Taxi (TV series)

Taxi (1978-1982 on ABC, 1983 on NBC) is an award-winning sitcom about the staff of a New York City taxicab company who go about their job while they dream of greater things.

Season 1

Like Father, Like Daughter [1.01]

Elaine: 'Scuse me. My name's Elaine Nardo. They told me to ask for Louie.

Louie: Yes, ma'am, I'm Louis De Palma. I hope there's no trouble. If there is, I'll be glad to help in any way I can.

Elaine: No, no, it's just that they told me I'd be starting work today as a driver. Oh, here's my hack license.

Louie: You're a cab driver?

Elaine: Uh-huh.

Louie: Whaddaya mean bustin' my chops here makin' believe you're a regular person?

---

Elaine: [on first meeting Alex] I'm only going to be working here part-time. I'm not really a taxi driver.

Alex: Oh yeah, I know. We're all part-time here. You see that guy over there? Now, he's an actor. The guy on the phone, he's a prize fighter. This lady over here, she's a beautician. The man behind her, he's a writer. Me? I'm a cab driver. I'm the only cab driver in this place.

One-Punch Banta [1.02]

Louie: Hey, hey, ya wanna great tip? Here it is: Never pick up a cripple.

Elaine: Louie! That is the rottenest thing I ever heard. Y'know, I'm not even gonna bother to tell you why, but first of all, you don't call them "cripples," you call them "handicapped persons."

Louie: You're right. I'm embarrassed. Okay, John, forget what I said. The people you should never pick up are handicapped persons. The reason is in the time it takes you to help one of them in and out of your cab, you could pick up maybe ten guys who could get in and out all by themselves. So, no handicapped persons. Cabs are only for people who can walk.

Alex: You have to forgive Louie, he's himself today.

---

Tony: Maybe I won't be the first guy to make it out of the garage, but I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna get a rematch with this guy, and I'm gonna be right back here fightin'!

Alex: And I'm gonna be right back here managing you.

Bobby: And I'm gonna be right here rootin' for ya.

Elaine: And I'm gonna be here.

John: And I'm gonna be here.

Louie: And I'm gonna be here... makin' a fortune.

Blind Date [1.03]

Tony: Angela? From your answering service? Oh, she's a peach. One night she and I discussed my boxing career. Y'know, we never even met, and still we must have talked for around five minutes.

Louie: That's longer than most of your fights last.

---

Elaine: I mean, I can't believe you. You wouldn't go out with a woman if she wasn't good looking?

Bobby: Sure I would... if I was real drunk or somethin'.

Tony: Hey, c'mon, Elaine. Looks matter to women, too. How popular are short, pudgy, ugly men?

Bobby: Yeah, how popular, Louie?

Louie: Y'know, Bobby, I hope someone slams a door on your nose and you sneeze and your head explodes.

Men Are Such Beasts [1.10]

Tony: Do you remember what you said to your wife to break up with her?

Alex: Yeah, I remember what I said. I said, "Why is that man wearing my pajamas?"

Memories of Cab 804: Part 1 [1.11]

Louie: I hope you don't mind me saying this, but your mother is a very attractive woman. She's got some nice bagonzas.

Kid: What are bagonzas?

Louie: How old are you?

Kid: Twelve.

Louie: Bagonzas are feet!

---

Bobby: [remembering cab 804] That cab was like a good luck charm to me. I was in that cab when I got held up.

Elaine: That was luck?

Bobby: I lived!

Memories of Cab 804: Part 2 [1.12]

Latka: [after seeing the damage to Cab 804] I quit!!

Louie Sees the Light [1.16]

Louie: [to Bobby after finding out he made a bet over whether or not he would change his ways and hanging him on a hook] You scum! You lowlife! You creep! I'm gonna make you regret the day you were born! I'm gonna make sure that every night, you get the dirtiest, smelliest cab in the garage, and if there isn't one that's dirty and smelly, then I'm gonna get in and smelly and dirty it up myself! In the wintertime, your cab will have no heater! In the summertime, your windows won't roll down! I'm gonna make you the second most miserable cab driver in all of New York City! [Walks towards his office, but briefly stops] The MOST miserable cab driver in all of New York City is whoever lets him down or feeds him!

Hollywood Calling [1.21]

Roger Chapman: [addressing all the cabbies at the Sunshine Cab Co] We're going to make a movie about cab drivers, and the reason we're here is, we want reality. Not Hollywood reality. We want real, reality. So we want to live with you guys. We want to eat with you and talk with you, and get inside your heads. Why don't you forget we're from Hollywood, and forget we're even making a movie. We're just some people who would like to find out what it's like to drive a cab. Now, anybody have any questions?

[Tony raises his arm enthusiastically]

Roger Chapman: Okay, you.

Tony: How'd they part the Red Sea in the Ten Commandments?

---

Roger Chapman: Listen, there's something I'd like to ask you.

Louie: Shoot.

Roger Chapman: Well, we've heard that certain dispatchers will take advantage of their positions by taking bribes, you know shaking down drivers, that sort of thing. Is there any truth in that?

Louie: What's it worth to you to find out?

Roger Chapman: I think you just answered my question, thank you.

Season 2

Louie and the Nice Girl [2.01]

Louie: We're splittin' up. Good bye!

Zena Sherman: Why?

Louie: You really wanna drag this out, don't ya?

Zena Sherman: I just wanna know why.

Louie: Why? [he thinks] There's someone else.

Zena Sherman: Oh. I see. Who?

Louie: Who? [he thinks] Donna Summer. We had a little spat before I met you. I couldn't take the pressure, the racial thing! And besides she's always shaking it in front of other guys and it got to me! I told her: I don't want you moanin' on records anymore! This morning she gave me a call...

Zena Sherman: Stop it Louie! Just don't make up stories! I think I deserve better than that.

Reverend Jim: A Space Odyssey [2.03]

Bobby: [helping Jim fill out the form for the driving test] Have you ever experienced loss of consciousness, hallucinations, dizzy spells, convulsive disorders, fainting, or periods of loss of memory?

Reverend Jim: Hasn't everyone?

Elaine: Put no.

Bobby: Mental illness or narcotic addiction?

Reverend Jim: That's a tough choice.

Elaine: Put no!

Bobby: OK, that's it! You're ready for the test.

Reverend Jim: I thought that was the test!

---

[Jim is taking his driver's test]

Reverend Jim: Psst. What does a yellow light mean?

Bobby: Slow down.

Reverend Jim: OK. What... does... a... yellow... light... mean?

Bobby: Slow down!

Reverend Jim: OK. Wwwwhhhaaaat dooeesss aaaa yyyeeeellllowwww lllliiiight mmmmeeeannn?

Bobby: Slow down!

Reverend Jim: OK. Wwwwwwhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaat dddddddoooooooeeeeeesssssssss aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa yyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllloooooooowwwwwwwww liiiiiiiiiigggggghhhhhtt mmmmmeeeeeeaaaaaan?

The Apartment [2.09]

Elaine: [after getting out of the jacuzzi] I'm so relaxed I can't remember what tension and unhappiness feel like.

Maid: There's a mister Louie De Palma here to see you.

Elaine: I just remembered.

---

Elaine: Thanks so much Latka for sharing this with us.

Latka: You known in my country everyone shares with everyone.

Elaine: Oh that's beautiful.

Latka: Otherwise they shoot you.

Latka's Revolting [2.11]

Latka: Louie, why don't you come and join the party?

Louie: No.

[Louie turns to leave]

Alex: Hey Louie! You'd make us all feel miserable if you did.

Louie: Okay.

[Louie sits down at a table]

Elaine's Secret Admirer [2.12]

Elaine: Jim, what are you doing here? Where did this model castle come from?

Reverend Jim: It's yours, I made it for you. See Elaine, your fairy tale can come true. Look here's your castle, and your prince awaits. Elaine, I know I'm not the most glamorous guy in the world but...

Elaine: You are truly a sweet decent man.

Reverend Jim: Once there was a time when that was enough.

Louie Meets the Folks [2.13]

Alex: I'm not really a cab driver. I'm just waiting for something better to come along. You know, like death.

Jim Gets a Pet [2.14]

Reverend Jim: I take him out for walks in the park everyday.

Alex: I imagine you must get some funny looks uh.

Reverend Jim: Well those poodle people have stopped acting like they own the place.

The Reluctant Fighter [2.15]

Vince: Listen. I'm gonna need some help in Tony's corner fight night. Now, any of you guys work a fight?

Alex: I was married.

Vince: Close enough.

---

Tony: This is it. This is where Benny Foster works out.

Bobby: I'm kinda disappointed.

Alex: Why?

Bobby: It's the ex champ's gym. I thought it would smell different or something. Be a little classier.

Tony: Are you kidding? The stalls in the bathroom, they got doors.

Art Work [2.22]

Louie: [to white haired man at the auction] You better hope you don't spend your golden years at Sunset Acres.

---

The Auctioneer: Ladies and gentlemen, we're about to begin the auction. Our first item today will be a painting by Wallace Litiger entitled, Nude at Daybreak.

Tony: Alright!

Reverend Jim: [an unidentifiable modern art painting is placed on display] My God I know her! She's dyed her hair but that's her.

Season 3

Louie's Rival [3.01]

Reverend Jim: [having put a quarter in the cigarette machine instead of the jukebox] They haven't played my cigarette yet!

Tony's Sister and Jim [3.02]

Reverend Jim: Well, isn't this great, we've all learned something. Tony can't choose who his sister's gonna fall for, Monica can't choose who she's gonna fall for, and I think that I've learned the greatest lesson of all. I love being lifted.

---

Monica Banta: You must be Louie.

Louie: How did you know my name?

Monica Banta: I only had three people described to me. One was smart, one was good-looking, and one was you.

Fathers of the Bride [3.03]

Alex: [to his now-overweight ex-wife, at their daughter's wedding] Remember, you haven't lost a daughter - you've gained a ton.

Elaine's Strange Triangle [3.04]

Tony: Easy for you to say. You're not the one he spends tortured nights dreaming about.

Alex: He said that?

Tony: Nah, I'm just assuming.

Going Home [3.05]

Elaine: Jim, you changed your name TO Ignatowski?

Reverend Jim: Yeah, you know... it was the 60s and everyone was changing their names to stuff like Sunshine, Free, Moon Unit...

Alex: Well Jim, why Ignatowski?

Reverend Jim: Say it backwards.

Bobby: Iskwotangi.

Reverend Jim: Uh oh, that's not even close to Starchild, is it?

---

Louie: Ignatowski's got a father? There goes my spore theory!

The Ten Percent Solution [3.06]

Bobby: [talking on the phone with his agent about a possible acting role] Yeah I understand. Thanks for calling.

[puts down the phone followed by a long pause with his head down]

Tony: Oh, come on already, the suspense is killing me! Did you get it or not?

Louie: Banta, sometimes I wish you were smarter just so you know how dumb you are!

The Call of the Mild [3.07]

Alex: It's so quiet up here you can hear yourself think.

Reverend Jim: I don't hear anything.

---

[Jim hits his head]

Alex: Jim, are you alright?

Reverend Jim: Yeah... who are you?

Alex: I'm Alex. We're friends, we work together.

Reverend Jim: What are we, lumberjacks?

Alex: No, we're cabdrivers.

Reverend Jim: I bet we don't do much business up here!

Latka's Cookies [3.08]

Reverend Jim: Ooh, there are a nice little surprise inside.

Louie: What are you talking about?

Reverend Jim: Well, I could be wrong, but I detect something in here that's a lot more powerful than oatmeal.

Thy Boss' Wife [3.09]

Louie: I love this. A duel of wits between unarmed opponents.

Out of Commission [3.12]

Elaine: Maybe I'm insensitive but I don't see what the problem is, you know, I can't imagine missing that sport.

Bobby: Elaine, boxing is Tony's life. I mean it would be like me if I had to give up acting.

Elaine: But when you act, no one gets brutalized.

Louie: Only the playwright and anyone trapped in the theater.

---

Bobby: We got to tell him that boxing, it destroys your brain, it damages your nervous system, and it leaves you a stumbling, disoriented, pathetic wreck.

Reverend Jim: And if that's what he wants, there are easier ways of getting there.

Zen and the Art of Cab Driving [3.13]

Elaine: Dress is optional... He means how we dress, not if we dress, right?

Alex: No, I don't think so.

Elaine: Why?

Alex: [showing Elaine his invitation] Yours is the only one that says that.

---

Reverend Jim: [as he hands out invitations] Bobby, do you spell your name with one "o" or two?

Bobby: One.

Reverend Jim: I'll get it right next time, "Booby".

On the Job: Part 1 [3.18]

Reverend Jim: [as a traveling salesman] I'm "Fill in your name," but you can call me "Nickname."

Cast

• Judd Hirsch - Alex Reiger
• Danny DeVito - Louis De Palma
• Marilu Henner - Elaine Nardo
• Tony Danza - Tony Banta
• Jeff Conaway - Bobby Wheeler
• Christopher Lloyd - Reverend Jim Ignatowski
• Andy Kaufman - Latka Gravas
• Carol Kane - Simka Gravas (née Dahblitz)
• Randall Carver - John Burns

External links

• Taxi quotes at the Internet Movie Database