Robot Chicken: Star Wars

Robot Chicken: Star Wars is a 2007 episode of the television comedy series Robot Chicken, airing as a one-off special during Cartoon Network's Adult Swim block on June 17, 2007.

Dialogue

Palpatine: Ha ha ha ha, so I threw the senate at him. [laughs along with the senators] The whole senate! True story.

Mas Amedda: Oh my god, that is so funny!

Sim Aloo: [holding his milk carton] You made it come out of my nose!

Palpatine: [chuckles as his phone rings] Go for Papa Palpatine.

Operator: You have a collect call from-

Vader: [breathing] Darth Vader.

Palpatine: [sighs] Oh, I-I gotta take this, hold on. [on the phone] Vader! How's my favorite Sith?...Whoa whoa whoa...whoa, whoa. Just - slow down. Huh? What do you mean they blew up the Death Star? [BLEEP]! OH, [BLEEP]! [BLEEP]! [BLEEP]!...Who's "they"?!...What the hell is an "Aluminum Falcon"? [sighs] Okay, okay, so who's left?...Are you [bleep]ing me?! Well, where are you?!...Wait a sec, you've been flying around for two weeks trying to get a signal?...Oh, you must smell like...feet wrapped in leathery, burnt bacon. [holds his phone back] Oh, oh, oh! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought my Dark Lord of the Sith could protect a small thermal exhaust port that's only two meters wide! That thing wasn't even fully paid off yet! Do you have - Do you have any idea what this is going to do to my credit? [phone beeps, he sighs] Hang on, I've got another call. [switches line] What?! I'm very busy right now!...Oh! Oh, well-well, where are they going?...Oh, all right, um...just get me a turkey club...Eh, coleslaw, I guess. I'm not even gonna eat it...Well, what are you getting?... [Amedda pats his knee as Aloo checks his watch] No, see, I always order the wrong thing. No, no, no, I'll just stick with that. Okay, bye - wait, what?...Oh, and a Cherry Coke. Thanks. [switches line] Sorry about that. [sighs] What?...Oh, oh, "just rebuild it"?! Oh, real [bleep]ing original! And who's going to give me a loan, jackhole, you?! You got an ATM on that torso Lite-Brite?! Now get your seven-foot-two asthmatic ass back here, or I'm going to tell everyone what a whiny bitch you were about Padama-may or Panda Bear or whatever the hell her name is!!! [covers receiver] Oh, jeez, he's crying! [chuckles as Aloo and Amedda silently laugh] Hey, hey, hey, hey. C'mon. C'mon, don't do that. Just-Just. Look, you know, I'm just dealing with a lot of crap right now. Death Star blown up by a bunch of [bleep]in' teenagers, you know? I didn't mean to snap. [makes "jack-off" motion] Oh, uh, just-just get back here. Okay. Okay. Bye. I-ye-I... [whispers into phone] I love you, too. [hangs up]

---

[We see a janitor whistling and cleaning the floors with a push broom then the severed body of Darth Maul falls from the top of the shaft]

Janitor: [stops whistling] Woah, jeez...Oh my god, I gotta get that transfer to Coruscant. [sweeps away both halves of Darth Maul's corpse]

---

[Inside the Death Star, a large group of Imperial officers are seated around a large table. An Imperial commander is standing and talking, with a viewscreen behind him]

Imperial Commander: Welcome to orientation day here on the jolly old Death Star! Now, there are a few things we want to go over with you concerning Lord Vader. [the viewscreen turns on, showing an image of Darth Vader Force-choking an officer] First and foremost, he thinks he has the power to strangle us. Truth is, he doesn't. If he ever realized this, he would kill us with his lightsaber. Thus, to keep us safe, we all pretend to get strangled. Okay, let's try and practice. Commander Winston here will assist me. [the viewscreen turns off, and Commander Winston walks up and stands next to the commander] I'm going to hold out my hand like Lord Vader, and he will pretend to get strangled. [does a "Force-choke", and Commander Winston starts going through the motions of getting strangled] Gasping for air...grabs throat, yes...eyes back and he's DOWN! [Commander Winston falls to the ground, apparently dead] Good show, Commander! [two men enter, grab Winston, and pull him out of the room] Now, two of the floor chiefs will retrieve the "corpse", redress him, add a mustache, and he's back to work as "Lieutenant Leopold"! ["Lieutenant Leopold" reenters and waves] Vader has the satisfaction of killing someone, and we stay amongst the living! Why, "Private Perkins" over there has been strangled over 30 times! Haven't you, "Perkins"? [the view shifts to an officer wearing "Groucho Marx" glasses, and a large, fake, beard] Ha, ha, ha! Good man!

---

Nerd: [gets into an elevator with George Lucas; gasps] You're George Lucas!

George Lucas: Uhh, I take it you're here for the Star Wars convention?

Nerd: I sure am! Oooh, wanna see my costume? [begins to dress into it]

George Lucas: Uhhh...hm.

Nerd: See? I'm a Tauntaun! But I don't have to tell you, you invented Tauntauns!

George Lucas: Well, that's uh...that's very interesting-

Nerd: Listen to my Tauntaun call! Oorah-rah-rah-ooh-rah-rah-rah-ooh-rah-ooh-rah-ahh!

George Lucas: [elevator stops] Uhh...nicely done. [runs out of the elevator; sees a group of Star Wars fans in front of him] Oh, dear God...

Star Wars Fan 1: [screaming] Oh, my God, George LUCAAAAAS!

George Lucas: Oh, dear God, oh, dear God... [runs away]

Star Wars Fan 2: I love you! Give me a baby!

Nerd: [halts George Lucas] Quickly, sir! Onto my back! I am your steed!

George Lucas: Uhh... [pause; gets on] I have a bad feeling about this...

Nerd: [begins hopping away] Oorah-rah-rah-ooh-rah-rah!

George Lucas: Oh, dear God! [they enter the convention room on the stage; he gets off and stands at the podium and gets small feedback from the microphone] Uh, well, um...and I thought they smelt bad on the outside.

[Laughter, cheers, and applause from the audience]

Nerd: Just like in the movie! [George offers his hand to him] Me?! [takes his hand and bows, hyperventilating] Thank you! Thank you!

[Scene switches to the nerd in his old age with his grandson on his lap]

Old Nerd: And that was the greatest day of my whole life.

Grandson: What about when I was born?

Old Nerd: Not even close.

---

[A janitor is cleaning on a certain platform in Coruscant]

Mace Windu: [screaming while falling] THAT MOTHERFU- [hits the surface while his lightsaber continues plummeting to the darkest reaches of the city]

Janitor: [sighs] I gotta get that transfer to the Death Star. [sweeps away his corpse]

---

Doctor Mr. President, your vitals all check out fine. There is just one thing; your midichlorian count is extraordinarily high.

George Bush: Does that mean I'm one of them - whatcha call 'em, Jedis? [thinks then uses the force to pull down the doctors pants] Heheheheheheh.

[Scene change to Bush and his wife in bed. Bush runs his hand up and down the side of Laura]

Laura Bush: Oh not tonight, I'm tired honey.

George Bush: [mind trick] You're not tired, you wanna have a threesome.

Laura Bush: [eyes widen] I'm not tired, I want to have a threesome.

George Bush: [smiles and picks up telephone] Get me Condi! Heheheheh.

[Scene change to a parking lot at McDonalds. Bush is about to park his SUV when Bill Clinton shows up in his sports car and takes his spot. Bush rolls down his window to see what's going on]

Bill Clinton: Awww, sorry W, Big Mac attack! Yeeeeeeeheeeew! [Bush is angry and uses the force to lift Clinton and his car] Hey, hey! Whoa! What the dilly?! [Bush drops him in a nearby pond]

George Bush: [parking his SUV] Heheheheheheh! [scene change to George Bush using lightsaber to carve the words "W wuz hear" into the Lincoln Memorial] Heheh, saber beats rock. [the statue starts to rumble, and gasps] What the hell?

[The Lincoln Memorial raises up revealing a figure sitting underneath it, clouded by fog and a glowing white light; a machine lowers a top hat onto the figure's head; the figure turns around as a choir vocalizes, then reveals itself to be none other than Abraham Lincoln, who is a Sith]

Abraham Lincoln: Who dares disturb my slumber?

George Bush: Who dares question my...daring...of...his dare?...Jerk!

Abraham Lincoln: It is I...I who freed the slaves! I who indited-

George Bush: Boring! Let's fight!

[Lincoln draws a lightsaber and they begin the fight, passing by the Washington Monument. Bush corners Lincoln in the National Mall]

Abraham Lincoln: If you strike me down, I shall become- [Bush raises his saber for the kill] No, wait a minute, lemme finish- [Bush attacks Lincoln with his lightsaber as Lincoln completely vanishes on contact with the saber, excluding his clothes] Agghhh!

George Bush: That'll teach you, George Washington! [scene change to Cloud City where Darth Vader tells Luke Skywalker he is his father in "The Empire Strikes Back". Bush is on the platform Vader was on, while his daughter Jenna is on the catwalk Luke was on] Jenna, get over here right now! I am your father!

Jenna Bush: That's not true! That's impossible! [giving her father the middle finger] My real father would let me go clubbing as late as I want!

George Bush: Why you little- [cuts of Jenna's middle finger]

Jenna Bush: Owwww!

George Bush: Oh, no, baby, I'm sorry!

Jenna Bush: [voice slowly fades out as she falls] AHHHHHHH!!!! You suck!

GeorgeBush: NOOOOOOOOOOO- [scene change to Bush asleep on his desk in the White House Oval office; he wakes up] What? Who? Was it all just a dream?

Senator: [rushes in] Mr. President, we still haven't found any weapons of mass destruction!

George Bush: [tries to do a mind trick] You have found weapons of mass destruction.

Senator: Uhh...hi. We haven't.

George Bush: [tries again] You have.

Senator: [sighs] Uh, I don't know what you're doing.

George Bush: [still waving his fingers] Bring me a taco.

Senator: Yes, sir. [runs out of the office]

George Bush: Heheheh, tacos rule.

---

Luke: Your overconfidence is your weakness.

Palpatine: Your faith in your friends is yours.

Luke: [under his breath] Heh, faith in yo momma.

Palpatine: What was that?

Luke: I said yo momma's so fat, Jabba the Hutt said DAAAAAMN!

Palpatine: Well, your mother is so ugly, she put the 'ug' in 'ugnaught!'

Darth Vader: Ah, yo momma fight!

[Cut to next scene, Luke and Palpatine are on stage in front of a crowd]

Luke: Yo momma's so stupid, she spent all day saying "am not" to R2!

Crowd: Whoa!

Palpatine: Your mother is so fat, that Ben Kenobi said "That's no moon, that's yo momma!"

Crowd: Whoa!

Luke: Yo momma's so dumb, she brought Jar-Jar that comes with pickles pickles!

Crowd: Whoa!

Palpatine: Your mother is so stupid she, she thinks, she thinks that uh, a lightsaber has fewer calories!

[Music cuts; crowd falls silent]

Crowd: I don't get it.

Palpatine: It's lite. You know, cause it's 'lite,' and it's got less calories...and it's good...pfft for your body, that's how stupid your mother is.

Luke: Yo momma's so STUPID, she went to Bangkok to get a TIE fighter!

Crowd: Whoa! And Luke wins!

Palpatine: [being carried off by Darth Vader] What are you doing?! What are you doing?! Put me down! I- [screams as Darth Vader throws him into the reactor core]

---

[Cut to the janitor sweeping when Palpatine falls down to the ground after the previous sketch of "Yo Momma"]

Janitor: Oh, come on! [sweeps Palpatine's corpse] What are they doing up there all the time?

---

Darth Vader: [to Private Perkins] Inform the Emperor that the Jedi Temple has been sealed.

Private Perkins: Yes, my Lord. [walks away]

Jar-Jar Binks: [appears out of nowhere] Ani?! Ani!

Darth Vader: [surprised] Jar-Jar?

Jar-Jar: Oh! Little Ani!

Darth Vader: Jar-Jar, I am no longer Anakin Skywalker...

Jar-Jar Binks: [touches Vader's cape] Hey! These are some nice-ah duds, ah-poopah!

Darth Vader: Look, Jar-Jar,...

Jar-Jar: Hey...

Darth Vader: It is very important... [Jar-Jar taps on his helmet; groans, then scares Jar-Jar back a step] that you never speak to me again.

Jar-Jar Binks: What'sa happen to you? Yousa burn your face... [takes off Vader's helmet and looks at him in shock] AAAHHH!!!

Darth Vader: [quickly puts his helmet back on] Jar-Jar...

Jar=Jar Binks: Ani-bo-bani!! [shakes Vader by the shoulders] What'sa happen to you?!

Darth Vader: [grabs Jar-Jar by the ears and pulls him towards a door as Jar-Jar screams] Jar-Jar. Homey. My main man. Quickly, before the Separatists attack, get into the escape pod! [tosses Jar-Jar into an airlock chamber]

Jar-Jar Binks: Hey, if this is escape, then where the pod? [Vader shuts and locks the door] Yousa forgot the pod!! [Vader presses a button which ejects Jar-Jar out into space] WHOOO!!!

[A completely motionless and frozen crisp of Jar-Jar Binks floats out into space with no sounds whatsoever. Later, Darth Vader is in bed; sighing, then chuckles maniacally]

Jar-Jar Binks: [appears as the Force ghost] Ani! Look! Yousa not gonna believe it! Meesa all sparkly glowy! [Vader covers his own head with a pillow while Jar-Jar bounces around Vader's bed ecstatically] Now, weesa gonna have all the time to spend together! I love you, Ani! Yaaaahh! Ah-haahhh! Ani, yeeeeah!

---

Darth Vader: Turn to the dark side and join me.

Luke: I'll never join you...You killed my father!

Darth Vader: No, Luke...I am your father!

Luke: That's not true! That's impossible!

Darth Vader: And Princess Leia is your sister!

Luke: That's not true! That's...improbable.

Darth Vader: And the Empire will be defeated by Ewoks!

Luke: That's...very unlikely.

Darth Vader: And as a child, I built C-3PO!

Luke: Huh?

[Time passes; Vader is having coffee while Luke was smoking a cigarette]

Darth Vader: [sipping his cup of coffee] And the Force? Well, that's just microscopic bacteria in your bloodstream called Midichlorians.

Luke: [tossing the cigarette away and walks safely back into the catwalk] Look, if you're not gonna take this seriously, I'm out. [leaves]

---

[The sketch begins with Emperor Palpatine sitting in his chair in the second Death Star with Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker standing in front of him]

Palpatine: As you can see, my young apprentice, your friends have- [a loud hammering is heard and he turns to the source of the noise for a few seconds] [louder] Your friends have failed! Now- [drowned out by large construction noises] Now witness the firepower of this fully- [construction noises get louder] Fully armed and operational battle- [construction noises drown out his voice] OH, COME ON! [gets up to the section of the Death Star that's under construction which is also right next to his throne. He jumps up and down waving his arms to get the workers' attention] Hey, fellas! [then walks over to the foreman and touches his shoulder to get his attention] Excuse me, excuse me. [the foreman named Ray looks at him and raises his hand at the construction workers, who stop instantly and the construction noises stop as well] He-Hey, the Force is strong with this one, eh? What you got there, a latte? You ever had the hazelnut macchiato? Change your life. [short pause] Anywho, Tony, right?

Ray: [in a tough tone] Ray.

Palpatine: Ray. Sorry, sorry. I-I-I get mixed up. Who's-Who's Tony? [looks around and no one answers] Anyway, I-I hate to interrupt. I know you're very busy. Is there anyway to finish this area, you know, later? I'm-I'm kind of in the middle of something.

Ray: [sighs heavily] Look, Mr. Saltine. I don't tell you how to...threaten your blonde kid. So, why don't you go back over there to your Sit' n' Spin and let me do my job?

Palpatine: Okay, okay. Copy that. Good talk. Tsk tsk. [walks back over to Luke and Vader] They'll, uh, they'll-they'll just be a little longer. I-I told them to stop, but, uh, you know: No speak-o minimum wage-o. [laughs] So, so where was I? Oh, right, right. Now witness the firepower-

[Palpatine's voice is completely drowned out by the loud construction noises. Luke and Vader look at each other and Vader shrugs in confusion]

Cast

• Seth Green - Announcer, Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, Homeless man, Imperial officer, Jenna Bush, Max Reebo, Nerd, Ponda Baba, Space slug #2,[1] Qui-Gon Jinn
• Candace Bailey - Girl, Princess Leia Organa
• Abraham Benrubi - Darth Vader
• Bob Bergen - Luke Skywalker
• Ahmed Best - Jar Jar Binks, Stormtrooper
• Donald Faison - Evazan, Mace Windu
• Joey Fatone - Himself
• Keith Ferguson - Han Solo, C-3PO, Imperial droid
• Mark Hamill - Luke Skywalker (Spoilers sketch only)
• Hulk Hogan - Abraham Lincoln
• Tom Kane - C-3PO
• George Lucas - Himself
• Seth MacFarlane - Emperor Palpatine
• Malcolm McDowell - Head Imperial officer
• Breckin Meyer - Admiral Ackbar, Announcer, Boba Fett, Janitor, Space slug #1
• Dan Milano - Boy, Cantina bartender, Luke Skywalker
• Chad Morgan - Laura Bush, Princess Leia Organa, Weather girl
• Conan O'Brien - Ponda Baba's boss, Zuckuss
• Robert Smigel - Emperor Palpatine parody
• Adam Talbott - Jawa
• James Van Der Beek - Bush's aide