Press Gang

Press Gang (1989-1993) was a a British children's television comedy-drama produced by Richmond Film & Television for Central, and written by Steven Moffat, starring Julia Sawalha and Dexter Fletcher.

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Series One

Page One

Spike: If this was the olden days, if this was like thousands and thousands of years ago... I'd kill a dragon for you.

Photo Finish

Lynda: See where it says ruler? Well that's who it belongs to.

One Easy Lesson

Lynda: Are you telling me, Colin, you have spent Gazette money on a hundred thousand defective half ping-pong balls?

Deadline

Lynda: Starting from now we've got exactly three hours to write next week's news.

Kenny: Why me?

Lynda: Sullivan likes you.

Kenny: Sullivan hates me!

Lynda: All right, Sullivan knows you. Now go!”

Lynda: We'll have sewage all over the front page!

Kenny: [arriving at Mr Sullivan's house, nervous]: Hello, Mr Sewage!

A Night In

Lynda: Mr. Sullivan, this is Lynda. Could you wait just one moment? [looks at Spike expectantly] Goodbye. Send us a postcard. Wish you were there already [Spike storms out, Lynda looks back at the newsroom] Kenny, why have I just phoned the weather forecast?

Interface

Billy: From the neck down I'm history.

Lynda: That must be awful.

Billy: You don't know what an itchy nose means.

Lynda: You're not using enough of this. The plates are still greasy.

Mr. Homer: I don't like a lot of suds.

Lynda: But the plates are still greasy!

How To Make A Killing Part 1

Kenny: Oh, exaggerating am I? Okay. Ten years ago, school sports day.

Lynda: Oh here we go.

Kenny: Lynda Day is six years old.

Lynda: I can't believe you're bringing this up again.

Kenny: Do you know what she does?

Lynda: Apart from winning every event.

Kenny: Except one.

Lynda: That was badly adjudicated. It was a travesty of justice.

Kenny: Lynda, it was the egg and spoon race.

Lynda: Yeah and I was a clear two inches ahead of Suzy Bennett. Travis was blind.

Kenny: Travis was our teacher and he was blind. With tears of agony about two seconds later.

Lynda: Oh, I can't believe you're still bringing this up.

Kenny: And there he was with Lynda hanging from his leg by his teeth.

Lynda: This is pathetic, isn't it?

Kenny: It's true. You went straight up to him and sank your teeth into his leg.

Sarah: Kenny! [waiting for him to notice the phone is ringing; the call he's been anxiously waiting for]

Lynda: You're exaggerating again.

Kenny: He was all over the playing fields trying to shake you off.

Lynda: Oh, rubbish.

Kenny: I saw him in the street the other day. He still walks with a limp.

How To Make A Killing Part 2

Both Sides of the Paper

Money, Love and Birdseed

Monday-Tuesday

Shouldn't I Be Taller?

Series Two

Breakfast at Czar's

Lynda [picking up the phone]: Shut up, Kenny!

Lynda [on the phone]: Kenny, what choice have we got?

Kenny: How did you know it was me?

Lynda: Save the print run. We've got till seven. How did you know I was here?

Lynda (on Sam): "She's arrogant, self opinionated and impossible to deal with. Who does she think she is?

Kenny: You?

Colin: Can you imagine it? For two hours the audience sat and watched a box with a spotlight on it. Not many came back after the interval. At the end there were just these four drama students who gave it a standing ovation and asked me to join their drama group. Kenny, have you any idea how humiliating it is to take your escape artist home in a box?

Picking Up the Pieces

Sam [to Spike]: It's amazing how you're still a jerk under pressure.

Sam: Are you okay, Kenny?

Kenny: I told you, didn’t I? It’s Jenny. She dumped me.

Sam: Yeah, but that was this morning, wasn’t it? Kenny, everyone gets dumped. Even I’ve been dumped. Once. I think. Actually, what did happen to him? I think I might just have forgotten I had him. It’s terrible when you lose track of one, isn’t it?

Colin: Suzy, I caught one of your matches the other day and I was impressed. Just a little word of advice though, show your legs more.

Going Back to Jasper Street

Kenny: Look, can we discuss your proposed spending plan for the graphics department quarterly target allocation?

Sam: What does that word mean?

Kenny: Which one?

Sam: Any one.

Kenny: Graphic Department spending proposals. An HB pencil and a sunbed?

Sam: Well, I can explain the pencil.

Sam: Kenny, I need a sunbed. I need a skin tint that goes with my hair colour.

Kenny: And you think that's a justified office purchase, do you?

Sam: Yeah, of course, it's justified. If I don't stay gorgeous what are the guys round here going to think about at night?

Kenny: I'm sure they'll manage to think about someone else.

Sam: Exactly.

Kenny: Well, we'll compromise, then. How about a hole in the roof?

Sam: So, how are you feeling?

Kenny: You know how it is. No, I'm fine, really. I just have this occasional tendency to drop to my knees, beat the ground with my fists and sob hysterically. Mum has to tether me up the garden at night so I can howl at the moon, but basically, I'm still the warm, lovable human being as I ever was. Except I can't speak to brunettes without attempting to strangle them.

Sam: Hey, there are other girls in the world.

Kenny: "Yeah? That's what everyone says, but I don't believe them."

Lynda: How could anyone be madly in love with you?

Spike: I don't know. But then again, I'm the only person in this conversation who isn't.

Lynda: No, I am.

Mr Sullivan [on the conundrum of Lynda's woodcarving]: Well, it's obvious isn't it? A freak worm hole has opened up in the fabric of the space-time continuum. This seemingly insignificant woodcarving has been sucked back in time ten years to the bedroom of the infant Lynda Day. But what awesome celestial forces are behind this strange phenomenon? And what, Lynda, is their evil purpose? We shall have to act quickly to save the entire Universe!"

Lynda [aged 6, on Kenny]: He followed me. He always follows me.

The Week and Pizza

Lynda: I'm telling you, Kenny, Spike has absolutely no effect on me whatsoever.

Spike: Hey Lynda, is it okay if I borrow your pencil?

Lynda: Will you stop making stupid suggestive remarks!

Sam: But you're the perfect one to do it, Kenny. You've got that steel in you, Kenny.

Kenny: I see. So, you think that if you can perch on my desk, cross your legs, flatter me, ruffle my hair, that I'm going to fire Claire Pearson?

Sam: I haven't ruffled your hair.

Kenny: See, you're not even trying, are you?

Sam: Nice line, Kenny.

Sam: I'm beginning to think there are hidden depths in you.

Kenny: I've got depths like you wouldn't believe. I just don't spend much time there.

Kenny: I'm going in there now, and if you hear screaming, you know what to do?

Sam: Calm you down and get you a glass of water?

Kenny: No, watch and weep.

Sam [as he leaves, to Kate]: Flatter 'em, doubt 'em, challenge 'em. Never fails.

Colin: Do you want to buy a sucker gun?

Spike: What are those for, shooting your customers?

Spike: I remember when Lynda used to need two for a conversation.

Sam: I don't.

Kenny: The thing about Lynda is, Sam, she's not half as hard as wants you to think.

Love and the Junior Gazette

Kelly/Dublin Girl [on the phone to Kenny]: Are you a nice guy?

Kenny: Me, nice? You’re talking to world champion nice here. I’m so nice I get socks for Christmas – and I like it. I’m so sweet and lovable cuddly toys sneer at me.

Kelly: Then I guess you’ll never get dumped.

Lynda: Of course - your dear old aunt in Sherrington. What is it this time? Ill? Dead? Tell me, how do you justify being off work at her funeral on no less than eight separate occasions?

Kenny: She is my aunt!

Lynda: Kenny - this woman has died a total of eight times!

Kenny: How do you think I feel?

Sam: That's not what lasting relationships are based on. I should know - I've had hundreds of them.

Sarah: I've just met the most wonderful guy in the world, and my life is over!

At Last A Dragon

Spike: I'm a great kisser, Lynda. Seventeen years, and never dribbled.

Lynda: I expect you practice a lot on your own.

Spike: Absolutely. I have this pair of rubber lips.

Lynda: I can see that.

Lynda: Is that a joke about my height?

Spike: I wouldn't stoop so low.

Spike: Actually, I'm six foot three. I've just been standing in a hole since I was seven.

Lynda: Yes, I've often thought of you that way.

Spike: You're very pretty when you're angry. Of course, I've never seen you any other way. Maybe you're angry when you're pretty.

Spike: I was cracking those jokes at myself. You just stood in front of me.

Lynda: Can we for once just be two normal people?

Spike: I can be two normal people if you can.

Lynda: So just don't get up to any crazy stuff.

Spike: When have I ever done that?

Lynda: The school dance.

Spike: Apart from that.

Lynda: The sixth year social.

Spike: And the sixth year social.

Lynda: The fifth year social, the fourth year social...

Spike: Apart from those...

Lynda: Sarah's birthday party, Julie's birthday party, Kevin's birthday party... The school sports day, the staff/pupil social...

Spike: I don't remember the staff/pupil social.

Lynda: That's part of the problem.

Spike [to Lynda]: For the record, you're the last person in the world I would ever let down. I thought you'd have worked that out by now.

Spike: The school dance, the sixth year social, Sarah's birthday party, Kevin's birthday party, Julie's birthday party...

Lynda: What about them?

Spike: You were never there. I figured there was a reason.

Lynda: I don't do conversation! Anything I say comes out like an order. I say 'hello' and people salute.

Lynda: Why do you have to keep following me?

Spike: Mostly, the view.

Colin: So. You saw through my disguise.

Spike: A tablecloth with a headband round it? No, I just took a lucky guess!

Lynda: You know, when I was fourteen I pretended I was ill at my own birthday party. Kenny came up to my room and we played chess all evening.

Spike: Good old Kenny.

Lynda: He won three games in a row, and I threw him out.

Spike [hearing a glass break behind him]: Don't look at me. That wasn't my heart!

Spike: Colin, Lynda's here tonight. It's very important for her to make a good impression, and it's not going to look too good if her financial advisor is here dressed as an Arabian knight trying to sell oil fields under the high school!

Lynda: I think you're getting the wrong idea about this kiss.

Spike: I'm not, Lynda, honest. It's just a kiss between friends, right? A thank you kiss. It doesn't mean a thing - I know that.

Lynda: I knew you were getting the wrong idea.

Something Terrible Part 1

Lynda [to Spike, on the window ledge]: Spike, this is stupid. You could have an accident.

Spike: I'll be okay.

Lynda: You don't know what I have in mind.

Spike: Lynda, going out together usually involves - and this may surprise you - going out together. Like dates and stuff. Like maybe even seeing one another occasionally. I know, it was in Biology.

Spike: I mean, what have I got out of this so far? I'll tell you, Lynda! Five lousy kisses! I counted.

Lynda: Is that why I felt your lips move? What do you mean, lousy kisses?

Spike: I mean forgetting to take the pencil out of your mouth first. That loses you points, Lynda. Of course, you gain a few for helping me get it out of my nose afterwards. And washing all the blood off my shirt. And the walls.

Colin: Height?

Benjamin: Four foot two, not counting my head.

Malcolm Bullivant: I'm not staying. But I've got to kill someone before I go.

Kenny: I see, yes - must be a tough habit to break. Listen, couldn't you just skip today's murder and do two tomorrow?

Lynda: Got a minute?

Kenny: Actually, no. There's someone here to kill Colin.

Lynda: Well, I'm sure he can manage it without you.

Colin [on his sister]: She's always got chocolate. We have to keep feeding her sweets so she won't eat the furniture.

Colin: So, you didn't think your black belt in judo was worth mentioning?

Benjamin: Well, I thought people would be more interested in the train-spotting angle.

Colin: So, who hates me enough to want me battered senseless by Malcolm the shaving gorilla?

Frazz: Shall I get the list?

Tiddler: Colin, what does a rabbit mean to you?

Colin: A four-pack of lucky feet.

Colin: I don't deal in animals unless they're freeze-dried in cellophane.

Lynda [feeding her goldfish]: Come on, eat your food, Sullivan. You won't grow up to be a shark if you don't eat your food.

[Chrissie wants to know what's going on at the Junior Gazette]

Sam: Well, Spike and Lynda are pretending they're not going out with each other, and we're pretending we don't know.

Kenny: I haven't had so much fun since she sprained her arm in Primary Five.

Chrissie: Explain something to me, Kenny. You two are supposed to be the best of friends. How come you enjoyed her spraining her arm?

Kenny: We are the best of friends. She was trying to push me out of a window at the time."

Mrs Day: She didn't push you out of the window, did she?

Spike: No. I jumped.

Mrs Day: I know how you feel...

Something Terrible Part 2

Frazz: In love? With Attila the Skirt?

Spike: You got it!

Frazz: Tell me one thing, Spike. Does she kiss with her teeth?

Spike: That's a painful subject.

Lynda: One thing I've always wondered about you, Graham. When you wake up in the morning, how do you tell?

Sam: Hi, Spike! How's the latest brunette?

Spike: Sam, she's not just my latest brunette.

Sam: I didn't mean your latest brunette, Spike - I meant hers. So, how are you, Spike?

Colin: No, I mean straight! Really! Look, I know how I sound. I open my mouth, and it's a hustle! I can't help that. But this is not for me. Just this once I'm not pulling something.

Miss McGuigan: Colin thinks there might be a radioactive lizard in the filing cabinet.

Mr Sullivan: Again?

Colin: Can I talk to you seriously for a moment?

Mr Sullivan: I very much doubt it.

Lynda: Colin, I want the books. And I don't want to hear how they've been eaten by your cat, or how they were stolen by a roving band of deranged accountants, or how the recent stock market collapse in New Guinea has rendered the figures meaningless in a very real sense. I want the books now!

Colin: I'm no use. You know what I am? I'm a pink rabbit at a funeral. I'm a radioactive lizard in a filing cabinet. I'm the guy who tried to market the inflatable telephone for the poolside executive. My own mother doesn't believe a word I say without three independent witnesses and a death threat.

Lynda: I was just going up these stairs.

Colin: Right.

Lynda: No particular reason.

Colin: You said.

Lynda: Well, I'll just go up them, then.

Spike [arriving]: I was just going up these stairs. No particular reason or anything.

Lynda: Me neither.

Spike: Is that right?

Lynda: What a coincidence?

Spike: It's just amazing!

Colin: Look, would you both mind? You're both very cute and everything, I mean if you're selling the film rights to this little romance, I'm in, but just at the moment I really don't want to listen to it.

Colin: Of all the people I thought would notice...

Lynda: I'm the last?

Colin: And of all the people I thought would care...

Lynda: I'm not sure I do care - I don't know what your problem is yet. But I do know it's serious.

Colin: And how do you know that?

Lynda: Because you live for what you do. You live to hustle, right?

Colin: Well, sure. So?

Lynda: It's like you live for your work. Like there's nothing outside of that. No social life, nothing. And, of course, there's your appalling dress sense.

Colin: What's appalling dress sense got to do with it?

Lynda: I'm trying to think of everything we have in common. The point I'm making is this. I know how an obsessive behaves. Because I am one. And I know how much it takes to knock an obsessive off the tracks because I've been there.

Lynda [to Colin]: You're right, you're a salesman - the best salesman I've ever met. So sell!

Lynda [on the phone]: I want you in at five, as well, okay?

Kenny: Couldn't I come in any earlier? I hate having a proper night's sleep. I start getting used to it.

Lynda: Okay, half-past four.

Sarah [on Colin]: He's actually quite intelligent, isn't he?

Lynda: It's just a phase.

Lynda [to Colin]: I just wanted to say. You're an immoral, dishonest, tasteless little hustler - but you're okay.

Friends Like These

Lynda : I've had my day off now. Can I come in?

Kenny: It's still the morning.

Lynda : I got up early.

Kenny: Look, Lynda, make the effort. Relax.

Lynda : Have Spike wrapped and delivered. I'm bored.

Sam [to Kenny]: So, boss, how's power? Still talking to the little people?

Kenny: Yeah, sure. By the way, who are you?

Tiddler: Why does everyone always ignore me?

Spike: Who said that?

Sarah: Can you explain to me how I have just argued myself into doing exactly what you wanted me to do in the first place? You are a devious, unfeeling, calculating, manipulative bitch.

Lynda : Well you were asking what made me a better choice for editor.

Colin [dressed as an alien]: Kenny. Can we talk?

Kenny : You know, I’ve always wondered what planet you were on.

The Rest of My Life

Kenny: I'm not going to let you go to pieces while there is nothing to go to pieces about.

Lynda: So what are you saying, I should go in there and edit a newspaper?

Kenny: Put it this way, what would Spike want you to do?

Lynda: The usual. Wear tighter clothes and show more cleavage.

Kenny: Well, are you going to give into that kind of rubbish?

Lynda: If you weren’t such a perfect friend, I could like you better. And, by the way, I don’t mean that.

Kenny: Oh, I’ll get over it. You’re only calling me perfect because you’re mad at me.

Kenny: We'll need a lot of ten pences.

Lynda [handing him the swear box]: Didn't anyone ever tell you money is dirty word?

Kenny: Why did I ever doubt you, boss?

Spike: [on Lynda] She has a temper as short as her skirt.

Yesterday's News

Kenny: Lynda, I really don't think this is a good idea.

Lynda: When I say you're in charge, you're in charge, Kenny!

Lynda: Do we have to involve the entire newsroom in any little fight we have?

Spike: I don't know. Shall we take a vote?

Rock Solid

Sam:[asking for extra concessions] And how about Lynda Day strung up by her ankles?

Kenny: No problem. I believe it's how she sleeps.

Kenny: What are you doing in my wardrobe?

Colin: Well your mum said I could wait in your room.

Kenny: I don't think she meant in my wardrobe.

Colin: Would it have killed her to be a little more specific?

Kenny [on his music]: I'm warning you, Colin. This is the one thing in my life that doesn't get dragged through Lynda Day's newsroom and it's staying that way!

Lynda: Kenny, can you go and shout at Graham for me?

Kenny: Any particular reason?

Lynda: Yes, but I forget. Better keep it general.

Lynda: Tell Sarah the lead article is completely lousy, and if she doesn't have it up to scratch by seven tonight, I'll burn her house down.

Kenny: Lynda, is there something you want to tell me about?

Kenny [on being slapped in the face by an unknown woman]: Normally beautiful women just ignore me. I see I'm entering a new stage.

Colin: Let's do lunch!

Colin [on the phone]: Sure you're calm enough, Kenny?

Kenny: Colin, it's me. I invented calm. I only have a pulse at weekends. Where is lunch?

Colin: You don't sound calm.

Kenny: It's a voice exercise. I have to talk through my teeth and imagine I'm kicking puppies.

Kenny: Colin, I know that you arranged for Frazz to tape me in my wardrobe, so I would guess that you also arranged for the most beautiful woman I've ever seen to walk into my life and slap me in the face.

Colin: Yeah, sorry about that, kid.

Kenny: No problem. Actually, that's what it was kind of like with me and Jenny, only she took longer on the backswing. But one question does spring to mind: why?

Colin: Kenny, where do you see yourself in ten years time?

Kenny: Being nice to people in a new and older age group, being dumped by all my girlfriends for being too boringly nice, and never getting further through a sentence than 'But Lynda...'

Kenny: Colin, you are almost worth knowing for moments like these.

Colin: There's a real world out there.

Kenny: Yeah, and you ought to try it some time.

Kenny: In your world, Colin, what colour is the sky? Do the trees talk to you?

Kenny: Colin, try and understand this. I'm not agreeing. There's absolutely no way on this earth I'm ever going to be a rock star. Okay?

Lynda: You know, you're the one thing in my life I can always rely on. Whatever happens you're always there. There are never any surprises with you, Kenny.

Kenny: I don’t have a secret life.

Colin: You do now.

[Voiceover from credits]:

Sam: I was just wondering if you were a bit nervous about all this rock star thing.

Kenny: Well, a bit, I suppose, but don't tell anyone. I'm trying to hide it.

Sam: From that point of view, don't you think it would be a good idea if you came out from under the desk?

Kenny: "Tomorrow, definitely.

Sam: Can I give you a word of advice about being a rock star?

Kenny: “You’ve talked me out of it.

Sam: I’m not trying to. Kenny, rock stars are kind of, well, mean. What you’ve got to do is less of the cute, and more of the mean. I want you to find the mean part of yourself, Kenny.

Kenny: I lied to my Mum once… I told her I’d had a school lunch when I’d given my dinner money to Help the Aged.

The Big Finish?

Kenny: Lynda wants me there [at the presentation]. What sort of guy would I be if I went off and played at being a rock star?

Sam: I think you should give a lot of consideration to that.

Spike: I hear the singing's great. I hear the song's great. All you need is a little personality. Kenny, I'm here to teach you personality.

Spike: You want me to find Kenny for you?

Colin: You know where he is?

Spike: I could guess who he's with. Next best thing.

Mr Sullivan: That's the thing about teaching. Sometimes they actually learn.

Spike: Is Kenny ever wrong about anything?

Lynda: I know someone who says they saw it happen but I think they were just talking big.

Kenny: Thanks.

Lynda: For what?

Kenny: I don't know. Everything.

Lynda: I'm not responsible for everything. I just make it look that way.

Lynda [to Kenny]: You going to be okay?

Spike: Okay? He’s going to be better than okay. He’s going to be like me, only with niceness, and in tune.

Kenny: Do you think I can really do this?

Lynda: Kenny Phillips can do anything he wants to.

Mr Sullivan: Lynda, you're not at school any more. You don't have to call me 'sir'.

Lynda: I know. Sir.

Series Three

The Big Hello

Kenny: I think I'm going to enjoy being grown up.

Lynda: You were never anything else.

Kenny [sarcastically]: Well, hold the front page.

[Hold the front page! echoes across the newsroom]

Kenny: Everyone, I was joking!

Kenny: I have faith in human nature.

Lynda: Well, you don't get out much.

Lynda: Why do you always assume I'm incapable of handling anything technical?

Kenny: I find it saves time.

Lynda: Can I dock someone's pay?

Kenny: On your birthday. If you've been good.

Kenny: Why, it’s Cinderella back from the ball. So how was Prince Charming?

Lynda: Stow it, Buttons!

Kenny: Fair enough, boss. Actually, I’ve always thought of you more as the wicked queen from Snow White.

Lynda: This is lying, Kenny. I haven't dropped dead, either.

Kenny: Well, it could take you this long to stop talking.

Lynda: It's you and me, Kenny. The wicked queen and Jiminy Cricket.

Kenny: Highest IQ in the room, and I stay friends with her.

Killer on the Line

Spike: Know what that woman's done to me?

Frazz: Dated you, dumped you, broken your heart, driven you back to America, and given you a serious hang-up about all other women because you know you're basically still crazy about her and always will be.

Spike: Lucky guess.

Frazz: Did I miss anything?

Spike: She stole my damn passport.

Spike [answering the phone]: Spike Thomson, advice line for the love-lorn.

Kenny: I’ve just met someone I really like. Is it too soon to steal her passport?

Spike: You know about that?

Kenny: Spike, it’s Kenny.

Kenny [on the newsagent]: Just a plain and ordinary guy I wouldn't mind seeing dead.

Lynda: Dear diary, it's that cute American again, and he's searching my desk. Does this mean he fancies me? It's so difficult to know what to say in these situations. One wants to be firm with him, but just a little seductive. Find out what the hell he's doing, but maybe encourage him a little. I need style, authority, and sex appeal. [pause, and, to Spike] Something of interest in my drawers?

Colin: Spike, baby. I didn't know you were back from Birmingham!

Spike: America, Colin. I went home to America.

Colin: No kidding - I thought you were from Birmingham.

Colin: And put in loads of adjectives. I love those.

Colin: I'm not really following all this, am I?

Lynda: This is life. No guaranteed happy endings.

Chance is a Fine Thing

Kenny: Do you realise, if it wasn’t for a coincidence of floorboard repair and post fifty odd years ago, I wouldn’t exist? I just find that weird. Scary. My whole life is the result of some dumb mistake. I feel like I’m not supposed to be here. Is that sounding, like, really dumb and stupid?

Lynda: Yes. Come on, let’s get some more coffees and see who we can fire from graphics.

Kenny: Well, I’m sorry if my problems are not providing enough entertainment for you, Lynda!

Lynda: Oh, don’t be like that, Kenny. They usually do.

Kenny: I want to discuss this.

Lynda: Kenny, what's the point? You'll only start going on about philosophy and destiny and the meaning of life. I hate those. [To the waitress] Actually, forget the biscuits, he's putting on weight.

Kenny : Try and understand. I want to discuss a problem I am having with my closest friend.

Lynda: Haven't you got any other problems?

Kenny : Specifically, the problem I have concerning the letter.

Lynda: But I don't like that one!

Kenny [to the waitress]: I am not putting on weight, I will have those biscuits, thank you.

Lynda [to the waitress]: Just the one, though.

Kenny: Look, let me put it another way -.

Lynda: A really different way?

Kenny: Remember that time I kept getting a wrong number? I was trying to phone my aunt.

Lynda: Oh, right, yeah. The girl in Dublin.” [To the waitress] He fell in love with a wrong number!

Kenny: Look, I really clicked with that girl. Now, suppose I had actually found out her number, and we’d met up? It’s possible, I’m only saying possible, that we could have ended up some day together. Married, with kids, or whatever.

Lynda: Some people get over a wrong number faster than this.

Kenny: That's not the point I'm making. Now just think of all the future yet unborn whose existence could depend on something as dumb as a wrong number.

Lynda [to the waitress]: Actually, forget the coffees, I'm worried about his blood pressure, too.

Lynda [to Kenny, on the other side of the door]: I'm making a few concessions here - just a few conditions under which I'm prepared to discuss your problem.

Kenny: Okay, let's hear them.

Lynda: I can't come in?

Kenny: Conditions?

Lynda: I got them typed up. [She passes paper through the letter-box]

Kenny: Fifteen, Lynda? What I had in mind was a more personal, sincere apology.

Lynda: I told you. It’s in your in-tray.

Kenny [opening the door]: Why do you have absolutely no conception of the responsibilities of friendship?

Lynda: Oh, that's nice, the same day I send you a memo.

Kenny: I just don’t understand why it’s so difficult to discuss a problem with my best friend.

Lynda: And I don’t see why it has to be that particular problem. You’ve got hundreds.

Kenny: What do you mean, I've got hundreds?

Lynda: Oh, come on, Kenny, you're a complete neurotic!

Kenny: I'm a complete neurotic? Well, let's just take a little look at who's talking here!

Lynda: What do you mean by that?

Kenny: Well, no offence, Lynda, but let's be honest. You're a selfish, paranoic, maladjusted, psychotic, complete bitch!

[Lynda slams the door in his face.]

Lynda [on Kenny's new theory of destiny]: Don't talk so wet, Kenny, there's no such thing.

Lynda: What came after maladjusted? I'm considering a tattoo.

Kenny: I'm sorry, too, boss.

Lynda: Who was it?

Kenny: Oh, just a wrong number.

The Last Word Part 1

Lynda: You and me Spike, we're held together by a force even stronger than true love.

Spike: Which is?

Lynda: We both want the last word.

Kenny: I hate to interrupt this, but you've got a budget meeting with Kerr.

Lynda: This is flirt time with Spike - top of the page.

Kenny [checking the diary]: I stand corrected.

Kenny: Is this the arm off a Garfield?

Lynda: So I've got a temper. Colin, where are the last two finance reports?

Colin: Er, I'm not going to lie to you Lynda, I stole them.

Lynda: For what reason did you steal them?

Colin: I didn't want you going to the budget meeting without me kid. I hate seeing you out of your depth.

Lynda: What?

Colin: It pains me to say this about my own editor Lynda, but on occasion I have noticed a certain bluntness about your negotiating techniques. Specifically: don't throw the ashtray.

Kenny [being held at gunpoint]: Is this a burglary? Not that I'm trying to rush you or anything.

Lynda [on the broken mirror]: It's the kind of thing that could make a girl insecure about her looks.

Lynda: Wrong day to power dress.

Kenny: Coffee-making. That's something I always wanted to have a shot at.

Lynda: I think you're getting your biology a little confused.

Colin: Do you have to keep pointing at me gun-wise? It's just that I've got a naturally high fear level. Probably if you were just a bit cross with me, that would do it.

Colin: Those guys out there haven't quite made up their minds about you. I mean, maybe you're just one of these wacky kids who likes to tease his friends with a loaded firearm. We all know one.

The Last Word Part 2

Spike: What do you know? Twelve o'clock and we've had a gun siege already.

Colin: Can I just say, on behalf on everyone, I'm glad you didn't kill Kenny. That would have been one serious bummer. I'm sorry if I'm sounding emotional.

Spike: Lynda! I don't know what this means, but Colin says "don't throw the ashtray".

Lynda [on being held hostage by a gunman]: Kenny, I want you to get up and walk out of here.

Gunman: Don't.

Kenny: Well, look, can you two maybe come to some kind of agreement on this?

Kenny: If I get killed doing this, you're going to feel really guilty.

Lynda: Why would I? You won't be there to tell me to.

Lynda: Kenny, just do as I tell you!

Kenny: That is the nature of our friendship.

Holding On

Series Four

Bad News [4.1]

Matt Kerr: [to Lynda] You are a lady of unexpected depths Lynda, to which you regularly sink.

Lynda: Colin, one lousy time I threw an ashtray, that doesn't mean I'm going to do it at every meeting.

Colin: This Bobby Campbell fella sounds like a right sleazy, money-grabbing low-life. Just my type of guy.

Bobby Campbell: The Junior Gazette is closing, no further discussion.

Colin: I really respect bluntness Bob--

Bobby Campbell:Now listen to me. Your paper doesn't sell enough. It doesn't make enough money, so it's finished, and I'm closing it. Understood? Understood?

Lynda: Bluntness City.

Bobby Campbell: Fine. Matt, can we discuss what you're charging for advertising...

(Colin roughly grabs the ashtray and Lynda forcibly tries to wrestle it from him)

Lynda: I expected a serious interview. What I didn't expect was to find myself talking to an improbable looking domestic pet that has somehow acquired the power of speech!

Lynda [on a Children's TV show]: Strangely enough, I don't feel like taking advice from a man who spends his time behind a sofa with his arm up an artificial cat.

Sarah: Do you really think it's reasonable to keep punishing people for not being Kenny?

Lynda: Well, they're not, are they?

Sarah: We’re going to need to find someone who can stand sitting here, which isn’t an easy trick.

Lynda: Have we tried everyone?

Sarah: Everyone who was willing.

Lynda: That didn’t seem to take long.

Lynda: I'm grateful. In fact, I'm so grateful I could kill you.

Frazz: Sex and violence. I love children's television.

Colin: Look, someone's going to do a biggy on this story. At least if it's us, it will be done with tact, taste and discretion. With free Spike and Lynda dolls!

UneXpected [4.2]

Frazz: I don't like socialising with fictional characters.

Spike': My ego got so big, it left me.

Series Five

Windfall [5.5]

Colin: One minute, it’s all nice and normal and then suddenly everything’s dead! It’s like that school zoo trip all over again…

There Are Crocodiles [5.6]

Lynda: Okay - it's like this. There's a tribe living by a river, and in the river there are crocodiles. The tribe has one particular piece of wisdom passed down through the generations. It goes like this: if you happen to meet a crocodile, don't stick your head in its mouth. Every now and then - and who knows the reason - people ignore this advice. Which is sad. Because they die. But very stupid because they were warned. They had a choice. The moral of this story is - you can't afford to be stupid. There are crocodiles.

[Frazz is trying to explain why the Gazette team lost the football match to Lynda]

Frazz: Tell me something, Lynda. Given that we were already twenty-one goals behind, given that we were two players down because you personally sent them off for being consistently late on deadlines. Given those things, don't you think it was an unusual tactic to suddenly score against your own side and concuss your team captain?

Lynda: Well, it had the benefit of surprise.

Lynda: If someone's in my toilet, I want to know what they're doing!

Spike: She has a passion for detail.

Julie: You're late!

Lynda: You're fired! I win.

Lynda: Julie, about your taste in men...

Julie: Yeah?

Lynda: Get some!

Spike: Why has it taken me this long to realise you are just as big a monster as you seem to be?

Frazz: If you explain just one thing. Why do you insist on constantly scoring against us? I mean, five times in one match!

Lynda: It was personal. Spike and I are fighting and you had him in goal.

Frazz: Colin, can I make one general point about the game of football?

Colin: Hey, coach, shoot! I do still regard myself as a beginner.

Frazz: No matter how badly your team are doing, you are not - under any circumstances - allowed to change sides!

Lynda: Have you had a look at the world lately? Just how dumb do you think it is safe to be around here? There's plenty of stuff going on that kills you and you don't get warned at all. So sticking your head in a crocodile you were told about is not calculated to get my sympathy.

Lynda [to Spike]: Too late, you said you loved me. And you've now said that eight times more than me, so I'm definitely winning in this relationship!