Trust Me. I'm a Doctor. Taglines
- [singing] Dear blender/Now, won't you help a first offender?/Oh, toaster/Don't you put the burn on me/Refrigerator/Why are we always sooner or later/Bitchin' in the kitchen or cryin' in the bedroom all night?
- [To Farley] I'm as sane as you are! Saner!
- [singing] We lost our home/Our family/You lost compassion, now you're losin' me...
- Hi, Brad, I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.
- [singing] If that's not enough, then I'm/So sorry I met you, it was almost like leading you on/But there's more to it all/Than just ringing your heart out over something/That keeps on going wrong/So don't tell me you love me/How am I supposed to know what that means?/No, don't sell emotion/You can't buy devotion if you're falling apart at the seams...
- [singing] I need some young blood, I need some young blood. I need it now!
- [singing] Well...! First you go rip, rip, rip/Then you go snip, snip, snip/Then you whip in a zip, zip, zip/And split it up to the hip, hip, hip/And as you strip, strip, strip/You quiver and shiver for that soft caress/As you slip, slip, slip/Into that little black dress.
- Do you have any friends? ... You won't have soon.
- Oh, no, just a routine checkup.
- [singing] I'm gonna shoot for the moon/I'm gonna play high noon/I'm gonna take on the entire human race/
- Time's tight, Janet. Do it right, Janet. Until tomorrow night, Janet?
- [singing] You lost your baby when you lost your balls/You lost your mind when you lost your grip, so say bye-bye!
- [singing] Well, the best thing you could ever do is die!
- Now, you see the way we got rid of that dirty little dish is the same way we're going to put the rest of our house in order! Including... the upstairs!
- Alimony is just another word for Rape.
- Oh, Ralph? ... Shove it!
- Coffee, Kirk. I'm dying for it.
- Look at that, Bert Schnik's dancing! Bert can see!
- Macy Struthers with my husband. God, I must have been blind! Still, the weaker the man, the dumber the blonde.
- Oh my god, character actors!
- [to Macy Struthers] Who loves YOU, baby?
- I detect a note of reticence. Are you perhaps one of those amongst us who feel that emotive forms of presentations are overly manipulative?
- Oh, I adore Coleridge Taylor. As a matter of fact... "It is an ancient Mariner, and he stoppeth one of three. By thy long gray beard and glittering eye, now wherefore stop'st thou me?"
- Look at that, Bert Schnik's dancing! Bert can see!
- [singing] This could be the start of a whole new career here.
- And here she is! Denton's own, America's pride, Janet, the sensation of the planet.
- Ladies and gentlemen... the president.
- I wouldn't mind doing Janet one or two favors.
- No! I don't know what Janet's next move will be...but you can be sure of one thing...it all starts here!
- Yeah! Well, I just got word Farley's expecting her any minute. You Guys!! Get yer asses in front of those cameras, warm up that crowd and earn yourselves a reputation. Okay? Move!!!
- Well, Janet's absolutely speechless, Ladies and Gentlemen. But that's all right. Because we don't need her to talk...But here's someone we do want to hear from...a firm favorite of yours and mine. You've revelled in his recipes. You've marvelled at his marriage guidance. Yes, the all-knowing, and now all-seeing... Bert Schnick!!
- We'll edit the tapes. This will never see airplay.
- I better get going. Tomorrow's the big one, and, well, Farley expects!
- I'll leave you young things to it.
- The quacks are willing tools?
Judge Oliver WrightEdit
- Well, Betty, there are many ways that the spider may catch the fly... Monetary inducements... Seduction... Prejudice... And lies!
- Isn't that Brad and Janet Majors sitting down front? What an ideal couple... More than anyone else in Denton, they represent the old values... Ike would have been proud of them.
- Oh, I never watch that...
- Yes. Macabre, isn't it. The blind leading the blind.
- Betty, it's imperative we get Janet out of Flavors' fast fingers and Brad out of that hell-hole before they both disappear forever. If only I could place that name -- McKinley?
- Faith, Betty. But make sure it's your own.
- [singing] Some people do it for employment.
- But the false promise of a new dawn usually leads to a most bloody sunset.
- Hey, folks, it's Ricky from the Rest Home!
- Brad will learn how to care in the surgical chair!
- [singing] Ever since I was the eine kleine herren/It was the Cordon Bleu for which I am most carin'/And the one taste treat so sweet, it really can't be beat/Is what we have, ja, how you are, caviar, that little black mess!
- Hoopla Denton!
- The subject is committed. As are we all.
- They should be sent to the Danube at dawn.
- Everyone loves the girl next door, particularly Farley.
- [singing] Every since I was a little boy, dressing up has always been my greatest joy. But when it's time to be discreet, there's one thing you just can't beat and that's a strapless, backless classical little black dress.
- [singing] Romance is not a children's game.
- [singing] I'm not a locum with motive to suture myself. I've been a cynic for too many years. Playing doctor and nurse, it can be good for your health. I've seen clinics with those gimmicks in Tangiers.
- [singing] You need a bit of... ooh, shock treatment/Get you jumpin' like a real live wire/Need a bit of... ooh, shock treatment/So look out, mister, don't you blow your last resistor for a vista that'll mystify ya!
- Does he do that often? ... Good! Well there's still hope. Lots of hope.
- Just one or two details. Does he have any living relatives? Blood relatives?
- HE!!?? How dare this person take advantage of my weakness.
- With Fast Food Farley at the helm it'll be TV dinners from now on.
- There are countless people in this world, Janet, who believe they're happy.
- Brad has deep feelings of hostility towards you. ... It's classical. Almost a textbook case...
- You are the most desirable creature that ever walked.
- In the old series, we never had a convertible.
- Arrest that man! He's committed to our care!
- And he was only with us for one day!
- [singing] I feel the heat from your skin and the stubble on your chin, you're no good
- [singing] But if you open your heart to a smooth operator, he'll take you for all that you've got. He'll hand you a curse that'll be with you later. It'll shake you the way he takes off... like a shot.
- I don't think he intends to go *that* far.
- This could be worse than the old series.
- Bert! So nice to see you up and about. Care to join me in an on-set snack?
- We understand you've been going through a rather trying time.
- Our speciality!
- Dear old Bert's settled everything.
- Coming from a gourmet, that's praise indeed. But, secrets!
- I just love home movies, don't you?
- The question is, does Brad want to see you? Quite frankly, he hates you.
- We only want what's best for him. As parents, you must understand.
- We used them. All of them.
- This is Janet. She's a phenomenon.
- Brad's an emotional cripple, remember? But even he wouldn't want to see you like this.
- [pouring pills down Brad's throat] Amateurs!
- Like a virgin with an urgin' in a surgery, I'll be swinging, I'll be bringing out the nurse in me.
- She let us down. She let us all down!
- It's all right, Brad dear... Have another sedative. We'll miss you on the show tonight.
- Shut up, Emily, and listen to a success story.
- [singing] Faggots are maggots, thank God I'm a man.
- I never had the time to have a nervous breakdown.
- [singing] You're blinded by romance, you're blinded by science. Your condition is critically grave, but don't expect mercy from such an alliance. Suspicion of tradition's so new wave.
- Sign the contract tomorrow... That way, you get the first day free.
'Rest Home' RickyEdit
- [singing] Legs like mine were meant for dancin'. Oh, look what I did to my Id!
- [singing] You'll find happy hearts, and smiling faces, and tolerance for, the ethnic races, in Denton.
- I can't stand it! Everything good always happens to other people!
- I tell you, Janet, that guy's as close as we'll come to a successful man in this town.
- You keep up that high standard of interview and I'll have to include you in Farley's documentary. You were so... probing!
- And Fast Food Giant Farley Flavors has given Miss Mental Health what can only be described as an official kiss of approval and the crowd are loving it as they follow her down the Dentonvale trail.
- And how does 'local girl' Janet Majors fit into the scheme of things?
- An' so if you're a follower of exotic trends in fashion you'll find plenty to keep you going here tonight...and, naturally, feeling the excitement and not wishing to stick out like a sore thumb, I had to get an outfit of my own together...and this is it...
- [singing] I spent a lifetime on deposit, and that's a long time in the closet. And when you say to me 'How was it?' it was hard taking that heart-breaking godforsaken route. But now I'm b-b-breaking out!
- The sun never sets on those who ride into it.
Female TV AnnouncerEdit
- First and foremost, Farley Flavors' fabulous fast foods feed and fortify families for a fabulous future.
- Betty: Thank you so much, Judge Wright, for another wonderful interview.
- Oliver: Judge Wright? Oh come now, Betty? First name terms, surely!
- Betty: Oh, Oliver, you're so tolerant. Time for a coffee before you rush off?
- Oliver: Delighted, Betty -- That is if you don't mind being seen with an older man.
- Betty: Why, Oliver, since Ralph and I separated maturity is something I look for in a man.
- Neely: Hi, Betty!
- Betty: Hello, Neely.
- Neely: You keep up that high standard of interview and I'll have to include you in Farley's documentary. You were so...probing!
- Oliver: A free thinker.
- Betty: Everything's free there.
- Bert: So would the first couple who seem to have made a hash of their marriage and cooked their goose step this way please.
- Janet: That's us.
- Brad: I don't want to get up there.
- Janet: We've got to, Brad, everyone's watching.
- Bert: What's cooking down there? Come up here and let's feel you!
- Mac: Ah. Mr. and Mrs. Majors. How wonderful to see you. I am Dr. Cosmo McKinley and this is my sister, and colleague, Dr. Nation McKinley.
- Nation: We understand you've been going through a rather trying time.
- Janet: Well yes, but...
- Brad: Listen! There's nothing wrong with me... It's just that Janet and I haven't...
[Ricky hypos him -- as he drops, he kicks the wheelchair under him.]
- Mac: Does he do that often?
- Janet: No! He's never done that before.
- Mac: Good! Then there's still hope. Lots and lots of hope.
- Emily: About Brad's family?
- Bert: As Janet's parents this should be really easy. Your last clue... Mental Instability. You have thirty seconds.
- Harry: Mental instability?
- Emily: He was adopted you know.
- Harry: I'd forgotten.
- Emily: Well I hadn't. I was worried about inherited craziness when they married. I said to Janet, 'What do we know of his parents?'
- Bert: Which leads us to...?
- Emily: Infantile regression?
[Bells ring. Wild applause.]
- Bert: You got it!
- Emily: I got it! I got it!!!
- Bert: Congratulations! It's 'Happy Homes' for Harry and Emily Weiss of Denton.
- Emily: Thank God he was born an orphan. It would have killed his parents.
- TV Voice Over: 'THANK GOODNESS'
- Emily: And thank goodness he hasn't ended up like the Slepstrini boy.
- Harry: What are you talking about? Danny Slepstrini is a chip off the old block. Why, I played 18 holesof golf with his father just last week. And Hank says Danny's moved to New York...to better himself.
- Emily: He moved all right! When they found him naked at the back of Wilson's Bakery...with fifteen other men.
- Janet: Mexicans.
- Harry: I'm going to catch up on a few jobs that need doing outside.
- Emily: You shouldn't have said that.
- Janet: Why?
- Emily: Your father doesn't like Mexicans.
- Betty: Conspiracy? That sounds a little farfetched.
- Olvier: It's happened before. Remember Lieutenant Orpheus? He disappeared into that Underworld series and never came back.
- Betty: Sounds like my husband. He never came back either. At least not after Flavors gave him a commercial break.
- Olvier: Ah yes. Farley Flavors. You know, I find it remarkable that his 'Faith Factory' is being financed by an entire nation's indigestion.
- Janet: I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.
- Emily: Janet! Where's that lovely dress I made you?
- Janet: Oh, Mac ran up this little crowd-pleaser.
- Emily: You're practically naked!
- Janet: I can't wear anything under it. That would spoil the line.
- Brad: HGMMMPHH!!
- Janet: My God, Janet! How can you say such things? Look at Brad, look what they've done to him?
- Mac: Ahhh!
- Harry: There's going to have to be an enquiry.
- Mac: Ahhh!
- Harry: There are regulations.
- Mac: Well... It's...
- Janet: ...for his own good.
- Mac: Of course. The patient was in greatdanger of harming himself.
- Nation: We only want what's best for him. As parents, you must understand.
- Harry: No. No, I don't. He doesn't have to be trussed up like a turkey. There are drugs that can keep him quiet.
- Nation: We used them. All of them.
- Emily: And none of them worked?
- Nation: No.
- Harry: Then double the strength.
- Nation: We did.
- Mac: We know our job.
- Nation: And we also know how you feel. We're not strangers to confusion.
- Emily: We're not confused.
- Harry: Well, I am, God damn it! You trust Brad with this...crowd-pleaser?
- Trust Me, I'm A Doctor.
- The Home of Happiness
- This town doesn't just love television... they LIVE it!
- One From The Vault!
- It's Not A Sequel... It's Not A Prequel... It's An Equal
- From The Creators Of The Rocky Horror Picture Show
- Jessica Harper - Janet Majors (née Weiss)
- Cliff De Young - Brad Majors / Farley Flavors
- Richard O'Brien - Dr. Cosmo McKinley (Mac)
- Patricia Quinn - Dr. Nation McKinley
- Charles Gray - Judge Oliver Wright
- Nell Campbell - Nurse Ansalong
- Barry Humphries - Bert Schnick
- Ruby Wax - Betty Hapschatt
- Jeremy Newson - Ralph Hapschatt
- Wendy Raebeck - Macy Struthers
- Rik Mayall - 'Rest Home' Ricky
- Darlene Johnson - Emily Weiss
- Manning Redwood - Harry Weiss
- Betsy Brantley - Neely Pritt
- Chris Malcoml - Officer Vance Parker
- Gary Shail - Oscar Drill