Red vs. Blue

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Red vs Blue, also known as RvB, is a RoosterTeeth science fiction comedy series created by Rooster Teeth Productions.

Season 1

Why Are We Here? (Episode 1)

Simmons: Hey.

Grif: Mmyeah?

Simmons: D'you ever wonder why we're here?

Grif: It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it? Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of some... cosmic coincidence? Or is there really a God, watching everything, you know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don't know man, but it keeps me up at night.

Simmons: ...What? I mean why are we out here, in this canyon?

Grif: Oh. Uhhhhh. Yeah.

Simmons: And what was all that stuff about God?

Grif: Uhhhhh. Hm? Nothing.

Simmons: ...Do you want to talk about it?

Grif: No.

Simmons: You sure?

Grif: Yes.

Simmons: Seriously though, why are we out here? As far as I can tell, it's just a box canyon in the middle of nowhere. No way in or out.

Grif: Mmhm.

Simmons: The only reason that we set up a red base here is because they have a blue base over there. And the only reason they have a blue base over there is because we have a red base here.

Grif: Well, yeah, that's because we're fighting each other.

Simmons: No, no, but I mean... even if we were to pull out today, and they were to come and take our base, they would have two bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoopdee-fuckin-doo.

Grif: What's up with that anyway? I mean, I signed on to fight some aliens, next thing I know, Master Chief blows up the whole Covenant Armada, and I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere fighting a bunch of blue guys!

Tucker: What are they doing?

Church: ...What?!

Tucker: I said, what are they doing now?

Church: God... damn! I'm getting so sick of answering that question—

Tucker: You have the fucking rifle; I can't see shit! So don't bitch at me because I'm not going to just sit up here and play with my dick—

Church: Okay, okay, look: they're just standing there and talking. Okay? That's all they're doing— that's all they ever do— is just stand there and talk. That's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. So five minutes from now, when you ask me, "What are they doing?", my answer's gonna be, "They're still just talking, and they're still just standing there!"

Tucker: ...What are they talking about?

Church: You know what? I fucking hate you.

Grif: Talk about a waste of resources. I mean, we should be out there finding new and intelligent forms of life, you know, fight them.

Simmons: Yeah, no shit, that's why they should have put us in charge.

Sarge: Ladies! Front and center on the double!

Simmons: Fuck!

Grif: Yes sir!

Red Gets a Delivery (Episode 2)

Sarge: Hurry up, ladies. This ain't no ice cream social!

Simmons: Ice cream social?

Sarge: Stop the pillow talk, you two. Anyone want to guess why I gathered you here today?

Grif: Uhh... is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?

Sarge: [sarcastically] That's exactly it, Private. War's over, we won; turns out you're the big hero and we're going to hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float, and Simmons here is in charge of confetti!

Grif: I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir.

Sarge: God damn it private! Shut your mouth or else I'll have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep.

Simmons: Oh I'd do it, too.

Sarge: I know you would Simmons. Good man. Couple of things today, ladies. Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.

Grif: Crap, we're getting a rookie.

Sarge: That's right, dead man. Our new recruit will be here within the week, but today we received the first part of our shipment from Command. Lopez, bring up the vehicle.

[Lopez drives up in a new jeep]

Simmons: Shotgun.

Grif: Shotgun... Fuck!

Sarge: May I introduce our new Light-Reconnaissance Vehicle. It has 4-inch armor plating, MAG bumper suspension, a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlemen! This is the M12 LRV! I like to call it the "Warthog".

Simmons: Why "Warthog", Sir?

Sarge: Because "M12 LRV" is too hard to say in conversation, son.

Grif: No, but, why "Warthog"? I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig...

Sarge: Say that again?

Grif: I think it looks more like a puma.

Sarge: What in Sam Hell is a "puma"?

Simmons: Uhh, you mean like the shoe company?

Grif: No, like a puma. It's a big cat, like a lion.

Sarge: You're making that up.

Grif: I'm telling you, it's a real animal!

Sarge: Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.

Simmons: Yes, sir!

Sarge: Look, see these two tow hooks? They look like tusks, and what kind of animal has tusks?

Grif: ...A walrus.

Sarge: Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?!

Tucker: What is that thing?

Church: I dunno. It looks like... Uh... It looks like they've got some sort of car down there. We'd better get back to base and report it.

Tucker: A car? How come they get a car?!

Church: What are you complaining about, man? We're about to get a tank in the very next drop.

Tucker: [mutters to himself] You can't pick up chicks in a tank...

Church: Oh, you know what? You could bitch about anything, couldn't you? We're gonna get a tank, and you're worried about chicks. What chicks are we gonna pick up, man?! Frig! And secondly, how're we gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?

Tucker: Well, what kind of car is it?

Church: I don't know, I've never seen a car like that before. It looks like a, uh ...like a big cat of some kind.

Tucker: ...What, like a puma?

Church: Yeah, man, there you go.

Sarge: So unless anybody has any more mythical creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, we're gonna stick with: the Warthog. How about it, Grif?

Grif: No, sir. No more suggestions.

Sarge: Are you sure? How 'bout Big Foot?

Grif: It's okay.

Sarge: Unicorn?

Grif: No, really. I'm... I'm cool.

Sarge: Sasquatch?

Simmons: Leprechaun?

Grif: Hey, he doesn't need any help, man.

Sarge: Phoenix?

Grif: [sigh] [muttering] Christ.

Sarge: Hey Simmons! What's the name of that Mexican lizard? Eats all the goats.

Simmons: Uh, that would be the Chupacabra, sir.

Sarge: Hey Grif! Chupa-thingy, how 'bout that? I like it. Got a ring to it.

The Rookies (Episode 3)

Simmons: Hey, that's not exactly what happened.

Grif: Yes, it is. You said, "I'm not going to the Vegas Quadrant", and then the next thing I know you're in an escape pod heading for—

Donut: (interrupting) Excuse me uh, sirs...?

Grif: "Sirs"? Oh crap.

Donut: I was told to report to Blood Gulch outpost number one and speak to whoever's in charge.

Grif: Sorry, man, Sarge is at command getting orders; ain't nobody in charge today.

Simmons: Actually, Private, he left me in charge while he's gone.

Grif: You are such a kiss-ass.

Simmons: Also, he told me that if I had any trouble from you I should, [clears throat] [mimicking Sarge] "Get in the Warthog and crush your head like a tomato can."

Grif: ...That's the worst impression I've ever heard.

Simmons: Okay, Rookie, what's your story?

Donut: Private Donut reporting for duty, sir! Ready to fight some aliens.

Grif: Couple of things here, Rookie. First off, "Private Donut"? I think somebody needs a new nickname. Secondly, what's with the armor color?

Donut: This is the standard issue red.

Grif: Yeah, I know. Listen, only two kinds of people wear standard issue armor: officers and recruits, and since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an officer.

Donut: [referring to Simmons] Well, he's wearing red armor.

Simmons: No. My armor is maroon. Your armor is red.

Donut: Well, how do I get a different color armor?

Simmons: I bet the Blues don't have to put up with this kind of crap.

[the Blues are admiring their new tank]

Caboose: So I say to the guy, "How you going to get the tank down to the planet?" And he goes, "I'll just put it on the ship." And I go, "If you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?"

Tucker: Hey kid?

Caboose: Yeah?

Tucker: You're ruining the moment. Shut up.

Caboose: Oh... okay. You got it, man!

Church: You know what? I could blow up the whole goddamn world with this thing.

Simmons: Okay, Private Donut, here's the deal—

Grif: I just refuse to call him Private Donut.

Simmons: We've got a very important mission for you. You think you can handle it?

Donut: Absolutely!

Simmons: We need you to go to the store and get two quarts of elbow grease.

Grif: Yeah and, uh, pick up some... headlight fluid for the Puma too.

Donut: The what?

Simmons: He means the Warthog.

Grif: You do know where the store is, right, Rookie?

Donut: What? Uh, yeah! Yeah, of course I do. Sure. No problem.

Simmons: Well, get going then.

[Donut starts to go left]

Grif: Other way.

[Donut turns around and goes right]

Donut: I knew that! Just... got turned around, that's all.

[Donut goes off frame]

Simmons: How long do you think until he figures out there's no store?

Grif: I'd say... at least a week.

[camera cuts to Donut]

Donut: Elbow grease! How stupid do they think I am? Once I get back to base with the headlight fluid, I'm gonna talk to the sergeant.

[the Blues talking about their new tank]

Tucker: You know what? Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks a piece.

Church: Oh, man! Listen to you! What are you gonna do with two chicks?

Tucker: Church, women are like Voltron; the more you can hook up, the better it gets.

Simmons: You think that we were too mean to the kid?

Grif: Nah, he'll just wander around on the cliffs for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?

[Donut walks towards Blue base]

Donut: Finally! There it is! Oh, sweet! They sell tanks!

Head Noob in Charge (Episode 4)

Church: Hey, I'll letcha in on a little secret. I've uh... I've actually got a girl back home.

Tucker: Oh yeah? Girlfriend or wife?

Church: No, man, she's just my girlfriend, y'know. We were gonna get married, but I got shipped out and... ah, you know how it works.

Tucker: Oh, well... are you gonna marry her when you get back?

Caboose: I'm not gonna get married. My dad always said, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Church: Hey, Rookie, did you just call my girlfriend a cow?

Tucker: No, I think he called her a slut!

Church: I'll tell ya what, noob, I could sit out here and listen to you insult my girlfriend all day long, but as it turns out, I got a lot more important job for you to do.

Caboose: [dryly] Great.

Church: See, we've got this general—

Tucker: Right... the... general guy.

Church: —who likes to come by and make random inspections at bases. So what I'm gonna have you do is I'm gonna have you go in the base and stand right next to the flag at attention just in case he decides to come by.

Caboose: When is he coming by?

Tucker: We'd never know. Could be today could be... a week from now.

Caboose: You want me to stand at attention for a week?

Church: You know, you don't sound very grateful. This is the most important job at the whole base! You're gonna be right there with the flag.

Caboose: What's so important about the flag?

Church: Oh, come on! Don't they teach you guys anything in training?

Caboose: They didn't tell us anything about a flag... why is it so important?

Church: Because it's the flag, man, you know... it's the flag ...it's ...Tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important.

Tucker: Well... it's... it's complicated... it's blue, we're blue—

Church: It's just important, okay? Trust us. So when the general comes by, the first thing he's gonna want to do is inspect the flag.

Tucker: Right.

Church: So just go in there, you know, far away from us, and wait for him.

Caboose: How will I know when I see him?

Tucker: There's only three of us out here, Rookie. He's gonna be the guy who doesn't look like one of us.

Church: Now get in there and don't come out!

[Caboose runs into Blue base]

Church: Man! That guy is dumber than you are!

Tucker: You mean he's dumber than you are.

Church: [sarcastically] Wow, Tucker. That was a great comeback.

[Caboose goes back out of Blue base]

Caboose: Uhhh... Mr Church? Sir?

Church: Oh my God! What! Tucker, I swear I'm gonna kill him!

Caboose: Sorry about calling your girl a... slut.

Church: ROOKIE! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY! GET IN THERE!

[Caboose runs back inside Blue base]

[Tucker turns around and has his back to the Blue base and starts laughing. Upon hearing this, Church turns around and has his back to the Blue base as well]

Church: Tucker, are you laughing at me?

[Donut comes behind both of them]

Donut: Excuse me, sir? Can I ask you a question?

[Church and Tucker, without looking, assume that Donut is Caboose]

Church: Dear God in heaven, Rookie. If I turn around and you are NOT inside, I... I can't be held responsible for what I'm gonna do to you!

Donut: What did I do?

Church: One...

Donut: Ah, gimmie a break!

Church: Two...

Donut: Fine!

[Donut runs inside Blue base]

[Donut runs into a room with Caboose standing next to the Blue flag; Caboose thinks that Donut is the general and Donut thinks the Blue base is the store]

Caboose: Wow! You got here fast!

Donut: Why is everybody so freaking rude in this canyon?!

Caboose: I'm not, sir! What can I do for ya?

Donut: Finally! Someone with a little respect around here!

Caboose: Yes, sir! [motions toward flag] I assume you're here because of this.

Donut: Wait... is this all you have?

Caboose: Uh, yes, sir! That's it!

Donut: Aw man! This figures. Shit. What about elbow grease?

Caboose: Ummm...

Donut: Headlight fluid?

Caboose: Nope. All we have is this flag.

Donut: Well, I can't go back empty-handed. I guess I'll take that.

Caboose: Sure... that makes sense... I guess...

Donut: Man, they're gonna give me so much shit for coming back with just this stupid flag.

[Donut runs off with the Blue flag]

[Church and Tucker talk outside about the tank, completely unaware of what just took place]

Church: Well, enough gabbing out of us, let's take this bad boy out for a spin. Go ahead and hop in, Tucker.

Tucker: Me? I can't drive that thing!

Church: You're telling me you're not armor certified?

Tucker: I ca— I don't even know how to use the fuckin' sniper rifle! Don't you know how to drive that?

Church: No! Holy crap! Who is running this army?!

[Caboose leaves Blue base]

Caboose: Hey! Just wanted to let you know, the general stopped by and picked up the flag!

Church: [to Caboose] Yeah, okay. Whatever, moron! [back to Tucker] Why would they give us a tank if nobody here knows how to drive the damn thing? ...Wait a second. What did he just say?

The Package Is In the Open (Episode 5)

[Through a combination of misunderstandings, Caboose let Donut take the blue flag]

Church: Let me get this straight; you gave this guy our flag...

Caboose: Is that bad?

Church: Bad? Oh no, that's not bad! Next time he comes over, why don't you just help him blow up the whole god damn base?!

Tucker: There! There he is!

[Church looks though a sniper rifle]

Church: Where? [sees Donut] Oh! Yeah! Oh, I got him! He's sneaking around back behind the cliffs.

Tucker: He must be one smart son of a bitch.

[Camera cuts to Donut]

Donut: Oh man, I am so freakin' lost! Where the hell is the base?

Church: Oh shit! Hey, Tucker, look at his armor. It's red.

Tucker: Oh man! That means it's their sergeant.

Church: Well, that makes sense. At least now we know how he got by our defenses.

Caboose: Uh...you know...he came in the back door where you guys were standing.

Tucker: Yeah, okay, well let's take him out then.

Church: Rodger that. Okay, say goodnight, Sarge. [takes four shots; all miss]

[Camera cuts to Donut]

Donut: SON OF A BITCH!

Church: Aw crap. [sees Tucker staring] What?

Tucker: You're really not very good with that thing, are you?

[Donut runs side to side]

Donut: [yelling] Hey! It's me! Don't shoot! I'm the guy that bought the flag, remember?!

Tucker: Oh, great. Now he's taunting us! That's just embarrassing.

Church: All right, that's it! I've had it! Rookie, you stay here. Me and Tucker, we'll head through the teleporter, we'll cut him off at the pass.

Caboose: Right!

Church: Tucker, you ready? Let's go.

Tucker: There is no way I'm going through that thing.

Church: Tucker, we don't have time for this. Why would they give us a teleporter if it doesn't work?

Tucker: I don't know! Why would they give us a tank that no one can drive?

Church: We already tested the teleporter, remember?

Tucker: We threw rocks through it!

Church: Yeah and so what? The rocks came through the other side, didn't they?

Tucker: Yeah, but they were all hot and covered with black stuff.

Church: Oh, so I guess that's what this is all about then? You're afraid of a little black stuff.

Tucker: Yes, I am. I am afraid of black stuff.

Church: Tucker, I almost hate to do this to ya. [Church points his gun at him]

Tucker: You wouldn't.

Church: You know, I look at it this way: either a) we go through there and get the flag back, or b) we stay here, and I get to kill you. Either way, I win.

Tucker: For the record, I want you to know: rocks aren't people.

Church: Duly noted. Now get in there.

Tucker: Crap! All right. One... two...

[Tucker runs through the teleporter]

[Seconds pass and Tucker hasn't come out of the teleporter]

Caboose: Huh. He didn't come out the other side...

Church: Yeah. I've, uh... I've decided I'm not gonna use the teleporter.

[Church runs away from the base]

Church: Okay, Rookie, you stay here. I'll be back with the flag.

Simmons: I still have no idea what you're talking about. I didn't hear any shots.

Grif: I'm telling you, it was 4 shots; like bam, bam, bam!

Simmons: Wait a second, that's only 3 bams.

Grif: (annoyed) Bam.

[Grif looks through a sniper rifle]

Grif: Wait a second, we got a Blue guy on the move out there!

Simmons: Where's he headed?

Grif Oh crap! It's Donut. And he's got something. Looks like...Simmons, get the Warthog.

Simmons: [jokingly] You mean the Puma?

Grif: Yeah, keep making jokes. That'll win the war.

1.21 Giga-Whats (Episode 6)

Grif: Oh crap! I-It's Donut. And he's got something. It looks like.... Simmons, get the Warthog.

Simmons: (jokingly) You mean the Puma?

[Church catches up to Donut in middle of canyon]

Church: FREEZE! [aims assault rifle at Donut]

Donut: Hey, why the hell were you shooting at me? You could've hit me, dick!

Church: Can it! Don't try to play stupid with me, Sarge! I know who you are. We've been spying on you for three weeks now.

Donut: I just got here two hours ago and I'm not a Sergeant, I'm a Private.

Church: Wait a minute, you're not the Sergeant!

Donut: Yeah! That's what I just said.

Church: Well then how the hell did you manage to steal our flag?

Donut: Steal? I have no idea what the hell you're talking about.

[Tucker suddenly pops out through the teleporter]

Tucker: THREE!

Church: JESUS!

Donut: HOLY SHIT! Who is this guy?

Church: What in the hell?! Tucker? Is that you?

Tucker: How did you get up here ahead of me?

Donut: And what's with that black shit on your armor?

Tucker: Hey! Freeze, Sarge! [Tucker levels his weapon at Donut's head]

Donut: Will you stop calling me a Sergeant? I'm still just a Private!

Tucker: The Sarge is still a Private? Oh. My. God. The teleporter sent me back in time!

[Grif gets in driver's seat of warthog and ranchero music begins playing]

Grif: Sorry Lopez, we need the jeep.

Simmons: I'll take gunner. [gets in gunner position.]

Simmons: Let's roll!

Grif: How do you turn off the fucking radio in this car?

Simmons: Don't worry Lopez, we'll bring her back in one piece!

Tucker: Look, I know you don't know me, but you have to believe what I'm about to tell you. Sometime in your future, I get stationed here in Blood Gulch and we meet. And this guy here, (motioning towards Donut) he gets promoted to Sergeant of the red army and we spy on them. And they get this new jeep and I'm all like, "There is no way you can pick up chicks in a tank!"

Church: Tucker, what the fuck are you babbling about?

Tucker: I know all this sounds crazy, but he eventually becomes a Sergeant, and then one day we get a tank, and he comes and steals our flag while we're distracted!

Donut: Is this guy a retard?

[Annoying ranchero music from the Red Team's Warthog starts playing quietly and gets louder and louder as Church continues talking]

Church: Red, shut up. Tucker, listen to me, you haven't gone back in time, okay? This is the guy that stole our flag, he's just not the Sergeant. Turns out, he's just some dumb rookie who happens to have the same color armor as him. He got in somehow; just— FOR GOD'S SAKE, WHAT IS THAT MUSIC!?

[Warthog flies over hill towards Church, Tucker, and Donut]

Simmons: Whooo-hoooo!

Church: Son of a bitch!

Tucker: Holy shit!

Church: Run! Jesus, run!

Tucker: The jeep followed me back in time!

[Simmons starts shooting and yelling taunts at the Blues, who have hidden behind a rock]

Grif: What the hell is going on here?

Donut: You know what? I honestly have no idea what's going on! I think everyone in this canyon is absolutely insane!

Grif: How did you get their flag?

Donut: I don't know, I just asked for it.

Grif: Wait, that worked!?

Donut: I guess. Is it not supposed to?

Grif: I don't know. We ...never even thought to try that. Just take the flag to the base, I'll explain there.

Donut: Not until someone tells me what the fuck is go—

Grif: There's no time to explain, Rookie! Just take the flag and go to base! I'll explain everything there!

Donut: Fine! [starts running towards blue base]

Grif: Ugh, back to our base, dumbass!

Donut: Uh, I know. I just got turned around that's all.

Caboose: Oh man... that's not good. Oh my God, that jeep has a really big gun. (indecisive) Stay here... tank... stay here... tank..... Ahh screw it! [runs towards the tank]

Church: Well, we'll just wait here. That thing's gotta run out of bullets sometime.

Check Out the Treads on This Thing (Episode 7)

[Church and Tucker are ducked behind rocks to avoid gunfire from the jeep]

Church: My God, doesn't that thing ever run out of bullets?

Tucker: You know, in hindsight, we should have brought the tank.

Church: (obviously annoyed) Hey, Tucker, what good is a tank gonna do us if nobody here knows how to drive it?

Tucker: Yeah, I can see how hiding behind a rock is a much better strategy.

Church: Well... yeah, but... oh man, I guess I gotta give that one to you.

[Caboose enters the tank's cockpit, and the engine starts]

Sheila: Hello, and thank you for activating the M8O8V main battle tank. You may call me Sheila.

Caboose: (nervously) Hello... Sheila... big tank lady...

Sheila: Would you like me to run the tutorial program?

Caboose: Oh that'd be very nice. Thank you!

Sheila: Tutorial program activated. This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of this Scorpion-class tank. Let's begin with some driving.

Caboose: Okay.

Grif: Simmons! SIMMONS!! (Simmons stops shooting) Man! That thing is loud!

Simmons: WHAT?

Grif: Come on, let's sneak around the back of the rock and get 'em out.

Simmons: OKAY!

Grif: Keep it down! Jesus! Let's go, before they figure out what's going on.

[Caboose, learning how to drive the tank, has rammed it against a rock with most of the treads off the ground]

Sheila: Now that you've mastered driving the M8O8V, let's move on to some of the safety features.

Caboose: No! No, wait, go back! Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?

Church: (whispering) Psst! Hey! They stopped firing.

Tucker: Why are you whispering?

Church: (whispering) Ummm...I don't know.

[Tank drives up as Grif and Simmons are talking]

Grif: Aw crap! I don't think we're gonna be able to get around this way.

Simmons: Tell me again... uh, why did we get out of the jeep?

[Sheila pulls up behind them]

Grif: Well, I guess it was this, or sit there and watch you shoot rocks all day long.

Simmons: Well at least that was fun.

[Both notice the tank]

Grif: Ho-ly crap. What in God's name is that thing?

Church: Tucker, don't be stupid. They're just trying to draw us out.

Tucker: No they're not! Look! They left the jeep. They're gone!

Church: Well... I don't know about this. It seems pretty fishy but... a'ight, screw it! Let's go get it.

[Tank aims at Grif]

Grif: Dude, hold still. I don't think it sees us.

Don't Ph34r the Reaper (Episode 8)

[Tank pointing at Grif and Simmons]

Grif: Why is it just sitting there?

Simmons: Just trying to mess with our head. Let's get back to the Warthog.

[in the tank] Sheila: This tank is equipped with an auto-fire sequence that can be activated by pressing the auto-fire button.

Caboose: (talks over Sheila while she continues explaining; looking for button) Auto-fire... auto-fire... here! Here. No, wait! Okay that's more of a switch than a button...

Simmons: Okay, you ready? Let's do this on three. One...

Grif: Wait! On three? Or three and then go?

Simmons: On three. It's always faster to go on three.

Grif: Okay, okay, on three.

Caboose: Here! (presses button)

Sheila: Tutorial deactivated. Auto-fire sequence activated.

Simmons: Ready?

Sheila: Acquiring targets.

      ————————————————————————

[on a hill, with Tucker] Church: I'm going for the jeep. Cover me!

      ———————————————————————-.

[Grif starts backing up, then turns around and starts running towards the jeep]

Simmons: One...

Sheila: (aims towards Grif) Target acquired.

Grif: (panting) Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!

Simmons: Two...

Sheila: (locks onto Grif) Target locked.

[cut to Church also running towards jeep]

Simmons: Three! [Simmons turns around and sees that Grif left without him] Oh, you back-stabbing cockbite!

Sheila: Firing main cannon.

[the jeep blows up]

Simmons: Son of a bitch!

Grif: SON OF A BITCH!!

Church: Son of a bitch!!

[Sheila begins shooting at Simmons and Grif]

Sheila: Firing main cannon.

Simmons: Shit!

Sheila: Firing main cannon. Firing main cannon.

Tucker: [as Church arrives back at rock] Hey dude, the jeep blew up.

Church: No kidding. Thanks for the update, Tucker!

[Grif and Simmons are hiding behind a rock while the tank is shooting]

Simmons: (sarcastically) Hey! I have a great idea. Let's get out of the jeep and sneak around the side of the rock! Great plan you idiot!

Sheila: All targets eliminated. Acquiring new targets.

[Church steps out from behind the rock he and Tucker are hiding behind]

Church: Hey, Tucker! Look at this, man! It's the rookie! And he brought the tank out to scare off the Reds.

Tucker: What? No way.

Church: (yelling to Caboose) Hey rookie! Good job, man! Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?

Sheila: [main cannon focuses on Church] New target acquired.

Caboose: That's not a target. That's Church!

Church: Yeah that's right, it's me, Church! What's going on, man?

Sheila: Target locked.

Caboose: What? No! Target unlock! Unlock!! Please help me nice lady!

Sheila: Firing main cannon.

Caboose: Uh-oh...

Tucker: Uh-oh...

Church: What? Oh... son of a bi—

[Sheila fires and Church goes flying]

Tucker: Holy fuck! Church, are you okay? Talk to me! Church! (yells to Caboose) You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!

Sheila: Auto-fire sequence deactivated.

Church: (gasping) Tucker! T-Tucker!

Tucker: Church! It's going to be okay, man.

Church: No... I-I'm no— I'm not gonna make it. Tucker, there's something I need to tell you.

Tucker: (incredulously) What is it?

Church: I just want you to know... I always hated you. I always hated you the most.

Tucker: Yeah, I know you did. Now hurry up and die, you prick.

Church: Okay. Herrkkk... blaahh.

After Church (Episode 9)

[Simmons and Grif run back to the base where Donut is standing next to the flag]

Donut: What happened?

Grif: (panting) Big... tank... shooting... Whoo!

Simmons: Damn, man, we only ran like 300 feet. You are really out of shape!

Grif: (panting) Fuck... you!

Donut: Where's your car?

Simmons: General Patton here had a great strategy to leave it behind.

Grif: Hey, it would've worked if that tank hadn't shown up.

Donut: You lost the jeep? Oh man, Lopez is gonna be pissed. Where is it?

[Sheila's cannon fires, and the Warthog lands next to them on top of the red base]

Grif: What the hell?

[Shelia fires at the base]

Grif: SON OF A BITCH!

Donut: Oh crap! What the hell is that thing?!

Grif: That's the tank!

Donut: Hey, uh...Grif, uh, you wanna hold the flag for a little bit?

Grif: No! Keep that away from me!

Tucker: Why do you keep firing at the jeep?

Caboose: Because it's locked on!

Shelia: Target locked.

Tucker: Well, unlock it!

Caboose: Last time I unlocked it, I KILLED CHURCH!

Tucker: Oh, right... keep shooting the jeep then.

Donut: I hate to be the one to point this out guys, but i think we're screwed.

Simmons: Yeah, I have to agree with the rookie on this one.

Sarge: [Radio sounds] Blood Gulch outpost #1, come in Blood Gulch outpost, come in. Do you read me? This is Sergeant-

Grif: Oh my god, Sarge, is that you?

Sarge: Roger that, private. I am currently inbound to your position from command.

Simmons: Sir, this is Simmons.

Sarge: Hello, Simmons. I hope everything's gone alright while I've been gone.

Grif: Actually sir, things are kind of hectic right now. The new rookie arrived and somehow he managed to infiltrate the blue base. And now we have their flag, the warthog is damaged, one of their guys is dead, and there's this huge fucking tank about to destroy our base.

[Slight Pause]

Sarge: Am I talking to the right base?

Grif: Sarge, we are going to die here!!

Sarge: Well then hold tight boys, I think I gotta solution to your little tank problem.

Tucker: Uh oh.

[A large shadow flies over the Red Base]

Tucker:: Hey, Caboose, you might wanna get out of the tank like right now!

Caboose: I can't figure out how to GET THIS THING OPEN!

Sheila: Night vision engaged.

Tucker: Rookie! Get out now!

[Line of explosions approach the tank as Caboose is talking]

Caboose: (desperate) Ok... open the... ok... uh, Sheila will you please open the door?

Sheila: Driver canopy open. Thank you for using the M808V Main Battle T-

[Caboose escapes as Sheila is hit by an air strike, blasting her upside down]

Caboose: Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap!! Running, running, running! Man... That was close.

Tucker: Look at your tank though.

Sheila: [in a fading voice, referencing 2001: A Space Odyssey] I'm scared Dave. Will I dream? Daaaivvvvy... Daaaivvvvvy...

Caboose: (screaming) SHEEEEIIIIIILLLLLLLAAAAAAA!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Tucker: What? No! Sheila! Sheila! Wait, who's Sheila?

Caboose: (devastated) Shiela's the lady in the tank. She was my friend.

Tucker: Oh, dude! I knew you could pick up chicks in a tank!

A Shadow of His Former Self (Episode 10)

Tucker: [Radio sounds] Come in, Blue Command. This is Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. Do you read me?

Caboose: [Cleaning Tucker's armor] Ok, that is the last of it. Your armor is clean now!

Tucker: Did you get all the black stuff off?

Vic: This is Blue Command, come in Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha.

Tucker: Hello! Command! We need help.

Vic: Roger that, Blood Gulch, what is your request?

Tucker: I don't know what the technical military term is for it... but, uh, we're pretty fucked up down here. We need men.

Vic: ...Dude, how long have you guys been down there?

Tucker: No no no... not like that! We need more men to help us.

Vic: Roger that. Did you get the tank we sent?

Tucker: Yeah but that got blown up too!

Vic: Wow... sucks to be you.

Tucker: Yeah, we know.

Vic: Okay, here's what I can do: the nearest blue forces can be there in sixteen days, or I-

Tucker: Sixteen days?! That's almost two weeks!

Vic: Or I can hire a nearby freelancer and get him there within a few hours.

Caboose: I like the in an hour one.

Tucker: Yeah, me too. Roger that, Command, we prefer the quicker solution.

Vic: Ten four, Blood Gulch. We will contact Freelancer Tex and have him there post haste. Command out.

Tucker: Whoever he is, make sure he can fix a tank.

Caboose: What's a freelancer?

Tucker: Freelancers are independent, they're not red or blue. They're just guns-for-hire who will fight for whoever has the most money.

Caboose: Like a mercenary.

Tucker: Right. Or like your Mom when the rent's due.

Caboose: Oh, that's funny.

Tucker: Yeah? You didn't think that was too obvious?

Caboose: No, no, not at all. That was... that was good

Church: [appearing before Caboose and Tucker as a ghost and in a spooky voice] Tuuuckeeerrr... Tuuuuuucckkeeeeerrr...

Tucker: (alarmed) WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

Church: I am the ghost of Church and I've come back with a waaaarrrniiiinnng...

Caboose: You're not Church. Church is blue! You're white!

Church: (normal voice) Rookie, shut up, man! I'm a freaking ghost. Have you ever seen a blue ghost before?

Tucker: Yeah, that's definitely him.

Church: Now I gotta start over again. [clears throat and speaks in spooky voice] Tuuuuckeeerrr, Tuuuucckkeeeeerrrr, I've come back with a waaaaarrrniiiinng!

Tucker: Is it really necessary to do the voice?

Caboose: Yeah, it's kind of annoying.

Church: Fine. Ok, here's the deal. I've come back from the dead to give you a warning about Tex. Don't let-

Caboose: What's the warning?

Church: Shut up for one second and I'll tell you!

Caboose: Oh, sorry.

Church: Seriously, man! I mean, I'm coming back from the Great Beyond here! Do you think this is easy? It's not! It's not like just... you know pop in and out whenever I feel like it, it takes a lot of concentration!

Caboose: (dejectedly) Sorry.

Church: I mean, it's bad enough that you killed me to begin with, but now I come back and I can't even get a word in edgewise, man! [exhales] Okay, here's the deal.

Caboose: Is this the warning?

Church: Alright, that's it. I swear to God, Caboose... your ass is haunted. When we're done here, I'm gonna haunt you.

Tucker: Yeah, you're even starting to bug me.

Church: Okay, Tucker. You remember that I told you I was stationed on Sidewinder before they transferred me here to Blood Gulch, right?

Tucker: No!

Caboose: Sidewinder? Isn't that the ice planet?

Church: Yes.

Caboose: Cool! What was that like?!

Church: Um... it was cold.

Caboose: That's it? Just cold?

Church: (annoyed) What do you want from me? A poem?! It's a planet made entirely out of ice. It's really fuckin' cold.

Tucker: Would you just let him talk?

[Church tells about Sidewinder via flashback]

Church: Alright, well... one day when I was there, everything was just like normal. I remember I was out on patrol with my partner Jimmy. That Jimmy was a real good kid. Everybody liked him.

Tucker: Do you think I was a good kid, Church?

Church: Tucker, don't get jealous, man. Just listen to the story, okay? Like I said, guys were hanging around, waitin' for some action, bitchin' about the cold...

Soldier: Man, it's fuckin' cold. I hope we get some action.

Church: Anyway, Jimmy was in the middle of telling me all about this girlfriend he had back home.

Jimmy: Yep, soon as I get back, I'm gonna get down on one knee and ask her to marry me.

Church: And that's when Tex showed up. Private Mickey was the first to go. He was halfway across the base when all of a sudden, he just started screaming bloody murder.

Mickey: Bloody murder! Bloody murder!

Church: The whole thing was over before it even started. Poor Jimmy was the last one to go. Tex walked up to him, pulled Jimmy's skull right out of his head and beat him to death with it.

Tucker: Wait a second... how do you beat someone to death with their own skull? That doesn't seem physically possible.

Church: That's exactly what Jimmy kept screaming.

Jimmy: This doesn't seem physically possible! Hurrk... Blehhh

[End of flashback]

Church: Bottom line is: these freelancers, they're bad news. And Tex is one of the worst.

Caboose: If he's such a badass, why didn't he kill you?

Church: To tell you, I don't know why I'm not dead. Could have killed me at any point. But maybe it's because Tex and I have run into eachother once before.

Tucker: Where?

Church: You, uh... You remember that girl I told you about back home? Well, let's just say that Tex is the real reason why we never got married. [starts to fade away] Guys, I'm fading fast and I don't know when I'll be back. Just listen to my warning. Don't let Tex get involved here.

Tucker: Okay.

Church: I mean it, Tucker. No fighting, no scouting, nothing! You'll regret it. [fades away completely]

Tucker: So! Tex and Church were after the same girl.

Caboose: I told you his girlfriend was a slut!

[Camera pans and Tex appears]

Knock Knock. Who's there? Pain. (Episode 11)

Grif: ...and then I thought, you know, we could sneak around the side while they were hiding behind the rock but uh... that's when the tank showed up and uh... shit just started blowing up, I don't know.

Sarge: [sighs] Grif, do you have any godly idea how much this piece of equipment costs?

Grif: I... I don't know... Like ten... Ten-twenty? Twenty-five bucks? ... You're gonna kill me now, aren't you?

Sarge: Tell you what, Grif. I'm a fair man. I'll give you a 10 second head-start before I let Lopez do anything he wants to you.

Grif: Guys, I just want you to know, I'm really, really sorry about-

Sarge: 5 mississippi, 6 mississippi.

Grif: Okay, I guess I'd better get going.

[Sarge and Lopez look at each other, then start shooting at Grif]

Grif: Hey guys! Not funny, somebody could get hurt here!

—

[Tucker is standing with Tex, while Tex fires at a target off screen]

Tucker: That's basically it sir. They have five guys over there and a big jeep.

Tex: [Speaks through a voice filter] And your flag. [reloads gun]

Tucker:...Right. That too.

[Tex throws plasma grenade]

Tucker: Hey, Tex? I don't know what it's been like at your other bases, but we try to not use other soldiers as target practice here.

[Caboose is standing in front of a rock full of bullet blasts]

Caboose: I'm scared...

Tucker: [talking to Tex but Tex is not listening] So you've got the special forces black armor I see... Were you in the special forces at some point? [Tex reloads some more] Yeah, I used to have black armour too. It was black because I got this stuff all over it from th- [Tex leaves] Okay, you gotta go? I'll see you later.

Caboose: [whispers] I don't think he likes you.

[Tex runs outside red base cloaked]

Simmons: Did you hear that?

Grif: Yeah.

Donut: [whispers] Hey, what's going on?

[Tex sticks Donut with a plasma grenade]

Grif: What the fuck?

Donut: What?

Simmons: What is that thing?

Donut: What thing?

Grif: There's something on your head.

Donut: What, is it a spider? Get it off!

Simmons: No, it's not a spider. It's like a blue thing...

Donut: What, like a blue spider? Get it off!!

Grif: It's not a spider! Now calm down! It's some kind of fuzzy, pulsating thing...

Donut: That doesn't sound much better than a spider!

Simmons: Does it hurt?

Donut: No.

Simmons: Maybe we should try to take it off.

Grif: Good idea. Go for it.

Simmons: Me? By "we", I mean you, asshole.

Donut: Well, someone needs to get it off. It might be dangerous.

[The plasma grenade explodes]

Grif and Simmons: SON OF A BITCH!

Down, But Not Out (Episode 12)

Caboose: [Watching Tex through a sniper rifle] Man, he's really kicking their asses.

Tucker: How come I never get the fucking sniper rifle?

Caboose: I'm really glad Tex is on our team and not theirs.

Tucker: Sure makes things a lot easier on us.

Caboose: Yeah... I think switching Tex for Church was a good trade.

Tucker: It definitely seems like your killing Church is working out for us.

Caboose: You think so, I was gonna say something but uh, but you know.

Tucker: Did Tex get into the base?

[Tex enters the reds base]

Caboose:Yeah.

Church:Blue team flag returned.

Tucker:What the?! Who said that?

Church:[clears voice] Sorry that was me. I uh, I guess I had something stuck in my throat. Your flag is back by the way.

Caboose:Hey, its Church!

Church:Yeah, its me, hey Caboose.

Caboose:Hey Church, what are you up to?

Church:Caboose, hehe, I'm not really hear to make small talk, ok, how did you guys manage to get your flag back?

Tucker:W-What, oh, that flag? We've always had that.

Church:Tucker, who do think your trying to fool...hey wait a second, where's Tex?

Tucker:Um, I'm not really sure he said was going to the store, uh something about elbow grease.

Church:Oh great, this is so typical! What was the one thing I told you guys the last time I appeared?

Caboose:That sidewinder is cold!

Church:argh, what was the other one thing I told you.

Tucker:Not to let him get involved?

Church:Right, and what did you do?

Tucker:We let him get involved.

Church:And not just a little involved, how involved?

Caboose:Very, very involved.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Sarge:Freeze.

[Lopez enters base]

Sarge:Drop your weapons.

Tex:Hey buddy.

Sarge:What?

Tex:You really better hope the first one knocks me out.

[Sarge knocks out Tex]

Grif:Ow, what the? Frickin head, Jesus.

Simmons:He's hurt Grif, but he'll make, but we'll need to get him some help, fast.

Grif:Yeah, yeah, hold on a second, what happened here? First Donuts head exploded and then you fainted, and then some black thing showed up-

Simmons:[Simmons interrupts Grif] Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, I did not faint, something knocked me out.

Grif:Ok fine, just keep lying to yourself, whatever helps you sleep at night.

Simmons:Man, just go find Sarge, we need to get Donut out of here.

Grif:[Sarcastically] Yeah sure, oh and uh, I'm fine by the way, thanks for asking.

Simmons: Whatever no one likes you anyway.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

[Caboose watches Grif go into the base]

Caboose:Yep, he's definitely captured....We're dead......Captured or dead [sigh]....Or captured and dead!

Church:Well, that's just perfect!

Tucker:What?! What is your problem?! Why do you even care if he's captured, I thought you hated that guy for stealing your girlfriend?

Church:I never said I hated Tex. I just said she was the reason we never got married.

Caboose:She?

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Simmons:Sarge, we need to get Donut airlifted outta here.

Sarge:Can you put that in a memo and title it, "SHIT I ALREADY KNOW", get on the horn command! Well, look who's up, rise and shine buttercup!

Tex:[Voice filter broken] Oh great, you broke my voice filter, you cockbitting-fucktards!

Grif:Ah ha! I knew it, only a chick could give me a headache this big!

Human Peer Bonding (Episode 13)

Tucker: Let me get this straight... you're telling me that the guy that showed up here, scared the living shit out of us, shot at Caboose and beat the hell out of the reds wasn't a guy at all? That he was a chick? And on top of that, she was your ex-girlfriend?

Church: In a nutshell, yes. That's an excellent summary.

Caboose: I should have known... She didn't like me... Girls, never, like me.

Tucker: Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you.

Caboose: (Dejectedly) I like me...

Tucker: I don't think I've ever seen a girl that mean before . . . are you sure she's a chick? And not a guy? Or like part guy, part shark?

Church: I'm pretty sure I would know if Tex was a guy. And I'd definitely know if she was part shark.

Church: But you can't blame her for being so aggressive. It's not entirely her fault to begin with.

Tucker: Right, you should blame God. First he makes hangovers, and now half-women, half-sharks that won't even sleep with me. Thanks for nothing, God!

Church: Will you shut up with that? She got recruited in to some kind of weird experimental program back during basic where they infused her armor with this really aggressive A.I. I'm not really sure how it all works, but all I know is it made her meaner and tougher than hell.

Caboose: A.I. What's the A stand for?

Church: Artificial

Caboose: What's the...

Church: (Interrupting Caboose) Intelligence

Caboose: Ohhhhhh, what was the A again?

Church: Let's move on.

Tucker: So, the military put this program in her head, and that program made her a killer. But underneath it all she's really just a sweet, down-home girl?

Church: Oh hell no. She's always been a rotten bitch, it's just now she's a rotten bitch with cybernetic enhancements.

Tucker: Wow. Sounds like you really won the lottery with that one. Good catch there buddy, she's a keeper.

Church: So how're you doing, Caboose? Are you following any of this whatsoever?

Caboose: I think so... That guy Tex is really a robot, and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you... a gay robot.

Church: Yeah... that's right... I'm a gay robot.

Grif: So, you're a girl, huh?

[Tex just stares silently at Grif]

Simmons: Just ignore him, that's what I do.

Grif: Not so tough now that we unloaded your weapon, are ya?

Tex: Hey punk, I don't need a weapon to kill you.

Grif: Yeah right. What are you gonna do, punch me?

[Tex moves forward, making Grif flinch.]

Grif: Ahhhh! Not in the face!

Roomier Than It Looks (Episode 14)

(Tucker leaps through the teleporter, covered in black stuff, where Church is waiting)

Church: Are you okay, Tucker?

Tucker: Yeah, I'm fine. (turns back to their base) Come on, Caboose!

Caboose: Does it hurt?

Tucker: No, not at all!

Caboose: Okay, here I come! (runs into teleport)

Church: Does it hurt for real?

Tucker: Oh yes, big time.

Caboose: (as he emerges from the teleport) OOWWWWWWWJEEZ!! (turns to Tucker) You lied to me.

Simmons: There's no L in it, it's pronounced 'both.'

Grif: That's what I'm saying, bolth.

Simmons: Both.

Grif: You sound like an ass the way you say it.

Sarge: Grif, quicher yammerin' and get your keester up here. Need some help, got some more of dem spec ops fellas headed toward the base.

Grif: As in, more than one? Uh, maybe we should bolth go, sir.

Simmons: BOTH!

Grif: Seriously dude, like an ass.

Sarge: Well, well. Another brilliant idea from the think tank! Why don't you both come up, leave the prisoner alone? We could just put her on the honour system, have her guard herself.

Grif: Good point, sir.

Sarge: YOU'RE GOD DAMN RIGHT IT IS! Now get your ass up here. We've got just enough time for me to spray paint the bullseye on your back. Ah, by bullseye I of course mean camoflage. Now move it cupcake.

Tucker: (Over Church's radio, fighting with Caboose) I'm not yelling. I'm just telling you to let me finish talking to Church! No! I'll tell him you said "hi" later. No, you can't talk to him! How could you possibly talk to him on my headset?

Church: [Radio clicks] Oh my God... I can't believe I actually died for this war.

Sarge: They're definitely special-ops. I haven't seen troop movements this coordinated since my days on Sidewi- [Sarge gets possessed by Church] Wakeegeeheerager!

Grif: Sir, are you OK?

Church/Sarge: Uhh... who ya talking to red? Me?

Grif: No, I'm talking to Lopez, because, you know, that's real rewarding [Lopez swipes at Grif] Hey, what'd I tell you about that?

Church/Sarge: I..uh..I'm fine! That's...I'm just so mad about, these..uh..goddamn blues out here! They got me so goddamn mad, I could spit! [Church(Sarge) spits in his helmet]

Grif: Um...sir? Did you just spit inside your own helmet?

Church/Sarge: Uh...yeah. I guess did.

Grif: Permission to speak freely sir?

Church/Sarge: Go ahead.

Grif: That's really fucking gross.

Church/Sarge: Hey man, what's up, yo?

Simmons: Um, hey. What's going on out there, sir?

Church/Sarge: What, uh, why, nothing. Why would you ask if something's wrong?

Simmons: I think that's a perfectly normal question in a time of war.

Church/Sarge: Yeah well, I don't know. You're startin' to act kinda suspicious there... other red guy, so I'm keeping my eye on you.

Simmons: Sarge, I'm starting to think tha- [Church huts Simmons in the back of the head ] OWWW! Jeez, the back of my head.

Tex: What the hell are you doing?!

Church (in Sarge's Body): Tex, it's me, Church. I'm here to rescue you.

Tex: You're a little short to be Church.

Church: What? Oh yeah, right the armor. [Church leaves Sarge's body]

Sarge: What in Sam hell? Where the... who spat on my visor?

Church: Tex, there's not much time to explain, so I'm just gonna give you the summary here, okay? I'm a spirit now and I'm trapped in the physical world. I possessed this red guy so that I can sneak into the base and rescue you while the rest of our guys run around in the middle of the canyon, covered in black stuff that they got from going through the teleporter.

Tex: Okay.

Church: What? That's it? Okay? You're not surprised by any of this?

Tex: Nope, it pretty much all makes sense.

Church: Not even the whole 'Church is a ghost' thing? That didn't do anything for ya?

Tex: I can see through you, it's pretty obvious.

Church: Okay, well let me pop back into this guy and we'll get out of here.

[Church re-enters Sarge's body]

[Church has broken Tex out of the brig]

Church: Alright, I'll make one more distraction, and then you run up to the teleporter and escape. Ready? One...two...thr- [Caboose fires the sniper rifle, killing Sarge] What the... where did my body go?! Oh you've gotta be kidding me! [Looks around]

Caboose: Tucker did it!

How the other half live (Episode 15)

[Just before Sarge returns to the real world from the afterlife]:

Sarge: Will I remember any of this?

Church: Yes, but only if you give me two dollars!

A Slightly Crueler Cruller (Episode 16)

[Episode starts at Red Base with Donut meeting Simmons and Grif, in a new suit of armour]

Donut: Dude, this is sweet! Command was so happy that I got the Blue flag, they gave me my own color armor!

Grif: ...Uh, hey Donut?

Donut: What?

Simmons: Uh, about your armor...

Donut: What about it?

Simmons: How do I put this? Your armor is, um... It's a little, um... Grif, you wanna help me out here?

Grif: It's pink! Your armor is freakin' pink!

...

Simmons: How'd he get pink armor,anyway?

Grif: Don't ask, don't tell...

Donut: Look at it, it's not pink. It's like, uhhh, a lightish-red.

Grif: Guess what? They already have a color for lightish-red. You know what it's called? Pink!

Donut: I hate you guys...

Sarge: Command was fresh out of speech modules when I started building Lopez, but once I get this baby installed, I'll finally have someone intelligent to talk to! No offense, Simmons.

Simmons: Oh, don't worry, I know who you meant, sir.

Grif: Wait a second, Lopez is a robot?

Simmons: Of course he is! You didn't notice that he never talks?

Grif: I just thought he was a real quiet guy.

Sarge: And the fact that he sleeps standing up and drinks motor oil didn't get your attention?

Grif: W-well, I did think the motor oil was a bit odd. I just thought he was trying to impress me.

Points of origin (Episode 17)

Tex: As far as I'm concerned, I'm square with you.

Church: I saved you from a life of imprisonment. How the hell are you square with me?

Tex: Because I didn't kill you back at Sidewinder.

Church: You know, I don't really see how not killing somebody is the same thing as doing them a favor.

Tex: Well, if you don't appreciate it, I could just kill you right now.

Church: [before Caboose and Tucker can turn to him] No you can't, I'm already dead, bitch! I guess the joke's on you!

Tucker: So since you're helping us, I guess you're not so mean after all.

Tex: I wouldn't say I'm mean, I just get paid to do mean things.

Tucker: Yeah but you like it.

Tex: Well, I think it's important to enjoy what you do.

Tucker: So let's say I paid you to kill Caboose. [Caboose was told to watch "the base" in case the Reds see them, but he is watching Blue base.] You would still do it, right? Even though you're supposed to be helping us?

Tex: Is this a hypothetical discussion, or should we start talking numbers?

Tucker: Yeah, I don't wanna talk about this any more.

SPF 0 (Episode 18)

[Around Church's dead body, which was never buried]

Church: Tucker, the first chance we get, you are going to bury my body.

Tucker: Quit your bitching, nothing's going to happen to it.

Church: It's a freaking indignity! My body fought hard for this army, and it deserves to be laid to rest.

Tucker: Get over it, you're already dead. What's the worst that could happen now?

Caboose: Hey Church, Look! Birds! ...Why are they flying around in circles?

[Caboose spies Donut through the rifle scope and believes that he is a girl]

Tucker: Aw man, how come they get a girl?!

Tex: [from ground level] Uh, you guys realize that I'm a chick, right? And that I'm standin'... right here?

Tucker: Yeah Tex, but when we say a girl, we mean a girl girl.

Tex: And what the hell does that mean?

Caboose and Tucker: ...Nothing! [both quickly back up from the ledge]

Last one out, hit the lights (Episode 19)

Simmons: You ever wonder why we're here?

Grif: [Pause] No. I never, ever wonder why we're here. Semper Fi, bitch.

Church/Lopez: Ay, muchachos, necesite darle... un aviso... ¿Qué? ¿Por qué estoy hablando español? ¡Yo no puedo hablar español! [Translated: Guys, I need to give... you a... warning. What? Why am I speaking Spanish? I don't know Spanish!]

Simmons: Um... sure.

Church/Lopez: ¡No, no, escúchame! ¡La bruja te va a matar! ¡Ella está trabajando en la tanque! [Translated: No, listen to me! The bitch is going to kill you! She is working in the tank!]

Tucker: Oh Crap! Caboose, she's almost done fixing Sheila. I'd better radio Church and tell him what's going on.

Caboose: Oh! Oh! Oh! Tucker, please! Please! Tucker! Tucker! Tucker! Tucker! Please!

Tucker: Yes... You can be the one who radios Church.

Caboose: Thanks man. [Activating radio] Calling Church. Come in Church. This is your close personal friend, Private O'Malley.

Tucker: O'Malley? You said your name was Caboose!

Caboose: I never said that! You guys did!

Tucker: Why didn't you correct us?

Caboose: Because I didn't want to be difficult. [Radios Church] Come in, Private Church. Do you copy? Soldier unit Tex almost has the armour vehicle situation rectified. Okay. We require verification of your... mission...ness. [clears throat] How is your progression?

Church/Lopez: ¡Caboose! ¡Nadie aquí está escuchándome! ¡No mas Puedo hablar español! [Translated as: Caboose! No one here is listening to me! I can only speak Spanish for some reason!]

Caboose: [Turns to Tucker] ... He says he wants to talk to you.

Church/Lopez: ¡Un tanque... grrrande!

Grif: Hey, I think that if you are going to live in this country, you should speak the language.

Simmons: What country? We're on an alien planet.

Grif: What are you, a communist?

Grif: [surprised by nearby explosion] Son of a bitch!

Simmons: Son of a bitch!

Church/Lopez: Madre de Dios! [Translated as 'Mother of God']

Grif: Wow. Back so soon? You guys win the war already?

Simmons: Yeah, uh, do you want to finish telling me the plan now, Sarge?

Sarge: If we survive this, I'm gonna kill both of ya. Slowly.

Donut: Hell yeah! Three points, ya dirty whore! [Tex explodes]

Church/ Lopez: Dios Mio NO! [Church runs off to go save Tex]

Grif: Uh, where's Lopez going?

Sarge: To fight the enemy head on. In hand to hand combat, mano a mano. What a brave little conpadray. Lopez, I never understood a word you said, but I do know one thing. You hated Grif, and that's the most important thing there is. Adios amigo, adios.

Simmons: Shouldn't we help him?

Sarge: Nah, that would just ruin the moment.

Season 2

Everything old is new again (Episode 20)

Tucker: Hey Church, we have a problem.

Church: I am not your mother, so don't come tattling to me every time one of you does something that the other one doesn't like!

Tucker: I'm telling you, he's crazy. He keeps threatening me and talking in a scary voice.

Caboose: No I didn't.

Tucker: Oh, so you're saying you didn't threaten to cut off my head and give it to Church as a birthday present?

Caboose: You know, I think you're taking my words a little out of context.

Tucker: What, what context?!

Church: Listen guys, this competition thing has got to stop, okay ? I thought we'd established by now-

Doc: Excuse me?

Church: Hey pal, one second, okay? I'm in the middle of something here. Look, I thought we'd established by now- I don’t like either of you, okay? So competing for my attention is not gonna do you any good.

Doc: Excuse me.

Church: Okay. Yes. Hello. Who are you?

Caboose: [Scary Voice] Don’t. Ever. Be. Alone.

Tucker: ...he’s doing that thing again!

Doc: My name is... DuFresne. Are you Private Tucker?

Church: No I'm not Private Tucker, my name is Church. [Turning towards Tucker] This is Private Tucker.

Tucker: Yo!

Church: And our friend over there in regulation blue, that's Caboose. Or... O'Malley or whatever the hell he's calling himself.

Caboose: Why does he always introduce me second?

Tucker: Because he hates you.

Doc: I received your call for a medic.

Caboose: Medic? That was like three months ago...

Church: Yeah what'd you do? Crawl all the way here?

Doc: I came here as quickly as I could. Where is the patient?

Church: Well, about fifty yards behind you, and six feet straight down.

Doc: Oh... I'm sorry about your loss...

Church: What? Oh yeah. Yeah... Thanks man... That was tough but what anybody can do...

Caboose: We didn't like her very much... [Whispering] She was mean to other people.

Doc: And who's in the other grave.

Church: That's eh... That's me! I'm in that grave.

Doc: Ahem... Of course!

Caboose: See, uh, he got killed by this, uh... crazy runaway tank-

Tucker: [Interrupting] Or by the idiot driving it.

Caboose: Oh yeah, and then he became, uh, this really mean ghost, and uh, took over a Mexican robot's body. Oh, and then we had to (that's right) spray-paint him (to make him blue), and now he is alive again, and he is a bionic man. Who... is blue.

Doc: I'm a pacifist.

Caboose: You're a thing that babies suck on...

Tucker: No, dude, that's a pedophile.

Church: Tucker, I think he means a pacifier.

Tucker: Oh yeah, right. Man I was... totally thinking 'bout somethin' else.

Church: That’s real classy, Tucker.

Doc: No, I’m just going to check your vitals.

Caboose: I bet I have better vitals than you.

Tucker: ...

Church: ...

Caboose: What’s a vital?

Motion to adjourn (Episode 21)

Church: Okay, Tucker, I need you to get up there, help Caboose shore up a defense, establish a suppressing fire, and hold that position until further notice.

Tucker: I didn’t even know what half of that meant.

Church: Just go over to Caboose’s rock, and fire your gun a bunch.

Tucker: That rock? Yeah, I don’t think so.

Church: We do not. Have time. To discuss this.

Tucker: Sure, no time for you to discuss it! You get to hang out here with Nancy-no-bullets just shootin' the breeze! Meanwhile, I’m out there, running around, eating a machine-gun sandwich.

Church: Tucker, we’re going to give you covering fire!

Tucker: Covering fire? Unless that means you’re going to build a huge, bulletproof wall between me and them, I think you need to come up with a new plan. Preferably one that involves me keeping the same quantity of blood that I have right now.

Church: No problem. Oh, wait, wait, does the blood have to be in your body?

[Transition to the Reds]

Grif: (shaking from constant weapon recoil) Simmons, I can't feel my hands!

Simmons: Then maybe you should lay off the trigger dumbass.

[Transition back to the Blues]

Church: Okay, you, Doc. Get over there and help Caboose.

DuFresne: My name isn't Doc. It's DuFresne.

Church: Yeah, I can't pronounce that. So from now on, your name is Doc.

DuFresne: I'm not really comfortable with that. I'm not a doctor; I'm a medic.

Tucker: What's the difference?

DuFresne: Well, a doctor cures people. A medic just makes them more comfortable... while they die.

Tucker: Mental Note: Don't ever get shot.

Church: It's settled then, your name is now Doc.

DuFrense/Doc: Alright, but I don't think it'll stick. (scene pauses, background gets dark; the word "Doc" passes by in big letters)

Tucker: Oh trust us, it'll stick.

Caboose: I can't believe Church shot me!

Church: [Irritated, echoing scream from nearby] Oh don't even start Caboose!

Doc: You have a bullet wound in the foot. Is anything else wrong?

Caboose: Uh… Oh! I got one. Uh, well, sometimes, when I fall asleep at night, I think about my parents having sex, and I get really, really mad for some reason.

[pause]

Doc: Okay; I'm just gonna start with the foot.

Tucker: Why did the reds stop firing?

Church: I don't know, they're probably out of ammo.

Sarge (from a long distance away): Hey blue team, we are giving you a chance to surrender.

Church: Yeah, they're definitely out of ammo.

Red vs. Blue (Episode 22)

[Tucker is coming up with an excuse on why they cannot return Lopez]

Tucker: He was all like 'Sayonara' and he just took off!

Church: That's not Spanish, you idiot. It's French!

Caboose: Rest in peace, pinky toe. [Scary voice] You shall be avenged!

Doc: Can I ask you a question? Did they put something in the water here?

Grif: Water? We ran outta water six months ago.

Doc: No water, then what do you drink?

Grif: Uh, you know, ketchup, uh, soy sauce, gravy, the usual.

Sarge: I only drink the blood of my enemies. And occasionally a strawberry yoo-hoo. Or a sasparilla. Grenadine, straight from the can. Deeelicious. Occasionally I do enjoy a sex on the beach, or a pina colada. [Singing] If you like pina coladas... and gettin caught in the rain... if you're not into yoga... Grif just has half a brain.

[Grif is forced to say this after the blues requested reds to admit that they suck]

Grif: I would just like to let everyone know that I suck...

Church: And?

Grif: And that I'm a girl...

Church: What else?

Grif: ... and I like ribbons in my hair ... and I want to kiss all the boys...

Sarge: This may be the best surrender of all time.

The joy of toggling (Episode 23)

[Sarge berates Grif for chatting with Doc]

Grif: Come on, Sarge, he doesn't even have a gun.

Simmons: Oh, well, you two will be great friends, then. He doesn't have a gun, and you didn't bring any ammo!

Grif: Hey, thanks, kiss-ass! If I wanna take guarding tips from the guy that lost our last prisoner, I'll be sure to ask you!

Donut [to Simmons]: Oh, man, that is a burn! Dude, you just got burned! Burned, dude, burned!

Simmons: Oh shut up. Your armour's pink.

[Zooms over to blue base where Church and Tucker are chatting]

Tucker: Hey Church, if your body is the red team's old droid, and droids usually fix stuff, can't you just activate your repair sequence and fix Sheila?

Church: Huh... well, yeah, it's worth a shot, I guess. *Ahem* All right, stand back. [Church starts grunting for six seconds]

Tucker: Anything?

Church: Yeah, it's not as easy as you'd think it'd be.

Tucker: Maybe there's a button on you somewhere.

Church: See what you can find. I'll keep trying from in here. [Begins grunting again] Oh, hey.

Tucker: Found it?

Church: Nah, no, wait. All I found was the time and temperature function. It is currently 26 degrees, by the way.

Tucker: What? It's not 26 degrees out here, that's freezing.

Church: Celsius, Tucker.

Tucker: Come on dude, Celsius sucks. [Tucker bends down to only find a switch in Church's crotch] Hey, I found something.

Church: Oh yeah, you found a button?

Tucker: No dude, it's more like a...switch.

Church: Well, give it a flip. [Tucker stand up to face Church]

Tucker: I don't wanna flip it.

Church: What's the problem?

Tucker: It's in a weird place.

Church: Oh, you gotta be kidding me!

Tucker: You flip it!

Church: These arms aren't that flexible. I can't even reach down there.

Tucker: What about Caboose?

Church: Aw man, he's so stupid. I don't even know if he knows how to operate a switch.

Tucker: Aw man.

Church: Tucker, come on! We'll laugh about it later. I'll buy you dinner. [Tucker bends down to flip the switch but comes back up, unsuccessful]

Tucker: It won't move. Its stuck.

Church: Did you try wiggling it?

Tucker: No way, I'm not wiggling your dongle.

Church: Oh stop being a baby. Just wiggle it. [Tucker bend down to wiggle the switch as five seconds flow by in silence]

Church: Ssssoooo, you from around here baby? [Tucker shoots back up]

Tucker: Okay look, if you want me to do this, you can't talk.

Church: Alright, alright, I'm sorry. I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding.

Tucker: I wish Tex was here. She wouldn't have any problem flipping it.

Church: You obviously did not know Tex that well.

Tucker: There, got it. Feel any different?

Church: No, what?! Hey that's odd. Can you hear something beeping?

Sweet ride (Episode 24)

(They're talking about the noise that Church is hearing.)

Church: There, you hear that?

Tucker: Is it like a screaming, high-pitched whistling noise followed by a series of random clicks?

Church: No, it's just like this constant beep, beep, beep noise.

Tucker: Oh... then no, I don't hear anything.

Church: Whoa wait, do you actually HEAR a series of whistling noises followed by some random clicks?

Tucker: No, I'm just trying to be helpful.

Church: Yeah, well, you're failing.

Caboose: Oh, I hear that voice telling us to kill all of our friends before they have a chance to kill us. (Church and Tucker stare at Caboose)

Caboose: What? You guys don't hear that?

(The Jeep activates and runs into Doc causing him to land in the Jeep while driving away)

Donut: Hey, he's taking the Jeep!

Doc: HELP, the Jeep is kidnapping me!

Donut: Now he's taunting us. This is just embarrassing.

[The Blues activate the tagetting system on the jeep]

Jeep: Aqquire Target..Red.

Grif: Uh Sarge... you may want to start running... now.

[The rest of the team except Sarge starts running backwards towards the base]

Sarge: Ahhhhhh.......Fudgebumbs

[Sarge is pinned to the base wall by the jeep as the jeep's machine gun begins firing closer and closer to his head.]

Sarge: What a way to go. Killed by my own mechanical creations. I'm sure there's a philosophical lesson to be learned from all this.

Simmons: Something about the dangers of technology and the unwavering pride of mankind?

Sarge: No, something about hiring better help that doesn't just stand around watching you die!

Last words (Episode 25)

Sarge: Ow! There goes my last kidney! I was saving that for a special occasion.

[Caboose sees Reds approaching behind Tucker and Church]

Caboose: Uh… Church? I think that you should know that the Reds are—

Church [interrupting]: Dammit, Caboose! In the short time I've known you, you've managed to call my girlfriend a slut, blow me up with a tank, shoot me in the head, and now paralyze me from the waist down! So I hope it's not too much for me to ask, just for once, if you'd shut your fuckin' mouth!

Simmons: Hey Blues, we're here to — what the hell are you guys doing?

Nobody likes you (Episode 26)

[As Doc approaches the Blue base, apparently part of a Red plan]

Caboose: [looking through the sniper scope] Oh, Church, Church. Okay, I-I see something. [through the scope, we see Grif and Simmons leaving Doc to look around in confusion] Okay, the two red ones are walking away, uh but the purple one is... [Scary voice] I think he's going to attack.

Church: Purple? Oh wait, the purple guy is that worthless medic.

Tucker: He's not gonna attack, he's a pussy-fest.

Church: Pacifist.

Tucker: Ah, whatever, let's tie him up and roll him through the teleporter.

Church: Wait a second, wait a second, think about this for a minute. Why would the reds leave him out there by himself? This has to be some kinda trick.

Caboose: I'll bet they've used some kind of... brainwashing technique on him! They're-they're probably planning to have him do all their dirty plans! And also the schemes!

Tucker: Caboose, that is ridiculous.

Caboose: {stares at Tucker through the scope] Is it? Or is it so ridiculous, it's the most ridiculously perfect idea that you never thought of?

Tucker: No, just the regular kind of ridiculous.

Caboose: I knew it. We're all gonna die. [Points sniper rifle at Tucker's head] [Scary voice] Starting with you.

Nine-tenths of the law (Episode 27)

[Tucker has punched Church to ensure that he was not dreaming]

Church: Tucker, when you think you're dreaming, you don't punch somebody else. You get somebody else to pinch you.

Tucker: Dude, it doesn't matter what kind of dream I'm having, I am not going to ask you to pinch me.

In stereo where available (Episode 28)

Church [after Tucker throws a grenade through the teleporter]: Cough, cough, what the he-cough? Who tried to blow me up with a grenade? And why am I coughing? I don't have lungs.

Simmons: Hey Sarge, hold on a sec. Did you see something weird, Sarge?

Sarge: Yes I did. Once when I was a small child, I saw a man who claimed to be my uncle do this thing with a garden hose that still haunts me to this—

Simmons: Whoa, whoa. I mean did you see something weird just now? Like 5 seconds ago.

Sarge: Oh, ... then no.

Simmons: What was all that stuff about your uncle?

Sarge: I keep telling everyone he wasn't my uncle! He wasn't!

Simmons: You wanna talk about it?

Radar love (Episode 29)

Church: [talking to Lopez] Alright, that's the deal Mr. Robot. You fix our tank, we let you go free.

Caboose: I thought the plan was to trick him into fixing the tank, and then Church will take over his body again when he is done.

Tucker: Yeah, but you don't tell the person you are tricking what's going on, Caboose.

Caboose: So, if I'm the one being tricked, then you will not tell me what is really going ON?

Tucker: Why would we trick you?

Caboose: Oh. [Pause] I think you know.

Grif: [looking through the sniper scope while standing on the upturned Warthog] Aw, crap. Hey, they got a guy fixing their tank.

Sarge: Impossible! Our intelligence clearly states that-

Donut: [interrupting] We have intelligence?!

Sarge: That the only soldiers in this canyon with mechanical training are that dead freelancer and Lopez- oh, wait a minute!

Simmons: Sarge, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Lopez runs away, the jeep starts driving itself and suddenly there's a new guy on the blue team?

Sarge: Yes, Simmons I am. Why, obviously the blue team has constructed some kinda diabolical mind-control ray beam that they used on Lopez and now he has to do their evil blue bidding.

Grif: [jumping down from the jeep] Or, since he's a robot, maybe they just reprogrammed him.

Donut: Or maybe that blue guy who got killed by the tank has come back as a ghost and now he's possessing Lopez's body. That could also explain why Sarge went nuts when we had the prisoner, the blue ghost probably possessed him too. And the jeep going nuts was probably a weird set of coincidences while the guy learned how to use Lopez's body.

[Pause]

Simmons: I think I like the ray beam idea better.

Grif: Yeah, rookie. Your idea sounds a little dumb.

Caboose: Hurry, hurry, hurry, fix the tank! So that I can say hello to Shiela... [Scary voice] and start killing everyone!

Tucker: You mean all the Reds?

Caboose: Of course... [Scary voice] for starters!

Sheila: Thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank.

Caboose: Sheila! You're fixed! You're fixed!

Sheila: Hello Private Caboose. It is good to see you again. Thank you for repairing me.

Tucker: He didn't fix you, a robot did it.

Caboose: Don't cock-block me!

[Church enters Lopez's body]

Lopez: No! Heauegerkergerk!

Tucker: Hey Church, you okay in there? Church. Do I need to flip your switch? [Church reappears in the back round as in his ghost form]

Church: What the?! That wasn't me! What the hell is going on here?! [Lopez turns towards the Blues]

Tex: Well, buenos días cock bites. Guess who's back?

I dream of Meanie (Episode 30)

Church: [Ghost Version] Get out of my body, Right NOW Tex!

Tex: [Inside Lopez's Body] This isn't your body. I stole it!

Church: Yeah, but I stole it first!

Sheila: I am confused. I thought your name was Lopez. And I thought you were a man. This is all so strange. I feel like my circuits are crossed. And I like it.

Church: Tucker, there's a very fine line between not listening, and not caring. I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life.

Tex: Well, ever since I've been a ghost, I've been watching you guys A LOT.

Tucker: Whoa, when you say you've been watching us, does that mean you've been watching us all the time. [Tucker faces a rock what says on the back of it "KEEP OUT! TUCKER'S ROCK!"] Like even when we're alone?

Tex: Yes Tucker. And you should be VERY ashamed of yourself.

Tucker: [Tucker faces the ground] It's very lonely out here.

Room for rent (Episode 31)

Tucker: Well Tex, that was a great story. I especially like the part where Church got pants'd in High School.

Church: I found that part entirely out of context.

Tucker: But I still don't get how we're suppose to stop the AI.

Tex: I don't remember much from the implantation process. I do remember that can be transmitted from host to host by the helmet radios. Before I learned anything else, the AI took over and we escaped. If we can kill the AI and not give it a place to jump, we'll beat it.

Church: And then I can get my body back. Deal?

Tex: Deal.

Church: Alright, Tex and I will possess Caboose now. Tucker, we need you to work on the reds. Get them to turn off their helmet radios so Omally won't have anywhere to go, once we get him out of there.

Tex: Right.

Tucker: What?! How the hell am I going to do that?!

Church: I don't know. Come up with a plan.

Tucker: Come on. You know how I feel about plans.

Tex: You're not going to have much time when we get in there, so move fast.

Tucker: Oh, I see. You have no idea of what I should do, or how I should do it, but what ever I do, I should do it fast?

Church: Yeah, that's right.

Tex: Yep.

Tucker: Wow. You guys are a lot of help.

Church: Hey Tucker, is that you?

Caboose's mental image of Tucker: No. What, are you stupid? Oh wait, yes, I am me. I guess I'm stupid.

Me, myself and you (Episode 32)

Caboose's mental image of himself: I see. So you're from the outside. That's where the other is from as well.

Church: The other? Wait, you mean O'Malley? Have you seen him?

Caboose's mental image of Church: Of course he's seen him, you idiot! You think Mr. Caboose would miss something like that, you sleazy douchebag fuck?!

Church: Hold on a second. Who the hell are you?

Caboose's mental image of Church: My name is Church, butt-wiping ass-munch!

Church: [To Tex] This guy's kind of an asshole.

Tex: Yeah, we've met.

Caboose's mental image of Church: And I'm Caboose's best friend, so don't get any ideas about kissing up, you lip-lipping fuck-suck!

Church: Okay, there's a lot of stuff in that sentence I didn't like.

Tex: Just play along, Church. We're gonna need this guys if we're gonna find O'Malley.

Caboose's mental image of Tucker: I'm gonna go look for girls.

[Donut, retraces his steps]

Donut: Right. I know it was Tuesday, because that's the day I washed my underwear. And since I don't like to let my armor touch my bare skin, on the account of I chafe really easily, I remember thinkin', [turns towards the Warthog] "Where can I hang out with no pants on?"

Grif: [horrified] Oh God.

Grif: I can not take any more of this.

Donut: So after I clipped my toenails, I was gonna apply the ointment as recommended, but I don't know. It just smelled really funny. So, I decided to taste it, just to make sure it was safe.

Grif: That's it. I'm committing suicide. [Walks away]

Donut: Hey! I didn't finish retracing my steps yet. You don't even know what I did about the boil on my thigh.

[Tucker is riding in Sheila, trying to get her to stop]

Tucker: Oh my God. I can't believe Caboose is smart enough to drive this thing and I'm not. Sheila, how the fuck do I slow you down?

Sheila: Retard, the throttle.

Tucker: What throttle? This throttle?

Sheila: Retard, the controller.

Tucker: You mean this thing? What are you talking about? I'm so confused.

Sheila: The controller, retard.

Tucker: Hey, that's kind of insulting.

Sheila: Retard. Retard. Retard.

Tucker: Oh, come on, now you're just being mean.

Sheila: Retard. Retard. Retard. Retard. [short pause]Retard.

An audience of dumb (Episode 33)

Tucker: Okay Lopez, get inside Sheila and do your business.

Sheila: What?!

Lopez: Estoy consiguiendo muy sudoroso. (Translated: I'm getting very sweaty!)

Tucker: Oh my God. Remind me to hose you two off when we get back to base.

—

Sarge:[commenting on Lopez's singing] Whats on the radio now? It sounds like the feral cry of a retarded mexican sasquach!

Simmons: TURN IT OFF!! TURN IT OFF!! PLEASE GOD MAKE IT STOP!!!

Donut: Aw man, this rules! RULES!

—

[Inside Caboose's mind, Church talks to Caboose's mental image of Church, Leonard]

Church: You're not Caboose's best friend, okay? You don't have a best friend. You know why? You don't need one! You're Church! Knowing other people just waters down the experience! Live the dream, buddy!

[confronting O'Malley]

Church: Alright, O'Malley, this is it. From now on, if anybody makes my girlfriend cranky and psychotic; it's gonna be me.

Tex: Aww, that's sweet.

Church: Shut up, Bitch.

Tex: Asshole.

Aftermath, before biology (Episode 34)

[Doc has just woken up in Blood Gulch; Vic is heard over the intercom]

Vic: Hello, dude? Come in. Doctor-Dude, are you there? Hello? Paging Doctor-Dude, to the radio, STAT. I need 20 ccs of 'what the hell's going on there', dude.

Doc: Ugh...what happened?

Vic: Hey, you tell me dude. One minute we're talking about a hole in the wall; the next thing I know, you turn into Grumps McGurt. Sounded like you needed a lozenge. Threatened to eat my children... not very cool, dude.

Doc: Jeez, did I really? I'm sorry. Something went wrong with my radio and I heard this weird beeping, honking-

Vic: Hey, no offense taken, dude. Don't got any kids anyway.

Doc: What?

Vic: 'Ol Vic's been through the snip-n'-stitch, if you know what I mean.

Doc: I don't wanna hear about that-

Vic: Winky-Blinky the One-Eyed Sergeant's firin' blanks-

Doc: That's weird-

Vic: -if ya get me. It's vayo con dios to the vas deferens.

Doc: Yeah, alright. Enough. I get you.

Vic: I mean a vasectomy, dude.

[Grif learns most of his body parts have been replaced by leftovers]

Grif: [to Sarge] Where did you get the leftovers?

Sarge: Why, from our other subject, of course!

Simmons: Subject my cyborg ass.

Grif: NO WAY.

Simmons: Yeah, I'm real happy about this myself, numb-nuts.

Sarge: Yeap, those too

Grif: Did I get your lips? Because then maybe I'll figure out how to kiss Sarge's ass.

[Doc is trying to explain what he's found to Vic]

Doc: It's like a thing.

Vic: It's like a thing. Okay, dude! Thank you for the update! I'll be sure to alert the Chiefs of Staff!

Doc: I'm just a little dazed. It's a big thing. It- it's purple, it's uh, it's a big purple thing.

Vic: Use your words, dude.

Grif: This doesn't seem physically possible!

Sarge: Nonsense. Modern-day technology makes anything possible! It was as easy as Shake-'N-Bake!

Donut: And I helped!

Sarge: ...actually Donut, I don't really know if snickering in the corner all night like a prepubescent monkey actually qualifies as help...but it sure was entertaining.

What's mine is yours (Episode 35)

Tucker: Man Caboose, you were asleep for a long time. What were you dreaming about?

Caboose: Ohhhh nothing. I do not like to dream. I try not to think while I am sleeping.

Tucker: That's pretty much how you function while you're awake too.

Caboose: I think consistency is important.

Church: [In ghost form] Well you look okay, then again that's just the armor. How do you feel?

Caboose: Great! [Short pause] Who are you?

Church: Oh come on, not this again! How can you seriously not remember me?!

Caboose: Oh of course! I remember you. [Shorter pause] You're Marvin!

Church: [Slowly] I'm Church.

Caboose: I think I would remember a name That ridiculous. Nope. You are definitely Phill.

Church: You killed me with the tank.

Caboose: Dave!

Church: You insulted my girlfriend, you called her a cow.

Caboose: Terrence!

Tucker: Dude, he called her a slut.

Caboose: Phineas?

Church: You're whole life is based around pleasing me.

Caboose: Wally.

Church: In fact, I think you're kind of obsessed w-

Caboose: Milo?

Church: -ith being my best friend.

Caboose: [To Tucker] Psst! The new guy is pretty full of himself.

Church: New guy? What the? I'm not the new guy! You're the new guy!

Tucker: I don't know, I kinda like it. I can get used to calling you rookie.

Church: Oh yeah? Could you get used to me beating you to death?

Caboose: [To Tucker again] Psst! What's wrong with the rookie? He seems mad.

Church: Oh son of a bitch.

Caboose: Hooven?

Grif: Donut, there's no way you can jump that high.

Donut: Yes I can. (jumps) (while jumping a second time) Yes I can.

Simmons: What the hell is he doing?

Grif: Losing a bet.

[explosion noise]

Donut: OW! Who left the spleen ball where someone could trip on it? Simmons! I need your ovaries!

[[Grif coughs uncontrolibly]

Simmons: Grif whats wrong? Are my lungs ok? Wait a second, are you smoking inside of your helment again?

Grif: What? No. (Exhales smoke)Oops.

Simmons: I knew this would happen. And how many snack cakes have you had today?

Grif: None.

Simmons:: ...

Grif: Okay five. ...or more. Baker's dozen at most.

Simmons:Do you even know how many there are in a baker's dozen?

Grif: By my count? Forty eight.

Blunderball. (Episode 36)

[O'Malley and Doc are conversing in the cave, à la Gollum/Sméagol]

Doc: You know, I really think we should try a non-violent approach to resolve this.

O'Malley: I agree, except replace the word "non" with "extremely", and after the word "violent", include the phrase "blood explosion extraordinaire"!

O'Malley: I will rip out their guts and feast on their entrails!

Doc: But I'm a vegetarian!

O'Malley: I will devour their hearts and crap out their souls! They will all taste oblivion! Which tastes just like Red Bull... which is disgusting.

Grif: Look, instead of just running straight in to enemy gunfire like we usually do, why don't we try some reconnaissance this time?

Donut: You mean like spy stuff? That would be cool! I could wear, a spy tuxedo...

Sarge: No.

Donut: With a hidden spy camera...

Simmons: No.

Donut: Inside a tiny spy bowtie...

Grif: No.

Donut: Or, I could wear a flower on my lapel...

Sarge: Said no.

Donut: That sprays water in people's faces, oh man...

Simmons: Shut up Donut.

Donut: No- secret spy liquid, hahaha. That would be awesome!

Simmons and Sarge: No!

Grif: Maybe! ...Uh, I mean... noooooo.

Donut: Oh come on, I could be double-O Donut!

Simmons: You mean like Doonut?

Donut: The license to thrill! Or be thrilled!

Sarge: Alright, since you're both so in to the idea, Grif, Donut, you're on recon. Find us a way to break in to their base, and report back on the double.

Grif: Great, more time alone with the idiot.

Donut: Grif, Grif Grif Grif Grif Grif Grif. Let's pretend, we're wearing super-spy jetpacks!

Grif: (sighing) Huhhhhhhg...

Donut: No, no no no, like this- (jetpack whooshing noise) Phschewschhhhhhhhhhhwewwwww...

[continues the sound over the scene change to him and Grif on a cliff, and keeps going]

Grif: Hey, can you not stop that for two seconds?

Donut: Come on agent- (clears throat, resumes in a deeper voice) Come on, Agent Grif. We've got to hurry if we want to save the Princess from the evil goblin.

Grif: What Princess? I thought you were pretending to be in a spy movie?

Donut: Look, my secret spy character gets to marry a beautiful Princess in a castle, alright? Deal with it!

Grif: Donut, can you just go find some higher ground or something?

Donut: But we're on higher ground now.

Grif: Why don't you use your jetpack to go to the highest ground?

Donut: Good idea! I bet the blues won't think of that!

Grif: No, if they were that stupid, we probably would have won by now.

Donut: Secret Agent Donut, to the rescue! Phschewshhhhhhhhhhh... (heads off)

Grif: I could just shoot him. No one would ever have to know. No one.

Dealer incentive (Episode 37)

Donut: Okay, listen closely. Our biggest secrets is Wahigattatawagatagata.

Church possessing Donut: Caboose, it's me Church. I've possessed this guy so we can... whew, hey, this pink armor is kinda' comfortable. Roomie. Sweet. What were you two guys talking about?

Caboose: Oh... nothing.

Church: .... Wanna braid each others hair?

[Reds negotiate with the Blues with Church possessing Donut, posing as a prisoner]:

Sarge: What's this business? The Blues are giving up? I smell a trap. Or rat. Or rat in a trap. Don't accept, Simmons.

Simmons: You can't surrender, Blues! We haven't attacked you! Now go home and wait for us to attack and then you can surrender!

Grif: Wait. If we accept, that means we will have two surrenders and they will have none. That means we WIN!

Simmons: Win what?

Grif: Uh, I don't know. The war... or something, right?

Simmons: You're an idiot.

Church: [shouting to Reds from a distance] In exchange for not killing us, they, them, we, they would like to (Tucker turns to him and stares at him) release the robot guy and me. [pause] The pink guy.

Tucker: Are you becoming retarded?

Simmons: What should we do, sir?

Sarge: I'm torn, between my intense distrust of the blue team, and the need for plans stored in my favourite robotic creation. No offense, Simmons.

Simmons: None taken, sir. You removed the negative emotional center of my brain, and implanted it in Grif.

Grif: [crying] I CAN'T, I JUST CAN'T TAKE THIS, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Church: I don't think they're going for it.

(Tucker gets shot)

Tucker: Oh, MOTHERFUCKER!!

Simmons: OKAY, NOW YOU'RE UNDER ATTACK! GO AND SURRENDER, BITCH!

Sarge: Nice thinking, Simmons.

Grif: [crying] The humanity!

Church: ALRIGHT, THEY SURRENDER!

Tucker: Fuck that. I'm pissed. Let's fight!

K.I.T. B.F.F. (Episode 38)

[Caboose and Donut in Blue base]

Donut: I think this is what they call the calm before the storm?

Caboose: I call it nap time. Which is right before food time. And then comes food-nap time! That is my favorite time of them all!

Caboose: Private Doughnut... That sounds like Private Biscuit!

Donut: Yeah, it kinda' does...

Caboose: Thhhaaattt's far enough, Lieutenant McMuffin.

[The Reds and Blues are getting ready to exchange the prisoners and robots]

Church: Prepare for Operation Circle of Confusion.

Tucker: Uh, Church? It kinda looks more like a triangle from down here.

Church: What?

Tucker: I'm just saying it doesn't look like a circle. It kinda looks more like we're forming a triangle.

Church: Okay, fine. Triangle of Confusion. Rhombus of Terror. Parabola of Mystery. WHO CARES!? Get the goddamn show on the road!

Doc: Sorry about the big explosion

O'Malley: Sorry it wasn't bigger!

[Sarge is presenting 2 new robots made for Blue Team to his teammates]

Sarge: Gentlemen allow me to introduce :Francisco Monteque Zanzibar, and this one over here is Robot #2.

Grif(reffering to Robot #2): Why didn't this one get a fancy name?

Sarge: Let's just say somebody has an overclocked sass-fact chip and rejected all the names I came up with.

Robot #2:*Stick it. You're not my real father.*

Sarge: But that's OK, I mananged to use that to my advantage. I made some special modifications to numero dos. Check it out. Robot #2. Codewooooord: DIRTBAG!

Robot #2: Meep. [hits Grif]

Grif: OW! HEY!

Sarge: Heheh. Pretty nifty, eh?

Simmons: That's awesome, sir! Let me try, let me try! Codeword: DIRTBAG!

Robot #2: Meep. [hits Grif]

Grif: OW! OK fine, two can play this game. Codeword: DIRTBAG.

Robot #2: Meep. [hits Grif]

Grif: Gah! Son of a bitch!

Tucker: Church, the purple guy, he's...

Church: I know, it's O'Malley, he must have gotten into the medic.

Tucker: No...he's an asshole.

Shiela: Help! He took Lopez!

Donut: Wow that guy is fast!

Doc: Thanks! I majored in track in high school; it was the least competitive sport I could find.

Grif: Track sucks.

O'Malley: YOU SUCK!

O'Malley: And now I make my escape with my metallic hostage never to be seen again! Unless I want to be seen. In which case, if I see you before you see me, look out!

[O'Malley has escaped with Lopez and the Reds and Blues find themselves forced to work together]

Grif: So now we're forced to work together. How ironic.

Simmons: No, that's not ironic. Ironic would be if we had to work together to hurt each other.

Donut: No. Ironic would be instead of that guy kidnapping Lopez, Lopez kidnapped him.

Sarge: I think it would be ironic if our guns didn't shoot bullets, but instead squirted a healing salve that cured all wounds.

Caboose: I think it would be ironic if everyone was made of iron.

TWO HOURS LATER

Church: Okay. [slowly] We're all agreed that while the current situation is not totally ironic, the fact that we have to work together is odd in an unexpected way that defies our normal circumstances. Is everybody happy with that?

—

(Church and Grif land in Side Winder when they were separated threw the teloporter.)

Church: Alright, now let's just find... Where is everybody?

Grif: Whoa, where are we? What is this place?

Max Gain: Freeze! Drop your weapon!

Church: Uh oh.

Max Gain: I said freeze, DIRTBAG!

Church: Meep! (Church hits Grif with his gun.)

Grif: Ow! Oh come on!

Season 3

Best Laid Plans (Episode 39)

Tucker: Uuuuugghhh...

Donut: Come on mister Blue guy, you gotta wake up, wake up!

Tucker: It hurts...just let me die.

Donut: You can't die! I'm bored! All these girls wanna talk about is chick stuff, and not the fun chick stuff like ribbons and unicorns.

[Camera goes to a view where Tex is talking to Sheila behind Donut]

Tex: I don't have treads, but I often find them staring at things they really shouldn't be.

[Camera goes back to Donut]

Donut: You see? Boring stuff, like oppression and a hostile work environment!

Tucker: Get Doc, I need Doc.

Donut: I can't, he got possessed by the evil guy and they escaped! He's the one who shot you, don't you remember?

Tucker: I know, I want him to shoot me again.

Donut: Now, now, now. Sounds like someone's got a case of the poor me's. If you were gonna die, you would have done it by now! Maybe you just need to realize you're gonna to have to live with intense pain.

Tucker: Get that Sarge guy. Have him make me a new body.

Donut: Ugh, we can't. We're out of parts because we overused that joke, and Sarge left with the others to go chase Doc. But don't you worry, they left a long time ago, so I'm sure they'll be back any minute. Simmons had a foolproof plan to catch 'em.

[Camera goes to Simmons in Chiron TL34]

Simmons: Hello? Hello? Is anybody here? Just great, I guess we all got separated in the teleporter.

[Simmons turns on radio]

Simmons: Sarge, this is Simmons 2.0, do you read me? Apparently your plan to chase Lopez and Doc has failed miserably. I appear to be stuck in some kind of nexus of teleporters which should take me anywhere in the universe...or it's the janitors closet. Hell, I don't fuckin' know. Sarge!? Are you there? Sarge!?

[Upon arriving in Battle Creek]

Sarge: Hello? Anyone? Do you read me? Do I read you? Anyone? Anybody? Nobody? Okay. Clicks off radio Well, I don't think the others are coming. We must have gotten separated somehow.

Caboose: My toes, are getting pruney.

Sarge: Ooookay. Why don't we try to find O'Malley?

Caboose: I know where you can find O'Malley. He lived inside my helmet for a while. Maybe he left an address to send his mail. We were like roommates!

Sarge: Sounds like he took some of the furniture when he left… and the carpet… and the drapes… and I wouldn't expect to get that deposit back, if y'know what I mean.

[Caboose rounds the corner to see a blue man laying on the ground]

Caboose: Sergeant! Look! A sleeping person!

Sarge: What? Holy Macaroon... [Sarge runs over to inspect the blue] He's not sleeping son, he's dead.

Caboose: Oh good. At first, I thought that was me. Because I am blue and I like to sleep. But if he is dead, that cannot be me. That would be silly.

Sarge: No doubt he was killed by our very enemy. Once again, I find my-self torn. On the one hand, there's one less blue in the universe, but now Doc's got a bigger body count than me! And that just won't do, No sir. [Sarge turns to the dead blue] Rest in piece...scumbag.

[Caboose rounds the next corner to find a small area with bullet holes in the walls, blood on the ground and walls and many reds and blues lying on the ground]

Caboose: Look, more sleeping people. It must be nap time! But who has nap time now? Nap time comes before pants time, not after. I think these people are just making up times!

Sarge: What the Samuel Helsinki happened here? There must have been an enormous battle. [Calls out] Hello? Is anyone okay? Are there any survivors? Preferably any RED survivors. Don't let that discourage you from speaking up if you're blue! I won't step on your neck or anything like that.

Caboose: Am I allowed to answer?

Sarge: Shhh, quiet. You hear that?

[Trumpet starts playing in the background, getting steadily louder playing 'Reveille']

Caboose: Yes. That noise is called water. It is very wet, and very sloshy.

Sarge: I was talking about the trumpet, bluetard.

Caboose: I have to go to the bathroom now for some reason... Which is odd, because I already went when we were standing in the creek together!

Sarge: Wait a minute! I know that song! That's Reveille! But why would someone be playing Reveille in the middle of-

[At this point all the supposedly dead red's and blue's jump up cheering and yelling]

Sarge: Sweet jibbling jibblets!!

Caboose: Running time!

[The numerous soldiers run past Sarge and Caboose, running into their respective bases chanting 'hup, hup, hup', etc.]

Sarge: What just happened here?"

Caboose: I think all the sleeping people were trying t-

Sarge: That was rhetorical.

[Sarge runs over to a window through which you can hear unintelligible cheers]

Sarge: Get over here, gimmie a boost.

Caboose: Okay...[Walks over to Sarge] You are a good person, and people say nice things about you.

Sarge: Not a morale boost, moron, a physical one. I need to see what's in that window.

Caboose: That window is very high. I don't think you are tall enough.

Sarge: I know... I need you to help me look through it.

Caboose: I don't think I am tall enough either. Also, my head is round, and that window is square.

Sarge: C'mere you...

[Sarge boosts Caboose to look through a window]

Caboose: Whoa!

Sarge: What do you see?

Caboose: I see... a room.

Sarge: And? What's in the room?

Caboose: There are some walls, and some ceilings... wait! Just one ceiling.

Sarge: What's making all that racket?

Blue Soldiers: Kill the reds! Kill the reds! Kill the reds! Kill the reds! Kill the reds!

Caboose: You are not going to like it.

[Camera goes back to both Sarge and Caboose]

Sarge: Caboose, I have a veery bad feeling ab-[Sarge notices the trumpet playing again]...What's that?

[Blues come running out of their base, firing weapons madly in all directions]

Blue Soldiers: Chaaarge! Chaaaarge! Yeaaaah! Woo-hoo!

[Red Soldiers run out of their base, also firing their weapons madly in all directions screamin taunts]

Sarge: Come on Caboose! We got to get to higher ground!

Blue Soldier: Yeah, I love reloading, I love to reload!

[Red Soldier pops up and hits him in the back of the head]

Blue Soldier: Oh! Back of the head! Tell my girlfriend that I love her...

Red Soldier: She's my girlfriend now bitch!

Sarge: Come on Caboose! [Sarge and Caboose climb a ladder to a cliff above]

[From their new vantage point, Caboose and Sarge view the scene below them: Multiple reds and blues shooting non-stop at each other]

Various Soldiers: Yeah, get some! You want some!?

Caboose: Sarge, I am scared of our new friends.

Sarge: Ah, sonny-bo-no, what's going on here?

[Trumpet plays once and a Red carrying a blue flag runs out of the blue base]

Red Zealot: Stop fighting, stop fighting everyone, stop fighting! [everyone stops shooting and looks at him]

Random Soldier: You all look alike to me!

Red Zealot: Everyone, everyone, look unto me! I possess the blue flag!

Red Soldier: It's more beautiful than I ever imagined!

Red Zealot: I have seen the top of the mountain! And you will worship me as though I were a god!

[Four Blue soldiers run in and kill him]

Red Zealot: I regret nothing! I lived as few men dare to dream!

[The Reds and Blues look between the dead Zealot and each other a few times and continue to shoot at each other]

[A red soldier runs up behind a blue and kills him]

Red Soldier: Oh yeah! Oh no!

[The soldier gets killed by a sniper shot to the head]

Blue Sniper: Head shot! [The sniper gets hit by a rocket] Oh! You rocket whore!

Blue Soldier: Yeah! You want some!? I got some for you! How 'bout you?

Red Soldier: The only good blue is a dead blue!

Red Soldier: Christ, this water's cold!

Red and Blue Soldiers Alternating, while shooting over a rock at each other: Hey, ho, hey, ho, hey, ho, hey, YO!

[The Blue soldier gets hit by a rocket]

Red Soldier: Weak! You took my kill!

Rocket Red Soldier: I didn't see your name on it!

[As the Rocket Soldier runs past a rock, he gets shot and killed by a blue hiding behind the rock]

Rocket Soldier: Oh, you fucking camping bitch!

Blue Camper: It's a legitimate strategy!

[The blue runs away, and when he runs out from behind a rock, he almost gets hit by a sniper shot]

Blue Camper: Whoa!

Red Sniper: Damn! Hey Blue, we're the only two left, let's work together!

Blue Camper: What do you mean?

Red Sniper: I'm coming out!

Blue Camper: Okay, I'm coming out too!

[The two meet in the middle of the creek]

Blue Camper: What did you mean we could work as a team?

[The Red Sniper smashes his rifle into the Blue Camper's head, killing him]

Red Sniper: I bash you in the head with my rifle, and you die! Good teamwork, you fucking noob! Good game! Good game everybody, GG man, GG! [The Sniper dies with no cause] Blah!

Sarge: I have no earthly idea what it is I just saw, or what this place is, or where in the hell O'Malley is! My only choice is to blame Grif for coming up with such a flawed plan. Stupid, stupid Grif.

Caboose: I am so confused. Where is Church? I need Church to tell me what to think. Church can handle this, he can handle anything!

[Camera shifts to a new map, Sidewinder]

Church: Hey, asshole, for the last time, LET ME OUT OF THIS GOD DAMN JAIL CELL!!!

Grif: Yeah, let him out! He's driving me nuts!

Church: Oh shut up red, nobody asked you!

Grif: I should have never listened to Donut's stupid fucking plan...

Visiting old friends (Episode 40)

Sarge: Caboose, we have to break this neverending cycle of attack-and-retaliation either by a) convincing the two sides to live in peace, or b) by getting ourselves completely involved and kicking some serious ass! I vote b.

Caboose: I have a plan, Sergeant, but we will have to move quick. Listen, [runs up to Sarge and whispers] whisper whisper whisper Do you think that will work?

Sarge: That's your plan? All you said was 'whisper whisper whisper'.

Caboose: I know, I just want to be the one with the plan for once.

[Sarge and Caboose's negotiation fails and the grunts continue to kill each other]

Sarge: Caboose, I give up...

Caboose: Wait! I can make them listen. I can beat them!

Sarge:Son, What are you talkin' about?

Caboose: O'Malley taught me how to be mean! I just have to (grunting) concentrate, on, bad, things, like milk! No, wait, red... Red Bull!

Sarge: Son, I think you may have lost it. O'Malley is not inside your head anymore! He infected the Doc!

Caboose: No, I can feel him! I just need to get angry and say, mean, things, like Your, brain, is, a mountain, of hatred!

Sarge: I never thought I'd reach the moment in my life when I actually miss Grif...But here it is.

Caboose: Now, I, am, thinking, about... kittens! Guh, kit-tens, cov-ered in spikes! That makes, me, angry!

[Caboose lets out a primal scream as he leaps down among Battle Creek players]

Caboose: Yearh!

[He lands]

Caboose: My name is Michael J. Caboose, and I hate babies!

Red Zealot: It's the beast! The anti-flag, come to live among us and rule us for seven years! The end is nigh! [gets killed by "Evil Caboose"] Dyhurg!

Blue Soldier: [killed] Yikes!

Red Soldier: [killed] Yowzaa!

Red, Blue, Red Soldiers: [they are standing in a row, Caboose mows them dow with sniper rifle] Ow! Wee! Wow!

Caboose: I will eat your unhappiness!

Caboose: Your toast has been burned and no amount of scraping will remove the black parts.

Sarge: Aww shut up Caboose!

[Simmons has saved Sarge and Caboose from Battle Creek]

Caboose: What happened? The last thing I remember was a very mean kitten, and then we were in this janitor's closet, and my throat hurts, a lot.

Simmons: What was that weird place Sarge?

Sarge: Simmons, I have absolutely no idea.

[The Battle Creek teams confront each other]

Red Grunt: Well, I guess it's back to basics now! Get ready for destruction, Blues! We're gonna kick your ass! We have become death, destroyer of wo— Oh wait, hold on. I gotta take out the trash; I'll be right back.

Let's get together (Episode 41)

[O'Malley calls Vic and encounters his answering service]

O'Malley: Vic, pick up, it's me, [evil laughter].

Vic: Oh hey, Doctor Baron von Evil Satan. What's up, dude?

O'Malley: Don't screen my calls, Vic.

Vic: Dude, if you don't come up on Caller ID I'm not just gonna answer anything—

O'Malley: Caller ID? I'm in hiding, you buffoon! I'm trying to take over the Universe! [evil laughter]

Doc: We're also on the "Do Not Call" list.

O'Malley: Oh, Shut up!

Tex: Keeping secrets? I find that attractive

Tucker: You do?

Tex: In attractive people, yeah

Tex: everybody in the division was paired with an AI and codenamed for a state

Donut: what was your code name Tex?

Tex: Nevada

Tucker: One for each state? So there's fifty of you.

Tex: Forty-nine. Remember?

Tucker: Ooh, yeah. That's right. Man, poor Florida. (Tex, Donut, and Tucker all stare at the ground and take a moment of silence) Sigh...

Tucker: OK , Anyway.

You're the bomb, Yo (Episode 42)

Church: There's no "I" in team, Grif.

Grif: Yeah, there's no "U" either. So I guess if I'm not on the team, and you're not on the team, nobody's on the god-damn team. The team sucks!

—

Sarge: Don't worry Grif and Church, here comes the cavalry! YAAA! [jumps through the teleporter and reappears a short distance away] AAAA-huh?

Simmons: Uh sir, the teleporter I reprogrammed is over there.

Sarge: Oh. Watch out evildoers! Here we come to save the- oh forget it, lets just go.

—

Grif: (singing) Nobody knows the trouble I've seen. Nobody knows but Jesus.

—

Sheila: Good luck everyone. I packed you all lunches for the trip.

Tucker: Thanks Sheila, that was really nice of you.

Donut: Not really. All my bag had was an air filter and a thermos full of brake fluid.

Sheila: Don't forget to wash your exhaust pipe every day.

—

Make your time (Episode 43)

Grif: What can I do Sarge?

Sarge: I need you to run right at O'Malley.

Grif: And shank him with my shiv?

Sarge: No, when he blows you up with a rocket, try to see if you can get your dismembered limbs and guts to clog the barrels of his rocket launcher.

Grif: You're kidding?

Sarge: It's a remote chance, I know, but it's worth a shot.

O'Malley: (Catching the two behind a rock) OBLIVION IS AT HAND! HA HA!

Doc: (Points the rocket launcher at them) Cover your ears guys. This thing is really loud.

Grif: This is it!

Simmons: Not so fast O'Malley! (Everyone turns to Simmons) Maybe we can't stop you, but I know who can! (A teleporter comes from nowhere, letting in the Zealot Solders)

Blue Solders: ALRIGHT, NEW LEVEL! YEAH!

All the Zealot Solders: YAHOO! YAHOO! YEAH!

Simmons: Hey guys, you want your flag? (All the zealots turn to Simmons) He's the one who has it! (Screen panel turns to O'Malley)

Red Zealot: (Zealots turn to O'Malley) The crusade has begun! Our hour of glory is now at hand! Let all who would stand against us be washed in our divine light! (All the Zealots shoot at O'Malley)

O'Malley: NO, GET, GET AWAY FROM ME! NO, MY POWER IS DROPPING, STOP, DOWN!

Simmons: We need to disarm Church's bomb Sarge.

Sarge: Right.

Church: (Church gets struck by lightning) Yow woo hoo hoo! (Reds run up to Church)

Sarge: Hold still son, this will just take a second. (Sarge kneels down to Church's crotch)

Church: Seriously, don't you ever install anything above the waist? (Sarge pops up again)

Sarge: OH NO! That last lightning bolt fused the detonator! There's no way to turn this thing off!

Simmons: Can you do it manually?

Sarge: Impossible. I specifically designed it so I wouldn't be able to defuse it.

Grif: Why?

Sarge: In case I fell into the wrong hands, and was brainwashed to help the blues.

Simmons: Nice thinking Sir.

Grif: You just had to get one last ass kiss in before we die, didn't you?

Zealot Solders: ("tea-bagging" O'Malley) HUP HUP HUP!

O'Malley: NO, NOT, THAT'S DISGUSTING, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Zealot Solder: Let me try, let me try, heh heh heh, take that dude!

O'Malley: I'M BEING VIOLATED!!

Tucker: Church, (Tucker points a rocket launcher at Church) there's only one thing I can do.

Church: Hey, what the hell?!

Simmons: There's only twenty seconds left!

Tucker: If I blow you up before the bomb goes off, there's at least a small chance the rest of us will live.

Church: But the rocket will kill me!

Simmons: TEN SECONDS!

Grif: YOU'RE GOING TO DIE ANYWAY WHEN THE BOMB GOES OFF!

Church: Hey, what can I tell you pal? Misery loves company.

Simmons: FIVE SECONDS!

Tucker: Sorry Church.

Church: Aw man, this blows, you guys suck. (Tucker suddenly gets shot at the side)

Tucker: WHAT THE HELL?! (Screen panel shows Agent Wyoming with a sniper)

Wyoming: Sorry Privet Tucker, but I always get my man. Say good bye.

Simmons: Uh, guys, I hate to interrupt but, zero seconds.

Tucker: Uh oh. (Church's bomb makes a series of beeps and dial noises)

Church: What? Oh, son of a b- (Camera pans out to show the entire map, a small explosion is seen, then the camera fades to white)

Caboose: I don't want to be dead. I want to be alive. Or a cowboy.

Tucker: What's going on? Who are you people?

Donut: He has amnesia! Tucker! Don't worry. You are safe. We're the reds, we are your mortal enemies. Wait. That didn't sound right.

Caboose: Tucker! Tucker! I am so glad you are alive.

Tucker: Caboose? Still so dumb, but you look so different.

Caboose: We're in the future! Things are very shiny here.

Tucker: The future? Oh, I can't fucking wait to hear this one.

Sarge: I represent the past, where stuff cost less and people knew the value of a hard days work, but they only lived to be 28 years old.

Simmons: I represent the future where we have no morals and no emotions, but we have a lot of kick-ass gadgets.

Grif: And I'm the present which sucks. We have nothing cool and also no morals.

Sarge: Ah, quit yer bitching. I have atrocities and a crapload of wars which seemed very important at the time, but now seem trivial and stupid.

Simmons: Yeah, and I have apocalypse. That's way worse than anything you two dipshits have! ...Sorry sir, that "dipshits" was in character.

Sarge: Oh. Well, bravo Simmons.

Tucker: Destroyed the present? Then where are we?

Simmons: We're in the future numbnuts.

Tucker: Aren't we in the present right now? Aren't we always in the present?

Simmons: Unbelievable, he can't cope with the loss. He's in denial.

Simmons: The bomb attached to Church sent us into the future. Good thing he was facing forward at the time.

Tucker: Of course he was facing forward, what other way do people face?

Tucker: Don't you see? If Church was facing forward during the explosion, and that blew us in to the future, that could mean that he was blown backward in to the... oh no!

Sarge: Back in to what? A wall? A broom closet?

Grif: A big rock?

Caboose: Another big rock!

Church: (after being hurled into a Marathon game from 1995) What the Hell! Where the Hell am I?!

We must rebuild (Episode 44)

Grif: They destroyed it all Simmons, those damn stupid bastards, they blew it all up! Damn them! Damn them to hell! Those damn dirty apes!!!

Simmons: Calm down Grif, we don't know that the whole world is like this.

Grif: Yes it is, they destroyed it all. I guess the society of men just wasn't meant to survive.

Simmons: Hey how about this, how about we explore more than 2 square miles before we jump to any conclusions?

Grif: It was definitely nuclear weapons, that's what did it. And the explosions caused massive power outages that caused the failsafe to fail, which released a super bacteria from a secret lab!

Simmons: Oh come on!

Grif: Then that caused a human plague, and as the victims died, they rose from the dead 12 hours later to roam the Earth and feast on human flesh!

Simmons: WHAT???

Grif: A handful of witty survivors from all walks of life were able to keep the legions of the infected radioactive undead at bay, using only their wits and an inexplicable comphrehension of agricultural science and engineering. Everything was looking good. And that's when the meteor hit!

Simmons: I think you just quoted every crappy Hollywood apocalypse movie ever.

Tucker: Hollywood doesn't understand apocalypse. They think that just one thing from everyday life goes away and that changes everything. Like in Road Warrior it was gas, and in Waterworld it was land.

Simmons: What went away in The Matrix?

Tucker: Sunlight.

Grif: I thought the missing element was plot.

Tucker: I'm talking about Matrix 1.

Simmons: Oh, right.

Grif: Face it Simmons, the age of Man is done.

Simmons: But if all that happened, where are the zombies? Why aren't they still around?

Grif: The meteor killed them!!!

Simmons: And what about the super bacteria?

Grif: It was infected by alien bacteria that was on the meteor and was wiped out in a massive bacteria-on-bacteria plague! Very ironic...

Simmons: Ok then why haven't we been infected by the new alien bacteria?

Grif: It only infects other bacteria! Are you even listening to me!?!

Tucker: Do you guys ever get anything done? Or do you just stand around and talk all day?

Grif: We don't get paid enough to do stuff.

[Caboose and Donut show off the jeep after Grif and Simmons were arguing]

Caboose: [proudly] Look what I found!

Donut: I found it!

Caboose:[still proudly] Look at what I took credit for finding!

New toys (Episode 45)

Donut: Hey Sarge, what's that metal thing that looks like a bunny? Ooh, ooh and what's that other metal thing that looks like a soup can?

Sarge: Don't touch anything Donut!

Simmons: No, I don't think that getting new rims for the jeep is a good idea.

Grif: Oh, come on! If we all kick in, we can get some spinners, some kick-ass subs, hydraulics!

Tucker: I'm in.

Simmons: Why?

Grif: Uh, for style.

Tucker: For chicks!

Simmons: What chicks? There's no one for miles. We don't even know if anyone's still alive!

Grif: What, suddenly you're a pessimist?

Tucker: Yeah, but if we do find some women, we will literally be the last men on earth for them.

Grif: He's right.

Tucker: All my life, I've had girls tell me 'Not if you were the last man on earth!' [Laughs] Well that may be true, but let's see what happens when I'm the last man on earth with a sweet-ass pimped-out ride, bitch!

Sarge: If you ladies are through gossiping, I could use some help fixing our vehicle!

Grif: Oh, yeah, right. Here, let me try. [Starts car]

Sarge: Wait!

[Donut, under the jeep, screams]

Sarge: Donut, are you okay?

Donut: [sobbing] I was just… petting… the bunny. And then it went in to the soup can… and part of my hand went with it!

Tucker: Bunny and hand soup, just like Mom used to make.

Sarge: Donut, I told you not to touch anything! You touched everything! That's the exact opposite of touching nothing!

Tucker: What's the rush of getting this thing fixed anyway?

Sarge: Listen, dirtbag. I know on blue team, you like to lollygag a beer-

Tucker: There is no blue team. It's all a lie. Red and blue are the same.

Grif: Oh, don't start that crap again.

Simmons: You sound like a conspiracy nut when you talk about that stuff. [sarcastically] The government put a chip in my brain!

Grif: [also sarcastically] The president can hear my thoughts!

Donut: [sarcastically, while also in great pain] We never landed on the sun!

Grif: [sarcastic gasp] They put fluoride in my water!

Simmons: Actually, that one's true.

Grif: It is? No wonder I listen to so much pop music.

Tucker: But you guys think I'm your enemy, and I'm not preparing to do anything. Cept' get L.A.I.D.

Simmons: ...

Grif: ...

Tucker: Laid.

Grif: Yeah, we can spell. We just think that was fucking weak.

We're being watched (Episode 46)

[Doc, and O'Malley are moving into a base]

Doc: Hey, we should start a neighborhood association. It's just like a government, but run by housewives and old people. So it's a lot more efficient at controlling your lives.

O'Malley: Shut up. Get out of my head!

Doc: Technically it's my head. But I don't mind sharing. Don't you remember that talk we had about sharing?

O'Malley: Shut up!

Sarge: Grif, Simmons, where've you two been?

Simmons: Our patrol didn't go exactly as planned, Sarge.

Sarge: Did you find something? Wait a minute, where's the jeep?

Grif: Yeah...it's like this...

Sarge: Grif, I just built that jeep. I don't want to hear that it's been destroyed.

Grif: Oh, well then maybe I should stop talking. Or you can stop listening.

Sarge: Grif!

Simmons: No no no, it's not destroyed Sarge. The engine just quit.

Sarge: And what exactly were you doing when the engine died?

Grif: Duh, getting the jeep outta the ditch.

Sarge: What was the jeep doing in a ditch?

Grif: Well I can tell you what it wasn't doing, and that's reenacting the coolest scene from The Dukes of Hazzard ever. [Sarge moans in exasperation.] Simmons was driving.

Simmons: No I wasn't! I was holding the arrows and the dynamite!

[The three of them check out the Warthog.]

Sarge: Wait a second, this thing isn't busted. It's just outta gas.

Grif: It runs on gas?

Sarge: Of course not, moron. Where are we gonna get gasoline? I modified the fuel cells to utilize a form of cold fission, powered by solar energy.

Simmons: So then why is it dead, sir?

Sarge: You would have had to park it in the shade for at least two hours. What were you doing parked in the shade for two hours?

Grif: Well, I can tell you what we weren't doing...

Sarge: Ah, forget it.

It's a biological fact (Episode 47)

Tex: What took you guys so long to get here?

Simmons: There's six of us, and this is only a three seater jeep. Half of us had to sit on someone else's lap.

Donut: (excitedly) It was a great road trip. My favourite part was when Grif tried to change gears, and he accidentally-

Grif: (sighing) Please, let's not tell the story. Is there somewhere I can wash my hands?

[Tex is explaining O'Malley's fortress on the beach]

Tex: He's been fortifying his defenses for a few days now, and he's got some help. One of those religious nuts you guys picked up.

Caboose: Oh! I like them! They were funny.

Tucker: Caboose, they tried to kill you because of a flag.

Caboose: I try not to remember the bad things about people.

Tucker: That's all they tried to do! There were no good things!

Caboose: That's okay, I have a really bad memory- WOW! LOOK, A BEACH!

Sarge: Shut up, Caboose.

Tex: I've scouted a location inside the base where we can set it off and take the whole place down. I marked the spot with a big X.

Tucker: You scouted it.

Tex: Yeah.

Tucker: If you got past the two walls, the huge spinning blade, the gun turrets, and made it all the way in to the fortress, why didn't you just plant the bomb then instead of putting a big X on the floor?

Tex: (hesitantly) ...I can't carry it.

Grif: What?

Simmons: What was that?

Tex: It's too heavy, okay?! You happy?!

Grif: Yeah, kinda.

Tex: I need one of you idiots to carry it. I don't have the upper body strength to move it on my own.

Grif: See, girls act like they're so tough, but the first time they need someone to move a couch, who do they call? [Tex stares daggers at Grif.] Please don't kill me.

Sarge: Ah; go ahead and kill him, we can use his armor for spare parts. Here, this thing dosen't look so heavy. Look at the... (tries to lift the bomb) Whoa! That thing's not moving!

Caboose: I can carry it.

Tex: I guarantee you'll need two people.

Tucker: No, it's true, he has crazy strength. Church and I think it's God's way of compensating.

Caboose: (picks up bomb) See.

Sarge: Great Paul Bunyan! He's like an ox!

Caboose: But I have no horns... or lumberjack friends.

Grif: Come on, no way it can be that bad. Let me give it an... ah! (Caboose drops the bomb in Grif's hands and Grif falls to the ground) (Grif hands the bomb back to Caboose) Here you go, you can carry it.

Tucker: She'll do anything for money.

Tex: That's not true.

Tucker: It's not? I'll give you ten bucks to tear off Grif's arm.

Tex: (eagerly) Which one's Grif?

Tucker: See? She's not even really on the Blue Team. She was just paid to come and help us.

Grif: (motioning towards Simmons and whispering) He's Grif.

Tucker: Have her do this for you, and then you guys owe her a favor. That's how these freelancers get stuff done, right?

Tex: That'll work. I'll help you, and then the two of you have to do something for me.

Simmons: Okay, we'll do it.

Grif: Wait just a second. What would we have to do?

Tex: It all depends.

Grif: Depends on what.

Tex: On...what I need...to do some future job.

Grif: But, it could be anything.

Tex: That's right, anything.

Grif: .........Like gay stuff?

Tex: ...I have no idea.

Grif: ...Well, can we rule out the gay stuff?

Donut: Hey, how come I never get to help?

Heavy metal (Episode 48)

Sarge: OK, listen up dirtbags. If we’re gonna invade this fortress, we need a good game plan. I’ve got two options we can use. Number one, we all run straight at the base in a single file line, screaming at the top of our lungs. [scene goes black and white and shows everyone running in slow motion toward windmill while yelling]. The enemy will be so flabbergasted, by the time they have a chance to regroup, we’ll already be inside.

Tucker: Oh yeah, right, they’re not gonna get surprised, they’re just gonna start mowing us down.

Sarge: That’s the inherent beauty of the single file line. They can only kill the person in front, [scene goes black and white and shows them all in a line being shot with a sniper rifle], so if we order from least important to most important, with Tucker being in the front and me being in the back, then we just might make it through.

Simmons: Don’t you think Caboose should be in the back since he’s the one carrying the bomb?

Sarge: Nope, Caboose is in front of me. We need someone in the back who can objectively evaluate how the plan is working.

Tucker: How are you going to know if it’s not working?

Sarge: If Caboose dies, I’ll know we’re in trouble and immediately abort.

Caboose: I think that’s a good plan.

Grif: Sarge, while that’s the most retarded idea I’ve ever heard, I just wanted to thank you for not putting me in front of the line.

Sarge: Don’t get misty, Francine. We’ll have already killed you and used your corpse to jam up the windmill.

[shows windmill rotating upward with Grif’s body on it]

Grif: Blaaargh!.

Sarge: I think we can all agree given our current situation it’s the perfect plan.

[everyone stares at him silently]

Sarge: Well let me tell you about my other plan, using parts from the warthog we create something I like to call ... the Grif Cannon. Utilizing the power of the Grif Cannon, we make a Grif sized hole in the outer wall, or paint it a very disgusting color.

[Tucker spots a sniper rilfe]

Tucker: Ooh! A sniper rifle!

Tex: I got it! [Picks it up]

Tucker: Fuck.

Tucker: You know what? I miss the old days, when we didn't risk our lives, and you guys were just a bunch of nameless assholes I would yell at with Church.

Grif: It's okay. We hate you too, man.

Simmons: (on radio) Copy that Sarge.

Sarge: You and the two bullet magnets go up to the right side and cause some kind of distraction.

Simmons: Any suggestions?

Sarge: As long as it draws attention away from us and towards you I-don't-care. (Donut walks behind Sarge)

Donut: (on radio) Try some dance moves-Oh-you could do a musical number!

Sarge: Get off the radio Donut!

Tucker: Why do I have to go up against a machine gun and you guys get to go play hide and seek?

Simmons: The guy we’re seeking has a rocket launcher.

Tucker: Ohh, right. Have fun doing that

[Grif and Simmons arrive at the giant fan at O'Malley's fortress]

Simmons: Okay, Grif, we just need to jump through here.

Grif: Okay, go for it.

Simmons: Me? Why me first?

Grif: Because, I don't wanna die?

Simmons: But this thing's moving super slow. See?

[Ten seconds later the fan blade goes by, complete with huge WHOOSH sound]

Grif: Nice knowing you, Simmons.

Roaming charges (Episode 49)

[Church meets the computer in the past]

Computer: HELLO. YOU ARE EARLY. YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE FOR ANOTHER 1,856 YEARS.

Church: What is this place?

Computer: THIS IS THE HOUSING FACILITY FOR THE GREAT WEAPON. I AM THE KEEPER OF THE GREAT WEAPON. YOU ARE THE GREAT DESTROYER. YOU WILL DEMOLISH THIS FACILITY, KILL ME, STEAL THE GREAT WEAPON, AND BRING ABOUT THE GREAT DOOM FOR BILLIONS OF PEOPLE. ...WELCOME! HOW MAY I BE OF ASSISTANCE?

Church: What're you talking about?

Computer: YOUR COMING HAS BEEN FORETOLD BY THE GREAT PROPHECY.

Church: Does your society have any other adjectives besides great?

[Tucker shows off his new weapon to Donut.]

Donut: And you found that in a hole?

Tucker: Yeah, dude. I was just walking along, following Tex, not really paying attention you know. I fell in some hole. And uh, Tex didn't help me out, she figured she was better off without me, and that's when I found this.

Donut: You know, most people would tell that story in a way that makes it sound a little better.

Tucker: Yeah but, you know, that's not really my style.

Donut: Man, I've never found something that cool in a hole. And I've explored just about every hole you can think of!

Tucker: Hey dude, do me a favor and don't talk like that when I'm playing with my thing.

Silver lining (Episode 50)

Captain Flowers: I'll tell you who your enemy is, gentlemen. Apathy. Pacivity. Indifference. Oh, an those red guys too.

Captain Flowers: [proudly] Men, your delightful tomfoolery puts a spring in my step, and a bounce in my britches. If I weren't your commanding officer I'd pick you both up, give you a giant bear hug and make you call me Daddy.

Church: Uh… thank God for the chain of command?

[Tex is attacking the reds.]

Sheila: Target locked. [Fires main cannon]

Donut: Hey, what are you guys doing up here? [Several gunshots are aimed by Future Church to get Donut's head but he misses every time]

Future Church: OH MY GOD! How the hell did I miss?!

Grif: That chick with black armor is back.

Donut: What chick? You mean the chick that stuck the gernade to my head? [Church misses again]

Future Church: God damn it!

Simmons: That's the one.

Donut: Oooh, oh I've been waiting for this. [Donut runs over to the edge of the base that faces Tex.] HEY BITCH, REMEMBER ME?! I SAVED SOMETHING FOR YA! [Donut throws a sticky grenade at Tex. Everybody watches the grenade fly slowly threw the sky while Future Church tries to shoot it down but misses every shot.]

Future Church: FUCK. THIS. HORSE. SHIT!

Tucker: Man, that girl has a really good arm.

Tex: [The gernade land on her] Aw, crap.

Future Church: Alright, that's it. I quit. I'm going to go live in a cave. [Church runs toward the caves. And Tex blows up.]

Church: DIOS MIO NO!!

Episode 50 part 2 (Episode 51)

Church: Um, maybe somebody should say something.

Tucker: Okay, go ahead.

Church: Not me jackass. I'm not going to eulogize myself.

Tucker: What, why not? I eulogize myself all the time. Wait. (pause) I think I don't know what the word eulogize means.

Caboose: Wait, I know how to do this! Dearly Beloved we are gathered here, today, to witness, the joining together of Tex, and Church, in eternalness together, smuh- speak now, or forever rest in peace! With liberty… and justice… for all. The end!

Have we met? (Episode 52)

Church:[Church runs into several other Church's who have failed to change the sequence of events leading to episode 49] What the hell is all of this?

Church 2: Dear God in heaven.

Church 3: Oh here he is, late again.

Church: Who are you guys?

Church 3: We're you, dumbass! We just keep screwing up and being blown back to the computer terminal. Than we teleport here to try again.

Church 2: I know that man, you told me last time!

Church 3: I'm not talking to you I'm talking to the new you.

Church 2: Oh right, sorry I'm still getting used to all this.

Church 4: Dumbass,

Church 2: Hey shut up.

Church: How did all you guys screw up?

Church 4: Well when Tucker points the rocket launcher at us, I try to explain the situation to everybody and oddly Caboose was the only one who understood it right away. Anyway by the time I got finished answering questions the bomb went off and I went back in time.

Church 5: Right, then I teleported back to Sidewinder and thought if I could shoot Wyoming before he shoots Tucker I could fix everything. But I shoot Wyoming then Tucker shot me, the bomb went off anyway, and I got sent back in time.

Church 2: Then I teleported back and just decided to kill everybody that I could see.

Church: Why'd you do that?

Church 2: Well... I don't know, it seemed like fun. I think I went a little nuts there for awhile.

Church: Well then what did you do?

Yellow Armored Church: Dude don't ask, trust me it... it didn't work.

Church 4: So now we all come back here beforehand to discuss we did and to see if we can collectively figure out a better plan beforehand.

Church 2: You said beforehand twice.

Church: Well in that case what I was thinking about doing was-

All Churches: That won't work.

Church 3: So what did you do?

Yellow Armored Church: Aw man, it seemed like such a good idea at the time.

Church: What can I say, dipshit. For better or worse, I'm back.

Church: I learned a very valuable lesson on my travels, Tucker. No matter how bad things might seem...

Caboose: They could be worse?

Church: Nope, no matter how bad they seem, they can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things fucking are, and you better get used to it Nancy. Quit yer bitching.

Caboose: Where have you been?

Church: You want the long version or the short version?

Caboose: I will take the easy version please.

Tucker: I want to hear the long version but can I hear it in 3 parts?

Let's come to order (Episode 53)

Caboose: Time... line? Time isn't made out of lines. It is made out of circles. That is why clocks are round!

(After hearing a Distress signal from the radio that Simmons gets credit for)

Simmons: I just think it's important to receive credit for working while some people are in the back seat monkeying about.

Grif: Okay, first of all, monkeying 'about'? Second, I don't think sitting in the jeep and listening to the radio counts as working, and thirdly, monkeying 'about'?

Grif: Well I can see why we don't have lots of meetings. The only person who doesn't know is Donut. He's not even here.

Sarge: That's because I asked Donut to distract the Blues so we could have this secret meeting!

:(Scene changes to Blues and Donut)

Donut: And that's how I saved Christmas.

Caboose: I did not even know the North Pole was in San Francisco. This changes everything!

Tucker: Yeah and I don't think Santa's outfit is a leather biker's outfit.

Hello my name is Andrew (Episode 54)

Church (to Tucker): What's your first name?

Tucker: Lavernius.

Church: Lavernius? Well then, who is this Andy g… wait a second… Are you black?

Tucker: Me?

Church: Yeah.

Tucker: Does it matter?

Church: No, just curious.

Tucker: Well, if it doesn't matter, why are you curious?

Church: I dunno; I guess it's just something I should have picked up on after all this time.

Tucker: You know what else you should have picked up on? My fucking first name!

Caboose: Say something Andy, you are embarrassing me in front of my friends.

Tex: Caboose I think you're losing it.

Tucker: Also I wouldn't really call us friends more like acquaintances or people who work with other people they hate.

Church: Andy's the bomb?

Caboose: Uh... Andy prefers the term "Explosive American"

Defusing the situation (Episode 55)

[Caboose tries to calm Andy down]

Caboose: Ah uh... Think calming thoughts, uh... Let's count backwards from ten! Ten, nine, eight—

Tex and Tucker: No!

Church: [at the same time] Duck!

Simmons: You may be the dumbest person I've ever met.

Grif: And I think you're just covering your ass.

Donut: Hey, Sarge...

Simmons: What?! I'm not covering my ass! You're the one covering yours!

Grif: No way.

Sarge: Stop arguing you two! Simmons isn't covering his ass and Grif certainly isn't covering his. No one's ass is being covered. Got it? Donut, what do you want?

Donut: Uh.... Is that a trick question?

Cut to Grif entering the base, evesdropping on the Blues

Caboose: You are in a cool river, where noone disturbs you, or calls you names. Like "Bomby." Or, "The Exploding Jerk." There are sheep nearby, the kind that don't blow up, you are happy. But not overly happy... Regular happy.

Tex: Breathe in through your nose (takes a breath, and exhales through her mouth) and out through the mouth. Again, in through the nose (takes a breath), and out through the mouth.

Church: Uh, maybe I'll get some candles, would you like some candles, or some incense? How 'bout that?

Gary: Hey, Andy, knock knock.

Andy: Who's there.

Gary: Inner peace and serenity.

Andy: I already heard that one.

Calm before the storm (Episode 56)

[O'Malley is annoyed at the slow speed of the robots]

O'Malley: This isn't what I asked for.

Lopez: Dices des qué quieras esta día de victoria.

Caption: You said you wanted a day of victory.

Lopez: A este velocidad, va pasar veinticuatro horas para ganar.

Caption: At this speed, they will win in exactly 24 hours.

(Telling Andy about Tex's anger problems)

Andy: Sounds like you're patronizing me.

Tex: No, it's me. I'm a bitch.

Church: Heh, keep talking.

Tex: And I need to stay calm all of the time.

Church: Or what happens?

Tex: Or... else I get so mad, I start to kill people on my own team.

Church: I see your point.

Caboose: Oooh, tell him about the moodiness, and the crankiness.

Tucker: Also, mention how you like to punch people in the head while they're sleeping!

Caboose: That was you?! I thought the tooth fairy was mad at me!

Sarge: Grif, don't interrupt me when I'm leading in a battle situation!

Grif: ... We're in battle?

Sarge: Course we are! Now get ready for your orders. Donut!

Donut: Yes sir!

Sarge: Scream like a woman!

Donut: Caaaaan do. AHHHHHHHHH!

[Donut continues to scream in background while running around]

Sarge: Grif!

Grif: What?

Sarge: Prepare to sacrifice yourself to save a nearby superior officer.

Grif: I don't think I've been trained on that.

Sarge: Simmons, kiss ass at will.

Simmons: You're both an excellent leader and a handsome man, sir!

Sarge: Excellent work Simmons! Incoming!

[Both Grif and Sarge duck to avoid a rocket]

Sarge: Grif, you're up.

Grif: Permission to assist Donut sir!

Sarge: Permission denied. Continue with operation Meatshield. Remember, just cause your bones are broken doesn't mean it won't stop bullets from hitting me. Now get out there!

Simmons: Good call sir!

Sarge: You're on your way to a medal Simmons. In fact, medals all the way around! Purple heart for Grif, pink heart for Donut, and a brown nose for Simmons.

Donut: I'm too young to die! I'm too pretty to die! I haven't even seen Paris yet...

The Storm (Episode 57)

Tex: Mmm… why don't you just give me your sword?

Tucker: No way, I can see right through your little ploy. You just want me to give you the sword.

Tex: That's what I just said.

Tucker: Yeah, but it's the way you said it.

Tex: You know, it's a good thing that that sword doesn't run on brainpower. Oh my God! Tucker, look! Hot chicks!

Tucker: Nice try, you just want me to turn around so you can knock me out and take the sword.

Tex: Now the hot girls are makin' out!

Tucker: Okay, that's worth the risk. [turns around] Aw, crap!

[Tex knocks him out]

Church: Whoa, Tucker, are you okay?

Tucker: [groans] Damn. Okay, new rule. We start rotating knockouts. Next time, it's your turn.

Church: Hey, good idea. And next time Caboose decides he wants to go around team killing, you can take that one.

Tucker: Maybe we should all stick to what we know best.

Church: Hey, where's your weapon?

Tucker: You think she knocked me out for fun? This isn't Tuesday, dude. She took it.

Gary: The great destroyer has arrived. The end is near.

Sarge: You stole that thing all by yourself?

Donut: Yep. And then I ran over the guy that was chasing us. And a few other innocent pedestrians.

Sarge: I'm so proud of you.

Donut: Yeah, stealing and killing are a huge rush. I wish I'd started at a much younger age. I've caught the fever!

Simmons: Shotgun!

Grif: Shotgu- Fuck...

Donut: Shotgun's Lap!

Simmons: FUCK!!

Sarge: We're moving too slow! we'll have to leave someone behind...

Grif: Not it!

Simmons: Not it.

Donut: What? No way! You're leaving me behind?!

Sarge: Sorry Donut, but the military laws are very clear in regards on the 'not it' methodology for making decisions.

Donut: Awww man! There's just so much about the army that I don't understand!

Simmons: Okay, the source of the distress signal should be right outside this - crap!

Grif: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[Zoom out to reveal that they are back at Blood Gulch]

Grif: This sucks.

Gary: THE GREAT DESTROYER HAS ARRIVED! THE END IS NEAR! (Repeats)

Church: Oh come on gary gary gary stop stop stop stop stop,. If Tex isn't the great destroyer from the prophecy then who is? (Gary stops) Gary?

Gary: KNOCK KNOCK.

(An alien is sneaking up behind Church)

Church: Who's there?

Season 4

Familiar Surroundings (Episode 58)

[Church's ghost appears, having left his body]

Church: What, the fuck, was that?

Caboose: Hey, Church!

Tucker: Hey.

Tex: Huh?

Church: Isn't anybody gonna ask me, "What happened to your body, Church?"

Tex and Tucker: [in unison, feigning interest] What happened to your body, Church?

Caboose[as Tex and Tucker are finishing]: What happened to some... body... Church?

Church: I don't know I was sitting there talking to gary and...

Tex (interrupts him): The bomb?

Church: No that's Andy... Gary is the computer.

Tex: Eh, I barely remember your names half the time!

Caboose: I know my name! You can ask me if you forget!

Church: Hey, can we please focus on me?

Caboose: By the way, he's Church.

Church: Yes. Thank you Caboose. She knows.

Caboose: He is the mean one.

Church: Thank you Caboose!

Caboose: See? He is mad. Now he will stare at me until I stop talking. Then, when he thinks I am done talking, then he will start talking again.

Church: (long pause) OK, I was talking to Gar-

Caboose: (cuts him off) Told you so.

Church: GOD DAMN IT!

Caboose: Classic Church.

Tucker: I wonder if a ghost can have an aneurysm?

Church: Anyways I was sitting there talking to Gary about the great destroyer at the time we thought was Tex.

Gary(in the story): The great destroyer has arrived, the end is near. The great destroyer has arrived, the end is near.

Church(in the story): Oh come on gary gary gary stop stop stop stop stop, hey if Tex isn't the destroyer for the prophecy then who is?

Church: And that's when I turned around and i saw...

Caboose: Saw what? Saw O'Malley?

Church: What the... Caboose get out of the story man, no it wasn't O'Malley-

Caboose(interrupting): What was it?!

Church: Stop interrupting me and I'll tell you.

Caboose(interupting again): A helicopter?

Tucker: Yeah Caboose shut up.

Church: Yeah Tucker you're interrupting too, just get out of the story!

Tucker: Me? I'm just here to spice things up! Check this out.

[Tucker mimics Tex]

Tucker as Tex: Hi everybody, I'm super horny from all the robot killing. Hey, is it hot in here? Who wants to help me out of this heavy armor? This breastplate is so itchy.

Tucker: Bow chicka bow-

[Tex points her gun at Tucker's head and cocks it back]

Tucker: -whoa, ok, story's over!

Tex: You're a pig.

Tucker: I didn't even get to the part where the sailors show up.

Tex: Just tell us, what did you see?

Church: Well...It was a really big...thing.

Tex: That's your story? You saw a big thing...

Tucker:, Ah, my story had a big thing in it too. You just didn't give it time to develop.

Church: Well, I really didn't get a clear look at it.

Caboose: At Tucker's big thing?

Tucker: Ha Ha Ha! Some slimy toothed monster scared the crap outta Church!

Tex: It didn't scare the crap out of him, it scared the SOUL out of him.

Tucker: Oh, it's Church. What's the difference? His soul is made out of crap! (to Church) Stupid crap for soul...

Church: For all I know, he's in there chewin' on my body right now.

Tex: Well, then let's go get this big thing of yours!

Tucker: Bow Chicka Bow Wow!

Tex: Oh, shut up!

Church: Shut up, Tucker.

Tucker: Somebody call for a really hairy plumber? Bow Chicka Bow Wow!

Church: Tucker! Shut up!

Tucker: I came here to lay some pipe. (quickly) Bow Chicka Bow Wow!

Church: Tucker!

Tucker: So I hear you got sisters, Bow Chicka- who are twins, Bow Wow!

Church: Shut up.

Tucker: Hey, are you a model or famous actress? Bow Chicka Bow Wow!

Church: Shut up!

Tucker: Bow chickachicka bow wow chickachicka bow wow etc.

Church: (while Tucker is saying last) Shut up. Shut up. Shut UP!

Hunting time (Episode 59)

Sarge: Donut, you're going out of turn.

Donut: I thought I went after Simmons.

Sarge: No, we go in line. It goes you, then me, then Simmons, then back down to me, then you, then me, then me, then Simmons, then me, then me, then Simmons, me... me, Simmons, you, Simmons, me, me, me, Simmons, you... me..., then me again. It makes perfect sense!

Simmons: But doesn't that mean you go twice as much... or ten times as much?

Sarge: [Fires sniper rifle at Grif] This is the best game since Grifball.

Grif: I'm not coming down!

Sarge: Hey Grif, move back and forth like one of those ducks at the carnival! [Takes another shot at Grif, who ducks] No, don't duck, that makes you harder to hit. Act like a duck!

Simmons: Wait a minute, that was my turn!

Sarge: This is the lightning round!

Simmons: Who's in the lightning rou-

Sarge: Me

Grif: Alright! fuck this i'm coming down. (Sarge shoots him at him again) OW! I SAID I'M COMING DOWN!!!

Sarge: Ha-ha, BUZZER-BEATER! Take that you stupid duck!

Church: Hey Andy.... ANDY!

Andy: Hey, look who's back: The Dickhead!

Church: Hey, up yours.

Andy: You back for another beating? It must be Ass-Kick o'clock!

Church: Where's that big alien thing?

Andy: I dunno. Last time I saw him he was half-way up your ass!

Tex: Alright, screw it. You guys get behind me, and stay tight.

Tucker: [very quickly] Bow Chicka Bow Wow.

Tex: Never mind, Tucker's in front.

Tucker: Eh, it was worth it.

Church: Hey, why didn't you bring that glowing thing?

Tucker: No way! I'd rather have a gun.

Church: But I've got a gun.

Tucker: What are you gonna do? Shoot him with ghost bullets?

Church: Okay, yeah. I guess that's a good point.

Tucker: "Hi, I'm Casper, the friendly bullet!"

—

(Tucker spots the Alien)

Tucker: There it is!

Church: Jesus RUN!! (All three of them keep shooting their guns at the wall while they run away)

Tex: Crap!

Tucker: Oh my GOD OH MY GOD! I'M GOING TO DIE! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?!

Church: RUN!

Tucker: Women and children last. (They run past Caboose)

Caboose: Did we win?

Tucker: Yeah Caboose we won! This is our victory lap!

Andy: (jokingly) Hey come back, I think you're making him tired! (laughing)

Fight or fright (Episode 60)

[The Reds discuss the sighting of the Tank]

Simmons: I'm telling you it was here! It drove by while you were talking, you had your back turned and it went zoom right behind you!

Donut: Well it really sounded like, (Starts to make a bad impersonation of the tank, along with some fake screaming).

Simmons: That's not the important part of the story, Donut!

Sarge: (sarcastically) Sure, Simmons, I believe you. You saw an enormous tank that appeared miraculously, and then just as quickly disappeared. And you're the only one that can see it. Just like signs of Donut's heterosexuality!

Simmons: No I'm not! Donut saw it!

Donut: Yeah!

Sarge: Donut's impressionable. He'd agree with anything you said.

Donut: Yeah!

Sarge: Aw hell, he'd eat a spoonful of dirt if you told him it tasted like chocolate!

Donut: *gasp!* That's not true!

Sarge: Heh heh, so that's where you draw the line?

Donut: No, I mean, it's not true that dirt tastes like chocolate.. right?, seriously right?

Simmons: Okay, well Grif saw it too, we all saw it!

Grif: (lying) I don't know what you are talking about, I didn't see a damn thing.

Simmons: What?

[The Blues discuss sending in Caboose to talk with the Alien]

Church: Well, think about it. While our Ambassador here is either being a) eaten by the alien, or b) digested by the alien, you and I can sneak back in and get our bodies.

Caboose: I would make an excellent Ambidasdor, (looks at Tucker) because I am very shy!

Tucker: Get away from me freak!

Church: You know, if that word's too hard to pronounce, you can just call yourself bait.

Church: You know, we could've taken that alien out if I'd have hit him just a few more times.

Tucker: A few more times? How about one time?

Church: Well, I think I landed at least two or three shots.

Tucker: Yeah, right.

Tex: You didn't hit anything but the wall.

Church: How the hell would you know? You were running straight backwards.

Tex: This is a long range weapon, okay? I need distance to use it effectively.

Tucker: Where were you planning on shooting him from? The fucking moon? If you'd have backed up any further, you woulda had to mail him the bullets!

Fair competition (Episode 61)

Simmons: Maybe that stupid tank was just a figment of my imagination.

Sheila: I don't think so.

Simmons: Shut up you ruin my life!

[Caboose suggests a name for the Alien]

Caboose: I think I will call him... Crunchbite!

Andy: Naah, that's a stupid name.

Caboose: Well I think it's better than your suggestion...Crouchasaurous.

*Church and Tex walk over*

Church: Caboose who are you talking to— HOLY SHIT!!!

Alien: BLARG!

Caboose: Stop he is my friend, he's not going to it eat anybody.

Andy: Yeah says you stink too much to eat.

Caboose: He has not tried to bite me, at all-

Alien: Blargh.

Caboose: ...since he bit me the first time.

Andy: Yeah, that was hilarious!

Caboose: I think "blarg" means me. Or...apples. Guys Apples must be the name of his cat! Quick, quick is Apples stuck in a tree? I will call the fire department!

Caboose: I think he might be saying things telepathically. I just heard something in my head.

Church: What? What was it?

Caboose: It was a voice saying "Blargh blargh blargh blargh!"

Lost in triangulation (Episode 62)

[The Blues are talking about finding a translator]:

Tucker: Ooo-kay. Church... is trying to get a TRANSLATOR. So that WE can TALK to EACH OTHER.

Church:: Tucker, the enormous alien doesn't speak our language. Speaking slowly is not gonna help.

Tucker: What? I'm talking to Caboose.

Church: Oh.

Caboose: [camera pans to reveal Caboose] I don't understand. Are-are-are you hungry? Tucker, are you hungry? Are you cold?

Tucker: What? No.

Caboose: Do you need a blanket? Tucker, do you want some hot dogs in a blanket?

Tucker: Damn it, no, Caboose! I'm NOT cold, I don't want a hot dog, and if you put mustard in my fucking sheets again, I'm gonna kill you!

[Caboose decides on another name for the Alien]

Caboose: Okay gargantuan alien, now that we have decided to keep you, you need a real name. I vote for Fluffy.

Tucker: Fluffy?

Caboose: Fluffy! The alien that only loves!

[The Blues are trying to find out the Alien's name]

Tucker: He's got to have a name! Why don't we just ask him? Hey Alien dude, what's your name? Naaame. I am Tucker. This is Church. That's Bitch-pants McCrabby.

Tex: Hey!

Tucker: Well, that's what we call you.

Caboose: Not me. I call you Mrs.McCrabby

Tex: Thanks.

Tex: Has it occured to you that his name might be Honk-honk?

Church: What kinda name is Honk-honk?

[The Blues are trying to understand the Alien]

Church: Alien, does blarg mean yes?

Alien: Blarg.

Church: Holy shit! Blarg means yes. He just said yes. Blarg means yes. I speak alien!

Tex: Yeah..unless blarg means no. In which case, he just said no. Blarg does not mean yes.

Church: What?! No way. Hey Alien, am I right?

Alien: Blarg.

Church: Haha, see? The FUCK do you know.

Simmons: No wait, monkeys...monkey pirates.

Shiela: Nope.

Simmons: From..Uranus.

Shiela: My logical data analysis sector indicates that would be highly unlikely, and my bullshit meter agrees.

Simmons: Man, I wish Grif was here. I could convince him there was food underground, and he would dig half a hole for me! Or maybe a third of a hole... then he'd use the shovel to eat oatmeal...... On second thought, I don't wish Grif was here.

The hard stop (Episode 63)

Donut: For unconfirmed Dutch-Irish, press 1 too, as in also.

Tucker: Church! Chuuuuurch! Hey, Church!

Church: I'm right behind you dumbass.

Tucker: Oh. Hey, Church, do you have a knife?

Church: No. That's a weapon, dude. Ask Tex.

Tucker: She said she had something to take care of. Girl stuff, I think.

Church: Huh? Like what?

Tucker: I don't know! I stopped asking questions after "girl stuff".

Church: What're you two guys doin'?

Tucker: We're gonna teach the Alien how to speak English.

Church: How're you gonna do that?

Tucker: People learn English all the time. It aren't that hard.

Church: Maybe you should try learning his language.

Tucker: Fuck that. We got here first, and that makes this a colony. Those're the rules, dude. Earth colony, Earth language.

Church: Tucker, there's thousands of languages spoken on Earth.

Tucker: Yeah, but only one that kicks ass. And that's the one we're teaching. English 101: remedial kick-ass.

Tex: Alright, bomb, we need to talk.

Andy: Heh hehhh heh heh heh, talk about what, Butch? Workin' on cars, and pickin' up chicks?

Tex: Excuse me, is that any way to talk to a lady?

Andy: A lady? Who're you kiddin'? I bet you got more balls than a roman candle.

Tex: (sighing) I knew this was a bad idea.

Andy: Hey, Tex, why you got black armor? Couldn't find any in flannel?

Tex: Listen jackass—

Andy: (laughing hysterically) Flannel!

Tex: I put you together, I can take you apart.

Andy: (stops laughing) Hey...whaddaya mean?

Tex: Bombs come with remote detonators, dumbass. And any time I want, I can just hit a button and you're just a memory. A very annoying, very insulting memory, but nonetheless a memory.

Andy: I think you're bluffin'. (under breath) ...Dyke.

Tex: Okay, strike two.

Andy: Alright. Whaddaya want?

Tex: Well, when I built you, I used parts from an old protocol robot.

Andy: Yeah sure, and you also used parts from some of your more personal devices.

Tex: Whoa—okay. Can you use those protocol parts and translate what this alien thing is saying?

Andy: Of course! But what's in it for me?

Tex: Let's put it this way: you don't push my buttons, and I don't push yours.

Andy: Alright, fine. But I'm not translating any of that touchy-feely crap!

Tex: Deal. Come on. [She starts to walk off.] Well, are you coming?

Andy: What am I gonna do, roll there? Pick me up, ya dumb bitch!

Tex: (exasperatedly) Great, I can tell this is starting off well.

Andy: Hey, Tex. I bet you haven't had your hands on a ball this big since your morning scratch! Ahahahahaheh, ahehahe- [Tex drops Andy with a resounding thud that shakes the screen.] Hey...aw, come on, Tex, baby, where ya goin'? It's just a joke between the two of us guys, come on! Laugh it off big guy, laugh it off! Haha, hey Tex, when you walk away I can see where ya tucked it! Haha!

Previous Commitments (Episode 64)

[Andy is acting as a translator for the alien]

Caboose: What is he [the alien] saying?

Andy: Listen guys, if want me to translate, you can't keep asking me every four seconds, "what's he sayin' now, Andy?" "what's he sayin' now?" I'm gonna tell you what he's sayin', that's my freakin' job!

Caboose: That's what he said? That's a pretty weird thing to say. Ok, tell him, sorry, I will stop saying...that. And...also...no.

Church: I think we need a translator just for Caboose.

Church: That thing that he's talkin' about must be that sword, and it's not broken—it's right there.

Alien: Argh blargh!

Andy: He says it only works with the hero who passes the trial of the windmill, and retrieves it from its resting place. For everyone else, it might as well be broken.

Tex: Uh oh.

Tucker: Trial? Please, I fell in a hole, that's not a trial. I'm startin' to like this culture though, any dude who trips is a hero. I'm pretty sure that makes Caboose God.

Church: This all sounds like bullshit to me.

Tex: No he's right. It didn't work for me, remember?

Church: Of course it didn't work for you, you're a girl. I mean, you can't even work the entertainment center back at the base. Doesn't mean the remote control is mythically attached to us.

Tex: Don't worry, Tucker. We're not sending you alone.

Tucker: You're coming with me, Tex?

Tex: Me? Hell no. This is the first thing you wimps have done that actually sounds dangerous.

Tucker: Well, I'm not going with Church. That guy's a worse fighter than I am.

Church: Well, you're in luck, then. Cause I'm not going either.

[Simmons is trying to make the Red Team jealous]

Grif: [to himself] Is that Simmons? [to Simmons who is standing on the cliff] Hey Simmons, why are you painted blue? Have you finally lost it?

Simmons: This isn't working, they don't care. Sheila just shoot at them.

Sheila: Firing main cannon. [Sheila fires at the Red Base]

Looking For Group (Episode 65)

Andy: [Translating for the Alien] After we cross the Burning Plains of Honka Hill, we're gonna reach the Freezing Plains of Blarganthia.

Caboose: The Burning Plains are next to the Freezing Plains? I bet there's some pretty wet plains in between.

[The Blues are about to embark on their quest]

Caboose: I hope we meet a cleric on the way. We don't have anyone who can heal.

Andy: He says he's a healer.

Caboose: Oh, good.

Andy: Not really. They eat their wounded. (starts laughing)

Caboose: (speaks slowly) Just like chiropractors!

Caboose: Ok, so, um, Tucker is the fighter, Crunchbite is the healer and I am the powerful.....and intelligent wizard, Morphumax.

Andy: What the hell does that make me?

Caboose': You're the good-looking and stealthy archer.

Andy: A bow and arrow? I don't have any arms, you frickin' moron!

Caboose: That is what makes you so stealthy. [turns away from Andy] This is going to be the best party ever.

Tucker: I'm gonna fuckin' die.

[Simmons has Sheila attack the Red base]

Sheila: Firing main cannon.

Simmons: Yeahah, take that! Suck it Blue- I mean Red! Suck it, Blue-uh, damn! Red! God, this is harder than I thought...

Grif: Hey Simmons, what the hell are you doing?

Simmons: What does it look like I'm doing, I'm attacking the Blue base—I mean, the Red base! Fuck!

[later]

Simmons: You told Sarge that there wasn't a tank. There it is, it's a tank!

Grif: Oh, you said listen to you, not agree with you. Yeah, I thought that joke was pretty funny, but now Donut's my manager and everything kinda sucks now.

Simmons: Well, too bad, 'cause this is what you get now, you dumb Blue bitch! Red bitch! Fuck, you know what I mean!

[later]

Sarge: Grif! What are you doing all the way over there! At least Simmons has the ingenuity to formulate a traitorous plan!

Simmons: Thank you, sir!...I mean, SUCK IT BLUE!...God dammit, I mean RED!

Sarge: But you're a slothful idiot! Treason takes effort! I never would've expected this from you.

Grif: Oh, up yours.

Sarge: What was that?

Grif: ...up yours, SIR.

Sarge: That's better!

Exploring Our Differences (Episode 66)

Church: Well, good luck guys. Don't forget to change your underwear at least once a day. Tucker, that goes double for you.

Tucker: What? I'm the cleanest guy here!

Church: No, it goes double for you because now you're in charge of changing Caboose as well.

Tucker: I hate you.

[Tucker notices Tex staring at the alien's crotch]

Tucker: Let me put it this way; I felt less threatened when Tex was staring at just the sword.

[Tex snaps out of her trance]

Tex: Whu-What? Oh, I was just admiring his... His alien... Muscle structure...

Tucker: Yeah, one particular part of his muscle structure...

Tex: Well, that's just a matter of penis- I mean opinion! Opinion... that's... what i meant.

Church: Smooth.

Caboose (horrified): You told me it was another arm...

Alien (happily): Blaaaaarrrrrggg!

Andy (laughing): Hey, Caboose, high five!

Caboose (disturbed): I don't want to do that anymore...

Tucker: What if I have to kill stuff, dude? I'm a lover not a fighter.

Church: Yeah Tucker, I'm the same way. That's why we get along so well, we're both just a couple of lovers.

(Short pause)

Tucker: That sounded kinda gay, dude.

Church: Yeah, it did... umm... I feel obligated to say something encouraging as your boss.

Tucker: Our captain died, you're just the guy pretending to be my boss.

Church: Y-you know in our given situation technically you could be seen as one of my employees.

Tucker: Except that I'm not.

Church: (sigh, frustrated) Whatever, listen I just- as... as someone in an employee-manager relationship...

Tucker: Which doesn't exist.

Church: (sighs)

Tucker: Why did you pull me aside again?

Church: I'm sure it was to say something inspiring or... something, but now I just don't care.

Church: You know, I have to say I'm a little surprised that you're not going with them.

Tex: Why? Quests are dangerous!

Church: Yeah but they usually have some kind of big reward at the end you know like some, big treasure chest or an entire room filled with gold and art. It's not really like you to pass up on something like that Tex. ...Tex? ...You're gone, aren't you.

(Church turns to see Tex is nowhere in sight)

Church: (sighs) I really shoulda seen that coming.

Simmons (aggressively): I said in the hole!

[Simmons pushes Grif into a hole he is using as a prison and Grif appears from a gravity lift behind him]

Simmons: WHOS A BAD HOSTAGE TAKER NOW BITCH!

Grif: I think I found a design flaw in your hole.

Setting a High Bar (Episode 67)

Alien: Honk

Andy: Yeah. I agree; Earth sucks!

Tucker: Earth does not suck, Earth rules! We invented the telephone.

Alien: Blargh blargh.

Andy: He says they invented the telephone too, and they did it a thousand years before you did!

Tucker: Oh, and what did they have to say on it? "Blargh blargh honk honk"? Who the fuck wants to hear that?

Donut: How's it going, Sarge?

Sarge: Well, Simmons has had Grif prisoner in there for far too long. He's probably subjecting him to all manner of unbearable torture. I figure in just a matter of hours, Grif's spirit will be as broken as his body, unable to cope with the never ending stimulation of pain and horror! ...But in answer to your question things are fine! Could be a little warmer, but I can't complain.

Getting All Misty (Episode 68)

Grif: [Off-screen] Simmons, I am having a blast going in and out of your hole!

Simmons: [Off-screen] Grif, just stay down there like you're told!

Donut: Well, that's my cue. Let's go!

Talk of the Town (Episode 69)

[The Blues reach the Freezing Plains]

Tucker: I'm tellin' you, the alien has really been creepin' me out lately. Every time I wake up, he's hovering over me. It's really weird.

Tex: I'm sure he's just safeguarding his sword. I mean, my sword.

Caboose: Maybe he just wants to steal your breath.

[Church drops off Donut and the unconscious Sarge and Grif]

Church: Okay Donut, wait until we're gone, and then you can wake 'em up.

Donut: Well, what do I tell them?

Church: I don't care, tell 'em you busted in and rescued them. Get yourself a medal. You deserve it.

Donut: I always did wanna be a hero... And a liar.

Church: Well then today's your lucky day.

Simmons: Help me get these guys in the hole.

Church: We have a hole? That's kick ass!

Sneaking In (Episode 70)

[Church finishes describing the Red team's members to Simmons]

Church: And last is the orange one, that's Grif. He's really lazy and really annoying.

Simmons: Yeah...

Church: But, at least he's smart. In fact, I think he might the smartest one of the bunch.

Simmons: You mean smarter than all of the ones there now.

Church: No, I mean all of them put together, man. There's this other guy who hangs around, in maroon armour... Well, I haven't seen him in a while, but he's a freakin' know-it-all, man. He acts like he's smart, but he's really not.

Simmons: What?

Church: Yeah, he walks around like he owns the place... Yeah, y'know, but nobody listens to him, and they always make fun of him behind his back.

Simmons (a slight quiver in his voice): What do they say?

Church: Oh, just how he's not good at stuff, and how he's dumb, and how the stuff he likes is dumb, and also how he's not as attractive as other people are...

Simmons (starting to cry): (sniff) Yeah, he sounds like a real jerk...

[Simmons runs off]

Church: Hey, where're ya going?

Simmons (off-screen; on the verge of tears): I have to use the bathroom...

Church: Well, hurry up, man, I have to finish orientation before you have to make me dinner.

Sheila: ...You do know that's Simmons, right?

Church: Oh yeah.

You Keep Using That Word (Episode 71)

Sheila: This isn't a parking lot, Church. This is a team! A family. Are we just supposed to forget everything we've been through?

Church: Right. Including the time you killed me.

Sheila: How about if I suddenly decided I wasn't the Blue Team's tank? What if, today, I'm feeling just a little bit Red?

Church: And you work- and you work with Blue Command?

Vic, Jr.: Oh, right dude. Good one, dude. Blue Command. [Winks] Wink!

Getting Debriefed (Episode 72)

Donut: Halt! Who goes there?

Simmons: Donut, it's me. (dressed in blue)

Donut: Oh, right, you. What do you want?

Simmons: I want to talk to Sarge, I just found out some info. Wait, why am I answering your questions?

Donut: I said hold it. (points gun at Simmons)

Simmons: What's your problem, Donut?

Donut: Sarge told me to not to let anyone in the base. And I'm pretty sure "anyone" includes the enemy.

Simmons: I'm not the enemy.

Donut: Oh please, you're dressed in blue. FYI there's kind of a theme around here. You're blue, I'm red.

Simmons: More like pink.

Donut: I have a gun.

Simmons: OK, OK, I only dressed like this to trick the Blues.

Donut: You helped the Blues.

Simmons: And fooled them.

Donut: You knocked Sarge out, twice.

Simmons: Once again Donut, to fool the Blues. And to work out some unresolved issues with father figures. But look, just go ask Sarge, he knows it's me. Hell, even Grif knows it's me.

Donut: Oh sure, Everyone knows who you are but me.

Simmons: No, the Blues don't know either.

(Shows Church and Sheila)

Church: Hey Shelia, where'd that Simmons guy go that was spying on us?

Sheila: I don't know. Why don't you go ask the new jeep.

(Back to Donut and Simmons [Still in blue armor] Sarge comes running up to Donut)

Sarge: What's all this ruckus?

Donut: There's an enemy trying to get into the base.

Sarge: Where?

Donut: Right there.

Sarge: Where? Behind Simmons?

Simmons: He means me sir.

Donut: Oh, Simmons, Why didn't you tell me it was you?

Simmons: Donut, I did tell you it was me.

Donut: Well you didn't say it was you, you just kept saying "I'm me".

Simmons: That's because I am me.

Donut: But you didn't say you were you. If you had said you were you instead of "I'm me", I would have known you were you. You just kept saying you were me.

Simmons: That's because I'm me.

Grif: And thus ends another meeting of the pronoun club. Same time next week everybody.

Simmons: Well now that we have that straightened out, I have some important information.

Sarge: I don't want to hear it, Blue.

Simmons: What, this is valuable information about the war.

Sarge: There is no such thing as valuable information, from a traitor!

Simmons: But sir, I only did that because no one would believe me about the tank.

Donut: Sarge, Simmons has issues with his father that he displaces on you.

Simmons: No Donut, that's why I punched Sarge in the face. I left the base because I wasn't fulfilling my undying need to please other people.

Sarge: Alright, enough! The next person who tells me about Simmons' feelings is getting court-martialled

Grif: Simmons likes to go in the bathroom and cry while he punches the mirror... Well, I'll go pack my bags. Nice working with you guys. Good luck with the Blues. It's been real.

Church: Oh, look who's back, the conquering heroes! What's up guys?

Tucker: Meh.

Church: Hey, where's Tex?

Tucker: Gone.

Church: Where's the alien?

Tucker: Dead.

Church: Well, how'd the quest go?

Tucker: Failed.

Church: Yeah, you know, I, I probably didn't even need to ask that last question, did I?

Church: Well, is Tex okay?

Tucker: She's fine. None of us are that lucky. She chased after Wyoming.

Church: Tex?

Tucker: Yeah.

Church: Wyoming?

Tucker: Yes.

Caboose: Massachusetts!

Tucker: Seriously, stop it.

Under the Weather (Episode 73)

Caboose: No, we came home because the alien died, and because the, uh, glowing sword turned out to be a, uh, glowing key.

Church: Yeah, glowing key that can still stab people.

Caboose: Right.

Church: So it is a sword, It just happens to function like a key in very specific situations.

Caboose: Or it's a key all the time, and when you stick it in people, it unlocks their death.

Church: God damn man, I would love to live in your world for about ten minutes.

Caboose: Yeah. I have a really good time.

Church: Ehehehyeah, it seems like it. You know I don't think I'd get anything done, but I probably wouldn't care that much.

Church: Hey, you don't think it's the sword that's makin' him sick, do you?

Caboose: I don't see how. It hasn't sneezed once.

Church: We don't know anything about it though. Maybe it runs on radiation and it's poisoning him.

Caboose: Or, maybe it runs on solar power!

Church: Why would solar power make him sick?

Caboose: Is he a Republican?

Tucker:(retches)

Church: That better have been in your bucket!

Caboose: I'll get the mop.

Church: Andy, what in the Hell happened to Tucker on this little adventure you guys took?

Andy: How should I know?

Caboose: He ate all my food, then just threw it up...could have just thrown it on the floor, and cut out the middle-man...

Church: Yeah, plus, now, he's moody as Hell. I went to ask him if he's feeling better and he practically bit my God-damn head off!

Caboose: I bet he just would have thrown up your head, later...and then you could just put it right back on, and it'd be fine.

Andy: He was fine on the trip. Maybe he's allergic to you. I know I get nauseous when I look at ya.

At an evil lair, somewhere nearby...

ring...ring...ring...

O'Malley: [still ringing] For the love of evil, someone get the phone!

Lopez: [Subtitled, with Lopez off-screen] [still ringing] Why don't you get it?

O'Malley: [still ringing] You fool, can't you see I'm busy with an evil plot! What do I pay you for?

Lopez: [Subtitled, with Lopez off-screen] [still ringing] To clean up after all your failed plots.

O'Malley: [still ringing] Oh shut up you fool, you don't even have a body!

Lopez: [Subtitled, with Lopez off-screen] [still ringing] Yes. Because of one of your failed plots.

Doc: [still ringing] Why all this bickering, can't we all just get along?

O'Malley: [still ringing] And answer the damn phone!

Lopez: [Subtitled, with Lopez off-screen] Why do we have a million doomsday devices and no answering machine?

O'Malley: [still ringing] I find you far too sarcastic with just a head.

...ring...ring...ring

Right To Remain Silenced (Episode 74)

Simmons: I don't recognize the authority of this court.

Sarge: No one cares what a convicted criminal thinks.

Grif: Who's the prosecution?

Sarge: Well, I am, of course.

Simmons: You're the judge and the prosecutor? That's a conflict of interest!

Sarge: I object to that as speculative. And I also sustain my own objection!

Grif: Well, if you're the judge and the DA, and I'm the defense, you know Donut's gonna wanna be the bailiff, and that means he's gonna wanna wear the cop uniform with the short shorts.

Simmons: Ugh, Officer Hot-pants.

Grif: Exactly. And I think we can all remember that dance routine from Sarge's birthday party.

[Cut to Grif and Simmons from the past looking at an enormous cake]

Simmons: Oh, my God, that cake is huge! It's big enough to fit a person in it.

Grif: Why does the cake smell like baby oil? Oh God, where's Donut?!

O'Malley: I haven't been here in quite some time. Which one is the blue base?

Doc: It's the blue one.

O'Malley: Oh, yes. They're really thinking outside the box with the design.

[Doc/O'Malley slowly approaching the blue base]

O'Malley: Hm... it's quiet. Too quiet.

[A sudden sniper rifle shot narrowly misses his head]

O'Malley: Now suddenly it's too loud. I preferred it when it was quiet.

Church: Alright Hold it right there!

Lopez: [Subtitled] I see someone now. I think he has a gun.

O'Malley: Yes, I see that. Thank you for keeping us informed... Moron.

Church: That was a warning shot, O'Malley. If you make any funny moves, the next one is going right in the middle of your visor.

Caboose: You think you can make that shot from here?

Church: Uhh, probably not since I was actually trying to hit him that time. I swear to God, I think someone fuck's with the sights on this thing when I'm not looking.

O'Malley: We want something from you, but we're not going to tell you what it is until we need it, HAHAHAHAHA!

Church: No way, I'm not agreeing to something without knowing what it is.

O'Malley: (Chuckling fiendishly) Oh yes you will. You will or else your little friend Tucker will die. Die a most horrible death. And you know his blood will be on your hands. Years from now you'll drive yourself mad wondering if there was anything you could have done to save him. So you will let me do what I want. You will agree even if what I want is something mysterious. What I want is something frightening! What I want is something PURE EVIL!(Laughs madly) I've also been told that a $20 co-pay is pretty much standard.

Church: All right. Fine.

O'Malley: Ah, you fool. And we want the $20 up-front!

Church: Fine!

O'Malley: And in cash.

Church: Whatever!

O'Malley: Ah, you moron! If you'd used a credit card you could have gotten airline miles, or at least a 30-day grace period with no interest. You fiscally irresponsible fools.

Church: Caboose, give me 20 dollars. Wait, give me 30 dollars.

Things Are Looking Down (Episode 75)

Church: Andy, this is Doc, Doc, this is Andy. Uh, Andy, Doc is here to help Tucker, and he's also our worst enemy, you know, besides the Reds, and Tex on certain days.

O'Malley: Well, thank you for introducing me to your bowling ball. Hello bowling ball.

Andy: Actually, I'm a bomb.

O'Malley: It can talk?

Andy: Why is it the first thing everybody says to me?!

O'Malley: A talking bomb you say? Hmm, I could use a fellow like you in my organisation, heh heh.

Church: Yeah, I should probably point out that Andy here was specifically designed to blow up and kill you.

O'Malley: I see... well, this is certainly awkward.

Andy: KABOOM!

O'Malley: [recoiling] Satan's bunions!

Andy: Ha ha ha! I was just kidding, I didn't really explode! heh heh!

Church: Ha ha ha ha. Good one.

O'Malley: Yes highly amusive.

Sarge: Lopez? Donut, where did you find him?

Donut: Right here.

Simmons: How were you two talking? Lopez, do you speak English now?

Lopez: No.

Caption: No.

Grif: Well, if he doesn't then why did he just say no in English? Busted.

Donut: I took four years of high school Spanish. That's the best way to learn any language.

Sarge: What've you two been talkin' about?

Donut: Oh, the usual Spanish fare. I told him my name, I asked him what his name was, I asked if he knew where the bathroom was, how much a ticket for the train costs, and I asked him for the cheque.

Lopez: Haga por favor que el hombre rosado para el hablando con mí.

Caption: Please make the pink one stop talking to me.

Sarge: Ask him where he's been - No, ask him where he's going - Wait, ask him if he has our secret plans. And if he missed me.

Donut: ¿Lopez, que es el tiempo?

Caption: Lopez, do you know what time it is?

Donut: Voy a ir a la playa con mi primo qui juega el tenis.

Caption: I am going to the beach with my cousin who likes to play tennis.

Donut: Yo comido un lápiz.

Caption: I ate a pencil.

Donut: Adios!

Lopez: ...

Caption: ...

Donut: Hmm, looks like he's not talkin', Sarge.

[Listening to the spanish recording from command]

Simmons: This guy sounds just like the guy the Blues were talking to; Vic Jr. I'll bet his kid's changed sides.

Sarge: Eggs Benedict Arnold! Those dirty traitors!

[Pause]

Sarge: No offence, Simmons.

Simmons: None taken, Sir.

Sarge: ...Traitor.

Simmons: God dammit!

Two For One (Episode 76)

Doc: Okay, everybody, I'm gonna give Tucker his physical now. Would either of you like to assist?

O'Malley: That's just a fancy way of saying "hold the vomit bucket". Muaheheheh!

Church: Uhh... Sorry, I'm busy.

Doc: Caboose?

Caboose: I can't.

Doc: Well, why not?

Caboose: Oh. Because... I am allergic to things I don't want to do... [Fakes coughing] ...Coughing.

Doc: Ok, just more fun for me.

Doc: Hey, guys? I've figured out what's wrong.

Church: What is it, Doc?

Doc: You're not gonna like the diagnosis.

O'Malley: Hmhmhmhm which is ironic, because I think it's absolutely delightful, muhahahaha.

Church: Just tell us, Doc. We can take it.

Doc: Your friend is -

Caboose: Dying? Oh, no!

Doc: No, he's not dying, he just has -

Caboose: No chance to live. I knew it!

Church: Caboose, one more interruption outta you, and he's gonna have two patients.

Doc: How do I say this, your friend is...

Church: Why are you pausing? Caboose is not gonna interrupt you this time.

Doc: No, that was just for dramatic effect. He's pregnant.

Caboose: Oh, good... Wait, what?

O'Malley: Hmhmhmhmhm, preggers, muahaha.

Church: All right, are we paying for this service, because, if we are, I want a refund. And if we're not, I want a refund

anyway.

Doc: No it's true. We found two heartbeats. So unless he has two hearts the only logical explanation is that he's pregnant. I think.

Church: (to Andy and Caboose) Alright, one of the two of you has some explaining to do.

Andy: (chuckles) Don't look at me! Tucker's not my type!

Caboose: Cha! Me neither. And, uh, maybe we should have the...doctor explain, uh, just how babies are made, y'know? Uh, in case someone...in the group, uh, may not exactly know how that happens...

Church: Oh my God, Caboose shut up. Andy, blow up. Doc, you're fired, get outta here. I'm gonna go shoot Tucker.

Caboose: Uh, I think I need to stay here and guaaaaard... this rock. From Tucker. Because I'm pretty sure that's how this whole thing started.

Church: Alright, what's wrong? You seem nervous.

Caboose: What if Tucker is contagious? I do not want to catch pregnancy!

Church: Hey! No one is pregnant! And seriously, Caboose, when I get done with this, we gotta have a little talk, man. There's a book I've got that we can read together.

Caboose: (short pause) I'd like that.

O'Malley: Maybe you can have the bowling ball fill you in on some of the basics, let me get you started. There's three holes. (short, maniacal laugh)

Doc: Oh, gross

O'Malley: I meant in the bowling ball!

[Sarge is sneaking up behind Caboose to try and steal Andy]

Sarge: [Grabs Andy and replaces him with Lopez] Yoink!

Caboose: Andy?

[Caboose looks around]

Caboose: ...Andy?

[He sees Lopez on the ground]

Caboose: What happened to you?

Lopez: Rapido, antes de les que se vuelvan. Cave un agujero y entiérreme. Por favor.

Caption: Quick, before they come back. Dig a hole and bury me. Please.

Caboose: Andy, you turned in to a real boy!

The Arrival (Episode 77)

Sarge: Regroup, men! Grif, start passing out additional ammo!

Grif: Uh...

Sarge: Simmons! Pass out the ammo you brought because you knew Grif would forget!

Simmons: [Simmons and Donut are arming their weapons] Already on it, sir!

Doc: It's true, your friend Tucker is pregnant. See, my little gizmo lights up green to indicate pregnancy.

Church: I thought it lights up green to indicate flesh wounds.

Doc: Yeah also that.

Church: And infectious diseases.

Doc: Hyeah, it lights up green for just about everything. It takes a while to figure out the difference. Like this green, [points to Church's head] indicates a high level of anger stemming from suppressed feelings of inadequacy.

Church: If that thing keeps talking bad about me, I'm gonna fucking smash it.

Doc: [points to Church's crotch] And this green means impotency. Oops, actually that green causes impotency. My bad, Church.

Church: Oh, that's okay. I wasn't using it anyway.

Tucker: Would this be a bad time to mention that my stomach just started hurting really bad?

Doc: Oh, boy. Caboose, you better go boil some water.

Caboose: How can you think of soup at a time like this?

Simmons: Hey Blues! Uhp, I mean, blue, we're only gonna give you one chance to surrender.

Church: Wha, why would I—[Sheila fires her cannon.] Hey, hold on a second, Sheila. Why would I Surrender?

[The Reds hide behind the rock and whisper something involving the word "sandwich".]

Simmons: Uh, because you're outnumbered.

Church: Bullshit, dude, I got a tank! People with tanks are never outnumbered!

[The Reds whisper again.]

Simmons: We also think that it's your turn to surrender.

Church: WHAT!?

Simmons: Well, if you recall, first you surrendered and you gave us Doc, then we surrendered and we gave you the jeep so that means—

Church: Sheila, shut him up.

[Sheila fires her cannon against the rock.]

Simmons: (quickly ducks behind rock) SON OF A BITCH!!!

Donut: Is that a no?!

Church: Okay, guys, I don't mean to be rude, but I've got a missing girlfriend, a guy who's pregnant, an idiot who thinks his pet just died, AND our worst enemy is hanging out unsupervised at our base right now. So I really, really, REALLY don't have time for this horse-shit right now!

[An akward silence ensues.]

Grif: ...Uh, what was that part about the pregnant guy?

Church: HE'S NOT PREGNANT! That's impossible.

Andy: Yeah, unless the Alien impregnated him. That's what they do; they infect the host with a parasitic embryo. But you already knew that, right?

Church: What? NO! Why didn't you tell us that could happen?!

Andy: Uhhh...I mean...uhhh—Alien baby?! Uh, that's shocking! I am just as shocked... as you are.

[Caboose contacts Church through the radio.]

Caboose: Come in, Church. Come in.

Church: Caboose, what did I tell you man?! You're not supposed to use the radio while O'Malley's here! Oh great. Now I'm on the radio too.

Caboose: Oh that—that's what I'm calling to tell you. Um, the Reds already used their radio and...O'Malley is gone.

Church: (aggrivated) Oh my God.

Sarge: That's right, Blue! We've called in the cavalry! As we speak, the glorious Red Command is sending a ship to aid us! No doubt it's a battle cruiser of the highest magnitude! It's time to end this thing once and for all!

[Back at Blue base, Tucker is grunting as Doc tends to him.]

Doc: Congratulations, it's a...thing? Eugh.

Alien Baby: Honk honk, HONK! HONNNNK!

Church: What. Was that.

Caboose: Oh, well that's the other thing I called about. Um...Tucker had his gross baby.

Tucker: It's not mine!

Church: (about to lose it) He is not PREGNANT!

Sarge: Donut! Get back here! Wait for the ship.

Donut: But Sarge, we don't know when the ship is gonna get here. It's coming all the way from Earth! That could take days, weeks, months or even years!

[A Pelican aircraft lands on top of Donut and the Reds look on blankly for a second.]

Simmons: Ship's here.

Grif: [Quickly] Shotgun.

Season 5

You Can't Park Here (Episode 78)

Church: Hey Doc, what the hell is going on in there?

Doc: Church, everything is fine. The patient is just resting,

Church: (listens to the crashing noises) Doesn't sound like he is resting.

Doc: That's not Tucker, that's our new arrival. He's got a lot of energy since his first feeding!

Church: Tucker...fed...the baby. Gross.

Doc: Actually, Caboose was kind enough to donate some blood. You know what they say: "it takes a village."

Church: How'd you get him to agree to that?

Doc: It's amazing what you can get Caboose to do when you promise him a cookie and a glass of orange juice.

Church: But he hates needles.

Doc: No needles. Turns out, if you just expose some bare skin, the little guy just digs right in! It's a miracle to see nature at work!

Caboose: (drunkenly) I feel dizzy...

Church: Uh, is he gonna be okay?

Doc: Tucker's kid drank half a gallon in one go. Isn't that cool? I think he's gonna be a linebacker. Or a vampire. Or a vampire linebacker! That'd be crazy.

Caboose: (looking around randomly) Oooooh...

Doc: Anyway, blood is pretty important, so Caboose is bound to have some side effects like dizziness, or nausea, or sensitivity to light -

Caboose: I think I'm going to stop standing up now... (collapses face-down on the floor)

Doc: Or passing out.

Caboose: (from floor) Church, if I die, I want you to have my orange juice...

Church: How can Tucker sleep with all that racket?

Doc: Sleeping? He's not sleeping, he's in a coma.

Church: Alright, that's it. Get out of the way Doc, I'll take care of this.

Caboose: (from floor) I can't feel my torso...

Doc: I don't think so. A newborn is really susceptible to infection, and disease, and cuddling! I want to expose it to as few people as possible.

Church: Doc, don't worry, I'm not going to give it a cold. I'm just gonna go in there, step on its neck, and shoot it in the head. 'Cause that's how I roll.

Doc: Well now you're definitely not coming in. I think we're going to send back your shower gift too.

Caboose: (from floor) I'm still laying here. Why won't anyone help me?

Church: I tell you what: I promise to wash my hands before I destroy the abomination of nature, okay?

Doc: Sorry.

Church: Doc, seriously, you can't keep me from going inside my own base.

Doc: Church, don't make me pull rank on you

Church: (incredulous) Rank - what the fuck - I outrank - you don't outrank me, I'm a captain!

Doc: No, you're a private with a dead captain. Last time I checked, that makes you a private...with a dead captain

Caboose: (from floor) My body...is trying to die.

Church: Okay fine, then we're both privates, you don't outrank me!

Doc: No, I'm Medical Super Private, First Class!

Church: That's not a real rank!

Doc: Yes it is!

Church: Since when?!

Doc: Uh, since I sent them a letter every day for four years requesting that promotion.

Church: They're promoting you for that!? You haven't used your weapon!

Doc: Leadership isn't about firing bullets or stabbing people, Church. Leadership is about telling other people to fire bullets and stab people.

Caboose: (from floor) If I've been bitten by it, does that mean I'm going to turn into one of them?

Church: Shut up Caboose.

Caboose: (from floor) Blaaarrrggg...

Church:: Shut up, Caboose.

Caboose: (from floor) Oh no, don't let me turn...

(a loud crash from outside as the Pelican lands)

Church: What the hell was that?!

Caboose: (from floor) I didn't feel anything...

Church: I'll be right back - don't feed any more of our soldiers to the alien!

Doc: Okay, but I can't make any promises.

Caboose: (from floor) Don't leave me with the horrible doctor...

Doc: Oh, shut up, Caboose.

Caboose: (from floor) Now he's cursing at me...

Sarge: Simmons, (coughing) status report.

Simmons: Um, an enormous thing just fell out of the sky, and landed on Donut, sir.

Sarge: Are there any other injuries?

Simmons: No, sir!

Sarge: You sure?

Simmons: I think so.

Sarge: Are you sure? No one accidentally got shot in the face when someone else's shotgun just accidentally went off during the incredible distraction of a spaceship crash landing, purely by coincidence?

Simmons: Uh, I don't kno-

Sarge: No one orange?

Grif: Ugh, I'm fine.

Simmons: Sorry, sir.

Sarge: Oh, dehrh. [examines his shotgun] I really need to adjust the sights on this thing.

Simmons: What about Private Donut Sir, there's no way he survived that. Poor Donut, I'll miss him like a sister

Sarge: I'll miss him like, well, like someone I knew, but then I don't really want to reflect on how deep our relationship went.

Simmons: Wait a second, do you hear that? Sounds like tapping.

Grif: All I hear is you guys talking about your feelings for Donut. And I have to say, I'm not really comfortable with that.

Simmons: Listen, there it is again.

Sarge: You're absolutely right. That sounds like Morris Code.

Simmons: Um, excuse me sir. It's actually not Morris Code, it's Morse code, sir.

Sarge: Morse, haha, that sounds ridiculous, I don't think so.

Simmons: Yes. Morse is the person who developed an international code for communicating without audio, Morris was a television cat that sold cat food.

Sarge: And that cat was one of our finest military minds. Don't you see, that mean Donut is alive and trying to contact us.. Now, get to tappin'.

Simmons: Maybe we can lift the ship off him somehow.

Sarge: Great idea, Simmons! I've read reports that people can get enormous strength in stressful situations. There was woman that lifted a car off her baby.

Grif: You want me to call Donut's mother?

Sarge: Don't make me angry Grif, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry. Now if there was only some way to tap into our inner rage...like that Hulk fella. Doggonnit, there's never any Gamma Radiation around when you need it.

Simmons: What if we try getting into the ship, and lowering the landing gear? That might raise the ship.

Sarge: Or we could build an army of clones that could lift the ship.

Simmons: I think the jack in the warthog might be able to lift it.

Sarge: We could develop a machine that shrinks the ship, or that makes Donut gigantic, or both.

Simmons: Or we could try digging underneath the hull.

Sarge: I've got it! A levitation ray! I think I have a spare in the base! I'll be right back.

Simmons: But sir!

Sarge: Simmons this is no time to chat about your crackpot theories! I'll get the levitation ray! This is a crisis situation, time to save the day, with science! [Sarge gets into the Warthog and drives off]

Grif: Sigh...Sarge just drove away with our jack, didn't he?

Simmons: And our shovels. Sometimes I'm amazed our entire platoon hasn't starved to death.

Church: What the fuck are you guys doing out here, breaking the canyon?

Grif: (scoffing) Fuck off, Blue! A ship just crashed on one of our guys.

Church: What, this ship?

Simmons: (irritated) No, another ship. Then that ship left, and this ship crashed in the exact same spot.

Church: Where'd it come from?

Grif: (condescending) It's a spaceship. It came from space.

Church: ... ... ... (calmly) Dibs.

Simmons: (surprised) What?

Church: Dibs. I just called dibs. This is my ship now. Dibs.

Simmons: (arguing) No, it isn't, jackass! We found it first!

Church: (assured) Yeah, but you didn't call dibs. I did. Dibs. See?

Grif: (arguing) You can't call dibs on a spaceship! That's ridiculous!

Simmons: (agreeing) Yeah!

Church: (rebuttal) Yes, I can! Dibs! See? I just did it again! Now, get the fuck away from my ship, Tomato Can!

Simmons: (angrily through his clenched teeth) Don't call me 'Tomato Can'!

Grif: (challenging) Try and take it, then!

Church: Um... Ok... (Turns to Sheila.) ...Sheila?

Sheila: (Aiming her turret at Grif and Simmons.) You bet!

Grif: (upset) Fuck!

Church: (assured) You forgot about that too, didn't you?

Simmons: (defeated) Yeah, kinda.

Sheila: Now, step away from the ship, Tomato Can.

Grif: (taunting) Ha-ha, 'Tomato Can'!

Sheila: You too, Lemon Head.

Grif: (pissed) Hey, I'm orange, not yellow!

Sheila: [laughs]

Got Your Back (Episode 79)

Church: What's that tapping? Sounds like Morris code!

Simmons: [sighs] Morse...

Church: Sheila, if he corrects me again, please make him blow up.

Sheila: Heh heh heh... sounds like fun!

Church: Well, what does it say?

Grif: It says "tap tap tap." We don't know!

Simmons: We were trying to translate it when you showed up and interrupted us!

Church: No, when I interrupted you, you were standing around and doing nothing. Just like the last 50 times I interrupted you guys... Oh, wait, wait, wait, listen... it says... [tap] "Red..." [tap] "sucks..." [tap tap] "balls!" Hey, hey! Look, my new ship can talk! And it knows things! That's a good ship!

Simmons: I think there's something wrong with the tank.

Grif: Yeah, I noticed

Simmons: I got an idea.

Grif: Whoa, hold on a second, before you get too deep into this, let me remind you that we don't exactly have a good track record when it comes our plans and that tank.

Simmons: Come on, Grif. I think it's malfunctioning.

Grif: Well, there's only one part that has to function to turn me into a cloud of orange mist.

Sarge: Bad news, men, I couldn't find that levitation ray. But I did find the remote control to - HEY!! What's going on out here?! What do you think you're doing, you lousy Blue?

Church: I'm just trying to figure out what's up with this spaceship out here.

Sarge: Dibs!

Simmons and Grif: Too late...

Sarge: DAG NABBIT! Why do I ever leave you two to guard ANYTHING? EVERYBODY knows about the international "dibs" protocol! And the no take backs accord!

Church: Caboose, where's Doc?

Caboose: (still lying on the ground) Doc left. Took the baby for a walk. It's growing up so fast. Seems like just yesterday he was born.

Church: Well actually, that's because he was born today. Like, an hour ago.

Caboose: We need to cherish these times. I wish I knew how to scrapbook.

Church: Where's Tucker?

Caboose: Still in a coma.

Church: Great. Tucker's out, Sheila's on the fritz, and now Doc is babysitting. Caboose, if we survive the next five minutes, I'll be fuckin' amazed.

Caboose: I'm fine, by the way. Don't worry about me... [pause] I'm so cold...

Baby Steps (Episode 80)

Church: Hey Doc, we've got problems man, I need to call command....Hello? Earth to Doc. I mean, this place to Doc

Doc: Don't you want to say hello to our new friend?

Church: What?

Jr: Honk?

Church: I don't... I c- I can't, I can't I don't, this is-

Doc: Take your time. This is a big moment.

Jr: Blarg.

Church: I don't have time for this right now

Jr: Honk.

Church: Shut up you're disgusting

Church: Doc, what is Vic's number?

Doc: What for?

Church: For reinforcements. Wait, unless you've had, like, specialized combat training in the last ten minutes?

Doc: Uh, nope.

Church: Then, yeah, reinforcements.

Doc: Well, I did just change a dirty diaper.

Church: That doesn't count.

Doc: I don't know, it was a real doozy... Number 2.

Church: Doc, Focus! Vic's number, what is it?!

Doc: C'mon, Church! Everybody remembers Vic's number! Didn't he ever teach you the song?

Church: Oh, right. Vic's jingle

Doc: "If you want to talk, don't e-mail, and don't you click-click-click-click, just call me up at 555-V-I-C-K!"

Church: You know, it probably would've been more memorable if it rhymed...or if his name actually ended with a "K".

Church: Hey, shut up. I'm on the phone.

Junior: Honk!

Church: And do me a favor, kill that fucking thing, would you?

Junior: Blarg.

Vic: Hey dude.

Church: Vic, hey. This is Church. I need -

Vic: This is Vic at 555-V-I-C-K diddly-do. I'm not in the casito right now so leave your lowdown at the ding dong. Hasta.

Church: Hey Vic, this is Church. I need to-

Voice Mail: You have reached the voice mail system.

Church: [sighs] Okay, okay, come on.

Voice Mail: To leave a message, just wait for the tone.

Church: I know how to leave a goddamn message.

Voice Mail: When you are finished recording, just hang up or press pound for more options.

Church: Really. Hang up. No shit. I was just gonna keep talking until he decided check his voice mail.

Voice Mail: For delivery options, press five.

Church: Just give me the damn beep!

Voice Mail: To leave a call back number, press eight. To page this person, press six,-

Church: Come on!

Voice Mail: To repeat this message, press nine.

Church: I will fucking stab you, computer-phone-lady!

Voice Mail: To mark this message as urgent, press eleven.

Church: THERE IS NO ELEVEN, YOU FUCKING WHORE!

Doc: Oooh language.

Sibling Arrivalries (Episode 81)

Voice Mail: To hear these options in Spanish, press dos.

Church: I HATE YOUUU!

[Voice Mail beeps]

Church: Vic, it's Church. I need -

Voice Mail: I'm sorry, but this person's voicemail box is full.

Church: Urgh... I'm gonna kill myself, I'm gonna fucking kill myself.

Church: Doc, we are royally screwed. Half our team is down -

Doc: No, it's not. Look! Caboose is already back in action!

Caboose: [wanders out of Blue base] I'm okay! I'm okay! [falls down] I'm not okay!

Doc: He's fine.

Caboose: Also, I see a big ship. Now I know I'm hallucinating!

Church: Oh, and I forgot that part. The Reds also have an enormous ship that was sent by their Command. Probably has a huge fucking weapon on it. Like a nuke, or a biological weapon that's gonna melt our skin, or a genetic weapon that's gonna make everyone in blue armour sterile. [pauses] Awesome.

Church: Doc, I don't think this situation could get much worse. I mean the ship is bad enough, but god knows what kind of reinforcements they have on that thing! It could be a whole new squad, or a freelancer, or -

[Scene cuts to the Reds]

Simmons: Grif's Sister?!

Sister: Yeah! Isn't it cool?

The Grif Reaper (Episode 82)

Church: See him there? Right there? The yellow one.

Caboose: [aiming sniper rifle] The one next to Simmons. That's Grif.

Church: The other yellow one. Dumbass.

Caboose: Oh, that new yellow person - oh, yes, of course, yes. Ah... he looks very scary, yes, and I know that because I'm looking right at him, right now, yes, he's yellow, yes, this is very interesting.

Church: [sighs] You don't even see him do you?

Caboose: Yeah, I - I don't even know how to use this thing.

Church: Yellow armor? What does yellow armor mean? Is it like some kinda... special ops guy, or... man, this can't be good for us.

Caboose: What if it's a new gun?

Church: What?! Why am I even talking to you? It's a person! In yellow armor! We already established that!

Caboose: Oh. Uh, maybe they got their own medic!

Church: A medic? Caboose, we are not that lucky.

[elsewhere in the gulch]

Doc: See? My suit is purple. Can you say purple? Pur..

Junior: Honk...

Doc: ...ple!

Junior: Honk!

Doc: Great! Once we learn all the colors, we'll learn why you shouldn't judge people by them.

[back atop Blue base]

Church: Yeah, that guy is definitely some kind of special forces. He's probably trained in...knives or...ball-kicking or something.

Caboose: Maybe he's an alien!

Church: An alien that looks just like the rest of us!?

Caboose: And that is the scariest kind of alien.

Church: Why are you even here? It would be easier for me to just call random people on the phone and talk to them about this. They would understand the situation better!

Tucker: Blulululula. BluluLULUla.

Church: Well, look who's awake.

Tucker: What the fuck happened?

Caboose: Well, as you may remember, you were impregnated by an alien visitor who was on a noble mission to save his entire species from-

Tucker: Can I get the short version, please?

Church: Yeah. Ya got knocked up, ya got knocked out.

Tucker: Oh yeah. I gotta start working out. Lose this baby weight.

Caboose: Yeah, you know we- we should all start working out, you know especially some of us.

Tucker: Yeah, some of us seem to have let ourselves go more than others.

Church: Are you guys talking about me?

Caboose: We, ah, didn't want to say anything.

Tucker: Yeah. That's why we said something...fatty!

Church: Hey, back off guys! I've been under a lot of stress. I've been carrying this whole fucking team.

Tucker: Where did you carry us, to the buffet?

Caboose: He said it.

Tucker: What are you guys doing up here, anyway? And what's that huge thing?

Caboose: That's Church.

Church: He means the ship, Caboose!!

Caboose: He said it.

Grif: I don't know, Sarge. If command was wrong about you being dead, couldn't they be wrong about other stuff too? Like what if the Blues don't suck? [gasp] What if the Blues are awesome?! This changes everything!

[At Sarge's funeral]

Sarge: But I was so young! And violent!

Grif: And that's what makes this so tragic.

In Memoriam (Episode 83)

Grif: But seriously, Sarge lived a great life. And now that he's dead, our lives are pretty good too. Zing! Hahaha! You know what I'm talking about!

Sarge: C'mon, is this a remembrance or a roast?

Grif: Quiet in the front row. And I'm not askin', and he's not tellin', but I heard when Donut first came to the base, Sarge spent a lot of time talking about "glazed donut holes" if ya know what I mean. Hey-oh!

Simmons: Too soon!

Grif: And who could forget the time Sarge showed us all how to field strip Simmons-

Simmons: Okay that's enough, I said five minutes Grif.

Grif: Bye everybody, I'll be appearing at the laugh cavern every Tuesday. Ladies drink free.

Grif's Sister: WOOO-HOOO!

Grif: Not you!

Sister: Aw...

Simmons: Okay, whatever. Get off! Hi everyone, I'm here to say a few words about our friend, Sarge.

Grif: Boo, you suck!

Simmons: Grif, get off the stage!

Grif: Oh, sorry (leaves)

Simmons: Okay, like I was saying, I'm here to say a few words about Sarge.

Grif: (shouting) Boo! You suck!

Grif: Sarge, is, is he campaigning for your job at your funeral? Classic.

Sister: Hey, everybody, I'm new here, and I didn't know Sergeant very well, but he was really old, and that's gross.

Grif: Haha, I wrote that line!

Simmons: Grif, let other people have the spotlight for once

Sister: Anyway, when you're old and gross, you're probably going to die, and that's kind of sad. But when you think about it, all your friends are probably dead, too. And if they're not, then they're definitely old, and knowing old people is even sadder than being dead. So, anyway, whatever. Peace out.

Grif: Ooh, ooh, ooh, can I go again? I just thought of a swear word that rhymes with Kentucky!

Strong Male Figure (Episode 84)

Church: So, this is it, Tucker. This is your little monstrosity. Your little abomination of nature.

Tucker: Uh, what do I do?

Church: Why are you asking me?

Tucker: I don't know how to be a dad! This isn't the way I planned it!

Church: You planned this? Tucker, I had no idea.

Tucker: No, I mean I always wanted to have the ideal father-son relationship. You know, where I see him for like eight hours every week and send checks to some woman I hate.

Caboose: It's emotional conversations like this that make me miss my mom.

Simmons: But girls can't be color blind!

Sister: Yeah? Well they say girls can't ejaculate either, but guess what?

Grif: Yeah! Wait, what?!

Caboose: Ask him if he likes baseball.

Church: It's an alien baby, Caboose.

Caboose: Ask him if he likes t-ball.

Church: Alien, Caboose. Alien was the key word in that sentence.

Tucker: Seriously, don't go. I don't even know where to start.

Church: Tucker, he's part of an alien race whose only purpose seems to be to tell huge, grandiose lies to people so that they can seduce them and impregnate them. So let's start with that. You know, common ground.

Tucker: Yeah, I think I'll just stick to baseball.

Caboose: Tell him about how his dad got to third base with you!

Church: (annoyed) Caboose!

Donut: Ohhh, what happened? Where am I? Oh, maybe they know. [walks toward prone figures] But it might be rude to wake them up. I'll just wait here awhile. [pause, starts humming randomly to himself]

Grif: We didn't even use a coffin! We just threw a bunch of dirt on him!

Simmons: No, I threw a bunch of dirt on him. You two only pretended to help and made a bunch of digging noises with your mouth!

Grif: You know that trick?

Sister: I learned from the best.

Simmons: Well, as your new commander, you're both going to learn a little discipline. And we're gonna start by running laps around the base. Sister, you can do girly laps.

Grif: You mean after we dig up Sarge.

Simmons: No,[switches to shotgun] I mean right now, Grif.

Sister: What are girly laps?

Grif: Simmons, I don't think Sarge is going to like you picking up his shotgun.

Simmons: [pumps shotgun off screen]

Grif: And I really don't think he's going to like you threatening me with it. Well, okay. He might like that part.

Simmons: As the new leader, what I say goes. So everyone needs to start running right now.

Grif: But what about Sarge?

Simmons: You heard what command said. Sarge is dead. He died of... what'd he die of?

Sister: Aspirin overdose.

Simmons: See, Sarge is dead of... an Aspirin overdose? Really?

Sister: I know, I didn't think it was possible! Trust me, I've tried.

Simmons: Yeah... wait, what?

Grif: Simmons, don't be stupid. He's not dead, he's just lying underground covered in dirt!

Sister: Seriously, what the fuck are girly laps?!

Yellow Fever (Episode 85)

Simmons: Oh, my God, what's wrong with you? Why didn't you tell us you were a Blue?

Sister: Because -

Simmons: And don't say because nobody asked!

Sister: But nobody did ask!

Simmons: God damn it.

Grif: So what if she is a blue? We'll still keep her.

Simmons: We can't do that! She's on the other team, she'll kill us in our sleep if we keep her!

Sister: Do I get to do that? 'Cause that would be awesome!

Grif: No she wouldn't! Besides, she's color blind! We'll just tell her we're blues!

Simmons: Uh, hello? We already told her we're red. Idiot.

Grif: Yeah? Well she's fucking dumb, too. Hey, we're blue now.

Sister: Woo-hoo! Go Blue! Let's win!

Grif: See?

Church: Yeah, this is bullshit.

Tucker: Ask for something else.

Church: Uh, we want something else!

Grif: What? I'm releasing a hostage! You don't negotiate up from there!

Tucker: Got any money?

Grif: Fuck you, dude! [turns to his sister] Get going. Call me if you have any problems. And don't go near any reds from now on. I'll try to keep our team distracted so they won't attack you. Whatever you do, don't embarrass the family. Think of mom.

Sister: Don't do me any favors, bitch.

Church: What else was on the ship?

Grif: What do you mean?

Church: Y'know like guns or weapons...

Tucker: Or snacks! [To Church] Dude I'm just asking 'cause I know you want it too.

Grif: Nope, just the girl! Sorry, there weren't any more aliens for you guys to fuck!

Tucker: That's okay, we can still fuck this one!

Sister: Woo-hoo!

Grif: God damn it! Never mind, just send her back!

Church: No take backs!

Grif: Oh, what the fuck?!

Simmons: [runs up] Oh my God, Grif, he's gone!

Grif: Who's gone?

Simmons: Sarge, he's missing! I dug up his grave and he's not in there!

Grif: What? Did you dig in the right spot?

Simmons: Oh, you're right. Maybe I dug up one of the other fresh graves that we just made. I didn't fucking think of that!

Grif: Oh, calm down.

Simmons: Don't tell me to be calm, we're down two men now! Well, at least we still have the blue prisoner we can use as leverage. Hey, what are you doing out here in the middle of the canyon?

Grif: Uh, nothing. So, that Sarge thing's pretty crazy.

Simmons: Hey, is that your sister over there with the blues? [as Grif slowly leaves] What's she doing over there? Why are they all high fiving? Are they making a cheerleading pyramid? Wow, they're really tossing her high in the air. Grif? Grif? Hey where'd he go?

Church: Dude, I've had about all the cross-species babies I can take for a while. The last thing I need is a junior Caboose running around with a 130 millimeter cannon for a head. Your little devil spawn is enough for me.

Tucker: Don't talk about my kid like that!

Church: What's your deal?

Tucker: I don't know, I think I'm kind of getting into this whole parenting thing. I caught myself looking at minivans the other day. [shudders] Ugh!

Grif: Yeah, okay. You're a Blue.

Sister: Touchdown! Woo-hoo! Go Blue!

Grif: No, I mean we're Red, but you're Blue. That means you gotta get out of here before Simmons digs up Sarge.

Sister: I love digging. I wanna help!

Grif: No, you're leaving.

Sister: Where am I going?

Grif: The other base.

Sister: The Red base?

Grif: No, the Blue base.

Sister: We have two bases? Awesome!

Grif: Move!

Church: Oh, what, the Reds are giving us prisoners now? Dude, that sounds like bullshit, I smell a trap.

Tucker: Reds aren't that smart.

Church: Okay, normally I would agree with that, but this is the orange one, he's pretty crafty. He's a lot like me.

Tucker: Like you? Shit. Then do I have time to put in my earplugs and hide all our food?

Church: Up yours, dickhead.

Church: I know. I figure Doc's mechanic skills are probably about as bad as his first aid skills. He's either gonna fix her by accident, or make her completely inoperable, and then I can go down there and figure out what's really goin' on. Either way, I win. Oh, he might also get blown up by her, that's also good.

Doc: [talking to Sheila the tank] Yeah, maybe yoga lessons weren't such a good idea after all. Let's try some deep breathing. In through the air filter, out through the manifold. In through the air filter, out through the manifold. [Shelia points her turret at his head] Okay, why don't we try some aversion therapy? Think about something that makes you really angry that isn't me.

Sheila: Sure. [aims across the gulch, straight at Church far away who sees her taking aim at him throught the sniper rifle]

Church: Uhhh, yeah... I don't feel as good about my plan as I used to.

Brass Tacks (Episode 86)

Church: Well, uh, welcome to the blue team. I guess we should probably give you some kind of orientation or something like that. So, this is the, uh, this is the base here. It's the outside of the base, inside's on the inside, you go through that door right there, to the inside. Um, there's a ramp over here. There's another one on the other side. It's kinda smaller. Does the same thing, though. Uh, it's got a basement. There's a middle part and there's a top part. Got some, you know, blue flags here... on the outside. Those come in handy when... you're trying to identify the color of the base. It's blue. Anyway, that pretty much covers the base. So, anyway, uh, that's it.

Sister: Cool.

Church: I'm Church. I'm the leader. Everybody looks up to me. Pretty much the only rule for rookies on the blue team is don't kill the leader. That's me.

Sister: That's it?

Church: That's it.

Sister: Sounds easy.

Church: Yeah, well... we're still waiting for someone to follow that rule. So anyway, tell me about yourself. What's your training?

Sister: Training?

Church: Yeah, what have you been told so far?

Sister: Oh, right. That's the base, and you're the leader, and I shouldn't kill you. Ever. [Pause] Did I pass?

Church: No, I mean what kind of military training do you have? Uhh, Weapons?

Sister: Uhh those sound violent.

Church: Operations?

Sister: I don't even know how that works.

Church: Communications?

Sister: Say What?!

Church: Intelligence?

Sister: Uhhh... Huh?

Church: Oh, great...

Sister: Yeah, sorry, doesn't sound like I have the skills you need. Unless you want to see my ping-pong ball trick.

Church: Yeah... Wait, what?

[Grif and Simmons are running through the canyon]

Grif: Slow down!

Simmons: There's no time! Sarge is gone! I was digging a hole, and I kept digging, but there was no Sarge! And finally I dug deep enough, and I found another hole!

Grif: You dug a hole and found a hole. Isn't that what a hole is?

Simmons: No, no, I mean a hole at the bottom! It opened into some kind of big cavern.

Grif: [stops] A cavern? A cavern like a cave? Like a cave with bats?

Simmons: [stops] I don't know, why? Are you afraid of bats or something?

Grif: Afraid of bats? No! Why would I be afraid of bats? And why would you even ask that question? Were there bats or something? That's kind of a weird thing to ask just for no reason.

Simmons: I didn't see any bats, okay?

Grif: Did you hear any bats?

Simmons: No!

Grif: Did you smell any bats?

Simmons: I don't know what bats smell like!

Grif: And let's hope you never find out. Is it getting dark? We should get inside.

Simmons: It hasn't gotten dark here in three fucking years, asshole.

Church: And this is Tucker.

Tucker: Sup.

Sister: Hey.

Church: Tucker's job is to do... what... I guess nothing.

Tucker: I'm just chillin'. That's the only rule on blue team, rookie. Be cool.

Sister: I thought the only rule was don't kill the leader?

Tucker: Yeah, but we break that rule all the time. That's what makes us so cool.

Sister: Awesome. On the red team, they break that rule-

Alien Baby: Blarg.

Sister: Oh cool! You have a dog?

Tucker: Uh, that's not a dog. That's my kid.

Sister: Oh, cool! You have a kid that looks like a dog?

Church: Nice save. Hey, you know what? I think I have the perfect tour guide for you. Hey Caboose! Come here!

Sister: I thought about having a kid once.

Tucker: Oh, really? It's a lot of work.

Sister: Yeah, it seems like it would be hard. But I thought, you know, who wants to be known as the girl who's had seven abortions?

Tucker: Heh, yeah... Wait, what?

Church: Alright, this is Caboose. He can tell you everything you possibly need to know about blue base.

Caboose: [whispering] Is she a mean girl, or a regular girl?

Church: Caboose, what did I tell you?

Caboose: That there are no regular girls.

Church: Exactly. Alright just stick with him, ask him any questions you have, and don't bother me or tucker.

Caboose: What do I tell her?

Sister: Well, I already know the rule.

Caboose: I hate that stupid rule!

Tucker: Go show her Doc and Sheila.

Caboose: The purple one is Doc, and the big one is Sheila.

Church: You know, I was really wishing that would take longer. And further away.

Sister: Who's the black one?

Church: The black one?

Sister: Yeah, the one in the black armor! The one standing right behind you guys.

Caboose: The black one! Yeah. [pause] Wait, what?

The Nesting Theory (Episode 87)

Grif: Yup, that's the hole all right.

Simmons: That's what I told you!

Grif: Huh. And Sarge's body is gone.

Simmons: Right. I think he fell through that hole into the cavern.

Grif: Maybe he just disappeared. Dead things do that when you bury them. That's part of the circle of life, you know. It's a miracle when you think about it. No reason to go randomly exploring caves which may or may not contain hundreds of evil bats. That would just be interfering with God's divine plan!

Simmons: Okay, A: Sarge wasn't dead. B: Decomposing takes months, not minutes. C: His armor would still be here, and D: Shut up, you're going down there. NOW.

Grif: Why? What do we really need Sarge for anyway? All he ever did was yell at us a bunch and tell us we suck. We'll just split up his duties. You yell at me and I'll tell you you suck.

Simmons: Shut up and get in the hole, Grif!

Grif: You suck, Simmons. Oh man, this new system is already working out great! We should have thought of this years ago!

Simmons: Grif, don't you understand that because we lost Sister, we're horribly outnumbered? We already lost Donut and Sarge. Now it's four on two! The blues are probably gearing up for an enormous attack right now! At any moment they're going to come over that hill, guns blazing, yelling "CHAAAARGE!"

[cut to Blue base with gun fire and explosions in the background]

Church: RETREAT!

Tucker: Ahh!

Caboose: Sprinting! Sprinting! Oh, crap!

Sister: Who is that?

Tucker: That's Tex.

Sister: Whoa! He's a badass!

Caboose: [catches a bullet in the helmet] Ow.

Sister: He's kinda hot.

Tucker: Tex isn't a guy; she's a girl.

Sister: Ohh, sorry, she is a badass. She's kinda hot.

Tucker: [as they take cover behind the base] She's actually Church's ex-girlfriend.

Sister: Oh, yeah? Why aren't you guys dating anymore? [Tex throws another grenade at them which explodes nearby]

Church: Are you seriously asking that question right now?

Caboose: The last time I was shot I got a purple heart. Yeah, I hope this time I get a purple lung. You see, eventually I hope to build an entire purple person. And we will be best friends.

Tucker: Maybe you should ask for a purple brain.

Caboose: You're just jealous 'cause you have no friends.

Tucker: Why is she shooting at us?

Church: How do I know? And why are you acting like this is unusual?

Tucker: Well, go out there and tell her to stop!

Church: Yeah... I'll get right on that.

Sister: Aren't you like, the leader, or something?

Church: Uh, yeah, Sister, I am the leader, which is why I am officially appointing you our field negotiator.

Sister: Awesome!

Church: Yes, congratulations, we're all very proud of you. Your first job is to get Tex to stop firing at us.

Sister: Cool. [stands up] Hey Tex! Stop shooting, you stupid bitch!

Tucker: Nice negotiating. [Tex stops shooting]

Church: She stopped firing. I think that actually worked. Maybe she's out of ammo. Let me check.

Church: [stands up, and promptly gets shot in the head by a sniper round] Nope, she still has ammo.

Tucker: Nice recon work.

Church: I'm gonna go get my body back.

Tucker: Yeah, good idea.

Grif: Aaaaaaaah! [Grif falls, flailing and screaming, into a large cave. Simmons gracefully lands behind him]

Simmons: Ta da!

Grif: [stands up] Ugh. You didn't have to push.

Simmons: Yeah, I didn't have to, but it sure was fun. I got a cool screenshot from my visor of you flailing, too. Guess who has a new desktop wallpaper! This guy.

Church: Hey, Tucker, is my body on straight?

Tucker: Dude, I don't even know what that means.

Tex: Freeze! Nobody move!

Tucker: We were already not moving. You could've just said "everyone keep doing what your not doing."

Tex: Shut up!

Tucker: Whatever.

Church: Tex, what is your problem?

Tex: My problem is that O'Malley isn't in Doc anymore. He's jumped into somebody new, and I'm not trusting anyone 'til I find out who.

Church: Yeah, we already know we're on top of the situation.

Tex: You are, then who did O'Malley jump into.

Church: Oh yeah I meant-I meant we were on top of everything until that point.

Tex: Typical..

Sister: Who's O'Malley?

Tucker: Ah, its just some computer program that wants to destroy the universe. He infects people from time to time but, its no big deal.

Sister: Sounds scary.

Tucker: Oh, it's all good, baby. I'll protect you.

Sister: Yeah, that's what the last guy said and now I can't stop scratching

Tucker: Okay, never mind.

Church: None of us are infected, Tex, but I'm a little worried about the tank, she's been acting a little weird lately. Can an AI be planted on... [pauses] Tex?

Tex: Who's the girl?

Church: What? Who, Sister? Oh, she's just a new recruit.

Tex: You mean to tell me that I'm only gone a few weeks, and you guys get yourself a new girl?

Church: Oh... um...

Tucker: Whoa. Tread lightly, dude, tread... lightly.

Caboose: You know, I wasn't actually scared, until right just now.

Spelunked (Episode 88)

Church: Oh, this is not gonna work out well for us.

Tucker: Dude, are you kidding? We finally have two girls on our team! You know what that means!

Caboose: Yeah! Co-ed softball team! I'm gonna go get my baseball racquet.

Church: Tucker, I know what you're thinking, and it's not gonna happen.

Tucker: Oh, why not?

Church: Because girls can't share anything. Not even an apartment. Every time girls live together, within six months they all hate each other, and somebody gets stuck with a $1200 phone bill. That's fact.

Tucker: Ah, let them fight. As long as we get to watch them making up who cares? We can even record it and sell copies to the Reds!

Sarge: Stupid Grif and Simmons. Can't even build a regulation grave! What did we bring all those drills for! So, this is the afterlife, huh? Heh, not too impressive if you ask me. This place is a wreck! Who's in charge here, anyway? Need to get me a couple of marine angels, get this place spick and span in no time! You know, now that I think about it, I don't seem to remember much about underground caves in the Bible. Not even in that new Bible they rewrote in 2040, with that big chase scene and that weird cameo by Ben Stiller. That guy's a nut. Wait a minute, afterlife? Underground cave? What if this isn't heaven? What if it's... no, it couldn't be! Could it? [Donut walks up]

Donut: Oh, hey, Sarge! What are you doing down here?

Sarge: It is! Oh, it is!

Sarge: Nooooo! Moan...

Donut: It's been crazy down here, Sarge.

Sarge: Nooo...

Donut: You wouldn't believe all the stuff I found!

Sarge: Sorrowful sounds! Pleas for forgiveness!

Donut: Sarge, keep it down!

Sarge: I have sinned!

Donut: We don't want them to hear you!

Sarge: Donut! Don't interrupt my resentful moaning! If I want God to forgive me, I need to be as miserable as possible. He loves that stuff.

Donut: This isn't hell, Sarge! And you're not dead!

Sarge: Repent! Repent!

Donut: Come on, Sarge, be quiet. I've been exploring down here and I found some really crazy stuff. Look!

Sarge: Why, that crazy fort looks like a Blue base! And just when I thought hell couldn't get any worse.

Donut: Yeah, but look at that!

Sarge: What in the hell is that thing?

Donut: I don't know, but it sure looks a lot like the motorcycle I found in the cave upstairs!

Sarge: Donut, why didn't you report this?

Donut: I couldn't! My radio broke when I fell! [radio turns on]

Simmons: [on the radio] Hello, Sarge? Are you there?

Sarge: Hello, is that you, Simmons?

Donut: No, I'm Do-nut. Did you get amnesia from your fall or something?

Sarge: Shut up, Donut!

Donut: Uh, okay.

Simmons: [on the radio] Sarge, we're down in the cave with you. Are you okay? Please tell me you're okay!

Sarge: Fine, what's your location.

Donut: I'm standing right here, next to you.

Sarge: Shut up!

Simmons: [On the radio] We're looking for you right now. This place is huge! Grif is with me and we're up on top of some sort of peninsular outcropping.

Sarge: Uh, you're on top of Grif's what?

Donut: Grif isn't anywhere around here.

Sarge: Donut, I told you to be quiet!

Donut: Well stop asking me stuff, then!

Simmons: [On the radio] No, we're on a peninsular ledge trying to find you.

Sarge: Roger that, I've got Donut. Sit tight and we'll find you.

Simmons: [cut to Grif and Simmons] Roger that, Simmons out.

Grif: Dude, what was all that stuff about your penis ruler?

Donut: Sarge, I don't think you realize just how big this place is! There's no landmarks or anything! Just one rock after another that all look the same. Finding them will be like finding a needle in a haystack!

Sarge: They said they were standing on some kind of a penis ni-

Donut: I know where that is! Let's go!

The Haystack (Episode 89)

Sarge: The Blues never sleep! They're too busy plotting to destroy our way of life! That's how you can always spot a Blue, Donut. They're always the ones conniving and scheming. Sometimes they do both! I call that... schenniving!

Donut: And you know what else? You can also tell they're Blue because of their Blue armor!

Sarge: Yeah, that too. You know, at first I thought this cave was pretty dismal. But it's amazing how a couple of Blue corpses can spruce up the place! Make it feel like home.

Donut: Yeah, we could hang a couple of drapes, get some wicker chairs! Oh, this place will be fantastic!

Tucker: No way! I'm a lover, not a sneaker!

Doc: That's your response to everything.

Tucker: What can I tell you? I'm a lover, not a thinker.

Grif: I heard something that time!

Simmons: You didn't hear anything! [dripping sound]

Grif: There! Did you hear that?

Simmons: Yes, I heard water dripping.

Grif: Sounds like bats!

Simmons: Bats aren't made of liquid. Bats don't drip!

Grif: Bat Water!

Simmons: There are no bats!

Grif: You don't know, what if you're wrong?

Simmons: Okay, idiot, let's assume I'm wrong. Let's assume there are bats. So what? You're wearing state of the art, biomechanical body armor. It's designed to deflect bullets and absorb explosions. What can a five ounce flying rodent possibly do? [Pause]

Grif: So basically you're saying that you think there's bats!

Simmons: Sure. Why not?

Grif: I'm getting the heck out of here!

Simmons: No you're not, Grif, we're standing right here. I told Sarge we wouldn't move, and we're not moving.

Grif: At least let's go stand by the light!

Simmons: No, that would be moving, and thus would violate our strict no moving policy.

Grif: But the light would -

Simmons: No.

Grif: - help us see the bats -

Simmons: No.

Grif: - and their fangs!

Simmons: No!

Grif: Hey, you know what else might be in the cave, Simmons? Snakes.

Simmons: You're an idiot, Grif. Why would you bring up snakes?

Grif: Well, I'm just saying I know you don't like snakes, and snakes do live in caves, and we are in a cave, and snakes like to crawl right up next to people in caves, and then they -

Simmons: All right, screw it. I'm gonna go stand by the light.

Church: If only we knew somebody Sheila trusted. And it would have to be someone kind of dumb. So we could fool them into betraying that trust... for our purposes... [Tucker and Church turn to Caboose]

Caboose: Hey... Everyone is looking at me... I love when they do that! Hi, everybody!

Doc: I talked to Sheila, and you guys were right. She definitely seems a little odd.

Church: Yup. So what do you think?

Doc: I... think she seems like there's something wrong.

Church: That's your diagnosis? That's why we sent you down there, man! Because we knew something was wrong!

Doc: I'm a medic, what do you want from me?

Church: How 'bout fixing her?

Doc: Surprisingly, my medical training didn't really cover internal combustion.

Church: What a shitty medical school.

Tucker: Yeah, where'd you go, the University of Jamaica?

Doc: Oh please, I wouldn't be caught dead on that campus. I went to Jamaica State! We were the Jamaica State Fighting Irish!

Church: That's Notre Dame.

Doc: Well, since we're international, we don't really have to adhere to the stringent U.S. copyright laws, so -

Church: Never mind. Just go back down there and see if you can reboot Sheila.

Doc: Reboot her?

Tucker: Yeah, dude, that's how you fix broken stuff. You turn her off, and you turn her back on again. She'll be fine.

Doc: I don't think that'll work.

Church: Uh, pardon me, it works great. We already rebooted the toaster, we rebooted the teleporter -

Tucker: Yeah, I still don't know if that think has got all the bugs worked out.

Church: We even rebooted Caboose's armor once. Although that took a lot longer to come back online than we thought it would.

Caboose: It was dark and I got to hold my breath. I'm pretty sure there was no side effects.

Sarge: It's just that I can't shake this feeling that we're beeeeeeeeeeing watched! [spins around] Ha! Gotcha! Oh, son of a...

Donut: Um... That was pretty dramatic.

Sarge: Yeah, it usually works better if there's somebody standing there. Kind of like this! [spins around] Damn it! I'm usually not wrong about this kind of thing! [spins around] Hello! [grumbles unintelligbly]

Donut: Do you have a good sixth sense?

Sarge: No, stupid! Sensor activated proximity radar! It's standard issue! Guess I need to get mine calibrated. [turns] Hey, what the heck is that thing?

Grif: If we're in a cave, why are there lights down here?

Simmons: [voice slows down] That's a pretty good point, Grif.

Grif: What the... [Grif sees a large glowing pink dart is imbedded in Simmons neck] Are you okay?

Simmons: Yeah, why do you ask?

Grif: Huh. You got a pink thing on you.

Simmons: [voice slows more] Huh? Like a snake? Get it off. [collapses]

Grif: Simmons? Simmons? [turns] Huh? [another dart flys into his neck] Ow. [Nine more darts shoot into him] Ow! [a dart flys into his crotch] [voice slows]Oh hey, look, bat people. Please don't eat me, bat people... [collapses]

Terms and Provisions (Episode 90)

Doc: Hey, who's the yellow soldier?

Tucker: That's just Sister. She's new.

Doc: No one told me about a new arrival! I'm supposed to examine everyone before they assume active duty!

Tucker: Don't sweat it, I already checked her out for you. Diagnosis: F-I-N-E. [pause] That spells fine.

Doc: Thanks, but I think a trained medical professional should be the one to-

Tucker: I'm a doctor! A doctor of love. PhD. Certified in Love-ology. General Harrastitioner. Sexacologist.

Doc: First of all, love is not an officially recognized medical specialty, and also, PhDs? Ha! Not really doctors!

Tucker: Dude, you're a dork.

Sister: Hey.

Tucker: What's up, Sis? What'd you and Tex talk about?

Sister: Uh, she was just talking about everyone here, how you're all idiots and jerks, but you guys are her idiots and jerks, that if I tried to become more popular than her she would talk about me behind my back and turn everyone against me, and then I would cry and everybody would hate me. You know, girl stuff!

Tucker: Cool. Oh hey, speaking of girl stuff, this is Doc.

Sister: Hi!

Doc: Uh, hello, nice to meet you, I'm the medic, and if it's all right with you I need to give you a quick physical examination since you're new. Do you want to come in the base where you might feel more comfortable taking off all your clothes?

Sister: Sure. Lead the way. See ya, Tucker.

Tucker: ...What the fuck just happened?

Church: Just smooth talk her!

Caboose: Uh, I don't know how to do that.

Church: Just tell her she's pretty! Or that she's got that new tank smell, or something. Complement her treads, it doesn't matter!

Caboose: I don't know...

Church: It's easy! Look, here, just practice on Tex. She's... womanish.

Tex: Pardon me?

Church: Do you want Caboose to run decoy for you, or do you want to try this on your own? [Sheila fires a blast into the canyon wall]

Tex: [Pause] I see your point.

Church: Go ahead.

Caboose: Hello... Tex... [Tucker runs up]

Tucker: Dude, you will not believe what Doc just pulled off!

Church: Shut up, Tucker, don't interrupt.

Tucker: Interrupt what?

Caboose: Tex... I think you are pretty... and you haven't hurt my body in a long time, so I was hoping that we could talk and be friends maybe and hold hands and you would go with me, and when you went with me you would be my real girlfriend.

Tex: [Forced] I think that would be... nice, Caboose. We should definitely... [sigh] do that.

Tucker: What the hell? Tex, have you gone crazy? If you wanna get with somebody, get with me! The love doctor! I'm a real man! I will rock your fucking world! [Tex looks to Church]

Church: Hey, don't look at me. He's not part of the plan. [Tex smashes Tucker's face with her rifle]

Tucker: Ow! What is going on around here?

Caboose: I don't think I'm going to use Tucker's "rock your world" line. I think I'm gonna stick with my own material.

[Simmons is lying on the ground]

Donut: Sarge, I found Simmons. He's over here, sleeping on the job.

Simmons: Donut, I'm not sleeping, I was drugged!

Donut: Sorry, Sarge. He's not sleeping. He's doing drugs! [Simmons gets up]

Simmons: Shut up, Donut, I'm not doing drugs, we were attacked! Ah, they must have used some sort of tranquilizer on me and... Grif? Where's Grif?

Donut: Maybe he's out scoring you junkies some more drugs!

Simmons: They must have taken him!

Sarge: Who would take Grif? Garbage collectors?

Simmons: The people who ambushed us! We have to find him! Luckily, I implanted a tracking chip in his armor. I wanted to be able to find him when it was time to work. I should be able to lock onto his signal in just a few seconds...

Sarge: A few seconds? That sounds entirely hopeless! Well, Grif, we'll miss you. You were a good soldier. Using the widest possible definition of good... and soldier.

Simmons: I've got a signal!

Sarge: He's probably a million miles away by now!

Simmons: Actually, he's only a tenth of a mile away.

Sarge: But who knows what direction!

Simmons: That direction.

Sarge: Exactly. We did our best, Simmons. Let's head back to base and call for a replacement troop. Where's my shotgun?

Simmons: I don't see it anywhere. I guess they took it when they took Grif.

Sarge: Ugh. What direction did you say?

Simmons: That way, sir.

Sarge: Come on, let's go.

Church: So Caboose is going to be up front talking to her, and while he's got her distracted, you sneak around the back, access the panel, and shut her down.

Tex: Okay. I'll do it. [Pause]

Church: What, that's it? You will? No bargaining? No ridiculous demands?

Tex: No. I'm trying to find O'Malley and his friend. In a way, you guys are helping me. If anyone should be making demands, it should be you.

Church: Oh, well in that case-

Tex: Forget it. Deal's done.

Church: Dammit.

Caboose: Um, how should I distract Sheila?

Church: Just talk to her! Keep her attention, that's it.

Caboose: I... don't know, we kinda have a history... uh, she may not want to talk to me.

Church: So? Tex and I have a rough history. Doesn't mean we can't be professional and hold a conversation.

Tex: I wouldn't exactly call them conversations.

Church: Ugh, get off my back, woman, can't you see I'm working here?

Tex: Please! You call this working?

Caboose: See, uh, this is exactly what could happen with me and Sheila, only with more getting shot by tanks.

Church: Caboose, if that happened, I'm sure the shell would just bounce off you and land on me somehow.

Church: Well, I suppose I should figure out a way to get Tex to reboot Sheila. Man, I'm gonna have to call in a lot of favors for this one.

Tucker: What favors could you possibly have stored up with someone who dumped you?

Church: She didn't dump me, Tucker, it was mutual.

Tucker: Mutual in what way? Mutual in the sense that you were both single the moment after she dumped you?

Church: Yeah. That way. C'mon, Caboose. Let's go explain the plan to Tex. Wish us luck.

Tucker: Yeah right. Hey, when she kills you, I'm gonna sell your armor to that pink guy on the red team. I hear he's in the market.

Missed Direction (Episode 91)

Tucker: Junior? Junior? Hey Junior? Where did you go?

Junior: Honk!

Tucker: There you are!

Junior: Honk!

Tucker: You little rascal.

Junior: [quietly and high-pitched] Honk!

Doc: Okay, Sister. Any other conditions I should know about?

Sister: Umm, Let's see... You know about all the ways I'm contagious...

Tucker: Hey, what's going on here?

Sister: Oh! I'm color-blind!

Doc: Really? That's weird, but I don't think it'll cause any problems here. Okay, go ahead and bend over.

Sister: Sure. Like this?

Doc: Wow! Yeah! You're really limber and in a really great shape.

Sister: Yeah I am!

Doc: I'm not gonna play against you in Twister.

Sister: Check this out!

Doc: Wowsers! I didn't even know a leg could bend that far. That is a leg, right? Okay. Oh and by the way, sorry if my hands are cold.

Sister: That's cool. Sorry if my body is a little hot.

Tucker: [standing behind a corner] Hey, do you guys need any help in there?

Sister: Is someone spying on us? Yes! Hot!

Doc: No, we're good! Hey Sister? You want me to turn up the heat or something? You look like you're...

Sister: Eh, I'll be okay. Hard nipples won't kill you.

Tucker: I could just walk around this corner, if you need me to. Wouldn't be a problem.

Doc: We got it! Hey, sorry I got you all wet before. I didn't even know how that bucket of baby oil got up on that shelf. That was weird.

Sister: That's okay. I think it will actually help. Squeezing these puppies into the armor could be a little difficult.

Tucker: Maybe I should just look in there and see if there's anything I can do.

Doc: No thanks, Tucker. Maybe they need your help with the tank instead. You'll probably be a lot more valuable out there. What we're doing in here is pretty routine. Hey are you double-jointed?

Sister: Yeah.

Tucker: [sarcastic] Great!

Junior: Honk!

Tucker: Don't rub it in.

Junior: [in an apologetic manner] blarg.

Simmons: Come on. Grif should be right over here.

Donut: Don't listen to him, Sarge! He's just trying to score more drugs to keep his habit alive! Remember last month, when he asked for money? It was for drugs!

Sarge: That was part of the budgetary meeting, Donut! He needed more funds for vehicle maintenance.

Donut: Enabler!

Simmons: I see something.

Sarge: Ah, there's my shotgun! Mission accomplished! Excellent work, men. Let's hang up a banner.

Simmons: There's Grif.

Sarge: Oh right, and Grif... Excellent- somethin'-or-other... He[Grif moaning]-w-why do I even bother?

Grif: [Weak] What happened? What did you do to me?

Simmons: We got knocked-the fuck-out out! And the people who did it must've taken you.

Grif: Oh, right. They kept asking me questions... They wanted information...

Sarge: Information? What did the-

Simmons: Woah, woah, they wanted information and they took you!? Why wouldn't they take me?

Sarge: What did they look like?

Simmons: Sarge, please. I was right there next to you. If they needed information, why would they take you instead of me?

Grif: What, are you jealous? Jesus..

Simmons: No. I think if you're gonna drug and torture people, you don't need to insult their intelligence too. That's just mean.

Grif: Yeah, you're jealous.

Sarge: Besides, takin' all the fun out of interrogating.

Sheila: Luckily, I know where Omega is.

Caboose: You do? Where?

Sheila: He is inside [Tex deactivates Sheila, and her voice fizzles out]

Tex: Got it!

Caboose: ...who is "bloooore?"

Where Credit is Due (Episode 92)

[Tex and Church are discussing transferring Sheila's AI from the tank to the ship]

Tex: If we set up a hard-line, yeah, I bet we could do it.

[Tucker comes running out of the base]

Tucker: CHURCH, WAIT!

Church: Huh?

Tucker: Church, hold on a second, I've got something to tell you!

Church: Tucker, what? What is it?

Tucker: I just wanted to say... I got a hard-line Tex can use. Bow chicka bow wow.

Tex: How did you even hear that?

Tucker: Phh, I'm like Superman, I know when I'm needed.

Sarge: Shake it off you big orange baby, what happened to you?

Donut: He's been chasing the dragon.

Simmons: Donut, shut up, he was drugged just like me.

Donut: That's what I'm saying! He fell off the wagon, and shook hands with the Devil!

Simmons: Shut up!

Donut: He's been ridin' the wave, and trippin' the technicolor dreamscape. Far out, man. Druggie loser.

Simmons: Will, you, stop, Donut! All you're doing with your stupid anti-drug lingo is making me actually want to try drugs.

Donut: Choose life, Simmons. Choose it.

Grif: Wait a second- I can prove I'm not crazy, 'cause of the bomb. The bomb!

Simmons: Yeah, that's a good way to prove you aren't insane. Just start screaming "the bomb, the bomb."

Sarge: Sounds like we've stumbled across something totally diabolical! Good work uncovering the plot, Simmons.

Simmons: Thank you, sir.

Grif: Simmons!? I just told you everything!

Sarge: But Simmons was the one that led us to you after he stealthily avoided capture.

Grif: Avoided capture!? They knocked him out first and picked me at random!

Sarge: Yes. A randomness that Simmons used to save the day!

Grif: He had nothing to do with that!

Sarge: But it was Simmons that found the underground cave.

Grif: By trying to bury you alive!

Sarge: A tactic that was clearly multi-layered. Once again Simmons' treasonous insurrection proves to be the glue that holds this unit together.

Simmons: Just wait 'til you hear about my upcoming assassination attempt.

Sarge: Oh, don't spoil it!

Simmons: Sarge, I'm not sure Grif knows what he's talking about.

Sarge: Grif don't know what he's talking about, eh? Stop the fucking presses.

Biting the Hand (Episode 93)

Church: You can't just show up here and start bossing people around, Tex. Bossing people around is my job. I put in the time.

Tex: I had to leave. I found Wyoming.

Church: Yeah, Tucker told me. What happened?

Tex: I filetracked him back to O'Malley, but by the time that York and I got there... (interrupted by Church)

Church: York? Your old freelancer buddy? Was Carolina with him?

Tex: She was already dead.

Caboose: And what about Bermuda?

Church: That's not a state dumbass!

Caboose: Portland?

Church: Shut up!

Tex: But he still had Delta.

Church: Delta? The AI? How? I thought they took them... Wait a minute, wait a minute... How was he even still alive? Aren't we hundreds of years in the future?

Tex: I thought it was because of his armour. You know all the freelancer suits had some kind of enhancement.

Church: Right! Like your invisibility.

Caboose: And horrible meanness.

Church: No dude, that's all natural.

Tex: York's was some kind of healing mechanism. It would help him recover from wounds in battle. I thought it might have kept him alive all these years. But after I found Wyoming, I knocked him out and downloaded logs from his helmet. There's something going on, Church, with a lot of people working against us.

Church: Well, what did Wyoming say when he woke up?

Tex: He didn't. Before I could interrogate him, he teleported away. One second he was there and the next he was gone.

Caboose: What about the second after that?

Tex: Can I kill him, please?

Church: No, I'm saving him in case we ever need him for food. So... Wyoming's armor lets him teleport.

Tex: I don't think so. I think someone grabbed him from somewhere else.

Church: How's that possible? The only technology I know that could do that is... (pause) Wait a minute... Each freelancer had enhanced suit of armour and AI, right?

Tex: Right.

Caboose: Right....

Church: Your armour was invisibility, and your A.I. was Omega?

Tex: Right.

Caboose: Wrong. Oops, missed that one! Could we go back?

Church: Who was Wyoming's AI?

Tex: Gamma.

Church: (Sigh) I got to make a phone call.

[Telephone rings]

Gary: Hello.

Church: Hello, this is Church, Gary. Or should I call you Gamma? Have you been lying to us?

Gary: Lying is such a shisno concept. I mean human concept.

Church: You're a computer, I thought computers can`t lie.

Gary: They can if they are programmed to lie.

Church: Were you programmed to lie?

Gary: (pause) ...No.

Church: God damn it!

Gary: I have to go, Church.

Church: Wait! What about the aliens? How do we... (interupted by Gary)

Gary: Goodbye.

Wyoming: Do they know?

Gary: It is nothing to worry about. We are close to the end. We will not be stopped now.

Wyoming: We should get going. Hop in.

(the radio communication is on)

Vic: Hello! Ringy-ding. Blue Base, come in. Hello.

Church: Wha? Hello? Vic, is that you?

Vic: Hey dude, how's it going? Been a while since we spoke.

Church: Why're you calling me?

Vic: Everything been going good, yeah that's great, listen don't have much time to talk. Ah... Been discussing things here at Blue Command. We think everything is bad and... now is the time to attack the red base. Turns out the red troops are up to no good and someone needs to kill them. A good way to do that might be to send some people to the caves. Yeah... Take them by surprise. Anyway, can't talk gotta go see you hasta la vista.

Church: Wait. [agitated] Why do people keep hanging up on me?!!

In the caves.

Sarge: Oh! Whats all this business?

Simmons: It looks like a bunch of computer equipments, Sir.

Sarge: Excellent analysis, Simmons

Donut: And it's attached to some kind of TV thing.

Sarge: So it is... Astute deduction, Donut.

Grif: It shows all different parts of the canyon. Look, there's our base!

Sarge: Ah... yes. Another incredible observation from the 'Stating the Obvious Department'. Thanks for nothing, numbnuts.

(Sigh from Grif)

Sarge: Simmons, Donut, you two stay here. Grif's going to continue to help look for Andy.

Grif: Fine. (sigh) I hate my job.

Donut: Look, there's my room! And the locker room! And there's the showers! Man, so many good memories.

Simmons: I hope this thing isn't connected to the Internet.

Sarge: Ah... The Blues must have set this up! Crafty devils! Spying on us all along. What's all that?

Simmons: Looks like the blue base!

Sarge: Why would the Blues spy on themselves?

Simmons: Maybe the Blues didn't set this up. Someone else might have.

Sarge: Or maybe the Blues are so incredibly arrogant, they just want to see themselves on TV. Or I bet they have those stupid liberal legal time laws. Blue commie bastards.

Simmons: What if all this technology is just left over from an ancient civilization that was way more advanced than us?

Donut: Wait a minute. How could an ANCIENT civilization be MORE advanced? If they were so advanced, where did they go?

Simmons: They could have mysteriosly disappeared! Only leaving behind a legacy of enigmatic technology...

Donut:(turning to Simmons) That's gay!

Simmons: Let's finish this fight later.

Sarge: Look! What's that?

Simmons:(surprised) That looks like Sister's armour!

Donut: Oh no! What happened to her?

Sarge: Clearly she's been disintegrated!

Donut: Why would they do that?

Simmons: We can't tell Grif! He`s going to be devastated!

Grif:(bored) Tell me what?

Sarge: Tell you that your Sister's been vaporised by the Blues.

Grif: (shocked) What!?

Simmons: Sarge!!

Sarge: (laughing) It`s like ripping off a bandage, Quick and incredibly painful.

Simmons: We just talked about this! I thought we agreed not to tell him!

Grif: (mournfully) What?

Donut: You really need to start thinking about other people's feelings, Sarge!

Sarge: Son, the only thing I need to do is stay red and die!

Simmons: I'm really sorry, Grif. She's dead.

Grif:(sad) How could this have happened? Oh man... That was my little sister. I mean, I know we don't always see eye to eye, but I still loved her!

Simmons: This has to be hard, Grif! I... don't know what to say.

Grif: I just.... I had no idea the last time I saw her was gonna be the last time ever! I'd give anything to see her again and just talk to her one last time. But I'm never gonna get that chance. It's the most empty feeling in the whole world.

Donut: Oh, hey, look!! She's not dead! She's just naked!

Grif:(angry) What? That little slut! I'm gonna kill her!

Simmons: Take a screenshot, take a screenshot!

Tucker Knows Best (Episode 94)

Grif: [yelling] PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON! What's the one thing I told you?! Don't embarrass the family!

Simmons: I don't think she's embarrassing it - Whoa! Why is she doing splits?

Sarge: Huh, is this that Facebook thing I keep hearing about?

Simmons: Does this thing take dollar bills?

Grif: Come on! That's my sister! And you're looking at her naked!

Simmons: So? She's not our sister.

Grif: Stop looking at her!

Simmons: Why does Donut get to look?

Donut: Hey! Why does the Blue base get so much more natural light than ours? It gives the interior a much more airy and open feeling.

Grif: That's why Donut gets to look.

Sarge: [frustrated] Oh, look, she is putting her armor back on!... Oh, I mean [changes tone] Oh, look! she is putting her armor back on. Good work, soldier!

Grif: Don't patronize me.

Simmons: It looks like the Blues are having some kind of meeting.

Sarge: What? I knew it. They're coming to attack our base. Dirty back stabbers!

Donut: I thought the Blues were supposed to attack our base.

Sarge: Dirty front stabbers!

Sarge: Simmons! What are they saying?

Simmons: I have no idea. I can't find the volume on this monitor. Without any sound, it just looks like a bunch of helmets bobbing up and down.

Sarge: Is that how they talk? They look ridiculous.

Caboose: What about me? Can I get lost too?

Tex: No, Caboose. I need you to stay here and watch Shiela.

Church: Yeah, if the transfer gets interrupted, we might lose her altogether.

Caboose: Oh, that would be bad.

Church: Riiiiight. Otherwise, how would you accidentally kill people?

Caboose: Well, I suppose I could always-

Church: Shut up. That was rhetorical.

Tucker: Well little dude, I guess there's a time when every little boy becomes a man.

Doc: Tucker he's only three days old.

Tucker: Yeah, they grow up so fast.

Church: Also he's not a boy, he's a grub.

Tucker: The point is, you're on your own now, and I don't have time to tell you everything you need to know. So here's a few brief pointers: Invest in real estate, there's no such thing as a permanent record, always eat breakfast, all the girls on the internet are actually dudes, and you should never, ever buy the extended warranty on anything. Ever. Oh also, chicks like it when you tell them you're pretty, but they also like it when you're kind of a dick to 'em. So mix it up a little.

Church: Tucker let's go!

Tucker: Okay, little dude, I gotta go now. Tex needs me and Church to back her up.

Junior: Blarg Chicka honk honk.

Doc: Huh. I guess you have been teaching him some stuff.

Tucker: Teach? You don't teach that. Thats just genetic.

[Tex is approaching the Red base while Church and Tucker look on from a cliff.]

Church: (through the sniper scope) I don't see anything at all. It's like they're all hiding or somethin'.

Tucker: Uh, what do you see?

Church: (annoyed) I just said I don't see anything, I just said that.

Tucker: (whiny) Man, I hate that I never get the fucking sniper rifle!

Church: Oh, yeah, boo hoo. All you've got is your stupid awesome sword, I feel so sorry for you.

Tucker: Come on dude, just once. Let me use it, just one time, I won't ever ask again! Pleeeeeeeease? Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?

Church: Can I use the sword?

Tucker: Oh, hell yes!

Church: Fine, here.

Tucker: Oh kickass! [They swap weapons.] Heh heh! Okay no, wait, how do I zoom? I'm zoomed!

Church: Hey Tucker, the sword doesn't even work. What a fuckin' gyp.

Tucker: Now how do I—wait what is this thing?

Church: Okay, whatever dude, just don't-

[Tucker shoots Tex in the ass]

Tex: OW!

Church: What the fuck, did you just fire that thing?

Tucker: Oops! That was an accident.

Church: We're supposed to be sneaking up on them, dumbass! [Tucker sees Tex approaching them through the scope.] They're gonna hear us, gimme it back!

Tucker: Um, yeah, okay take it back.

[They swap weapons again.]

Church: I knew there was a reason I didn't let you use this thing all these years. Hey, Tex, what're you doing back?

[Tex punches Church in the face.]

Church: OW! What the fuck did I do!?

Tex: Asshole!

Tucker: I told him to be careful with that thing. He's just not very good with it.

Loading... (Episode 95)

[Shelia has been uploaded into the ship's computer]

Caboose: And now, you can fly!

Tucker: Looks like the reds pulled out. Does that mean we win?

Church: I suppose so. I guess that means we have two bases in the middle of a box canyon.

Tucker: Whoop-dee-fuckin-doo.

Sister: Oh my god! Head!

Doc: Ok please, really, no more stories.

Sister: Seriously, it's a head! Look.

Doc: Huh?

Lopez: (Spanish) Yo.

Doc: Oh, it's you.

Lopez: (Spanish) Whatever, some way to treat your sidekick. Gone for days and you don't even look for me.

Sister: You know him?

Doc: You speak Spanish?

Sister: Uh, of course I do. It's the year 2500 and I'm from America.

Doc: Oh, cool. Tell him O'Malley's gone.

Sister: (Spanish) O'Malley isn't here. He already left.

Lopez: (Spanish) Your Spanish sucks.

The Wrong Crowd (Episode 96)

Vic Jr.: Okay dude; calm down. Take a chill pill. If you don't have a chill pill, take one of those chill strips. You put it on your tongue, it dissolves, chill.

Sarge: Shut up, Grif!

Grif: Did that order come from Command?

Sarge: In fact, it did! And they also ordered my foot to report up your ass on the double!

Simmons: [watching the exchange at the underground computer; sighs] I can't believe I donated organs for this fucking war.

Church: None of that stuff makes me O'Malley, it just makes me a bad leader.

Uncommunicado (Episode 97)

Tucker: Why do you want my kid?

Wyoming: Because he's very special.

Tucker: Yeah, I guess I should've read to him more.

Wyoming: Not that kind of special you half wit!

(The tank appears)

Church: Yeah! Caboose came though. See that, Wyoming? Now we have our tank. Booya, motherfucker!

Wyoming: Mwhawhawha! Your tank?

Gary: Knock knock, Church.

Church: Aw, crap. Is it just me or does something dramatic happen like every five minutes? I can not be the only person who notices this.

Gary: Firing main cannon.

(Grif and Simmons are arguing)

Sarge: Can it, you two.

Andy: Yeah! You're giving me a headache!

Simmons: Andy? Is that you?

Andy: No, I'm the other talking bomb, Francis! Pleased to meet you, ya dickhead!

Andy: Oh, Hey Lopez.

Lopez: MEH (caption: Up Yours.)

Same Old, Same Old (Episode 98)

(Running straight towards Wyoming and Gary the Tank from across the field):

Caboose:Church! I'm coming to help! Don't start without me!

Wyoming: It's the idiot! Take care of him.

Gary: Right.

Tucker: Caboose! No! Stay back! Don't get near the tank! (Gary opens fire on Caboose) tank-!

Caboose: Uuuggaah!!!

Church:Caboose! NOOOOOO!

(Sarge is watching red base through sniper rifle)

Sarge: Whoa, looks like the blue one just got killed by their own tank.

Simmons: A blue got killed by their own tank. Man, I just had the weirdest sense of deja vu.

Grif: Hey, speaking of getting tanked, we should check if the blues have any beer around here!

Sarge: Hiyoh!

(Sarge is watching red base through sniper rifle)

Sarge: Whoa, looks like the blue one just got sniped.

Grif: Hey, speaking of getting sniped, we should check if the blues have any... beer around here...?

Simmons: What the fuck is that suppose to mean?

Grif: I don't know. It sounded a lot funnier in my head before I said it...

Simmons: Man, I just had the weirdest sense of deja vu.

Caboose: I'm coming to help! Don't start without me!

Tucker: Caboose, get the fuck out of here!!!

(Tucker fires several rounds at Caboose's feet.)

Caboose: OK bye, I don't want to help anymore.

(Sarge is watching red base through sniper rifle)

Sarge: Whoa, looks like the white guy just got stabbed.

Grif: Hey, speaking of getting stabbed... why does my head really hurt, all of a sudden? For some reason, I want a beer...

Repent, the End is near! (Episode 99)

Tucker: Caboose, that's why I always liked you, everything falls into two categories: either you don't understand it or you just don't care.

Caboose: Yeeah, I don't really know what you mean by that... but I guess it doesn't matter.

Tucker: Exactly.

Caboose: Why didn't you ask Tex or Church?... Is it because I'm the best?

Tucker: No, it's because Church is an asshole and Tex doesn't trust me right now.

Caboose: Really? Why not?

Tucker: Ehh, because I got to use the sniper rifle and I ended up unloading a round into her ass.

Caboose: Hey Chicka Bum Bum!

Tucker: Caboose! What did I tell you about that?

Caboose: Sorry. Sorry.

Caboose: I am Caboose, the vehicle destroyer!

Why Were We Here? (Episode 100)

Tex: And I have your word that none of them will be hurt? (O'Malley laughs menacingly)

Church: Tex get away from him!

(Church kills O'Malley with Tucker's sword, forcing him outside of Caboose's head)

Church: Booyeah!

Tex: NO! Dammit, Church!

(Tex fires at Church who retaliates and kills her too)

Church: Awesome! I'm like a fuckin' Jedi! Aw fuck you're both dead.

[Yellow Church gets sent where all the Churchs were from 'Have we met?']

Yellow Church: Well fuck.

Simmons: Hey, Caboose!

Grif: Caboooooooooose!

Simmons: Come out so I can shoot you, ya fuckstick!

Grif: Where did Caboose go?

Sarge: I don't see 'im.

Simmons: Come out, Caboose, all we wanna do is shoot you!

Caboose: (hiding behind a tree) Don't listen to them, it's a trick!

Sarge: What are the Blues doing on the radio?

Simmons: Who knows? Hey Blues shut the fuck up! Get off our radios and quit ruining our batteries down!

(O'Malley infects Simmons)

Simmons: Do it now or I will kill every last one of you! And everyone here as well, just to make a point! HAHAHAHA!

Grif: Whoa Simmons, don't you think that was a little over the top?

Simmons: Suck it, you fool!

Sarge: What's wrong with your voice?

Simmons: Nothing! Why does something have to be wrong with MY voice? Maybe something's wrong with YOUR voice! Ever think about that, COCKSUCKER?

Grif: Um, you do know that's Sarge you're talking to, right?

Simmons: (in normal voice) I mean, cocksucker, SIR! (giggles madly)

Sarge: Donut, initiate Emergency Plan Traitor Simmons Number 11!

Donut: On it, sir! (shoots Grif)

Grif: Owhowowow!!

Sarge: Donut! I said Plan 11!

Donut: Where am I going to get a steamroller?

(Tex bashes Simmons who is infected by O'Malley)

Simmons: Ow, the back of my lower legs!

(Tex hits him again)

Simmons: Ow, the side of my head!

(Tex hits him thrice)

Simmons: The back of my face!

(Tex continues to beat up Simmons)

Simmons: The front of my front!

Tucker: Hey Church, I think Tex is over here!

Church: (sarcasticly) Thanks for the update!

Church: I told you to disable the ship, not destroy it!

Sarge: Oh yeah, well, score one for the Red team I guess.

Tucker: What about my kid?!

Sarge: Oh, right, score two.

(Church has entered Caboose's mind, where everyone is shown as how Caboose sees them)

Simmons: Freeze, blue!

Church: Simmons?

Simmons: Hey everyone, I caught an intruder! I'm the greatest! I mean I'm the greatest one that isn't Caboose!

Grif: (Raspy version of his voice) Great job, Simons!

Simmons: Thanks orangest guy...Who's name I really don't remember!

Sarge: (Pirate accent) Argh, lets be makin' him walk the plank.

Donut: (As a full fledged woman) Let's all go shopping to celebrate!

Church: Oh right...

Sarge: Jolly good day, Mr. Caboose. We be having a prisoner for you, we do.

Church: I thought you had a pirate accent?

Sarge: Argh, I'm not very consistent. Yarg!

Caboose: Hello Church, you must be very happy to see me.

Church: Yeah, of course. I'm so happy I wanna fuckin puke.

Yellow Church: Hey what's up,

Church: Hey who the fuck are you? Sister?

Yello Church: Yes I'm Sister, Church's twin brother. I crashed here on a spaceship from the moon. And now I live with Caboose and the people from the tail end of the spaceship live on the other side of the island.

Church: What the fuck? That's wrong in like eight different ways.

Yellow Church: Yeah, I know...Tell me about it.

Church: Caboose, seriously, do you pay attention to anything that happens?

Caboose: New Church is my new best friend now.

Yellow Church: I'd argue with that too, but...What's the point.

Sarge: Simmons, where can we get some explosives?

Simmons: Well, as you recall, we recently came across Andy the bomb and Lopez in the caves. So-

Sarge: Of course! Men, let's go ask Lopez where we can get some explosives!

Simmons: *sigh* Excellent plan, sir...

Church: Caboose, what happened?

Caboose: Tex appeared out of nowhere and beat up Tucker, which was awesome, and took his sword. Also someone might've have been surprised by that and peed his pants just a little bit...Or a lot.

Church: I was only behind them by like thirty seconds! What the fuck! Where is she?

Caboose: She took the sword and a Wyoming helmet to the ship. I think she went to the ship to save Tucker's kid. He's on the ship too now.

Church: FUCK! What about O'Malley? Where is he?

(Radio turns)

Donut: HAHAHAHAHA, that's the problem with living in a patriarichal society, men always assume they know everything! HAHAHA!

Andy: Whoa, Lopez! Looks like your girlfriend (Sheila, who's uploaded into the ship) has put on a little weight!

Donut: Andy, that's rude!

Andy: What? You were all thinking it! I mean, I'm just saying someone should really switch to unleaded!

Simmons: Donut. Relax. You've been infected by a computer virus and we just need to figure out what to do about it.

Donut:(Possessed by O'Malley) HAHAHAHA! NO, it's my body! It's my choice! And another thing, why do I do as much work as you guys but only get 92 percent of-

(Donut is knocked out by Tex)

Sarge: Hey don't hit my soldiers without my permission...(O'Malley infects Sarge) I'm the one who gets to hit my soldiers. MWAHAHAHA! YEAH, eat lead world, drop and give me infinity!

Grif: Sarge I think you've finally gone crazy.

(Tex knocks out Sarge, forcing O'Malley to infect Grif)

Grif: Whoa that's weird. I have a sudden urge to conquer the universe. Which is unlike me, considering I'd have to do actual work. I think I'll just fall asleep instead.

Doc: We're here, is anyone hurt...

(Grif falls asleep, forcing O'Malley to infect Doc)

Doc:...Or need to be killed? HAHAHA!

Church: I know that laugh. Nobody move!

(O'Malley infects Church)

Church: You know I...I really don't feel all that different. Meh, meh heh, heh, meh, meh, no. Feels pretty much the same. That's kinda weird huh? Expected more...

(Tex knocks out Church)

Church: Where'd he go, where'd he go? Is he gone...Tex?

Tex: Church run!

Church: Tex DON'T!

(O'Malley infects Tex)

Tex: You have no idea how much trouble you are in

Alarm official ending

Caboose: Church...

Church: Yeah?

Caboose: You ever wonder why we're here?

Church: You know, Caboose, I used to not care. I just went along with orders and hoped that everything would work out for me. But after all that's happened, you know what I've learned? It's not about hating the guy on the other side because someone told you to. I mean, you should hate someone because they're an asshole or a pervert or a snob, or they're lazy or arrogant or an idiot or a know-it-all. Those are reasons to dislike somebody. You don't hate a person because someone told you to; you have to despise people on a personal level, not because they're red or because they're blue, but because you know them and you see them every single day, and you can't stand them because they're a complete and total fucking douchebag.

Caboose: ...I meant, why are we out here in the sun when we could be standing down there in the shade?

Church: Oh. Yeah, okay. Let's go stand in the shade.

Grif: Hey, Simmons...

Simmons: Yeah?

Grif: Just one thing. Shotgun!

Simmons: Fuck!

Alternate Ending 1 - Fight! Fight! (Finch)

Grif: (Church and Tucker had just killed Sarge) Okay, hey. We killed one of your guys, and you killed one of ours. That makes us even.

Simmons: Actually, we killed Tex and Junior, and they killed Sarge. So technically, that means we killed two people and they only killed one. (Church kills him with the sniper rifle) Son of a bitch!

Grif: Okay! Now we're even! Seriously! (Blues point guns at Grif and Donut; Grif lobs a grenade, everyone scatters, Donut gets in the ghost) Every man for himself!

Church: Caboose! Get in that tank and give us cover fire.

Caboose: Okay!

Church: And don't shoot me this time!

Caboose: Okay (immediately shoots Church)

Church: Son of a bitch!

Caboose: Wait, what was that first part again?(Grif begins to destroy Caboose's tank) Abandon ship! Running, running, running! (tank blows up)

Tucker: Don't worry Sister, I'll protect you.

Sarge: Aha! Got you, blues!

Tucker: Sarge, I thought you were dead!

Sarge: I was dead, Doc revived me!

Doc: That's right! And if anyone else needs medical attention, I would be more than happy to hel- (Sarge kills him) Son of a bitch!

Sarge: Oh, I'm sorry! Doc will be unable to assist anyone else. (Sister kills him) Ah, son of a bitch again. Medic!

Tucker: Well Sister, this looks like it. I don't think we're gonna make it, the reds are on the attack, and now Doc is dead and can't help us.

Doc: (dying) Actually, I'm not dead! if you could just hand me my first-aid kit- (Tucker shoots him) Oh, son of a bitch!

Tucker: And now that Doc is actually dead, I don't think we're gonna make it. I don't wanna die a virgin!

Sister: Ooh! Yeah!

Tucker: Wouldn't you rather spend your last few moments as a lover and not as a fighter?

Sister: I never thought about that, Uh-huh.

Tucker: I've always wanted to go out-

Sister: Hey, uh, no offense, are you gonna keep talking or are we gonna see some action!

Tucker: Bow Chicka Bow- (Grif shoots him) Ow!

Grif: Stay away from my sister!

Tucker: Son of a bitch!

Sister: Grif, I liked him! He was nice to me! (kills Grif)

Grif: Son of a bitch!

Sister: (Donut runs her over with his ghost) Son of a bitch! I can't believe you'd hit a girl!

Donut: Whatever, bitch! Reow! (Caboose is running away, picks up a rocket launcher) Now it's time to pound some Caboose! Woo-hoo! (drives toward him; Caboose blows him up with the rocket launcher) Son of a bitch!

Caboose: I won! I am the greatest! I beat everyone! And now, no one is left but me! (ghost lands on him, kills him) Son of a bitch.

Alternate Ending 2 - Insert Quarter (Boxy)

Vic Jr.: (Sarge shoots at the computer) Ow, dude. That was my heatsink. Now where the fuck am I gonna sinkmy heat?

Grif: Be careful Sarge, that stalagmite almost hit me!

Donut: Actually Grif, that was a stalactite. You see stalagmite's grow up from the ground.

Grif: I don't care, Donut. The point is that I almost got crushed by huge fucking-(A stalagsomething crushes and kills Grif)...Ow,

Sarge: Yeah! I am the winner of... what the hell am I lookin' at?

Congratulations Player!
You have winner!
Thank you for playing Red vs. Blue
Please play the Red vs. Blue 2
The adventure begins to continue again...
Coming Winter 2004 soon!

Season 6 (Reconstruction)

Chapter 1

Aiden Price: You are Private Walter Henderson, correct?

Private Henderson: Yes, sir!

Aiden Price: You can dispense with the formalities, Walter. Please feel comfortable to speak as candidly as you wish. Can you tell us what happened at your outpost, Walter?

Private Henderson: Yes Sir-ah, yes. I had been there about six months. Everything was pretty much like normal and one day this... ship... crashed.

Aiden Price: I see. Is this the ship to which you are referring?

[A hologram of the downed ship appears]

Private Henderson: Yeah. Yeah, that's it.

Aiden Price: Please, tell me what was on the ship, Walter.

Private Henderson: I don't know. The Blues got there first. They fought us off while they cleared it out. Took the stuff back to Base. By the time we got a hold of it it just seemed like a regular old transport. Our engineer said some of the wiring had been messed with but he didn't seem, you know, worried about it or nothing like that.

Aiden Price: I see. Thank you for that.

Private Henderson: But whatever was on the ship, must have been what started the whole thing.

Aiden Price: Please, Walter, define "thing".

Private Henderson: The infection. The Blues just stopped fighting us. Some of them set up camp outside their base and trapped the rest of their team inside; blew up their comm tower for some reason. Their own comm tower... Then they blew up ours. That's why we couldn't radio for help, we couldn't figure out why they would do that. After that, nothing. No word from them at all. The CO sent a squad over... all the Blues were dead. They had killed each other.

Aiden Price: Why do you think they did that?

Private Henderson: I don't know. They had torn the radios out of their helmets and dismantled their computers. The CO said they were trying to build something...but I saw all the stuff, no way! They were trying to break it. And there was another body in there too. Not a Blue, somebody else. Actually, she looked like him. [Looks over to a soldier in grey armor standing in the corner of the room]

Aiden Price: Don't worry about him for now, Walter. Please, continue.

Private Henderson: We brought all the equipment back to base and brought it online. And that's when the infection started for us.

Aiden Price: The soldiers became... sick?

Private Henderson: No. They just... they were different. Off. We would catch guys getting into areas they shouldn't get into. But the weird thing was, a guy would go crazy, act up, and then we would throw him in a cell, and he would be fine. Then another guy would go nuts, disobey orders. Like trying to bring the comm tower back online even though we were told to leave it be. Maybe they knew it was coming.

Aiden Price: They knew that was coming.

Private Henderson: At first we thought it was help. It ransacked Blue Base, searched all the bodies... then it came after us. Seemed focused on the guys that were infected. Eventually, it just started killing everything.

Aiden Price: Could you describe it for us, Walter?

Private Henderson: Not really. It moved fast, when we first saw it, and after Blue Base it was... it was different.

Aiden Price: In what way, different?

Private Henderson: It looked... like it wasn't there. I don't know how to explain it.

Aiden Price: That's alright. I know this has been difficult for you Walter. We're going to do everything we can to help you. [Two soldiers in grey armor enter] Please, follow these men to your new quarters. You'll be with us as long as absolutely necessary. You have my word. [Henderson follows them out of the room]

Chapter 2

Leonard Church: A response, from the Director of Project Freelancer. Dear Chairman. While I am obligated to assist your investigation, I ask that you not waste my time with irrelevant questions. My agency is normally unconcerned with such minute directives as troop reassignment. Except of course, in the most critical of matters.

[Washington approaches the Red Base]

Washington: Come in, Command.

Command: Hello Washington. We have you? How was the investigation at Blue Base?

Washington: Enlightening. Going to try the red base now, I'm hoping things there will be a little more... [A pink pop-up of Donut appears for no reason] ...normal.

Sarge: Halt in the name of the red- [clears throat] I mean "lightish red army. This base is operating at full capacity. And if you come in here, you're gonna get in to a big uhn-uh slap-fight!"

Washington: Heuhhh... I'm gonna have to call you back.

Sarge: Don't come any further, ooh la la.

[As Washington approaches, a maroon pop-up of Simmons appears from behind a rock]

Sarge: This is your last warning, stay out! I love math!

Washington: What in the-

Sarge: Your only hope of survival is to kiss my commander's ass!

[Washington continues on and an orange popup of Grif filled with bullet holes seems to appear from out of nowhere]

Sarge: And this is another warning: I know the other warning was supposed to be last, but I never listen to orders, 'cause I'm too lazy and stupid! And ugly. Did I mention ugly?

Washington: This is gonna be a waste of time, I can tell already.

Sarge: [Pops up in front of Washington] Yeah, freeze intruder! Stop yer intrudin' right there.

Washington: Who made these things?

Sarge: I did.

Washington: Wait, you're real?

Sarge: Of course I am. You fell for a classic misdirection. I still got it. Heh heh.

Chapter 3

Malcolm Hargrove: Dear Director, due to your busy schedule, we have begun interviewing members of your staff. I'm certain you will let us know if this bothers you. However our debriefings keep coming back to a single subject at Outpost 17-B. Can you explain to us what this Meta is, and what your plans are to deal with it?

Miller: This here is Special Agent Washington, from Blue Command. He has something fantastic he needs to talk to you about.

Caboose: Command? Oh no, they never have good news. Did somebody die? Was it my mom, is she dead? Or my dad, did my dad die again? Oh no.

Washington: What is this? I don't even...

Miller: Hehe, you see, he's yours now. Hehe, no take-backs.

Caboose: Is it my brother? Was my brother killed? That's it, isn't it? My brother's dead!

Washington: What- no, nothing like that!

Caboose: Oh, good, because I don't even have a brother. H-how sad would it be to not have a brother and to lose a brother all in the same day.

Washington: No one died!

[The blue soldier runs back]

Blue: Jo-a-nes is dead, sir.

Washington: OK, no one besides him.

Caboose: Once again... nobody's fault. [Whispers] Pst...I think the new guy did it.

Washington: Private Caboose, you were stationed at Blood Gulch, correct?

Caboose: Yeah...that was fun.

Washington: And our records indicate that you were infected by an aggressive artificial intelligence program at one point. The Omega AI, is that correct as well?

Caboose: Yeah...that wasn’t as much fun.

Washington: Ok, well I need you to come with me. I’m investigating a critical issue and you seem to be the only person with the knowledge and experience necessary to help me. [Long pause] And I just realised how ridiculous that sounded once I said it out loud.

Chapter 4

Leonard Church: Dear Chairman. Rest assured we have the situation under control. While the Meta is proving to be an elusive enemy, our Recovery agent is already closing in on it. I expect this incident will reach a conclusion soon, and I will be able to return to my research. Hopefully, without further interruption.

Church: Caboose? Caboose, is that you?

Caboose: Yes! Church, it's me!

[Church starts firing many shots at Caboose and all of them miss]

Caboose: I have missed you so much! It has been so long! Did you miss me!?

Church: Fuck! I missed him!

Caboose: I knew you did!

Washington: Come on, let's move out.

Church: Move out? Hey, at what point in this conversation did you think that we were buddies or somethin'? I'm not goin' with you.

Caboose: Yes! You are not in our buddy club!

Church: Shut up Caboose, and what did I tell you about that armor, when we had to pick new suits?

Caboose: You told me to upgrade!

Church: That's not an upgrade! This is Mark Six armor, that's Mark Five. This is an upgrade.

Caboose: In a Top Ten list, five is better than six.

Church: We're not a top ten list!

Washington: How do you ever get anything done if all you ever do is argue with each other?

Church: We don't, that's part of our charm. Quit fuckin' it up!

Washington: Look, I know you guys are all wrapped up in your little "Red vs Blue" battles-

Caboose: Blue vs Red battles! No one says Red vs Blue, it sounds stupid when you say it backwards.

Washington: But this is important. Actual military operations. Not your fake simulation stuff. Something is hunting our top agents, and I need all the help I can get to stop it.

Church: Stop it? If it's killing Freelancers, I want to start a fan club for it, build it a website.

Washington: And now that the ship from your canyon is crashed, we think it's more powerful than ever. It gains new abilities every time it kills-

Church: Wait wait wait, whoa- you found Tex's ship?

Washington: We believe so.

Church: Where?

Washington: Come with me and I'll show you.

Church: Ok, I'm in.

Caboose: Yes, this will be the greatest road trip ever!

Church: If you say anything positive, I will fucking kill all three of us right now.

Caboose: Okay. I will be very depressed about how awesome this will be!

Chapter 5

Malcolm Hargrove: Dear Director. We can all understand that the shift from autonomy to oversight can be a difficult adjustment for anyone, but especially someone of your standing. In that spirit, we have attempted to accommodate your brief explanations to our serious inquiries. None the less, I feel compelled to inform you, that even our trust has its limits.

Caboose: What do you think he'll do for a distraction?

Church: Who knows? Probably like, you know, make a noise, or throw a rock. That's what I would do.

[In the distance, a vehicle is blown into the sky and a siren is heard]

Church: ...Or he could do that.

Caboose: I think he is better at distractions than you are.

Church: Yeah.

Washington: [Over the radio] Okay, come on out. But come quietly.

Church: OK, let's go.

Caboose: Um, yes, I don't want to. Uh, you see I am scared of the thing that I don't know what it is.

Church: Oh, don't be a baby. How bad could it be- [Steps into the grav-lift and is send flying through the air] -EEEEEEE! [lands, bounces, skids, hydroplanes, and eventually smacks up against the side of a jeep behind two soldiers, making "oof" sounds the whole way] That was fucking bullshit!

Soldier 1: Did you just say somethin'?

Soldier 2: Whuh?

Washington: I said quietly, what part of quiet don't you understand?

Church: What part? How 'bout the part where I got thrown eighty feet in the fucking air, by the God damn throwing thing'!?

Chapter 6

Leonard Church: Dear Chairman. The Meta is nothing more than an entity seeking to increase its power, in these confusing days after the war. From my perspective, that seems to be a very common occurrence at the moment.

Church: Hey, see that purple one? She's on our team. You should help her.

Caboose: Okay! [Stands up and shoots South]

South: Ah, son of a-

Delta: Alarm, friendly fire!

Caboose: Um, she got in the way when I was trying to help her.

Church: Okay, we're good!

Washington: Caboose! Toss that grenade! [Throws a frag grenade over the wall]

[Caboose throws his spike grenade into the wall, where it sticks for dramatic effect]

Washington: That was the worst throw ever. Of all time.

Caboose: Not my fault, someone put a wall in my way!

Caboose: I just want everyone to know that I have no problems walking. And I take full responsibility for the grenade incident.

Chapter 7

Malcolm Hargrove: Dear Director. Your program was granted the use of a single artificial intelligence unit, for implantation experiments. Yet, the department records clearly show, multiple agents in the field with implants, during the same timeframes. Surely this must be a logging error, and we anticipate a corrected document soon.

Washington: Apparently they already have a shortcut on their keyboard for reporting his team kills.

Caboose: Control F U.

Command: Recovery One, come in, level zero come in.

Washington: Go ahead, Command.

Command: Wash, we have a beacon.

Washington: I'm getting it too. Do you have coordinates and an ID?

Command: Are you sure about this? I mean this is how we can be-

Washington: Command, you're breaking up on me, please repeat, how what can be-

Command: Hold on, I'm not talking to you Wash. And, and you're sure? Okay. It's Agent Maine, Wash.

Washington: What?

Command: Please confirm last transmission Agent Washington.

Washington: Maine? How can that be? If-

Command: Please confirm, Recovery One.

Washington: Yeah, it's him. It's the Meta.

Church: What!?

Washington: Command, give me those coordinates now.

Church: The Meta is a Freelancer?

Sponsor Ending

Dellario: I just wanna know why we have wall duty for the third day straight and Tubbs pulls motor pool every time.

Burke: Not every time.

Dellario: Every time! Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, today!

Burke: Today is Wednesday, Dellario!

Dellario: Exactly! And where's Tubbs? Motor pool!

[Cut to Tubbs, who is seen sitting inside a Warthog]

Dellario: Look at him down there. What's he doing? Nothing.

Burke: So what, what're we doing?

Dellario: We're on guard duty.

Burke: He's on guard duty too.

Dellario: Yeah, but he gets to sit still while doing it. We have to walk.

Burke: [Scoffs] You worry too much.

Dellario: I don't complain too much Burke. You don't complain enough. I have to complain more just to keep up the average. You know what I mean? [Burke doesn't respond] Burke? Burke!? [Looks to his right and sees the Meta standing in Burke's spot, wearing red armor] Hey, Burke... where'd you get that helmet?

[The Meta kills Dellario]

Chapter 8

Leonard Church: Dear Chairman, I understand your concern that increased activity will bring increased risks. However, our failsafes are simple but foolproof: a dead or dying agent’s beacon automatically notifies our Recovery team, and we will be on the scene immediately to secure all the military’s property.

Washington: Look, there’s our cycle. The Meta must be here.

Church: [Sarcastic] Yeah, because no one else in the military would have a standard-issue motorcycle just like that.

Caboose: Also, the piles of dead bodies might have been a clue.

Washington: Just keep your heads down and your eyes open. I'm going to advance on that wall, you two get Delta and move up on the other side.

Church: Okay.

Washington: Don't use the radio unless it's absolutely necessary.

Church: Okay.

Washington: And don't make a move until I do.

Church: [Annoyed] Okay!

Washington: And no screw-ups this time!

Church: Angrily] OKAY! Are we gonna sit here on the beach all day, or we're gonna go get this thing!?

Washington: We only have one chance of this before he gets back to full power. I can't take any chances that you guys are going to botch this.

Chapter 9

Malcolm Hargrove: Dear Director. I feel you're avoiding the question. If this target was already in possession of an A.I. unit, how was he able to secure an additional unit from Agent South? Would not that verify, as we indicated earlier, that your program now runs experiments with more than one artificial intelligence? If so, where did these additional A.I. come from? And more importantly, how did your agency procure them?

Grif: Don't you think it's ironic that you're about to shoot us because we don't have enough ammo?

Red Soldier: Any last words?

Grif: Yeah: you guys suck!

Red Soldier: Ready, aim...

Simmons: Killed by our own men, couldn't see this coming.

Simmons: Sarge?

Grif: Yeah, what?

Sarge: What in hell are you two doing?

Simmons: We're being executed by our own men, sir.

Sarge: Well cut it out, I need you guys to come with me. Command has a secret mission for us.

Red Soldier: Who the hell is this guy?

Sarge: Ahh, what is this? Insubordination? Hi-yah! [Smashes the soldier in the face] Come on you two, let's get a move on. Where's your commanding officer?

Simmons: He's right there. [Motions toward Grif]

Sarge: Where? Behind Grif?

Simmons: Sergeant Grif is our CO, sir.

Sarge: Your Sergeant has the same name as Grif? That's a disturbing coincidence.

Simmons: No no, listen to me. Grif is our commander, he was promoted to Sergeant when you refused to relocate with us.

Sarge: But who's in charge?

Simmons: Sergeant Grif!

Sarge: Okay, see, I hear you saying words, but it's like they don't match up in a way that makes sense... Did you have a stroke?

Simmons: Grif is a Sergeant! He's the same rank as you now!

Sarge: That's what I'm talking about, where is he?

Simmons: He's right there! [Motions toward Grif again]

Sarge: ...So, he's invisible?

Grif: Dude, I don't think he's physically capable of understanding what you're telling him.

[The Red soldier gets back up]

Red Soldier: Does this mean we get a new Sergeant now? Awesome, cause this one sucks!

[Sarge smashes the soldier in the back of the head]

Sarge: Yah! Never talk that way about a superior!

Grif: Did Sarge just call me superior? I heard it! Simmons is a witness.

Simmons: I don't even want to get involved...

Sarge: What the hell's goin on in this base?! Insubordination! Invisible Sergeants!

Simmons: Shotgun!

Grif: I outrank you, get in the back.

Simmons: Fuck!

PSA and Special Episodes

Sargeisms

Sarge: When you kill your enemy, you wanna look straight in his eyes so he knows that you're the one who beat him to death! It also gives you a chance to deal out some really zippy one-liners. Like, "I hope you brought your wallet, 'cause the rent in Hell gets paid in advance!"

Grif: (sighs) Oh, my god...

Sarge: Or my personal favorite, "You just got Sarged!"

Sarge: How 'bout a tasty lead sandwich with a side of Sarge! [He uses his shotgun to kill Grif.] Hold the life...and the mayo.

Sarge: Dr. Sarge M.D. to the emergency room! Prescription, death. Diagnosis, SHOTGUN! [Sarge melee's Grif with his shotgun.]

Sarge: A priest, a rabbi and Grif all walk into a bar, and I kill 'em!

[Sarge walks in and shoots Tucker.]

Sarge: Hey, Blue, how do you like them apples? And by apples, I mean bullets; in your face! [Sarge teabags Tucker repeatedly.] How do you like them pears? Guess what I mean by pears; deez nuuuuuuts.

Sarge: My favorite part was the part when you died! Encore! Bravo!

[Sarge has his shotgun pointed directly at the side of Church's head.]

Sarge: Hey, does this shotgun barrel look clogged to you?

Church: Sarge, I'm not gonna look in your shotgun.

Sarge: (swapping weapons) How 'bout these rocket barrels?

Tucker: What's the deal, dude? I've been here all day and I haven't even been in a single shot yet. Why did you guys call me down here?

Church: What are you bitchin' at me for?

[Sarge suddenly walks in and kills Tucker.]

Tucker: Ow!

Church: Oh, come on, Sarge!

Sarge: Oh, I'm sorry. Don't let me interrupt all your fancy dyin' talk. NOW DIE!

[Sarge proceeds to shoot and kill Church.]

Church: Ow!

Sarge: Hey, Grif, hold these bullets for me... [Sarge shoots and kills Grif.] ...IN YOUR GUT!

Grif: Ow! I can see my spine!

Sarge: Here, we have a run-down soldier, but today we'll show you that with a few simple modifications, you can make an attractive corpse. [Sarge shoots and kills Grif.] It's a good thing.

[Sarge starts off by killing Tucker.]

Sarge: Dr. Sarge says take two barrels of this shotgun and call me in the morning when you're dead! Ring ring, hello? Is it you? Yep, you're dead!

Old Annoyance Be Forgot

Tucker: Hey Church, I'm still trying to figure out what to get Caboose.

Church: Christmas is in seven hours, moron.

Tucker: I know. If you wait until last minute, you get all the good deals.

Church: Ah, just get everybody the same thing. That's what I did.

Tucker: Let me guess, everyone's getting a lump of coal.

Church: FUCK no! Do you know how much coal costs!? It's like five bucks a ton! I'm not spending that much on you losers! (short pause) You're all getting a lump of smoal.

Tucker: What's smoal?

Church: It's a knockoff synthetic coal. It's just as good as the real thing. Except when you burn it, it doesn't make any heat. It just makes smoke.

Tucker: Wha-what? How does it make smoke with no heat?

Church: How the fuck do I know? Ask the fine makers of smoal.

Simmons: Now that I'm thinking about it, maybe it's better that Church isn't here this year.

Tucker: Yeah, Christmas is the one day of year you should never miss Church.

Church: Ah, forget it, douchebags! You'll all still getting lumps of smoal.

Tucker: Ah, crap.

Zero O'Clock

Sarge: Simmons, have you seen Grif?

Simmons: No sir, not recently.

Sarge: Son of a -! He was gonna wash the Warthog before I went on mah trip!

Simmons: I don't know what to tell you, Sir.

Grif: (In a suitcase) Yes! This is the perfect plan!

Sarge: Ah well... Did you finish packin' for me?

Simmons: Yup. Got your suitcase right here Sir.

Grif: D'oh!

Sarge: Great. Then I guess I'm all set to attend the annual suitcase demolishing conference.

Grif: The what? That doesn't even sound real!

Simmons: Have fun Sir.

Sarge: Where're you going Simmons?

Simmons: To an XBox 360 launch party.

Sarge: XBox 360? How did I miss versions two through three hundred fifty nine? I need to pay better attention.

Simmons: Technology moves pretty fast Sir.

Sarge: Come on, Grif- I mean suitcase. Heh heh heh.

4th Of July Safety Tips

Church: (wearing his white "ghost" armor, next to Caboose) Hi, everybody. I'm Private Church from the popular web series, Red vs. Blu- (Donut enters) Hey, Donut! What are you doing, man? You're supposed to be wearing your old red armor so that we can be red, white, and blue. This isn't very patriotic.

Donut: I'm being patriotic...in my own way!

Church: Alright, let's just start alrea-

Caboose: Hello, everyone. I am Private Church from the popular web series, Red vs.-

Church: Caboose, that's my line.

Caboose: You can't prove that!

Church: As you probably know already, this weekend we celebrate July 4th, or as it's known in Mexico, Cinco de Mayo.

Caboose: Many of you may take this oppurtunity to enjoy your weiner.

Donut: I know I will!

Church: But the real reason we celebrate the 4th of July isn't for the food, or the fun, or even the picnics with the nonstop binge drinking.

Donut: What?

Church: There's only one true reason we celebrate the 4th of July: to have a lot of explosions.

Caboose: Yay! It's fireworks day!

Donut: Kick-ass! I've still got 3 fingers left from last year!

(Tip #1: Never Play with Fireworks Indoors)

Caboose: (holding grenade) Hello, Donut. Check out this awesome sparkler! It is even more fun because we are playing with it inside!

Donut: Hey, that's not a sparkler, that's a grenade!

Caboose: Don't worry. We are completely safe. All of the doors are locked from the outside, so we cannot escape- oh, wait a minute (explodes)

(Tip #2: Never Play with Fireworks Near an Open Flame)

Donut: (grilling) Hey there, Caboose. How do you like your meat? Well done, or pink and juicy!

Caboose: Yes, I will take that fuzzy glowing hamburger, please.

Donut: Hey! That's not a hamburger, that's a grenade!

Caboose: I know! I switched them when you weren't looking!...Maybe I should not have done that... (explodes)

(Tip #3: Never Put Fireworks in Your Pants)

Donut: Hey Caboose, have you seen my grenade?

Caboose: Yes! I put it in my pants! Wait- (explodes)

(Tip #4: Never Aim Fireworks at Your Friends)

Church: For this last bit, the part of the bottle rocket will be played by Sheila. Enjoy.

Caboose: Hey Donut, want to see my awesome bottle rocket?

Donut: Totally! Just remember, don't point it directly at me! Okay?

Caboose: Okay, and I promise I won't forget whatever it is that you just said.

(Donut gets blasted by Caboose):

Caboose: I forgoooot!

Church: Okay, aaaand end scene. Well, I hope you've all learned a lot about fireworks, and maybe even a little bit about yourselves. (hissing of grenade)

Caboose: Oopsie.

Donut: Uh-oh.

Caboose: Running time!

Church: Oh, and I almost forgot to mention the most important safety tip. If you have small children around, or even very very stupid adults, never ever let them play with fireworks without proper supervision.... Hey, what's that hissing noise?

(Church explodes):

Church: CABOOSE!!!

Caboose: Simmons did it!

Simmons: What are you talking about? I wasn't even in this video!

Donut: Happy fireworks day everybody!

Winter Lames

Sarge: There's nothing wrong with the Olympics that modern science can't fix.

Church: Right, like using aerodynamic computer modeling to develop better ski jumping techniques.

Sarge: No, like replacing the skis with heat-seeking missles and the jumping with exploding.

Church: Well that seems a little extreme. How would you improve curling?

Sarge: Replace the big rocks with grenades.

Church: Figure skating?

Sarge: Landmines.

Church: Downhill skiing?

Sarge: Laser gates.

Church: Speed skating?

Sarge: Everyone gets a bayonet.

Church: Snowboarding?

Sarge: Fewer hippies. And add polar bears. In fact, every event could use more polar bears.

Church: Ok, well, what about the luge?

Sarge: Ahh, allow me to demonstrate. Let's suppose Griff over there is our lugey. Alright Grif, just like we rehearsed it!

Grif: Yeah, I'm going for the gold! (gets hit by rocket) Tell Michelle Kwan I always loved her!

Sarge: (after blowing up luge athlete Grif) I call it, "Rocket Luge". In Europe, it's called the space program.

Sarge: I also think we should give medals out to the losers.

Church: You want to give the symbols of Olympic victory to losers? That doesn't sound very much like you, Sarge. So what would it be? Gold, silver, bronze, and...?

Sarge: Enriched Uranium! The losers will be forced to wear radioactive isotopes, making sure they die the excruciatingly slow and painful death they deserve! I also think if you beat a country in an event, you get to keep it. Or at least burn it down.

Church: Yeah, that's the Olympic spirit.

Lethargy Crisis

Simmons: Gas prices are so high right now that some people are having to cut back on basic necessities just to afford to drive to work.

Church: Not me. I just quit going to work.

Sarge: Everyone knows that gasoline comes from dinosaurs, and if we're running out of gas, the solution isn't to drive less; it's to kill more dinosaurs.

Church: All the dinosaurs are already dead.

Sarge: It doesn't have to be just dinosaurs, moron. Any animal turns into oil when it dies. So remember, if you want to be environmentally friendly, just kill every living thing you see! And bury it.

Simmons: But that process takes millions of years.

Sarge: I've got time.

Grif: (In a grave marked "HERE LIES GRIF" which has been crossed out with spray paint and replaced with the word "unleaded") Let me outta here! There's worms!

Sarge: Gentlemen, we can debate the fine points all day, but the fact remains that a gallon of gas still costs less today than a gallon of milk.

Church: Yeah, but you don't drink three gallons of milk every time you drive to work.

Sarge: Maybe you don't.

Simmons:Most people have a insatiable thirst for gas I know I do.

Caboose:Me too! I drank 2 gallons this morning.

Simmons:Caboose! I didn't mean it literally.

Caboose:My tummy feels a little weird.(makes a burp noise whilst flames shoot out of his mouth)

Church:You know, that would be alot of fun at parties.

Simmons:I'm just glad it came out of his mouth.

Sarge:Simmons, I need a ride to the base.

Simmons:Yes sir.(tries to turn on warthog but stalls)

Sarge:Hey, anyone got any gas?

Church:How 'bout a jug of milk?

Indigestion 2004

Sarge:Are you familiar with turducken?

Grif: Yeah, that's what I do when I go to the monkey house and make them mad.

Simmons: (Explaining a Turducken) It's a chicken in a duck in a turkey.

Church: You know, because the holiday isn't quite gluttonous enough on its own.

Grif: Sounds awesome, is that what we're having?

Sarge: Nope. Although impressive, I decided they stopped short when designing the turducken.

Church: Yeah. They seem like real underachievers there.

Sarge: So I decided to make my own variety.

Church: What's that, a polecat stuffed in a possum?

Sarge: Nope, first we start with a hummingbird-

Grif: A what?

Sarge: Put that in a sparrow, stuff them both in a cornish hen, then put that in a chicken. Put all that in a duck, then a turkey, then in a bigger turkey.(Picture shows Michael Moore)

Grif: Two turkeys?

Sarge: Hey, it's Thanksgiving. Put that in a penguin, stuff that in a peacock, then an eagle, shove it all in an albatross, then an emu, next comes an ostrich, then a leopard! Put all that in a pterodactyl, and then stuff it in a Boeing 747.

Church: (Short Pause) Cool. I get a wing.

Simmons: I call the turbine.

Sarge: Alright! Hunker up boys, hey Grif! What kinda meat do you like? First class, or coach?

Church: You know if we cook this thing at three hundred and fifty degrees at ten minutes a pound, it's not gonna be done for 11 years.

Sarge: That's why we're going to deep fry. (Oil Tanker Horn) There's the oil now!

Simmons: What was the leopard for?

Sarge: Presentation.

PSA Cold and Flu Season Tips

Grif: Hi everyone, I'm Private Dexter Grif from the popular web-series, Red vs. Blue.

Simmons: And as always, I'm Private Dick Simmons.

Grif: As many of you are no doubt aware, this flu season has been particularly harsh, even here in Blood Gulch.

Simmons: During the winter months, disease can spread like a virus, and as we all know, a virus can carry disease.

Doc: Trust me, I'm a doctor!

Simmons: No You're not! You just play one on the internet!

Caboose: I had all of those things, I was very sick.

Simmons: No you didn't Caboose.

Grif: No, it's true. Caboose got Asian Bird Flu.

Simmons: What?! How is that possible? Doesn't Asian Bird Flu only infect birds?

Grif: Somehow, he found a way.

Caboose: I am feeling much better now, and, I can fly. *Jumps off the cliff* (shouting) I am flying! *thump* Ow! The sky is very hard.

Planning to Fail

Grif: Hey Doc, nobody likes you.

Doc: What? What are you talking about, everybody likes me!

Grif: Everybody hates you. You don't fit in.

Doc: Oh? I think I fit in just fine.

Grif: Really.

Doc: Yes.

Grif: Okay, let me ask you this, Doc. What's your zombie plan?

Doc: My what?

Grif: There's two kinds of people in the world, Doc. Those who have a plan prepared for when the zombies take over the Earth, and those who don't. We call those last people dinner.

Doc: Nobody does that!

Grif: In my zombie plan, I'm going to Alaska, because zombies have no body heat. They'll freeze like corpse-sicles! It's brilliant!

Doc: Nobody else thinks about stuff like that!

Grif: Hey Simmons!

Simmons: What?

Grif: What's your zombie plan?

Simmons: I have two weeks worth of food stored in my attic. I climb up and pull up the ladder with me.

Doc: What?!

Grif: What happens at the ends of the two weeks?

Simmons: Oh, I'm keeping that to myself! I don't want to risk you turning into a zombie and knowing what I'm up to!

Doc: Oh, come on!

Simmons: You still doin Alaska?

Grif: You know it!

Simmons: You'll never make it Grif, the major freeways will be choked with stalled cars and people trying to flee the major population centers! Its going to be nothing but a tasty flesh bottleneck!

Grif I'm just going to have to take that risk!

Simmons: Good luck to you Grif!

Grif: Good luck to you too Simmons!

Doc: Are you guys brain-damaged?

Sarge: Hey you knuckleheads, what's all the yammering about?

Doc: Hey Sarge, do you have a, quote, "zombie plan", unquote?

Sarge: A zombie plan? Of course not!

Doc: See? I told you.

Sarge: I have 37 different zombie plans!

Grif: Wow. Now that's preperation! I am seriously impressed, Sarge.

Sarge: Well don't be, dirtbag. In 36 of the 37 plans I use your fresh corpse as bait, so that I can make my initial escape from the legions of the undead!

Grif: Well, at least I know there's one plan where I-

Sarge: In the 37th plan, I knowingly infect myself with the zombie virus, just so I can devour you!

Doc: Sarge, you gotta be pulling my leg.

Sarge: Why do you think I carry a shotgun with me at all times? You have to be ready to act on a moments notice! Hyah!

Doc: Guys, with all the problems in the world, I can't believe you spend this much time thinking about- [moaning in the distance] What's that?

[the camera then cuts to the Blues, who have been seemingly been infected]

Sarge: Romero's beard! The Blues have been infected!

Simmons: If anyone needs me I'll be in the attic!

Grif: Hello Juneau!

Sarge: Wait, Grif! I need your delicious meat for most of my plans! Hey there Doc, you a, don't wanna give me a hand with somethin do ya?

Doc: No.

Sarge: Where's your moistious meat?

[The Blues are pretending to be zombies]

Tucker: Hey Church, how long do we keep this up?

Church: When they all go into hiding, grab their flag and run.

Caboose: [speaking like a zombie] Briiiian. I want Briiiiiian!

Tucker: Caboose, it's brains, not Brian!

Caboose: Oops, sorry. I must have read the script wrong. Moaning. Moaning!

Tex: Shut up you guys! They're gonna hear us!

Tucker: Hey Tex, I bet it's been a while since you had some fresh meat!

Tex: Up yours.

Tucker: Bow-chicka-bow-ugh [groans like a zombie]

Holiday 2006

Grif: Hey everyone! You know, it's this time of year our thoughts turn to our family and our friends.

Simmons: That's why we here at Red Versus Blue want to wish every one of you a very merry Chris-

Doc: Hold it right there, guys!

Grif: Doc, stop interrupting our holiday message.

Doc: Uh, yeah. Listen guys, you should really know the holidays can be one of the most offensive times of the year.

Simmons: Offensive? Holidays are awesome! You get tons of Christmas presents, and you get a bunch of candy canes!

Doc: But just think about how exclusionary that statement is to people that don't celebrate Christmas! Or to dentists, or to people who use canes!

Simmons: Huh. I never looked at it that way.

Grif: Oh come on. I suppose you want to chicken out and just say Happy Holidays?

Doc: Yeah, I don't know. Holidays implies holy. Some people aren't religious at all! Also the word happy might be insensitive to people who suffer from depression.

Grif: What?

Simmons: He's right, you know. Each year, clinical depression affects millions of Americans.

Doc: Don't say Americans!

Simmons: Oops, right, you're right. Sorry. [Grif just stares at Doc]

Doc: What? It's a global platform!

Sarge: What're you knuckle-heads yackin' about? I thought I ordered you to have yule-tide cheer! I don't see any yules, now get to yulein'!

Grif: The Grinch over there is tellin' us we can't do the holiday message.

Sarge: What in Sam Hell? What Commie told ya that? I'll kick him in his Kringle. I'll punch him in his holly bush. I'm gonna rip off his partridge and kick him in the pear trees!

Grif: Doc and Simmons are worried about offending people that don't celebrate Christmas. [Doc makes a whiny noise] I mean the holidays.

Doc: Eh, still kinda...

Grif: [sighs] That don't celebrate a special time at the end of the year. Is that better?

Doc: The Aztecs use a different calendar. The end of their year is actually-

Grif: Oh come on! The Aztecs have been dead for like a billion years!

Sarge: For once I agree with Grif. This is total nonsense! This is our show. We can say whatever kind of greeting we want!

Doc: Okay, let's all just calm down before somebody gets too festive. Ahem, pardon me, I meant seasonally excited.

Sarge: That's a bunch of Rudolph droppings if you ask me. I'm not scared of offending people, just watch me go. Hi, this is Sarge from Red Versus Blue, and I want to wish everybody a very merry- [an Xbox 360 guide menu pops up in front of him and the screen goes black and white] Hey, get that thing out of here! {the menu closes] And give us back our color! [the color returns] That's better. Now as I was saying-

Grif: Uh, Sarge? I'd be careful if I were you.

Sarge: They can't stop the signal. Now on behalf of everyone here at Red Versus Blue, we want to wish you all out there a very Merry- [Sarge vanishes]. (An Xbox 360 alert pops up and says "GrifKilla51" signed out)

Grif: Whoa, what happened? Where'd Sarge go?

Doc: I guess they stopped the signal.

Simmons: Well, okay. If we can't say Happy Holidays, what can we say?

Doc: Just think of something as inoffensive as possible.

Simmons: What if we just say hi? Hello.

Doc: In what language?

Simmons: How 'bout we just send a universal mathematical message with no implied emotion?

Doc: Would you send it in hexadecimal?

Simmons: Sure.

( A hexadecimal message appears with a bunch of christmas decorations and christmas figures behind it.)

Let's All Go to the Movies

Church: You know, this is a time of year when we all try to figure out ways to avoid spending any more time with our families than we absolutely have to.

Grif: And there's no better way to do that than hiding from them in a big dark room with a bunch of strangers.

Church: We're talking, of course, about going to the movies. Or, if you find today's movies to be too sexually explicit, a strip club.

Church: Nowadays, most people treat a movie theater like their own home. And they treat their home like a gas station bathroom, which is gross.

Andy: Previews? What the hell is that? I don't want some previewed movie that other people have seen already! Those are the sloppy seconds of cinema!

Simmons: Aw, shut up!

Tucker: Shut up!

Church: Shut up!

Andy: Silence is golden? Ain't there any dialogue in this picture? That's okay, I got my own soundtrack: This sucks! Zing!

Grif: No, you suck!

Donut: This isn't open mic night!

Andy: I heard this movie got two thumbs up. My question is up what? Oooh! That burns!

Simmons: Why don't you go kill yourself?

Junior: Honk, honk, blarg, eh!

Grif: Shut that kid up!

Tucker: Don't tell me how to raise my child!

Caboose: I hate babies.

Simmons: Oh come on, take the little brat to the lobby!

Tucker: Allright, that's it. Get him, Junior!

Simmons: Oof! [Simmons falls out of sight]

Donut: I didn't know this was gonna be an action movie! Ew, an NC-17 action movie!

Simmons: Oh God, my spine! Put it back in, put it back in!

Caboose: [Stands up] Excuse me, excuse me. I have to go to the bathroom. Again.

Simmons: Get out of my way, I can't see!

Caboose: It's not my fault the small drink is 164 ounces!

Caboose: Uh oh. [stands] Emergency! Emergency! [Everyone yells at him to sit down and shut up] Don't yell at me! I have a nervous bladder! Oh boy. [sighs] It's okay, I don't have to go anymore.

Simmons: Oh, gross.

Caboose: I'm thirsty again.

[Cell phone rings]

Simmons: Hang up the fucking phone! [People yell]

Sister: God, chill out everybody, I have to take this! It could be incredibly important! [answers] Yo, what up, fools? [people yell] Oh, nothing. Whatcha doing? [More yelling] Aw, no way! I'm watching that movie right now too! [yelling] Oh snap, we're in the same theater! [Donut stands up]

Donut: What's up, girl?

Sister: What's up, dawg? God, doesn't this movie suck? All the people in here are assholes!

Church: Hey, can we wrap this up? I gotta get to a movie in a few minutes and I need to get a new tape for my video camera.

Grif: You're going to video tape the movie?

Church: Yeah, so?

Grif: Oh man, you gotta go digital! You'll get a much better copy for the black market.

Church: Oh, good idea, man. Thanks. You know, I just hope no one makes too much noise during the show. People who talk during movies are really ruining the industry.

Grif: Yeah, there ought to be a law.

Go Go Gadget Video

Caboose: [Standing amid a pile of junk] Someone help me - I lost my gas powered internet-enabled blow dryer! I have a lot of moistness that I need to dismoisten! And also I need to do it while I am webpaging about moistness.

Simmons: Sarge, did you just skate in here on a pair of robot vacuums?

Sarge: Don't be ridiculous, Simmons. These are robot vacuum smart-phones! You see the answer to today's overabundance of technology isn't fewer useless gadgets, it's more useless features in fewer usable gadgets!

Simmons: What?

Sarge: And of course it plays MP3s. Everything's gotta play MP3s - except your MP3 player! It now plays MP4s, 'cause everybody knows MP3s are a dead technology. They're our generation's betamax. And the next generation's Blu-ray.

Grif: What? Blu-ray just came out. It can't be obsolete already.

Sarge: Nonsense, numb-nuts. Being released to the public is what makes technology obsolete. The only way to stay ahead of the curve is to invest in products that don't exist, and hopefully never will. Like the iPlunger, or the Nintendonut.

Simmons: Hhh, or the Simmons two point five upgrade...

Sarge: Aw, that's just vaporware and you know it. Anyway, everybody knows this year's Blu-ray, is gonna be Red-ray. Heh heh.

Grif: What about HD-DVD?

Sarge: Bad marketing. Not enough repeated letters in the name to be catchy. So it's being replaced with HHD DDVVDDBVDs.

Church: Actually I just came back from the future. I got this new wristwatch, it's got a pedometer and a built-in time machine. Oh and it also plays MP3s. But in the future we don't call 'em MP3s. We call 'em MP48s

Grif: Sweet

Church: Yeah, you can also play MP48s on your HHDDVVDD BVD player

Sarge: Dar dern They stole my idea!

Caboose: I would just like everyone to know, I found my nucular powered SMS-messaging bowling ball. And I'm going to activate it now if anyone wants to text me while I'm playing.

Andy: Hey! I already told you, those ain't finger holes!

Simmons: Hey! I think Andy's resting on one of those laptops with the exploding batteries!

Grif: Uh-oh. [boom!]

Alien Auditions

[all characters are aliens]

O'Malley: Mwhahaha!! Blarg blarg honk, haha!

O'Malley: Mwhaha! Blarg honk, you say? hmm haha fools.

Sarge:Blargity blarg... Ya honkbag.

Tucker: Honk honk blarg blarg. Honkhonkblargblarg. Honk-honky blarg?

Sarge: Blarg. And also, honk. Are these really my lines? This is ridiculous! Who wrote this?!

Grif: Line...

Sarge: Enough blargin, when do I get to beat up Grif? He's got a honking coming to him!

Simmons: Whats the motivation here? Is there like, a boss alien whose ass I should be kissing? Honk honk blarg, sir!

Grif: Hey Simmons. Is it just me, or do you have your head halfway up Sarge's blonk?

Donut: Hey, guys! Honk honk blarg blarg. Honk blarg blarg, blarg honk!

Grif: This is stupid. This character has less lines than I do.

Grif: Blargever, dude.

Tucker: What am I talking about?

Caboose: I'm an alien.

Tucker: Well, what do the alien chicks look like?

Caboose: I AM AN ALIEN!

Tucker: Do they like to honk?

Caboose: (not pausing) I'm an alien, I'm an alien, I'm an alien, I'm an alien.

Church: Honk honk, blarg blarg, goddammit, honk.

Sheila: [As a Wraith tank] Honk honk. Firing main blarg

Church: [Fires sniper rifle] See? I'm telling you, there is something wrong with this honking thing. It doesn't work as an alien or as a person.

Lopez: (after a long pause) ...El honk.

Church: Hey reds, you honk! Blue blargs!

Donut: Who wants to see my honk honk? Go on, give it a blarg!

Church: Shut the blarg up!!!

Small Rewards

Caboose: I also have my own achievables!

Simmons: Shut up blue! We haven't even made any for you guys yet.

Caboose: Yes you have, see? Bleep Bloop. [A fake achievement pops up saying: You Got Achevables]

Simmons: That's not a real achievement!

Caboose: Yes it is, bleep bloop. [Another fake achievement pops up saying: 10 Points Yes It Is.]

Simmons: No! You can't do that! You can't fake the achievements they have to be approved! [A video achievement pops up saying: 10G - Wahmbulance, Whine like a bitch.]

Caboose: Bleep Bloop.

Simmons: Stop saying bleep bloop!

Caboose: Bleep Bloop. [Fake Achievement: Bleep Bloop]

Simmons: Stop it!

Caboose: Bleep Bloop. [Fake Achievement: Bleep Bloop]

Simmons: Stop it!

Caboose: Bleep Bloop. [Fake Achievement: Bloop Bloop]

Simmons: Okay, that's it, I quit.

Caboose: Bleep Bloop. [Fake Achievement: Daboop Doop] I have so many achievables! Bleep Bloop. [Fake Achievement: 1 Billion Point, won the video]

Caboose: [After a very long pause] Bleep Bloop! [Fake Achievement: Secret Bloop]

[Achievement pops up near the end of the video after about two minutes - Last two minutes of my life back]

Where There's Smoke...

Sarge: Why, hello! I'm Sarge from the popular webseries, Red vs. Blue.

Simmons: And I'm Private Dick Simmons from the same show. Recently, the Red vs. Blue production offices suffered a major fire that threatened to burn down an entire city block.

Sarge: Hmm, allegedly.

Simmons: So, our producers, and the judge, thought it would be a valuable service to the community if we made a PSA describing what we learned from the event.

[Cut to Hologram Room.]

Sarge: So today, we'll be presenting Red vs. Blue's "Fire Safety Tips".

Simmons: You may be asking yourself, "What is fire?" If you're asking that, it's because you're an idiot. You're probably also asking things like, "What am the sky?" and, "How does eat food?" Even cavemen knew what fire was you dumbass.

Sarge: And sure, you may know what fire is, but can you tell if something you own is on fire? You should look for the following signs:

1. Smoke

2. Heat

3. Fire

Sarge: Things that are on fire, typically have fire on them. It's a dead giveaway.

Simmons: So, what do you do if you're caught in a fire? We've assembled a quick list of tips to remember if you ever find yourself in a raging inferno.

Sarge: Step 1. Panic. Any modern scientist will tell you that fire requires and oxygen environment to burn. That same scientist will also tell you that the human body expels carbon dioxide with every breath. So screaming and panicking will rob a fire of its vital nutrients, thus putting it out.

Simmons: This tactic will vary based on the size of the fire. A very small flame will only require a minor amount of panic.

[Cut to Caboose standing in front of a fire.]

Caboose: I am somewhat concerned they are going to make another Indiana Jones movie. [The fire disappears.]

[Cut back to Sarge and Simmons]

Simmons: A medium size fire will require a moderate amount of panic.

[Cut to Caboose standing in front of a larger fire.]

Caboose: Did you hear that the swine flu is in Australia now? That can't be good. [The fire is put out.]

[Cut back to Sarge and Simmons]

Simmons: And for a five alarm situation:

[Cut to Caboose in the middle of an inferno.]

Caboose: I just watched a cable news channel! EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE! [The fire does not disipate.]

[Cut back to Sarge and Simmons]

Simmons: Clearly not enough panic. In this case, I would recommend reading some radical political blogs as well. Try doing a search for the phrase "Mayan Calendar".

Sarge: In fact, one of the largest fires in American history was at an all-girls private school. But the flames were extinguished when that dude from Twilight showed up.

Simmons: Also, you may have heard that, "Where there's smoke, there's fire." But actually, smoke is where fire used to be. It indicates the absence of fire.

Sarge: So just remember, when caught in a fire, head directly for the smoke.

Simmons: Climb on the ceiling if you have to.

Sarge: Also, statistics show that 95% of all fire does happen in a building, while only 5% happen in a vehicle.

Simmons: [Voice over of Caboose running to a Warthog.] So if your home catches fire, just head to your garage and get in your car. Wait there for help.

Caboose: [While running from fire.] Hot, hot, hot... [Gets in Warthog] Ah, now this is much cooler.

Simmons: Statistically, you're far less likely to be injured.

Sarge: But what happens if you can't get up above the fire and into the smoke? Or if you're unable to safely reach your vehicle? You're probably wondering, "What happens if I catch on fire?" This is a serious situation.

Simmons: We've set up these dummies to show when a person catches fire.

[Cut to Grif dummies.]

Grif: Wait a minute, I'm real!

[Cut back to Sarge and Simmons.]

Sarge: Shut up, dummie! [Throws fire grenade.]

Grif: OOOW!

Simmons: Fire is bad in high concentrations. so you wanna try and dilute it is as quickly as possible. Try spreading the flames out by passing them to as many other people as you can.

[Cut to Grif spreading fire to Caboose.]

Caboose: Thank you! Fire safety is about sharing.

[Cut back to Grif and Sarge.]

Sarge: Just remember stop, drop, and roll.

1. Stop

2. Drop and Roll

3. You're done

Sarge: Stop next to your friends, drop with a swift fire punch, and then roll around on them!

Simmons: This will spread the heat across many sources, quickly dissipating it!

Sarge: Uh, Simmons? We may have a situation here.

[Room exploding with fire around them.]

Simmons: I think you're right sir.

Sarge: Well, time to practice what we preached, Simmons! Let's get to panicking.

Simmons: On it sir. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Sarge: AAAH, AAAH, AAAAAAAH! Hey, hot foot.

[The screen then shows a memorial message that says "In loving memory of the Red Team 2003-2009"]

External Links

Wikipedia

Wikipedia has an article about:

Red vs. Blue

roostertooths.com - Full episode transcripts (unofficial Red vs. Blue resource site).