One thing about being a cabbie is that you don't have to worry about being fired from a good job.
We're arguing because we care too much, and we're breaking up because we don't care enough.
[Alex sleeps with mechanic Latka's mother, then explains to fellow driver Elaine the next day]: I just couldn't help it. When we were alone, she turned into an animal - a great one.
[Trying to convince Louie not to antagonize Bobby] It's not hard to make people feel bad about their lives. What's hard is making people feel good about their lives.
I know what love is 'cuz' I watch talk shows. Love is the end of happiness!
Whenever I hear the word "marriage," I say, "Check, please!"
[Jim Ignatowski brings a racehorse he purchased to work with him.] Get that ugly, flea-ridden, stinking animal out of my garage, and tell him to take his horse with him!
[When a driver quits for a better opportunity] He'll be back. They all come back. There's only one person who ever made it out of this garage, and that was James Caan...and he'll be back!!
Hey, Alex - You know the really great thing about television? If something important happens, anywhere in the world, night or day... you can always change the channel.
If you find yourself in a confusing situation, simply laugh knowingly and walk away.
[On boxing] The ability to witness two men stand toe to toe in the spirit of sportsmanship and pummel each other into insensibility is what separates us from the animals.
I wonder about things, like, if they call an orange an "orange", then why don't we call a banana a "yellow" or an apple a "red"? Blueberries, I understand. But will someone explain gooseberries to me?
[Reminiscing about Woodstock] I wore flowers in my hair and meditated for hours on end. I was finding God all over the place. He kept ditching me.
[Working as a door-to-door salesman, Jim reads from a written script.] Good afternoon, "Mr. and/or Mrs. Fill in Name of Couple." I'm "Fill in your name", but you can call me "Nickname."
[End of Jim's eulogy for his pet horse, Gary] In his heart he was still a 2 yr old. When your legs give out it's nice to have people around that understand what is in your heart.
Louie: Do you know what the difference is between people like you and people like me, Nardo?
Alex: Yeah, two million years of evolution.
Bobby: We were wondering if you would join us for a few minutes?
Jim: Well, what did you decide?
Jim: You know, you really need to clean up those bathrooms.
Alex: You just came from the kitchen.
Jim: Thank God.
Alex: Jim, when are you finally going to have some pride and stand up for yourself?
Jim: August!
Jim: What did you win that trophy for?
Alex: For making a fool of myself.
Jim: Why doesn't anyone tell me about contests like that?
[Elaine learns that her friend got so intoxicated, she ended up sleeping with Louie.]
Elaine[to Louie]: Poor Emily. It's so sad that she mixed drugs and alcohol and spent the night with you...when most people only die.
Louie: What're you listening to, Banta?
Tony: I can be here if I want to.
Louie: No, you can't.
Tony: This is America, Louie.
Louie: No, it isn't.
Tony: It isn't?
Louie: No! This is 'Louieland'. You want America, go outside!
[Louie has an argument with his girlfriend.]
Zena Sherman: You got an attitude problem, you got a personality problem, you got a sensitivity problem, you got an emotional problem, you got a maturity problem, you got a sexual problem...
Louie: What do you mean?
Zena: That's all you think about!
Louie: And that's the problem?
Zena: Yeah.
Louie: Whew!
Louie: Jim, your father is no longer with us.
Jim: He never was. He lives in Boston.
Louie: No, I mean, he's gone on to his final resting place.
Jim: A condo in Palm Beach?
Louie: Ignatowski! Where have you been all week?
Jim: I don't work weekends.
Louie: You been gone nine days!
Jim: Yeah...
Tony: Jim, weekends are only two days.
Jim: Oh, I thought we'd switched to the metric system.
Jim: Yeah, I did some drugs, though probably not as many as you think. How many drugs do you think I did?
Elaine: A lot.
Jim: Wow! Right on the nose!
Tony: You mean, they didn't tell you they were going to tear down your apartment building?
Jim: Well, you put up with a few minor inconveniences when you live in a condemned building.
Jim: Yep, half a million people gathered together in peace and harmony, grooving to Joni and The Who. Hey, you know, if I hadn't gone, there would have only been 499,999 people. Lucky for them I went.
Joni Mitchell actually canceled her appearance at Woodstock; she later stated it was one of the biggest regrets of her life.
Alex: Jim, when I said you were a flake, I meant you'd done some weird things.
Jim: Name one.
Alex: You lived in a condemned building for five years.
Jim: You're confusing flakiness with style!
Alex: You kept a horse named Gary in your bedroom.
Jim[condescendingly]: Not everyone has a guest room, Alex.
[In a flashback, Latka explains to his mother why he wants to emigrate to America]
Latka: In America, a man can become another O.J. Simpson!
Greta Gravas: Who is O.J. Simpson?
Latka: The JUICE!
[The cabbies hire a hooker to marry Latka so he won't be deported.]
Vivian Harrow: Honey, I've been everything from Little Bo Peep to Darth Vader.
[Latka's prostitute "wife" leaves after the wedding ceremony.]
Latka: No honeymoon?
Alex: No, Latka.
Latka: Boy, America's a tough town!
[Louie reveals his mother needs an operation.]
Elaine: What's wrong with her?
Louie: Female problems - she's starting not to look like one.
Elaine: Jim, what are you doing here? Where did this model castle come from?
Jim: It's yours, I made it for you. See Elaine, your fairy tale can come true. Look here's your castle, and your prince awaits. Elaine, I know I'm not the most glamorous guy in the world but....
Elaine: You are truly a sweet decent man.
Jim: Once there was a time when that was enough.
Louie: Mr. Rieger isn't here right now. Would you like to wait in my office?
Charlotte Reiger: I'd rather be the only woman on a Greek freighter!
[While Tony is away, Bobby's neglect causes the deaths of his beloved goldfish.]
Alex: They're dead, Bobby. They're dead.
Bobby: Well, I guess it was just their time, huh?
Alex: Together?? At the same time?
Bobby: I don't know! Maybe it was one of those murder/suicide things.
[At work, Tony stops speaking to Bobby after the death of his goldfish.]
Bobby: Hey Tony, how much did you book?
[Tony ignores him.]
Louie: He booked $90, fish-killer.
[A woman cabbie and Latka are in a stalled cab during a blizzard. Latka takes off most of his clothes and gives them to her to keep her warm.]
Cindy Bates: It's very simple, Latka. Either you have sex with me, or you freeze to death.
Latka[contemplating]: Sex...death. Sex...death. Why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself?
[Due to a misunderstanding, Elaine is dating a man who is actually attracted to Tony. Alex advises Tony to tell him he has to be truthful with Elaine.]
Alex: I don't understand, why can't you do it?
Tony: I can't be alone with him! I'm the one he spends tortured nights dreaming about!
Alex: He said that?
Tony[shrugging]: No, I'm just assuming.
Elaine[to Louie, who has entered the garage in an extremely upbeat mood]: Well, what are you so happy about?
Louie [happily]: Well, if you really wanna know...I had a big fight with my mother last night, and I really let her have it. She didn't know what hit her!
Alex: Well, congratulations, Louie -- you did a job on your mother. [In an announcer-type voice] Now, it's Miller time.
[Louie is uncomfortable with the idea of a Japanese man dating his mother.]
Louie: Have you ever known another woman?
Itsumi Fujimoto: Of course! I am eighty-three years old. Who hasn't known another woman at my age?
Louie: All right, don't bite my head off. [Stands up and calls across the restaurant] Ma, you can't marry this old geezer -- he's pillowed half the Orient!
[Tony seeks advice on how to break up with his possessive girlfriend.]
Tony: Alex, did you ever have to break up with a woman? What am I saying -- you was married. Do you remember what you said to your wife to break up with her?
Alex: Yes, I remember what I said -- I said, "Why is that man wearing my pajamas?"
[Elaine receives a $100 tip from Mike Belden, played by Tom Selleck, after turning down his offer to spend the night together after an hours-long cab ride.]
Elaine: What would you have given me if I'd stayed the night?
Mike: Fond memories.
Louie[eavesdropping on the cab's radio]: You're better off with the hundred bucks.
[Tony is meeting with the Brennans, a wealthy couple with whom he is competing for custody of a disabled child, and brings Alex with him for moral support.]
Mrs. Brennan: So, Mr. Banta, what do you do for a living?
Tony: I'm a cab driver right now. But what I really want to do is become a prizefighter.
Mr. Brennan: And what about your friend, Mr. Reiger?
Tony: Alex is a cab driver too.
Mr. Brennan: Really? And what is it you really want to do?
Alex: Quit.
Alex[to Latka's mother]: Is this your first visit to New York?
Greta Gravas: Yes! Want to see everything -- garbage strike, blackout... urban blight!
