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Spies Like Us

1985 film by John Landis

Spies Like Us is a 1985 American comedy film about two bumbling government employees think they are U.S. spies, only to discover that they are actually decoys for nuclear war.

Directed by John Landis. Written by Dan Aykroyd, Dave Thomas, Lowell Ganz, and Babaloo Mandel.
With spies like these who needs enemies?

Emmett Fitz-Hume

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  • Are there any Paraguayans here? [subtle laugh from the reporters] Well, of course, their requests for subsidies was not Paraguayan in and of it is as it were the United States government would never have if the president, our president, had not and as far as I know that's the way it will always be. Is that clear?
  • I'm sorry I'm late; I had to attend the reading of a will. I had to stay till the very end, and I found out I received nothing... broke my arm.
  • My objective? Well I object to taking a girl out, you know, and buying her dinner and then she won't put out for you.
  • Can I borrow your tent?

Austin Millbarge

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  • [Arguing surgical techniques) with a doctor] We mock what we don't understand.
  • [rescuing Fitz-Hume] You know, I must really like you, because I don't like horses and I hate guns!
  • For once I'm completely in agreement with my partner. I'm not going down there. Do you know what those things can do? Suck the paint off your house and give your family a permanent orange afro.
  • Hard to believe its been only 15 minutes since I destroyed the world. In another 15 minutes, it'll all be over. Such a short time to destroy a world. And to think my high school guidance counselor said I'd never amount to anything.

Others

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  • Col. Rhumbus: Boys, it would be a shame to have to kill you now.
  • Karen Boyer: Gentlemen, I think you both should realize the gravity of this moment. I've spent the last two-and-a-half years of my life preparing for this penetration.
  • General Sline: When we commissioned the Schmectel Corporation to research this precise event sequence scenario, it was determined that the continual stockpiling and development of our nuclear arsenal was becoming self-defeating. A weapon unused is a useless weapon.

Dialogue

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Alice: You're not going to give me some bullshit that you're dying, are you?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: No... not now.
Captain Hefling: What about that red Chinese radio chatter?
Austin Millbarge: It's done. Here you go.
Captain Hefling: Done? That was a static-filled triple-scrambled microwave transmission between two soldiers talking in Mandarin Chinese!
Austin Millbarge: Well the Chinese were only using a simple polyphonetically-grouped twenty-square-digit key transposed from boustrophedonic form with multiple nulls. I broke it with this.
Captain Hefling: A Drogan's decoder wheel? They put these things into cereal boxes... for kids!
Austin Millbarge: Yeah, I found it in a box of Lucky charms.
Captain Hefling: Break it down again with the machines!
Austin Millbarge: I already did.
[Shows him the decoded message]
Captain Hefling: Well... Then clean up your desk!
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Oh. Uh, will you hold my wallet for me while I take the test, please? There's a thousand dollars in there... or maybe there isn't. Know what I mean?
Test Monitor: Are you saying I can take this money if I help you pass the test?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: What do you think?
[They hear a sound]
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Did you hear that?
Austin Millbarge: Yeah. It's a dickfer.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: What's a dickfer?
Austin Millbarge: To pee with.
[Ninjas emerge and surround Millbarge and Fitz-Hume]
Austin Millbarge: We need a plan.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Let's play dead.
Austin Millbarge: Show some balls, man!
Emmett Fitz-Hume: I think it's too late to try and impress them. [beat] Alright; Stop right there... and I'll bring back the sun. Okay...[Fitz-Hume shows a picture from his wallet] This is my sister. You can all have her. I hear she's very good.
Austin Millbarge: [trying to speak alone with Fitz-Hume] I gotta take a leak. You should go too.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: What are you my mother? Don't you think I'm capable of determining my own time to go to the bathroom?
Austin Millbarge: So, isn't now one of those times?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: No.
Austin Millbarge: You mean you don't feel a certain degree of urgent pressure on the inner wall of your bladder, now, right at this moment?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: No, I'm fine!
Austin Millbarge: Well... wouldn't you feel more comfortable being fully relieved of any excess fluids that might be building up immediately, now?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: I gotta take a wizz?
[Millbarge nods triumphantly]
Soldier #1: General Sline, sir?
General Sline: Yes, Sergeant?
Soldier #1: It's a collect call from Pakistan, for Mr. Ruby. A Mr. Fitz-Hume.
Ruby: What?
Austin Milbarge: Ah, folks, uh, sorry, uh... We'll just be another minute. Thank you for your patience.
Soldier #1: It's person-to-person, sir. Collect. They said their contacts tried to kill them, and they don't know what they should do.
Keyes: And they told you this... over a public phone?
Soldier #1: No sir. The AT&T operator told our operator.
Dr. Imhaus: Doctor.
Austin Millbarge: Doctor.
Dr. Imhaus: Doctor.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Doctor.
[Imhaus exits]
Dr. Marston: Doctor.
Austin Millbarge: Doctor.
Dr. Marston: Doctor.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Doctor.
[Marston exits]
Karen Boyer: Doctor.
Austin Millbarge: Doctor.
Karen Boyer: Doctor.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: [amorously] Doctor!
[Boyer exits]
Jerry Hadley: Doctor.
Austin Millbarge: Doctor.
Jerry Hadley: Doctor.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: And...Doctor.
[Hadley exits]
Austin Millbarge: We're not doctors.
Austin Millbarge: They aren't doctors.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: What do you mean?
Austin Millbarge: That metal case she was packing on her horse.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Well, what about it?
Austin Millbarge: It's a Sat Scrambler Terminal - sophisticated system for sending, scrambling, receiving and unscrambling satellite messages.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: So, she's a sophisticated woman.
Austin Millbarge: It's a highly classified piece of intelligence hardware.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: So, she's a high class, intelligent piece!
Austin Millbarge: They do seem to be headed in that general direction. Maybe your dick's not so dumb.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: It got me through high school.
Russian Interregator #2: Every minute you don't tell us why you are here, I cut off a finger.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Mine or yours?
Russian Interregator #2: Yours.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Damn!
Emmett Fitz-Hume: [trying to buy time by making something up] All right! All right, I'm an American agent!
Russian Interrogator #2: And...?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: And? And... uhh... they... they sent me here t-to assassinate your Premier!
Russian Interrogator #2: I knew it! Pay up, comrade!
Russian Interrogator #1:unimpressed] Let's cut his fingers off anyway.
Russian Interrogator #1: Why are you here?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Why am I here? Why are you here? Why is anybody here? I think it was Jean-Paul Sartre who once said... how do you spell Sartre?
[Interrogator#2 slaps him. Fitz-Hume turns to Interrogator #1]
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Owww... and let that be a lesson to you.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: [catches a grenade] Hey! What's this?
Austin Millbarge: You don't want it!
[Fitz-Hume stands up and casually throws the grenade back]
Austin Millbarge: [Faint music plays in the distance by the missile] It's... "Soul Finger" by the Bar-Kays.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: They must be havin' a hard time getting gigs.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: [after launching the missile] What did she say?
Austin Millbarge: She wants to know why we'd do such a thing.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Tell her so do we.
Austin Millbarge: They're saying it'll be 28 minutes before the rocket detonates above it's target, somewhere inside the continental United States. Let's see, 28 minutes, that's 18 until it's inside the US radar cup, figure 2 for our response, say 20 until total commitment, I figure, 20-22 until the first impact of our retaliatory strike. I figure we have 42 minutes until the end of civilization as we know it.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: [to Karen] You uh - want to go out with a bang?
Karen Boyer: I beg your pardon?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: It was just an idea.
Karen Boyer: You know, if we were sitting in a bar, I'd throw a drink right in your face. But, under the circumstances, it's not such a bad idea.
Keyes: By your actions, sir, you are risking the future of the human race!
General Sline: To guarantee the American way of life, I'm willing to take that risk.
Austin Millbarge: Find a rock! Go the SatScram terminal! Smash that thing!
Emmett Fitz-Hume: [Fitz-Hume smashes terminal] It's broken.
Austin Millbarge: Bring it here.
[Fitz-Hume shrugs and walks towards Millbarge holding the rock]
Austin Millbarge: Not the rock.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: What's she saying?
Austin Millbarge: H... hair... hairbrush... headrest...
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Jesus, where did you learn your Russian? JCPenney?

Cast

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