Sweet Valley High

Sweet Valley High (1994–1997) is a television series that originally aired in the United States. It follows twin sisters Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield, who are students at Sweet Valley High.

Season 1

What ,Me Study?

Jessica Wakefield: It works!

Manny Lopez: Does it ever?

---

Todd Wilkins: Forget it, Egman. She's a Pirahna. They eat their own!

---

(Mr. Russo accuses Jessica Wakefield of stealing his test)

Jessica Wakefield: You think I stole it?

Mr. Russo: From an F to an A? I'd like to believe you Jessica. But I'm a man of science. I don't believe in miracles.

Almost Married

Lila Fowler: Don't worry, Jess, you can rely on me.

Just a select few.

Lila Fowler: Big Party Tonight.

Here's the address.

Bring all your friends.

---

Lila Fowler: I would have brought more, but Sweet Valley U's on break.

Coma

Jessica Wakefield: Todd on a motorcycle. Somebody must be tampering with Sweet Valley's water source.

---

Jessica Wakefield: Get a grip Liz. Life is short.

---

Elizabeth Wakefield: They're so dangerous.

Todd Wilkins: Relax. Nothing's going to happen. (Prophetic Words)

---

(At the hospital, Jessica visits her sister Liz after the crash)

Jessica Wakefield: Liz.

It's me Jess.

You're looking good today.

And that's a good thing because we Wakefields have an image to keep up.

Especially with all these hunky doctors around.

---

Jessica Wakefield: You're more than just a sister to me.

You're a part of me.

And I'm a part of you.

I can't lose you.

---

Jessica Wakefield: Who does she think she is?

Attracting all this attention.

Lila Fowler: Yeah, that's our job.

---

Lila Fowler: Wow, she's even more you than you!

---

Winston Egbert: Please understand, who you're talking to

I get blown off on a daily basis!

---

Lila Fowler: You'll never believe who I just saw practicing mouth to mouth in the parking lot.

And I'm not talking C.P.R.

Bruce Patman and Elizabeth Wakefield

(Todd overhears)

Actually, I'm not sure if it was Liz.

I think it might have been someone who looked exactly like her.

Well, not Jessica.

Uh Oh Seven

---

She was a woman.

She was a spy.

She was Platinum Blonde.

Platinum Blonde: Afternoon, Mannypenny.

You're looking fit.

Mannypenny: Thank you, Platinum.

New Stepmaster.

Your Cafe Latte.

Extra foam.

Hmm. Kenyan Roast with a hint of East Indian Nutmeg.

Just west of the New Delhi region, I believe.

E: If you're through trading coffee-roasting secrets with my secretary, Blonde, let's get down to business.

---

Elizabeth Wakefield: My story's about a reverse universe.

The women play the men's roles and vice versa.

---

Pecs Galore: Paris, London, Washington.

All of the video machines have been delivered.

Goldfowler: Excellent.

Except for the one for Sweet Valley.

---

Goldfowler: How unfortunate you won't be around to see our little plan to fruition.

Pecs Galore: Yeah, especially since your hometown of Sweet Valley is next on our list.

Goldfowler: Shut up, Galore.

---

Goldfowler:Put them on the clock. Welcome to my samurai sushi clock, designed especially for untimely deaths, like yours.

Platinum Blonde: Sushi clock?

Goldfowler: A big seller in Asia. The second hand is this shiatsu filleting knife.

Platinum Blonde: That sounds like it would hurt.

Goldfowler: But wait, there's more. To add to your displeasure, we're also throwing in a handy-dandy slicer/dicer with stainless-steel blades.

Platinum Blonde: What? No fondue forks?

Goldfowler: Pity you won't be around for the fireworks, Blonde. But in exactly 20 seconds, I'm afraid you and your boyfriend are going to be sashimi. Sayonara, Blonde.

---

Photographic Evidence

Winston Egbert: We'll send you an 8 by 10.

---

(At the Moon Beach Cafe)

Jessica Wakefield: Why don't you get us a couple of burgers?

Lila Fowler: I see him too. Nice try.

---

Chad: Well, this is a coincidence!

Jessica Wakefield: I like to think of it as fate.

---

Elizabeth Wakefield: Since it made the news, Boner has been seen more times than Elvis.

---

Lila Fowler: You don't have the picture.

Jessica Wakefield: When Chad sees me, he won't be focusing on anything else.

---

Elizabeth Wakefield: Jess, what are you doing?

Jessica Wakefield: I wanted to borrow your thesaurus.

Todd Wilkins: Are you alright?

Jessica Wakefield: Yeah, I'm fine.

---

Elizabeth Wakefield: New guy?

Jessica Wakefield: Yeah, but I'm sure you don't have time to listen to my boystories.

---

Todd Wilkins: You're brilliant, Egman

Winston Egbert: Elementary, my dear Wilkins.

---

(Jessica is threatened with a gun by Chad)

Chad: Come on, come on

Jessica Wakefield: I'm trying to remember her combination

Er, it's a little hard to think with a gun pointed at me.

---

Lila Fowler: Is there another number for 911?

This one's busy!

---

Chad: Where are the negatives?

Elizabeth Wakefield: Out in the BMW

Chad: Give me the keys

Todd Wilkins: Man, I've just had it detailed.

---

Chad: I'm going to take care of you and your phoney little friends.

Lila Fowler: Nobody calls me phoney.

---

Lila Fowler: Jessica, you've been on some bad dates in your time, but this takes the cake.

Club X

Bruce Patman: It's a guy thing, Jess!

They don't let in girls.

Jessica Wakefield: I guess that's why you're not in it.

---

Jessica Wakefield: I've got to figure out how to get into Club X.

Elizabeth Wakefield: Why?

Jessica Wakefield: It's called excitement, Liz.

You might want to try it some time.

---

Bruce Patman: Brilliant, Wakefield.

How's it feel to use your brain for a change.

Jessica Wakefield: Maybe some day you'll find out yourself, Bruce.

---

Todd Wilkins: Why should I lose?

Winston Egbert: Because you've grown an ego the size of Alaska.

---

Mr. Cooper: Mr. Patman, nice of you to drop in.

Poetic Injustice

Adam: Glad you guys could make it.

I've got all a poet could ask for:

Good words, good friends

and a flashing applause sign!

---

Jessica Wakefield: I wouldn't have missed it for the world!

I love poetry.

Adam: Really?

Are you into the classics.

Jessica: Oh, absolutely, I have all the Beatles CDs.

---

Adam: Oops...You're supposed to be learning.

And I'm supposed to be doing whatever it is they pay me to do.

---

Adam: Stick with me Jessica.

And I'll promise you a life of emotional fulfilment.

Creative frustration,

And, oh yeah, lots and lots of coffee!

---

Adam: The other night I met someone who inspired me.

---

Adam: And you're applause timing is greatly improved.

---

Lila Fowler: Oh

Enid Rollins: my

Patty Gilbert: God.

Elizabeth Wakefield: Jessica.

Lila Fowler: Who does she think she is? Cher.

---

Jessica Wakefield: Well, what do you guys thinK?

Adam: Couldn't have said it any better myself.

---

Bruce Patman: You've got the car.

You've got the looks.

What more could you possibly want?

Jessica Wakefield: A frontal lobotemy

---

Manny Lopez: Your quite the magician, Bruce.

You made her disappear.

---

Love on the Line

Winston Egbert: Kanichwa.

Todd Wilkins: Bless you.

Winston Egbert: I didn't sneeze. It's a Japanese greeting

---

Koichi: Winston, things aren't always what they seem.

In Japan, when you dislike somebody, you smile, nod and say Yes to everything they say.

---

Stolen Diary

Jessica Wakefield: Eight hours to pick out a wedding gift?

Where did you go?

Paris

---

Jessica Wakefield: Oh just what I wanted to do.

Spend an evening at home with Homer and Marge.

---

Elizabeth Wakefield: She's my sister!

Todd Wilkins: Great. I'll just grab a vine and swing on home.

---

Lila Fowler: Oh that's just Kris Sanders. He's harmless.

---

Koichi: That happened to me once.

Winston Egbert: What did you do?

Koichi: Move to America

---

Kris Sanders: Just because I got close to your girl in one night, than you have in a year close.

Todd Wilkins: She wouldn't be caught in the same Zip Code as you!

---

Jessica Wakefield: Come on that's ridiculous.

I mean we're talking about Liz here.

She's Mother Theresa in a miniskirt!

---

Working Girl

Jessica Wakefield: It's only a matter of time before I have my own line of clothing, cosmetics and perfume.

Todd Wilkins: Delusions by Jessica Wakefield

---

Jessica Wakefield: Sure, you'll learn to ask "Would you like fries with that?"

---

Dante: Terrific, we encourage go-getters around here.

Mona: Now, get me an espresso.

---

Heath: It's refreshing seeing someone take pride in their work.

I always say a job worth doing is a job worth doing well.

---

Heath: I couldn't afford to bring you the Opera, so I decided to bring the Opera to you.

---

Dante: If at first you don't succeed, than blah, blah, blah.

---

Bruce Patman: Lila, very impressive.

Lila Fowler: Well, I always say a job well done....is a job that you do...when you're doing a job.

---

Heath: Lila, you're incredible

How can I thank you?

Lila Fowler: Get the job!

---

Heath: You don't have to anything else for that rich sleazebag.

Lila Fowler: Heath, that rich sleazebag is my father!

---

Dancin' Fools

Jessica Wakefield: I'm going to be on Television!

Lila Fowler: I wouldn't set your VCRs just yet!

---

Franco: You look so much taller than last year!

Lila Fowler: That's because you're used to seeing her from the winner's stand.

---

Franco: Oh, listen up, girls.

I have some incredible news.

The Queen has beckoned me to her divine service.

Lila Fowler: Queen Elizabeth!!

Franco: No, Madonna.

She asked me to go on a round the world tour

---

Jessica Wakefield: Are you trying to humiliate me?

Franco: Si.

---

Say Goodbye

Winston Egbert: That's over 3000 miles away.

Todd Wilkins: Thanks for the geography lesson

---

Koichi: Yeah, I left my girlfriend back in Japan

We're still close.

Todd Wilkins: Really?

Koichi: In fact, I got a letter from her last week.

It was an invitation to her wedding.

---

Enid Rollins: Everyone wants to say goodbye.

After all, Vermont is all the way across the country.

Elizabeth Wakefield: Thanks for reminding me.

---

Elizabeth Wakefield: I'm coming to visit you on Thanksgiving.

Don't get too excited.

---

Jessica Wakefield: Yes, Vermont please.

The number for Fairmont Academy

---

Jessica Wakefield: I just called Todd and told him Liz was suffering from psychosomatic temporary paralysis, brought on by separation anxiety!

Lila Fowler: Huh

Jessica Wakefield: I saw it on General Hospital.

Lila Fowler: He bought that.

Jessica Wakefield: He's flying home.

---

Flight Attendant: Final boarding, Flight 146 to Burlington, Vermont.

Season 2

Summer Lovin

Jessica Wakefield: Liz, you've worked in a soup kitchen

Painted a church

And now your spearing trash on a stick.

What next?

World peace.

---

Bruce Patman: Nice volleyball game, Wakefield.

Where did you find Brunhilda?

---

Jessica Wakefield: It will definitely separate the winners from the...

From the...

Bruce Patman: Losers

Jessica Wakefield: Perfect name for your team

---

Enid Rollins: Todd loves you.

Obviously he didn't come back to Sweet Valley for the local seafood.

---

Bruce Patman: Good luck.

Jessica Wakefield: Luck is for the unprepared.

---

Enid Rollins: Oh man, that was seriously gross.

See ya.

---

Josh: I used to be a foot doctor.

Lila Fowler: Well, in the name of sweet science, continue.

---

Model Behavior

Tatyana Thomas: You mean there's two of you? My condolences to your parents.

---

Promotional Rescue

Lila Fowler: I'm going out on a limb.

Empty's not what we were going for, right.

---

Jessica Wakefield: All businesses need time to grow.

Lila Fowler: Well, it shouldn't be hard to grow from this.

---

Tatyana Thomas: Are you afraid it won't work?

Elizabeth Wakefield: No, I'm afraid it will!

---

Bruce Patman: My father's going to think I'm a complete failure.

Lila Fowler: Think?

---

Tatyana Thomas: Goodnight everybody.

---

IQ Commeth

Male Student: How long has mental illness run in your family?

Winston Egbert: About three years.

---

Jessica Wakefield: Wait a minute I'm going to be in a contest with a geek called Mortimer.

Mortimer Plunk: Hi I'm Mortimer Plunk.

Jessica Wakefield: Hi wijessfield, I mean Jessica Wakefield.

---

Mortimer Plunk: I'll meet you at the library.

I'll brush up on European history.

You take science.

Start with the theory of relativity.

Jessica Wakefield: No offence, Mortimer, but I don't think anyone cares about my relatives.

---

Jessica Wakefield: Where are you going?

I think it was Camus who put it best when he said.

Do you know where are you going to?

Do you like the things life is showing you?

Elizabeth Wakefield: Jess, I think that was Diana Ross.

---

Jessica Wakefield: Oh Liz, you're so negative.

While you see the glass half empty.

I see a glass half and half.

Fully.

Or something like that.

---

Jessica Wakefield: I don't understand.

How could that have happened?

Mr. Cooper: Well, it was someone's first day at the scoring centre.

And he got nervous.

Spilling his coffee all over the grading machine.

Jessica Wakefield: That idiot.

Well, was he fired?

Mr. Cooper: No, but he is switching to decaf.

---

Host: Name the despotic ruler of Italy during the 1940s

(Sound of a bell)

Host: Jessica?

Jessica Wakefield: Fettucine

Host: No, I'm sorry the correct answer was Mussolini.

---

False Possessions

Lila Fowler: The fumagation doesn't start till tomorrow.

But I'm just sick of those repulsive little creatures crawling around Fowler Manor.

Jessica Wakefield: Oh you know I hate bugs!

Lila Fowler: I was talking about the exterminators.

---

Enid Rollins: He made me feel tingly all over.

I thought we really had something.

Then I didn't hear from him for another six months.

Elizabeth Wakefield: Enid, he's your dentist!

---

Jessica Wakefield: Lila, this is incredible.

You're the best.

Lila Fowler: I am aren't I? Now I know how Mother Theresa feels.

---

Security Guard: Sure you were, and I'm the Queen of England.

A Fair To Remember

Elizabeth Wakefield: Nice shot. You should be a basketball player.

---

It's My Party and I'll Ditch It If I Want To

Winston Egbert: This projector will self-destruct in 5 seconds.

---

Male Harvard Friend: I think your comparison of Nietzsche's Superman to Machiavelli's The Prince is clearly misguided.

(Groan)

Female Harvard Friend: Anyone who knows the Prince would see the connection.

Jessica.

Jessica Wakefield: I think you mean the artist formerly known as Prince.

---

Bruce Patman: So Jess, you having a good time.

Jessica Wakefield: Couldn't be happier.

Bruce Patman: Me too.

The best.

You hate this just as much as I do, don't you?

Jessica Wakefield: What makes you say that?

Bruce Patman: You just built the Eiffel Tower out of sugarcubes.

---

Like Water for Hot Dogs

She grabs the binoculars.

---

Jessica Wakefield: I don't think we're in Kansas anymore Toto.

Spanish Language Tape: Ola Pepe, que est il

---

(Lila Fowler dressed up as Characters from The Wizard of Oz)

Jessica Wakefield as Dorothy

Lila Fowler as Glinda

Lila Fowler: Just close your eyes and tap your heels together three times.

Jessica Wakefield: Coma esta used?

Lila Fowler: And think to yourself "There's no place like home"

Jessica Wakefield: Donde esta la bano?

Lila Fowler: I'm a little muddled.

Jessica Wakefield: Ola Pepe, que est el?

Ay carumba

Qui pasa?

Enid esta muerta.

---

Todd Wilkins: I've been such an idiot!

Winston Egbert: Even I have to agree with that.

---

The Quick and the Blond

Vogue, let your body move to the music

---

Elizabeth Wakefield: Standing before me was my own flesh and blood twin sister, Jezemen

She had run away to live with outlaws 10 years ago.

Jessica Wakefield: Twins, no way!

---

(Jess and Liz find a picture that falls from the book)

Jessica Wakefield: Look, a picture of Jessie and Miss Lizzie.

Elizabeth Wakefield: The McWakefield Twins!

(Jess and Liz look at each other in utter disbelief)

---

Bruce Patman/ A Wakefield Twin: Well, you can't argue with history.

---

Mixed Doubles

Elizabeth Wakefield: Hi Lila...Bye Lila

---

Elizabeth Wakefield: Oh, what was that all about.

Jessica Wakefield: Only the deal of the century.

---

Enid Rollins: Gee, that sure doesn't look like my photo-journalistlic Barbie instamatic.

---

Tatyana Thomas: Pull up a chair!

We'll show you how it works.

(Enid pulls an empty chair from one of the desks and one bloke falls to the floor as he tries to sit)

---

Elizabeth Wakefield: How's the events calendar coming along?

Enid Rollins: One day at a time.

---

Jessica Wakefield: There's orange juice in the fridge and a fresh pot of coffee.

Elizabeth Wakefield: You know, I have a sister just like you.

Except usually I have to drag her out of bed.

---

Enid Rollins: Everything I touch goes wrong.

(She trips over a computer wire as she says

The computer wire turns someone's computer off

He frowns)

---

Reading, Writing, Rescue

---

Mr. Russo: Before we start, this is a list of chemicals you can't mix together.

Unless you want the school to blow up!

(Cheers)

On second thoughts, just don't mix them.

(Boos)

---

Enid Rollins: Let's just say David and I are on Russo's list of combustable chemicals.

---

Lila Fowler: What's the best thing about being on TV?

Jessica Wakefield: Looking cute of course.

---

Jessica Wakefield: I was brainwashed by these evil, glamorous women.

From Dynasty to Melrose Place to the short-lived Models Inc.

And I just hope that America finds it in their hearts

To forgive this poor, stunningly attractive young girl.

The War of the Pom Poms

Elizabeth Wakefield:

Heather, I'm glad I found you.

I'd like to interview you for an article.

It's called the Pom-Pom Wars.

Haha.

Heather: You might want to call it the Pom-Pom Massacre.

---

Sam Enchanted Evening

Todd Wilkins: Oh no.

Elizabeth Wakefield: What?

Todd Wilkins: Lila at 3 o'clock and closing fast

Elizabeth Wakefield: Is she coming for us?

Todd Wilkins: Like a Gucci sequined missile.

---

Totally Clueless

Lila Fowler: Don't worry, we'll send you a postcard from Bermuda.

Winston Egbert: It's the Bahamas.

Jessica Wakefield: Wait, isn't that where planes and stuff keep disappearing.

LILA/JESS: THE BAHAMA TRIANGLE

Winston Egbert: That's Bermuda

Lila Fowler: Where they make shorts.

---

Jessica Wakefield: Sure, as long as we do things the old fashioned way.

Lila/Jess: Cheating

---

Elizabeth Wakefield: Imagine the world problems we could solve if we just harness the energy those two spend on scheming.

---

Pool Shark: Watch. I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse.

---

Jessica Wakefield: I can't wait to see the master in action.

He reminds me of Marlon Brando in the Grandfather.

---

Win Sam, Lose Sam

(In art class, Lila presents a drawing of Munch's The Scream)

---

Tatyana Thomas: I especially love your blue period.

Lila Fowler: You mean Thursday.

---

Jessica Wakefield: I'm just glad you guys got to see the Sam I know.

---

One Big Mesa

Todd Wilkins: What's a football gam!

---

Jessica Wakefield: Oh well, like everything fashionable, it's back.

---

Big Mesa Cheerleader: I thought we were supposed to torture him.

Not the other way round

---

Ginger: You've given your last performance.

---

Jessica Wakefield: But I don't want to see Winston again.

---

Lila Fowler: And what a sad statement that is about our own lives.

---

Ginger: As soon as you give us your pig, we'll give you yours.

---

Jessica Wakefield: Oh yeah, the day I sing your fight song is the day you pass the fourth grade.

---

Rex: Wow, lay off the cigarettes, blondie.

---

Rex: What do you say me and you go up to Miller's Point after the game?

---

Todd Wilkins: I wore a skirt.

---

Sam Kind of Wonderful

Jessica Wakefield: Car washes haven't been cool since the 70s.

---

Lila Fowler: Have any of you seen a confused and dazed young woman?

Enid Rollins: I'm right here.

Lila Fowler: Not you.

---

Enid Rollins: You guys should check out the new aquarium.

Kendra/Lila: Aquarium.

Cheryl Thomas: It's a big building filled with fish.

---

Lila Fowler: Being invited on the Foxie Jones show is like being invited for brunch at Buckingham Palace.

---

Foxie Jones: If you get into a fight, it's fists only because our insurance doesn't cover people being hit by chairs.

---

Caller: What's your sign?

Elizabeth Wakefield: Pisces.

---

Enid Rollins: I haven't seen her like this since Bellbottoms came back into fashion.

---

Foxie Jones: You know why America loves twins?

Liz and Jess: Nope

Foxie Jones: Because they're exactly alike.

I want you girls to agree on everything.

Laugh at the same jokes.

Study the same subjects.

---

Elizabeth Wakefield: What's your top story?

Jessica Wakefield: This one.

The one on top.

---

Elizabeth Wakefield: And what's the circulation like?

Jessica Wakefield: Usually pretty good.

During Melrose Place, if I sit funny, my leg falls asleep.

---

(Liz is asked what her favourite School Subject is)

Elizabeth Wakefield: English

Jessica Wakefield: Yeah. Well I use it every day

---

Elizabeth Wakefield: Do you eat meat?

I'm a Vegetarian.

---

Enid Rollins: Oh my God, he had her killed, didn't he?

---

Lila Fowler: He had her transferred to a foreign office.

Enid, what have I told you about watching too much Scooby Doo.

---

Lila Fowler: I hear they have wonderful outlet shopping in Beirut.

---

A Look Back in Anecdotes

---

Jessica Wakefield: Sweet Valley just wouldn't be the same without us.

Season 3

Much Ado About Nachos

Lila Fowler: That is downright devious and unethical!

And I love it!

---

Jessica Wakefield: When you want something doing right

Lila Fowler: You have to pay someone to do it for you!

---

Elizabeth Wakefield: Something's wrong

Cheryl Thomas: That's because nobody's blamed Lila yet.

---

Shred Reckoning

Manny Lopez; This is going to be a great year.

(Pause)

Lila Fowler: This is going to be a terrible year.

---

Elizabeth Wakefield: If I do it, do you promise to be a rational human being?

---

Lila Fowler: And this is Patman Castle in England

---

(Lila imagines what Reggie is like)

Pretend Reggie: Lila, my dear, I own Diamond, Gold and Sapphire Mines..but I've never seen a jewel that sparkles like you!

---

Imperfectly Fit

Elizabeth Wakefield: I got it!

Todd Wilkins: Did you get the extra cheese?

Elizabeth Wakefield: Not the Pizza, Todd

That was Lucy Grier, the Editor of

The Sweet Valley Tribune.

---

Peter: So your fine tuning your journalism skills.

Elizabeth Wakefield: Yeah, they should be calling me about my Pulitzer Prize any minute now!

Peter: She's funny and ambitious.

---

Elizabeth Wakefield: For the record, I take milk, no sugar.

---

Tatyana Thomas: Hey

Did you guys run here from the mall?

Jessica Wakefield: No. The parking lot.

---

(Tat sees Jessica exercising on one of the bars at the Park.) (What Tat doesn't see from her position is that Jessica is standing on a table.)

---

Lila Fowler: Anyone can workout for 30 mins

---

Elizabeth Wakefield: We're lucky. Maybe tomorrow we'll get obituaries.

Peter: Hey, don't joke. People would die for that job!

(Peter and Liz begin to laugh at the joke.)

---

Peter: Male seeks companion for friendship.

My goldfish could come up with a better line.

---

Peter: So I see you've decided to do a little redecorating.

---

Jessica Wakefield: Sounds like a lot of work.

Lila Fowler: Have you ever crammed for an exam?

Jessica Wakefield: No

---

Enid Rollins: Shoot.

Elizabeth Wakefield: Well, I mean there's someone at the Tribune!

Enid Rollins: No, I mean it's your turn. Shoot.

---

Lila Fowler: It's an exercise video, Jess.

Not Oprah.

---

Elizabeth Wakefield: How long do we have to wait for our article?

We just have to wait it out.

Peter: Every good reporter knows you have to be patient.

(Pause)

Peter: That does it.

Peter: I can't take it anymore.

Peter: Where is she?

---

The Man of My Screams

Shred: Whoa, mighty bodyslam.

Do you ever think of hitting the pro-wrestling circuit?

---

Lila Fowler: Come on, Jess, admit it.

I see the way you look at each other.

It's tres romantique.

---

Winston Egbert: Ever since he left, my mother calls me Halstein once a day.

---

Winston Egbert: If I tell you, I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill you.

---

Lila Fowler: Unless you keep having the same dream.

---

Todd Wilkins: Look at the way she's touching her face.

Winston Egbert: I think she's wiping off some mustard.

---

Lila Fowler: Are those bats I see?

---

Jessica Wakefield: You, out of my way.

Shred: Gladly, Cruella.

---

Todd Wilkins: I'll be there.

I just hope it ends before the Lakers game.

---

Lila Fowler: Do you want to watch the Reggie Horror Picture Show every night?

---

(Liz and Todd are at the Cinema)

(Liz and Todd are watching a film in French)

(We can hear French)

Todd Wilkins: Is it me or are these guys hard to understand?

Elizabeth Wakefield: Todd, it's a foreign film.

---

Shred: I'm only gonna dump you for a Baywatch babe.

---

Are You A Man or A Mouse?

Winston Egbert: Liz has you on a beeper.

Shred: Another victim of the electronic leash.

---

Todd Wilkins: We both like...cereal.

---

Jessica Wakefield: All guys do it.

I call it the Jake Reynolds reaction.

---

Jessica Wakefield: We're out. Leave a message. If you must.

---

Winston Egbert: You don't understand, Reggie.

Todd and Liz are an institution.

Like Romeo and Juliet.

Antony and Cleopatra.

Shred: Shaggy and Scooby

---

Elizabeth Wakefield: I opened his box after his 24 hour isolation test.

---

Jessica Wakefield: Ok, creepy old guy

---

Todd Wilkins: What about my Green Day CD?

---

Elizabeth Wakefield: If you are Beethoven, where would you go?

Cheryl Thomas: To The Symphony.

---

Jessica Wakefield: I'm start looking for him now...at the mall!

---

Shred: Whoa, you got the box

---

Shred: Well Dudes, that was Episode 13 of Cops!

---

Shred: Battle of the 80s. You be van Halen

---

Elizabeth Wakefield: What's up, Jess?

Jessica Wakefield: Beethoven's back.

Roll Over Beethoven.

---

Jessica Wakefield: Why would anyone name a mouse after a dog?

---

Shred: Winslow.

You've gotta help me, man.

---

Elizabeth Wakefield: Well you know what they say:

If you have one mouse, you have mice.

---

The Mondo Chill

Male Ice Cream Vendor: I'm going to retire to Vermont

Can't take anymore of this good weather.

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Male Ice Cream Vendor: Just remember, life is full of wipeouts.

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Someone comes along to carry the Torch.

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Enid Rollins: Manny's so sweet.

And adorable.

And short.

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Lila Fowler: Do your sinuses feel like they are packed with domestic brie cheese?

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Lila Fowler: You have the flu, Jess, not the bubonic plague.

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Shred: Remember, little one.

When the ice cream's up, recycle the Cup.

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Lila Fowler: Thank God you're home.

I can't be a Candy Striper for another minute.

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(Jess using a Megaphone to ask for things)

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Shred: To Haagen and Daaz, and all the founding fathers of ice cream

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Shred: There's a Little League game at 3 o'clock.

There's going to be a Losing Team.

Enid Rollins: And they're gonna need Ice Cream.

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Shred: Don't worry, the right person will come along to carry the torch.

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Elizabeth Wakefield: Finally, I thought this night would never come.

(The lights go out)

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Surfing the Nets

Cheryl Thomas: My life wouldn't be complete without a daily dose of Aunt B and Uncle Fester.

Enid Rollins: I don't have an Uncle Fester.

I have an Uncle Lester.

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Winston Egbert: OK Folks, for this to be official, we all have to take the Moon Beach Oath.

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Radio DJ: Hey, are you going to beat Big Mesa this year?

I hear they're a little weak under the boards.

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Enid Rollins: Jessica is so manipulative.

She's even worse than Uncle Ben.

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Jessica Wakefield: You know, blue's really your colour.

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Policeman: Hey, you're Todd Wilkins.

Todd Wilkins: Guilty as charged!

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Mall Brats

Mr. Collins: What's wrong with this headline?

FIGHT BREAKS OUT IN STUD HALL

Elizabeth Wakefield: That should say Study Hall.

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Jessica Wakefield: So Liz, where's the new Stud hall?

Sounds like my kind of class.

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Lila Fowler: New York, Paris, London, here we come!

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Jessica Wakefield:I think I set a new time for the shortest record for a job.

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Swish Upon A Star

Jessica Wakefield: They think they can outsmart me.

Oh wait.

They can.

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Melvin: You ought to calculate the density and friction co-efficents more precisely, Liz.

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(Trying to discuss atoms, Jess is more interested in men she once dated.)

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Melvin: I'm holding hands with Elizabeth Wakefield.

Now I know how Joseph Thomson felt when he first proved the existence of sub-atomic particles back in 1897.

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Female Cheerleaders: 2 4 6 8

You took a geek out on a date.

3 5 7 9

You'll lose your pom-poms for that crime.

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Jessica Wakefield: I'm finished in Sweet Valley.

We have to move.

I'm an outcast.

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The Tooth Hurts

Enid Rollins: Oh how much chocolate do you eat anyway?

Shread: Not much.

(He opens his locker. Lots of Chocolate appears out of the Locker.)

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(Knocks Winston out of the way.)

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Shred: My name's Shred...and I'm a Chocoholic

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(Cheryl loses the will to live when Enid tells of apple fritters.)

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(On air, Enid asks about her Cousin's intestinal tract.)

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Female Host: Do you have anyone special?

Todd Wilkins: No.

(If Liz sees this interview, she will be furious and heartbroken.)

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(And low and behold, we cut to a Blonde girl watching the interview at home)

She begins to cry.

It's Liz!

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Rock Around the Block

Todd Wilkins: Celebrities never get into trouble.

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Elizabeth Wakefield: Well for Starters you humiliated me on National TV.

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Enid Rollins: You don't look so good.

I told you not to eat the Meat Loaf.

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(Jess and Lila are excited by the Latest episode of Search for Love.)

Jessica Wakefield: Finally I have been waiting for three years to get off that stupid island.

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(Jess and Lila begin a yoga workout class)

Jessica Wakefield: God, I'm wearing my cutest workout clothes.

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(Copy of The Oracle)

Enid Rollins: Wow, Wilkins disgraces team.

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Male Students: Man, Wilkins really let us down.

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Jessica Wakefield: Are these fresh Batteries?

Lila Fowler: Jess, it's not the Batteries.

Jessica Wakefield: Is it the Microphone?

Lila Fowler: No, it's not the Microphone.

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Lofty Ambitions

Lila Fowler: Well, you know what they say - history repeats itself.

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Lila Fowler: Oh please.

Snap out of it.

You're acting like a giddy teenager with a crush.

Jessica Wakefield: I am a giddy teenager with a crush.

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Enid Rollins: Come on, we got the invitation at a Tattoo Parlour.

Got to be wild.

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Enid Rollins: Come on Thelma.

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Male Driver: Why don't you go back to your Little House on the Prairie?

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Policemen: All the neighbours are complaining about the noise.

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Enid Rollins: Fight for your right to party.

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Jessica Wakefield: Did you ever have one of those Nights you'll never forget for the rest of your life?

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Shakes, Fries and Videotape

Jessica Wakefield: Forget it, Steven Spieldork.

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Elizabeth Wakefield: To eat or not to eat.

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Enid Rollins: I'm on a very important mission.

Do you happen to have a left-handed smoke shifter?

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Elizabeth Wakefield: I don't eat meat, Winston.

I'm a Vegetarian.

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Lila Fowler: Liz, I'm worried about your sister.

She trying to be helpful.

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A Star Is Torn

Jessica Wakefield: Here's one of AJ and me.

And here's one of AJ's guitar and me.

Oh, here's one of AJ's guitar.

Elizabeth Wakefield: I get the idea.

I suppose you were with AJ last night.

Jessica Wakefield::What makes you think that?

Elizabeth Wakefield: Lucky guess.

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AJ Morgan: I can't believe you did this.

Jessica Wakefield: No, you did this.

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Ready, Set, Snow!

Shred: You know the Lizster - she's got everything covered.

No matter how Gnarly the waves.

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Jessica Wakefield: This can't be our future.

Can we still change it?

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Elizabeth Wakefield: Operation? Didn't I get this like 10 years ago?

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Don't Strand so Close to Me!

Jessica Wakefield: I see a big red A on my test

Cheryl Thomas: And I see a big fat F

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Jessica Wakefield: I see us getting detention.

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Carrie: If I get ahead of you, you could get lost.

Todd Wilkins: Lost? Me

I never get lost

(Cut to Todd lost)

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Winston Egbert: This is Winston.

I'm currently in a Parallel Dimension.

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Elizabeth Wakefield: Aren't we going a little fast?

This road is really winding.

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Elizabeth Wakefield: This rock looks really familiar.

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Jessica Wakefield: She's hot.

She's burning with fever.

Elizabeth Wakefield: I'm freezing.

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Todd Wilkins: We were miles from any civilisation.

Carrie: Let's go.

My car is parked right outside the 7/11 just through the trees.

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Jessica Wakefield: I saw you in the woods with some psycho.

Todd Wilkins: Ooh, she was with me.

Jessica Wakefield: So I was right!

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All Along In The Water Tower

Enid Rollins: It's my family reunion at the weekend.

I have to order chewing tobacco.

Good thing it's only Tuesday.

Elizabeth Wakefield: Enid, it's Wednesday.

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(As the rest of the classmates hear Liz and Enid talking on the tannoy,

several classmates begin to play with their hair.)

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Enid Rollins: Well if your looking for a guy who likes sports, why dont you get back together with Todd

Elizabeth Wakefield: Is this thing on?

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(Jess answers the door to an attractive man with a Camera)

Jessica Wakefield: Are you a photographer?

Yes

I'm shooting a photo essay for National Geologic.

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Photographer: Are there any Grain Silos around here?

Jessica Wakefield: Silos?

Just like in the book.

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Jessica Wakefield: Some people are just hopeless romantics.

You're just hopeless.

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Jessica Wakefield: That's Chapter 10

Just like in the book.

Elizabeth Wakefield: Wait, you're reading a book?

Jessica Wakefield: I'm not just reading it.

I'm living it.

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Jessica Wakefield: Very funny, but not as funny as that dress.

Elizabeth Wakefield: know it's a little dorky.

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Todd Wilkins: That's right. It worked when I asked you to the Spring Dance.

Elizabeth Wakefield: That's right. You put a banner over the Scoreboard.

That proves you've always been crazy.

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My Fair Shred

Winston Egbert: They sent the wrong sign.

Manny Lopez: Either that, or they've tasted your chilli.

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Winston Egbert: I have enough Wattage in this sign to light up Dodgers Stadium.

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Elizabeth Wakefield: I just got an idea for an article:

The Death of Romance in the 90s.

Todd Wilkins: Perfect. You're the expert.

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Shred: The Dude is rude who crudely chews his food.

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Elizabeth Wakefield: Romance used to mean holding hands.

Now it means holding the Remote Control.

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Jessica Wakefield: Can we just make an announcement?

(Holds a glass out)

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Winston Egbert: Thank you all for coming, tonight.

Manny Lopez: We can hear you.

There's only six of us.

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(Shred hands out a Glow Stick)

Shred: Could I offer you a glow stick?

Ambassador: Oh, capital idea.

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Todd Wilkins: How does the Hockey game sound to you?

Elizabeth Wakefield: Terrible.

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Elizabeth Wakefield: I know a romantic evening we can both agree on

Todd Wilkins: What?

Elizabeth Wakefield: The blackout.

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(They switch the Lights off and kiss)

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Mr. Patman: Things would be too cool without you.

Now, where's that conga line?

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Shred: They gave all their Do-Re-Me to help save the Whales.

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Male: Cowabunga babes.

Shred: That's cowabunga dudes.

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Sweet Valley Fever

Mr. Cooper: You see it's a long time since Sweet Valley has boogie.

It was 1972.

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Todd Wilkins: What was so great about the Seventies anyway?

I mean everybody just looked stupid.

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Manny Lopez: Would you be my disco Dancing Queen?

Enid Rollins: I thought you'd never ask.

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Search for Liz

Todd Wilkins: Wow, she doesn't look so good.

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Jessica Wakefield: But she's helped me through three bouts of hysterical blindness and a bad perm.

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Todd Wilkins: Great, leave me with the stiff.

What have I am supposed to do?

Lila Fowler: Call an Ambulance, you moron.

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Elizabeth Wakefield: Cup of Joe?

Todd Wilkins: No, I'll just have Coffee.

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Tell me about yourself.

I'm from the wrong side of the tracks.

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Elizabeth: Jessica

Todd: Yeah

Any relation?

Elizabeth: No, no relation at all.

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Jessica Wakefield: Lila, you need to tell them that it wasn't me.

Otherwise they'll arrest me.

And go to jail.

And you know how bad I look in Prison Stripes!

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You're not Jessica are you?

No. I'm Tom Cruise in one of the Mission Impossible masks.

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Cheryl Thomas: I will never let my personal life get in the way of nursely duty.

She hands him an Axe.

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Elizabeth: Enough of the games.

You know that I know that it wasn't me.

Eh?

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Jessica Wakefield: Gossip about the Death Row inmates.

Elizabeth Wakefield: Oh no, give me Death Row now!

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Lila Fowler: Ah Jessica, you missed the best episode of General Hospital.

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Lila Fowler: You get hit by a door!

(Lila gets hit by a door!)

Todd Wilkins: Jessica, what's this about you getting hit by a door!

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Might as Well Jump

Male Student: Hey Winston

Nice dress.

Can we come to the Tea Party too, Tinkerbelle?

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Enid Fowler: Besides Jessica and I are way too busy planning our First Class Trip to Paris on Concorde.

Cheryl Thomas: Au revoir.

Jessica Wakefield: Huh

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Enid Rollins: I give up

(As soon as she says this, Manny and Enid begin to kiss.)

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Park Ranger: That was a crazy, stupid thing that you did.

Winston Egbert: Thanks

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Todd Wilkins: My life passed before my eyes.

It was a very short movie.

And you were in every scene.

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Lila Fowler: Which country has never had a King or Queen?

a. England

b. France

c. The US

Jessica Wakefield: France

Lila Fowler: Jessica, the US has never had a King or Queen

Jessica Wakefield: Excuse me.

Queen Latifah

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Male Student: Hey

Who are you calling stupid?

Todd Wilkins: Me. You

Tradition

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Todd Wilkins: Hey

Will you sign my yearbook?

Elizabeth Wakefield: Todd, so glad you came.

Todd Wilkins: Hey, some traditions are worth keeping.

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The Yearbook:

Most Likely to Strangle Enid

Best Midriff

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Season 4

Romance Wasn't Built In A Day

Manny Lopez: If at first you don't get through...

Enid Fowler and Manny Lopez: ...dial, dial, again

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Jessica Wakefield: Congratulations, Enid.

Being annoying finally paid off.

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Lila Fowler: I heard the President isn't very happy.

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Todd Wilkins: Hey Liz, come on, we're practically adults now.

(A Bartender reveals a drink with straws)

Bartender: Here you go, kids!

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Todd Wilkins: Besides I'm a man now!

(PAUSE)

Hey, is that a zit!

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Jessica Wakefield: You're my favourite Latin singer.

Of course, not a lot of people speak Latin.

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Renata Vargas: Why have you led me on this wild moose chase?

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Todd Wilkins: If anyone's worth waiting for, it's you.

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Loose Lips Sink Yachts

Mr. Duncan: You must be the new student.

Devon Whitelaw: You must be the old teacher.

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Jessica Wakefield: I'm kind of popular.

In fact, I'm very popular.

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(Devon finds a teddy bear in his locker, with the following label.)

I can't bear to be without you.

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(A picture of Albert Einstein appears on Lila's locker.

She telephones her Father.)

Lila Fowler: Now they're putting pictures of Creepy Old Men on my locker.

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Jessica Wakefield: He can't see me like this.

Elizabeth Wakefield: Jess, you look great.

Jessica Wakeield: I know.

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Devon Whitelaw: Big night out?

Jessica Wakefield: This old thing.

Devon Whitelaw: It's nice. You might want to lose the price tag.

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Renata Vargas: Keep your friends close, and your M and Ms closer.

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Drag King

Todd Wilkins encounters some Nuns outside of the Track.

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One of the bottles in Renata's cabinet is entitled "DICTATOR"

Jessica Wakefield: I'm afraid to ask what's on your other cabinets.

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Renata Vargas: Oh my god.

The purple flowers.

In my country, they are a sign of death.

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Winston Egbert: Next year, I hope the exchange student is from Des Moines.

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(Renata speaks Portugeuese to Jessica)

Jessica Wakefield: Are you joking?

I can't even speak Canadian.

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(Jessica approaches the Car)

Jessica Wakefield: Whatever Renata said!

Whatever Renata said!

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The Right to Bare Midriffs

Jessica Wakefield: Lila, what's on the other side of the Horoscope section?

Lila Fowler: It's called the front page!

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Elizabeth Wakefield: Oh, and the other thing.

Can I sign you up for ballet class?

Todd Wilkins: Uhuh

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Todd Wilkins: What's your screen name?

Winston Egbert: Adonis. Like the Greek god.

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(Opening of Declaration of Independence - With certain inalienable rights)

Cheryl Thomas: Don't you believe in your inalienable rights?

Jessica Wakefield: I hate to tell you this.

But there's no such thing as aliens.

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Cheryl Thomas: Principal Cooper, I believe it was Voltaire who said

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.

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Jessica Wakefield: I know one thing.

Today, we're going to take our fight to City Hall.

(Pause)

Where is City Hall?

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(As Winston realises she likes Todd)

Winston Egbert: What can I say?

He's the one.

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Jessica Wakefield: Hey, Lila.

Listen to this.

The Congress shall not abridge the right of the people to petition the Government to a redress of grievances.

(First Amendment of the US Constitution)

(Fourth Article of the US Bill of Rights)

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Petunia: If my heart beat reaches 75 beats a minute.

When we log on

And increases to 80 beats a minute.

When you log off at nine.

What is my heartbeat's average rate of change?

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Winston Egbert: 5 beats an hour is the average rate of change when you're with me.

Of course, that assumes you are in a sealed vaccum.

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Winston Egbert: Did I get the answer to your Brainteaser right?

Petunia: No, The answer isn't 5 beats an hour.

It's actually Four.

Because when I'm with you, my heart skips a beat.

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Jessica Wakefield: The Bill of Rights says

We have the right to bear arms.

So duh.

We also have the right to bear legs.

And most importantly.

The right to bear midriffs.

(Fifth Article of the US Bill of Rights - the right of the people to keep and bear arms).

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Cheryl Thomas: How, with a little organisation, even young people can affect change.

Jessica Wakefield: No.

How you should always read a building's directory before you go rushing into rooms.

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Lights, Camera, Fractions

Enid Rollins: Another new calendar?

Didn't you just buy another one?

Elizabeth Wakefield: Yeah, and the year before that.

And the year before that.

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Todd Wilkins: Do you remember what happened to Mick Evans?

The captain of the wrestling team.

He starred in a Shakespeare play.

As You Like it

(There is a famous Wrestling scene in As You Like It)

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Male Teacher: Liz, it seems there is a family emergency and you're needed at home.

Male Student: There is a short cut to the parking lot through the tunnels at home!

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Elizabeth Wakefield: Not now, Devon, there's a family emergency at home.

Devon Whitelaw: I'm your emergency.

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Elizabeth Wakefield: So, what's important to you.

Devon Whitelaw: Isn't that obvious.

(Liz realises that Devon must like her.)

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A Kiss is Just a Kiss

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Jessica Wakefield: No man should come between us.

After all, we do share the same DOA.

(She should say DNA)

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(Liz asks Devon to explain the equation on the board in Physics)

Devon Whitelaw: OK. Look.

You have a positively charged ion.

It's colliding with a negative one.

It creates...energy.

You know

You know how opposites attract.

Elizabeth Wakefield: Yeah?

Devon Whitelaw: Then why don't you stop denying what you feel about me.

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Devon Whitelaw: You still want me to go.

(They kiss)

I didn't think so.

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The Kiss Heard Around the School

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Todd Wilkins: My girlfriend cheated on me.

I'm suspended from School.

And I just sucked down eight milkshakes.

I'm Lactose Intolerant.

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Lucky Streaks

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Lila Fowler: He's skinner than Kate Moss.

Oh wait, that is Kate Moss.

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Todd Wilkins: So, how's the rebel without a clue.

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Lila Fowler: Oh, nice try trying to tell everyone those Green streaks are the latest trend from Paris.

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West Coast Story: Part 2

(Devon shows Liz the stars.)

Wow, it's beautiful

Devon Whitelaw: I barely noticed.

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Jessica Wakefield: Well, it is kind of romantic.

It's like living out that classic story of forbidden love.

Between two extremely good looking people.

Big Mesa Student: Romeo and Juliet

Jessica Wakefield: No.

Billy and Alison

Don't you watch Melrose Place?

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Manny Lopez: Come on, Enid.

A guy's got to do, what a guy's got to do.

Enid Rollins: And a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do.

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(The words JESSICA WAKEFIELD IS A TRATER appear on the Board.)

Female Teacher: This is very disappointing.

Jessica Wakefield: I agree.

Female Teacher: Traitor is spelt with a O.

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Lila Fowler: Going out with the leader of Big Mesa?

Nobody's made a decision that bad since Luke Perry cut off his sideburns.

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Female Cheerleader: Jessica, we know you're kissing the enemy.

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Lila Fowler: It's tough being friends with the unpopular.

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Skiing is Believing

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Jessica Wakefield: Don't get too attached to that trophy, Liz.

It will be mine by the end of the weekend.

You might be going to have fun.

I'm going to win.

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Sailing Solution

Winston Egbert: Maybe you should call your boat The Titanic.

Todd Wilkins: What do you mean?

Winston Egbert: Let's face it. Everytime you guys get back together, it always ends in disaster.

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Winston Egbert: I have a sure fire way of getting everybody to your party.

Instead of Cruella de Fowler's.

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Down Horoscope

Jessica Wakefield: Now remember Liz the Party's in a rough neighbourhood.

So don't forget your Pepper Spray.

EW: It's in my purse.

I was talking to Todd!

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Jessica Wakefield: What happened to you last night?

Elizabeth Wakefield: Todd and I got in a fight.

Jessica Wakefield: You beat him up?

Elizabeth Wakefield: No, no.

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Jessica Wakefield: That's not a reason to blow off a party.

That's a reason to have a party.

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A Simple Twist of Mates

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Jessica Wakefield: One of these days, you two will kiss and make up.

(Todd spews water)

Are you OK?

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Devon Whitelaw: Liz, have you seen Jess?

EW: I think she went to the Library.

Devon Whitelaw: No, really.

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Jessica Wakefield: Like anyone reads in the library.

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Todd Wilkins: Jess, can you pass the Popcorn please?

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Cast

• actor1 - character1
• actor2 - character2
• actor3 - character3

External links

• Show Title quotes at the Internet Movie Database