The Fast Show

The Fast Show is a BBC comedy Sketch show programme which ran from 1994 to 2000.

Dialogue

The 13th Duke Of Wybourne

Season Three, Episode One

Duke: Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne? Here? At a French maids finishing school? At three o'clock in the morning? With my reputation? Bingo!

Duke: Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne? Here? In a student-nurses hall of residence? At three o'clock in the morning? With my reputation? Has no-one thought of the consequences? Oh well.

Season Three, Episode Two

Duke: Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne? Here? In a sixth-form girl's dormitory? At three o'clock in the morning? With my reputation? What were they thinking of?

Season Three, Episode Three

Duke: Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne? Here? In a women's prison? At three o'clock in the morning? With my reputation? Oh well, penal correctitude it is then.

Season Three, Episode Five

Duke: Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne? Here? At the changing rooms of the Brazilian synchronised-swimming team? Let's hope I live up to my reputation. Ladies, here I come, time for a rub down.

Season Three, Episode Six

Duke: Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne? Here? Alone with my best friends wife? At three o'clock in the morning? With my reputation? While he's downstairs? What does he think I'm going to do, sing her a lullaby or something? Mmm.

Season Three, Episode Seven

Duke: Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne? Here? On a farm? At three o'clock in the morning? With my reputation? They must be absolutely stark raving bonkers! Daisy, daddy's home! [cow "moo"s as he walked into a stall]

Season Three, Episode Eight

Duke: Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne? Here? In a mortuary? At three o'clock in the morning? With my reputation? Are they quite mad? Oh well.

Anyone Fancy A Pint?

Season Two, Episode Two

Chris: My name's Chris, erm, I am an alcoholic...

[AA group claps]

...I have got a problem, I can accept that, I'm not gonna give in to it. I'm gonna take each day as it comes. I've done a few bad things. I started when I was 14, drinking the usual cider, Newcastle brown and then whiskey, gin, vodka, special brew.

AA Leader: We've all been there.

Chris: Then, I moved on to stronger things, Night Nurse, Benylin. I was basically drinkin anything I could get my hands on, and that's why I came today.

AA Leader: Well done, Chris.

[another man stands up]

Man: Does anyone fancy a pint?

[everyone except for Chris leaves]

Brilliant Kid

Season One, Episode One

Brilliant: You know Ronnie Corbett? He's brilliant, but 'e's not really small, 'e's a great big bloke who they made look small so he could fit on the telly. And they did it wi' trick photography, which is brilliant, only they don't call it that no more, they call it special effects, and they're brilliant. Like in Terminator 2, have you seen it? It's about a bloke who can turn into a puddle and back again, fantastic. Aren't sequels brilliant? They're the same film, wi' same title, but a different number like 2 or 3. Even bad films are great aren't they? 'Cause at least they try. In the future, all films will be brilliant, in fact, everything will be brilliant in the future, with cars on monorails, and brilliant silvery costumes and food in pills, and probably some kind of future-y can-opener, fantastic. And everything will be done by computers. Aren't computers brilliant? They can do anything, except play football, a computer wouldn't be no good in goal. But they can do anything else virtually. I'n't virtual reality brilliant? It's exactly like reality, only you wear an 'at. I tried wi' me brothers crash helmet the other day and I fell down t' stairs. Aren't hospitals brilliant?

Season One, Episode Two

Brilliant: Holidays are brilliant, aren't they? They last two weeks, two weeks, or one if you want, or even just a weekend, it don't matter. Or if you got time, a month, but maybe that's too long, eh? The whole point of 'em is you don't have to go t' work, if you got a job that is. And you can go to foreign countries, any of 'em you like, like France, or that other one. And you go on a plane, planes are brilliant aren't they? Imagine what holidays must be like without 'em, to get to France would take like years and years and you would've had to swim the Channel with your suitcases and your pyjamas would've got all wet. But you can get on a plane, which is brilliant, and some of 'em now go faster than the speed of sound, which is really brilliant. 'Cause that means, before you went, you could shout 'hello' and when you got there, if you really really listened, you could probably hear yourself, like far-off and distant, like 'hello', like an echo, 'hello'. Aren't echoes brilliant? They're not a modern invention, you just shout and it comes back exactly the same, you don't have to do 'owt, the mountain does it all for you. Some mountains are volcanoes, and they really are brilliant. [image of volcano erupting] See volcanoes brilliant. [image of sea waters breaching sea wall] Flooding. Fantastic. [image of wave slamming into a ship] Great big waves. Brilliant. [image of lightning strike] Lightning. Brilliant. [image of forest fire] Forest fires, yeah. [image of tornado]Tornadoes, they're best, wow, amazing.

Season One, Episode Three

Brilliant: Eh, ain't it brilliant these days? The pubs are open all day, brilliant, they never used to be, fantastic, you can drink all day, brilliant. And 'ave you seen those new photo shops? You can get your pictres developed in like two hours, two hours, used t' take a week, brilliant. And you know answer phones, they're fantastic aren't they? I've got one but I don't know how it works. Paints good innit? All them colours and that? Yeah. Do you know what? In London, they've got these brilliant trains that go underground, you don't suffocate or nowt, fantastic. What about them animals you can get, you keep 'em in your 'ouse, and they're all furry, and you can stroke 'em, and make up names for them and they're called 'dogs', and smaller ones are called 'cats'. It's brilliant, everything's just fantastic.

Season One, Episode Four

Brilliant: Aren't kids brilliant thes days? They're 'appy just sittin' 'round plain' video games, you don't have to worry 'bout 'em getting run over or 'owt, fantastic. When I were a kid I used to get dead bored, me Dad used t' say that when he were a kid...

[cuts to Rubbish Dad]

Rubbish Dad: ...all I needed were a bit o' string...

[cuts back to Brilliant]

Brilliant: ...then he'd hit us 'round the 'ead, brilliant, fantastic. Aren't shops brilliant? 'Cause if you want something, no matter what it is, you can get it in a shop. Like a magazine, or anything, even some milk, or Cheesy-Peas, aren't Cheesy-Peas brilliant? They're a combination of cheese and peas to form Cheesy-Peas, brilliant. And, you know, if we didn't have shops, we wouldn't be able to buy 'em, wouldn't be able to buy 'owt, and we'd probably all die, and that would be terrible, wouldn't it? Aren't pavements brilliant? If you think about it, right, if we didn't 'ave 'em, everywhere would just be one big road, and we'd probably keep getting run over all the time, and we'd all die, and that'd be terrible wouldn't it? I mean, really terrible. I'n't the sky brillliant? I mean, where does it end? Fantastic.

[a fly buzzes into his mouth and he gags]

Brilliant: Just swallowed a fly, brilliant.

Season One, Episode Five

Brilliant: Glasses; megaphones; mountains; chairs; dinosaurs; er, telly; music; cars; trains; hat and gloves; shoes; zebras; Eric Cantona; adverts, posters and that; calendars; roofs; umbrellas; er, caravans; pancakes; that clingy stuff, clingfilm, yeah, yeah; magazines; outer space and chocolate, all brilliant!

Season One, Episode Six

Brilliant: YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH...aren't mams brilliant? They give birth to you, you know, they 'have' you, an' that. And then they look after you, for as long as you want. You don't have to pay 'em or nowt, fantastic. In fact, they pay you, pocket money and that, you know? Brilliant. And they've got this special magic way of puttin' your socks on, where they turn 'em 'alf inside out. I love mams, they're brilliant, and they're all different, which is brilliant, 'cause if they all looked the same you wouldn't know which 'ouse to go to for your tea. That'd be terrible wouldn't it, you might not be ready at the time you normally have it. Dads are all right but mams are better, mams are softer, and they smell better, and they do the cooking. 'Ave you seen them new cookers called 'microwaves, where everything takes just one minute to cook, one minute, your dinner, your snack, your tea even. Just one minute, or your breakfast if you want. One minute breakfast, fantastic. Microwaves, brilliant, but you can't put metal in 'em, I don't know why.

[he trips and falls over his own feet]

Brilliant: I fell over, brilliant.

Season Two, Episode Two

Brilliant: I'n't sex brilliant? You know, having it off, it's fantastic. I've done it like hundred times now, with me girlfriend. It's fantastic, except afterwards when y'ave to clear up all the mess, you know, all the wood an' that. I feel sorry for people who haven't had it off, you know, 'cause it's fantastic, except the first couple o' times I really hurt me goolies...they're all right now.

Ken & Kenneth

Season One, Episode One

[a man enters a suit store and is approached by Ken]

Ken: Good morning, sir. How are we today, sir?

Man: Fine. You?

Ken: Radiant, sir, radiant.

[the man picks up a suit ]

Ken: Ooh, that is a lovely suit, isn't it, sir?

Man: Yes, yes it's nice.

Ken: Ooh, suit you, sir, suit like that, ooh. Do you want one off the peg, sir, or do you want one made up?

Man: Well I'm looking for something a bit smart, I'm starting a new job.

Ken: Ooh, congratulations, sir. Will you be having your own secretary, sir?

Man: Yes. Yes, I think so.

Ken: Will you be giving it to her, sir?

Man: I'm sorry?

Ken: Your secretary, sir, will you be giving it to her?

Man: I'm not sure I understand.

Ken: Have you thought of a colour, sir? We have some excellent Blue Serge.

Man: Yes, blue, or a grey.

Ken: Oooh, suit you, sir, ooh. The ladies like a man in a suit, don't they, sir?

[the man grins and nods his head]

Ken: Were you out with a lady last-night, sir?

Man: Yes, I was, as a matter of fact.

Ken: Did she want it, sir?

Man: I beg your pardon?

Ken: The lady you were out with last-night, sir, did she want it, sir? Ooh, suit you, sir, ooh!

[the man goes to leave]

Ken: Ah, ah, arms. Sorry, sir, didn't mean a thing. Just making conversation, won't say another word. This...lady you were out with last-night, sir?

Man: Yes.

Ken: Known her long?

Man: Yes, about four years. She's my fiancée.

[Kenneth walks up]

Kenneth: Does she want it, sir?

Man: You what?

Kenneth: Your fiancée, does she want it, sir? Is she a pale girl, sir? Doe-eyed, sir?

Ken: Like a frightened deer in a woodland glade, sir? Cornered by the hounds, ooh!

Kenneth: Does she make this sort of noise, sir? Ah!

Ken: Ah!

Kenneth: Ah!

Ken: Ah!

Kenneth: Ah!

Ken: Ah!

Man: Good bye. [he leaves]

Ken: Does she look over her shoulder at you, sir, like this? Ah!

Kenneth: Suit you, sir.

Ken: Suit you, sir.

Season Three, Episode One

[a man is escorted to a changing cubicle by Ken and enters it while Ken waits outside]

Ken: Haven't I seen you somewhere before, sir?

Customer: I am an actor. I have done one or two commercials.

Ken: We don't watch television, sir.

Customer: Well I have done some Shakespeare. Although you probably wouldn't have...

Ken: Oh, that's right sir, I've seen your Hamlet, haven't I sir? It was only a small production, sir, but your Hamlet really stood out sir. Ooh.

[Kenneth appears in the changing compartment]

Kenneth: Have you seen Kenneth Brannagh's Hamlet sir?

Customer: Yea..yes.

Ken: Oh, Kenneth Brannagh's an extraordinary Hamlet isn't it sir?

Kenneth: Oh!

Ken: Quite exquisite sir. Ooh

Kenneth: The thing's he does with his Hamlet beggars belief sir. I thought I'd seen every type of Hamlet there was till I saw Kenneth's.

Ken: Suit you.

Kenneth: Suit you, sir.

Ken: You didn't find it too long?

Kenneth: No, I like a long Hamlet. Don't you sir.

Ken: Oh. It was even longer than Olivier's.

Kenneth: Yes, but when I saw Olivier's Hamlet on stage it was perfect. The audience gasped in wonder at it, sir.

Ken: I didn't think Kenneth Brannagh had the physical presence to carry off such an enormous Hamlet, sir.

Kenneth: Ah, but he did Ken and apparently it brought tears to Kate Winslet's eyes.

Ken: Oh! Oh!

Kenneth: Suit you, sir.

Ken: Oh! Suit you.

[Kenneth peers over the swing-door]

Kenneth: Goodness, you have got a big penis, haven't you.

Season Three, Episode Five

[a very smart customer, in dickie bow tie and bowler hat, marches into the shop]

Ken: Good morning, sir - and how are we, today?

Customer: Blooming, thank you. And you?

Ken: [on the back foot] Radiant, sir. Radiant.

Customer: Good, good. Now, I'm looking for a suit. Not to formal, not too casual. Lightweight, not too flimsy. A neutral colour, but not too dull.

Ken: Ooh, you know your own mind - don't you, sir?

Customer: Yes, I suppose I do.

Ken: Oh! A suit, sir. Suits you. Is that all you're after, sir?

Customer: Yes. After all, I have enough socks. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ken: Have you ever thought about going at it full pelt with tranny, sir? Ooh! A shemale? A man-woman-man? Ooh!

Customer: Why do you ask?

Ken: [completely off-guard] It's just a matter of interest, sir. I take an interest in that sort of thing.

Customer: I see. And you?

Ken: Sir?

Customer: Have you ever sampled the unique delights of a ladyman?

Ken: [horrified] I really think that's none of your business, sir!

Customer: You're quite right! Now, this suit.

Ken: [subdued] Yes, sir. A suit, sir. These were tailored in Thailand, sir.

Kenneth: Anything goes out there - doesn't it, sir? Have you spent much time out there, sir? In Bang-COCK!

Ken: Not now, Kenneth, he's a live one...

Kenneth: Hmm? The sex capital of the world, sir? Hmm? But don't you feel grubby after a while, sir?

Customer: Yes, I generally feel I need a thorough cleansing after I've mired myself in the addictive world of pornography, prostitution and perverse sex games. One always hates oneself, don't you think?

Ken: Well, er...

Customer: One feels the need to reacquaint oneself with the finer things in life. With purity. With love. With innocence. And then... [hooks an arm over Ken and Kenneth's shoulders, and squeezes them to him] ...it's down with the trousers, out with the old chap, and come on ladies, come on gentlemen, come on you trannies! Fruits of the forest! Sapiers! COME SLIDE DOWN THE GREASY POLE OF MY DEPRAVITY! I'LL BRING THE CHICKENS!

The Offroaders

Season Two, Episode Two

Part 1

[Simon & Lindsey run toward screen with paintball guns; screaming]

Simon: Right, day five, paintball. We're here for fun , and camaraderie. The type of people you meet in the paint zone are the best. We've gotten a lot of new buddies since we started balling.

Lindsey: "Gotten"!

Simon: Now, although paintball is not real war...

Lindsey: "Buddies"!

Simon: Although paintball is not real war...

Lindsey: "I've gotten a gun, let's go shoot some buddies"!

[Simon shoots Lindsey in the groin; Lindsey screams]

Simon: Although paintball is not real war, it's important to take it seriously. You need the right equipment. We've got the goggles...

[he raises his goggles to show; Lindsey shoots Simon in the face; Simon screams]

Lindsey: Sorry, Si.

Part 2

Simon: Right, three big tips before we start: shoot it, shovel it, and shut up.

Lindsey: What?

Simon: Shut up! Right, I've got a standard hand-gun, and Lindsey has got one of those fast-action automatic-cocking babies.

Lindsey: We're going for maximum splat, splattus maximus.

Simon: And believe me, they work.

Lindsey: It's gripped!

Simon: Sorted! Okay, Linds, when the whistle goes, I'm gonna hot-foot it up there, you cover me.

Lindsey: Right, it's gripped!

[whistle blows]

Simon: Right, let's paint ball!

Lindsey: Good luck, comrade.

[Simon starts to run; Lindsey grins to camera a then starts shooting Simon in the back; Simon falls and Lindsey keeps shooting; Lindsey stops shooting and laughs]

Simon: What the bloody hell do you think you're doing, Lindsey?

Lindsey: You said "cover me"! Hu-her, joke!

[Simon shoots Lindsey in the groin again]

Simon: Jokus maximus bollockus number two!

Part 3

Simon: Right, we're going for the flag on this one. Lindsey, no pissing about. I'm gonna sneak back up that valley, you cover me.

Lindsey: Sorry, bad joke.

Simon: Let's paint ball.

Lindsey: It's gripped!

Simon: Sorted!

Lindsey: Sorry, Baz, gotta do it.

[Simon turns and runs; Lindsey shoots him again]

Lindsey: Sorry, Si, I couldn't resist.

[Lindsey covers his groin; Simon beats him over the head with his gun]

Season Three, Episode Eight

Part 1

Simon: Day Eight, white water rafting.

Lindsey: Yee-haaa!

Simon: This is a river, one tough bitch. A swirling, raging, thrashing, torrent of screaming water.

Lindsey: Screamin' water!

Simon: And I choose my words carefully, because she's upturned the boat of many a clown, who thought they could tame her. You must respect her, you must respect the river if you wanna come out of her alive...

[Simon turns to look at the river]

...you must respect her, understand her...

[Lindsey pushes Simon in the river]

Lindsey: Huhuhur, he's in! That's a tenner you owe me Baz! Hahahaha!

Part 2

Lindsey: Right, day eight, part two. Lindsey here. I mean I was only havin' a laugh, I didn't know he'd get washed away. We've come down here to see if we can find him. No luck yet, but the rescue people'll get him. You rang 'em didn't you, Baz?

Baz: No, I thought you did.

Lindsey: Oh, er. Well, I was only havin' a laugh, he was wearing his life jacket anyway...

[Simon appears in the water and walks up behind Lindsey]

...Well, you know, he's fat, he'll float. He's a good swimmer. You know, what more can I say?

[Simon stands behind Lindsey and picks up an axe]

Baz: Er, Lindsey? Lindsey?!

Lindsey: What can you do about it?

[Simon hits Lindsey in the head with the axe]

Simon: You bastard! You know I can't swim!

Lindsey: Ah, ah. What have you done to my head?! What have you done to my bloody head?! Baz, what's he done to my head?!

Baz: He's stuck an axe in it.

Lindsey: What?!

Simon: I've stuck an axe in it.

Lindsey: You stuck an axe in my head?!

Simon: Yeah.

Lindsey: What, through the hat?!

Simon: Yeah.

Lindsey: The famous hat!

Simon: Yeah, sorry mate.

Lindsey: You stuck an axe through the famous hat?!

Simon: Yeah.

Lindsey: What's it look like?

Simon: It looks quite good actually.

Lindsey: Yeah? Let's go down the pub then, shall we?

Simon: Yeah.

Lindsey: The hat. The hat. The famous...

[Lindsey collapses]

Professor Denzil Dexter, University Of Southern California

Season One, Episode One

Prof. Dexter: We took four cardboard tubes, the kinda tubes you'd find in a brand of regular toilet tissue, and then proceeded to place them on the floor. Making four columns, equidistantly thus. We wanted to test if these cardboard tubes would support the average body-weight of a human man.

[he steps on the tubes and they are crushed before he can even get both of his feet up]

Prof. Dexter: No.

Season One, Episode Two

Prof. Dexter: We heated this beaker of bear's urine to 37 degrees centigrade, that's human body temperature.

[he removes the thermometer and takes a sip]

Prof. Dexter: It tastes revolting. Now Dave and sub-vectors. Dave...

Season One, Episode Three

Prof. Dexter: At the weekend, I continued my research into a particularly rare species of dinosaur. After building a time-machine out of a station wagon, some pots and pans, and some aluminum tin-foil, I attempted to travel back in time 5 million years. The results were disappointing. I then realised it would be more sensible to excavate some fossils, and then reassemble the bones. Try to make a mental picture, of what it was like to be a gruff cave-man. And now Dave and particle acceleration. Dave...

Season One, Episode Four

Prof. Dexter: We took four laboratory mice, and for six days exposed them to Mozart's Clarinet Quintet. After the six days was over, we then placed an actual clarinet inside the cage with the mice, to see if the mice had grasped the subtle nuances of classical music. The results were disappointing. Next time, we will feed and water the mice. Now, Dave with a sideways look at Deoxyribo-Nucleic-Acid. Dave...

Why can't...why can't I just say DNA? It's so hard that.

Season One, Episode Five

Prof. Dexter: I was educated at the Woodrow Wilson Institute of Science, between the years 1967 and 1969. At this time, people like Professor Timothy Leary were advocating philosophies such as Tune In, Turn On and Drop Out and there was also the heavy use of hallucinogenic drugs. Can I just say, at this point, that these theories in no way affected my research or my philosophy.

Narrator: And what exactly are you researching at the moment, Professor Dexter?

Prof. Dexter: Space bats.

Narrator: Space bats?

Prof. Dexter: You bet your ass.

Season Two, Episode Three

Prof. Dexter: We took seventy millilitres of ordinary tap-water, and put it in this beaker. Then we took seventy millilitres of rainwater from the laboratory roof, and put it in this beaker... don't ask me why. We just did.

Season Two, Episode Seven

Prof. Dexter: We took this skull... from another laboratory! Heh, heh. Didn't we, Dave? Huh, huh.

Roy and Renée

Season One, Episode One

Renee: Oh, we’ve been to Stratford on Avon and to went to see Shakespeare’s old house, I said to the guide it’s a bit pokey, What did I say to the guide Roy?

Roy: It’s a bit pokey

Renee: Only they’ve kept it very olde worlde, they’ve not modernised it all you know, its still very Shakespearean- you can buy his story books on the way out, I said to Roy I said the prices aren’t old fashioned are they, what did I say Roy?

Roy: The prices aren’t old fashioned.

Renee: Oh they did laugh. I mean we're not big fans of Shakespeare myself and Roy, we like Jasper Carrot, we went to see him last year at the Davenport, oh he had everyone roaring laughing I said to Roy I think I’m going to pee me pants, what did I say Roy?

Roy: I think I’m going to pee me pants

Renee: We went to see Ken Dodd the year before that, oh we’re big fans of Doddy myself and Roy, four and a half hours he did, how long did he do Roy?

Roy: Four and a half hours

Renee: Oh you know, we had chicken in a basket, the lot, I said we’ve had a smashing night, what did I say Roy?

Roy: We had a smashing night and thoroughly enjoyed it

Renee: I didn’t say thoroughly enjoyed it- Roy!

Season One, Episode Two

Renee: Oh you’re going to Turkey, oh you lucky thing. Oh we’ve been to Turkey myself and Roy, 1990 went to Turkey, ‘91 Turkey, ‘92 Turkey, ‘93 Morecambe- Oh it’s not a patch on Turkey- it’s not got the same atmosphere what did I say Roy?

Roy: It’s not got the same atmosphere

Renee: Last time there were a trip to some ruins- I said we haven’t come all this way to look at an eyesore, oh they did laugh, what did they do Roy?

Roy: They did laugh

Renee: You see, Oh and one night Roy tried his hand on the karaoke, I said to Roy you’ve got a good voice, but no coordination, what did I say Roy?

Roy: You’ve got a good voice, but no coordination

Renee: I mean were not big sun worshippers myself and Roy we’re big fans of the shade. Roy came down in his shorts one day, I said you look like an egg on legs, what did I say Roy?

Roy: You look like an egg on legs

Renee: They did laugh ‘round the pool. Oh I got a really dicky tummy on the Wednesday, I said oh Roy, my tummy’s off- what did I say Roy?

Roy: You said you could have shit through the eye of a needle!

Renee: I did not say that- Roy.

Season One, Episode Four

[Roy and Renée are on train, talking to man opposite, Roy eats a Kit-Kat]

Renée: Oh we’ve just come back from Paris in France, haven’t we Roy, we got off the train I said ohh it’s sooo Parisian, what did I say Roy?

Roy: It’s sooo Parisian

Renée: I mean French cuisine its the best in the world you know the chips are so thin and crispy, I said Roy we’ll come here again, what did I say Roy?

Roy: We’ll come here again.

Renée: And then we had some trouble at the hotel you know, we’d booked a room with a bath but when we got there it were a shower, I said to Roy call the concierge, what did I say Roy?

Roy: Call the concierge.

Renée: Which is French for hotel porter man. You know but Roy, he will not take a shower, he will not take a shower, because of his legs, why won’t you take a shower Roy?

Roy: Because of my legs

[man on train takes subtle look under the table at Roy’s legs]

Renée: So the concierge came down, he couldn’t have been nicer, he pretended not to understand at first like they do so we had to look it up in the bilingual book what the word for bath was and it was bain, what was it Roy?

Roy: Bain

Renée: So they moved us to a room with a bain, no bloody view from the fenetre, - I’m back in England but I can’t stop talking French, so I said to Roy we won’t let it spoil our holiday, what did I say Roy?

[Roy holds Kit Kat towards man on train]

Roy: Do you want bit of Kit-Kat?

[Renée slaps Roy's hand]

Renée: He doesn’t want any Kit-Kat- Roy!

Season One, Episode Five

Renée: Oh we’ve just come back from London the capital city, there’s so much to see and do you know but everything’s so far apart I said to Roy ohh, me poor plates of meat, what did I say Roy?

Roy: Me poor plates of meat

Renée: We went to see Les Miserable you know oh its really disappointing its all singing, you know no storyline. The tourists they were all queuing up outside for their tickets I said to Roy it’s a good job we booked ours on the dog and bone, what did I say Roy?

Roy: It’s a good job we booked ours on the dog and bone

Renée: Went for a smashing meal at the Berni Inn myself and Roy, Big fans of Berni Inns and now there’s Harvester- what can you do? But there was like no room on the ground floor but the waiter found us a table up the apples and pears, where was the tables Roy?

Roy: Up the apples and pears

Renée: Oh the waiter was cheeky you know real cockney type but nice with it, and he said to Roy is this your daughter about me, and Roy said no - it’s my wife. What did you say Roy?

Roy: It’s my trouble and strife.

Renée: Don’t make me beat you again- Roy!

Season One, Episode Six

[we cut to Roy and Renée in a bar during the Chanel 9 news; Poula Fisch has reported that instead of the usual scorchio, there is “nimbo cumulos” (a cloud) on the Costa; the regular news is stopped for a “Speciale Report”.]

Renée: You’d think they’d never seen a cloud before, oh we did laugh- they’re even selling T-shirts of the cloud; we brought one each myself and Roy, oh I said to Roy I don’t know if they will wash well, what did I say Roy?

[Renée holds up a white T-shirt with a grey cloud on it]

Roy: I don’t know if they will wash well.

Renée: Next thing this film crew arrived, so I went up to this foreign man and said hello, we’re from England in the United Kingdom, I said could we be in your film we’ve seen loads of clouds- what did I say Roy?

Roy: We’ve seen loads of clouds.

Renée: Well I said we are experts myself and Roy, the foreign man said could you go away, we’re trying to film, what did they say Roy?

Roy: Hethethethetheth Pethethethetheth

Renée: Stop showing off… Roy!

[This scene is subtitled for the benefit of Chanel 9 viewers; when Renée tells us that they are selling T-shirts of the cloud we read “Nea shopping te t-shirts, onu solo shoppo totalitarious mia parl Roi. Lavato Chris Waddle beuno”, Roy repeats “Lavato Chris Waddle beuno”. When Renée tells us about the film crew we read “Hoopla Multo film crews Ki parl uomo tidiaka Sminki Pinki ne film ono lgletrous. Opto multo multo nimbo cumulos” Roy repeats “Opto multo multo nimbo cumulos”. When Renée regales their cloud expertise Chanel 9 viewers read “Nono spertos. Ne uomo tidiaka parl “Hethethethetheth Pethethethetheth”, but when Roy repeats they read “Bugger off you stupid English tourists”.]

Season Two, Episode Two

[Roy and Renée are on a plane, the air hostess has just served them a drink so Renée starts talking to the hostess.]

Renée: Oh thanks love, lovely. Oh I’d have loved to have been an air hostess you know, I would, such a glamorous life you know jetting off all over the place serving businessmen with tea but Roy thinks, he thinks you’re just waitresses, trolley dollies he calls you, what did you call them Roy?

Roy: Trolley dollies.

Renée: He’s funny Roy ain’t he. When we got on the plane I said to Roy, Oh don’t those air hostesses look lovely in those posh uniforms and do you know what Roy said, he said they’re all caked in make-up, what did you say Roy?

Roy: They’re all caked in make-up.

Renée: He’s really observant Roy, you know he sees everything visually. But my friend Gloria she said the pilots marry air hostesses, and I said some of them do Gloria, but some of them are gay, which is fine, what did I say Roy?

Roy: They’re all poofs and lezzies.

Renée: You lying bastard Roy- I hope you crash!

Rowley Birkin QC

Season Two, Episode One

Birkin: [rambling]... I remember the time when there was a fireworks display, in the village... [rambles] ...it was quite frightening, bang, crash, wishoo, fizz... [rambles] ...how they actually do that, anyway... [rambles] ...hah!... [rambles] ...one girl was very badly burned... [rambles] ...and I was called upon, in my capacity as... [rambles] ...and I cracked my head very sharply, off a piece of furniture... [rambles] ..."ah" like that... [rambles] ...I'm afraid... that I was very, very drunk.

Season Two, Episode Two

Birkin: ..."Johnny! Johnny Ludlow!" Hahaha... [rambles] ...terrible flatulence... [rambles] ...you see?... [rambles] ...the whole thing was made completely out of rubber... [rambles; make bubbling noises] ...in fact, we communicated the whole time with sign language... [rambles] ...a rather striking moustache... [rambles] ...wow! you see?... [rambles] ...you know, you can actually drive one of those cars, on three wheels!... [rambles] ...I'm afraid I was very drunk.

Season Two, Episode Three

Birkin: Cairo!... [emits a high pitch squeak; rambles] ...very unstable, politically, pandimonium!... [rambles; then mimes pushing through tall grass and gestures above him] ...a poisonous monkey... [rambles] ...very small chaps, but immensely strong... [rambles] ...hah! like that. It was a completely wasted journey... [rambles] ...Snake! Snake! Aah! Brrr! Gin!... [rambles; mimes holding something] ...lift the thing up, I didn't know what to do... [rambles] ...I made a dreadful hash of his arm, I really did... [rambles] ...I freely admit, that I was very, very drunk.

Season Two, Episode Five

Birkin: [laughs] ...I remember, it was just outside Edinburgh!... [laughs; rambles] ...I said to her, "Get a man in" [laughs] She bloody did!... [laughs] ...a makeshift crutch!... [laughs] ...the whole bloody leg was completely septic!... ...didn't wake up for three days, three bloody days!... [laughs] ...I'm laughing now! I'm afraid I was very drunk!

Season Two, Episode Six

Birkin: Vast ice floes... [rambles] ...there he was, staring at me, six foot eight if he was an inch... [rambles] ...the whole thing was made out of matchsticks... [rambles] ...I laugh now... [rambles] ...image of a four star Nazi General, licking a lollipop... [rambles] ...I was feeling a little liverish... [rambles] ...he punched me right on the nose... [rambles] ...I didn't feel a thing, I'm afraid, I was very drunk.

Season Two, Episode Seven

Birkin: It happens to every young man, I'm sure... [quietly rambles] ...she was quite beautiful... ...she had a very long neck... ...very intelligent... ...really piercing eyes... ...of course, the war came along... ...really beautiful song: la la la, I can't remember anymore... ...I was in absolute floods of tears... ...it was very, very cold, and... ...and I held her in my arms... [stares silently at the camera] ...I'm afraid I was very drunk.

Season Three, Episode One

Birkin: At the time, I was still a... [rambles] ...like a giant marshmallow... [rambles] ...fingerless gloves, very sensual... [rambles] ...just off St Alexander's Square, you know, behind the chocolate shop... [rambles] ...the head became completely detached... [rambles; makes bubbling noises] ...we always felt like we were being watched, like that... [rambles] ...I went completely cross-eyed... [crosses his eyes] ...I can't do it now... [rambles] ...I mean, you must have been there, oh you must go, it's quite, quite, quite, quite beautiful... [rambles] ...lorry load of interesting cheeses... [rambles] ...there is no art to find the minds construction of the face, mmm... [rambles] ...and then they made their burrows in rotten wood... [rambles] ...a face like a mad baboon and an arse to match... [rambles; moves his arms as if running] ...shoot him, you fool!... ...I didn't hear any of it of course, I'm afraid, I was very, very drunk.

Swiss Toni

Season Three, Episode One

Swiss Toni: What is a woman, Paul?

Paul: I beg your pardon, Swiss?

Swiss Toni: Watch me. Learn from me. I could teach you everything there is to know about this business. These aren't cars we're selling here, they're dreams. And to know about cars, to know about dreams, you have to know about women.

Paul: Right, yes, Swiss.

Swiss Toni: A woman is not just a creature that likes fine wines, Whitney Houston films, and the manly smell of a pipe. A woman is a mysterious, complex box of tricks. When you're selling a car to woman, you have to imagine you're making love to her. You have to seduce her. And when she buys, that's the Big-O: Orgasm central. Multiple orgasm would be if she bought lots of cars.

Paul: Like a fleet?

Swiss Toni: Yes, but, that never happens.

Paul: What if you're selling a car to a bloke?

Swiss Toni: Then it's all about todgers. These aren't cars, they're todgers.

Paul: But I thought you said they were dreams?

Swiss Toni: You ever dream about todgers, Paul?

Paul: No.

Swiss Toni: No, no. Neither do I, obviously. When you're selling a car to man, it all comes down to who's got the biggest todger. You have to make him think that his is bigger. But, in order to sell it to him, you have to know that yours is the biggest. You have to keep telling yourself, "I've got the biggest todger in the world".

Paul: I've got the biggest todger in the world.

Swiss Toni: It's not as big as mine, Paul. It's not as big as mine.

Season Three, Episode Two

Swiss Toni: Washing a car, Paul, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman: you've got to caress the body, breathe softly and gently on her, and give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

Paul: All we ever do is wash the bloody cars, Toni. I mean, when are we gonna sell them?

Swiss Toni: What is it that women want, Paul?

Paul: I don't know, babies, probably.

Swiss Toni: You're a Neanderthal, Paul!

Paul: What's that?

Swiss Toni: Caveman, living in prehistoric times. Let me tell you what the sophisticated, modern, liberated, nineties ladies like. They like fine wines, Belgian chocolates, Hello! magazine, and the smell of a pipe. Did I ever tell you about the time I was on St. Lucia? Met a girl on the beach, she was young, and dark, and fruity. She had on the tiniest... the tiniest bikini that I have ever seen. And when I took her up to my room, she took it off. She had the most extraordinary...[static]

Season Three, Episode Three

Swiss Toni: Do I find you reading a book, Paul?

Paul: Yeah, sorry, Swiss. There are no customers, and, it's a guide book I'm going camping at the weekend.

Swiss Toni: Putting up a tent is very much like making love to a beautiful woman: you unzip the door, put up your pole, and slip into the old bag.

Unlucky Alf

Season One, Episode One

[Alf walks out of a greenhouse]

Unlucky Alf: Me new greenhouse. That should keep me tom's nice and warm. Though knowing my luck, kids'll probbly break it wi' cricket ball.

[cricket ball flies up from over the wall]

Unlucky Alf: Oh no, me new greenhouse!

[ball hits him in the face]

Child [offscreen]: Can we have our ball back, Unlucky Alf?

Unlucky Alf: Oh, all right, mind your 'eads.

[he throws the ball and it smashes the greenhouse]

Unlucky Alf: Oh...bugger!

[Alf comes out of his house]

Passer-by: Good morning, Unlucky Alf.

Unlucky Alf: 'Morning, though I doubt there's 'owt good about it. [to camera]See that down there, [he points his cane toward the end of the street] they're digging a ruddy great hole at the end o' road. Knowing my luck I'll probbly fall down that.

[he walks down the street towards the hole, as he nears it the wind blows and he goes straight down the hole]

Season One, Episode Two

[Alf walks in holding a parrot cage and places it on a table]

Unlucky Alf: I just bought meself a parrot, something to keep me company now that I'm on me own. Though knowing my luck it probbly wont say 'owt.

[he looks at the parrot, wo just stares right back and says nothing]

Unlucky Alf: Bugger!

[he sits down in his chair]

Parrot: Wanker...wanker!

Unlucky Alf: Bu...

Parrot: Wanker!

Unlucky Alf: B...

Parrot: Twat! Twat! Twat! You Twat! Twat!

Season One, Episode Three

[Alf is walking to the bus-stop, as the bus approaches he begins to run, the bus does not stop]

Unlucky Alf: Bugger, I missed it! I bloody knew that were going t' happen. I'm on me way t' British Legion Club, generally pop down every Tuesday afternoon. Have a game of cards, or perhaps some dominoes, usually lose at both, no surprises there, eh? Now I expect I'll be stood here all the bloody day waiting for another bus.

[another bus comes round the corner]

Unlucky Alf: Crikey, there's a stroke o' luck, here's one now.

[the bus-stop sign falls down and hits Alf on the head, he falls to the ground and the bus does not stop]

Season One, Episode Four

Unlucky Alf: See this? It's an FA Cup final ticket, though knowing my luck they'll probbly cancel the game. So, I've decided not to risk it. I'm just goin' t' sit here, wi' a nice glass o' beer, and watch it on t' telly.

[he picks up the remote, presses a button and the TV explodes, starting a fire. He picks up his beer and throws it over the fire, extinguishing it]

Unlucky Alf: Oh...bugger!

Season One, Episode Five

Unlucky Alf: Sad day, buryin' me friend Albert today. Droppin' like flies they are now, all me old comrades. So, I'm off t' funeral at t' local cemt'ry. Though knowing my luck, something 'll probbly go tragically wrong...

[at the cemetery the funeral is over and everyone is walking from the grave. A knocking comes from the ground]

Unlucky Alf: Let me out. Let me out. You've buried t' wrong bloke, it was Albert you were supposed t' be burying. Oh...bugger!

Unlucky Alf: Bah, puddle. Knowing my luck, if I step in that, I'll go straight up t' me middle. I'll take me chances wi' road. Though knowing my luck, I'll probbly get run over.

[he steps out onto the road but is stopped by a passer-by, before a passing car nearly hits him]

Passer-By: Whoah! Hold up, grandad, what you doin'? You don't wanna walk in that road, you'll get whacked.

Unlucky Alf: Well I'm not going in there young'un, knowing my luck it's probbly 'bout 4 or 5 foot deep.

Passer-By: Nah, you're all right, look. [he stamps about in the puddle] You won't even get your feet wet, hardly.

Unlucky Alf: Oh, all right then, here goes nothin'

[he steps in the puddle and falls in up to his waist]

Unlucky Alf: Oh...bugger!

Passer-By: Well, that was a bit unlucky.

[the passer-by walks away leaving Alf in the puddle]

Season One, Episode Six

Unlucky Alf: Another day. I don't hold out much 'ope. Usual mixture of bad luck and despair, misery and frustration, piles.

[there's a knock at the door, Alf opens it]

Pools Man: Unlucky Alf?

Unlucky Alf:That's right.

Pools Man: You've won the pools.

Unlucky Alf: Blimey!

Pools Man: Here's a cheque for £1 000 000.

Unlucky Alf: Oh right, well thanks very much. [he reads from cheque] 'One million pounds only', I don't know why they write 'only' seems like quite a lot of money to me.

[another knock at the door]

Unlucky Alf: Now what?

[a woman dressed in 'sexy' clothing is at the door]

Woman: Hello, pet. Can I borrow a cup o' sugar?

Unlucky Alf: I'm sorry, I've run out.

Woman: That's all right, I didn't really want any, it's you I'm after you beast. You lucky boy, you lucky boy, you lucky boy...

Unlucky Alf: No, back off, control yourself, no, no, no...

[fades to Alf in bed]

Unlucky Alf: ...no, no...[alarm sounds and he turns it off] Thank Christ for that, it were all just a bad dream.

[dust falls from the ceiling and there is a creaking above]

Unlucky Alf: 'Ere we go...

[the ceiling falls and lands on Alf who makes a hole through it and looks out]

Unlucky Alf: That's more like it.

[Alf is feeding the geese in a park]

Unlucky Alf: Not many pleasures remainin' in life for an old gent, 'part from poppin' in t' park for an hour or so to feed the geese. [to geese] Come on, come on me little friends, g-oooh!

[a goose appears and pecks at his crotch]

Unlucky Alf: Ooh, bugger! I didn't realise that were goin' t' happen. Ooh! Not that I've got much use for it anymore, I suppose.

Season Two, Episode One

[Alf walks out of shop holding a piece of paper]

Unlucky Alf: Just bought me lottery ticket, though knowing my luck I probbly won't win 'owt. Bloody hell!

[the giant lottery finger appears]

Lottery Finger: It's you!

[the finger pushes Alf and he smashes through the window behind him. A man walks from the shop]

Lottery Finger: Oh, sorry, I mean you.

The Man: YEEEEEEEEESSSS!

Patrick Nice

• ...and on the way back from the cove, within a hundred yards of each other, we saw Stevie Nicks and Helena Bonham-Carter, so we gave them a lift on the back of a tractor... which was nice.

• Season Two, Episode One

• ...and our eldest son, Alexander, won the Nobel Chemistry Prize, so we all went over to Stockholm for the presentation, and REM did an impromptu concert... which was nice.

• Season Two, Episode One

• ...and we were in Harrod's, shopping for guavas, and we saw Kevin Kline, who gave me a lovely smile... which was nice.

• Season Two, Episode Two

• ...and I was at university with Hugh Grant, so he lent us his cottage in Provence, and we just spent the whole week pottering about in his battered old rubber dinghy... which was nice.

• Season Two, Episode Two

• ...and the same six numbers came up the following week, so that was another 3 million... which was nice.

• Season Two, Episode Three

• ...and Genevieve's uncle died unexpectedly and left me all his yachts. And then Tamara came running out of our Somerset house, as fast as her little legs could carry her, to tell me I was a direct descendant of Kublai Khan... which was nice.

• Season Two, Episode Four

• ...and I was rummaging around in the attic, and I found the original copy of the Bible... which was nice.

• Season Two, Episode Five

• ...and unfortunately, I left my fingerprints all over the handle, so it looks like I'll be going down for 15 years... which is a shame.

• Season Two, Episode Seven

• ...when I was a very small boy, one hot midsummer afternoon, in the garden. I was sitting very still in my play-tent, and something made me look up. And I saw a hob-goblin... sitting in Daddy's wheel-barrow... which was nice.

• Season Three, Episode One

• ...and Louise and I met at university, and it really was love at first sight. We couldn't wait to get married, and children just sort of happened, you know? And we've been really lucky, we're still friends and lovers, even after fifteen years. And last Tuesday, Louise had her first orgasm... which was nice.

• Season Three, Episode Two

• ...and all my environmental proposals were accepted at the Earth Summit, by the Americans and the developing nations, even though it was just an off-the-cuff remark about greenfly... which was nice.

• Season Three, Episode Six

• ...and yay, all the prophecies were fulfilled. And verily black was white. And all the rivers of the world ran with milk, and honey, and wine. And green were the valleys. And Seraphim, Lord of Ellehim, and the Nazarim on high. And death; and war; and pestilence; and famine; and hypocrisy; and envy, and greed, were banished, for all eternity... which was nice.

• Season Three, Episode Seven

• ...and then they made me their chief... which was nice.

• ...so they named the hospital after me... which was nice.

• ...and I looked at the formula again, and noticed that I'd put a decimal point in the wrong place. So I corrected it and discovered that I really had found a cure for cancer... which was nice.

• ...and then, at the very last moment, I let go of the 747's undercarriage, and dropped onto the roof of the chasing police car, still holding the uranium... which was nice.

The Religious Coppers

Season Two, Episode Seven

[Woman enters police station in distress and approaches the counter.]

Woman: Excuse me, can you help me I've just come from the park. Someone just came up and took off with my dog.

Les (a desk sergeant): Right, yes, hold on there a minute madam. (Turns to second copper) George - there's a lady here says she's looking for eternal salvation in our lord.

George (another desk sergeant): Another convert serge?

Woman: I didn't say that. I said someone came up and took off with my dog.

Les: Right scratch that George, she's changed her mind. A dog you say madam, right what's its name.

Woman: It's a she. She is called Jess, Jess.

Les: (writes down) So that's J-E-S-U-S.

Woman: No. She's called Jess and you've just written Jesus.

Les: So I have, still it's a lovely word isn't it. Jesus.

George: Jesus. He died for all our sins you know madam.

Les: Oh right, sorry madam so you say you were in the park when you lost little Jessie.

George: Would that be the park by the church madam?

Woman: No, the one by the lake.

George: Yeah, but you can see the church of our lady from there though can't you madam?

Les: Can you? In that case madam would you have been able to hear the faithful singing from there something like this 'kum ba yah, my lord, kum ba yah'. Would you have been able to overhear anything like that madam.

Woman: I suppose so.

Les: Hmm. And if you had heard it how loudly would they have been singing? Would it have been something like (sings softly) 'kum ba yah, my lord, kum ba yah. kum ba yah, my lord, kum ba yah' or would it have been more sort of (both sing enthusiastically) 'Oh lord, kum ba yah'.

Woman: Right, umm look, if they had been singing, from where I was it would have been about as loud as something like (sings softly) 'kum ba yah, my lord, kum ba yah, kum ba yah, my lord, kum ba yah'.

Les and George (join in with a guitar and tambourine) 'kum ba yah, my lord, kum ba yah,'kum ba yah, my lord, kum ba yah. Oh lord kum ba yah'.

Ted (a third copper who walks in) Another convert for the lord Les?!

Les: Could be Ted!

Ted Hallelujah!

(Les and George hug each other, woman looks annoyed)

Les: Now madam, this person that took your dog. Can you give us a description of the man who took your dog.

Woman: He was quite tall and had sort of long straggly hair with a sort of beard.

(George whispers in Les's ear)

Les: That's right George, it does sound a little bit like Jesus.

Woman: Look, are you two going to do anything to help me.

Les and George both: Yes.

Woman: And don't say 'Yes we're going to pray'.

George: No it's alright. Now did this man... (George gasps) Oh my goodness, I've just been overwhelmed by the love of our lord.

Les: Wonderful when that happens it's it.

Woman: Look I don't wish to appear cynical but someone has stolen my dog and I want to know if you're going to do anything about it.

Les: Well actually madam something here apparently we arrested a man earlier today that matches the description you just gave us.

Woman: Well that's marvelous news.

Les: And even better news we forgave him and let him go.