Radio Yerevan jokes

In the Soviet Union and the former Communist Eastern bloc countries, a popular type of humour emerged in the 1950s and 1960s featuring the fictional broadcaster called the Armenian Radio (армянское радио) in USSR and Radio Yerevan elsewhere. These questions are usually structured as a question-and-answer session, so many of them may start with "Radio Yerevan is asked", followed by "Radio Yerevan answers". For brevity, these introductory phrases are omitted.

Some of the authors that collected Soviet humour found that there were so many Armenian Radio jokes that they decided not to separate them in a distinct category, instead just marking them within each of the dozens of themes they created. Only a selection of them is presented here.

Jokes

Political

• — Is it possible to drive a Moskvitch on a curve at 100 km/h?

— In general yes, but only once.

• — (East Germany) Is it true that a Trabant can be faster than 130 km/h?

— That's true, it's just a matter of the height from which we will let it fall.

• — Is it true that in America everyone has a car?

— That's true, but here we have a parking place for everyone.

• — Which best traits has the Soviet society taken from the history of humankind?

— From primitive societies, we took the philosophy of life, slavery from the antiquity, hierarchy from feudalism, exploitation from capitalism and the name from socialism.

• — (East Germany) Somebody sent me the pill from the West. Is it possible to use it without breaking our socialist principles?

— In general no. However, if you want to stage a protest against the Pope with it, taking it would be a good socialist deed.

• — What did Germany inherit from Marx?

— The east got the communist manifesto, the west got the capital.

• — Is it true that socialism is the shining example of the golden age?

— Indeed, but all that glitters is not gold.

• — Why didn't we get onto the train leading us to a bright future?

— Because we were standing on a Marxist platform and it went from the other one.

• — Can bedbugs and lice start a revolution?

— Sure, because the blood of peasants and workers flows in them.

• — Can communism be built in Armenia?

— Yes, but it would be better to start from Georgia.

• — Can communism be built in Switzerland?

— Sure, but it would be a pity.

• — Can communism be built in Monaco?

— No, because it would be way too much for such a small country.

• — Can communism be built in the Sahara?

— Yes, but in the second five-year plan they will have to import sand.

• — Can communism be built?

— Well, you can build communism, but it's impossible to survive under it.

• — (Poland) Why is it the case that we call the Soviet Union "our brothers" and not "our friends"?

— You can choose friends.

• — Is it true that communism proved the Bible is lying?

— It's true. The Bible says that there was first chaos and then there was order. We know that first there was planning and then chaos.

• — What is the definition of chaos?

— We do not disclose any information about Soviet industry.

• — Is it true that there will be a war?

— No, there won't, but there will be such a struggle for peace that not one stone will be left standing.

• — What is a string quartet?

— It's Moscow's symphonic orchestra as it returns from a concert tour abroad.

• — Why is there no flour in the shops?

— They actually started adding it to bread.

• — Why is there nothing to eat while we are going to communism?

— Why eat on the road - when we arrive, we'll feast like pigs!

• — Why is there no meat in the shops?

— Because we are going to socialism so fast that pigs and cows can't keep up.

• — Is it true that there was meat in Moscow?

— Indeed, there was.

— Is it true that there was meat in Kyiv?

— That's also true.

— Is it true that there was also meat in Volgograd?

— Absolutely - the exhibition is still moving!

• — Dear comrades, I heard that during this five-year plan, every household will have a fridge, the next five-year plan sees every household with a cupboard, and when we arrive to communism, the party promises a helicopter to each family. Why would we need a chopper?

— Well, you know, what if there's some sausage delivery in a shop 200 kilometres away? You will be able to be first in the queue!

• — Is it true that USSR has the same freedom of speech as USA?

— That's true. In America you can write "Down with Reagan" on a banner and carry it to the White House, and you won't be arrested. In the Soviet Union, you can write "Down with Reagan" on a banner and carry it to the Red Square, and you won't be arrested, either.

• — Is it true that USSR has the same freedom of speech as USA?

— That's true, the USSR has freedom of speech, but USA also has freedom after speech.

• — Is there press censorship in the Soviet Union?

— No, there isn't. Unfortunately we cannot elaborate on this answer.

• — Is there secrecy of correspondence in the Soviet Union?

— Yes, there is. However, mail with anti-Soviet content will not be delivered.

• — Is it true that stereo sound systems are not needed in the Soviet Union?

— That's true, wherever you are, you hear the same thing anyway.

• — What are the types of unnatural love?

— Man with a man, woman with a woman, people's democracies with the USSR.

• — Can you explain in simple terms the difference between a democracy and a people's democracy?

  — Well, it's about the same difference as in between a jacket and a straitjacket.

• — Is it true that the United States is on the edge of a precipice?

— True, but we are a step farther than them.

• — Can demographic policy be planned by the government?

— No, it may not, because the means of production are in private hands.

• — Who was building the White Sea Canal?

— Those asking questions were doing the right bank, those answering them were doing the left bank.

• — Is it true that labour camps have excellent conditions?

— Yes, that's true. Five years ago one of our listeners wasn't so sure, so we sent him to make some research on this. It seems that he loved it because he hasn't returned yet.

• — Why have you stopped telling political jokes?

— Dear listener, we are deeply grateful we can eat white bread on the Black Sea and not the other way round.

• — Why has your signal quality become worse?

— Well, we now broadcast from Magadan.

• — Why have you stopped broadcasting?

— Because we fired the Jew who was answering the questions.

Sexual

• — Will the pill work on the Moon?

— It will, but the spacesuit will be hell of a better contraceptive.

• — My husband's performance is 150% at the kolkhoz he's in, but he fails in bed. What to do?

— Try screwing him in the kolkhoz.

• — Is it possible to fuck a woman on a square full of people?

— No, it's not, because there will be too many advisors.

• — Is it possible to fuck a hundred women in one night?

— Yes, if it's a polar night.

• — What to do if my dick will only point to my shoes?

— Place your shoes on top of a cupboard.

• — What's the difference between men's and women's legs?

— There's no difference in the legs, the difference is between them.

• — Can a woman make a man a millionaire?

— Absolutely, if he was a billionaire.

• — Who is a husband?

— A husband is a lover's deputy for household matters.

• — Where are all illnesses coming from?

— All disease comes from nerves, and only syphilis comes from pleasure.

• — Which disease is better to die from: dysentery or syphilis?

— Better to die a real man than a shitty man.

• — Is it true that Tchaikovsky was a homosexual?

— That's true, but that's not the only reason we love him.

• — What is the best anticonceptive?

— "Sleepalone."

• — Was Eve unfaithful to Adam?

— She was, particularly given that humans come from apes.

• — Can a woman become a diplomat?

— No, she can't. You see, diplomats and women have different understanding of words "yes" and "no". If a diplomat says "yes", that means "maybe", if he says "maybe", that means "no", if he says "no", what kind of diplomat is he? It's the reverse with women: if she says "no", that means "maybe", if she says "maybe", that means "yes", if she says "yes", what kind of woman is she?

Ethnic

• — What is the most beautiful city in the Soviet Union?

— Yerevan, obviously.

— How many nuclear bombs will it take to destroy Yerevan?

— Baku is also a beautiful city.

• — What is the friendship of peoples?

— It's when the Armenians, the Russians, the Ukrainians and other peoples of USSR unite in the higher good of beating up the Azeris.

• — During archeological excavations in Tbilisi we found a phone cable. Imagine how old is out our invention of phones in Georgia?

— Funny that. A couple of days ago we were digging in Yerevan and found nothing. You see how ancient our cellphone networks are?

• — What is the smartest nation in the world?

— Thanks for complimenting us!

• — What's the dumbest nation of all?

— But at least we have the best cognac.

• — How many stupid people are there in Armenia?

— You are welcome - you will be the first one.

Other

• — When were first free elections held?

— It was when God created Eve out of Adam's rib and then told him: "Choose a wife."

• — Why are some men bald and some not so?

— All men are bald, it's that in some cases, hair grows on it, and in some cases it doesn't.

• — What will come out of crossing a hedgehog with a snake?

— Three metres of barbed wire.

• — What will come out of crossing bedbugs with fireflies?

— A dense electrification network in the whole country.

• — Why are bedbugs flat?

— So that it would be more comfortable sleeping on them.

• — Can a 6-volt battery kill a man?

— Sure, if it falls from a cupboard.

• — What does it mean to be elderly?

— It's when half of your urine goes to lab tests.

• — What is a diet?

— It's when you are dying of hunger so that you live a little longer.

• — What is saving money?

— It's the art of spending money without getting any pleasure from it.

• — What do you have to do when there's a nuclear explosion?

— You have to cover yourself with a blanket and slowly crawl to a cemetery.

— Why slowly?

— So that you don't sow panic.

• — Why do legs smell when they sweat and hands don't?

— Remember where legs and hands grow from.

• — Is there life on Mars?

— No, not there, either.

• — Is it possible to live on one salary?

— Dunno, we haven't tried.