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The Cleveland Show/Season 1


Seasons: 1 2 3 4 | Main

The following is a list of quotes from the first season of The Cleveland Show.

PilotEdit

[Cleveland and Cleveland Jr. have left Quahog to mark the beginning of "The Cleveland Show"]
Stewie: What the hell? He's gettin' his own show?

Rallo: Well aren't we the Black Brady Bunch?
Cleveland: Except I'm not a gay architect, and my wife's not sleeping with my son!
[everyone laughs]
Cleveland Jr.: Not yet!

Cleveland: Ahhhh a Bear!
Tim: Ahhhh a Black Man! Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it?

Rallo: Oh I know y'all ain't leaving without making these beds.

Da Doggone Daddy-Daughter Dinner DanceEdit

[Cleveland is in his own Men's Warehouse Commerical]
Cleveland: I'm gonna like the way I look...I guarantee it.

The One About FriendsEdit

Cleveland: Hasta la possum, baby!

Birth of a SalesmanEdit

Cleveland Jr.: No, put under the corners just like Mommy did it.
Rallo: Fuck, dude.

Cleveland Jr.: [as the group throws a joke at Cleveland Jr. as part of a comedy roast, to try and get him to cry] That's cruel without even knowing the reference.

Cleveland Jr.'s Cherry BombEdit

[Federline Jones slaps Cleveland Jr.]
Cleveland Jr.: I may be a virgin, [angrily pulls on Federline's gold necklace] but I'll kick your ass if you do that again!

Priest: All across this great land, teenagers are takin' a pledge: The Purity Pledge, to hand over their virginities to their fathers, the high priests of the home.
Cleveland: Hear that? I'm the high priest of our home. I would like roast beef for dinner.
Donna: Shut the fuck up!

Cleveland: [grabs Federline's hat and hits him with it] BAD HORMONE-RIDDEN ADOLESCENT! BAD, BAD, BAD!

Ladies' NightEdit

Cleveland: Last minute check: any chives in my teeth? [he shows teeth, which are covered with chives]
Donna: They're all over! What have you been eating?
Cleveland: Chives.

A Brown ThanksgivingEdit

Auntie Momma: And now that my work here is done, I better leave before I turn into a blumpki.

From Bed to WorseEdit

Roberta: I can't believe we're stuck in this motel for another night! Nothing exciting has ever happened in a D.C. hotel!
Raymond: Didn't Marion Barry get caught smoking crack at a D.C. hotel?
Roberta: Okay, yeah, but besides that.
Raymond: Didn't Reagan get shot at a D.C. hotel?
Roberta: Besides that.
Raymond: Watergate happened at a hotel, I know that.
Roberta: I know, I know.
Raymond: And didn't Eliot Spitzer--
Roberta: [cutting him off] Okay, whatever! The point is we need to go out and find a party.
Oliver: Hey, guys, I got the idea. We need to go out to find a party!
Federline: Yo, Oliver's right. There are so many bummed spots out there where I can get the crowd jumpin' with my demo! There's a fat beat on top of it, I'm going like [beatboxing], then I'd do, "Federline! Federline! JOONES!" It's hot, y'all. Peace.

A Cleveland Brown ChristmasEdit

Kendra: "You freak it you buy it." [pointing to the Christmas tree]

Donna: It's like my great grandmother used to say, "A lie is just an upside down truth."
Cleveland: What?! [to self] Can I trust Donna?

Cleveland: "Fred Peterson raped old ladies?!"

Rallo: Dear Santa: [clears throat] Fuck you and fuck Christmas.
Arianna the Bear (to Tim): This is what happens when you let a Jew run a Christmas pageant.

(after Rallo derails the toy train by putting a Santa doll on the tracks)

Reporter: Blood on the tracks in Holidaytown where for 68 passengers, a routine train ride to Gum Drop Village instead took a detour to Gum Drop country morgue. And now over to Dirk with sports.
Dirk: Better make that 2 massacres today. The Holidaytown Celebrators were shut out eight to nothing. A bad day indeed for pretend, cake figurine baseball.

Field of StreamsEdit

Cleveland: Hey Junior, watch are you watching? The Cleveland Show?

Cleveland: What are you doing up there?
Cleveland Jr.: Larry the Leopard told me to climb the bookcase.
Cleveland: Fourteen. You're fourteen! Now, get down here. I got something I want you to have.
Cleveland Jr.: Wow, number 9? I thought when you left, they retired it for good.
Cleveland: I'm Brett Favre-ing it, except I'm not being a public jagoff about it.

The Fluffers (to the tune of We Built This City by Jefferson Starship): We built this ballpark/We built this ballpark on a gay dude's ca-ash!

Principal Wally (after Raymond high-fives one of his stoner friends): Watch the height of that five. All fives must be shoulder height or below.

Love RollercoasterEdit

Cleveland Jr.: I've never been friends with a girl before. Is it true you guys clap your breasts together, like a seal?
Tyra: No!
Cleveland Jr.: Thanks a lot, Wikipedia.

Ms. Eck: You know, I used to be quite doable myself.
Roberta: So what happened?
Ms. Eck: I turned 30.

Lester: I got bit by the inventing bug myself. Among other bugs. And crabs.

Rallo: You'd be amazed how many people on the internet wanna meet a five-year-old boy!

Cleveland: What the hell kind of comedy high school are you going to, anyway?

Nerd: This is still pretty cool!

Nerd: Who are you?
Tyra: I'm Fat Girl.

Federline: Know what I'm sayin', Omega Moo?

Our GangEdit

[Cleveland shoots a hole in the ceiling, and then the ceiling cracks revealing Chris Griffin]
Chris: Hi, Cleveland!
Cleveland: Go back to Quahog!
Chris: Okay.

Buried PleasureEdit

Cleveland: Ah, Stoolfest! That magical time of year when hobos and drug addicts are dressed up like clowns, and allowed to operate dangerous rides!

Cleveland: [about Jane] We tried to get her to stop hitting Holt and she beat the respective craps out of us.
Donna: She... beat up all of you?
Cleveland: Well, what were we supposed to do? We can't hit a girl.
Donna: Well, I understand. I never hit a girl, either. But I will smack the white off a bitch!
[she punches Jane]
Donna: Nobody hurts my man!

Tim: Did she agree to stay away from Holt?
Cleveland: Did does it look like it, Boo-Boo?

Cleveland: I'm gonna go tell Jane to say good-bye to my little friend!

The Curious Case of Jr. Working at The StoolEdit

Cleveland Jr.: I'm going to get evil with that candy-ass son of a motherfucking bitch.

Cleveland Jr.: MOO.

Once Upon a Tyne in New YorkEdit

Cleveland: Good evening. In an effort to keep with these, our ever-changing times, tonight's episode of The Cleveland Show is presented in 2-D. If you wear glasses due to near-sightedness or astigmatism, put them on....NOW.

[Lester's limo driving away with Tyne chasing them and the kids realize they missed their ride]
Rallo: Aw, shit!

The Brown KnightEdit

Dan Rather: Hello, I'm Dan Rather, news veteran of 44 years, now reduced to co-hosting a local talk show. Just waiting to die, really. I stopped taking my heart pills this morning, so... any day now.

Cleveland Jr.: Don't worry, Daddy. I'm gonna feed you, and wash you and change you, just like you did when I was a baby.
Cleveland: Thank you, Junior. [whispers] Don't let him do any of those things to me, Donna!
Donna: Junior, can you give us some alone time?
Cleveland Jr.: Okay. I'll go down to pediatrics and look at the chicken people.

Gone with the WindEdit

Cleveland: Smells like a Denny's in here, but without the old man stink.
Rallo: You got that covered.
Cleveland: No, I smell like a middle-aged man: Propecia, hot wings, and night sweats from our adjustable-rate mortage, now pass those eggs.
Donna: Uh-uh. Remember what Dr. Fist said about your cholesterol?
Cleveland: Yes, he said it was "appalling" and "life-threatening". Uh, pass the eggs.
Donna: This is your breakfast, Cleveland. The same breakfast you've been eating for the past two weeks.
Cleveland: More twigs?
Donna: Fiber Twigs-The cereal that lowers your cholesterol.
Cleveland: Aah! I got a splinter!
Roberta: 'Cause you got a mouthful of wood, like usual.
Cleveland: Huh? Oh.
[both Roberta and Cleveland laugh. Then Cleveland pushes Roberta and grabs her plate of food]

Rallo: Heat rises, I smell nothing!
[Cleveland Jr. lifts him up]
Rallo: AH! AAHHHHH!

Brotherly LoveEdit

Cleveland: You were the best bitch I ever had.
Terry: And you were one cold pimp.
Cleveland: Thanks. I'm sorry I set you up with all those men.

Donna: Where did you get that huge wad of cash?
Cleveland: What? A man can't sneak into his house in the middle of the night, carrying a huge, suspicious-looking wad of cash, without his wife nagging him? Geez!

Cleveland Jr.: [to Chanel] Sorry he's so cranky. He was up til 7:15 last night.
Rallo: Oh, thanks! Anybody else wanna take a shot?
Donna: Rallo, are you bothering the big kids? Come here, I need to give you your diarrhea medicine.
[Cleveland Jr. and Chanel laugh]
Rallo: [to Cleveland Jr.] You are in for a world of hurt, buffalo butt!
Donna: What did you call me?
Rallo: No, not you, mo-[Donna grabs his ear] Aaaarrggh!

Chanel: [sighs] This is so hard. I don't know how to find a se-can't of a triangle.
Cleveland, Jr.: Well. Hold on then, se-can't. [laughs, then Chanel joins in]
Roberta: Hey, is that Chanel Williams chopping it up with my steppity-bro?
Federline: I think you mean step-brizzle. [he and Roberta laugh; they all laugh until Cleveland comes in]
Cleveland: [bursts the door open] There's been a gas leak!
[Cleveland, Jr., Chanel, Roberta and Federline keep laughing until he pushes them out]
Contractor: Leave the batteries in your carbon monoxide detector from now on.
Cleveland: When your wife says she'll use them in front of you, you find some batteries.
[they both laugh]

Brown History MonthEdit

Rallo: I'll just go ahead and be one of the other black presidents. Actually, I want to be the first black president. Who was it?
Mrs. Lowenstein: Rallo, Barack Hussein Obama is the first black president.
Rallo: What? Washington wasn't black?
Mrs. Lowenstein: No.
Rallo: Jefferson?
Mrs. Lowenstein: No.
Rallo: If Rutherford B. Hayes wasn't a brother, I don't know what's up!

Rallo: [to Cleveland] You're worse than Uncle Thomas the Tank Engine.
[cut to the Island of Sodor]
Thomas: I'd reckon I'll take you where these here tracks go, sir.
Sir Topham Hatt: Thank you, Uncle Thomas. You're a clean, articulate train.
Thomas: Just get yo' white ass on board.
Sir Topham Hatt: What's that, Thomas?
Thomas: [stammers] Uh... Choo-choo!

Cleveland's AngelsEdit

Cleveland: I just keep winning! I feel like a homeowner before 2008 (no jobs)!

Holt: I'm riding through them dirt roads and let me show you how I work them dirt hoes.

You're the Best Man, Cleveland BrownEdit

[Peter and Quagmire appear at the end of the episode during Freight Train and Cookie's wedding]
Quagmire: Well, they made it through the whole season. Now can I have my own show, Peter?
Peter: Quagmire, you're a rapist.
[Quagmire mutters]

Contents

External linksEdit