- Written and directed by John Waters.
- This beautiful mobile home you see before you is the current hideout of the notorious beauty Divine, the filthiest person alive!
- [after Raymond exposes himself to a transsexual in the park, and, shocked, runs away] That is not the only shock you have before you, Raymond Marble, because at this exact moment Divine has learned of your jealous scheme from the local town gossip. She also has your address, ass hole!
- I haven't fallen in love for three whole days!
- The next package you bring me is getting shoved right up your little ass, can you comprehend that?!
- Oh my God Almighty! Someone has sent me a BOWEL MOVEMENT!
- You know who I am, bitch! I'm the filthiest person alive, that's who I am!
- Hold these goddamn chickens!
- Mama, nobody sends you a turd and expects to live. Nobody!
- Do my balls, Mama!
- I guess there's just two kinds of people, Miss Sandstone, my kind of people, and assholes. It's rather obvious which category you fit into.
- We'll see who's the filthiest person alive! We'll JUST SEE!
- Babs Johnson, oh what a stupid fucking name! She sounds like a chimpanzee on a tire swing.
- Oh I love you Raymond. I love you more than anything in this whole world! I love you even more than my own filthiness! More than my hair color! More than the sound of bones breaking! The sounds of death rattles! Even more than my own SHIT do I love you, Raymond!
- How can a couch be out of order?!
- Sandy Sandstone: Eat the bird, bitch!
- Cookie: I may have to degrade myself in front of Divine's son. He's into a very strange sex scene.
- Edie: Eggs! Eggs! Eggs!
- Birthday Card: Happy birthday, fatso.
- Cotton: Murder merely relieves tension.
- Raymond Marble: As you know, Divine has achieved a sort of fame lately, both locally and on the national level. You may have heard the term the "filthiest person alive"?
- Cookie: I have heard the term, yes. The papers call her that and she is known as that to a limited extent in your more crime-conscious sections of the city.
- Connie Marble: Well we feel this to be an untrue statement! We feel that Raymond and I far surpass her in every aspect of the term filth. As you know, we run a baby ring. It's really a very simple process, we keep two girls at all time who are impregnated by Channing, our rather fertile servant. We sell the babies to lesbian couples, and then we invest the money in various businesses around town.
- Raymond Marble: We own a few pornography shops, plus we front money to a chain of heroin-pushers in the inner-city elementary schools.
- Connie Marble: We feel the attention that's been focused on Divine lately is most unfair. She is merely a common thief and murderer. Unfortunately for us our line of work limits our chances for publicity and travel, but this does not mean that we wish to go unnoticed. After all, we have not worked all these years in order to be outstaged by this fat hog that calls herself divine!
- Crackers: This is my grandma, Edie.
- Cookie: What's... what's the matter with her?
- The Egg Man: And now, Edie, what will it be today? I have Grade A extra large, I have Grade A large, I have medium, I have small, I have brown and I have white. Just look at these, so fresh you could hardly believe it. They're just begging to be scrambled or fried or poached or hard boiled. Or ready to be thrown into a big, fat, juicy omelet! How about it, Edie? What will it be for the lady that the eggs like the most?
- Edie: I want them all! I'll have the brown ones, and those great big white ones, and I'll have those over there. And I want them for frying and for scrambling, and for hard-boiled for snacks. Oh, God!
- The Egg Man: Miss Edie, as long as there are chicken layin' and truck drivin' and my feet walkin', you can be sure that l will bring you the finest of the fine, the largest of the large and the whitest of the white. ln other words, that thin-shelled ovum of the domestic fowl will never be safe as long as there are chicken layin' and l'm alive because l am your eggman and there ain't a better one in town!
- Hitchhiker: Where'd you get this beautiful car?
- Raymond Marble: At a car dealer, where did you think?
- Connie Marble: Where ya going?
- Hitchhiker: Just downtown, anywhere near Howard street.
- Connie Marble: Oh, meeting someone?
- Hitchhiker: Yeah.
- Connie Marble: Who?!
- Hitchhiker: My boyfriend and a couple of other guys. Why?
- Raymond Marble: Going to do a gang bang or something?
- Hitchhiker: What? Hey, what's with you two?
- Connie Marble: We just wondered where you were planning to spread your VD today, that's all, hussy.
- Cotton: Mmm, smells delicious Babs!
- Babs Johnson: Thank you Cotton, it should. I warmed it up when I was downtown today in my own little oven!
- Crackers: Ew, their bedroom, their fuck chamber itself!
- Babs Johnson: This is where they mate, Crackers, right here on this very bed, this is where they touch their uninspired little organs together, vainly trying to recharge their worn out battery of filthiness, thrashing and moaning in the still of the night!
- Crackers: What kinda shit turns them on, Mama? What do they do in here?
- Babs Johnson: Oh all sorts of disgusting positions I would imagine, Crackers. Connie probably takes Raymond's little peanut of a cock between her brittle chapped lips and then scrapes her ugly decayed teeth up and down on it while asshole Raymond thinks he's getting the best head on the East Coast! Then they probably sit here and stare at each other's blue and red hair, while they goose each other and say dirty words!
- Babs Johnson: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
- Crackers: Sure, Mama. I wouldn't shit ya.
- Babs Johnson: Give me more questions!
- Reporter: Divine, are you a lesbian?
- Babs Johnson: Yes, I have done everything!
- Reporter: Does blood turn you on?
- Babs Johnson: It does more than turn me on, Mr. Vader, it makes me come! And more than the sight of it, I love the taste of it, the taste of hot freshly killed blood!
- Reporter: Could you give us some of your political beliefs?
- Babs Johnson: Kill everyone now! Condone first degree murder! Advocate cannibalism! Eat shit! Filth are my politics, filth is my life!
- An exercise in poor taste.
- The filthiest people alive! Their loves, their hates and their unquenchable thirst for notoriety!