Survivor Series

The Survivor Series is a WWE Pay Per View held every November since 1987. In the series, teams of four or five people battle in elimination matches. The first Survivor Series was held Thanksgiving 1987 at the Richfield Coliseum.

1987

Howard Finkel: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Survivor Series! And now, ladies and gentlemen, may I present Jesse "The Body" Ventura and Gorilla Monsoon!

Gorilla Monsoon: What are you doing, Jess?

Jesse "The Body" Ventura: Hey, I'm gonna have me a good time on Turkey Day, even in Cleveland, if you can imagine that.

Gorilla: Hello, everyone, and Happy Thanksgiving. We are pleased to present to you one of the most prestigious events ever put together in the history of professional wrestling. Now, I know that you're all full of that Thanksgiving turkey, the dressing, the cranberry sauce, the apple pie...

Jesse: I know you are.

Gorilla: So just settle back in your favorite chair, because for the next three hours, you will be royally entertained by the superstars of the World Wrestling Federation.

[The Honky Tonk Man is outnumbered 3 against 1]

Jesse: You know, now I think this is wrong, Gorilla. They could go for a pin, they're trying to torture the Honky Tonk Man.

Gorilla: Well, it's payback time, Jess.

Jesse: And you condone this?

Gorilla: Absolutely. Anybody that would take Elizabeth and throw her down to the canvas is a piece of garbage in my book.

Jesse: You shouldn't let personal things enter into it, Gorilla.

Gorilla: Oh, I'm sorry, I'll try to be more like you.

Craig DeGeorge: Perhaps we can get a comment from the Eighth Wonder of the World himself, Andre the Giant.

Andre the Giant: Hogan, I did it once, and I will do it again!

Jesse: You know what I can't believe, Gorilla, is here we are now, out here, and I've got my second #1 movie in the whole world, The Running Man, and you have let... yet to congratulate me.

Gorilla: Well, I saw the movie, Jess, it is a happening. You were great.

Jesse: And you know who my co-star is, I always let him in there, you know, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Gorilla: Yeah, yeah, you let him come in, right? Let him sneak in the backdoor.

[As Velvet McIntyre does a giant swing on Sensational Sherri]

Gorilla: Round and round she goes, and where she stops, there she stops.

Jesse: Only Velvet knows. You like the end of that poetry, Gorilla?

Gorilla: Maybe you'll put out a book.

Jesse: There we go. I'm better than Leaping Lanny Poffo, that's for sure.

Gorilla: A lot confidence on that team, and rightly so when the captains are the tag team champions.

Jesse: I don't think so, Gorilla. They're too pretty. Every one of them guys is more worried about his hair.

[Smash kicks Dynamite Kid when Dynamite puts his head down.]

Gorilla: Oh, he got caught. Cardinal mistake, put his head down. Now Dynamite's in the wrong part of town, and he's gonna pay for it.

Jesse: And I'll tell you, you get caught in the wrong corner here, you've got six or eight boots hitting you.

Gorilla: At the same time.

Jesse: Oh yeah.

Gorilla: To the best of my knowledge Jess--

Jesse: And you know what else is great? They've got three or four guys to distract the referee [Smash throws referee Dave Hebner across the ring] and uh oh! Smash just fired the referee across the ring. [Bell rings.]

Gorilla: Well, that'll take care of Smash and Ax then.

Howard: As a result of a disqualification, Demolition has been eliminated.

Gorilla: Ax and Smash are gone. That was kind of stupid, Jess.

Jesse: Well, they got a little overzealous. What can I say, Gorilla?

Gorilla: Jimmy Powers doing a nice job, but a reversal by Haku. Look at that flying clothesline!

Jesse: No, that's Toma.

Gorilla: I'm sorry, yes it is. It's Tama.

Jesse: Tama, Toma. It's Toma if I say it's Toma.

Gorilla: It's Tama, take my word for it.

Jesse: I'll tell you, they do love their Strike Force here in Cleveland.

Gorilla: This is Richfield, Jess.

Jesse: Yeah, that's a suburb of Cleveland. That's worse yet.

Jesse: I'll tell you, if Powers and Roma go down now, that's gonna leave the Killer Bees in there against three teams.

Gorilla: That would make it a little rough.

Jesse: Oh yeah, you're gonna have the same situation as the Honky Tonk Man got into earlier, and I'll bet you'll see the Bees take a walk.

Gorilla: Highly unlikely, Jess.

Jesse: Why?

Gorilla: Because they're not that kind.

Jesse: I would think that'd be the intelligent, smart thing to do in that situation.

Jesse: Did you see the agility of that? Haku weighs what, 280?

Gorilla: Oh, he's 300, Jess.

Jesse: And he went from a standing position, jumped up, and hit Roma with a dropkick right on the chin.

Gorilla: I'd like to see the Anvil try that. [Anvil also does a standing dropkick right here] Oh, he didn't get as high, but he got up there. He must've heard me. [Anvil goes for the pin, but Paul Roma gets his foot on the rope] Foot on the ropes, he knows he's not gonna get any kind of count.

Jesse: Is he hooked into your headset, Gorilla?

Gorilla: I don't know, he may be. Deja vu.

Jesse: Now we've got mayhem, Gorilla. We got men all over the ring.

Gorilla: We certainly do, too many guys in there, a lot of them outside now. [Jim Brunzell flips over Tama, trying to bring him down. B. Brian Blair, now wearing a mask, flips over Tama, bringing him down while Brunzell slides out] Look at this. From the outside with a mask on! Who is that?

Jesse: [as referee Jack Kruger counts to three] Wait a minute! That's the wrong Killer Bee!

Gorilla: That's not the legal man in the ring, that's B. Brian Blair.

Howard: [as Brunzell re-enters the ring now also in a mask] Here are the remaining survivors: the Young Stallions and the Killer Bees!

Jesse: I object, Gorilla. That was not the right Killer Bee in the ring, they did that same stuff with the mask, that's a bunch of crap!

Gorilla: Well, they went outside, and B. Brian Blair put that Killer Bee mask on.

Jesse: And of course, the idiot referee can't tell which Bee's in the ring. I can't even tell which one is in there when they do that.

Gorilla: Well, as you look right now, you see it's Jumpin' Jim Brunzell who has the mask on, but that was not the guy who made the pinfall.

["Million Dollar Man" Ted Dibiase recalls when he bought a public pool for himself.]

Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase: Yeah, I'd like a lot of privacy. When are all these little brats going to be out of the pool?

Pool Manager: We close the pool at 8:00 in the evening.

Dibiase: Yeah, well what would it take to make this a private pool right now?

Pool Manager: I'm afraid I can't do that. It's a public pool and the taxpayers. I'd have a lot of problems with the mothers and fathers.

Dibiase: Listen mister, I pay more taxes in a month than these people make in a year. Virgil, [snaps his fingers, Virgil hands a couple of $100 bills to the manager.] I think we can find something wrong with the pool today. Don't you?

Pool Manager: I really can't. It's a public pool, I'd really have problems with the mothers and the fathers.

Dibiase: Virgil, [snaps his fingers, Virgil hands two more $100 bills to the manager.] I think there's a little too much chlorine in the water. Don't you?

Pool Manager: I'll be right back.

Dibiase: Yeah, get these brats out of the water!

[Virgil and the manager walk over to the pool.]

Pool Manager: [blows his whistle] All right, everybody out! The chlorine level is too high. We're going to close the pool. Let's go. Come on.

Virgil: Come on, you little brats! Get out of the pool! Come on! All of you, out! Out! Out! Come on! Let's go!

Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, as a result of a countout, Hulk Hogan has been eliminated. And futhermore the referees have instructed that if Hulk Hogan does not leave the ring and go back to the dressing room immediately, he will award the bout to Andre the Giant's team.

Gorilla: Bobby "The Brain" Heenan not letting Andre the Giant go back inside that ring because, in his opinion, nothing was up for grabs.

Jesse: Baloney. Hogan was eliminated. He was counted out on the floor. I say what he did was despicable. Despicable as a champion, despicable to all those Hulkamaniacs out there. He should've taken the defeat like a man, stayed in the back. Instead, he comes out with the belt, uses it like a weapon, and crowns Andre with it.

Gorilla: Well, the match was over, Jess. And when you've got that adrenaline flowing through your body, and you got a vendetta like Hulk Hogan has for Andre the Giant, I couldn't expect him to do anything else.

Jesse: So what's next? He's gonna attack him in the parking lot?

Gorilla: That's possible.

Jesse: That's ridiculous.

Gorilla: Look at him, giving the fans exactly what they want.

Jesse: What an egomaniac. The guy gets beaten, he gets eliminated, and he's standing out there like he won.

Jesse: You know, only in Cleveland, only in Cleveland would you have fans cheering for the loser!

1988

Jesse "The Body" Ventura: The only thing I can say to Sam [Houston] is welcome to the big time, kid.

Gorilla Monsoon: Davey Boy was looking to get back to his own corner, as we look at the Brain. Of course, the Brain Busters, his team, saying he's gonna take them to the top.

Jesse: Well, if anybody can, Heenan can, Gorilla.

Gorilla: Well, he hasn't proven that to me. He doesn't have one championship.

Jesse: Oh, you don't like him just because he's your partner on Prime Time!

Gorilla: No, no, that's not exactly true. If you're gonna have a champion, if you can make a champion, go ahead and make one, but he hasn't proven to me that he can.

Jesse: What are you talking about? Andre held the title.

Gorilla: Well, for what, 30 seconds?

Jesse: Only 'cause he gave it away.

Gorilla: [Mr. Fuji is up on the apron.] Nice clothesline by Smash as Ax tells him "Put him away!"

[Fuji pulls the ropes open and Smash goes through to the outside]

Jesse: Whoa! Did you see that, Gorilla? Fuji was hanging on to the rope!

[Ax goes to check on Smash, unsuccessfully pleading to Hebner for a time-out]

Gorilla: Fuji pulled that rope open. I don't know, inadvertently or not. Maybe he just lost his balance, Jess.

Jesse: No! I distinctly saw Fuji open the ropes and Smash went through them.

[Hebner counts to ten]

Gorilla: And he got counted out!

Howard Finkel: Demolition has been counted out!

Gorilla: [Ax starts arguing with Fuji] Look at Ax call on Fuji now! Questioning Fuji about pulling that rope down! What is this?!

Mr. Fuji: I don't care! I'm the boss! And I did not pull the rope down!

Gorilla: Fuji saying "I'm the boss!"

Jesse: Ooh, Fuji hit him with the cane! Did you see that, Gorilla?

Gorilla: Look at that, rides him again with it.

Jesse: It's not having any effect. [Fuji whacks Ax from behind with his cane]

Gorilla: Absolutely not. From behind, he nails him again with it! [Smash throws Fuji into Ax who slams him on the floor] He forgot about Smash! Oh, slamming Fuji on the canvas, on the concrete!

Jesse: All I can say, Gorilla, is we've definitely had a major falling out, happened here tonight.

Gorilla: History is being made right here at Survivor Series, as Mr. Fuji and Demolition obviously have parted company.

[The Powers of Pain help Fuji back up]

Jesse: Wait a minute. What have we got going on now?

Gorilla: Match continues on. Look at this! Why are they helping Fuji?

Jesse: I tell you, Gorilla, there's more to this than meets the eye, I think.

Gorilla: Something stinks here.

Jesse: And it definitely ain't Cleveland.

Howard: Hacksaw Jim Duggan has been disqualified.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan: Bullshit!

Jesse: I've noticed you're wearing shades now, Gorilla, is that because you want to be like me?

Gorilla: No, it's because I want to see.

[Slick hits Randy Savage from behind with his cane]

Gorilla: Oh look at that!

Jesse: Did Macho trip? What happened?

Gorilla: Slickster from the outside tripped up the Macho Man with his cane.

Jesse: Now how can you be so sure?

Gorilla: I saw it!

Jesse: You saw it? Through those bifocals you could see it?

1989

Hulk Hogan: Yo Hulkamaniacs, it's Thanksgiving night and this is the happiest time of year for all the Maniacs brother! You know, me and all of my little Hulksters, we've got a lot of things to be thankful for. Number one, we're thankful for being happy and very healthy. We're thankful for having time to share with our loved ones. We're also thankful that Hulkamania is still the strongest force in the universe and after the turkey's done, after the blessings are all done, I can tell you what the Hulkster's most happy about, it's Survivor Series time and I'm thankful for my team of Hulkamaniacs!

Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase: I'm thankful because I'm rich and you're not! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Jake "The Snake" Roberts: I'm thankful for having Damien and the DDT.

Ax: You know what we're thankful for?

Smash: We don't have to fight each other!

Macho King Randy Savage: Ooh, yeah! I am thankful that I am the only man worthy of being the Macho King. Ooh, yeah!

Hacksaw Jim Duggan: I'm thankful for the privilege of living here in the good ol U.S. of A. Tough guy!

Dino Bravo: I'm thankful, I've got the big Earthquake on my side!

"The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes: What I'm thankful for for Thanksgiving, is for my polka dots!

Big Bossman: I'm thankful for the justice I serve!

Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake: I'm thankful for wrestlin', cuttin' and struttin'!

The Model Rick Martel: I'm thankful for my good looks.

Ravishing Rick Rude: I'm thankful for having the most ravishing body in the WWF.

Rowdy Roddy Piper: I'm thankful because I hate Ricky Rude.

The Genius: I am thankful for being the world's smartest man.

Mr. Perfect: I'm thankful for being absolutely perfect!

Bushwacker Butch: Yeah! We're thankful for having sardine stuffing in our turkey tonight!

Bobby "The Brain" Heenan: I'm thankful for spending Thanksgiving with all the members of the Heenan Family.

Ultimate Warrior: Thanksgiving is everyday but especially this day as the Warriors give me the intensity to deliver the power at Survivor Series, it is going to be a waaaaaaaaaar!!

Gorilla Monsoon: We're underway, as the 4x4s have cleared the ring.

Jesse "The Body" Ventura: What do you expect? They run in the ring with boards.

Gorilla: No, they're 4x4s.

Jesse: Yeah, boards, that's what I said.

Gorilla: No they're only two-by-fours.

...

Gorilla: Well, the Macho King, he had a scepter out there. He had a weapon, didn't he?

Jesse: Come on, Monsoon, get serious for a change, will you? Do you condone for a minute them being allowed to bring boards in the ring with them?

Gorilla: That's just a symbol of their team.

Jesse: Yeah.

Gorilla: You don't see them out there now, do you?

Jesse: I got a bridge, Monsoon, that's for sale. You interested?

[Hacksaw Jim Duggan, having been defeated, clears the ring with his 2x4]

Jesse: Now do you condone that, Gorilla?

Gorilla: Absolutely. After what they did? Yes!

Jesse: You condone him coming in from behind...

Gorilla: Are you deaf, I said yes!

Jesse: [cont'd] and hitting somebody with a foreign object. You're despicable, Gorilla!

Gorilla: Look at the big Z on the side of his head there. What's that, in case he gets lost or something?

Jesse: No, it means Zeus, Gorilla. You know Zeus starts with Z.

Gorilla: Oh I understand that.

Jesse: Then what'd you ask for?

Gorilla: See if you were paying attention, Jess.

Jesse: [as Hogan and Demolition triple-team DiBiase] Now what do you call this, Monsoon?

Gorilla: It's called survival.

Jesse: Oh, it's "survival" when your favorites do it; it's cheating when the other team does it.

Gorilla: I didn't say that.

Jesse: Yes you did. Look at this, triple-teaming in the center of the ring. Now why won't the referee disqualify them?

Gorilla: It's the referee's prerogative.

Jesse: Yeah, a little biased, if you ask me, Gorilla. I mean, he fires Zeus out of here right at the getgo and he's letting the Hulkamaniacs get away with murder.

Gorilla: Did Zeus not knock the referee down twice, Jess? You can't put your hands on the referee. I don't care whether you've got a Z on the side of your head or not, that's not legal. That'll cost you the match. And I don't know. If Zeus was still out there, I'd have my doubts.

Jesse: Well if Zeus was still out there, Hogan wouldn't be.

Gorilla: He (Ted DiBiase) spat at him!(Hulk Hogan)

Jesse: Spat at who?

Gorilla: At the champ. Well, what are you watching?! Aren't you paying attention?!

Jesse: I'm watching knee drops right into the back. I'm not looking at where spit and sweat is flying.

Gorilla: Well pay attention!

Jesse: How can you see spit and sweat fly when there's knees and elbows?

Gorilla: I might want to ask you a question later.

Jesse: The Powers of Pain are big and they are strong and they know how to double-team.

Gorilla: There's evidence of it right there.

Jesse: The Warlord caught Hogan. Hogan stumbling to the wrong corner, Gorilla.

Gorilla: Yeah, but where was the tag, Jess?

Jesse: There wasn't one.

Gorilla: Oh, double clothesline by the champ. And the Powers of Pain are down. And Fuji's upset.

Jesse: DiBiase and Roberts outside the ring. Hogan is getting double-teamed unmercifully here. Oh! Spike Piledriver...it's over!

Gorilla: Oh, Spike Piledriver nails the champ.

Jesse: Hogan ain't gonna get up--

Howard Finkel: (in background) The Powers of Pain, have been disqualified

Gorilla: Oh, the referee saw that...he's disqualifying someone.

Jesse: WHAT?! I can't believe it! He's saving Hogan again?! Not once! No, twice Hogan's gonna get saved in this match!

Gorilla: Referee may have just disqualified both members of the Powers of Pain.

Jesse: Aw...this makes me sick, Monsoon! He disqualifies Zeus 'cause he beats up Hogan, now they disqualify the Powers of Pain because they beat up Hogan too!

Gorilla: No, He disqualified Zeus because Zeus manhandled the referee, and these two guys got caught in a deliberate double-team effort.

Rude: The tights on my behind are telling the tale
Which team will perish, and which will prevail.

Gorilla: [on the Bushwhackers] A lot of bushwhacking going on here in the Rosemont Horizon.

Jesse: What do you expect, Gorilla? It's Chicago. These guys are probably half normal in Chicago on Halsted Street.

Jesse: And look at this, Neidhart's getting beat up in the corner already. This thing's going wild.

Gorilla: And look at The Anvil unloading on The Brain.

Jesse: The bell hasn't even rung yet. And look at Andre...

Gorilla: We don't have all the team members out there yet!

Jesse: Yeah, but the big man, Andre the Giant is gonna eliminate The Anvil before the bell even sounds.

Gorilla: I believe the referee has called for the bell. And there's the Warrior.

Jesse: There's the bell. There's the bell.

Gorilla: Warrior with a clothesline. Warrior just... He's knocked Andre silly! The match is official, it's underway, and Andre's down and out. How are they gonna pick him up?

Jesse: Well the problem is, the bell rang with Andre in the ring. Andre's gotta get back in the the ring before a ten-count. The referee's counted...

Howard: Andre the Giant has been counted out.

Gorilla: Andre's gone.

Jesse: Wow! What a blow to The Heenan Family.

Gorilla: Did you see the look on Arn Anderson's face? He can't believe it.

Gorilla: As the chant goes out by this capacity crowd: "Weasel!" Listen to them, I told you they all know his name.

Jesse: Yeah, and I know that you instigated it, Monsoon. You sit down and quit waving at 'em to start that up! Pay attention to your job instead of picking sides!

Jesse: [as Haku tags Bobby Heenan] And here comes Heenan.

Gorilla: Yeah sure.

Jesse: There you go.

Gorilla: Yeah, he wants in when somebody's in trouble. [Heenan kicks Marty Jannetty before getting punched in the gut and quickly tags Arn Anderson] Oh, did you see that?! Give me a break.

Jesse: Hey he got in, did the damage, and got out.

Gorilla: Did what damage?

Jesse: Kicked him in the guts.

Gorilla: Please.

[Bobby Heenan is in there alone in the ring with the Ultimate Warrior]

Gorilla: Look at the Warrior just waiting for the right opportunity. Uh-oh... [Camera pans to Heenan looking terrified] Look at that look. That's worth a thousand words.

Jesse: You're loving this ain't you, Monsoon?

Gorilla: I am.

Jesse: You're just eating this up, aren't you?

Gorilla: I am.

Jesse: The Warrior can beat up a manager.

Gorilla: You said he was a intricate part of this team. Now he can show me that he is.

1990

Gorilla Monsoon: The Ultimate Warrior has worked his way to the Grand Finale, Rod.

Rowdy Roddy Piper: The idea here — how do you become a survivor? You need to be a leftover! It's Thanksgiving!

Piper: I need to say something and give credit where credit's due to Bret Hart. Bret Hart, just yesterday, losing his own brother, and he asked me to dedicate this match to Dean, his brother. There's a true competitor and a wonderful man. Kick some butt!

Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase: Like I've said a million times before, everybody's got a price for the Million Dollar Man. So without further ado, I will introduce to you now my mystery partner. Led to the ring by his manager Brother Love, weighing in at 320 pounds, from Death Valley, I give you THE UNDERTAKER!

Gorilla: The Undertaker, the mystery partner is now revealed.

Piper: I've never heard of him.

Gorilla: [seeing the Undertaker walking to the ring] Oh, take a look!

Piper: Holy cow! Look at the size of that hamhock! Check out them drumsticks, baby!

Gorilla: 320 pounds, looks to be 6'9", 6'10", somewhere in that neighborhood, Rod.

Piper: 6...6'10", I don't know, it's hard to tell from here. Holy cow.

Gorilla: Look at the look on the face.

Piper: I don't...you think it's his coffee? Doesn't look like he's having a good time. You think he'd steal the gold out of your teeth?

Gorilla: There's only supposed to be four members on a team; this guy makes four and a half, maybe five.

Piper: We don't wanna see quitters here, we wanna see real men! And real men wear kilts!

Piper: It's the first time I've been wrong since '54.

Piper: [on Jake Roberts] At this point, I hate to see the man get hurt. But there comes a point where you just maybe wanna see him get pinned so he don't get hurt anymore.

Gorilla: Well, you'll have to pin him 'cause he's not gonna quit, Hot Rod.

Piper: He's too much of a...

Gorilla: [as Jake hits a DDT on the Warlord] Oh, look at this! DDT!

Piper: YES!

Gorilla: He nailed the big guy!

Piper: YES!

[Jake crawls for the pin, but referee Mike Chioda is distracted.]

Gorilla: [as Rick Martel sprays Arrogance at Jake, forcing him off the Warlord] Oh, look at Martel.

Piper: Did he get him?

Gorilla: No, Jake saw it coming, he turned his head, Hot Rod.

Piper: Alright.

Gorilla: But the referee didn't see any of that action.

Piper: [as Jake releases Damian from his bag] He's got a partner! He found a partner!

Gorilla: Can you blame him?

[Jake chases Rick out of the ring to the back]

Piper: Not at all!

Gorilla: Look at Martel, scared to death! And Jake right on his tail! Hobbling, limping, but still going after him!

Piper: Martel, you coward, you did the least in there!

[At this point, Hercules, Paul Roma, and Slick have joined the Warlord in the ring]

Gorilla: Referee's counting. Warlord, of course, the legal man in the ring, and Jake the Snake. [Chioda finishes the count and calls for the bell] Oh, he's out. I don't think he was worried about being counted out, Hot Rod. He wanted a piece of Martel.

Howard Finkel: Ladies and gentlemen, Jake "The Snake" Roberts has been counted out. Therefore, the winning survivors are the entire team of the Visionaries!

Gorilla: Oh, the entire team of the Visionaries have made it to the Grand Finale.

Piper: Including...

Gorilla: Including the Model, of course. The whole team, the first time in the history of the Survivor Series that an entire team has made it.

Piper: Martel would be there, but right now, he's running down Main Street Hartford.

Gorilla: With all the excitement, I almost forgot about that humongous egg that's gonna hatch here.

Piper: The last time I saw an egg that size when Milli Vanilli laid it.

Piper: The Russians give us Nikolai Volkoff, we give the Russians MTV and 2 Live Crew. There's a fair exchange, huh?

Mean Gene Okerlund: I wanted to point out to you and your cohorts that the Survivor Series is being shown around the world to our armed forces. They are gonna be seeing you in action here tonight against the Alliance, and especially those great guys and gals who are serving our country proudly in the Persian Gulf, and by the way, they find you and your commanding officer despicable.

Sgt. Slaughter: Despicable?!

Mean Gene: Yes! Despicable.

Sgt. Slaughter: Stand at attention, you puke. Shut that hole and listen up! And all you maggots out there, listen up! Despicable is saluting the red, white & blue! I, Sgt. Slaughter, salute one flag, and that flag is the banner of that brave Iraqi nation!

Mean Gene: You've gotta be kidding me!

Sgt. Slaughter: You know what, pukeface? Today, my Mercenaries and I sat down to a beautiful, hot, delicious turkey dinner with all the trimmings, and we didn't have to worry about swatting any desert flies away from the table; and we didn't have the smell of camel dung in the air when we chewed our food and swallowed it; but best of all, we didn't have any sand in our pumpkin pie! What did all of you American gung-ho soldiers out there in Saudi Arabia have in your K-ration can today? Hot turkey sandwich?!

Mean Gene: You call yourself an American? You've got to be kidding.

Sgt. Slaughter: President Bush, take some advice from Sgt. Slaughter before you send your troops into battle against President Saddam Hussein: Always think twice because the Iraqi Army soldier is just like the Mercenaries and Sgt. Slaughter — we take no prisoners and we are survivors, and THAT'S AN ORDER! You're dismissed.

Gorilla: What a despicable piece of garbage.

Piper: You pig! You pig! You know why he got kicked out of the service? For saying "Shazam!" too much.

...

Piper: If these boys don't finish them off, I'm grabbing his butt, I'll take him over to the Persian Gulf and let our troops have a go at him! Let's see what kind of drill sergeant he is! You're nothing but a pig, you hang around with pigs, and you ain't got enough guts to eat a can of K-rations! I would rather eat K rations that eat turkey with you, you pig!

Sean Mooney: Gentlemen, I must say the odds look to be stacked against you in the Grand Finale Match of Survival. Hulkster, it is your team of three against their five.

Hulk Hogan: Well, you know something, little dude. We're not too worried about the odds being stacked against us, you know. The way I count this thing, brother, it's those five over there against the Warrior, my man Tito Santana, the stark raving Hulkster, and millions and millions of those little Hulkamaniacs out there, brother. You know, this is what it's all about, brother. I've been around the WWF for quite some time now, and the Hulkster has always ruled. But never before have I seen such intensity in a man like the Ultimate Warrior, brother, to rise to the top so fast, to take it all the way, and to have so many little Warriors following him, brother. And as far as Tito Santana goes, brother, me and the Arriba Man have been around since day one. And as far as I'm concering, me, Tito, the Ultimate Warrior, we're gonna survive this thing, brother.

Tito Santana: This is what it's all about, baby! The Grand Finale! Million Dollar Man, the Visionaries, you turkeys! We are reason for one reason: to survive, baby, the Grand Finale!

Ultimate Warrior: We have taken this many footsteps to get this far! The Hulkamaniacs that made the sacrifice, and the Warriors that follow me that fell like skeletons that made their sacrifices! They walk with us into this battle, and we take all of those that believe in one purpose: to do combat with those that believe they are the greatest! You, Power & Glory, a reminder that we feed off such things! And you, Rick "The Model" Martel, no competition to the powers that we possess! In Hulkamania, in Warrior Wildness, and Arribaderci!

Hogan: You know, the way I feel about it, dudes, this is the eleventh hour, and we are walking that fine razor's edge between greatness or disaster. And the way things stack up, with all those Hulkamaniacs, with everything running wild out there, brother, there's no way they're gonna beat us. The energy, the focus, the mind, body, and soul. What you gonna do when our team survives and wipes out you dudes out there?!

1991

Jack Tunney: [making a statement from when Jake Roberts's king cobra bit Randy Savage in the arm.] With the tragic events of this past weekend still fresh in all our minds, I accept full responsibility for allowing such a potentally dangerous reptile at ringside. I will accept Jake Roberts' explanation at face value that this was indeed an accident and he had led to believe that his king cobra had indeed been devenomized by the lab. However, resting upon my shoulders is the welfare of everyone here in the World Wrestling Federation. Therefore, effective immediately, the king cobra and all reptiles are barred from ringside. In addition, after careful consoltation with the Macho Man Randy Savage and his doctor, it is my decision that he is reinstated immediately and that a match between Randy Savage and Jake Roberts be sanctioned at the earliest possible date, which will be this coming Tuesday Night in Texas. Therefore, Jake Roberts will not be a participant in the Survivor Series. Instead, the Legion of Doom and Big Boss Man will face the Natural Disasters and I.R.S. in a three-on-three tag team encounter.

Bobby "The Brain" Heenan: [Regarding Davey Boy Smith] Million dollar body, ten cent mind and Whoopi Goldberg's hairdo

Gorilla Monsoon: [after Piper kisses Sherri, who was not supposed to be at ringside] The referee's finally realized that she was out there, not supposed to be, she's on her way out of there.

Bobby: Know where she's going? She's going to get a tetanus shot.

Gorilla: I hope so.

Bobby: If Piper kissed you, you'd have to have shots too, Monsoon. Well, maybe not, I don't know.

Bobby: There's gonna be a lot of trouble there in the Macho household.

Gorilla: What are you talking about?

Bobby: Well, he's been reinstated, right? He can wrestle again.

Gorilla: Yes.

Bobby: Who's gonna do the dishes?

[During the Team Piper vs. Team Flair match]

Gorilla: Six remaining, and they're all in there. [Piper whips Flair into the corner, who flips over the top and onto the floor] Flair into the corner, up and over the top and out. He's the legal man out.

Bobby: Hold my jacket!

Gorilla: Where're you going?

Bobby: I think I have to go down there and help him out.

Gorilla: Oh, please.

Bobby: Well, if you insist, I'll stay here.

[The referee, failing to contain the battle of the five men in the ring, calls for the bell]

Gorilla: Referee calling for the bell to ring here. Disqualification perhaps, or count-out. [The action spills out to the floor. As this happens, Flair re-enters the ring.] I know Flair's the legal man out there.

Bobby: Well, they shouldn't disqualify him. They disqualify Piper? Who'd they disqualify?

Gorilla: Why don't you just wait a minute? Somebody's gonna be sent out of here.

Bobby: I think Piper gave up. I think he quit and said, "I've had enough." I'm not sure what happened. There're bodies all over the place.

Howard Finkel: Ladies and gentlemen, here is the referee's official decision.

Gorilla: Here it comes.

Howard: [cont'd] He has disqualified every participant that was battling in the ring except for one man who is the sole survivor and the winner: Ric Flair!

Gorilla: How on Earth could he do that?! [Piper attacks Flair, sending him out of the ring] Piper not too happy about it.

Bobby: Doesn't matter. The winner of the first tag match at Survivor Series, the real world's champion, Ric Flair! Now give me one, Monsoon! WOOOOO!!!

Gorilla: I'd like to give you one.

Bobby: Right here in Jim Louis Arena.

Gorilla: Joe Louis!

Bobby: Joe Louis, sorry.

Gorilla: Who's Jim Louis?

Bobby: Who's Joe Louis?

Gorilla: Brain, if you keep quiet, no one will know how stupid you are.

Bobby: You're kidding.

Bobby: It's four against four. Do you realize Duggan's looking across the ring and sees eight?

Mean Gene Okerlund: All right, Jake "The Snake" Roberts, these people saw what happened this weekend, I saw it, and millions around the world had an opportunity to see what took place. You said it was an accident.

Jake "The Snake" Roberts: Trust me, it was.

Gene: You said that snake had been devenomized by the lab.

Jake: Cross my heart and hope to die, that's what I was told.

Gene: You know, Jake Roberts, do you realize how much anguish you have caused the Macho Man Randy Savage and Miss Elizabeth, the torture that these...

Jake: Yeah, it excited me a bit. Yeah, I thought about it for a long time.

Gene: You are a sick man, Jake Roberts.

Jake: Thank you very much.

Gene: You know, there are many who say that Jack Tunney should have 86'ed you for your actions, you should be out of the World Wrestling Federation altogether! You're very fortunate to have an opportunity to meet the Macho Man Randy Savage one-on-one, This Tuesday in Texas, and I, for one, can hardly wait.

Jake: Is that right?

Gene: That's right.

Jake: You know, let's start off by saying this. You're trying to cast me as the original sinner; well, I spoke to God this morning, and he said he doesn't like you. So let's point the finger at somebody else besides me. Let's point the finger at the people that voted for Savage, let's point the finger at Jack Tunney, let's point the finger at the World Wrestling Federation, not at me.

Gene: You know, when you take a look at everything, the one-on-one match-up between you and the Macho Man Randy Savage, all of a sudden now, there is a very interesting hook to all of this—the fact that there will be no reptiles allowed at ringside, and that means no snakes in the bag.

Jake: You know, it's hard to believe after six years, you people haven't caught on yet. The thing in the bag was simply a toy, something for me to amuse myself with. I've always been the snake you should worry about, and for six years you haven't caught on. It surprises me that anyone, even you, can be that ignorant.

Gene: You laugh.

Jake: Yeah, I laugh. Because Tuesday in Texas, Elizabeth, you have a ticket. You have a one-way ticket, a one-way ticket, Elizabeth. So don't be shy, sweetheart, let's use it, huh? You show up. A one-way ticket to the other side, if you will. Because this Tuesday in Texas...princess, don't expect the prince to be there to wake you up with a kiss, because you see...Tuesday in Texas is not the end, it is not the beginning, it's not even the beginning of the end, yet the end of the beginning.

Gorilla: Undertaker trying to rip the face off the Hulkster.

Bobby: What a rip-off, huh? Well, Detroit's known for hockey, so that would be a face-off.

Gorilla: Will you stop!

Bobby: [after Paul Bearer chokes Hogan a second time] I'll tell you, this monitor just keeps kickin' in, kickin' out.

Gorilla: I'm gonna start kickin' you in and out in a minute!

Gorilla: [after Hogan nails Flair on the outside] Whoa! He said "What are you doing here?" and unloads!

Bobby: Why did Hogan have to go touch Flair? Flair never touched the ring!

Gorilla: Look at this! [Flair places a steel chair in front of the Undertaker and he tombstones Hogan on it] Flair with a chair, a steel chair! Oh! He got piledrived, right through the steel chair!

Bobby: Wait a minute... one, two...

Gorilla: [as the referee and Bobby count] Come on! Get out!

Bobby: WE'VE GOT A NEW WORLD CHAMPION! WE GOT A NEW WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION CHAMPION! WOOOOO!

Gorilla: What a miscarriage of justice!

Bobby: I told you so!

Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this bout and NEW World Wrestling Federation Champion: The Undertaker!

Gorilla: This is horrendous! Three guys it took—it took the Undertaker, Paul Bearer, and Ric Flair to beat Hulk Hogan!

Bobby: Hulkamania is dead! It is dead! Long live the Undertaker!

Gorilla: Walkin onto here as the new World Wrestling Federation champion, but not deservedly so, The Undertaker.

Bobby: Look at his eyes, look at his eyes! The man is possessed!

Gorilla: I suppose you thought that was fair Brain.

Bobby: Does it matter what I think?

Gorilla: It doesn't, huh?

Bobby: There is a World Wrestling Federation new world champion. Hulkamania is dead!

Gorilla: WWF officials in the ring right now checking on the Hulkster, obviously knocked silly, knocked unconscious as Ric Flair slipped that steel chair underneath the bottom rope, allowing the Undertaker to piledrive the Hulkster's head right into it.

Bobby: Well, had Hogan not gone outside the ring and put a hand on Ric Flair, the real World's champion, maybe he'd be standing right now. Maybe the match'd still be going right now. Maybe he'd be World Wrestling Federation Champion right now. But no, Hogan. You wanna live by your own rules. "Hulk rules," right? There's what Hulk rules, his back on the mat, no gold, no belt, and all these little punk Hulkamaniacs crying their eyes out! I love it, Hulkamania's been buried and it's dead!

Gorilla: Brain, give me a break. What business from the get-go did Ric Flair have down at ringside during this title match?!

Bobby: I don't know.

Gorilla: Oh you don't know. "I don't know." That's your standard out—"I don't know."

Bobby: You ask him if he...

Gorilla: He's the one responsible for this title change!

Gene: Roddy Piper, you saw what happened! You tell me!

Rowdy Roddy Piper: All right, man. It be a bad day in the WWF. They say anything can happen in the Survivor Series in the WWF, and it has. The Undertaker, the new WWF Champion, you Addams Family reject! I just saw Hogan down there, he got red in his eyes, he got hair on his teeth, screaming "Tunney! Tunney!" Where are you now, Tunney! You saw what happened. Oh, and Lurch's new-found friend, Cousin Itt, Ric Flair running down there. You're a real handy guy when someone's got his back turned! Ding-dong! Ding-dong! We're hearing the bell, Undertaker. Ding-dong! Flair, we're hearing the bell! As far as I'm concerned, when it comes to the Undertaker becoming the WWF Champ with the help of Ric Flair, ain't no different than David Duke becoming Prez. We hear the bells, and we be coming. Ding-dong.

Gene: Never in my life have I seen anything quite so disgusting! Quite so despicable. As a matter of fact Jack Tunney, It's a travesty! And I want to know what you're going to do about it.

Tunney: Gene, not withstanding what actually occurred this evening in the gravest challenge, the referee's decision is final.

Gene: That's wrong!

Tunney: And cannot be challenged by me. However, it is well within my authority to order a rematch at the earliest possible date. Therefore, it is my decision that the Undertaker meet Hulk Hogan in a rematch for the World Wrestling Federation title this Tuesday in Texas.

Gene: Amen.

Tunney: And furthermore, I will physically be at ringside to ensure a fair and just outcome.

Gene: President Jack Tunney, you have acted very quickly. I know it's a difficult decision but I certainly concur and look forward to this Tuesday night.

Gorilla: I have trouble telling the Beverly's apart.

Bobby: Beau's the one with the blond hair.

Bobby: What a night this is for me. And tomorrow, I'm having a bunch of guests over to my home in Beverly Hills, turkey for everyone, only 8 bucks a head at the door.

Gorilla: Marty Jannetty, in picking up one of the Nasty Boys, accidentally kicked his own partner right in the face with the legs of the Nasty Boy. Shawn really bent out of shape here, furious with Marty Jannetty, and Marty Jannetty saying...Marty doesn't even know what happened.

Bobby: Well, I'll tell you, it's like I was reading in WWF Magazine, there's dissension between the Rockers. You know, they've hated each other...

Gorilla: They did not! Will you stop, that's not true!

Bobby: They don't get along at all! They're both prima donnas!

Gorilla: They are not!

Bobby: The rumors about them are true!

Gorilla: What rumors?

Bobby: That they can't stand each other, in the World Wrestling Federation Magazine. Don't you read that publication?! I have my own column in it, I read it every month!

Gorilla: All you do is look at the pictures! I don't think you can read!

Gorilla: Well, it's all gonna happen This Tuesday in Texas, Brain. The big one. Newly crowned World Wrestling Federation Champion, the Undertaker, his first title defense against the former Champion, the Hulkster. What an opportunity for him to become 4-time, unprecedented, holder of the WWF Title.

Bobby: Is that gonna be something, when they play that "Real American" music, and he walks to the ring without the belt?

Gorilla: And also, the Macho Man Randy Savage...

Bobby: Oh, yeah, with Elizabeth.

Gorilla: ...back inside the ring to face Jake "The Snake" Roberts. [Checking headset] What's that? Yes? Oh, we have found, we have located...

Bobby: [checking his headset] Hello?

Gorilla: Mean Gene Okerlund, we understand he has found the Undertaker. [Bobby takes out his headset and picks up the phone] Gene Okerlund, where are you?

[Cut to Mean Gene in a dark place]

Mean Gene: I'm not quite certain, Gorilla Monsoon. However, I must say I feel very uncomfortable here in the catacombs, in the bowels, if you will, of Joe Louis Arena where I have finally found the new World Wrestling Federation Champion, the Undertaker. Manager Paul Bearer, you cannot be happy with the decision of President Jack Tunney ordering the rematch This Tuesday in Texas with your man, the Undertaker, facing the Immortal Hulk Hogan.

Paul Bearer: Oh, Mr. Okerlund, nothing is immortal, not even Hulkamania. Hulkamania died right here this very evening, oh yes. And normally, Mr. Okerlund, when something dies, you hold the services almost immediately, but not in the case of Hulkamania. We'll hold him over, yes, right in the embalming room of my funeral parlor. And sometime between now and Tuesday, we will eviscerate him. Oh, yes. Eviscerate his bluing flesh. Oh, that stench.

Undertaker: We warned you what was in store for Hulk Hogan. And now, Mr. Okerlund, let me enlighten you what we have in store for Hulkamania. [Opens the coffin] Look into the coffin. Look, Mr. Okerlund. Look. Hulkamania, it died at Survivor Series. Now, the only thing left is this Tuesday. [Closes the lid] The burial.

1992

Macho Man Randy Savage: Allow me to introduce my perfect tag team partner: Mr. Perfect, oooohhh yeahhhh!!!

Vince McMahon: Take a look at this, Bobby Heenan!

Bobby "The Brain" Heenan: This is turning my stomach.

Vince: Come on! Where is he? Where's Mr. Perfect? Where's the Macho Man's tag team partner?

Bobby: He took a hike!

Vince: He to... [Perfect enters] There he is!

Bobby: There he is, that no good backstabbing ingrate! Oh, you're gonna get it! You're gonna get it good!

Bobby: Perfect, you chew that gum with that arrogant smug look, but you may never see Thanksgiving tomorrow! You dirty, no good, rotten, lowlife, poor excuse for a human being! Razor, cut him up! Flair, slap that figure-four on and break both legs! They're not perfect, that's what's perfect! Savage, you picked yourself a loser. Listen to these humanoids — the audacity of them to cheer on a...shows you what society has come to.

Vince: Think about the Macho Man and the only perfect athlete in the WWF together.

Bobby: What do you mean "the only perfect athlete"?

Vince: You've said it many times before, I'm quoting you.

Bobby: Well, I thought he was! But to be a perfect athlete, you have to be a perfect man, a man of integrity! When he turned on me, Flair and Ramon, he showed me so! He's not perfect!

Vince: That doesn't take anything away from his athletic prowess, does it?

Bobby: I believe it does!

Sean Mooney: With me now, the reigning Intercontinental Champion, Shawn Michaels. During the past month, we have witnessed an incredible turn of events in your life. Conspicuous by her absence, your manager Sensational Sherri, who right now is recovering from injuries she suffered during a confrontation you had with Marty Jannetty, and many believe it pushed you to save yourself to pull Sensational Sherri in front of...

"The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels: [interrupting] That's a lie, that...is a bald-faced lie.

Sean: Nonetheless, without your manager, less than two weeks ago, you captured the Intercontinental Title from what seemed to be an invincible British Bulldog, Davey Boy Smith. And tonight, here at the Survivor Series, you face a man many believe is the greatest scientific wrestler of all time, Bret "The Hitman" Hart. And he is indeed a fighting champion. During his short tenure, he has defended the title more than any man in World Wrestling Federation history.

Shawn: You wanna talk history there, Sean Mooney? Let's talk a little history. Who is the man that beat Bret Hart at SummerSlam for the Intercontinental Title?

Sean: The British Bulldog.

Shawn: That's right. Now, who is the man that defeated the British Bulldog—quite easily, I might add—to become the new WWF Intercontinental Champion?

Sean: Well, you did, everyone knows...

Shawn: That's right, me. Now, for all you mathematical geniuses out there, 1 and 1 make 2. Two belts. See, when I signed for this match, Hitman, I knew I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. Your belt's on the line, mine stays right here. So tonight, all over the world, the last thing the people will hear is, "ladies and gentlemen, Shawn Michaels, the Intercontinental Champion...and new World Wrestling Federation Champion, has left the building."

Mean Gene Okerlund: All right, we have just heard from challenger, Intercontinental Champion Shawn Michaels. With me right now, the World Wrestling Federation Champion himself, Bret "the Hitman" Hart, bringing his scientific knowledge here to the Survivor Series. Bret Hart, I vividly recall recently up in your home country in Canada, Saskatoon, you defeated the Nature Boy Ric Flair and made World Wrestling Federation history. You did it with your patented, painful leg submission hold, the Sharpshooter. Since that time, you've embarked on a most ambitious series of title defenses. You've said "no" to no one; you've taken on all comers. I recall in two and a half week span of time, you met and defeated—get this lineup—the Mountie, the Berzerker, Rick "The Model" Martel, big Papa Shango. Most recently, you defeated Virgil. You did it with the Sharpshooter. Tonight, this title—your title, Bret Hart—the World Wrestling Federation Title is on the line as you meet Intercontinental Champion Shawn Michaels.

Bret "Hitman" Hart: You know, Gene, Survivor Series and Thanksgiving have always been held in real close association. And everybody around the world knows that Thanksgiving is maybe the most special day for giving thanks. And nobody knows more about giving thanks than I do. As I stand before you right now, being the World Wrestling Federation champion, took me a long time to get this far, Gene. And Shawn Michaels, it's not about giving thanks for surviving one night. It's like surviving eight and a half years. That's what I've been doing, Shawn Michaels. I've been surviving a long time. I started out on the bottom, Shawn Michaels, of the World Wrestling Federation, I started out taking on everybody, clawing and fighting my way to the top, fighting my way through injuries, pain, all kinds of opponents. All kinds of shapes and sizes. And it didn't matter who it was, Shawn Michaels, I went through the tag teams, I went through the Intercontinental. But you know, Shawn Michaels, I've won a few, I've lost a few. But I'm right now, I'm at the highest. I am the World Wrestling Federation Champion, and I am proud of it. Shawn Michaels, you're a great wrestler, you got all kinds of great moves. And I got nothing but respect for you. You're gonna be a great Intercontinental Champion. But Shawn Michaels, tonight we're gonna find out who's gonna survive as the World Wrestling Federation champion. And the Excellence of Execution is feeling pretty excellent tonight.

Bobby: [as Shawn Michaels tries to grab Bret Hart's hair] You can't yank that hair. 65 pounds of oil in it.

Bobby: He is on fire. He's white hot. This man is hot.

Vince: The Hitman Bret Hart is indeed, I agree with you.

Bobby: You bet. No, I'm talking about Shawn Michaels! Don't you ever pay attention to me?

1993

Bobby "The Brain" Heenan: You know why the Kid's not doing well? Look at the time! Its half an hour past his bed time!

Bobby: That's surviving, McMahon.

Vince McMahon: Pardon me, that's cheating.

Bobby: Well, cheating and surviving go hand in hand.

Bobby: Have you ever cheated somebody?

Vince: Of course not.

Bobby: You should try it! It's a ball!

Vince: Bobby Heenan...

Vince: Oh come on, ref...

Bobby: What, do you want to referee now too? You wanna be president of the World Wrestling Federation?

Bobby: A good big man will always beat a small little punk.

Vince: I don't know if I've ever heard it put quite that way, Bobby Heenan...

Vince: (Adam Bomb and Rick Martel are obviously cheating) Come on ref, open your eyes!

Bobby: Hey, he's doing a great job!

Vince: Is that you call teamwork, Bobby Heenan?

Bobby: Yes I do, what do you call teamwork? (disgusted) Fair tags? Life isn't fair, McMahon.

Vince: Razor Ramon might just be the WWF superstar of the year!

Bobby: Am I still in the running?

Bobby: Come on, tear his leg out of his socket!

Vince: Stop it, Bobby Heenan!

Vince: What heart this young man has!

Bobby: So kick him in the heart.

"The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels: Aw, gee, can you imagine that? I upset the Hart family. I feel so bad about that. I got news for you. If I had a mom and dad that looked like that, I'd have put 'em six feet under a long time ago, whether those hearts were still pumping or not. And I got news for you. Bret "The Hitman" Hart, you and I have a history. I got a little something to settle with you anyway after what happened last Survivor Series. But you know, something's a little bit different — I still got my gold, and you got nothing. And what else do I have? I got three knights that I handpicked myself. What's he got? He's got his little brother, "The Rocket" Owen Hart; and he's got another brother, a fireman — I got something for the fireman, I'm so hot you can't put me out — and the other guy? He's a substitute schoolteacher. I don't need anybody teaching me anything, I know it all. Hart family, you guys are going down where your mom and your dad oughta be. And if that old man sticks his nose in my business, I'm gonna waffle him upside the head and somehow make him uglier than he already is.

Bobby: (after Ross and Wayne Hart are introduced) That's what it is. (sniffing) I thought it was zoo dirt.

Bobby: (on Ray Combs) Are you sure that's not Wink Martindale?

Vince: There are 20 Hart family members here at ringside tonight.

Bobby: And Helen just gave birth to 8 of them.

Vince: Stu Hart last wrestled at the Boston Garden in 1945.

Bobby: No you're wrong about that. 1845. He was at the tail end of his career.

Bobby: Ray, you know the movie Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan? Stu and Helen are going to remake the movie. They're going to meet eye to eye over a bowl of prunes and call it Senile in Seattle.

Bobby: Excuse me one minute. (yelling) Hey Stu (Hart), wake up! He fell asleep.

Vince: He's gonna wake up. He's gonna come over here, Bobby.

Bobby: That'll take two hours. We'll be off the air.

Bobby: (On Bruce Hart) His name is Bruce, right? What a stupid name. You have nine months, and you come up with "Bruce"?

Bobby: (On being told Keith Hart is a fireman) Keith is a fireman? He's more like the spotted dog that rides on the back of the truck!

Bobby: (On the hooded Blue Knight) This Blue Knight's really put together, huh? I know who he is!

Vince: Alright, who is he?

Bobby: Oh, I can't tell YOU.

Ray Combs: Say Bobby, I think you should wear a mask like the Knights.

Bobby: I should?

Combs: Uh huh, as a public service.

Bobby: You know, the Hart family is known as the cowards of Canada.

Vince: What do you mean, the cowards of Canada?

Bobby: That's just what I hear from people.

Bobby: (On Stu Hart) I asked Stu earlier, I asked him, you gotta be proud of your boys. He said, "I have boys?"

Bobby: (Things break down in the ring and everyone starts fighting) Oh, it's just like dinner time at the Hart house.

Bobby: Now, wouldn't you classify 20 members of the Hart family living together as a ghetto?

Bobby: Stu just yelled over to Helen, "Helen, I'm damp". What does that mean?

Vince: Bobby Heenan, you're a bad man. You owe the entire Hart family an apology, as well as our audience.

Bobby: (The Red Knight kicks the fireman Keith Hart away from behind) Oh! He kicked the fireman right in his backdraft!

Combs: (On Keith Hart) You know, that little man out there is man who goes out and risks his life every day.

Bobby: Eating dinner at the Hart house is risking your life every day!

Bobby: I hope the director doesn't show the Hart family anymore.

Vince: Why's that?

Bobby: The phone'll be ringing off the hook over at America's Most Wanted!

Combs: I think they oughta start a show for you family.

Bobby: Oh yeah? What would they call it?

Combs: America's Most Unwanted.

Bobby: You know, all the Hart daughters look like the mom. I mean, the same age, like they're going on 85, 87...

Vince: You are an unkind man, Bobby Heenan.

Bobby: Her face could hold an 8 day rain with all those wrinkles!

Bobby: (On Stu Hart's jacket, which has a picture of a bear on the back) Oh look! He's got a picture of Helen on the back of his jacket, isn't that nice...

[After Owen Hart is eliminated]

Bobby: Shawn! Shawn! (throws a bottle of water to Shawn)

Combs: He's hanging-- You can't really give him water Bobby!

Bobby: I didn't. Someone from behind me threw it.

Bobby: (about Mabel) Mabel with all that hair and makeup on. Are you sure that's not Oprah Winfrey?

Vince: Would you be serious, Bobby Heenan?

Bobby: Oh that's right. She's dropped down to about 350.

Vince: We still don't know who Shawn Michaels' Knights were-

Bobby: I do!

Vince: Sure, of course you do, but you're not telling.

Vince: Mabel is huge, Bobby Heenan!

Bobby: Well, if you wolfed down 65 turkeys, you'd put on a few pounds too.

Bobby: (Afa is chewing on... something.) Look at Afa! He's eating the carcass of a... wow, this is Jurassic Park, isn't it!

Bobby: What's that smell?

Vince: That's Bastion Booger, I believe.

Bobby: WOW! ... I thought it was just Boston.

Vince: Whoomp, there it is!

Bobby: Whoopsie, there it is.

Bobby: The ring is a mess. It's like the table when Bastion Booger eats!

[At the end of the four Doinks match]

Vince: This is a cartoon! Forget about Looney Tunes. Forget about Hanna Barbera. They've got nothing on the WWF!

Bobby: Not tonight!

Vince: Not tonight!

Bobby: This looks like a match Chief Jay Strongbow should've wrestled in.

...

Bobby: There's confetti on the floor, there's bananas on the floor, there's turkey carcasses on the floor, there's bananas in the ring, there's skins in the ring. There's a drumstick, there's a wing, there's a gizzard.

Vince: Where's a gizzard?

Bobby: I feel like I'm at Dahmer's house.

Todd Pettengill: Thanksgiving Eve, live from the Boston Garden, an American tradition. I am standing in the middle of the Foreign Fanatics' contigency on this American eve, Thanksgiving, after all, the celebration of America and all the victories we've had in this country...

Jim Cornette: Yeah.

Todd: Quite simply, your denigration policy across this country at this time specifically was not very well planned, Jim.

Jim: Pettengill, first of all, you don't know the meaning of half of those words you just spit out, you were looking them up all night in Funk & Wagnalls. Second of all, we haven't denigrated anybody, we're upholding a fine American tradition: be winners at any cost, and that's exactly what we are. We're winners, and we'd do anything to win. And thirdly, there's a fine old American tradition — carving up a turkey on Thanksgiving Eve, and that's what we're going to do. We're gonna carve up four of them. Now everybody's been asking, everybody's been wondering since this match was announced: "what is your strategy? How are you going to fight the All-Americans? Is it gonna be divide and conquer? Are you going to mount a frontal assault, an all-out attack?" Well, let me just say this. We've sat down and we've thought about this. The All-Americans — we look at them like one man, because they fight together, they stand together, they think as one. They're a unit, so how do you take a man out? Well, you can go for the mind, you can go for the heart, or you can go for the soul. Now, the heart of the All-Americans is the Steiner Brothers. They got a never-say-die attitude, they'll fight to the end; but you give a blow to the heart, it can be devastating. Now the mind, the mind is the Undertaker, because he's the master of fear, the master of psychology, the master of the psych-out; but if you take away a man's mind, he's confused, he's disoriented, and you can easily take him out. Then there's the soul, and the soul of the All-Americans is Lex Luger.

Todd: Team captain Lex Luger.

Jim: He's the — shut up, Pettengill! — he's the embodiment of the American Dream, he's the spirit to succeed, victory against the odds. Lex Luger is the soul of the All-Americans, and when you capture a man's soul, then you've defeated him once and for all. And tonight, that's gonna be our strategy: mind, heart & soul. The All-Americans are going down in the Boston Garden tonight!

Todd: Ladies and gentlemen, on Thanksgiving Eve, in the middle of the Foreign contingency, coming up next, it's the "Clash of the Superpowers."

Bobby: [on the Steiner Brothers] Graduates of the University of Wisconsin.

Vince: The University of Michigan, Bobby Heenan.

Bobby: I think they got their jackets on upside down. Anyone can graduate from Michigan. You could, even, a man who's hooked on phonics.

Bobby: Mr. Fuji, my hat goes off to you... if I had a hat.

Bobby: (Jacques hits a piledriver on Scott Steiner and covers him) It won't work. It won't work. (Steiner kicks out)

Vince: Why wouldn't it work?

Bobby: Because he dropped him on his head! There's nothing in there!

Bobby: Ok, so now it's three on...

Vince: Two, it's three on two.

Bobby: Three on two is five.

Vince: (pause) That's right. You're the Brain, huh? You can add.

Bobby: Well, I thought I'd tell you, you know, help you out.

Vince: Well, we have now have confirmation that Randy Savage has AGAIN been ejected from the building...

Bobby: How does he keep getting in? Is he Batman? Is he hanging from the rafters? Does he swing in on a pole?

Bobby: (On Lex Luger fighting Yokozuna) This is like a Volkswagon fighting a Greyhound bus!

Bobby: You know, The Undertaker's gonna start a new basketball team. Yeah, it's for guys six feet and under.

Bobby: (Undertaker sits up after being slammed down by Yokozuna) HE'S NOT A HUMAN BEING!

Bobby: (Yokozuna slams Undertaker down harder) He can't get up from this, or I'm a weasel!

Bobby: (On Ludvig Borga) He'll beat you all day until he beats you, but he'll do it nonchalantly if he has to beat you 100 times.

1994

Gorilla Monsoon: [on Jeff Jarrett's CD, "Ain't I Great"] I understand it's on the NAA label, Vince.

Vince McMahon: The NAA label? What's that?

Gorilla: Not available anywhere.

Howard Finkel: Ladies and gentlemen, the referee has counted all members of the Teamsters out of the ring. The winner and survivor of this bout: the Bad Guy, Razor Ramon!

Vince: Imagine that if you would. Razor Ramon victorious against all odds. Shawn Michaels with one instruction too many. Shawn Michaels and Diesel with apparently a huge difference of opinion, one I'm not so sure can be repaired.

"The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels: You tell Big Daddy Cool, he needs a ride, try hitting the pavement! Hit the bricks!

[During the Bret Hart/Bob Backlund match; Bret is in the Crossface Chickenwing. Owen Hart, in Backlund's corner, is pleading with Helen Hart to throw in the towel for Hart.]

Vince: Bret Hart, against all odds is somehow hanging on! Owen Hart, standing by with his mom and dad, watching Bret suffer in this hold!

Owen Hart: [to Helen] Throw it in! You've gotta throw it in!

Gorilla: [Helen takes the black towel from out of the grasp of Stu Hart. Stu attempts to stop her, but Helen throws it into the ring before he can do anything] OH NO!

Vince: SHE THREW THE TOWEL IN! SHE THREW THE TOWEL IN! [The bell rings and Backlund releases the hold. Owen enters the ring and retrieves the towel. The referee then raises Backlund's hand in victory] And the towel has been thrown in! Oh no! [Owen, both towels in hand, runs backstage] But wait a minute! Wait a minute! I'm not going to believe this until there's an announcement.

Gorilla: [Stu and Helen discuss what had happened, while Bret continue to rive in pain] Hitman is hurt, Vince, and hurt bad.

Vince: [as referees check on Bret] Gorilla Monsoon, I think we have a new World Wrestling Federation Champion, and Helen Hart did what she had to do.

Gorilla: What's a mother to do?!

Vince: And... oh no. This can't be. [WWF officials arrive and help Stu and Helen get Bret out of the ring. Meanwhile Backlund is being offered the belt, and Backlund requests the belt be put around his waist] Can you believe this? Officials here in the WWF trying to help Bret back to the dressing room area. Imagine the anguish that Helen Hart and Stu must feel...

Gorilla: Hitman...

Vince: Imagine... because it was Helen Hart who finally yanked the towel out of Stu's hand and threw it in, and thus she ended the match, and thus she ended the reign of Bret Hart. Oh no.

Howard: Ladies and Gentlemen, the winner of this contest, and NEW World Wrestling Federation Champion: Mr. Bob Backlund!

Vince: [Over Finkel's announcement] Look at that! That's gotta break Bret Hart. That's gotta break his heart!

Gorilla: Well we've come full circle, eleven years has gone by, and Bob Backlund is once again the reigning World Wrestling Federation Champion.

Vince: I can't believe it, I cannot believe it! Bob Backlund wears the World Wrestling Federation Championship! George Foreman did it in boxing; Bob Backlund has just done it at the same age, 45, in the World Wrestling Federation; and Backlund looking at his hands, his characteristic look, I don't know that he can even believe it. But the Hitman never quit.

...

Vince: This is the new WWF Generation? I shudder to think!

Gorilla: This is the flag-bearer now for the World Wrestling Federation?

Vince: We're being told, not to cut Backlund's celebration short. Look at him, he's acting like he's 10 feet tall! Look at him.

Todd Pettengill: Obviously, we've just witnessed some...we thought you were having compassion for your brother. Vince McMahon said we're seeing the "true Owen Hart." This obviously was some sort of setup.

Owen: A setup? You got it right, it was a setup! This is the greatest Thanksgiving of my life! And Mom and Dad? [Laughing] You fell right into my trap! You threw the towel in! And Bret, you're no longer the WWF Champion! Mr. Backlund is! And Bret, I could've beaten you before, but you cheated; but now you're nothing! You're below me, you're down there in the gutter, Bret! You're not a champion anymore, [sing-songy] you're a loser, and I'm a king, and Bret, you're a nobody. I'm gonna be the WWF Tag Team Champion, I am gonna be a WWF Intercontinental Champion, and Bret, I am gonna be the WWF World Heavyweight Champion; and I, unlike you, will never quit, I will never surrender! You're a quitter, Bret! Mom and Dad threw in the towel, and you're history, Bret. And I am the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be. Don't you forget it, brother. Woo!

Todd: Let's go back to ringside. [cut back to the commentary table]

Vince: I can't believe it.

Gorilla: What a creep! Unbelievable! I thought he was showing legitimate compassion! Tears were running down his face, Vince!

Vince: I actually feel betrayed. I mean, for Owen Hart to...he was pleading with his mom and dad...

Gorilla: How could you do that?

Vince: ...and all along...

Gorilla: How could you do that to your mother and father, and your brother? What kind of an ingrate...he's a worse individual than I thought he was. He's a creep, first-class.

Vince: Well at any rate, we have a new WWF champion.

Gorilla: A lot of folks crying out here. I don't blame them. You got to wonder what Stu and Helen are thinking right now.

Todd: I am standing with Bob Backlund. He did exactly what he said he was going to do. Agree or disagree with his tactics, he is now 2-time WWF Champion...

Bob Backlund: [interrupting] Wait a minute, wait a minute. First of all, young man, it's Mr. Bob Backlund, and you're incorrect. I've been the Champion since 1978. I never lost the Championship. Tonight I just regained the belt, and I beat the man that represents your society! I beat him so I could save you! I'm going to scrutinize you to the fullest, pasteurize you, homogenize you, and synchronize you back into morality! You understand, ladies and gentlemen? It's sports-education! I'M YOUR CHAMPION! And I'll take on anybody...anybody at all, ladies and gentlemen, in your generation, 'cause I'm fighting for something that's more important than anything in this world, is put morality back into your lives; and now your children have somebody that they can emulate after, and try to catch up to... 'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE GOD!!!

1995

Jim Ross: As far as his popularity goes, The 1-2-3 Kid has gone from the penthouse to the outhouse.

Vince McMahon: Any individual who is as resilient as Michaels is, who's been knocked down so many times, and just keeps getting right back up.

Mr. Perfect: Well, that just shows how stupid he is!

Vince: Suffering a concussion recently in Syracuse as a result of a brutal attack, Michaels returns to the squared circle! Yeah, Shawn Michaels ready for action here, but will he survive in the tag-team elimination wild card match-up? It's gonna get wild here in a minute!

Jim: Can you imagine, in a small room, putting Bill Clinton and Newt Gingrich—how would they get along? Even though they got one common goal, that's to balance the budget. That's exactly the charge that Shawn Michaels, Ahmed Johnson, Psycho Sid, and the British Bulldog have—to balance the budget. Can they get along? We're gonna find out.

Mr. Perfect: [on Ahmed Johnson] This guy's terrible.

Vince: You just said you were impressed with Ahmed Johnson.

Mr. Perfect: Eh, when he's up, he's good; when he's down, he's bad.

1996

Mankind: Don't worry, Uncle Paul. Think back to Buried Alive, think back to, with his last dying gasp, how the Undertaker came to life. It doesn't bother me! Because I know, whatever form you take, Undertaker, you'll be crawling with your gasping breaths down the aisle at Madison Square Garden! And I will stomp you like the cockroaches I used to call dinner. And just like those lovely insects, at Survivor Series, Undertaker, I'm gonna eat you alive! Have a nice day!

Vince McMahon: Here comes the bizarre one with Marlena.

Sunny: No, it's Marlena, followed by Goldust. Get it straight, big guy. Any self-respecting woman lets her man follow her.

Vince: You don't smoke though, do you?

Sunny: Oh God, no. I'm allergic...absolutely horrible. I'm as innocent and pure as I look.

Vince: Wow...

Jim Ross: Anyway, so much for truth in broadcasting.

Vince: The King really hates this "Burger King" chant.

Sunny: Well I bet you would like a "Vince, take off the toupee" chant huh?

Sunny: [as Hunter Hearst Helmsley enters] Wins the gold, loses the chick? What's the deal with that?

Jim: I think he's focused.

Sunny: That's one word for it; stupid's another.

Jim: Why would he want to have a woman at ringside with him anyway? What purpose would it serve in this matchup?

Sunny: Wait a minute, who are you asking here, Jim Ross?

Jim: Well, you're the only woman sitting here...

Sunny: Listen, I make a living out of being at ringside with men and telling them what to do and...hey, if I feel like it, I'll tell you what to do too. So why don't you just sit there, Chubby, and be quiet.

Jim: Okay, thank you very much.

Jim: Crush is a lot like Michael Irvin — keep him out of jail, he can play.

Sunny: [on Rocky Maivia] Look at this, he's a newcomer and they're already chanting his name. The entire building, 20,000 people.

Jim: It won't be the last time!

Howard Finkel: Here is your winner: Rocky Maivia!

Sunny: Oh my God, I feel like my name should be Adrian!

Jim: What a way to make your debut, with a big show in the Big Apple at the Survivor Series!

Vince: What a dream come true for this first third-generation WWF superstar! And how proud is Rocky Johnson and his mom? How proud are Mom and Dad sitting in Florida, watching this on pay-per-view, JR.

Jim: They've gotta be loving this, Grandma watching in Hawaii, and I'm sure the High Chief is looking on with a big smile on his face.

Sunny: Well you know, I'm proud of him too, and I haven't even gotten a chance to seduce him yet.

Stone Cold Steve Austin: Everybody talks about "the best there is, the best there was", all the other crap. The Excellence of Execution. Bret, cliches are cliches, an ass-whipping is an ass-whipping, and that's exactly what you're gonna get tonight at the hands of Stone Cold Steve Austin, and that's the bottom line!

Vince: How ironic would it be if Stone Cold Steve Austin placed the Sharpshooter on Bret Hart and won by submission? Again, anything can happen in the WWF.

Jim: Bret Hart won his 2nd WWF title here at the Garden at Wrestlemania X. I watched that on pay per view Vince.

Jim Cornette: [on Razor Ramon II and Diesel II] Okay, JR, these are your guys, they're your proteges!

Jim: I'm not their manager! You manage Vader. If I were managing these guys, they'd be doing a heck of... if I were managing Vader, he'd be doing better! He'd probably be the champion!

Cornette: You couldn't manage a Wendy's!

Jim: I could if you lived in the town.

Jim: [On Flash Funk's entrance] I tell you, red and yellow never looked so good in the Garden.

Vince: Shawn Michaels said earlier that he would do anything to retain the title, and Sid proved he would do anything to take it.

1997

Road Dogg Jesse James: Hello, all you maple leaf loving freaks! You're about to find out the true meaning of "southern justice". I see that "Steers n' Queers" have already made their way to the ring. Well, now all you real true-to-life Yankee bastards are gonna see what southern justice is all about. Blacktracks and Buttbangers, you are done for.

Jim Ross: Interestingly enough, King, only one member of Team Canada was born in Canada — that's Phil LaFon. The Bulldog's from Manchester, England; Doug Furnas from Commerce, Oklahoma; and Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart from Reno, Nevada.

Jerry "The King" Lawler: Don't ever let the facts get in the way of a good story, Ross. Who cares? This is Canada against the United States, and quite frankly, I'm a little bit ashamed of the team that we're fielding.

Michael Cole: Vince, I'm gonna put you on the hot seat now—who's gonna win?

Vince McMahon: I don't know.

Jim: Owen Hart with a tremendous ovation in his home country, and Owen Hart...aw, look at this. What an act of bravery. Owen Hart, defending the Intercontinental Title, is bringing Team Canada with him.

Jerry: Well, it takes that many guys to carry all of Owen Hart's awards — those Slammies, all the titles, those flags.

Jim: Yeah, Owen Hart has won a couple of Slammies, he's won two WWF Tag Titles, he's been the Intercontinental Champion twice. In some people's view, he is the real "Hitman" of the Hart family, because he almost put Shawn Michaels on the shelf with a kick to the back of the head, and we all know what he did to Stone Cold Steve Austin at SummerSlam.

Jerry: And you know, let's face it. In actuality, the physicians have not cleared Stone Cold to wrestle. They probably never will again. He had to go...he had to sidetrack the physicians. He had to get this match OK'd...well, he had to okay it himself. He had to indemnify Vince McMahon and the World Wrestling Federation, tell them they wouldn't be sued if his career was ended, and that may be the biggest mistake Stone Cold's ever made in his life.

Jim: Austin again... [hits the Stone Cold Stunner on Owen Hart and covers him] OH AUSTIN! THE STUNNER! THE STONE COLD STUNNER! It's... [the referee counts three] YES!

Jerry: No!

Jim: AUSTIN'S THE CHAMPION! STEVE AUSTIN IS THE NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION! [Doug Furnas and Phil LaFon attack, but Austin Stuns both] Wait a minute! Team Canada's back! Furnas, LaFon, Stunner for your trouble! The Rattlesnake did it!

Albert DeFrusia: ...et nouveau Champion Intercontinental: Stone Cold Steve Austin!

Jim: Austin walks into hostile territory, and he comes away with the Intercontinental Championship, and now the fans seem to love him!

Jerry: I told you these Canadians are idiots!

McMahon: Ring the bell! Ring the fucking bell!

1998

Mr. McMahon: Tonight, the mystery opponent...to square off against Mankind. This legend, in the ranks of sports-entertainment, made his WWF debut in 1990. Over the course of the next six years, this charismatic superstar boasted a won-loss record that set new standards here in the WWF. Unfortunately, seeking more opposition of his own caliber, this natural athlete jumped ship to the "dubya-C-dubya" (WCW)...

Jerry "The King" Lawler: Woah! Who is it?

Mr. McMahon: ...and after suffering a massive shoulder injury, this cornerstone of the World Wrestling Federation has been sidelined for the past two years. With his career on the line, he fought back with resilience, dreaming of this triumphant return to the ring here tonight. Therefore, without further ado, allow me to introduce to you. Currently, the coach of the Pasadena Chargers. The man...the myth...Duane Gill.

Jerry: Who?

Jim Ross: What...is he....?

Jerry: Duane Gill? Wait a minute I know him, that's Duane Gill!

Jim: Well I'm not...he's...he's...he's got a video. McMahon has had a video prepared to Duane Gill, who has spent more time on the canvas than Rembrandt.

Jerry: What? This is Mankind's mystery opponent? Handpicked by Mr. Vince McMahon?

Jim: Well, I tell you what...when McMahon told Mankind that... [pyro goes off] OH! I don't think Duane's quite used to getting pyro.

Jerry: He's got pyro and it scared him!

Jim: I think that, I was informed just a second ago by our producers, that the Pasadena Chargers...is an elementary school football team. It's no as as if came...

Jerry: Well don't hold that against him.

Jim: It's not as as if he came from the NFL or something.

Jerry: Why don't you just listen to me a little more, JR? I've been doing this a few years, you know. I know what I'm talking about.

Jim: I watched you when I was a kid; I learned something every day.

Road Dogg Jesse James: You got a promise, Kiel Center, from the D-O-Double-G and Mr. B. A-Double-Poisonous-Serpents. Buttbangers, go get you a WWF Merchandise Catalog and see if you can't order a couple of IC belts.

Jim: Ladies and gentlemen, the World Wrestling Federation Championship is coveted in this industry, there's no doubt about that. The biggest names in the game have worn the World Wrestling Federation Title. It will be bestowed, it will be won by a new man here tonight, King. Either Mankind — obviously the chosen one, a corporate chosen one by Vince McMahon — or the "people's champion", the Rock.

[As The Rock puts the Sharpshooter on Mankind]

Jim: There's the Sharpshooter.

Jerry: Sharpshooter!

[Earl Hebner looks for Mankind's submission, but Vince McMahon orders for the bell to ring]

Jim: McMahon said, "ring the bell!" Wait a minute.

Jerry: What?

Jim: Wait a minute.

Howard Finkel: Ladies and gentlemen, as a result of a submission, the winner... and NEW World Wrestling Federation Champion: The Rock!

[Shane and Vince McMahon face The Rock with spread arms seeking an embrace, which The Rock accepts]

Jerry: WHAT?!?!

Jim: What the hell? They're in it all along, all three of them! They screwed us all... McMahon and the family, The Rock, they screwed us all!!!

The Rock: Vince, just like last Sunday on Heat, when the Rock said he'd rather be the People's Ass than to ever kiss yours. Well tonight, it's time for each and every single piece of trailer park trash to kiss the Rock's, if you smell what the Rock is cookin'!

1999

Kurt Angle: You do not boo an Olympic Gold Medalist. You do not boo an Olympic Gold Medalist! I'm the best in the world. I came here for you. You do not boo me.

Jim Ross: Vince McMahon in the ring! Now Vince has got the title belt.

Jerry "The King" Lawler: OH! [Big Show chokeslams Billy Gunn]

Jim: Vince McMahon has got the title belt in his hand, King.

Jerry: Look out! Wha... [Vince swings at Triple H with the belt, but misses] Uh-oh.

Jim: Oh, going for Triple H's head...

Jerry: [Vince swings again, and this time hits Triple H] NO!

Jim: AND HE GOT IT! McMAHON JUST KNOCKED TRIPLE H DOWN WITH THE BELT! [Big Show picks up Triple H and chokeslams him] THE BIG SHOW WITH A CHOKESLAM!

Jerry: [Big Show covers him. Vince, who was scheduled to be the referee for this match, counts and the audience counts along with him] No! I can't believe it! [Vince counts three]

Jim: THE BIG SHOW! McMAHON HAS SCREWED HELMSLEY!

Howard Finkel: [as he says this, Vince hands over the title to the Big Show] The winner of this bout, and NEW World Wrestling Federation Champion: The Big Show!

Jim Ross: Vince McMahon has screwed Triple H, and it is Show Time! It's Show Time! Triple H has lost the WWF Title to the Big Show!

2000

[Triple H is in his car but Austin has trapped him with a forklift and is gradually lifting it up]

Triple H: Austin, you're gonna regret this, don't do it!

Austin: I'm gonna do it you pissed me off!

Triple H: Austin, all right enough is enough, don't do it! Austin you're gonna regret it I know.

Austin: Ehheehh, give me a hell yeah you son of a bitch!

Triple H: [feels car tipping to the side] Austin don't, oh my god, Austin don't, don't, do [as car drops to the pavement] HOLY SHIT!!!

Jim Ross: The Game's in that car!! Austin just dropped the Game from that machine!!

2001

[As Austin has the Rock in the Sharpshooter]

Paul Heyman: Why doesn't Hebner call for the bell?!

Jim Ross: Because the Rock hasn't tapped!

Paul: Well, that never stopped him before at Survivor Series, did it?!

Jim: Austin thrown right into the face of Earl Hebner. Down goes the referee. The Rock measuring Austin! [The Rock sets Austin up for the Rock Bottom, but Austin counters] Looking for the Rock Bottom!

Paul: [Austin hits the Stone Cold Stunner on the Rock] STUNNER! OH MY GOD, IT'S OVER! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! IT'S FINALLY OVER! The legacy of the World Wrestling Federation dies here! [Austin covers, but Hebner is still down] COVER!!!!!

Jim: But there's no referee!

Paul: DAMN IT!

Jim: Austin, he... he... he knocked his own referee out.

Paul: It was unintentional!

Jim: But then he... he inadvertently ran over Earl Hebner. [as he says this, Kurt Angle, who had moments ago been eliminated, reenters] The Rock starting to stir, but wait... wait a minute.

Paul: [Angle grabs Austin's WWF title] Here comes Kurt. Thank God.

Jim: That son of a... [Angle hits Austin with the title belt] OH! KURT ANGLE JUST... HE JUST NAILED AUSTIN! [The Rock delivers the Rock Bottom to Austin] THE ROCK BOTTOM! THE ROCK BOTTOM! [Hebner slowly makes it to the Rock pinning Austin and counts slowly. The crowd counts along with him] THE COUNT! THE COUNT! [Hebner counts three. The crowd and the WWF locker room erupt] IT'S OVER! IT'S OVER! THE WWF HAS WON IT! [In shock, Heyman drops his headset]

Howard Finkel: [cut to the Alliance's locker room where Stephanie McMahon is screaming in anguish, and soon after back to the WWF locker room where their celebration continues] The winner of the fall: The Rock! And thus, the surviving organization: The World Wrestling Federation!

Jim: [Speaking to Heyman] How do you feel about that? You're out of work! You're out of work again! You didn't win, Paul! Your man lost! Kurt Angle just screwed you guys!

Stephanie McMahon: [overlap on Alliance footage; crying] Oh my God, what have I done?!?!? [cue back to the WWF locker room's celebration]

Jim: The Rock with the Rock Bottom, and Kurt Angle drilled Austin with the WWF title belt! How ironic was that?!? The WWF wins! The Alliance dies at the Survivor Series! The weight of the WWF world, resting on the shoulders of The Rock and a bizarre, shocking assist, by Kurt Angle, has cost the Alliance. The Rock said he was gonna do it and he did it, and the billion-dollar Princess [referring to a kneeling Stephanie] can't believe it. Shane and Stephanie are out of business! Paul Heyman is out of business, and the Alliance is going belly-up.

2002

Scott Steiner: Gimme a fucking mic!

Jim Ross: And the Game going back; he's going to try it again.

Jerry "The King" Lawler: Oh-ho.

Jim: One more Pedigree! He's going to stop Michaels!

Jerry: [But Michaels back body drops out of the way] Look out, Game! Look out!

Jim: And Michaels back body dropped the Game! [Michaels gets into Superkick position] He came out of it!

Jerry: [Michaels hits Sweet Chin Music and the crowd erupts] Oh, he GOT him!

Jim: SWEET CHIN MUSIC! SWEET CHIN MUSIC! THE COVER! [Earl Hebner counts and the crowd counts along with him: "One"] THE COVER! ["Two"] HE GOT HIM! ["Three"; the crowd erupts again]

Jerry: NO! WHAT?!?

Jim: SHAWN MICHAELS! SHAWN MICHAELS IS THE WORLD CHAMPION!

Jerry: What?!? WHAT did you say?

Howard Finkel: [over Jerry talking] The winner of this bout, and NEW World Heavyweight Champion: HBK, Shawn Michaels!

Jim: THEY'RE ON THEIR FEET AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN! MY GOD, I DON'T BELIEVE IT! I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

Jerry: They're on their feet all over the world right now, JR! Nobody believes this!

Jim: SHAWN MICHAELS IS THE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!

Jerry: ACK! Look at this! [Confetti begins to drop from the rafters]

Jim: MY GOD, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

Jerry: This may be the world's biggest celebration!

Jim: I know it's been said before, BUT IN THE WWE, DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?!?

2003

[with only Randy Orton and Shawn Michaels remaining in the Team Bischoff vs. Team Austin match, after Orton inadvertently knocked out the referee with a crossbody meant for Michaels]

Jim Ross: That referee is not gonna get up anytime soon, I can guaran-damn-tee you that, but Shawn Michaels is, but he's willing himself up!

Jerry "The King" Lawler [addressing the blood on Michaels' face which resulted from a chair shot by Chris Jericho]: Look at his face from the damage.

[Michaels, having pulled himself up using the ropes, is about to signal for Sweet Chin Music]

Jim: The will to survive!

Jerry: You gotta be kidding, is he gonna...

Jim: He's one kick away...one kick away from ending this damn thing!

Jerry: Does he have the strength left in him, does he have the blood pumping through his veins? [but before Michaels can execute the kick, Eric Bischoff enters the ring and knocks down Michaels with a kick of his own] Look at this! Look at Bischoff!

Jim: And now Bischoff, with that martial arts kick!

[now Stone Cold Steve Austin enters the ring and attacks Bischoff]

Jerry: Look at Stone Cold!

Jim [as Austin stomps Bischoff out of the ring]: And Austin, knocking the hell out of Bischoff!

Jerry [as Austin spots Orton who has just gotten back up]: Yes! [Austin kicks Orton and gives him the Stone Cold Stunner] Hey!

Jim: Oh! Stunner!

Jerry: Woo-hoo!

Jim: STUNNER! THAT'LL DO IT!! AUSTIN GOT THE STUNNER ON ORTON!! [Austin now exits the ring and goes back to attacking Bischoff] AUSTIN GOT THE STUNNER ON ORTON!

Jerry: The Rattlesnake has struck!

Jim: And now Austin's gonna open a can of whip-ass on Eric Bischoff!

Jerry: Well, I don't blame him!

Jim: Eric Bischoff's getting whipped like a government mule by Stone Cold Steve Austin! Austin with a Stunner on Randy Orton! [as Austin's attack on Bischoff makes its way backstage, Batista enters the ring and grabs Michaels, who was about to cover Orton] Hey, wait a minute!

Jerry: Hey!

Jim: Wait a minute! It's that damn - that animal, Batista! Batista! [Batista slams down Michaels with a Batista Bomb] No!

Jerry: Oh!

Jim: For the love of God, no!

[as Batista exits the ring, the referee finally comes to]

Jerry: Oh my God, what...

Jim: My God...no! It - it can't be!!

Jerry: Well, JR, you cannot condone-

Jim [as Orton crawls over to Michaels]: I don't think...

Jerry: I don't think Austin even saw what happened - [Orton covers Michaels] - oh, wait a minute!

Jim: Austin's not aware! Orton's gonna cover him! Batista has taken Michaels out! Can Shawn Michaels kick out?!

[the referee starts counting]

Jerry: Kick out!

Jim: Kick out, Shawn! KICK OUT, SHAWN!!

Jerry: Kick out!!

[the referee has counted to 3. The bell rings]

Jim: OH, GOD AL-

[Austin runs back out of the entrance to discover his team has lost, meaning he would be fired as co-general manager of RAW]

Howard Finkel: Your winners...

Jerry: Now what?

Howard: ...Eric Bischoff's team!

Jim: Austin not even aware of what Batista has done.

Jerry: Holy crap. What...

Jim: Oh, God.

Jerry: Look at the look on Stone Cold's face; that's the same look on everybody in this arena! He doesn't even know that Batista was in the ring!

Jim: Shawn Michaels did everything a human being could do, with a 1-on-3 disadvantage, and thanks to Batista of Evolution, Stone Cold Steve Austin's 14-year career is over.

Jerry: Can't believe you just said that.

Jim [as Austin approaches the ring, where Michaels is still laying]: I swear to God, folks, it breaks my heart to say that. My...my gut's in knots. Poor Shawn Michaels. God bless him.

Jerry: He deserved - he deserved a better fate than that, didn't he? And so did Stone Cold!

Jim: Did everything he could do, did Shawn Michaels; everything a human being could do, Shawn Michaels did...well, you gotta be wondering what's going through Austin's mind right now.

Jerry [as Austin enters the ring and walks over to Michaels]: Well, he's done and he knows it.

Jim: Texas Rattlesnake looking down at Shawn Michaels, I...don't know what Austin's gonna do here; he's got - what the hell's he got to lose? Nothing. Career is over. 14 years on the road, 14 years of his life have just - just been ended, thanks to Batista and Evolution, and Randy Orton.

Jerry [as Michaels comes to and holds onto Austin]: Well, I think the Rattlesnake knows how - he knows that...whether he knows that Batista was in the ring or not, he knows that HBK fought his heart out, he fought his guts out for, for Stone Cold.

2009

Michael Cole: Ladies and gentlemen, if DX remain on the same page tonight, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that John Cena will lose the WWE Championship.

Jerry "The King" Lawler: Well, the question is, which one of these great superstars will win, be victorious here tonight? I mean, this is...you guys will have to agree with this, I mean, is it gonna be Shawn or is it gonna be Triple H?

[the referee calls for the bell to officially start the match, as Michaels and Triple H stare down Cena]

Matt Striker: Well, the last time the WWE title changed hands in this city was 2000 and that match featured, the Game, Triple H.

[suddenly Michaels hits Sweet Chin Music on Triple H, who falls out of the ring, unconscious. Cena looks absolutely stunned]

Michael: Sweet Chin Music!

Jerry: What in the world?!

Matt: Ohhhh!

Michael: Shawn Michaels...

Matt: I told you, King, I told you!

Jerry: What the-

Matt: I told you!

Michael: Look at the look on Cena's face!

Matt: Ha-ha-ha!

Jerry: What?!

Michael: And there, ladies and gentlemen, is vintage Shawn Michaels!

Matt: I love it!

Michael: Shawn Michaels has made a career about being in the center of the storm, and he did it, again!

Jerry: What?!

Matt: Let's go, here we go now! Come on!

Jerry: ...what?! I can't - did that just happen?!

2010

Michael Cole: Well, of course, coming out to his nerd music...

Matt Striker: That's "Ride of the Valkyries", that's a great song.

Michael: Yeah, from Apocalypse Now, and every time that Daniel Bryan comes out, that's what it is out here. Nonetheless, Daniel Bryan would know nothing about the way Maryse would dress, that wonderful Versace dress and Prada jacket. How gorgeous does Maryse look here tonight at Survivor Series?

Jerry "The King" Lawler: Oh, she's always very, very beautiful...as most...

Matt: Arm candy?

Jerry: ...gold diggers are.

Matt: Well, Daniel Bryan said he was honored...

Michael: Wait a minute, how can you say Maryse is a gold digger?

Jerry: Let me ask you, if you think—Matt, you can probably vouch for this. You said you would love to take her shopping; you used to be a teacher—what if you still made a teacher's salary? You think she would still be around...

Michael: He still does!

Matt: I would take out a loan and mortgage my house.

Jerry: Trust me, Maryse would not be hanging around with somebody that is a regular joe out the street.

Matt: Michael, let me shift to you. Daniel Bryan said he was honored to have Hall-of-Famer Jim Ross call his match this past year on "Old School" Raw.

Michael: How did that work out?

The Miz: Sorry to interrupt, because we all know how much I respect Daniel Bryan, but I have something to say.

[The lights go out momentarily]

Michael: Oh, you can't turn the lights out on the Miz, he needs a spotlight!

The Miz: [as the lights come back on] That's better. I am a proud citizen of Cleveland, Ohio. [The Miami crowd boos] And it's fitting that I'm here in Miami because, truth be told, the Miami Heat are a lot like the Nexus—they're both arrogant, despised by millions, overrated and, in a word, the Nexus and the Miami both are hopelessly mediocre. I think LeBron is...is like the Wade Barrett of the NBA, not that he's a leader, because we all know LeBron is nothing more than Dwyane Wade's little sidekick. No, the reason LeBron is like Barrett, because they both feel that they are entitled to a championship. Well, there is one important difference—Wade Barrett might become champion tonight, whereas LeBron will never be champion! LeBron has a commercial where he asks, what should he do? What should you do? What you should do, LeBron. What should you do? You should go back to Cleveland and apologize to each and every one of us for what you did, you traitor!

Michael: The "Let's Go, Heat!" chants. Of course, the Miami Heat play in this arena.

The Miz: As for you, Barrett, I don't care what happens to Cena. All you and Randy Orton need to know is I am tired of carrying this briefcase. So right now, it's not a matter of if, it's a simple question of when, because I'm the Miz, you are all witnesses to the fact that I'M...AWESOME!!!

Jerry: For somebody that's so closely associated with NXT, you seem to have no respect for their former stars.

Michael: I like everybody on NXT.

Jerry: Daniel Bryan and Kaval?

Michael: No, but I like my commentary.

Todd Grisham: I'm being joined by Team Alberto Del Rio member, the All-American American, Jack Swagger, and Jack, how does it feel to be a part of Team Del Rio?

Jack Swagger: Team Del Rio? Team Del Rio? Todd, let me tell you something? As the only former World Heavyweight Champion on this team, it should be called Jack Swagger's All-American Americans, which is important because we're not in America right now. We're not in Miami. This is "Little Cuba". Jack Swagger don't habla Español. Are you kidding me, Todd?

Cody Rhodes: You'll have to excuse him, Todd. See, I know where all this animosity stems from. I caught our Jack Swagger last night trying to get into a club here in South Beach with the most busted broke shoes I have ever seen.

Swagger: They were my grandfather's, and they're vintage.

Cody: Right. Listen, I don't know what it's like to stand behind a roped entrance unlike you, [indicated Todd] unlike you...

Alberto Del Rio: Bravo, bravo, I love it. I was just talking with Drew and Tyler, and I bet them a dinner that in the moment Jack Swagger starts talking, we're going to have a train of interruptions. [Mocking] Ooh, you're nothing. I'm better than you. You're nothing. Come on, guys. Come on. That's boring. We're here to destroy Rey Mysterio, to destroy Rey Mysterio and his little friends. I want to see little kids crying; I want them to see their idols on the floor; I want tears; and if we do that, I buy the beers. Sound good? Of course it does. And hey, come on, guys. Don't worry, I'm your captain. Your captain is the one and only Alberto Del Rio.

Cody: [as Alberto, Drew and Tyler walk off] I hate to admit it, but he's good.

Michael: There's no doubt that this man, Dashing Cody Rhodes, fits right in at South Beach

Jerry: [Exasperated] Oh my gosh....

Matt: Cody's narcissistic, ego-driven, cocky, conceited, capable and confident.

Michael: And he wins.

Matt: I think it started with the letter C.

Michael: This guy is... look at him!

Jerry: I am looking at him, it looks like his neck threw up. You think he's Dashing?!?!

Michael: He's perfect!

Jerry: Oh my gosh! [Laughs]

Michael: This guy right here, Matt, could be the wild card in all of this.

Matt: Well, this is the x factor. I mean, let's not forget this past Friday on SmackDown on Syfy, Tyler Reks took The Big Show off of his feet. How do you prepare for the unknown, how do you prepare for Tyler Reks?

2011

The Rock: Madison Square Garden...[the crowd cheers] Madison Square Garden...let me tell you something about Madison Square Garden. 1977, five years old, Dwayne Johnson is sittin' in the seats right out there, right in front, front row watching his grandfather, the High Chief Peter Maivia take on Superstar Billy Graham for the WWE Title. Seven years later, the Rock, twelve years old, hanging out in the back in the dressing room with Andre the Giant! Let me repeat that—hangin' out with Andre the Giant. Watching the Rock's dad, "Soul Man" Rocky Johnson defend his WWE Tag Team Title! And here we are, 1996, this very arena, this magical arena, the Rock makes his debut at Survivor Series, November '96! The Rock makes his debut at Survivor Series, and despite having a hideous outfit and the worst haircut known to man, this was the place! This was the place where the people, for the very first time in the Rock's life, chanted the Rock's name! [The crowd chants "Rocky!"] That night, that night started an odyssey, an epic odyssey that will go down in WWE history. That will go down in WWE history from "Know your role" to "Shut your mouth", all the way to "Layeth the smacketh down"; from "one on one with the Great One"; all the way back to "do you...like pie?"; to "it doesn't matter what you think!" All the way back, all the way back, then the Rock becomes...the Intercontinental Champion, then the Rock becomes Tag Team Champion, then the Rock becomes 7-time WWE Champion. But above all that, more importantly than that, on that night, the Rock became the People's Champion! Becoming the People's Champion, after seven long years, finally the Rock has come back. Finally the new era, the People's Era begins tonight, because finally...[the crowd says it with him] FINALLY, THE ROCK HAS COME BACK TO NEW YORK CITY!!!
[The crowd resumes the "Rocky" chant"]
Miz and R-Truth, Miz and R-Truth, it's as simple as this. It's as simple as this! Boots...to asses. Miz and R-Truth, boots to asses. Now, now on to the Rock's tag team partner, John Cena. [The crowd's usual reaction] You see, John Cena. John Cena, you called the Rock out to be your tag team partner. Well, guess what. You got your wish. But what you didn't count on, what you never counted on, what you never counted on was the Rock doesn't come alone. No, no, no, no, no! The Rock, as you can clearly hear, and later on, your monkey ass is clearly gonna see, that the Rock brings 17,000 strong! And what we're gonna do, we're gonna take a lightning bolt and shoot it right up your ovulating lady parts! [The crowd chants "Lady Parts!"] New York City, you and the Rock know just how magical Madison Square Garden is. You know it, the Rock knows it. You know how special and historic this night is. Frank Sinatra performed out there in Madison Square Garden, gave the performance of a lifetime! Not only Blue Eyes himself, it was Ali-Frazier, delivered the fight of the century in this very arena! And tonight...and tonight, the Rock wakes up in a city that never sleeps. In a city that never sleeps, he's A-#1, top of the list, king of the hill, A-#1...[sings] These little town blues are melting away. New York City, this is the Rock live, the Rock ain't singin' by himself! No, no, no! We're gonna make [sings with the crowd] a brand new start of it in Ol New York! If we can make it here, we'll make it anywhere. It's up to you, New York, New York!
Boots to asses all night long, New York City, it's on...IF YA SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN'!!!

Michael Cole: And now Punk kick to the side of the head! [Punk covers Del Rio] The cover! [The ref counts to two, but Del Rio gets the shoulder up] Two-count, Del Rio, shoulder up! [Punk immediately hooks him into the Anaconda Vice] In the Vice! In the Vice!

Booker T: He's in that Vice!

Michael: [as Del Rio tries clawing Punk's face] What a move by Punk! What a counter by Punk! Anaconda Vice! Anaconda Vice! Del Rio's in trouble! The Champ's in trouble!

Jerry "The King" Lawler: Hang on, hang on!

Michael: Del Rio doing all he can!

[Del Rio taps out]

Jerry: THERE IT IS!!!

Booker T: Oh...you gotta be kidding me! A great victory!

Michael: CM Punk is WWE Champion!

Booker T: Wow.

Jerry: What a counter.

Booker T: What a match-up. [Punk exits the ring and dives into the crowd] I mean, these two were fists on fire, toe-to-toe for thirty minutes and it was totally, totally off the hook!

Howard Finkel: The winner of this bout...and NEW WWE Champion: CM Punk!

Michael: For the sixteenth time in the history of Madison Square Garden, the WWE Championship has changed hands! CM Punk now a two-time WWE Champion, and a five-time world champion!

CM Punk: [sitting on the barrier and holding the belt high] BEST IN THE WORLD!!!

Booker T: Got a lot of respect for CM Punk, man. For all intents and purposes, CM Punk is that good. [Punk runs and jumps into another part of the crowd] Wow! Just jumped in the mosh pit!

Jerry: You can call that the Punk Pit right now.

Jerry: Cole, you're quiet. You're sitting there with that look on your face, Cole. Why are you sulking?

Booker T: You all right, Cole?

Michael: I'm picturing the WWE with that man as Champion.

Booker T: I thought you was picturing yourself in that Anaconda Vice. Stuffed up like a chicken, screaming like a little girl.

Michael: You guys do realize that that man is representing your company now, right? You realize that! So much for the class and dignity of Del Rio!

Booker T: Well, I'm on Smackdown.

Jerry: I don't think this capacity crowd here in Madison Square Garden has any problems with CM Punk representing them.

2012

Michael Cole: [on Brodus Clay's entrance] A funky start to the Survivor Series.

John "Bradshaw" Layfield: "Funky"'s a kind word. This is what happens when you cross a plesiosaur with Adele. This is the offspring.

Michael: What are you talking about?

JBL: A plesiosaur, from the Cretaceous period.

Michael: No, I mean Adele's a singer, not a dancer.

JBL: Okay, Kirstie Alley.

Michael: Cesaro was considered too aggressive when he played rugby; he was actually kicked out of his league...

JBL: That's what I just said.

Michael: ...before he came over here...

JBL: I'm over here with a freaking parrot!

Michael: ...to WWE.

JBL: Good grief, I just said that! He was thrown out of the Top 14. Like Buck Shelford, All Blacks; Springboks-All Blacks! It's an island just south of Australia, parrot!

Michael: Now you know how it feels.

Jerry "The King" Lawler: Come on, JBL, you can't blame him for not listening.

Jerry: [on Del Rio] And you like that guy, JBL?

JBL: Love that guy! You have your ring announcer, you got a $100,000 collector's Rolls Royce! This man is terrific!

Michael: You know, you had your own Cabinet. How did that work out?

JBL: Not so well. We were the antithesis to the Four Horsemen.

Michael Cole: Daniel Bryan a former World Champion.

JBL: And a vegan. Something else no one cares about. Tyson was a vegan until he ate Holyfield's ear.

Jerry: [laughing] You've talked about every sport imaginable tonight, even rugby.

Michael: Your Google was busy today.

Michael: Ladies and gentlemen, tonight marks day #364 that CM Punk has been Champion. He is currently tied with Hulk Hogan for the eighth-longest reign in WWE history.

JBL: How could you possibly understate a record like that?! 364 days?! When CM Punk became the Champion, Mitt Romney wasn't even the Republican nomination, Snooki hadn't even had a baby, Hostess was still in business. One day away from being a year, CM Punk!

Jerry: But wouldn't it be ironic if he doesn't quite make the year?

Michael: It would be a year if he can make it to Monday Night Raw. CM Punk's current reign is the longest in six years. The man who stands in the ring next to him now, John Cena, held it for 380 days between 2006-2007. Now isn't that ironic? Now, John, I gotta ask you. A lot of people have been talking all week long about Punk being paranoid heading into tonight, that perhaps tonight is the night that things all are gonna crash down around CM Punk. Have you heard those rumors? Do you believe in them?

JBL: The pressure of carrying the Championship that long, one day away from being one year, of course he's nervous. He's not facing one beast, he's facing two in Cena and this crazy manimal Ryback.

Jerry: And he's also facing the law of averages.

2013

Zeb Colter: Boston, Massachusetts, the home of the Boston Tea Party, where, at one time, a group of patriots banded together to spark a revolution. But looking around at this motley crew assembled here tonight, I can clearly see that there are no revolutionaries amongst us. But if the Boston Tea Party were held today, none of you would know it, because you don't pay attention. None of you would know anything about Paul Revere or Nathan Hale because you're too busy doing other things, stupid things like twerking.

Michael Cole: Twerking?

[Zeb demonstrates, but almost throws out his back to the laughter of the commentators and the crowd]

Jerry "The King" Lawler: Oh, he threw his back out.

Zeb: Oh, you think that's funny? You're doing stupid things like talking on your cell phones or Tweeting to some idiot halfway across the country, or cheering some foreign guy by the name of David Ortiz! Disgusting! You should be cheering real Americans like Jack Swagger...

Cody Rhodes: Enough, enough, Zeb! None of these people here paid to listen to you talk!

John "Bradshaw" Layfield: I did.

Jerry: You paid?

Rhodes: And none of these people wanna see you twerk.

JBL: I do.

JBL: They were down 5-to-2 at one point. And it's not that Rey Mysterio had an off night; Roman Reigns just had an incredible night.

AJ Lee: I've been called many things—needy, adorable, psychotic, champion—and I have not come this far to be taken down now. Now, I know that all of you are far less successful than I am, but that's no reason for you to feel inferior. No, no, you should draw inspiration from me. Yes, this is the time for you to shake off all your insecurities, this is the time to prove everyone wrong, and to take back our Divas division! Who's with me?

Alicia Fox: Who are you calling inferior?

Rosa Mendes: What makes you think you're better than any of us?

AJ: Is...is that, like, a rhetorical question or...I'm sorry, do you know what rhetorical means? I'll speak real slow. It means...

Kaitlyn: Rhetorical means, a question that is so obvious that it doesn't need an answer. For example, why would any of us trust you? I mean, you basically ruined my life, you used Aksana and Fox in your ridiculous crusade against the Total Divas, and let's face it, besides your hired help, you have made enemies with every single one of us.

AJ: Oh, Katie, I don't like you, and I know you don't like me, but this isn't about us. No, this is about the fact that Total Divas doesn't want any of you. And maybe it's because they think that you're not pretty enough, Kaitlyn; or because you have a silly accent, Aksana; or because that all you can do is dance, Summer. Yeah, what I know is that right now, Total Divas has new episodes playing on the E! Network, and none of you are on them, because they think that you don't deserve to be. Well prove them wrong. Start your own show by stealing this one tonight.

JBL: [as Nikki Bella does "The Worm"] Scotty 2 Hotty oughta sue somebody for gimmick infringement!

Bray Wyatt: She speaks to me. She whispers in my dreams. She told me about you, Punk and Bryan. She said that y'all would be tough as nails, and if we wanted to take you down, well then we'd have to hunt you like dogs. She was right. But we are the reapers, and there's nowhere left to run.

2014

[Triple H has signaled referee Scott Armstrong to count Dolph Ziggler down and make Seth Rollins the winner when Sting makes his entrance to an enormous ovation]

Michael Cole: Oh, my God!

Jerry "The King" Lawler: What?!

Michael: It's Sting!

Jerry: What?!

Michael: Stinger's here!

John "Bradshaw" Layfield: A six-time WCW Champion, a two-time NWA World Heavyweight Champion!

Jerry: But what the hell is he doing here?

JBL: The Icon! The Franchise!

Michael: The man who has never stepped foot inside WWE's arena before!

JBL: What a hell of an impact he's made the first time he did!

Michael: But why is Stinger here?!

JBL: None of his business, I'll tell ya!

Michael: This is incredible! [Sting comes to the ring and attacks Scott Armstrong] Down goes Armstrong!

[Sting enters the ring and stares down Triple H for two minutes, amidst the chants of "Holy Shit!", "Sting!" and "This is awesome." Triple H attacks, but Sting evades, then kicks him in the gut.]

Michael: Look at this! Sting!

Jerry: Triple H with the first shot, but he missed!

[Sting hits the Scorpion Death Drop on Triple H.]

Michael: Stinger strikes! [Sting pulls Rollins off of Ziggler onto his back, then pulls Ziggler on top of him, and walks out] And he pulls Ziggler into the cover of Seth Rollins.

Jerry: [seeing the original referee make the count] Hey guys...

Michael: Here's the cover.

JBL: No! [The referee hits three] NO!

Michael: Team Cena wins!

Lawler: Whoo-hoo!

Lilian Garcia: Here is your winner: Dolph Ziggler, and Team Cena!

Lawler: Oh, happy day!

Michael: The Authority is gone!

JBL: What has Sting done? And why?

Michael: Ladies and gentlemen, the most incredible moment in Survivor Series history! The Authority is out of power! Dolph Ziggler is the lone survivor, and the iconic Sting returns with a Death Drop to Triple H!

[Triple H and Stephanie McMahon stand alone in the ring after losing the match to Team Cena, leaving the Authority out of power.]

Stephanie McMahon: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

[Crowd starts to sing "Na Na Na (Kiss Him Goodbye)"]

Crowd: NA NA NA NA. NA NA NA NA. HEY HEY HEY Goodbye.

Stephanie: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! THIS IS NOT OVER!!!!!!!!

2015

[After Roman Reigns won the WWE World Heavyweight Championship in the tournament finals, only for Sheamus to cash-in Money in the Bank and become champion]

John "Bradshaw" Layfield: Roman Reigns finally reached the summit, and he got Brogue Kicked right off of it!

2016

Enzo Amore: Toronto!

[crowd cheers]

Enzo: Look what you've done! We are a couple of star boys! And tonight, these star boys...we got enemies, got a lot of enemies. We got a couple of haters...a couple of haters...from SmackDown trying to drain us of our energy!

Big Cass: And ain't nobody could've drained us of our energy, because we are in Toronto, and we've been sipping on Timmy Horton's all day long! [crowd cheers) And as for SmackDown Live, they've been sipping on their cup of Average Joe.

[crowd cheers]

Enzo: Tonight, we are running through the six with our foes. So Team Raw's on their ones and twos. I got 'em all BO's. So SmackDown...you better be on your Toron-toes, babe. [He strips down his overalls to reveal a writing of "If You're Reading This, It's Too Late" a la Drake's album as the crowd cheers louder]

Cass: If you're reading this it's too late because there's only [the crowd joins in] one word...to describe you, and I'm gonna spell it out for ya! S-A-W-F-T!

Crowd: SAWFT!

[moments later, after all the members of Team Raw have made their entrances:]

Big E: Oh, Toronto! Don't you dare...be sour! Clap for your world-famous 2-time champs and feel the power!

[The New Day's music kicks in and they enter as the crowd chants "New Day rocks!"]

Xavier Woods: Tonight, we are much more than just your [The New Day members wiggle their hips and the crowd joins in] WWE World Tag Team Champions...

Kofi Kingston: ...We are also your Raw tag team captains. But tonight...is not about us. Oh...no. [He points at the members of Team Raw] Tonight...is about us! All of us! All of us as we stand united with one goal in mind: And that goal is to put the whooping on Team SmackDown, baby!

Big E: But why? But why? Because...Team Raw rocks! [the crowd joins in as Team Raw marches their way to the ring] Team Raw rocks!

[Woods plays his trombone to the rhythm of the crowd chanting "Team Raw rocks" while Team Raw marches to the ring]

Michael Cole: Feel free to join us on this...chanting anytime, Otunga.

David Otunga: I'll pass on this...as much as I have a point.

Michael: Seth Rollins said, "Survivor Series has always been big to me. I'm gonna stay the course tonight and lead Team RAW to victory."

David: Well, his shirt tells me he's a little bit of self-interest in there. He's got half of his own shirt, half of Team RAW.

Corey Graves: What an astute observation there, Jennifer Hudsband.

[During the epic Brock Lesnar vs Goldberg fight]

Michael: SPEAR! Goldberg hit Lesnar with a spear from out of nowhere!

David: Goldberg may shock the world.

Corey: Goldberg looking to end this early.

Michael: Lesnar's hurt. Lesnar's hurt. [Goldberg hits Lesnar with another spear] Goldberg again with another spear! 2 spears to Lesnar! Brock's in trouble! Brock's in trouble!

Corey: I don't think anybody expected this sort of dominance right out of the gate from Goldberg!

David: The Beast may be on the verge of getting slayed!

[Lesnar struggles to get up to his feet and moments later Goldberg scoops Lesnar up for a Jackhammer]

Michael: Goldberg looking for a Jackhammer! A Jackhammer to Lesnar..here's the cover...[Referee counts the 3] OH MY GOD! Goldberg beat Brock!

Jojo: Here is your winner...Goldberg!

Michael: A monumental upset! After 12 years, Goldberg returns to the ring and absolutely destroys The Beast!

Corey: I cannot believe what I just witnessed!

David: You and me both! Goldberg said he had one last Jackhammer and that one last Jackhammer was good enough to pin Brock Lesnar.

Corey: The entire world has got to be in shock right now.

External links

Wikipedia

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Survivor Series