh, really? Las Vegas? Why would you go to Las Vegas?

Stu: 'Cause my best friend was getting married, and that's what guys do.

Melissa: Uh-huh?

Stu: Yeah.

Melissa: That's not what you do.

Stu: Really? Well, then, why did I do it?! Huh?! 'Cause I did it! Riddle me that! Why'd I do it?! You know, sometimes I think all you want me to do is what you want me to do. Well, I'm sick of doing what you want me to do all the time. I think, in a healthy relationship, sometimes a guy should be able to do what he wants to do.

Melissa: That is not how this works!

Stu: Oh, good! Because whatever this is ain't workin' for me!

Melissa: Oh, really?

Stu: Yeah!

Melissa: Since when?!

Stu: Since you fucked that waiter on your cruise last June! BOOM!!!

Alan: You told me it was a bartender.

Stu: Oh. You're right. I stand corrected. It was a bartender. You fucked a bartender.

Melissa: You're an idiot.

Stu: You're a-- You... [struggles] You're... such a bad person! Like, all the way through to your core!

---

[to a group of schoolchildren who are being shown a demonstration on how a taser works]

Officer Franklin: Ok, kids, you're in for a real treat today. These gentlemen have kindly volunteered to demonstrate how a stun gun is used to subdue a suspect... Now, there's two ways to use a stun gun: up close and personal…

[tasers Stu in the neck; Stu collapses]

Officer Franklin: …or you can shoot it from a distance. Now, do I have any volunteers? You wanna come up here and do some shootin’, huh? Alright. How about you, young lady? Come on up here.

Officer Franklin: Alright. Let's go, handsome. Come on.

[Alan steps forward]

Officer Franklin: Not you, fat Jesus. Slide it on back.

[to Phil]

Officer Franklin: You, pretty boy.

[to girl]

Officer Franklin: Alright. Now, it's real simple. All you gotta do is point, aim and shoot. Alright?

Phil: You don't really wanna do this.

Officer Franklin: You can do this. Just focus.

Phil: Don't listen to this maniac. Let's think this thing through.

Officer Franklin: Finish him!

[the girl tasers Phil]

Officer Franklin: Right in the nuts! That was beautiful! Well done! Give her a hand, everybody. Good job! Well done! Good job! That was great!

Officer Franklin: Look, hey, we got one more charge left. Anybody wanna do some shootin’ up here? How about you, big man?[to the boy who had his phone kicked out of his hand by Alan earlier] Come on up here. Okay, same instructions: just point, aim and shoot. There ya go. That's the stuff. I like the intensity, eye of the tiger. You're holdin’ 50,000 volts, little man. Don't be afraid to ride the lightning.

[the kid tasers Alan]

Officer Franklin: In the face! In the face!

Taglines

• Some guys just can't handle Vegas
• Whose baby is this?
• Am I missing a tooth?
• I stole a police car?!
• What happened last night?
• Where the hell is my tiger?
• Have you seen this man?
• Easy, tiger!
• You mess with the wrong guy.
• Well, technically, I'm an escort.

Cast

• Bradley Cooper - Phil Wenneck
• Ed Helms - Dr. Stuart "Stu" Price
• Zach Galifianakis - Alan Garner
• Justin Bartha - Doug Billings
• Heather Graham - Jade
• Sasha Barrese - Tracy Garner
• Jeffrey Tambor - Sid Garner
• Ken Jeong - Leslie Chow
• Rachael Harris - Melissa
• Mike Tyson - Himself
• Mike Epps - Black Doug
• Jernard Burks - Leonard
• Rob Riggle - Officer Franklin
• Cleo King - Officer Garden
• Bryan Callen - Eddie Palermo

External links

Encyclopedic article on The Hangover on Wikipedia

• The Hangover quotes at the Internet Movie Database
• The Hangover official site
• More Hangover quotes