NewsRadio (season 5)

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NewsRadio is an American sitcom, originally broadcast from 1995 to 1999 by NBC.

Bill Moves On [5.1] edit

Mr. James: Seriously, Dave. If that eulogy went on a minute longer it would have been yours.

Dave: [reading Bill's letter] "Dear everyone, if Dave is reading this to you, I have either been fired or I have passed away. Since my formidable talent would preclude the former, I'll have to assume that the latter is true. Someone please explain that one to Matthew later."

Matthew: I don't get it.

Joe: I'll explain it to you later.

Dave: Thanks. He continues: "I know this is strange, but I just want to make sure my final wishes are observed. Wish number one—I wish I weren't dead. Jimmy, get your best people on this one, if you would. [Mr. James pulls out his phone.] Ha ha, just kidding. Attached please find envelopes containing personal notes for everyone. Please have them distributed to the appropriate parties. [Matthew takes the notes and passes them out.] Matthew seems like the ablest man for this very challenging task." [Everyone straightens out the mixed-up letters.]

Matthew: Why don't we read them out loud? Beth, you start.

Beth: "Dear Beth, I am sorry about that time I said that your outfit looked like something you fished out of the garbage can after the circus left town." You know, that's really the only thing he ever said that hurt my feelings.

Joe: No, what about that time...

Beth: Please Joe, just let me have a moment, thank you. "I meant it as a compliment, but somehow it came out wrong." That's very sweet.

Joe: "Dear Joe, I'm sorry I intentionally broke the printer by my desk every Monday morning and made you fix it." I knew there was something up with that printer. "I only did it because I enjoyed hearing your voluminous redactions on the prior weekend's sporting events. On more than one occasion, you helped lull me into my mid-morning nap. For that, I am eternally grateful. Kudos. The printer shouldn't give you much trouble anymore." I wonder if he knew how much I enjoyed fixing that printer.

Mr. James: Oh, I think he did, big guy. I'll go ahead and go. "Dear Jimmy, what can I say? The fact that you trusted me enough to share a few of your secrets with me means a lot. I only hope that someday you'll reveal to the rest of the world the actual culprits behind the assassination of John F. Ken—" Actually, this one's kind of personal, so I'll just read it myself.

Lisa: "Dearest Lisa, I'm sorry I was so obsessed with what you might look like naked. I'm even more sorry that I never actually got the chance to see what you naked. Please think of me the next time you're naked, because if it is at all possible to become a ghost, I will be there appreciating you in all your naked splendor."

Matthew: Are you sure you don't have...

Lisa: It's mine, Matthew.

Matthew: "Dear Matthew, I am dead. No matter what I may have told you about my secret plan, do not get on an airplane and fly around the world searching for me. Also, be assured that this is not just a further ruse to throw everyone off the track of my secret plan."

Lisa: I'm sorry, Matthew...

Matthew: "P.S., the crow flies at midnight."

Beth: What does that mean?

Matthew: Nothing, never mind. It's top secret.

Dave: "David, I suppose I should say I'm sorry for tormenting you so relentlessly, but I'm not. You enjoyed the game as much as I did, and you gave as good you got. I salute you, Sir. Salud! As for my eulogy, please make it as long and boring as is possible."

Mr. James: See? You did right by him.

Dave: "Anything less than three hours I will consider a colossal failure."

Mr. James: Okay, you almost did right by him.

Dave: Catherine, come on.

Catherine: Well, this is kind of personal.

Lisa: No, come on...

Matthew: Easy there, Lisa. No one likes a sloppy drunk.

Joe: Come on, Catherine.

Catherine: Okay, you asked for it. "Dear Catherine, I'm sorry that we only slept together that one time. I found your lovemaking technique delicious, particularly the way—"

Mr. James: Just go ahead and read that to yourself.

Dave: Well, there is another final note for all of us. "Anyhoo," he continues, "that about wraps it up for me. Farewell. Take care of each other, and I'll see you all when you get to wherever it is that I am now." [the staff begins tearing up] That's it. "Matthew, please collect these notes and burn them immediately." [Matthew takes everyone's notes.] Oh wait, there's some fine print here. [Matthew puts the notes in the wastebasket and lights a match.] "P.S. To liven up what I'm sure is an unnecessarily somber day, I've taken the liberty of treating these notes with a flammable agent which should—" [As soon as Matthew drops the match, the notes immediately burst into flames.] Joe, my office is on fire.

Meet the Max Louis [5.2] edit

Max: You there! Who are you?

Joe: Joe, the electrician.

Max: I don't have time for names! Tell me about the news!

Joe: You mean the crap they pass off as news or the real news the government thinks we're too stupid to know?

Max: You are no help to me and obviously drunk!

Dave: Joe, Jesus was not born 2000 years ago today.

Joe: Yeah? Well, I have a birth certificate that proves otherwise.

Lucky Burger [5.3] edit

Dave: Max, everyone is just a little bit weird.

Max: I collect buttons.

Dave: That sounds like a normal hobby.

Max: And rubber bands. I put peanut butter on absolutely everything, even steak.

Dave: Well, it's an acquired taste, but it's hardly...

Max: I still have the sweater my mother knitted for me when I was a baby.

Dave: That's sweet.

Max: ...and I'm wearing it right now.

Dave: [to Max] I want you to look around. Here we have Lisa, who today very nearly gave up a career in journalism for a life in the fast food industry. Over here we have Beth, who dresses like a barmaid from Blade Runner. Mr. James, a millionaire who has spent the entire day eating food he knows for a fact to be spoiled. Joe, who has earned upwards of 11 dollars working as an amateur surveillance expert, albeit half of that is Monopoly money. [Matthew peeks from behind his desk] And of course, Matthew, who appears to have taken the surveillance into his own hands.

Noise [5.4] edit

Lisa: How could you do that?

Max: Do what?

Lisa: Steal my idea. "This Day In History" was my idea.

Max: You should be glad that I took your little idea and gave it a little of that Max Louis pinish.

Lisa: First of all, the word is pronounced "panache", and second of all, it was incredibly inaccurate.

Max: That's part of the pinish!

[Dave and Mr. James are both relaxing to the white noise machine]

Mr. James: So, like I was saying, a problem is what you make of it. If you think it's going to be big, guess what it's going to turn out to be?

Dave: Big.

Mr. James: Bam.

Dave: Boom.

Mr. James: Love it.

Dave: Same wavelength.

Mr. James: You got that right.

Dave: Amen.

Mr. James: Yeah. Oh, this morning, satellite of mine blew up on takeoff.

Dave: Hmm. Cost?

Mr. James: 10 million.

Dave: Result?

Mr. James: Immense setback.

Dave: Milk?

Mr. James: Spilled.

Dave: Gonna cry over it?

Mr. James: Not even.

Dave: Uh uh. Right now, I'm sitting on a rather sharp tack. Have been for about an hour.

Mr. James: Oooh. That hurts.

Dave: Life's a bitch...

Mr. James: ...then you die.

Dave: My...

Mr. James: ...oh...

Dave: ...my.

Flowers for Matthew [5.5] edit

Max [about Beth]: I don't want her to think I'm pathetic.

Lisa: You are pathetic.

Max: Well, obviously!

Dave: Joe, what did I tell you about experimenting on Matthew?

Joe: Come on, it's not like I'm testing cosmetics on him.

Dave: Sure, not anymore!

Joe: Dude... even I admitted that was wrong.

Jail [5.6] edit

Mr. James: Dave, you know I think the world of you, but you can't deal with Johnny Johnson by yourself. He eats the hearts of guys like you for breakfast.

Dave: Sir, I'm serious.

Mr. James: So am I. Have you ever been to a restaurant in Kuala Lumpur?

[Johnny has the green duffel bag that could send Mr. James to prison for the D.B. Cooper robbery]

Dave: That's... quite the green duffel bag you got there.

Johnny Johnson: Thanks. I found it in some of Mr. James' belongings.

Dave: Where?

Johnny Johnson: Landfill in Mongolia.

The Lam [5.7] edit

Johnny Johnson: I'm a hollow man, Dave. I'm a cheap chocolate Easter Bunny.

Lisa: I don't want to be a pawn in a corporate game.

Dave: Why not? It's fun.

Clash of the Titans [5.8] edit

Max: Johnny, Mr. James might be going to prison. Why are we celebrating?

Johnny Johnson: Care to take this one, Dave?

Dave: Johnny wants Jimmy in jail. It is all part of his evil plan. You know, the evil plan I've been warning you about.

Johnny Johnson: Bingo.

Johnny Johnson: While you were on the lam, your board of directors elected me CEO.

Mr. James: That's impossible. My board of directors would never do that. [Johnny gives him a folder; Mr. James looks inside] Of course, I didn't think my board would have naked hot tub orgies. So you blackmailed them, did you?

Johnny Johnson: No, I bribed them. I gave a naked hot tub orgy.

Boston [5.9] edit

[Beth has bandages on her hands]

Mr. James: What's wrong with your hands?

Beth: I have carpal tunnel syndrome.

Mr. James: Oh, yeah. People get that from typing all day.

Beth: Yeah, I know.

Mr. James: How did you get it?

Beth: No idea.

Dave: Mr. James, do you have any advice for the young ones?

Mr. James: Always use a condom, and if you're too embarrased to ask, just shoplift them. It's easy!

Spooky Rapping Crypt [5.10] edit

Mr. James: [about Beth] This is serious, Dave. She's out there all alone, prey to all the wolves that haunt the mean streets of New York City.

Dave: Sir, Beth is one of the wolves that haunt the mean streets of New York City.

Beth: I speak for the whole staff.

Mr. James: Max, does Beth speak for you?

Max: No.

Jimmy: Then why are you helping her?

Max: Because she's a pretty girl with red hair.

Stinkbutt [5.11] edit

Mr. James: Aren't you wondering why I came in through the window?

Dave: Right now, my curiosity is taking a back seat to my sanity these days.

Lisa: Is Matthew still out there?

Dave: Yes. Is there a problem?

Lisa: Matthew's out there.

Dave: Well, that's a problem we all have to face on a daily basis.

Apartment [5.12] edit

Mr. James: James James, the man so nice they named him twice.

Beth: It's gonna be tough to decide between you two.

Max: Well, I have a solution that avoids the problem all together.

Mr. James: Oh, you do?

Max: I have decided to vote.

Dave: That's great, Max.

Max: ...for myself. I want this apartment - and I shall have it!

Towers [5.13] edit

Mr. James: You know who Guggenheim was?

Lisa: Yes, Guggenheim was a financier and a philanthropist.

Mr. James: Wrong. He was some guy who built an ugly museum, named it after himself. But, when people see it they go "Hey, Guggenheim." What about me? What about Jimmy James, huh? He's just nothin'. A big, fat nothin'.

Lisa: Sir, you are hardly nothing.

Mr. James: Well, you're right. M-maybe I'm not nothin'.

Lisa: Of course you're not nothing.

Mr. James: I'm Jimmy James!

Lisa: That's right!

Mr. James: Jimmy James!

Lisa: The one and only Jimmy James!

Mr. James: Yeah, the guy who's gonna blow up the Guggenheim!

Lisa: No, sir, no!

Joe: This is how it starts. These punks move in, start hassling old people, soon the streets are no longer yours.

Beth: Charles Bronson week on TNT?

Joe: Every week is Charles Bronson week on TNT.

Hair [5.14] edit

Mr. James: Dave, I need you to do me a favor.

Dave: Well, sir, you know I'd kill for you.

Mr. James: That's not a favor, son, that's a contractual obligation.

Beth: All dogs are male, all cats are female.

Lisa: Daisy is most definitely, and I mean definitely, a girl.

Max: We're not disputing that. It's not a matter of sex, it's a matter of gender.

Lisa: Sex and gender are the same thing.

Max: Not so. I would much rather have sex than gender.

Lisa: Well, seeing as you have neither, that must be very sad for you.

Assistant [5.15] edit

Lisa: I brought Foxy in to improve my productivity, and she can't do that while Joe is teaching her bad words in Italian.

Joe: I guess you owe me a t-shirt.

Dave: What t-shirt?

Joe: One that says "Dave's girlfriend wanted to do me."

Dave: Joe, I'm afraid I could never take that t-shirt away from my father.

Wino [5.16] edit

Mr. James: So, what have you been up to?

Johnny Johnson: Well, I'm a wino.

Mr. James: A wino! Imagine that.

Johnny Johnson: Last week they elected me king of the winos.

Mr. James: Did you hear that? King of the damn winos!

Johnny Johnson: It's burning you up inside, isn't it?

Mr. James: To a crisp. Usually, when I crush someone they stay crushed.

Johnny Johnson: [to Lisa] I know that you probably hate me. I don't blame you. But believe me, never a day goes by without my thoughts turning to you. Even as I battle stray dogs for scraps of meat in urine-soaked alleys, all I can think of is Lisa Miller.

Wedding [5.17] edit

Lisa: [on the phone] My marriage is tomorrow, and I don't care if you had a previous engagement. An oral agreement is like a contract to me. Well, same to you, buddy!

Beth: Caterers?

Lisa: Parents.

Johnny Johnson: [describing Lisa's kisses] Sweet, salty, never dull... that's Lisa.

Dave: No, that's microwave popcorn.

Ploy [5.18] edit

Lisa: Mr. James, tell Joe he can't copyright my name.

Mr. James: You can't copyright any employee's name.

Lisa: See?

Mr. James: Because I own the copyrights to all your names.

Matthew, Joe: What?

Mr. James: When are you people going to start reading your contracts?

Max: I have spring fever, and there's only one cure for that.

Lisa: Euthanasia?

Padded Suit [5.19] edit

Lisa: [on who to fire] I think there's a much more humane way of dealing with this.

Dave: Hmm, a humane way. Hmm. I prefer terror.

Lisa: Look, why don't you give them a simple task - say, writing up a job description - and hold them to it.

Dave: Yeah, and what's the point in that?

Lisa: Well, it makes them think about what they have to do, and it helps you.

Dave: Uh-huh, and what if they fail?

Lisa: Then you can fire them. Fire 'em all. But they won't fail. I won't let them.

Dave: Uh-huh. That's delightful! Prolong the terror, yes! The axe hangs, but it does not fall... not yet.

Joe: Lisa, again with the job descriptions. Look, even if Dave does go totally psycho, he's not gonna fire anyone.

Lisa: Well, what if he does?

Max: Well, what if it's you?

Lisa: What are you, high?

Freaky Friday [5.20] edit

Dave: Max, the break room is not your personal hunting ground.

Max: I know. I prefer to think of it as a game preserve, where everyone is free to take their best shot.

Dave: Joe, we don't need a science reporter.

Joe: Dude, I'm offering my services for free.

Dave: Yeah, but just so that you can beam your messages to space.

Joe: Lucky guess.

Retirement [5.21] edit

Mr. James: And this is my cabin.

Lisa: Looks more like a rustic convention center than a cabin, sir.

Mr. James: Well, I bought 50 cabins, dismantled them and then reassembled them into one big-ass cabin.

Dave: I must admit, this evening is turning out better than I thought.

Lisa: You're half loaded.

Dave: And you're not?

Lisa: Halfway doesn't do it for me anymore.

New Hampshire [5.22] edit

Lisa: Matthew has never lived more than five miles from his mother in his entire life.

Dave: We all have to leave our mothers sometime.

Lisa: Well, put it this way, Dave: When Matthew's mother dies, I envision him dressing in her clothes and murdering transients.

[Beth finds out that Dave was willing to give her up to keep Lisa from being transferred to the New Hampshire station]

Beth: Will Mr. Nelson be needing anything else?

Dave: No, that's alright. Thank you.

Beth: Am I to understand my services here are no longer required?

Dave: That's right.

Beth: You son of a bitch! I knew it!

Dave: Is this Have Your Secretary Committed Day?

Beth: Ah, sarcasm. The last resort of sons of bitches!!!

[Dave sadly walks into his office with the mug they left him to ponder how alone he is. He sees Matthew under his desk, grinning from ear-to-ear]

Dave: Matthew, what are you doing under there?

Matthew: Surprise! Remember how you thought I was going to abandon you? In your dreams, buddy!

Dave: Yeah, in my dreams....

Matthew: So what do you want me to do? We gotta get crackin'. You want me to do some electrical work, do some reporting, read the news, get you some coffee?

Dave: You take your pick.

Matthew: I'm gonna get you some coffee.

Dave: Great.

Matthew: How do you take it?

Dave: Hot and black.

Matthew: How about cold with little things floating on it?

Dave: Sounds great.

Matthew: It's just you and me, pal. You and me... forever!

[he runs off, Dave slumps in his chair sadly]

Dave: I know...